Second chance with a guy I casually dated who didn't want to commit the first time

[Satu]

If it's a boyfriend and a relationship you want, you're wasting your time with this one.

 

He's not interested, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

[elaine567]

He said he likes me and enjoys my company but he doesn't feel enough of a connection with me.

...he said he thinks it's best if we just stay as friends

 

YOU have been "friendzoned".

He doesn't want a relationship with you but is happy being your friend.

As you care about him, do not stick around "hoping for more" as that is very unlikely to happen.

[smackie9]

W-a-s-t-e-o-f-t-i-m-e

[Zahara]

He said his feelings for me hasn't changed, and when I asked him what that meant, he said "it hasn't gotten worse". I'm not sure how to interpret that. Is he saying he still likes me or is he saying he still doesn't like me enough to want more?

 

After 4 months, I asked if we could start taking things to the next level and become official and he said he's not ready. He said he likes me and enjoys my company but he doesn't feel enough of a connection with me.

 

That is what he meant when he said his feelings haven't changed.

 

How should I proceed from here? Does it sound like there's a chance we can get back together or was he just saying it to be nice?

 

The worst thing you can do is chase a man. It's a turn-off. It only screams desperation and if you're thinking a guy is going to consider you, it is only going to push him away. He's just being polite at this stage, appeasing your "can we get back together" requests.

[SwordofFlame]

Unless something has changed, dating him again is just going to be more of the same. It will be nothing more than what is almost just a platonic friendship.

[spriggan2]

He said his feelings for me hasn't changed, and when I asked him what that meant, he said "it hasn't gotten worse"

I got hit with that before. Sounds like there's hope because you interpret it as the feelings just aren't getting deeper like yours but there is still attraction, right where it left off. Almost certainly not the case. The attraction died somewhere and so the feelings stalled, it just didn't turn into irritation...yet.

 

Personally I think it's a deceitful thing to say to someone, but I was on the receiving end.

Edited March 24, 2016 by spriggan2

[difficult_decisions]

Sorry for the thread jack, but I'm in the exact same situation with OP, but with a girl that I've already slept with.

 

OP and I want to see it going somewhere, but our dates don't. They want to keep things casual/friendly. I feel these type of people want the push & pull, and liking something they can't have. The moment we show our cards to say we want something more, we immediately lose leverage and the sense of challenge.

 

Is it ever possible to keep hanging out casually, in hopes of them developing feelings, or just drop it and move on?

 

Sounds pretty straight forward in writing, but much harder to do when you're actually involved in it.

[ptlouie11]

I got hit with that before. Sounds like there's hope because you interpret it as the feelings just aren't getting deeper like yours but there is still attraction, right where it left off. Almost certainly not the case. The attraction died somewhere and so the feelings stalled, it just didn't turn into irritation...yet.

 

Personally I think it's a deceitful thing to say to someone, but I was on the receiving end.

 

Thank you for your comment. Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

[Zahara]

Thank you for your comment. Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

 

OP, please stop. If anything you're going to become an annoyance to him.

 

You've posted a few threads about this guy and this has been going on since Sept/Oct based on your thread in Jan? If he hasn't moved forward since for these many months, you have to accept that he's not going to go any further than where you are.

 

Step back and visualize how you sound to him. Imagine stepping in his shoes and having a guy that you're not invested in do this -- Can we get back together? Can we get back together? What does it mean? Can you tell me how you feel? Can you clairfy? Can we get back together? It's insanity.

 

If you have to push someone to be honest about how they feel about you -- you have your answer.

[Satu]

snip

Thank you for your comment. *Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

 

*What he meant is:

 

"Thanks but no thanks."

[seekingpeaceinlove]

What does it say abour your self esteem if you are chasing and hanging on to a guy who says his feelings for you "hasn't gotten worse."

 

!?!?!?!?!!?

 

Girl, work on your self worth and esteem. Give your energy and time to someone who is crazy about you. This guy is not it. There aren't many more ways that he can say that he's just not that into you. Don't want to look desperate and pathetic? MOVE ON.

[elaine567]

Men get rejected a lot by women, so a man given the green light by a woman he is into, is very keen to make sure she knows it. He makes sure he sees her a lot and makes her his gf PDQ in case she gets snapped up by someone else.

He has sex with her, he makes her feel loved and adored.

