Author ashley1992 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 thanks for the help everyone. im so confused, one part of me says to cut off all communication with him and the other part of me says to keep in contact. he has come over since we have been arguing and have had sex.. cal it 'make up sex' it just happened. ofcourse i love him, but when reality kicks in and i think of him going to the brothels it kills me. he now does seem to show some guilt, but the last time he was reacting like this he had already done the deed and was acting like it never happened, until i caught him. so i dont know whether his feelings are genuine. so trust is gone out the door, ive been betrayed and hurt so badly. my family will basically disown me if they knew that i even had the THOUGHT of reconcillation. His parents also told me that he is no good for me. i dont know what to do, i cant seem to live a life without him in it. we are 24 years of age Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 (edited) Sex didn't just happen. You wanted it to happen. Be honest. You could have said no. If the best you think you can do for yourself is someone like him, believing you can't live without someone that treats you poorly, it would be in your best interest to maybe seek help with your lack of self value. Even putting yourself at risk when you know the possibilities of him carrying an STD. Do you really desire his validation that much? Do you even love yourself to feel the need to at least protect your body? You should be repulsed. There's no love here just a toxic attachment to one another. At this point, you've just taught him you'll accept absolutely the worst treatment and still reward him with sex and attention. Anticipate more bad behavior. You've established yourself as a doormat. It's unfortunate that at 24 you're already conditioning yourself to such poor treatment and believing this is the best you can do. I don't blame your parents. If you had a daughter, a sister or a dear best friend, what would you tell her? Apply that to yourself. Edited March 28, 2016 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 thanks zahara, ur absolutely right, u just opened my eyes. thanks for ur advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Empire87 Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 You're allowing this to continue at some level as well. Although you've kicked him out and live on your own, the moment you have sex with him again it just completely negates any seriousness you had built up as far as the relationship ending due to his behavior. I mean for goodness sake you have no idea who he's sleeping with and you could be contracting anything and everything through him! Even if you're waiting for the blood tests to come back form your dr, if you've slept with him in the time period between, you literally have to go and get tested all over again because you are completely blind as to where he's putting his ___. You're 24. Not 44. You've been with him for 6 years so you probably haven't developed the maturity in viewing relationships to understand that the things he's done will NEVER go away and will only get worse as you get older. It would be one thing if he felt so guilty about going to the brothel that he told you and begged forgiveness and then never went again. But he did the opposite. He actually told you to basically get it off your his chest, then once you knew and didn't leave him immediately, he knows that he can do what he wants because you don't have the self courage or respect to do what's necessary and cut him out of your life. You know for a fact that he's STILL going to these places and seeing prostitutes/steippers. If you're the kind of girl who can live with being in a relationship where your husband/BF can sleep with others on the side because it's just a physical need, then by all means stay with him. But if you're the girl who doesn't want to deal with that at all for the next 50 years of your life. Then you know what you have to do. He's not gonna change or stop overnight. You have to tell him it's over, go no contact for a minimum of a year before you can look at seeing if he's made changes to his life. If this guy really feels like he wants you in his life forever then you should be able to tell him that he needs to prove to you that this is done forever. The only way to do that is if you break up, then maybe a year from now you randomly look at his finances. That will tell you if he's been going to see these women in that time apart and it's nothing that'll stop for him. If you're smart you should see that now and not waste anymore time. At your age this certainly isn't the end of the world and you're not past your prime at all. You'll be upset for a few months and then someone else will come into your life and excite you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 i realise what has happened. but i just dont know how to stop seeing him & communicating with him. i wish i could turn back time wen this neva happened but then again im not sure if he did this b4. hes telling me his sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 i realise what has happened. but i just dont know how to stop seeing him & communicating with him. i wish i could turn back time wen this neva happened but then again im not sure if he did this b4. hes telling me his sorry. please don't throw away you life for this loser. of course he's 'sorry'. the only thing worse than this is to wake up with the same philandering loser and be 44 with his children 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 i realise what has happened. but i just dont know how to stop seeing him & communicating with him. i wish i could turn back time wen this neva happened but then again im not sure if he did this b4. hes telling me his sorry. Of course he's saying he's sorry. He wants to rope his puppet back in. And he knows you'll accept just about anything to be with him. One little sorry and you jumped into bed with him. He gets to go out and do his prostitutes because this isn't stopping and he gets to go home to his puppet who will provide him sex, attention, company, someone to cook, clean, etc. It's an awesome package deal for someone like him. You don't know how to stop seeing or communicating him? That's because you don't believe you deserve anything good in your life so you are CHOOSING to stay in a bad relationship. Anything is better than nothing -- that's your level of standards and expectations for yourself. Hopefully you wake up soon. