Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

[katiegrl]

Aww OP, I'm hoping he can give you that once you tell him. Maybe he'll agree to planning something ahead of time to make sure the night is just for the two of you.

 

J0celyn.... don't you think if he wanted to plan something special just the two of them, he would be?

 

Why does she need to ask for something that should comes naturally when you are interested in someone and care about them?

 

What's the goal here anyway? Does she want more time from him because he wants to? On his own, from his heart? Or because she had to ask?

 

If you have to ask, what's the point? A man does what he wants to do, from his heart, period.

 

It's been three and a half months for heaven's sake. Come on now.

Edited February 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[misty1114]

ok yes, the 2-3 hour dates happen pretty regularly. We have had a few long dates, the longest one was about 6 hour during our winter break and it was really nice. So should I bring it up at all or just let it be? Initially I think I'm gonna give it some more time and bail if things don't progress, but you're right 3.5 months have been a while

Edited February 3, 2016 by misty1114

[j0celyn]

J0celyn.... don't you think if he wanted to plan something special just the two of them, he would be?

 

Why does she need to ask for something that should comes naturally when you are interested in someone and care about them?

 

What's the goal here anyway? Does she want more time from him because he wants to? On his own, from his heart? Or because she had to ask?

 

If you have to ask, what's the point? A man does what he wants to do, from his heart, period.

 

It's been three and a half months for heaven's sake. Come on now.

 

Why shouldn't a woman ask for what she wants? Just because a woman asks for more and the man gives it to her doesn't make her or the relationship any less. He can choose to give it to her or not, and if he does, then that's when you can pull the "did he do it on his own from his heart or because she had to ask" card.

 

You can't expect a man or anyone to just know what you want. If he is really into her then he would choose to give her that because HE wants to, not just because she asked for it.

 

And again, the man is in med school! You can't put the same expectations and dating rules/theories as you would other men.

 

Also, 3.5 months isn't that long, but we can agree to disagree. This is objective.

[j0celyn]

ok yes, the 2-3 hour dates happen pretty regularly. We have had a few long dates, the longest one was about 6 hour during our winter break and it was really nice. So should I bring it up at all or just let it be? Initially I think I'm gonna give it some more time and bail if things don't progress, but you're right 3.5 months have been a while

 

Do the 2-3 hours with you - then with buddies - happen regularly? Or is it something else that he does?

 

I would bring it up because it seems to bother you so much. I don't like to let things sit when a quick, but serious conversation can solve all the uncertainties.

[katiegrl]

.....but we can agree to disagree. .

 

Sounds good.

[j0celyn]

J0celyn.... don't you think if he wanted to plan something special just the two of them, he would be?

 

Hmm maybe the 2-3 hours movie or dinner *is* him thinking it's something special just the two of them? I'm just saying we need to put things into context because he is okay with the way things are and she is NOT - and that could be very well because he has no idea exactly what OP expects. Or you could be totally right that he's just not into her or there's someone else. But she won't know until she that conversation takes place.

[katiegrl]

Want to add that maybe the 2-3 hours movie or dinner *is* him thinking it's something special just the two of them. I'm just saying we need to put things into context because he is okay with the way things are and she is NOT - and that could be very well because he has no idea exactly what OP expects. Or you could be totally right that he's just not into her or there's someone else. But she won't know until that conversation takes place. .

 

That's fine j0celyn.... I'm not big on these types of conversations -- asking for more than a man chooses to give me.

 

Just me, but I either accept and be happy with what he's giving me, or if I can't, I walk away and find a man who can. Because I know and accept that if he wanted to give me more, he would be. And my instincts on that have never failed me yet.

 

I judge how a man feels about me by how he treats me on his own, from his heart -- his actions. If his actions don't tell me he's into me, and invested in me as I am in him (and believe me I am about the LEAST needy and demanding person you could know -- I need a lot of space myself) -- then I move on.

 

I realize we're not all the same on that, and I respect that.

 

Just telling you what has always worked for me.

