MM changing you??

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I know that my H's recent EA wasn't very 'normal'. It was with his ex mistress from 12 years ago. She wasn't particularly emotionally invested from the 'end' messages I've had the misfortune of reading.

 

Anyway, there's something that really screws with my mind & it's something I've never read on these posts.... My H did many things that seemed to have the intent of 'turning her into me'. He doesn't see it.

 

I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced anything similar...

 

She has a reasonably successful career. I was very successful before I became a SAHM, a different (with similarities) role. We have similar (ish) physical traits. She is very religious, my H is an atheist but pretended he wasn't. She likes country music, my H HATES it!

 

Anyway, looking at gift receipts & reading mails it's clear that in many ways he was trying to influence her to change a lot....Change into ME! Yuck!

 

He bought her my music, my flowers, my wine, books etc. He encouraged her to dress differently, think differently (politics & social views) he even bought her children my favorite English authors books!

 

It wasn't influencing her to be more like him, it was ME!

 

Do others experience this? What do you make of it? Is it just weird?

[privategal]

He was not caring enough to be origional...if those things pleased one woman..he figured he'd make it easy on himself and it must be sure to please another.

Some men are very selfish and simple...it wouldnt be fun and easy to put thought into HER needs...it was about doing something...anything to keep her on the line and LOOK thoughtful so he kept HIS needs met.

[ShatteredLady]

Really? That's sort of what he says..."You like it so why wouldn't she?" But she'd told him what she likes & she's very different from me.

[privategal]

He wasnt going to put time thought and energy into it. He took the easy route and maybe even thought if the items putchased were seen they would blend in and look like things he had bought for you...thats a guess.

Some men are very simple...child like..like "what is the easiest quickest way to get what I want" the easy route...again, selfish, unorigional, they dont have to do much work or take up time or energy of their own.

It wasnt new ideas, just new to her so it really would appear he WAS being thoughtful. Blah. Men!!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Really? That's sort of what he says..."You like it so why wouldn't she?" But she'd told him what she likes & she's very different from me.

 

I agree with private gal, my first thought was he's a "one trick pony".

I think he was doing what he thought he was proficient at and comfortable with and what he knows as right. I can see why that would be hard to wrap your head around.

[burnt]

ShatteredLady !!!!

 

That is one heck of a creepy question. And now that you have asked it, and now that I'm thinking about it…hmmm :sick:

 

You might be onto something there. There's a really mysterious disturbing psychology at work.

 

First, what I always knew from the start; using his own words I was "diametrically opposite" of his wife--in EVERY possible way two woman can be different.

 

His wife--drop-dead gorgeous, really into fashion, style, loves shopping and things feminine, super-duper extroverted, always into being around people and large gathering, parties, family etc, the ultimate chef, best woman, best wife, best mother; everything about strict religious conventional style living, super expensive spending; large house, many cars, social life around millionaires--the ultimate woman anyone can imagine. I still can't believe she is a "real" person--not some hollywood fiction character straight out of a fairy tale book.

 

Me: never got looked at by men; not a single piece of jewelry, no makeup, no feminine shoes, no dressy dresses, plain, boring, sneakers and casual comfortable minimalist clothes; love to play with dirt in the garden; hate shopping; super duper introvert, hermit, loner, no clue about social norms; hate social gatherings. I'm weird. Just plain weird. I can talk about nature/plants for hours, but clueless about people.

 

In one of our first conversations he made a joke about me wearing only one type of plain clothes; I told him I hated shopping and didn't care about fashion. He said "I know--you don't shave your legs". My reply: "WHY on earth would I shave my legs??" Seriously, I hadn't realized most women shaved their legs!! I told him I didn't see the point of shaving legs. It's a waste of time.

The first time I was naked with him, he commented that I had "grandma underwear". Apparently most woman wear more "feminine underwear"!! wow again?!?

I thought the "lingerie" was the clothing of a prostitute. Isn't life funny? Now I feel like I've been turned into a married man's prostitute myself.

 

Man, I've got NO idea about how to be a woman!

 

And

finally the most incredible comment of all: he said to me:

"I have this vision in my mind: one day I'll see you walking down the street wearing skin tight jeans and high heel shoes and I'll know my job is done".

So, yes, he did try to "educate" me many times about how to be more "feminine".