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 Thanks zahara really appreciate it. I believe i became weak during this past week and gave him my attention, time and also sex. From today, im not going to take this any longer. I dont even know whats wrong with me.. How could i have even spoken to this man after all this?! im shocked at myself and am going to be stronger & will change my fone number. it hurts really bad that im no longer with him however i think its the best for me and my future to forget him now. still in shock at what hes done. Thnx for ur help 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 Thanks zahara really appreciate it. I believe i became weak during this past week and gave him my attention, time and also sex. From today, im not going to take this any longer. I dont even know whats wrong with me.. How could i have even spoken to this man after all this?! im shocked at myself and am going to be stronger & will change my fone number. it hurts really bad that im no longer with him however i think its the best for me and my future to forget him now. still in shock at what hes done. Thnx for ur help Yes, please change your phone number. Make it your goal to move on from him so that you may have a better future for yourself. Staying with this man is going to destroy you. Imagine another 6 years of this pain. If you push yourself to remove this man from your life now, it's only going to be painful temporarily. In time you'll heal and you'll move on. Staying with him on the other hand will bring you indefinite pain. You are 24. Life is beginning. Stay single for awhile. Set goals for yourself and accomplish them. Work on your self-esteem. Engage with positive people. Go out and have fun, travel, make friends, etc. So much for you out there. Give yourself a chance. Don't limit yourself and ruin your life for this one clown. DO NOT allow this man back into your life. Seek support from your friends and family. The ones that truly love and care for you. Take care and keep posting whenever you need help. Good luck to you. Stay strong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnyWeather Posted March 28, 2016 Share Posted March 28, 2016 the only thing I can add is, perhaps, to view the situation as if you were withdrawing from a drug. the experience is kind of similar, especially the part about being strong and not taking one more hit/sip/call--whatever--from him. the brain and body are processing it in a similar way... good luck {{{hugs}}} 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 well said that sums up the feeling at the moment Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 hi guys, just like to get any thoughts. I'm not sure why I still care so much about the fact that he will still go to a brothel? I already know he has done it. I reckon it would be harder if I didnt know whether he did or not. I believe I have an advantage as I know the truth. However, I am still constantly worried about whether he is stil doing anything sexual? is this normal? I get nervous thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 You care because you're still emotionally attached to him. It's normal that you're feeling this way. It's still a difficult fact to grasp that someone you love was doing this behind your back. No one can tell if he is still seeing prostitutes, but if he was doing it while with you, chances are probably higher that he'd be doing it now since he's alone and likely wanting attention and sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted March 29, 2016 Share Posted March 29, 2016 You know that he was still visiting prostitutes after you found out about the "first time" so why would he stop now? He ripped your heart out and then went off and screwed another one. That shows no remorse, frankly it is cruel. I'm sure nothing anyone says is going to stop you from making the same mistake again, but if nothing else you need to make a promise to yourself that you will NEVER have sex with him again without a condom, ever! He will continue to see prostitutes and there is nothing you can do about it. You will never know who he has been with and whether protection was used. If you ignore this warning you will likely end up with STI. Some are curable, some aren't, some will take away your ability to have a child, and some will kill you. The sad part is you won't have any warning or chance at treatment unless it is one of the more obvious ones. It will catch you unaware because he is sneaky, he won't tell. You are so young and have so many wonderful experiences and opportunities waiting for you. Prioritize your health. A broken is only temporary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 hi guys just a update from my tests I got done after I found out about the loser paying for sex. All clear! I'm so glad! unfortunately he has contacted me & I have replied & also called. However it always ended up being an argument about how he could do this to me. I cannot believe this guy, still in shock. At the moment he is the one being distant & I get crazy thoughts like if this man really loved me & was genuinely sorry... then wouldn't he be trying hard to 'win me back?' he's showing no signs & in my head I say "wow that's the fight u put up in showing me ur sorry?" tell me if I'm thinking wrong... it feels as though he's the one who stuffed up everything & now he's the one who is distant? I'm confused with this behaviour. it's like he's happy? & he seems to get angry and say " omg ur not going to get over this ay?! I know I'm better off without him.. but he's not even showing that he cares? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 unfortunately he has contacted me & I have replied & also called. STOP RESPONDING!!!!! You need to go 100% No Contact and stick to it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Thnx Carrie.. it's easier said than done. I try but I fail badly Link to post Share on other sites