 

By the way, there is a thread running now by a poster named Lorenza. She recently asked her boyfriend if he wouldn't mind checking in with her once a day via text, just to say hi or whatever. Real quick. It would help her feel connected. Below was his response:

 

>>Then I explained to him that I think its important with a little weather check in between of all of our work, and he just answered: "yeah, maybe to you. But Im different. When im focused on other things, I forget." After which he stopped reading my messages completely.

A lot of good her asking did!

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[SwordofFlame]

Some inexperienced guys need to be taught how to treat their lady properly. OP, do you want to be a teacher?

[katiegrl]

Some inexperienced guys need to be taught how to treat their lady properly. OP, do you want to be a teacher?

 

I don't think it has anything to do with inexperience.

 

My boyfriend at 16 knew how to treat me right for heaven's sake. It's instinctual, not anything you can be "taught."

 

You're into someone, you instinctively want to spend time with them.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[Eighty_nine]

That's fine j0celyn.... I'm not big on these types of conversations -- asking for more than a man chooses to give me.

 

Just me, but I either accept and be happy with what he's giving me, or if I can't, I walk away and find a man who can. Because I know and accept that if he wanted to give me more, he would be. And my instincts on that have never failed me yet.

 

I judge how a man feels about me by how he treats me on his own, from his heart -- his actions. If his actions don't tell me he's into me, and invested in me as I am in him (and believe me I am about the LEAST needy and demanding person you could know -- I need a lot of space myself) -- then I move on.

 

I realize we're not all the same on that, and I respect that.

 

Just telling you what has always worked for me.

 

By the way, there is a thread running now by a poster named Lorenza. She recently asked her boyfriend if he wouldn't mind checking in with her once a day via text, just to say hi or whatever. Real quick. It would help her feel connected. Below was his response:

 

>>Then I explained to him that I think its important with a little weather check in between of all of our work, and he just answered: "yeah, maybe to you. But Im different. When im focused on other things, I forget." After which he stopped reading my messages completely.

A lot of good her asking did!

 

It definitely did Lorenza good! She now knows he is not willing to give her what she needs, and will hopefully choose to move on. I usually agree with you Katie, but not here. In stable, loving relationships, partners need to express their needs to one another for sustained happiness. I don't see why it should be any different in the beginning. And the response informs future decisions. I think it's best for a women to pull a slow fade when a man isn't responding to her expressed needs. There *are* cases where men will whip themselves into shape, if they are in fact invested in the women, and she shows she's assertive enough to walk away when her needs aren't met.

 

I also don't think 3.5 months is especially long, but I like to start relationships at a slower pace. I do agree that OP needs to make a move one way or the other soon, so she doesn't have to wonder about where the relationship stands.

[katiegrl]

It definitely did Lorenza good! She now knows he is not willing to give her what she needs, and will hopefully choose to move on. I usually agree with you Katie, but not here. In stable, loving relationships, partners need to express their needs to one another for sustained happiness. .

 

I agree, in stable, loving long term relationships, expressing needs is VERY important. I should know, I have been in three LTR myself.

 

But in brand new relationships, a few months old... no, this is the time when both are assessing how well they fit together... if their basic fundamentals needs match.

 

If you have to start asking someone you just started dating to do this or that to make you happy, then something is wrong....and it's best to move on.

 

JMO.

 

However, that said, I do agree it did Lorenza (other thread) a lot of good to ask (my earlier comment was meant to be sarcastic) even if his answer wasn't what she wanted to hear. Because now, hopefully, she KNOWS he's not invested, doesn't care and most likely will never be open and receptive to what she needs, or even listening to what she needs, so it's best to move on.

 

For me? I would not have needed to ask. I would have known a long time ago he wasn't invested, based on his ACTIONS. And I would have moved on then.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[mattelipstick]

Wait... did OP switch usernames halfway through the thread, or am I going nuts?

[mattelipstick]

But she won't know until she that conversation takes place.

