MM changing you??

[privategal]

I think we all loved your question. Its ok to post as much as you'd like. We all need to process things with others and thats why were all here to help.

[Poppy47]

Hi Poppy

So I reckon you're now back in the A again right? How did it happen? When did you break NC?

 

Hello Lilac.

Will PM you.

Poppy.

[Daisy2013]

No, we are very different, I think. Except the times I complimented him and he'd reply "Wife said the same thing." That hurt me.

 

He's older, so she is as well, but also looks old, he looks younger and is handsome. She dresses older and different then me and our personalities are different. She is cold and opinionated and snarky (I know her so know this is true) and he says I'm warm, sweet and cuddly. If I become agitated it really bothers him and he asks me to not act like that. I don't typically, but when the hurt gets overwhelming, I tend to become reserved and he gets upset. I have to always be loving and nice and understanding of "his situation," per him.

 

Re gifts, she gets the jewelry and new car (as she should as she is his wife), I get reloads made by his friend for my revolver, if he even gives me a gift. If he wants to spend big on me, I get a box of new ammo. I am appreciative of his gifts, don't get me wrong. I love to give and any trinket given to me is appreciated. I'm happy when he brings me a piece of candy because we like to share sweets on occasion.

 

But because of our vast differences, it makes me wonder continuously why he is with me. He says I am the "positive, bright spot in his life and he wants a life with [you] me," yet he stays because "he has to." I know when he retires and it is no longer convenient for him to see me on his way home from work, I will be put in the box and forgotten about. He talks about how men put things in boxes a lot.

 

So, no. He doesn't try to turn me into his wife, he likes that I am different and becomes upset if I am anything but "warm and loving". But, he stays.

[Grey Cloud]

When I first saw photos of his wife on FB, I remember freaking out a bit as we looked similar. Same hair, same eyes. I even made a joke with him about it but he kind of shrugged like it was no big deal.

 

Creepy!

[elaine567]

I do not think it is any surprise that a MM would choose as an OW someone very similar to his wife.

The OW may think she is worlds apart from the woman he now lives with, but I guess she may be very similar to the girl he married all those years ago.

[Red123]

The MOW my H had an A with couldn't be more opposite of me. Our looks are nothing alike, body types totally different, hair, personalities, the way we view relationships even music taste totally different. He did not attempt to make her like me, I'm sure it was a nice break for him considering the state of our M at the time. He quickly realized they weren't compatible, hence the length of the A.

Edited March 26, 2016 by Red123
Added

[13Hearts]

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry if I reminded anyone of hurt (as if reminding is needed ugh!!). Sometimes I start fixating on certain things. I know it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things & you feel like my pen pals sometimes.

 

The one that REALLY hurt me was buying her children my children's books. The crazy thing is I have 2 English children's authors that I love. He couldn't remember which he'd bought when I told him how much it hurt!! CRAZY!! How can anyone think that's ok?!?!?

 

....ladies your logic is correct. He said, "her kids are about the same age & our kids love you reading them! They're unusual so I'd know she didn't have them."

 

Please tell me this is an affair crazy & not how half the populations brains work!!!

 

I'm not sure it's got anything to do with affairs. You and your proclivities obviously influence his decisions. Our expectation is that when married or in a committed relationship, some things, especially such personal things, are sacred. Untouchable. Sharing those things outside of the relationship would be audacious. But men are simple creatures, to put it kindly. Your WH doesn't see his actions as disrespectful, betrayal, or even weird. To him, it's just logical. There is no emotion to the act. It doesn't carry any larger meaning. It is only what it simply is. It's not personal.

[Forceawakensme]

I think sometimes its just a simple case of men 'having a type'. This makes them gravitate to certain women OR try to make them into *that* type of woman -- This may have been established well before he was married and this is why he went for his wife.

 

My X boyfriend had a thing for brunettes with blue eyes (grew up with a crush on JO from Facts of Life) - so he used to beg me to keep my hair natural color (dark) and not go lighter.. Nothing to do with an x-girlfriend of his .. it was just his preference from teen years. His next girlfriend was red-haired and i saw recently on fb that she is now dark... so im sure he was probably instrumental in that one.

