Finding my way

[herebedragons]

So, I spent an hour writing a long message about my situation and something didn't load right and it was lost. I'll give it another shot.

 

I'm a first time poster. I'm 54, my husband is 56 and we've been married 23 years and have two kids, 20 and nearly 18. H has a daughter from a previous marriage, who is 31.

 

Our marriage has never been smooth. I think we both brought in a whole lot of baggage. H was horribly abused - physically and emotionally - as a child. Parents divorced early, he was shipped back and forth, finally ending in a stable home at 13 when his mom remarried. Then his stepdad AND dad died when he was 16. In short, he grew up feeling unwanted and having no role models of good, stable relationships.

 

I grew up in a relatively stable home. Dad was pretty successful, private school and all that stuff. Had a severely ADHD younger brother (youngest of 5) who took most of my mom's energy and time so grew up feeling my role was to be good, not ask for much and try to counteract whatever drama he was giving her. Sort of neglected, not much self-worth and a people-pleaser from birth.

 

Anyhoo, we've lived out our roles over and over in our marriage. H has been a very angry person for most of it. Never physically abusive but in retrospect, I could call his anger, wall-punching and bully-like attitude as emotionally abusive to me and the kids. My response was always to try and do whatever I could to calm things down, whether that was giving him space or talking him down. I soon learned to hide or fix things that might set him off - a behavior the kids learned too, I'm ashamed to say.

 

Over the years, my self-worth issues and fixing became so exhausting. I saw I couldn't control anything at all and started to isolate and withdraw. The very thought of trying to work on our problems or even leave, became too exhausting to even contemplate. My isolation meant I also kept him at arms length, leaving him lonely and fueling more anger.

 

Not to say this was all bad, all the time. H can be a wonderful, fun, loving and very funny person. When things were good, they were wonderful. He's an extrovert by nature and people just like him. (I'm a shy introvert who's learned to put on a show). He's very smart, I'm smart and we challenge each other in the right ways. He's also very caring - and was amazing with my parents as each of them went through their final illnesses.

 

Finances have always been an issue too. Early on, we both worked but after my daughter was born, I stayed home for a while. When my son came along, I had the better job by far and we decided together that H would stay home till school. Problem is, he's never gone back to work. When he was working, he always had issues with authority figures and would clash. He came to the decision he'd be better off working for himself. Since then, he's been a serial entrepreneur. He'd go from one big idea to the next. He has an enormous ability to work hard and he's one of the smartest people I know but sometimes he'd put trust in someone who let him down or chase something that wouldn't work or whatever. In the beginning, it was just time and energy lost. But never any money coming out of it. We made ends meet with my salary and went to my parents occassionally for loans when unexpected expenses hit hard. Never any saving, though.

 

About 6 or so years ago, I inherited a sum of money when my dad died. We weren't rich but were able to buy a house and have a good nest egg in investments. But H's ideas got more grandiose - and started costing real money. Real estate investments, stocks, funding companies, etc. I'd both be told and tell myself that I was being unsupportive if I didn't allow him to use the money. At the same time, we're living a bit better and chipping away at the nest egg to pay expenses my salary didn't cover. Long story short, no business or investment ever really paid off and we've blown through most of the money. I am also to blame for spending on things like clothing - trying to fill my own insecurities with a fancy wardrobe. So much waste, so much putting on a front of being successful. And both of us so unhappy - me almost totally detached from feeling much of anything, joy or pain, and he miserable, feeling like a failure and angry that I left him so lonely.

 

This last year, it got bad enough that he moved into the guest room and later asked about a divorce. I had some sort of moment where my shell broke open and we reconciled. The summer was good but then up and down ever since. We did counseling together for a brief time but he never clicked with her and we stopped. He has no interest in going again. We are both seeing our own counselors.

 

He's made great strides with his anger. I'm learning to be more confident and speak up when I need to. But together, it's still not working. I feel so much anger and resentment for so much - the anger, the abuse, the money. He feels so much anger and resentment for the loneliness, the perceived lack of support. We're both fairly clear-eyed at where we are. He says he still loves me and wants it to work but isn't willing to go on feeling lonely any longer. I'm less sure of my feelings. I only feel intermittent desire - and that might just be biology, to be honest. I like him but don't know if I love him. My counselor is urging me to give it some time, that we're doing good work in our sessions and H is just getting going with his but I don't think H is going to be that patient.

 

That's my story. I think I know where I'm leaning but want to make sure I'm wanting out because it's the right thing for me and us both (and the kids!) and not because it seems easier than working through my isolation issues (still very much present). I also recognize that at 54, I may never be together with someone again but don't want to stay in an unhappy place just to avoid being alone.

 

I'd love to hear from anyone who's had a similar experience. Thanks for reading all of this!

[KBarletta]

He's made great strides with his anger. I'm learning to be more confident and speak up when I need to. But together, it's still not working. I feel so much anger and resentment for so much - the anger, the abuse, the money. He feels so much anger and resentment for the loneliness, the perceived lack of support. We're both fairly clear-eyed at where we are.

