Ex Fiance

[zack121]

Hey there all.

 

Have read a few posts, and wanted to get some incite to what I have been going through. I hope it does not come across to negative, but I feel that I am dealing with allot of issues at once.

 

I was dating a girl for for 3 years, I thought it was a wonderful relationship, sure we had our problems like everybody else, but on the whole it was fine. then one night out of the blue a phone call comes from her ex BF's mother saying that her son is depressed and wants to talk to her.. I was in the room, and overheard her reply I am with somebody and happy.. (which made me feel good) it was all done politely etc.

 

Then 1 month later she breaks up with me, she comes over to my place I ask if they is anybody else, and she says there's not, but I do get some response about me "not being able to give her what she needs". I do a massive amount of thinking about myself and how I was with her, i was so upset, as I truly loved this girl. I went into all the normal things people do, depression/insecure/panic/grieve/anger/sadness the whole nine yards. I sat back and thought that I wanted to get her back... I did the chase..

 

During our separation, i tried to improve myself, I began seeing a counsellor (for some of my imperfections - nothing major! ) took up meditation, refused to take work home. long story short, we get back together.

 

I was so wrapped that I began to be a bit of a doormat, friends observed that I would go to any length to please this girl, I felt bad and wanted her to be happy, so I was willing to sacrifice something’s if it meant being with her.

 

OK, this is where things go off the tracks, when we got back together she wanted to have sex really quickly, but because we had been apart I was not so interested in getting back into a sexual relationship so soon, I thought that we could ease into it again, build the trust, mend the break etc.

 

anyway.. that did not work out, we had sex, straight after we had sex she told me that she had been in contact with her ex BF, I guess I am the jealous type (i wish I was not, and will say this - no one owns anybody ever), so I went down the whole did you sleep with him routine.

 

She basically told me that she had no sexual contact with him, and that he only came over to her house 1 night for what she told me was "closure" (mind you she had not seen him in over 3 years) she even swore on her grandmothers life. I asked how she got in contact with him, and was told she read about him in the local newspaper and was going to be a character witness if it went to court (some minor thing).

 

I was so madly in love with her that I believed it, over the next few weeks, he would contact her, and I asked her to let me know when he did, just so I could be informed and know what was going on.

 

this went on for a few more weeks, I did not want to rock the boat, but I asked her straight out if she wanted to be with me or with him, as I feel uncomfortable with her ex on the scene in any form be it friendship or more. I was told that she wanted to be with me and that it was an easy decision to make, and given reasons why which included that he partied to much etc. and that we are complimentary to each other.

 

Fair enough was my reaction. So I left it alone, must admit it was in the back of my mind for sometime.

 

The next year was ok, but me basically trying to please her all the time, my life became hers. I figured that this was normal, and that over time things would be better balanced and we would just be how we were when we first met. on our 5th year together I proposed and we had an nice engagement, we looked at buying a house (we actually owned one for 20 mins before the real estate agent tried to get another couple to outbid us) which they did.

 

ok. coming to the end now.

 

Again out of the blue, a phone call was made, to her, and the person on the other end, basically said, this is what she told me he said. "You know who this is", I heard her mention her brothers name, and then she then asked who is this, this went on for 1 minute ir so, and she gave me the phone, I basically said to this guy "who the f**^ is this" and he hang-up, I did not hang-up the phone as I was waiting for him to try and ring out again and the line would still be open, she started to scream at me to hang the phone up, she even said that it was her phone and she wanted it hung up. During the yelling, I lost my composure, and lobed the phone over the room, it was not thrown at anything it did not break, not did it hit anything, but she then went nuts about me trying to break the phone.

 

Not true as if that was my intention I would have (plus I bought the dam thing anyway - why break it). those next two weeks were the worst to weeks of my life (so I felt), we basically stopped telling each other that the "I love yous".. which we both did everyday for almost 6 years, we bickered about nothing, and did not have many outings together or even engage in any sexually activity.

