txgrl Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 (edited) Would you marry someone who you know / find out has knowingly been an OW/OM with a married partner ? I mean long term single OW/OM who knowingly got into affairs with married partners and stopped either because of dday or they got tired of the relationship dynamic or had a spiritual awakening or whatever . For whom it was 'true love' , who truly believed in getting together with their married partner eventually and who were as invested emotionally as physically ? I also don't mean married people who might have married their single APs, I mean other married people's OW/OM. There, how specific am I? Would you marry someone with the aforementioned history ? Edited March 25, 2016 by txgrl Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 It would depend on how that person has processed that experience and if they took it as a lesson learned and grew from it. I dated a guy who had been the OM to a married woman in his relationship prior to ours. I didn't judge him, I figured lots of people have made poor choices in their past including myself. However listening to him talk about it was a huge turn off. It was a mix of him feeling sorry for himself and blaming everyone else. His affair had been over for 2yrs when I met him and he was still wallowing in self pity and bitterness. I broke up with him after about 6 months for several reasons and his past affair was definitely one of them. Not because he had been involved in an affair but because he seemed to have learned nothing from it and was the perpetual victim while accepting no personal responsibility. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Ooh good question! I really don't know. We would have to talk about it enough for me to assess if he had learned how to respect marriage, and with the understanding that if he ever cheated on me, he would be out on his butt so fast his head would spin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Integrity is something I value greatly in a person. I doubt it very much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Depends what they thought. I don't think a past action is everything someone is 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Black and white response: no way no how no where. Can there be exceptions made? Not likely, but. Though if I found out she was an OW before I dated her I doubt I would ask her out. So I would most likely not get to proposing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Would you marry someone who you know / find out has knowingly been an OW/OM with a married partner ? I did. My H had been OM to his xBW initially. It so wasn't an issue to me. What was an issue was why he'd put up with her for so long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 At my age, in general, it's absolutely impossible to guarantee any sort of history as valid and accurate so I'd take what was in front of me and go with that. If someone disclosed past infidelities and wanted to discuss that, OK, we'd discuss it. Letting go of expectations makes for a much more peaceful life. If a particular person's presence brightens my day, I'm good with that. We could all be dead tomorrow. For a legal partnership, like a marriage, I'd presume we'd both have estate planning tools in place. I know I do. Life lessons from marriage and all that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I would have concerns about integrity, trust, and faithfulness so it's not likely. I wouldn't care though if it was out in the open like they were swingers or poly. For me integrity and trust are the big deals; more so than monogamy. I had an ex who was the OM to several women and that should have been a big red flag we were into totally different values around relationships and marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 If it was the first time and the person learned from their lesson, then i don't see why not. A cheater, i'd think twice, but the OW/OM ? It's easy to judge from afar and adopt an unwavering moral stand toward OM/OW, but when you are living the affair, you think a strong love is going to be born out of it... You have to make mistakes to learn from them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I won't ever marry again so no. However.. I know that my om and my husbands ow both married someone after our affairs. My guess is neither new spouse knew anything about the affairs. And in honesty... Why would they tell? Unless asked specifically.. Were you ever an om or ow? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 I had an ex who was the OM to several women and that should have been a big red flag we were into totally different values around relationships and marriage. I think that is it basically. If you* are person who doesn't really care about lying to and hurting others as long as your needs are being met, as long as your ego is being stroked, then it doesn't bode well for anyone entering into a relationship with you. OWs/OMs like to play the victim a lot, but they did know exactly what they were getting into. *generic you 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 25, 2016 Author Share Posted March 25, 2016 That is my question . If you did know somehow about this part of their history , would you still go ahead with marriage or would that be an absolute dealbreaker for you ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 Honestly.. It would not matter to me one way or the other. Nor would it matter if someone had cheated in their past.... But I guess you don't really know how you will react unless you are in the situation. If I fell in love with someone.. I am not sure past mistakes would dictate whether or not I would marry them. And I would never ask someone I was interested in have you cheated... Were you a om? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 25, 2016 Share Posted March 25, 2016 If I add in EA's, which a lot of MW's I've had contact with don't count as affairs, I've known, personally, dozens of women who've disclosed infidelities, enough that it's practically normal. It's also no surprise they're either married or quickly and easily replace partners or spouses. If one is in demand, inconveniences like infidelity are apparently less important than other factors, meaning the guys really don't care or don't know; could be either. Anyway, if I didn't marry them, some other guy would so, for them, whoopie if I'm all righteous. They don't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 With anything, it's about who they are now, how they process it, what they've learned etc. If someone molested a child in the past, absolutely not, I couldn't get past it or feel comfortable marrying or having kids with them. If 2 consenting adults had an affair in the past, it's not an instant deal breaker, it would more so be about is this a pattern, what did they learn, who are they now etc. I would also be more willing to trust the OM than the MM cheating on his spouse personally. I would find it easier to get past a bf being with a MW in the past than a bf having been married and having an ongoing affair in the past. But ultimately, there are many variables and the most important would be how they've processed it and where they are today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Can I respectfully ask why there are so many posts about OW OM in the General Relationship forum when there's a specific one for that? I am very open minded but here's one thing I am against and I don't enjoy seeing posts about it when I come to this sub-forum. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Yes, I'd marry such a person if they'd had a spiritual awakening and changed their ways. Link to post Share on other sites
inthevalle Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 I would feel more secure marrying someone who knew they were not invulnerable, who had done the personal work required to be humble, careful, and shore up good boundaries, etc. than I would marrying someone who pridefully assumed they were above any and all temptation. Of course, I would prefer to be with someone who had NOT been involved in infidelity. But a person who has bettered themselves, learned from their bad choices, and understands why boundaries are important would be a better bet IMO than someone who has placed themselves on an untouchable pedestal. As the verse goes: pride goes before the fall 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Can I respectfully ask why there are so many posts about OW OM in the General Relationship forum when there's a specific one for that? I am very open minded but here's one thing I am against and I don't enjoy seeing posts about it when I come to this sub-forum. the moderators tend to move things to the general forum when a thread is a general question rather than a specific incident. For example....if you start a thread about infidelity....but it is not about YOUR current infidelity.....they will move the thread to general. I am assuming the same goes for threads about OM and OW that are not specific cases. I am not a moderator...but i have been here a while and this seems to be the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Before I was in an affair, I used to be very critical and judgmental of people who had affairs. I was very proud of having never cheated. Ever. It's true that my AP lied to me about her marital status in order to get me involved with her. It's also true that I chose to go back after a period of separation. Having experienced that, I know things happen. We can be deceived, get caught up in our emotions and continue bad situations. If I would meet somebody, I would hope they could take the totality of my past into account but, most importantly, consider the man I am today. Likewise, I hope that I would give someone else the same consideration. The same benefit of doubt. I've learned that none of us are perfect and we all have things we could have done better. Things we can still learn and grow from. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 Would you marry someone who you know / find out has knowingly been an OW/OM with a married partner ? No........ Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 (edited) Yeah I kind of get it... but I don't like the idea of people who cheat when married and it triggers a super bad feeling in me... I wish this stayed in the right sub-forum so I didn't have to see it when I came here for General advice :/ Oh well. Edit: only saw moderators' comment after posting this. the moderators tend to move things to the general forum when a thread is a general question rather than a specific incident. For example....if you start a thread about infidelity....but it is not about YOUR current infidelity.....they will move the thread to general. I am assuming the same goes for threads about OM and OW that are not specific cases. I am not a moderator...but i have been here a while and this seems to be the case. Edited March 26, 2016 by edgygirl Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 I wouldd not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giggle Posted March 26, 2016 Share Posted March 26, 2016 It's a totally personal thing. There are ow who have very specifically gone after a married man. They have no respect for any relationship, just want that guy. There are those who were chased by a married man and view it as the married man choosing to step out and that's on him. There are those who were told lies about the married man's relationship status and are in love when they find out. That is not something I would count as a deal breaker..without finding out more. Link to post Share on other sites
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