 

You are both still carrying so much baggage that I honestly think the only way out of this is to answer two questions: 1. Do you both still WANT to be together? and if so, 2. Are you willing to do what it takes to make it work?

 

If the answer to No. 1 is yes, then the answer to No. 2 is couple's counseling, and I don't see any way around that. But with so much anger, resentment, money issues, etc., I don't see any way around lengthy couple's counseling for you two, honestly.

 

But first you have to answer that first question, I think. It's a pretty simple question, but that doesn't make it an easy one to answer. I wish you luck.

 

KTB

[Satu]

I agree with KBarletta's comments completely.

 

After 23 years, turning the ship is going to take some time.

 

If you both want to, that is.

 

Lets forget about him for a moment, and look at you:

 

Apart from your marriage, how do you feel about life?

 

Are there things you want to do?

Places you'd like to visit?

Things you'd like to learn?

 

How do you feel when you look inside yourself?

[Ladyjane14]

Just as a mental exercise, perhaps you should try imagining that you don't have quite so many options. Say, he died, became impotent, ran off with another woman... what do you feel then?

 

If any of that makes you sad, makes you miss him, makes you angry, then what the heck... take him back to bed for a month and see how you about it feel then. It's not like you aren't married, right?

[herebedragons]

 

But first you have to answer that first question, I think. It's a pretty simple question, but that doesn't make it an easy one to answer.

 

KTB

 

Thanks, KBarletta. I completely agree with your comments. So much baggage, it's hard to see past it. I don't have an answer yet for question one. It's what I'm wrestling with daily. Do I want this. If I were to ask my husband that question, I think I'd get a qualified answer, something that says yes, but not as we are now. Although he has already stated he is not interested in going back to marriage counseling, so I wonder how "yes" his yes actually is. All I can do is try to figure out my answer and then go from there.

[herebedragons]

Good questions, Satu. I feel better about life, most of the time, than I have in years and years. More hopeful. I'm very uncertain about the future, of course, but I feel as though whatever happens, I'll be okay.

 

There are things I want to do and see. Things I want to learn about myself. Things I want to try. Friends I want to make. I've hidden away from the world for so long, going to work, coming home and not really experiencing any of it. Preventing myself from isolating is going to be tough but something I feel I can grow in to.

[herebedragons]

Just as a mental exercise, perhaps you should try imagining that you don't have quite so many options. Say, he died, became impotent, ran off with another woman... what do you feel then?

 

If any of that makes you sad, makes you miss him, makes you angry, then what the heck... take him back to bed for a month and see how you about it feel then. It's not like you aren't married, right?

 

All good questions. I would be devastated if he died. Whether I want to be with him or not, he's the father of my children and we have had 23 years. I'll never hate him - I want him to be happy. I just don't know if I want that with me. Impotent - hell, there's times that'd be a relief! Run off? 6 months ago, I would have howled at the thought. Now, I'm not so sure. It'd piss me off, absolutely, but hard to say if it would be the betrayal, the loss or the public embarrassment.

 

I owe him the respect of knowing whether I truly want to make a go of it before jumping back into bed with him. I've made him feel rejected so many times it wouldn't feel fair to experiment. But I hear what you're saying.

[Ladyjane14]

All good questions. I would be devastated if he died. Whether I want to be with him or not, he's the father of my children and we have had 23 years. I'll never hate him - I want him to be happy. I just don't know if I want that with me. Impotent - hell, there's times that'd be a relief! Run off? 6 months ago, I would have howled at the thought. Now, I'm not so sure. It'd piss me off, absolutely, but hard to say if it would be the betrayal, the loss or the public embarrassment.

 

I owe him the respect of knowing whether I truly want to make a go of it before jumping back into bed with him. I've made him feel rejected so many times it wouldn't feel fair to experiment. But I hear what you're saying.

 

I'm not suggesting that you're not up front and honest with him about why you'd be doing it. You definitely should have a "let's-give-this-a-try" convo with him. But here's the deal... sexual intimacy is part and parcel of emotional intimacy. And that's not just for men, but for women as well.

 

Both males and females release powerful, bonding hormones at orgasm which in essence say "THIS is my mate". On top of that, whatever we don't use, we lose as we age. I'm talking about thinning and atrophy of vaginal tissue and vascular changes in the penis which can reduce size and strength. So, if you're healthy enough for sex, one of the ways you can stay healthy enough for sex... is by having more sex.

 

Whatever is stopping you, be it body image, perimenopause, lack of sexual satisfaction, whatever... is probably a solvable problem. But the marital problem is NOT solvable without recreating true emotional intimacy.

 

If you can't jump right in, try sneaking up on it by spending more time together... play cards or board games, go bowling or out for a walk, some kind of activity which puts you in close proximity to one another so that conversation can ebb and flow.