 

I agree. I don't see communicating your desires as "begging for more than a man wants to give you" or anything along those lines. I will clearly communicate my wants/needs one time early on -- either the man will make an effort to step it up, or he will not. If it's the former, great. If it's the latter, I move on. Easy peasy.

[katiegrl]

I agree. I don't see communicating your desires as "begging for more than a man wants to give you" or anything along those lines. I will clearly communicate my wants/needs one time early on -- either the man will make an effort to step it up, or he will not. If it's the former, great. If it's the latter, I move on. Easy peasy.

 

Who said anything about "begging"? lol

[thecrucible]

I agree that asking will show the OP for sure what this guy is like. But I also think Katiegrl is speaking a lot of good sense on this thread. I dated a guy who only wanted to see me once and didn't really communicate much between dates and only on his terms. Telling him I wanted more communication didn't achieve anything.

 

I have one question, OP. Do you live close to each other? If you do, then once a week doesn't seem enough contact if you are living close by. But then it also depends on how busy your weeks are and what family commitments you both have. If I had a bf now, I might not get to see him very much due to my job and volunteering I am doing - unless he lived close by. I definitely think if two people are really into each other, finding opportunities to spend more time with each other should feel effortless.

[mattelipstick]

Who said anything about "begging"? lol

 

I did, obviously.

[j0celyn]

That's fine j0celyn.... I'm not big on these types of conversations -- asking for more than a man chooses to give me.

 

Just me, but I either accept and be happy with what he's giving me, or if I can't, I walk away and find a man who can. Because I know and accept that if he wanted to give me more, he would be. And my instincts on that have never failed me yet.

 

I judge how a man feels about me by how he treats me on his own, from his heart -- his actions. If his actions don't tell me he's into me, and invested in me as I am in him (and believe me I am about the LEAST needy and demanding person you could know -- I need a lot of space myself) -- then I move on.

 

I realize we're not all the same on that, and I respect that.

 

Just telling you what has always worked for me.

 

I understand that, but this isn't about you, this is about OP. She clearly can't accept and be happy with what he's giving her, but she also doesn't want to walk away (yet?). The solution is to have a conversation to see what's up with the guy.

 

Again, it's not asking for more than a man chooses to give you. That's like saying a woman can't express her needs. How will a man know what you needs are if you don't tell him? He still has the choice to give you more or less than what he's willing to thereafter. All the men I've been with have thanked me and respected me more for being vocal instead of making them guess or pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. I would have missed out on several great, healthy relationships if I had just bounced. I think if you really like someone and you see a potentially good thing, it's worth taking that chance and not just walk away.

 

I respect your approach, and I'm glad it works for you, but it's also forgetting about all the men that have no clue what you want, but are more than happy to fulfill it from their heart if they only knew what that was.

 

Again, the guy is essentially in med school, yet you're applying the same approach you'd use on men who have the time/resources/capacity that he does not. It just doesn't work that way.

 

 

By the way, there is a thread running now by a poster named Lorenza. She recently asked her boyfriend if he wouldn't mind checking in with her once a day via text, just to say hi or whatever. Real quick. It would help her feel connected. Below was his response:

 

>>Then I explained to him that I think its important with a little weather check in between of all of our work, and he just answered: "yeah, maybe to you. But Im different. When im focused on other things, I forget." After which he stopped reading my messages completely.

A lot of good her asking did!

 

Context. Lorenza's situation/needs are very different from OP's. Although, you did just prove my point that how your man reacts to you expressing your needs can be the kick in the pants you need to walk away.

[j0celyn]

I don't think it has anything to do with inexperience.

 

My boyfriend at 16 knew how to treat me right for heaven's sake. It's instinctual, not anything you can be "taught."

 

You're into someone, you instinctively want to spend time with them.

 

Right, because you bf at 16 is representative of all men.

 

And for some people, depending on their circumstances, they can't spend as much time as they want with someone regardless of how much they want to. Less time doesn't necessarily mean someone is into you any less.

 

You can't make those sweeping assumptions.

[bigbaby]

Tell him if he buys you a diamond ring, you'll do the nasty with him. Come back and report the results.