 

The night the actual break-up happened, she was in a quite mood, not talking and I guess I was doing the same. I said to her "That you don't want me here do you" and she replied "what makes you think that", I said "Just a feeling". there was a moments pause and she then said, "you don't want to be here do you" and because of us both being childish about things I said basically the same thing she said which was "what makes YOU think that", and yes she then went on to say "just a feeling", I was mad and just stormed out of the house to go for a drive to collect my thoughts. I drove around for a while trying to think about what was happening.

 

I went to my mothers house to call her, I was actually quite angry as things had built up in my mind, I could not understand what was happening to us, I reflected on the past two weeks, which was not good. but called her, I will freely admit that I was not overly pleasant on the phone, and said that I would be over there in 10 minutes to work this out once and for all.

 

I went over and she was sitting down, on the sofa, We both tried to talk, to each other, I tried to hold her hand, and cuddle her but she was reluctant, and told me that she wanted me to make a decision. I was not smart and did not ask specifically what decision she required me to make, she then went on to say that there were to many broken promises, and that she had given up on me – my mind was blank totally, I was then told she had been unhappy for 12 months, note: we were engaged for only nine months, she took the engagement ring off and held it, she had to work early the next day, and because of the current critical time, it seemed the best thing to do was leave I went to my mothers that night but could not sleep, I wanted to be with her, and my mind was going over everything that was spoken about. I went back later in the night around 1:00am, as I entered I noticed two things, 1 the engagement ring was on the table and two the base station phone was on the table and off the hook, I picked the phone up and just as I did this she came out of the bedroom, I asked why the phone was off the hook, and was told because she did not want me to ring her, she then made a statement of me being there and thought that that she was surprised that I was not checking up to see if another guy was there, which at this point was the farthest thing from my mind (at that point anyway) she then sat down and in tears told me that she had not made a decision, but I new that she had, and she started to cry, not sobbing, but you could see it in her eyes tears welled up, I am the first to admit I don’t cry easily, but this made me.

 

She told me that she loved me, but could not be with me, and that things would not change unless she changed them and that love dies and that all the things she said was then and not know. I then asked if this had something to do with the mystery phone call, and she said, I wondered when this would come up. I tried to justify the statement by saying that it seems a little coincidental that you get a call and two weeks later we are breaking up don’t you think. I asked for the truth, and said that is all I have ever wanted from anybody in my life. She then went on to say how petrified off me she was, I have no idea why I have never done anything to deserve being scared off, but I guess that fuelled my paranoia that I was being dumped for somebody else, I said only people who have done something wrong are scared, honest people don’t feel fear, I again asked her if there was anybody else, again she swore on her grandmothers live etc we had a house saving account that we both contributed to, and she asked if she could have her money back and when, I was in such shock, that I was not thinking about anything accept losing the girl I had planned to marry she went on to say that it was the “right” thing to do. I agreed but felt like I was being conned and said I’d get it to in the next few days. She was insistent that it be asap. I grabbed the ring, and said are you sure and then she grabbed the ring.

 

It was an emotional moment and we were both acting a little weird, I walked out and drove back to my mothers. I did not sleep at all that night it was late anyway, I waited and thought, and decided to ring her best friend, and ask her advice and if she new that my ex was so unhappy, she confirmed that she new nothing of this, and that she saw her a week ago, and that she professed her love for me to her. I asked her to find out what was going on.

 

That was a long day for me. I rang her friend back later that night, and was told that she was staying at a “friends” house, and that she told her friend that she did not know why she was breaking up with me, and that she should not tell me this. I freaked out, things did not sit well. I decided to let things cool off, or to have some space, and that we would both calm down, curiosity got the better off me, and on the second night I drove by her house early in the morning (2 days after the last contact) and her car was not there, on the third day, she rang me, and demanded the money back, and told me she would get the cops or her dad to get it off me, I said I want to work it out, and she was militant and told me she did not want to, I asked if I could come over to talk, and she told me that would be all right but to bring them money. I went over I excepted the worst, I even imagined her dad or another guy to be there, I walked in and tried to explain that this is a mistake, but was berated with insults in the form off I feel better without you, I want someone with less “hang-ups” (what ever that meant), and that I was not meeting her emotional needs (all news to me- I am male but not totally ignorant), she was tired of putting in 110%, I said try and let a guy down nice would you, and she with a tone said this is nice.

