Partner slept with prostitutes. Help!

[ashley1992]

Thanks clockwork. Yes still til this day said he didnt have sex and i can see he lied. still in shock and i cant believe he thinks its nothing. No remorse or a genuine sorry.. I rekon hes emotionally attached as well as physically.. He said "shes so great to tlk to" and upon checking phone bills i could see that he had called that same place regulalry... Perhaps to see if shes working? I cant wait to be over this.. Its eating my mind and i feel like im going insane while hes probli having fun

[ashley1992]

Hello Everyone,

 

As per previous post; I had been in a 6 year relationship and lived together for 3 years. Everything was going just fine.. until one night he went to a brothel!

 

Long story short, I found out about more occasions he had gone to have 'sex' with prostitutes/hookers during March 2016! (till this day he said he never had sex- mind you paying upwards of $1000 for 2 hours - as i found out on bank statements)

 

Anyways, this all happened in March 2016. Just this past week I have sold everything in the house and moved back in with my family. Big change for me, my whole life has turned around! I have changed my number and now on the road to recovery from the brutal stabbing to my heart.

 

My post is regarding the change in behavior which I cannot understand. He was the most respectful, caring, loving and kind man in the world (to me). For example, he would stay home to look after me if I had the flu and leaving his big workload behind.

 

After the incidents in March, he became cold, distant, arrogant, rude, disrespectful, had no considerations for my hurt/crying, he didn't even give a care in the world, he didn't even really try to apologize genuinely.

 

I remember him saying that the first prostitute 'was great to talk to and was hot'... and after checking phone bills.. I have seen that he had called the place several times.. perhaps to see if she was working? I'm starting to think that perhaps, he is attached physically as well as emotionally? From noticing how he changed... the only thing comes to mind is that he might 'like' her? Is this common for a man to have feelings during such experience? We had a lovely home, his parents and I were closer than most family and everything was going great! He just doesn't care anymore.. I'm struggling to understand how he changed overnight.. the person I knew I feel as though has 'died' and 'cease to exist anymore'... any advice is appreciated. thank you

[Phoenician]

Ashley ,

 

I am sorry for you , and sorry for the pain you are going through !

 

I would assume he was a great person , not a cheater under cover ; still ,

yes , people change suddenly due to many reasons.

 

I can be frank with myself and say I can be one of them ; i.e I was during a certain period of time very close to do something similar ...even worse ; mind you that I am married , Have three kids , and was faithfull for 18 years to my wife .

 

In my case , The idea of being rejected sexually from my wife killed me ...

 

The healing process started for me when I started to consider reality and not build resentment over it , simply my wife is low desire who coukld be satisfied with few encounters per month ; while I am a high desire person .

 

 

I am just trying to tell you that though everything sometimes seemed perfect ; certain people just shutdown their system and try to catch a new life , irrespective of consequences .

 

How old is he ?

did he suffer any illness / depression prioir to that ?

 

 

good luck .

[ashley1992]

Hi Phoenician!

 

Thanks so much for your post! We are both 24 years old. There had been no problems in any aspect of our lives and Im sure of that! Its just that one night him and 3 boys decided to go out to a brothel (it wasn't planned - just out of the blue). I guess he liked it? and then continuted to go and we continued to argue like world war 3! and then it all got worse.. because i found out he kept going and then coming back home to me.. as i said all during March. Now i know, he went back to smoking, drinking most nights and i believe back to gambling..

 

when i found out he didnt even care he actually told me off! I just cannot believe how he changed all of a sudden

[Phoenician]

Hi Phoenician!

 

Thanks so much for your post! We are both 24 years old. There had been no problems in any aspect of our lives and Im sure of that! Its just that one night him and 3 boys decided to go out to a brothel (it wasn't planned - just out of the blue). I guess he liked it? and then continuted to go and we continued to argue like world war 3! and then it all got worse.. because i found out he kept going and then coming back home to me.. as i said all during March. Now i know, he went back to smoking, drinking most nights and i believe back to gambling..