 

HMMM… :lmao:

 

Well,

looks like his dream won't ever come true. OUCH.

I'm still the minimalist and still don't wear jeans--no plan on wearing shoes with heels…or makeup or jewelry, or … yeah not happening.

 

Guess I'm not turing into something "feminine" like his wife any day soon.

 

So, if that's what he was trying to do, then Yeah; he failed.

 

Well the stupid stubborn weird me. And I'm quiet content to stay the way I am.

[13Hearts]

ShatteredLady !!!!

 

That is one heck of a creepy question. And now that you have asked it, and now that I'm thinking about it…hmmm :sick:

 

You might be onto something there. There's a really mysterious disturbing psychology at work.

 

First, what I always knew from the start; using his own words I was "diametrically opposite" of his wife--in EVERY possible way two woman can be different.

 

His wife--drop-dead gorgeous, really into fashion, style, loves shopping and things feminine, super-duper extroverted, always into being around people and large gathering, parties, family etc, the ultimate chef, best woman, best wife, best mother; everything about strict religious conventional style living, super expensive spending; large house, many cars, social life around millionaires--the ultimate woman anyone can imagine. I still can't believe she is a "real" person--not some hollywood fiction character straight out of a fairy tale book.

 

Me: never got looked at by men; not a single piece of jewelry, no makeup, no feminine shoes, no dressy dresses, plain, boring, sneakers and casual comfortable minimalist clothes; love to play with dirt in the garden; hate shopping; super duper introvert, hermit, loner, no clue about social norms; hate social gatherings. I'm weird. Just plain weird. I can talk about nature/plants for hours, but clueless about people.

 

In one of our first conversations he made a joke about me wearing only one type of plain clothes; I told him I hated shopping and didn't care about fashion. He said "I know--you don't shave your legs". My reply: "WHY on earth would I shave my legs??" Seriously, I hadn't realized most women shaved their legs!! I told him I didn't see the point of shaving legs. It's a waste of time.

The first time I was naked with him, he commented that I had "grandma underwear". Apparently most woman wear more "feminine underwear"!! wow again?!?

I thought the "lingerie" was the clothing of a prostitute. Isn't life funny? Now I feel like I've been turned into a married man's prostitute myself.

 

Man, I've got NO idea about how to be a woman!

 

And

finally the most incredible comment of all: he said to me:

"I have this vision in my mind: one day I'll see you walking down the street wearing skin tight jeans and high heel shoes and I'll know my job is done".

So, yes, he did try to "educate" me many times about how to be more "feminine".

 

HMMM… :lmao:

 

Well,

looks like his dream won't ever come true. OUCH.

I'm still the minimalist and still don't wear jeans--no plan on wearing shoes with heels…or makeup or jewelry, or … yeah not happening.

 

Guess I'm not turing into something "feminine" like his wife any day soon.

 

So, if that's what he was trying to do, then Yeah; he failed.

 

Well the stupid stubborn weird me. And I'm quiet content to stay the way I am.

 

You don't sound weird to me, Burnt. You sound earthy, non-materialistic, and unapologetically, wonderfully YOU. Amazing the contrast between you and BW!

 

Now, as to Shatteredlady's question: xMM did not try to change me into his wife. He knows enough about me that that would not be possible. I have a very strong personality.

 

IDK her but I don't think we're anything alike. I am independent and I don't put up with people's crap. She is dependent (on him) and stays with him despite his affairs (not sure how many he has had). If I were her, I'd have kicked his ass out long ago. She stays with him despite the fact that they don't do anything together unrelated to the kids. To me, THAT'S weird.

[Poppy47]

Had the conversation about gifts early in the A.

 

He wanted to buy me sandals for my birthday. I don't like people buying me clothing or footwear so I declined very graciously. MM was very taken aback. He said he always bought his wife a new pair of sandals for her birthday.

 

I wasn't offended. He had been married 45 years and I doubt that he had ever bought another woman a gift in that whole time. He genuinely thought it is what women like.

 

Nowadays he buys me flowers regularly and for birthdays he always asks what I would like.

 

He has never tried to change me in any other way at all. Probably because he realises he would not have a hope.

 

Poppy.

[lilacwine]

Had the conversation about gifts early in the A.

 

He wanted to buy me sandals for my birthday. I don't like people buying me clothing or footwear so I declined very graciously. MM was very taken aback. He said he always bought his wife a new pair of sandals for her birthday.

