ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Hi Guys, Im new to this forum and needed some help. Ive been with my partner for 6 years and lived together for 3 years. There had been no signs of any problems, no dramas or arguments at all. I felt like the happiest girl in the world. One night he woke me up at 2am and confessed that 2 nights ago, he went to a brothel with his younger brother and 2 cousins. He insisted he didnt do anything there and was talking to the hooker about how he wanted to propose to me. mind you, he went into a private room for 30 mins and paid $1000 for himself and the boys. Instantly, i told him to leave the house and go to sleep at his parents. I was in shock. The next couple of days we fought like WW3. He swore nothing happened. Anyways, a couple of days later he called me and said that he went to a strip club but the girls were not performing so he played poker and left the venue. Still in shock, this was another hit. Moving on, a couple of days later (still fighting) i went to another state (melbourne) for 2 nights to get some space. After i come back he comes over and we have sex. then we are still arguing and he consistently told me 'nothing happened'. I felt sick to my stomach. At this point i had told my family and his family knew about the arguments.. After i come back from melbourne, he went to fiji for 1 week (to get some air). We are still arguing at this point. So now it was the day of our 6 year anniversary. As im on the computer i decide to check his bank statement which he had given me the password before. I looked at to my shock he had gone to another brothel (which he didnt tell me about) as i clicked the link it took me to the page. And what i saw, made me vomit. I coudnt believe all within 2 weeks this guy who i love and woke up next to was doing this. So i texted him and said 'wat the hell is this?' he said 'nothing' and switched his fone off. Finally the next day he calls.. i said 'i know wat u did, tell me the full truth', and i asked him all the questions like.. 'did the hooker suck ur d**k?, 'were u naked'... etc... and he said yes to all.. and what kills me is that he went just days before WE HAD SEX! i couldnt believe this guy who is respectful, honest, a family man, genuine etc had been doing this.. Im still in shock, going through counselling and all. He has left and lives with his parents now. He doesnt even seem to care that im hurt, angry, upset etc. How could he do this to me? he doesnt seem guilty at all.. i dont understand wat has happened... it all changed within 30min time frame.. and before he left to go to the first place he said 'i love you and see u soon'... hes tried to call and text.. and ive told him im in shock and my life has turned upside down... but i feel as though he doesnt even care.. someone who was potentially going to propose anytime soon as his cousin told me he had gone to get the ring.. any thoughts and comments will help thank you Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I guess due to his "lack of care" for you since he came clean/was found out, he feels somewhat entitled to do what he did. Some men in longer term relationships can get "bored" with the sex and need variety, maybe he felt he was not getting sex often enough, maybe he has "kinks" that prostitutes satisfy, maybe he just likes the excitement/power/control of "paying for sex", maybe he has always visited prostitutes in the past and was just returning to his "roots"... who knows? The issue for you is, can you live with a man who is essentially cheating on you with prostitutes? The problem with a prostitute "habit" is that it is possible to indulge anytime, any place, any where, and that for you would be a nightmare. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 thanks elaine, ur 100% right, he can go to a brothel anytime, anyplace etc. the trust is gone. i just cant believe it. even right now i dont know where he is and if hes doing anything, and the thoughts kill me. im over thinking all those nights when he had worked 'overtime'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 so sorry to hear you're in that much pain. people who see prostitutes have a deep seated issue with sex and have needs that normal RS cannot fulfill. Don't take him back and get tested asap. HPV and herpes and everything else included. Don't have sex with him, unless getting HIV is a risk you're comfortable taking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I know it is six years together and six years is a long time, and I am sure it doesn't feel great atm, but it is actually better you find out now, before you get married and before you have little kids to worry about on top. He was just not "the one" for you. I reiterate candie, get tested for STDs asap. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 thanks so much for the advice, yes ive seen the doctor and waiting for results in a few days. his such a scum bag i cant believe it! i feel like hes addicted now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I think this was his way of breaking up with you. He may have been doing this for a while but you weren't noticing so he made sure you noticed. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 i also rekon, he wanted to be with me and do this on the side, however i found out. i just cant believe this person. and now i think off all the arguments we had and wen i caught him talking to girls he would say 'i was talking to her about u' etc, then i had found that he searched a strip club address before, and wen i asked he said ' he was searching for a friend'. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 He wouldn't have confessed if he had wanted to carry on. He would have just kept sweet talking you. He tried to minimize it by claiming he only spoke to the pro etc but I think ultimately he doesn't want the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 You are doing the right things. He's a habitual liar. Nobody spends $1,000 to be with a hooker to talk to her about proposing to another woman. This guy must really think you are stupid. Hopefully your test results come back clean but you have to get him out of your life. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 He wouldn't have confessed if he had wanted to carry on. He would have just kept sweet talking you. He tried to minimize it by claiming he only spoke to the pro etc but I think ultimately he doesn't want the relationship. Yes, I agree there was a reason for the "confession" and it may be because he wanted to break up, but I can think of a lot easier ways. How about "This isn't working, I do not want to marry you ever, I am moving back to my parents, I will pick up the rest of my stuff at the weekend". Maybe he was obliged to confess because if he didn't, then someone who knew of his "habit" would have told Ashley instead - perhaps???? By confessing he maybe thought he could minimise the damage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I don't think he planned to break up with you and thought about telling you the truth as the means to a purpose. I think it's really hard to keep lying for immense periods of time. I do believe that something else might have happened that might have made him come clean. I hope it's not health related. In the end, why he did it, why he told you the truth now and not earlier - it's irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how you take this forward, now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 thanks again guys, so kind. basically now im living by myself and finishing off my studies. i have told him its done. there is nothing worse than this to me. all the lies, betrayal and games. i cant wait til i feel better again, but at the moment its very difficult 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) Yes, I agree there was a reason for the "confession" and it may be because he wanted to break up, but I can think of a lot easier ways. How about "This isn't working, I do not want to marry you ever, I am moving back to my parents, I will pick up the rest of my stuff at the weekend". Maybe he was obliged to confess because if he didn't, then someone who knew of his "habit" would have told Ashley instead - perhaps???? By confessing he maybe thought he could minimise the damage. I'd imagine a guy who thinks whoring is acceptable, isn't particularly emotionally mature. As it was at 2am, he may have been drunk anyway. I think if he had kept being good after, he would have got away with it. After all, she didn't break up with him straight away, he had to push. Edited March 25, 2016 by Emilia 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I'd imagine a guy who thinks whoring is acceptable, isn't particularly emotionally mature. As it was at 2am, he may have been drunk anyway. I think if he had kept being good after, he would have got away with it. After all, she didn't break up with him straight away, he had to push. who cares what he thinks about? Who cares what time it was? Who cares if he was drunk or not? it prob wasn't even his first time. We have no idea. I think it's terrible to think that he could have or that he should have shut up about it, to get away with it. that's horribly warped thinking. He paid and f*cked another woman, that is the only point worth mentioning. He is a cheater, that crosses him out directly from the RS. Any RS. If he had kept shut, he would have not only been a cheater but a liar too. That would have crossed him out twice from the RS, he wouldn't have received a good boyfriend medal for keeping silent. The moment he went to that brothel, he gave up the RS. It's as easy as that. Whatever else he did after, if he told her immediately or later or not at all, it doesn't matter. It's like a contest. If you don't have the minimum criteria to qualify you're out. No one will analyze attentively the file to look at all of the reason for the exclusion from the competition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 who cares what he thinks about? Who cares what time it was? Who cares if he was drunk or not? it prob wasn't even his first time. We have no idea. I think it's terrible to think that he could have or that he should have shut up about it, to get away with it. that's horribly warped thinking. He paid and f*cked another woman, that is the only point worth mentioning. He is a cheater, that crosses him out directly from the RS. Any RS. If he had kept shut, he would have not only been a cheater but a liar too. That would have crossed him out twice from the RS, he wouldn't have received a good boyfriend medal for keeping silent. The moment he went to that brothel, he gave up the RS. It's as easy as that. Whatever else he did after, if he told her immediately or later or not at all, it doesn't matter. It's like a contest. If you don't have the minimum criteria to qualify you're out. No one will analyze attentively the file to look at all of the reason for the exclusion from the competition. I think you need to read what I posted a response to before going off on one. Elaine and I were discussing the reason why the boyfriend was handling the situation the way he was. My point was that if he had wanted to stay, he would have continued to deceive rather than come clean. The OP must have missed a few warning signs - in other words. Pretty important for future reference. My post wasn't about right or wrong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Never see or speak to this person again. Any business you need to transact in order to divide your personal possessions should go through an intermediary or post office box. Change all your contact information and leave him only that one avenue to contact you. When you've finished separating your assets, close that door behind you too. Life is too short to be so deeply enmeshed with a selfish, immature partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Half your job is done that he has left.The other half is the devastating effect it has had on you. You will be in shock for a while. Then the emotions/feelings will come through hard. See a therapist before it gets worse for you. Men seeking prostitutes or plenty of women around them have