fawnlawn Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Seriously? This is so terrible of him and I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry you're hurting. To me, three years is a long time, so to see that you've just been living together for three and been with each other for double that... I'm so sorry. Personally, because of that many screw ups in such a short amount of time and with no care for your reaction, something must be going on. Now I'm not saying it's this, but I know from seeing family react badly to health scares, if his health is compromised maybe he's trying to cope. The other, more plausible option, would be that he's wanted to end the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to do it. By cheating - quite a lot - and acting this way he probably thinks you'll end things so he won't have to. Since his little brother and cousin or whoever were with him, I'd confront them about it and see what they say. Not to patch things up with him, but just to see if you can get the truth for closure. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 hi guys just a update from my tests I got done after I found out about the loser paying for sex. All clear! I'm so glad! unfortunately he has contacted me & I have replied & also called. However it always ended up being an argument about how he could do this to me. I cannot believe this guy, still in shock. At the moment he is the one being distant & I get crazy thoughts like if this man really loved me & was genuinely sorry... then wouldn't he be trying hard to 'win me back?' he's showing no signs & in my head I say "wow that's the fight u put up in showing me ur sorry?" tell me if I'm thinking wrong... it feels as though he's the one who stuffed up everything & now he's the one who is distant? I'm confused with this behaviour. it's like he's happy? & he seems to get angry and say " omg ur not going to get over this ay?! I know I'm better off without him.. but he's not even showing that he cares? He probably knows that this is a deal-breaker for you, so he is no longer interested. He probably feels justified in what he did, he is probably angry with you for finding out. At the very least he needs someone to be on board with his "habit" of visiting brothels, he wants you to turn a blind eye and as you are obviously not going to do that, he has discounted you and has gone distant. He knows he is not going to stop, whatever happens. This is the man that after a huge fight about his brothel use, went out and visited another brothel. He is, who he is. He is obviously not for changing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 yes ur right. He's angry that I won't turn a blind eye on this. I don't think he will stop either, even though he has said he will... I doubt it very much.. I dont get how one min our relationship is heaven and next its hell Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 yes ur right. He's angry that I won't turn a blind eye on this. I don't think he will stop either, even though he has said he will... I doubt it very much.. I dont get how one min our relationship is heaven and next its hell It was heaven until you found out who he really was. Being with a man who visits prostitutes, is not something that you can deal with, hence the hell. Few women would be able to turn a blind eye to such behaviour from a long term partner, so you are not alone there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted March 31, 2016 Author Share Posted March 31, 2016 Thanks alot Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 Thnx Carrie.. it's easier said than done. I try but I fail badly You own a smart phone? There is a way to BLOCK numbers so you don't even see when a person is trying to reach you. That is the first step towards No Contact. BLOCK HIS NUMBER! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 31, 2016 Share Posted March 31, 2016 (edited) I get crazy thoughts like if this man really loved me & was genuinely sorry... then wouldn't he be trying hard to 'win me back?' He does not love you. Repeat it to yourself over and over again. he's the one who is distant? I'm confused with this behaviour. it's like he's happy? & he seems to get angry and say " omg ur not going to get over this ay?! I know I'm better off without him.. but he's not even showing that he cares? He does not care. Repeat it to yourself over and over again. He's wanting you to look past his behavior because he does not see anything wrong in what he has done, and even if it was wrong, you're not supposed to have any right to have an opinion about it. So, stop trying to seek some kind of resolve from this -- it's over and done with. You either go back to him and tolerate more prostitutes or block him. It's hard but at some point -- when does your self-respect kick in? It's no wonder he has no consideration for your feelings. Edited March 31, 2016 by Zahara 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashley1992 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 hi guys and girls! gues wat.. i get a call from him.. yes i picked up i dont know why! It was so hard to be honest. Anyways long story short.. he ended up telling me he went to another brothel!!!!! Omgg!! coming from someone who wants to fix this?!! then his mum calls and we talk.. shes like he promises me he wont go again so plz give another chance! and i feel like she thinks its nothing and that he went to a brothel bcos he was arguing with me! Like there is nooo reason! if ur mad go for a walk drive or drink at a pub why go have sexual things with another women and come home and tell me u love me and ur sorry. Im so mentally drained i feel like im going insane. hes being a drama queen infront of his mums eyes and doesnt give one crap about wat hes doing. Im still in shock how this person changed instantly.. I feel like hes addicted now. One things clear as much as i want to and hope this neva happened.. But i kno i have to be smart and forget him bcos he will neva change! unbelievable a person like that turned out to be like this.. And hes also using my reasoning and putting it bak on me for xample he said "ur the one who doesnt want to be with me".. he never sais it from his side. has anyone experianced this b4? he loves the brothels now.. and he keeps saying he didnt have sex.. he had other things done from her.. Im deeply heartbroken & angry & upset Link to post Share on other sites
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