 

I wasn't offended. He had been married 45 years and I doubt that he had ever bought another woman a gift in that whole time. He genuinely thought it is what women like.

 

Nowadays he buys me flowers regularly and for birthdays he always asks what I would like.

 

He has never tried to change me in any other way at all. Probably because he realises he would not have a hope.

 

Poppy.

 

Hi Poppy

So I reckon you're now back in the A again right? How did it happen? When did you break NC?

[elaine567]

IDK her but I don't think we're anything alike. I am independent and I don't put up with people's crap. She is dependent (on him) and stays with him despite his affairs (not sure how many he has had). If I were her, I'd have kicked his ass out long ago. She stays with him despite the fact that they don't do anything together unrelated to the kids. To me, THAT'S weird.

 

YOU see the "dependent" women clinging on desperately to save her home, her family and her man, but that doesn't mean she didn't used to be a strong independent woman?

Mariital "trauma" changes everyone.

Having a family home, a husband and kids changes a woman's priorities in life.

I would guess she must be pretty strong to put up with his affairs and still be in there fighting for her family and her way of life.

[Pili-Pala]

Our first Christmas in the A he bought me some earrings and I realised it was from the same jewellery designer that made the necklace I have seen his wife wearing in almost all pictures I have seen of her. It made me feel a bit odd, but I think he did this for the reasons said above: that is he had been with his wife for 20 years and he thought all women want what she wants, he wasn't trying to make me into her. I don't really like stuff like that and he very quickly realised this and made it an almost mission to buy me gifts I would love - which was mostly gadgets and stuff - and over time as we got to know each other more and more he got me spot on presents (that his wife would never have liked).

 

I think what you describe OP is very likely a man with very little imagination and empathy, treating the goose as he treats the gander. It's like newly married men buying their wives presents their own mums would like; their mums have been the significant female in their lives until that point, as mum is a woman and wife is a woman so ergo they must like the same things... Until the woman in question sets them straight that is! When w has been around 20/25 years she is significant female and therefore her likes become the default go to when buying for OW, until OW set him straight/he gets to know her better.

 

Slight generalisation, but most men are pretty simple like that.

[Cappycorny]

It's a little creepy that a man would do that. I was told by mine that I reminded him of his first girlfriend. Even had the same first name. I freaked out. Your H was probably trying to re create you through her. That's my guess.

[burnt]

Oh ShatteredLady.

What an awful question you've raised.

Oh damn it.

 

The more I think about your question, the more disgusted I'm feeling now and the more it's making my skin crawl now.

 

All the things he said to me, the pet names, terms of endearments, the kinds of things he did when intimate, all he did with his wife. Nothing original at all.

 

So he was physically recreating a theatrical stage to feel closer to his wife through me?

 

SICK.

VOMIT.

[privategal]

No...no recreation...they want the strange and different...they just dont want to have to expend energy. Boring and lazy. In his explanation..this ones honest...take it as face value..you liked it so she would and I didnt have to try or think. Simple. Men are so simple like little boys. We make them complicated. We analyze...they just blindly go about their basic life...same hair..same shoes...same vacation...same job...basic.

[Forceawakensme]

No...no recreation...they want the strange and different...they just dont want to have to expend energy. Boring and lazy. In his explanation..this ones honest...take it as face value..you liked it so she would and I didnt have to try or think. Simple. Men are so simple like little boys. We make them complicated. We analyze...they just blindly go about their basic life...same hair..same shoes...same vacation...same job...basic.

 

I agree with Privategal. We project all these complicated ideas and thoughts, like their every move is indicative of somethingelse. I think often, they are as boring and predictable as they appear. They want the excitement of a sexual and/or emotional relationship. In most cases this takes an investment of time and resources (ie gift buying), the easiest road is to just replicate what they see at home. It was good enough for their wife, just play it safe (and lazy!).

 

My xMM took it one step further with the selfishness, his gifts were always self-serving, ie, something i could wear to please him etc. When i called him on this once he said "what, do you want diamonds or something? ok.. fine i'll buy you diamonds" --- Of course i told him not to bother. Yep, mine could be a real peach.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Lady2163]

I was very different in both personality and body shape than his wife.