 

She was very fidgety and moving from room to room, doing one thing like washing the dishes, then moving when I came closer and then watching TV and changing the channel all the time, she had to go out that night (I new this already), I tried to hold her and tell her how much she means to me, but was rejected and told that it would be unfair on me. She went into her room, and I followed, she was changing to get ready to go out with her best friend (the one I called a few days earlier), she asked me to leave while she changed, and I did, my head was spinning, and I was trying to keep calm, I tried to enter the room, but clearly she did not want me to see her change, I walked out to the lounge, she came out and gave me all my stuff, and put her hand out for the money, as she gave me the ring. I was talking, and she went in to do her hair. I totally freaked out, and grabbed the stuff and took off (silly thing to do when you have 5k in your bag) I drove to a friends place, and asked him what I should do, we both agreed that being a d**khead and not giving back what was hers was plan stupid, I rang her friend up and asked to again what was going on, she said she’d fine out for me tonight.

 

Well folks, I went back to my mothers house feeling stupid and hurt and bewildered

 

A phone call came though, and her friend said she had just left her house, I told this friend that I had not given then money back and that I did not want to be influenced by what she said, and that I would call her back, 10 minutes later she turned up at my doorstep, I gave her the money and apologized for driving away, and that I loved her, but was met with too little too late. I rang the friend and was down and squashed, the friend reassured me that they was no other guy and that she just needs some space, she asked how long we broke up for last time, and that she would need all that time again to figure out things, her friend then went on to say that last time we broke up, she (my ex) just worked and went away with her family on the weekends. It did not seem odd at the time (as nothing really registers) but looking back on it, it seems to me that she told me something that I never asked her for, and that it almost appeared to be scripted, her friend said that shed put in a good word for me, and ring me when she new anything.

 

That weekend she had planned to visit her relatives 4 hours away, so I just waited out the weekend. I was hoping her friend might ring me, but alas it did not happen. The following week, I hit the wall, and rang her got her voicemail, and said You win, I give up, I just need to get a few more things that our friends gave us at our engagement, and the certificate for the ring etc minor stuff, she rang me back ½ hour later and in no uncertain terms said that it was fine with her, and that she’d call my bluff. And an agreement was made where we could exchange certain items, she was very specific even down to the hubs caps from her car that was stored in my mother shed. This blew me away. After that phone call, I went outside, and decided to ring her, her phone was engaged, redial, redial, did this for 5 minutes, finally got thought and in a daze and confused state went DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME OR NOT, she said in an evil and harsh tone NO I DO NOT (I am such a sucker for this I wish I had not done it- it was stupid) but as everybody knows you do not think rationally.

 

I could not be there when she came for the things, so I left them in the carport, I went to my brothers all day, when I got back the things were gone. And my things were there minus some money and some gift certificates, or anything that we got as “house gifts”.

 

A few weeks go by, and because I gave no where else to stay I end up crashing at my mothers place, she new I would as I do allot of woodworking out of the shed on my mothers land. I get a note instructing me to drop of some other things that she had obviously overlooked the first time round, and had enclosed some token things of mine, like a 50cent shaving brush and some cd’s, the not basically read, just some tings I found around the house, can I have xyz and xyz back, no please or anything

 

I dropped them off.

 

Few weeks go by, no call from friend, nothing from ex, I take a walk, and she drives by she puts her hand up, I assume it was a wave, and I ring her and leave a message saying if she wanted to talk she knew she could. Nothing comes back.