[j0celyn]

I agree, in stable, loving long term relationships, expressing needs is VERY important. I should know, I have been in three LTR myself.

 

But in brand new relationships, a few months old... no, this is the time when both are assessing how well they fit together... if their basic fundamentals needs match.

 

If you have to start asking someone you just started dating to do this or that to make you happy, then something is wrong....and it's best to move on.

 

I think you and I are also very different in this regard in that having these conversations is part of my assessing how well I fit with someone and if our basic fundamental needs match. I want to see how he will react to having those talks, instead of finding out months later that he can't handle it.

 

Also, I'm confused... in your other posts, 3.5 months seems to be long enough, so it's not like they "just started dating." And they are dating exclusively. She has all the right to express her needs at this point.

[j0celyn]

Who said anything about "begging"? lol

 

You may not have said it, but it's what your posts insinuate. Even if it's not your intention, it's certainly what it sounds like.

[Els]

Him always having something with friends planned for after your evenings together, every single time for 3.5 months, is definitely rather odd. I wouldn't necessarily say he's hiding something from you, but I don't think being in dental school can completely account for that. The guys I dated from med school would have a week or two during exams when they had to focus completely on exams, but there was never a need to always rush off after dinner every single time for 3.5 months straight. And we would always make up the time after exams. Barring the instances where physical distance prevented it, we definitely met up more often than once a week.

 

I just don't think the relationship is anywhere near your guy's priorities in life right now - as you said, he always has something else scheduled, usually with friends. To be fair, that is not unusual for some college students. Can you accept that? If you can't (and you have every right not to, I wouldn't either), then it might be best to just part ways. Unfortunately I'm not really seeing this as a situation where more communication would help. It's unlikely that the type of guy you want would need to be TOLD that you don't want him going off with his friends after meeting you for dinner all the time.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Elswyth

[katiegrl]

I agree that asking will show the OP for sure what this guy is like. But I also think Katiegrl is speaking a lot of good sense on this thread. I dated a guy who only wanted to see me once and didn't really communicate much between dates and only on his terms. Telling him I wanted more communication didn't achieve anything.

 

 

Thank you thecrucible .......and I'm sorry to hear your situation didn't work out for you.

 

The OP has received many differing opinions on this ...it is now up to her to take them all in, making the right decision *for her*.

 

I am really big on that -- doing whatever works and feels right and comfortable to each of us.

 

Best of luck OP! I hope it all works out the way you hope it will.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl

[hippychick3]

I don't believe in getting into relationships to change people. The first few months are about getting to know someone and seeing if you're compatible. I've always liked to observe behaviors and make my own decisions based on those behaviors. Any time I did tell someone how I wanted them to behave, it didn't result in any lasting change of behavior. I want someone who treats me how I want to be treated without me having to tell him how to do so.

 

Sure there are little things you can communicate about (I like daisies more than roses, I love being sent funny pictures, I prefer Mexican over Chinese, etc.). But I don't believe I should have to tell a guy how often he should see me. I only want someone who WANTS to see me regularly and consistently WITHOUT me telling him or prodding him. How else can one truly gauge interest? If I have to tell someone to see me more, they aren't interested enough in me to invest my time or energy.

[katiegrl]

I don't believe in getting into relationships to change people. The first few months are about getting to know someone and seeing if you're compatible. I've always liked to observe behaviors and make my own decisions based on those behaviors. Any time I did tell someone how I wanted them to behave, it didn't result in any lasting change of behavior. I want someone who treats me how I want to be treated without me having to tell him how to do so.

 

Sure there are little things you can communicate about (I like daisies more than roses, I love being sent funny pictures, I prefer Mexican over Chinese, etc.). But I don't believe I should have to tell a guy how often he should see me. I only want someone who WANTS to see me regularly and consistently WITHOUT me telling him or prodding him. How else can one truly gauge interest? If I have to tell someone to see me more, they aren't interested enough in me to invest my time or energy.

 

Absolutely agree ... and well said.

Edited February 4, 2016 by katiegrl