Is it normal to be fighting?

[craw]

I understand when couple argue and bicker, when is the line drawn? I'm not discussing abusive relationship or violent or any objects being thrown.

 

It's both our faults.

 

This time I snapped at him, he really got angry with him for making him feel belittled. I snapped because I expect more from him, because he is smart.

 

I have another question for those who care too much for their partner, how did you finally stop caring for your s/o?

 

I can be motherly, which can be overbearing. I want what's best for him. I'm sure it can be seen as controlling. This is so messed up.

 

Man, I cannot believe my entire life, my mother has taught me to be compassionate, I'm actually learning to reverse this in me.

 

Your thoughts, opinions or questions. It's been six year and I am refusing to walk away. I guess it's a matter of convenience.

[Emilia]

It sounds like an unhealthy codependent relationship. Do you know what that is?

[Creeper_73]

My dad used to say if there isnt any fighting in a relationship then it isnt a healthy one .

 

I guess from a newby on the site's point of view, I'd say the two of you have to sit down and talk about how you fight. The two of you have been together for 6 years and obviously love each other. When you fight, try to address the problem as if you and your partner are standing next to each other on the outside, looking inside towards the problem.

 

That way you don't call each other names or give each other grief. The person isnt the issue being addressed, the problem is the issue. That way you grow as a couple because you are addressing the problem together and making sure the relationship, which is more important than your egos, remains intact and healthy.

 

In terms of being overly caring, try to figure out his love language. Some people like to be motherly like you mentioned, and some people respond good or less so to that. Part of being in a relationship is understanding how your partner shows and expects to be shown affection. And its up to the both of you to cater to the other persons needs in that regard, as well as allowing the other person the room to exercise their way of showing their love.

[Phoenician]

Normal people in healthy marriage argue , shout at each other ;but within few hours after the fight they always find a way to reconcile and their love becomes stronger .

 

Abnormal minds are those who rage and then go into silent treatment mode , passive aggressive mode.

 

 

There is no love without respect , but respect is subjective ,

 

let me give you an example , yesterday i shouted on my wife to stop her passive aggressive behavior ; we are both wrong ; but disrespect is not just shouting ; it is also the way u look , the way you ignore , the way u talk ,or behave .

 

SO it is not an issue as long as a fight resolves in a short time , and one of the spouses take the lead to resolve the issue ( not always same spouse !)

 

 

The key is communication , Respect ( subjective),and understanding ; this is more important than just love .

[Els]

It's rather difficult to offer opinions on whether or not your fight was justified, or whether you're being controlling or not, without any further details. What was the fight about? What were you 'mothering' him on? I will say though that if you constantly feel the need to 'mother' someone, there is likely to be a bigger issue here, either with your compatibility or with him.

[basil67]

When you snap at someone because you expected more of them - this is the OPPOSITE of compassion. Even smart people make mistakes and do dumb things now and then. Compassion is simply to give them a hug and remind them that they are human.

 

Even mothers have to learn to let go. Yes, I want what's best for my children, but I have to let them go and make their own mistakes. How will they learn if they don't make mistakes. How will they learn to trust their own judgement if I help too much?

 

Your guy is who he is. Compassion and love is about accepting him for who he is - faults and all. That said, if he's a highly intelligent man who is unemployed and sits on the sofa all day, then go find a better partner.

 

Truly though - we really need context to give you better advice. What is he doing which you feel lets himself down so much.

[d0nnivain]

I have another question for those who care too much for their partner, how did you finally stop caring for your s/o?

 

I can be motherly, which can be overbearing. I want what's best for him. I'm sure it can be seen as controlling. This is so messed up.

 

Man, I cannot believe my entire life, my mother has taught me to be compassionate, I'm actually learning to reverse this in me.

 

Your thoughts, opinions or questions. It's been six year and I am refusing to walk away. I guess it's a matter of convenience.

 

I'm not sure it's possible to "care too much" for your partner. It is possible to smother the other person. Your partner is just that your partner. As an adult your SO gets to make their own decisions even ones you don't think are valid. You are not the person's mother or guardian. When you better understand your role, the fights should lessen.

[lychee]

You're not his mom and I can tell you that behavior is a huge turn off.

Especially LDR where arguments are 100% worse because of the distance.

Stop worrying for him, he's not your child he's your mate.

Go out, have fun, focus on hobbies that have nothing to do with him.

[RedPressST]

Fighting/arguing/bickering alone are not problems; how often to these fights end with positive, constructive resolutions? That is not a negative. Fights that stew, unresolved issues; these are things that correlate with failing relationships.

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.

 

There is always a better, kinder, option.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

 

Take care.

[Blanco]

From my journals:

 

 

Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and those words can never be unsaid.

 

There is always a better, kinder, option.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

 

 

 

Take care.

 

As I get older, I become a bigger believer in the mindset that arguments are not bad in and of themselves. They happen, even with loved ones. Maybe especially with loved ones. What really matters is how you're fighting. Do you address the issue at hand? Or do you jump to the extreme and attack character? Do you use poisonous phrases such as "You always" or You never."

 

I've said some mean things to loved ones in my time. I would say, though, that I've gotten better with each relationship in terms of the things I mentioned above. Character attacks and harsh words will remain with the person long after the dust from the argument has settled.