 

Few more weeks go by, I am sad, and confused still. Blaming myself, wishing hoping. Trying to figure out where it all went wrong, I then remembered that we setup and online phone paying account, so I check it, LOW AND BEHOLD there is all these numbers she was calling, I check the dates and yes they started a few days after the mystery phone call. I notice one number in particular, rung everyday, several times each day, I get the calendar out and do a back track off what had happened of the past 6 weeks, and yes the night we broke up, she talked to him, before we had the initial “you don’t want me here bit” and then again after I left that night, and even then next morning. I could not believe it (although I should have trusted my guy instinct) its so hard when you want to believe in someone.

 

 

I realise that the game is up, and I have lost and that she has found somebody, what shocked me the most was it was her EX BF over 6 yrs ago, the same one that she gave closure too when we broke up the first time…. I almost died. I can accept not being with her, but to blatantly lie like this is just so cruel.

 

 

Months go by, and I have done nothing, not called, harassed anything, no nasty words nothing. I write a brief letter stating that I don’t want to get back with her but would like to know if she thought it was handled the correct way and that perhaps he is better suited to her, it was all very nice and adult, and I guess I just wanted to end up with some closure and respect (she had no idea I new it was her EX and I did not mention it), a week goes by, and nothing, my friend rings her and asks her some things, I did not know he did this, but he could see how upset I still was, even though I had started to rebuild my life, new job, new friends, getting out and about.

 

He relayed this to me about 3 weeks later, that he had spoken to her, and that she had been friendly and normal, and not upset or anything, and that she said she still had love in her heart and that she thought were were just not good together, he asked if there was another guy, and she said there was, he asked if it was XYZ (ex BF) and she denied it.

 

He asked her just to write to me for closure and just be honest and all that, she said she would think about it, but did not really want to encourage me.

 

I got nothing. And never will. I did run into her a few weeks later, and she totally snubbed me, and tried to get her back to me as much as possible, I walked past her, as she did me, I did not look back and have to assume she did not either. That really hurt me. I had done nothing wrong, I had given all that she had asked me to do. Without saying anything bad about her or to her or anybody for that matter.

 

I started to see a counsellor about what I was going through, as I felt ashamed and embarrassed and could not believe that she did not have any guilt or any feelings towards me, it was like a light switch had been turned off , I doubt she even thinks about me now, and why should she, she has a new love interest etc . somebody to lean on. Part of me hopes she’s happy but I must confess I feel ripped off.

 

Many things go through your mind, when this happens, many unanswered things, things that I wanted he to “man up” and just say, but I’ll never get them.

 

I don’t want to cry poor as it was a fairly clean break (minus and explanation) no children/houses involved and many people have endured far worst than me..

 

I’d like to know peoples thoughts on this. I am not perfect, I have some issues, and probably am not the easiest person to live with (especially when I had the high stress job – which is gone now)

 

Does this stuff happen overnight, was she two timing me, can you have a lie for say two years. If she was so unhappy why not say something. I had never been criticized about the things she said to me during the break-up before. Do you think she feels guilty, why do this so dishonesty, it only made it worst for me She had the same thing happen to her but still she choose to do it to me.

 

Have I done anything wrong? How do I now get self esteem back, closure within myself, answers answered. I believe I acted with integrity and honour and with respect, but feel that I was not shown the same curtesy, I am afraid to run into her, even thought I have done nothing wrong. Do you think her best friend new?

 

Can any females shed any incite into what may have happened, I did read men are from mars women are from venus

 

I realise that it’s a cruel world and that s&&t happens, but after 6 years, just a total nothing, does not seem correct to me, but then again correctness is subjective anyway.

 

thanks in advance

 

Any comments welcome.

Any questions welcome too.

[billybadass36]

I read this whole thing, and that's a lot. I've never been with anyone for 6 years so I have really nothing to add except I think she was two timing you. I really think that the person you were with for 6 years just vanished when this new guy came into the picture. The way she treated you was pretty foul. Nobody will likely have any answers for you, but be glad she pulled this stuff now instead of 5-10 years from now when you had a house, kids, etc. Try to be thankful for that.

[PrincessMe]

Most women would just die to have a man as committed ans loving as you sound.

 

 

Pain does and will heal. Be strong.

 

Don't let that bad expierience ruin all the potential good ones to come.

