I feel guilty doing anything good for myself

[90s kid]

I'm going on a trip to Europe for two weeks and I feel guilty about it. I haven't gone on a vacation for over 3 years. All I do is work and save my money. I finally planned a trip and I feel guilty telling my parents. They are not well off financially and never go on vacation. I've been avoiding telling them.

 

This has been a pattern for me of feeling like I can never do anything good for myself because I'm always thinking of other people, especially my family. I love my family, we're very close but sometimes it's a burden. I do more for them than I do for me.

 

I told my siblings and they're very supportive but I'm afraid to tell my parents.

 

Any advice?

[RedPressST]

You're single? Think of the stories and life lessons you'll be able to share with your SO some day, or your children or your nieces and nephews... These things are important, too. These experiences may only come to you now -- young, childless, healthy, unattached, financially capable.

 

It is important to help family and anyone less fortunate, but you also need to make sure you are happy and experience life in the mean time.

[90s kid]

You're single? Think of the stories and life lessons you'll be able to share with your SO some day, or your children or your nieces and nephews... These things are important, too. These experiences may only come to you now -- young, childless, healthy, unattached, financially capable.

 

It is important to help family and anyone less fortunate, but you also need to make sure you are happy and experience life in the mean time.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree but I still feel guilty. I help my family out a lot and sometimes it holds be back because I feel I have to save all of my resources for them. It's hard for me to have fun and enjoy myself if I feel like my family isn't along for the ride. It's a lot of pressure to feel responsible for other people's happiness. I've considered not telling them about the trip at all.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like you're paying for this trip on your own... I'm imagining you're not quitting your job or doing anything irresponsible to make it happen. So you don't have anything to apologize for.

 

I'm sensing this is a case where your lifestyle has exceeded your parents... you've found a way to make more money than they ever did, and they simply can't relate to any indulgences like this, they see it as wasteful and selfish.

 

But you don't have to box yourself into their mentality. Truly, they should feel happy and proud for you that you're able to achieve this.

[90s kid]

It sounds like you're paying for this trip on your own... I'm imagining you're not quitting your job or doing anything irresponsible to make it happen. So you don't have anything to apologize for.

 

I'm sensing this is a case where your lifestyle has exceeded your parents... you've found a way to make more money than they ever did, and they simply can't relate to any indulgences like this, they see it as wasteful and selfish.

 

But you don't have to box yourself into their mentality. Truly, they should feel happy and proud for you that you're able to achieve this.

 

Thanks for your response. Yes, I am paying for the trip myself. I'm in a solid position financially and I know I can afford it. My parents are complicated people. In college I studied abroad for a period of time and my mom discouraged me from going (mostly due to fear for my safety). But afterwards, she bragged to all of her friends about it. Similarly, my parents discouraged me from dating and having boyfriends yet now in my 20s, they are desperate for me to get married and have children. This is a pattern where my parents will discourage me from doing new and exciting things and yet they still want me to be successful and have a great life.

How am I ever supposed to reach my full potential when they are constantly holding me back?

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds like your parents have a rigid comfort zone and they feel threatened or maybe even a little resentful when you cross beyond it. But the study abroad story is telling - your mother obviously was able to feel pride about that eventually.

 

I think the same thing will happen here. They will have to see SOME good in having a daughter in her 20s who is financially solid enough, and adventurous enough, to pursue travel in that way.

 

I'm not sure if the conflict is that you're supposed to be spending extra money on them?

[90s kid]

 

I'm not sure if the conflict is that you're supposed to be spending extra money on them?

 

Yes, that's a big part of it. I was raised to always put my family first and, as a result, I have always had a hard time doing things for myself. I'm very close with my family, I help them financially every time they ask. However, as I get older I realize how much I have denied myself to accommodate them. I often say no to things because of fear of what my parents will think. I can't spend $50 on myself without feeling guilty. But I have given them thousands just because they asked. I'm trying to break out of that cycle but I still struggle with guilt.

 

I recently made an appointment with a therapist to help cope with my anxiety and my issues with my family. Hopefully, that will help.

[RedPressST]

The more I read of this thread, the more I think of my wife. I was raised in a family where we help each other out of desperate times (everyone chips in when there's a major medical expense or other large, unexpected expense) but otherwise everyone lives within their own means, and children are encouraged to live on their own and make their own money around 17-20. However, my wife was raised slightly differently, more like those who make money make up the difference for those who don't. Because I (who married in) make more money, it is somewhat expected of me to take care of many expenses for my MIL (who works for minimum wage and does not have any savings or budget). I have a hard time with this, but my wife has a hard time not doing it. To me, I work hard to provide for my immediate family (myself, wife, future) and to my wife, she should take care of even those able to still work (her mother, brother, etc) even if they are choosing not to save or work.

 

I understand this is stemming from how you were raised; however, you need to think of yourself, your future, and how you will care for your parents when they are older. If you spend all your money on them now, you won't have a house and savings to help care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. They already lived through their young-adulthood. Feel free to live through yours and pay yourself first by making investments (house, retirement fund, IRA, invest,nets, etc) that will help you, your parents, and your potential offspring/future family.

[90s kid]

The more I read of this thread, the more I think of my wife. I was raised in a family where we help each other out of desperate times (everyone chips in when there's a major medical expense or other large, unexpected expense) but otherwise everyone lives within their own means, and children are encouraged to live on their own and make their own money around 17-20. However, my wife was raised slightly differently, more like those who make money make up the difference for those who don't. Because I (who married in) make more money, it is somewhat expected of me to take care of many expenses for my MIL (who works for minimum wage and does not have any savings or budget). I have a hard time with this, but my wife has a hard time not doing it. To me, I work hard to provide for my immediate family (myself, wife, future) and to my wife, she should take care of even those able to still work (her mother, brother, etc) even if they are choosing not to save or work.

 

I understand this is stemming from how you were raised; however, you need to think of yourself, your future, and how you will care for your parents when they are older. If you spend all your money on them now, you won't have a house and savings to help care for them when they are unable to care for themselves. They already lived through their young-adulthood. Feel free to live through yours and pay yourself first by making investments (house, retirement fund, IRA, invest,nets, etc) that will help you, your parents, and your potential offspring/future family.

 

Thanks for your reply. My family sounds a lot like your wife's family. Ultimately, you're right that the happier and more successful I am, the more I will be able to help my family. I need to remind myself of that.

[mmmike]

I'm going on a trip to Europe for two weeks and I feel guilty about it. I haven't gone on a vacation for over 3 years. All I do is work and save my money. I finally planned a trip and I feel guilty telling my parents. They are not well off financially and never go on vacation. I've been avoiding telling them.

 

This has been a pattern for me of feeling like I can never do anything good for myself because I'm always thinking of other people, especially my family. I love my family, we're very close but sometimes it's a burden. I do more for them than I do for me.

 

I told my siblings and they're very supportive but I'm afraid to tell my parents.

 

Any advice?

 

This is something triggered from your childhood that you need to work on getting over. Unless youre hurting someone or doing something unethical, you should not feel guilt for anything. Speak to a therapist or Google ways to help yourself overcome this. Good luck

[Satu]

If you want to live a happy life, you'll have to grow beyond a lot of the rules and scripts you grew up with.

 

That applies to all of us.

[preraph]

Your parents lived the lives they chose, for the most part, and this is your life to live as you choose. They should be happy for you. If not, then they're not being fair.