 

I had been debating for years about whether or not to lighten and highlight my hair back to the shade it was in my 30s. Then the first time I saw his wife, she had changed her hair from her natural color to something that would closely resemble what I was thinking of doing. So, I passed on doing that.

 

She had a much trimmer, skinnier body than I did, but I had a nicer face. We weren't the same size at all. Her taste was more elegant and tasteful. Mine is more colorful and less elegant.

 

We had different likes, needs and wants. She did very little cleaning and upkeep around the house and definitely NO yard work. Meanwhile, I had to do all that around the house.

 

He did admit one time to getting us both spa treatments, but at different places. Even then, we liked different things. She would go for a mani/pedi and waxing, whereas I wanted a facial and massage. However, he got the idea from me, not the other way around.

 

When it came to gifts and such, I pretty much made my preferences known. As did he.

 

He did change me in different ways. My communication skills improved greatly. Dropping broad hints never worked in the past and I gave up on them with him.

 

I've got a lot less tolerance for things that men did before I started dating him. Geez, technology has advanced. Texting and everyone owning a cell phone wasn't the case back then. I was never happy when a man was late or didn't call on time. Now, I won't tolerate it. I used to settle for the crumbs men would give me and now I know what I bring to the table.

 

I've dated men in the past who would cheerfully tell me they were single because they are self proclaimed as! holes. I listen to them now. The last date that did that to me was a blind date from OLD. He said that, I pulled out some cash to cover my drink, threw it on the table and was leaving. The man was sputtering. I said, "Five years ago I would have sat here and stoked your ego by telling you I'm sure you're not an ass hole. I would have focused on your positive traits. Today, I choose to believe you and I don't need that in my life. Good luck."

 

So, MM changed me, probably for the better. Which isn't what the OP was probably going for.

[Maddieandtae]

Shatteredlady there very well could be truth to what you felt your husband was doing. If an man can manipulate/groom and gaslight an affair partner he wouldn't be to lazy or unoriginal to than try and change the affair partner into his "type" of woman which would be very similar to the woman he married!

[13Hearts]

YOU see the "dependent" women clinging on desperately to save her home, her family and her man, but that doesn't mean she didn't used to be a strong independent woman?

Mariital "trauma" changes everyone.

Having a family home, a husband and kids changes a woman's priorities in life.

I would guess she must be pretty strong to put up with his affairs and still be in there fighting for her family and her way of life.

 

Those were the priorities she chose. And no, I mean she really IS dependent on him. She doesn't make enough money in her job, despite her advanced degree, to live comfortably on her own. I chose a different path. That's the point, we're not similar. And he's never tried to convince me to be anything but what I am (other than future faking and telling me he wants to give me the option of working or not). But I would never quit my job or stop working. I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone.

 

I'm not judging her (he does enough of that) and, to point out the obvious, my choices (to pursue a career) give me the independence and power to not have to put up with anything that doesn't agree with my soul. She, on the other hand, chose marriage and children. I didn't say she was clinging onto that but you're probably right. I just shake my head at that kind of thing because women like that are just clinging onto an illusion, because that's what he wants. That keeps HIM in the power position with all of the same options as I have, and more, because men make more money than women, too. He knows she will never cheat on him (because she's loyal) and she will never leave him (because she takes her vows seriously). Men like that. They like the security of that, and they like to have someone to complain to.

[rainbowsandkittens]

My ex-AP didn't buy me a single thing. I bought him Christmas presents and, although he told me he knew what he was buying me, he never bought me anything. Side note: He never even took home what I bought him (which was really innocuous), or read the book I bought him.

 

I was the first American he ever dated so I am sure I was unlike his partner- or anyone else he knows. He compared me once to his mother but I shut that down pretty quickly- he doesn't have a high opinion of his mother. I don't know anything about his partner though- not what she looks like or even her name- so I can't say anything for sure.

 

The only thing I changed for him was some... ahem... grooming practices. He had ideas about what he liked. I didn't care either way so I did it. In fact, I actually ended up liking it a lot.

 

The ways he really changed me though was by nature of the A. Emotionally, I turned into someone I hardly recognized.

[Doublegold]

Her and I have a few similarities. Same heritage, family focused. The first gift from him was a pair of earrings relating to that from a local shoppe in his town. Reading this post I can imagine it was a place he was used to going to find a gift for his wife. The earrings were lovely.