 

What part of all that, is this guy showing you?

[spriggan2]

Thank you for your comment. Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

 

I think the best thing you can do here is walk away. Truly move on and see other people. Do it and come back to this thread and realize how fruitless it would be to force a relationship with him right now. On top of that giving him space is your only hope that he'll see you in an attractive light, but try not to hope for that.

 

Obviously you really like him, but it sounds like at the very very best he'll be dragging his feet to be with you. You won't be secure in the relationship and it will be agony. Sooo not worth it.

 

He may even start to lose respect for you if you're content to accept the scraps of an unenthusiastic man. Go fall in love with someone who will happily return your affection in equal measure, you deserve that, and in time, once you are over this dude, you will be happier. It feels so much better when the person you want actually wants you back, even though it may not seem that way at this present moment.

Edited March 25, 2016 by spriggan2

[katiegrl]

Thank you for your comment. Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

 

OP, it seems you read everything in spriggin's post *before* he wrote ...

 

"Almost certainly NOT the case."

 

Please read what he wrote *after* this comment.

 

spriggan meant it sounds like there is hope but the reality is, there is not. Definitely not.

 

No do not talk to him to clarify anything, if you do you *will* start annoying him!

 

The reality is he does not feel a romantic connection with you, does not want a relationship with you other than a friendship.

 

Again, I am sorry but it would really be in your best interests to let him go and move on.

 

Best of luck.

[truth_seeker]

This guy is making an effort to not hurt your feelings. He has stated clearly by his words and actions that he is not interested in you. I know it hurts and sucks, but you need to block this guy out right now so you can lose interest in him and move on.

[truth_seeker]

 

The worst thing you can do is chase a man. It's a turn-off. It only screams desperation and if you're thinking a guy is going to consider you, it is only going to push him away. He's just being polite at this stage, appeasing your "can we get back together" requests.

 

No it isn't. If a beautiful woman chased me I would be on a high. It would tell me she's very into me and it gives me the power.

 

If you're not interested in someone and they keep being persistent then what you say is true for both genders.

 

What OP is doing is a turn-off because the guy has tried to tell her indirectly that he is not interested to spare her feelings.

 

What's troubling is a woman chasing a man and her friends advise her not to and to play hard to get or tell her: "If he really likes you he would come to you. DO NOT chase him!" The problem here is that if she chases and stops, the guy thinks either she is a psycho or lost interest. If the guy tries to make a move and the girl then tries to turn the tables with I'll ignore him now to get the power back and control the situation, the guy will think she lost interest or was a crazy unstable person to begin with.

 

What should happen is if you like someone you approach them, ask for their number or give them yours, set a date to go out.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Oh hun you can do better than this.

 

Give your heart a break. Invest in someone who is investing in you a lot more than this. This guy is giving you cryptic feedback. " It hasn't gotten worse".

I'd have the same reaction like " um.... what does that even mean?"

 

Leave him, move on with yourself and if you meet someone who you have a connection with, let him chase you!!!

 

This guy isn't making much of an effort with you, but there are plenty of men who would want a connection with you. T

 

They maybe few and far between unfortunately but you'll be full of gratitude when you meet that special guy.

 

Best of luck

[ptlouie11]

I hear what you all are saying and I do feel desperate for reaching out to him again. Part of me feels like I'm still holding onto him because he was really nice to me when we were still together. He made an effort to text/call every day and we had fun together. He even told me that he really likes me and sees a potential with me. When I kept pushing for us to be official, that's when things ended. Part of me just wants to go back and not push for a commitment anymore and just enjoy the presence. I know I shouldn't try to change him or holding out hope that he'd change his mind about me. I was going to drop my expectation while seeing him again.

 

So from what I gathered, I shouldn't ask for clarification. His birthday is coming up in about two weeks, should I try to see him again then and see if he brings it up himself?

[Zahara]

No it isn't. If a beautiful woman chased me I would be on a high. It would tell me she's very into me and it gives me the power.

 

Obviously. My point was made with regards to OP chasing a man that isn't invested in her.

 

So from what I gathered, I shouldn't ask for clarification. His birthday is coming up in about two weeks, should I try to see him again then and see if he brings it up himself?

