Would you marry an OW/OM?

[txgrl]

Thank you for all the comments so far .

[Zenstudent]

Would you marry someone who you know / find out has knowingly been an OW/OM with a married partner ?

 

No, I wouldn't. Same goes for divorced WS.

 

I prefer to surround myself with people who honor commitments and agreements and respect me as a person. And I wouldn't be comfortable or feel just a bit safe with a person who is known to have no problems stabbing her own partners or her former boyfriends partner in the back.

 

For me to take that chance with an OW or fCW... It would be a requirement that the person had truly changed. I believe that people change, it does happen, but a radical change in core beliefs is rare - in my experience.

 

"Everyone does it...." I think a lot of people, nearly half it seems, do not consider fidelity important in relationships these days, so finding a likeminded shouldn't be that hard, i guess.

 

But isn't it a hypothetical question - who would share this information on a date, if it wasn't known in public?

[SolG]

But isn't it a hypothetical question - who would share this information on a date, if it wasn't known in public?

 

A couple of folk on this thread have asked this question. And to answer... I would absolutely share that information if I got to a point where the possibility of a R was on the table. Just as I would share about any of my past Rs and the way those experiences have shaped who I am. And actually probably moreso the fact that I have been an OW because people do have strong views about it. To withhold this type of information from a potential partner is IMO tantamount to deceit as worst, and a withholding of self and intimacy at best. So really no upside :-/

 

And it's not about disclosure 'before someone else tells'. It's about the fundamental principle that a potential partner should know who you are. If rejection is the outcome then good! Better to know early if we're not right for one another.

Edited March 29, 2016 by SolG

[txgrl]

I'd asked on my earlier thread about marrying someone with a history of cheating so I got curious and asked if people would marry someone who has been in an A with a married person .

For both threads , the assumption is that you somehow already knew .

To answer your question , personally if I ever got into a serious relationship ever again where the other person could remotely think of marriage , I would disclose my cheating past right away .

[wmacbride]

If I ever end up in a position where I am ot married and am reentering the dating world, whether or not I would marry or even date someone who was knowingly an om at some point depends on how they viewed the situation.

 

If they took ownership of it, had learned from it, and hadn't ever done it again,I might consider dating them.

 

If they blamed anyone and everyone else for getting involved with a mw, then no, I wouldn't even date them, as this would show an immature mind set and zero understanding of personal responsibility.

[MJJean]

I married an OM. He had a ONS with a much older married woman when he was 17 and was involved in a FWB thing with an age appropriate married woman when he was in his early 20's. He then became involved with me at 24. I was married at the time.

 

His first married WS was in a position of authority, he was an immature 17 year old virgin who was an emotional wreck.

 

His second WS was, and still is as far as I know, in an "it's complicated" marriage. Basically, she is a bisexual former sex worker and her H is an official unofficial cuckold. Meaning, the WS regularly had sex with various men and women and her H got off on it. He just didn't get off on it if there was express permission, even though he'd given permission, if that makes any sense.

 

I was in a complete sham marriage. Married exH at 19 solely due to the birth of a child. Casual sex gone wrong due to a birth control pill failure. Multiple infidelities on both sides, abuse (physical and emotional), along with a host of other problems. My exH and I not only didn't love each other, we didn't even like each other.

 

My now DH and I had intense chemsitry physically and mentally, but he was uncomfortable with my marital status and didn't want to risk getting involved and being hurt nor did he want to "steal" a wife and kids from another man. Once he'd spent some time around my friends and home, once he knew that A) I was seriously in love with him after a mere few weeks knowing him and B) my ex and I loathed each other and at best functioned like extremely hostile roommates, he was ok with proceeding with a relationship.

 

A few weeks after we started dating, I ended the marriage and we've been together ever since. 16 years now. I don't hold his young and stupid against him and he doesn't hold my young and stupid against me.

[dichotomy]

I unknowingly did so. I did not find out till after we married. It was devastating. So many lies and betrayals.

[MJJean]

I unknowingly did so. I did not find out till after we married. It was devastating. So many lies and betrayals.

 

Just curious, but did you specifically ask about her relationship and sexual partner history before you married and she lied to you or was this one of those things that you never really talked about and then got a shock after marrying?

[dichotomy]

Just curious, but did you specifically ask about her relationship and sexual partner history before you married and she lied to you or was this one of those things that you never really talked about and then got a shock after marrying?

 

 

Generally speaking I did not at the time ask for a sexual history list during our dating... I dont want numbers and details ....but we did talk about our previous marriage (we had each been married once) and i did ask in general terms about her dating and BF's after her divorce. She flat out lied or withheld any information. And honestly how would I have even known to ask "hey you ever messed around with a married person?"

 

She even had me meet with some her "guy friends" when we were dating - I asked "where you involved with that guy? I sense something" Again she lied. One of those "male friends" I met with when dating her ...was her MM.

 

Funny thing is - all those men - including the married ones she was with at the time she was single - she was very honest with all of them about her relationships with others. Very open book with all of them. When she met me she decided I was the perfect man for her.. so she decided to hide and lie about everything? WTF ? I am the only man she has ever lied to.

 

Its been a long time now ago since this all happened and was revealed - but the damage is done, even if somethings are better now in our marriage.

Edited March 29, 2016 by dichotomy

[Liam1]

Would you marry someone who you know / find out has knowingly been an OW/OM with a married partner ? I mean long term single OW/OM who knowingly got into affairs with married partners and stopped either because of dday or they got tired of the relationship dynamic or had a spiritual awakening or whatever . For whom it was 'true love' , who truly believed in getting together with their married partner eventually and who were as invested emotionally as physically ?

I also don't mean married people who might have married their single APs, I mean other married people's OW/OM.

There, how specific am I?

 

Would you marry someone with the aforementioned history ?

 

Yes, if I were single, I would marry someone who had infidelity in their history.

 

All that would matter to me is how they treat me on a regular basis.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work, and two to make it fail.

 

There are likely a few psychopaths or sociopaths who cheat on a spouse for absolutely no reason, but I think most people who cheat in a relationship have a reason.

 

In a dating relationship, unless the couple has agreed to be exclusive, I don't consider dating more than one person to be cheating.

[txgrl]

Liam 1, that's brave of you .

 

Dichotomy , I'm sorry , I didn't know your story .