issues and are not capable of a decent relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) I think you need to read what I posted a response to before going off on one. Elaine and I were discussing the reason why the boyfriend was handling the situation the way he was. My point was that if he had wanted to stay, he would have continued to deceive rather than come clean. The OP must have missed a few warning signs - in other words. Pretty important for future reference. My post wasn't about right or wrong. there are no warning signs that a man may go pay prostitutes to have sex. No one can predict what another human being may or may not do. Humans do not have the ability to read other humans minds or read the future. warning signs about his lack of interest in keeping the RS going? Perhaps. It's always easy to post rationalize, after the sh*t hit the fan, though. But when you're in it... it's impossible. The OP had no chance. Edited March 25, 2016 by candie13 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Men seeking prostitutes or plenty of women around them have issues and are not capable of a decent relationship. ^^^^ That is the reality, it doesn't really matter why or if he is sorry or if he feels guilty or entitled or justified even. The mainstay of the relationship i.e. TRUST has been totally undermined here. Some with long marriages, houses, kids, businesses, lives entwined may feel like working on it for years and years, investigating the whys and wherefores, rebuilding the trust if that is even possible, but at what cost? For single people and those with no real "ties that bind", they just need to walk away and keep walking. It is not your problem, it is his problem, keep well clear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I'd like to explain my snapping at other posters. I was so many times in a similar position to that of the OP. things were relatively well, but then, I had some red flags and some question marks. and I tried to talk to my at the time partner, with no use. A few days or weeks down the line, the cat's out of the bag. He breaks up, he likes someone else, he isn's sure anymore, whatever. Or not at all, turns out he was just going through a rough period and he was absent minded and not focused on me or on the RS. I have been in each and everyone of those situations and I have blamed myself so much as so hard for not being able to read the signs. What signs, others that he's acting weird? What sort of a power do I - or does the OP have, over a partner who becomes unresponsive? I just think it's really cruel to say she may have missed some red flags. She saw those damn red flags alright. They may mean something or they may mean nothing at all. It is impossible for another human being to anticipate the outcome. Any outcome. Positive or negative. In the end, one invests in a RS and believes they have a genuine, authentic connection. Then the sh*t hits the fan and it turns out, they didn't. It may work out or it may not work out. It all matters on the dynamic between the 2 people. And if it's with the wrong guy, it simply won't work out. I think that there's no such thing as a wrong move with the right guy. Whatever blunder the OP does, he'll still think she's walking on water. This one doesn't. I overreacted, because telling a woman who just found out that the partner paid a prostitute for sex that she missed some red flags and she could have anticipated that, is burdening her. Like it's her fault for ignoring something this obvious. Adding to the guilt. Because one things' for sure, she will replay all the fights, all the scenes, inside her head, over and over again, trying to see which sign she missed. Signs of emotional disengagement? Perhaps. But signs a dude straight up walks from a RS of 6 years into a brother and pays a prostitute? Man, I wish someone would explain to me what those signs are, 'cause i'm just as lost as the OP. Saying those things adds to the guilt. And swimming in guilt makes recovery much much slower. Plus, it's not fair to say these things. It's plain out mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I usually don't have an issue with single men using prostitutes but in any case this guy betrayed your trust and cheated. I think you already did what you can do (ended the relationship, had him move out). Next you'll need time and support to heal from this. Part of me suspects that either he wanted to get caught and/or he had been doing this for awhile. It just seems strange to do it and suddenly confess and then go do it some more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I usually don't have an issue with single men using prostitutes but in any case this guy betrayed your trust and cheated. I think you already did what you can do (ended the relationship, had him move out). Next you'll need time and support to heal from this. Part of me suspects that either he wanted to get caught and/or he had been doing this for awhile. It just seems strange to do it and suddenly confess and then go do it some more. Maybe he did it because he wanted to talk himself out of getting married. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 If no one has mentioned it yet, please get checked for STDs! You said that you had sex during the reconciliation period and he may have given you something... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Part of me suspects that either he wanted to get caught and/or he had been doing this for awhile. It just seems strange to do it and suddenly confess and then go do it some more. I'm also wondering if he's taken up using mind altering substances, it sounds by the way you are describing it like he's gone off the rails, on a bender, or even having a psychotic break of sorts... It's never easy to see someone completely change overnight in front of your eyes, while there probably were some clues, it sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis, cold feet, or experimenting with drugs. how old are you two? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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