 

when i found out he didnt even care he actually told me off! I just cannot believe how he changed all of a sudden

 

There must be a loop hole in his personality somewhere .

 

Sorry to ask , not all ppl have normal desires; like I have never had a BJ in my life ;some other people won't even care if they don't get it , in my case

it hurts me a lot ,

 

I cannt blame my wife too , otherwise i will be resentfull.

 

did he have unmet desires ? ( sorry don't missunderstand me , I am trying to analyze , not putting any blame on u ).

[ashley1992]

thats okay! and no the intimacy part of our lives were great! as i have realised all this has nothing to do with me.. he chose to do all this and its on him.. however i just dont get how he doesnt have a care in the world. its killing me.. as per the previous post.. the brothels and prostitutes give u almost everything.. e.g sex.. kissing.. cuddling.. all of the above. so he probly can recover from us not being together.. as for me im struggling with loosing my house and the relationship

[elaine567]

There just may be the possibility that visiting brothels, drinking and gambling was who he always was, before he met you.

He put it all on hold until his attention span waned, or his need was kickstarted again by that random visit and he went back to his roots...

 

OR there is also the possibility that he was always visiting brothels and just got careless in March and you found out...

 

OR he wanted you to find out, as he thought he could convince you to put up with it, and he could have both openly...

[ashley1992]

Hi Elaine

 

I truely believe none of the above options.. i knew he had a gambling issue and liked to drink alot... but i highly doubt he had visited brothels before. I think if he had gone before he would have reacted like this prior. But in my heart i highly doubt it. I really think it began just recently, after the 1st time he went with drunk friends and then liking it. my concern is that he is attached to all this and perhaps is a regular at the brothel? its killing me to think about it all.. someone who i could have married.. by the way i met him when he was 17 and we had been together since.... and 24 now

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi Elaine

 

I truely believe none of the above options.. i knew he had a gambling issue and liked to drink alot... but i highly doubt he had visited brothels before. I think if he had gone before he would have reacted like this prior. But in my heart i highly doubt it. I really think it began just recently, after the 1st time he went with drunk friends and then liking it. my concern is that he is attached to all this and perhaps is a regular at the brothel? its killing me to think about it all.. someone who i could have married.. by the way i met him when he was 17 and we had been together since.... and 24 now

 

It sounds likely, given how often he called and how much money he spent.

 

Be grateful you found all this out before marrying him. He's not the man you fell in love with.

 

If you haven't yet, get yourself to a doctor immediately to get a full STI panel and HIV test. And keep this man out of your life forever.

[Zahara]

its killing me to think about it all.. someone who i could have married..

 

Yes, then you should look at this as a blessing. Granted it is painful but you'll start to see what a huge bullet you dodged because if you had not been privy to his activities, things would and could be far, far worse than the situation and pain you are feeling now.

 

And no, he didn't change overnight. This is who he is. He has an addictive personality. This is his core nature -- alongside with gambling and alcohol, he's now picked a new vice -- prostitutes/brothels.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Zahara

[Space Ritual]

[]

 

You know what Ashley,

 

You had a lot of people lending a lot of support for you and your situation, myself included.

 

Lo and behold I see your post on another thread today advising a cheater not to tell, as you you yourself cheated on your boyfriend of three years and never told and it was fine by you because you found out your boyfriend cheated on you so it was all Even Steven...

 

So I assume that this guy you cheated on previously was this same guy who is the subject of the thread? Is that correct?

 

[]

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/577301-cheated-boyfriend-terrified-2.html#post6871653

 

So perhaps you can explain this all to the people who lent you 6 pages of support so they don't feel duped.

Edited April 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted quote of original post and off-topic commentary ~6

[elaine567]

In her defence, Ashley slept with another guy when she and her bf were on a break, which is hardly the same as him visiting brothels during their relationship..

[ashley1992]

[]

 

You know what Ashley,

 

You had a lot of people lending a lot of support for you and your situation, myself included.