[Forceawakensme]

I think sometimes its just a simple case of men 'having a type'. This makes them gravitate to certain women OR try to make them into *that* type of woman -- This may have been established well before he was married and this is why he went for his wife. My X boyfriend had a thing for brunettes with lighter eyes (grew up with a crush on JO from Facts of Life) - so he used to beg me to keep my hair natural color (dark) and not go lighter.. Nothing to do with an x-girlfriend of his .. it was just his preference from teen years. His next girlfriend was red-haired and i saw recently on fb that she is now dark... so im sure he was probably instrumental in that one.

 

Anyway my point is that maybe their gentle persuasions/manipulations have nothing to do with making the OW like their wife.. its just their preferences from the start.

Edited March 26, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[Forceawakensme]

i am very different to XMM wife. I would say we're about equal in face, and while we are the same dress size/both quite slim.. she is more tall and model-like slender with a long elegant neck, very serious looking, dressed in Ralph Lauren tailored tops and pants. Very organised and neat. Im shorter but still quite curvy with a round baby face. a bit clumsy but always laughing. Im a mess but my friends tell me im always fun. We both have long hair (i heard she cut hers once and he asked her to get extensions as he didn't like it short).

 

Ironically, i actually think his wife is way too good for him..and i thought that even during the A. From what i know, she is incredibly sharp and quite funny. Objectively, we both are really too good for him (in looks and intelligence IMO) Hes really nothing special and i see that more clearly with every passing day of NC.

Edited March 26, 2016 by Forceawakensme

[imsosad]

I have no idea what his W looks like,and I only know what he told me about her personality,so I dont believe any of it anyway.

I can say he is the complete opposite of my H,both in looks and character. My H is a quiet,serious, stable guy. My ex AP is classic bad boy, exciting, flashy,unpredictable.

The one thing that they have in common in a wild sense of humor, but they couldn't be more different in any other way.

If I have to guess, i am pretty sure his W and i look a lot alike, but can not say anything regarding her character.

[dreamingoftigers]

YOU see the "dependent" women clinging on desperately to save her home, her family and her man, but that doesn't mean she didn't used to be a strong independent woman?

Mariital "trauma" changes everyone.

Having a family home, a husband and kids changes a woman's priorities in life.

I would guess she must be pretty strong to put up with his affairs and still be in there fighting for her family and her way of life.

 

And it's totally likely she has NO IDEA.

 

I had no idea. But yet I "must have known." I was totally blindsided. There were NO SIGNS. I really wracked my brain about that one for years.

 

When someone sets out to actively deceive you, they are already ten steps ahead of you. And if he's one of those sick bastards that involves the kids in the deception, yeesh, the possibilities are pretty endless.

[burnt]

Hi Burnt, meet your long lost twin I have known I am 'weird' for so long now I am proud of it !

OMG

So happy to meet a fellow weird! We're not so alone YAYY

 

But I must say, it's interesting that you say "now I am proud of it". I feel the same way; even if I could change some of my 'weird' ways, I actually wouldn't. Whether I was natured this way or nurtured this way, it's who I am. In a way, I have adapted to being the plain jane all these years and have never even felt the desire to change.

 

I can walk for miles with just my dog and my camera and I don't care if it's raining and muddy. I am training for a half marathon and loving the chance to run along empty country roads with no-one to talk to.

SOOOO envy you!

Walking or running in the rain is one the most exhilarating and liberating feelings.

 

I have an autistic 13 yr old who is obsessed with animals, dinosaurs and plants and we can chat happily for hours.

That's beautiful.

Pure, innocent, and honest.

[Babsinhealing]

I am completely opposite from my XMM wife. She's 5 years older, very tall (same height as him), very conservative, brown eyes, brown short hair, mother of 3, very vanilla.

 

I'm about 5 inches shorter, long light brown hair, blue eyes, dimples, athletic build, no kids, a bit on the wilder side, career oriented

 

We couldn't be any more different.

 

Gifts he bought me were because he knew they would make me smile or happy- small things- but our relationship wasn't about that. What I wanted from him had nothing to do with materialistic items. I never felt he was turning me into her. If anything he wanted the complete opposite of her and liked it that way, he even loved my shorter height, but I guess that's not unusual after 25 years of marriage.