 

Other than heritage and devotion to our kids I don't think we are much alike at all, and he was not recreating anything in either way. His Philandering is about him.

 

But there was an instance when he took the easy idea for a major Wedding Anniversary. He offered an overnight at a Spa on the beach that we spent many many occasions together at the restaurant next door hanging out together and/or with friends. I was livid--why come to my spot? His answer--it was an easy thought and I knew she wouldn't go because she also had the opportunity to visit family in another State and he was right. She spent their Anniversary with the people she wanted to be with. He did the same.

 

Like I said, we really are not similar.

[gettingstronger]

Agree on the not original, put no effort thing- I am a BS, but in the texts and emails there were so many similar things he said/did with both- its a hard reality because it means that yep, he put so little effort in to both relationships-

[cocorico]

Hi. I know that my H's recent EA wasn't very 'normal'. It was with his ex mistress from 12 years ago. She wasn't particularly emotionally invested from the 'end' messages I've had the misfortune of reading.

 

Anyway, there's something that really screws with my mind & it's something I've never read on these posts.... My H did many things that seemed to have the intent of 'turning her into me'. He doesn't see it.

 

I'm wondering if anyone here has experienced anything similar...

 

She has a reasonably successful career. I was very successful before I became a SAHM, a different (with similarities) role. We have similar (ish) physical traits. She is very religious, my H is an atheist but pretended he wasn't. She likes country music, my H HATES it!

 

Anyway, looking at gift receipts & reading mails it's clear that in many ways he was trying to influence her to change a lot....Change into ME! Yuck!

 

He bought her my music, my flowers, my wine, books etc. He encouraged her to dress differently, think differently (politics & social views) he even bought her children my favorite English authors books!

 

It wasn't influencing her to be more like him, it was ME!

 

Do others experience this? What do you make of it? Is it just weird?

 

Perhaps he missed you? From what you've described, he blamed his infidelity on your illness, and he claimed he'd felt reduced to being a carer rather than a lover. Maybe he was trying to recreate his early days with you, with her?

 

Our R was very different to his R with the xBW, and I am very different to her - in pretty much every way imaginable- so turning ones or the others of us into the other would never work.

[ShatteredLady]

Although I'd had surgery he wasn't actually ever my care giver. Well, he does grocery shopping & changes light bulbs (things that involve climbing up high) but I think a lot of men do that anyway. Don't they? I was shocked to learn that some women's H's can cook....

 

He used my terms of endearment too! Ugh! I call my friend "Lovely Lady", that became the pet name he used.

 

It's so strange. Wouldn't you guess (before experience) that you'd want everything to be different if you were cheating so it didn't remind you of home?

[waterwoman]

ShatteredLady !!!!

 

 

Me: never got looked at by men; not a single piece of jewelry, no makeup, no feminine shoes, no dressy dresses, plain, boring, sneakers and casual comfortable minimalist clothes; love to play with dirt in the garden; hate shopping; super duper introvert, hermit, loner, no clue about social norms; hate social gatherings. I'm weird. Just plain weird. I can talk about nature/plants for hours, but clueless about people.

 

/QUOTE]

 

Hi Burnt, meet your long lost twin I have known I am 'weird' for so long now I am proud of it ! I have friends who have tried to introduce me to the world of the feminine with spas, make-up and clothes. I smile, chat and try to look interested but edge discretely to the door - it's soooo tedious and a trifle scary! I can walk for miles with just my dog and my camera and I don't care if it's raining and muddy. I am training for a half marathon and loving the chance to run along empty country roads with no-one to talk to. I have an autistic 13 yr old who is obsessed with animals, dinosaurs and plants and we can chat happily for hours.

[ShatteredLady]

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry if I reminded anyone of hurt (as if reminding is needed ugh!!). Sometimes I start fixating on certain things. I know it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things & you feel like my pen pals sometimes.

 

The one that REALLY hurt me was buying her children my children's books. The crazy thing is I have 2 English children's authors that I love. He couldn't remember which he'd bought when I told him how much it hurt!! CRAZY!! How can anyone think that's ok?!?!?

 

....ladies your logic is correct. He said, "her kids are about the same age & our kids love you reading them! They're unusual so I'd know she didn't have them."

 

Please tell me this is an affair crazy & not how half the populations brains work!!!