 

1. You should NOT ask for clarification. When a man wants you, he will show you.

 

2. No, you don't try to see him again on his birthday. Start going out and meeting other people. Go out with your friends. You need to start pulling away and breaking your attachment to him. Otherwise, you'll be back 6 months from now still sitting and waiting for him to clarify his feelings for you. It's time to move on.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Zahara

[SwordofFlame]

I hear what you all are saying and I do feel desperate for reaching out to him again. Part of me feels like I'm still holding onto him because he was really nice to me when we were still together. He made an effort to text/call every day and we had fun together. He even told me that he really likes me and sees a potential with me. When I kept pushing for us to be official, that's when things ended. Part of me just wants to go back and not push for a commitment anymore and just enjoy the presence. I know I shouldn't try to change him or holding out hope that he'd change his mind about me. I was going to drop my expectation while seeing him again.

 

So from what I gathered, I shouldn't ask for clarification. His birthday is coming up in about two weeks, should I try to see him again then and see if he brings it up himself?

 

Really? You would be completely content going on a date every 1-2 weeks with negligible intimacy? I guess some people just need to learn their lessons the hard way.

[katiegrl]

I hear what you all are saying and I do feel desperate for reaching out to him again. Part of me feels like I'm still holding onto him because he was really nice to me when we were still together. He made an effort to text/call every day and we had fun together. He even told me that he really likes me and sees a potential with me. When I kept pushing for us to be official, that's when things ended. Part of me just wants to go back and not push for a commitment anymore and just enjoy the presence. I know I shouldn't try to change him or holding out hope that he'd change his mind about me. I was going to drop my expectation while seeing him again.

 

 

 

 

-----

 

So from what I gathered, I shouldn't ask for clarification. His birthday is coming up in about two weeks, should I try to see him again then and see if he brings it up himself?

 

^^No hun, you shouldn't.

 

Time to move on, this guy is done.

 

It does not matter why ....

 

Again, he does not feel the connection with you, does not want a relationship with you.

 

How many times do you need him to say it, before it sinks in?

 

Stop living in the past and move on......please!

 

It's sooooooo time.

[kendahke]

Thank you for your comment. Do you think it's worth it for me to talk to him again and ask him to clarify what he meant? I do think he's being nice but if I push him to be honest, I think he'd tell me the truth.

 

This is called becoming an unnecessary pest.

 

He's already telling you the truth. You just don't want to accept that his truth doesn't include a future with you.

 

He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. That is what his behavior is telling you. He just doesn't want to have to go beast mode on you for you to get it.

[truth_seeker]

Obviously. My point was made with regards to OP chasing a man that isn't invested in her.

 

Yes, and I mentioned the same thing in my post.

[truth_seeker]

I've been dating this guy I met from OLD for about 3.5 months. He (23 yo) and I are both busy students in grad school so we've been seeing each other about once a week or once every other week. He'd text me every 3-4 days to make plan for our next date. He's initiated about half of the dates. Recently I've tried to initiate hanging out more often and asked him out once during the week and he's been receptive to it. I said I enjoy spending time with him and I'd like to hear from him more often in between dates. So he's stepped up and either texted or called me at least once every day to check in with me, ask how my day's been, etc. However, he doesn't seem to want to see me more than once a week. When we do hang out, it's usually just dinner or a movie for about 2-3 hours top. He always seems to have other things planned the same night we're spending time together such as catching up with his friends at a bar, etc. so our dates rarely go much longer than 2-3 hours.

 

I can't tell if this is the normal pace or if he's just not that interested in me. I want to tell him I want to see him more often and want him to initiate more dates but idk how to say it without coming off as clingy and needy. We still haven't had sex yet and he hasn't tried to. He seems pretty inexperienced as he said he has never been in a LTR and he's somewhat of a passive type. We're dating exclusively at this point and I'm pretty sure he's not seeing other people.

 

I had to re-read this again... almost 4 months and no sex?! Also factor in he is trying to distance himself from you...

 

Conclusions:

1) He's not into you.

2) He's gay.

[Zahara]

Part of me just wants to go back and not push for a commitment anymore and just enjoy the presence.

 

The thing is, you can't because you have expectations. Even now you're analyzing what his words mean and contemplating on "pushing" him for the truth. You can't enjoy his presence because you're always going to be expecting and wanting more. And when he disappoints, you're going to feel bad about yourself. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I was going to drop my expectation while seeing him again.

 

This is when you'll settle for anything just to have something.