 

Lo and behold I see your post on another thread today advising a cheater not to tell, as you you yourself cheated on your boyfriend of three years and never told and it was fine by you because you found out your boyfriend cheated on you so it was all Even Steven...

 

So I assume that this guy you cheated on previously was this same guy who is the subject of the thread? Is that correct?

 

[]

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/577301-cheated-boyfriend-terrified-2.html#post6871653

 

So perhaps you can explain this all to the people who lent you 6 pages of support so they don't feel duped.

 

Hi thanks for your comment & help. & yes i had sex with another guy while we were on a break! I NEVER did anything like that while being commited. Unlike him.. visiting multiple brothels & coming home & being intimate with me..

 

Also thanks elaine for ur comment

[Space Ritual]

Don't thank me. I was just pointing out the obvious.

[ashley1992]

Don't thank me. I was just pointing out the obvious.

 

 

Whats the obvious?

[ashley1992]

Hi guys I'm going insane!!

 

I just found out he checked into a hotel last night with one other person and checked out this morn!!! I can't believe all this! wats happening?? I can't believe this guy! Some help please! I just called my mum crying!!

[CarrieT]

How are you finding out these things?

 

If you have 100% blocked him from all social media, you shouldn't know what he's up to.

 

If friends are telling you, then it is your responsibility to say, "Please don't tell me what he is doing."

[ashley1992]

it's my fault... I looked at the email! I know I shouldn't have... To be honest I was looking to see if he had sent the form to disconnect the Internet as I have moved... but it's all my fault for looking.. And there it was a document on the invoice for $500 room .. I can't believe he's doing all thisssss... he actually doesn't give a crap about me & I did nothing... As per my post yesterday I had a feeling he had changed and had some feelings for someone else perhaps the hooker? so today I guess it kinda was true.. I don't know why I'm crying so much..

Edited April 19, 2016 by ashley1992

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop making this worse for yourself - no more email checks. Don't keep tabs on him whatsoever.

 

The only person you need to worry about now is you.

 

Make a doctor's appointment. It might not be a bad idea to see a counselor as well; you're dealing with some serious emotional turmoil.

[ashley1992]

I totally am! I don't know this all happened to me! And my family is getting a bit 'angry/upset' that they see me this way... I feel ashamed to be upset in front of them..because they knew me as a very strong person and now I'm sad lost weight and always crying in front of mum.. They are supportive but I get the vibe they think I should be stronger

[sandylee1]

If I remember rightly his mother didn't think it was such a big deal him going to prostitutes.... this alludes to the fact that he had this in him for some time. We are a product of our parents and we get many of our morals and values from them.

 

He didn't wake up one day and do this.. he just hid it very well. Even if he never went before the first time he would have thought and fantasised about it.

 

Lucky escape for you girl.

[ashley1992]

thnx sandylee1 for ur post. im not sure whether he had gone prior to all this. Its only been about 2 weeks & as above i found out hes been at a hotel with another person. In which he paid for the most expensive spa suit wich is made for couples.. like honeymoon night etc. i cant believe all this. its like he went and did all this & hes the one who doesnt care? he seems happy i guess.. & here i am going through counselling & barely eating & studying

[dreamingoftigers]

thnx sandylee1 for ur post. im not sure whether he had gone prior to all this. Its only been about 2 weeks & as above i found out hes been at a hotel with another person. In which he paid for the most expensive spa suit wich is made for couples.. like honeymoon night etc. i cant believe all this. its like he went and did all this & hes the one who doesnt care? he seems happy i guess.. & here i am going through counselling & barely eating & studying

 

I've always noticed guys process that stuff a little differently. They kind of close off. And just move along. Then they get emotional later on, sometimes it's like six months later.

 

I had an ex where things got rocky. I knew if I waited hevwiuld pop back around broken-hearted. Sure enough he did. But it wasn't worth it. He was still conflict-avoidant.

 

With your ex, he us going to probably "self-medicate" by doing the same dysfunctional crap he does, but in overdrive for a bit.

 

For example, if he drinks, he'll drink hard.

If he does drugs, he might overdose.

If he gambles, he'll lose a few paychecks and maybe get evicted.

 

You know he sleeps around: guess what, now he's banging in the honeymoon suite.

 

It IS NOT a reflection of you AT ALL.

 

It is a reflection of HOS DYSFUNCTION.

 

You are grieving. He's just trying to duck from his issues and ignore the fact that it cost him something.

 

He will probably be single for five minutes. Because that's what so many dysfunctional people do. They find the next target and love-bomb them. For that quick attachment and keep expecting it to be their answer. And it rarely is.

 

He will most likely cheat on the next one and the next one and the next. And will say stupid things like "we broke up because she was never happy with me / unpleasable." Instead of "yes, I cheated on this one and that one with hookers. It killed my relationships."

 

Because guys like him don't tend to be honest with themselves or others.

 

Worrying about what you meant to him will only bring you heartache. Frankly, he probably isn't emotionally cognizant enough to figure out what he lost, that he's trying to cope, that he's SCREWED-UP and that it actually is 100% his own fault. A lot of these guys just keep lusting after 'happiness' and whining when their wife or gf can't deliver it to them on a silver platter. Because actual confidence and happiness can't be gifted from someone else. This is 100% him dragging you into his dysfunctional inner issues.

 

The breakup was so that you wouldn't be ensnated by it anymore.

 

I'm guessing you were hoping that the loss of yiubwould somehow change him?

 

Because often it won't work that way. Guys who chaee every stupid impulse they have (no matter how self-destructive) generally have impulse-control and emotional issues. They don't tend to change until they realize THEY ARE THE ISSUE.

 

Right now he's trying to substitute you with whatever he can find. He doesn't care how stupid the choice is, because he doesn't realize it.

[dreamingoftigers]

thnx sandylee1 for ur post. im not sure whether he had gone prior to all this. Its only been about 2 weeks & as above i found out hes been at a hotel with another person. In which he paid for the most expensive spa suit wich is made for couples.. like honeymoon night etc. i cant believe all this. its like he went and did all this & hes the one who doesnt care? he seems happy i guess.. & here i am going through counselling & barely eating & studying

 

Breakups can really smack us down hard.

 

This sounds like your first major one too.

 

I'm sorry, but the only way out is THROUGH the grief, so don't fight it. It may be up and down for months. It's pretty crappy.

 

Don't put yourself through looking at any of his stuff etc or contacting him, it just fuels it all.

 

Part of your brain is still super-attached and looking for the lost stimuli (him) and the other part is trying to preserve you and get away.

unfortunately, cheating is also a trauma to you, which adds an extra layer of brain-bullshyte to your life. Because when you get traumatized, your brain sends off chemicals that act like both a pain-killer and a bonding agent. (Trauma Bonding)

 

So your brain keeps telling you to seek relief from the cheating arsehole (or abuser, same thing happens in abusive relationships).

 

This is why abusive relationships become so addicting Bd dependent to the victim. And often why their self-esteem is gutted. Or they even Stockholm and defend their abuser.

 

But you are smarter than the primal part of your brain driving you toward that. You can see you feel weakened and low. You just didn't know why.

 

You'll be okay as long as you stay away from that guy. I know it's super-hard. But you were smart enough to get out, you'll be tough enough to recover well. Even though it doesn't feel like it today.

[GR4]

I fear you're a lost cause to be honest. Why would you ever want anything to do with this guy again? If I were in your shoes I'd kick him to the curb and never ever have anything to do with him again.

 

And if you did indeed have sex with another guy then you're no better than him no matter what you tell yourself. If you were on a 'break' that doesn't matter unless you both explicitly agreed that you could sleep with other people. The fact that slept with a hooker and you slept with a guy that, I'm guessing, wasn't a hooker makes absolutely no difference no matter how much you try and tell yourself that it's different.

 

To all the people trying to give this girl help and advice, give up. She needs to help herself but somehow I don't think she will.