 

Out of sorrow comes strength

 

Good luck to you

[miss fortune]

So in theory, she went back with her ex. whos to say history wont repeat itself and you'll find her on your doorstep? What would you do then?

[zack121]

thanks people.

 

To answer some of the things that were said. to those that responded.

 

I have no real idea that she was two timing me (It really appears to me that she did) for a couple of reason. Firstly I have read some stuff on the web about 28 signs of infidelity and a couple of them seemed to fit the mould, and secondly I ASKED for closure and GOT NADA!! And I am grateful no kids were involved

 

Thanks, for saying I sound loving and committed, I would like to say that I’m perfect, but honesty I am just like anybody else, I have faults and am far from perfect. I could list them all. But I have yet to meet anybody that does not have them (these imperfections) anyway.

 

And I doubt she will be on my door step as we both agreed that if we broke up next time it WOULD be for good, plus having run into her once and getting the response I got (snubbed) I doubt she will ever speak to me again, and even if she did, she would not want to because she would have to explain herself to me – I think she took the easy way out and just hopes we don’t run into each other (we both live in a small town) which is close to a larger town, I have seen her in her car a couple of times (small town) but not ever in the larger town.

 

How do you handle running into someone that has done this to you? Best to ignore her I have been told, but I really only want to know why she did this. I wonder if she feels and guilt, I doubt it.

 

Do I want to harm her, NO, I just would love some understanding on this matter really. I have been told that she does not owe me anything even CLOSURE, but frankly I think that after 6 years, I am at least owed the truth. She had lied to me before about things nothing major but now I doubt everything she said..

[nicki]

zack, you sound loyal and loving. i don't think you did anything wrong. please don't beat yourself up over her.

 

sometimes we have to give ourselves closure. i wish she had told you how much she had loved you, enjoyed the years you shared together....that she still found you attractive and fun to be with...that it wasn't your fault...

 

i wish she had been honest with you, but believe me, you don't want to hear the details, especially now...it won't change anything...let it go, let her go...something better must be coming your way...

 

by the way, some women will cheat no matter how wonderful their boyfriends are...and since you guys were together so long, maybe your relationship just ran its natural course...ex, or no ex...

 

when you see her around town, say hello, and keep walking...be civil, courteous, but brief...it's your town, too, after all...you have the right to be comfortable and friendly to everyone...she has no power over you...

 

Go out and date a bit. i bet a lot of women are happy you are finally single

[nicki]

Also, if she didn't come to you to talk to you about problems in your relationship, then she wasn't honest with you about the important stuff...any cheating could have been because she was avoiding doing this...again, not your fault...hers...

 

i'm sure she loved you and that it was real, not a lie....she was with you for many years...

[miss-gonewest]

No offence, that was a great post, but can you maybe give me a few bullet points on your story?

 

That is way too long for me to read through... I got lost about 2 paragraphs in.

 

The gist I got was: You were together for 5 years, then started having issues with her ex, broke up, kept sleeping together, had more issues... then I got lost..... until I gather the engagement was broken....

 

Its up to you if you want to repost but it'd help a lot if you could sumarise.

 

Cheers!

[zack121]

Originally posted by miss-gonewest

No offence, that was a great post, but can you maybe give me a few bullet points on your story?

 

That is way too long for me to read through... I got lost about 2 paragraphs in.

 

The gist I got was: You were together for 5 years, then started having issues with her ex, broke up, kept sleeping together, had more issues... then I got lost..... until I gather the engagement was broken....

 

Its up to you if you want to repost but it'd help a lot if you could sumarise.

 

Cheers!

 

(1) got together

(2) at the 3 year mark ex contacts her

(3) we break up - her call

(4) I chase and find out she was in contact with him during our time apart

(5) then 2 years later after getting engaged at the 5 year annivesary, another mystery phone call

(6) brokeup - her call again

(7) she is now with him (her ex of 6 years, or out from behind my back "cake and eat it too theory")

 

 

what bothered me was the insults that I had never been made aware of. it was almost jekell and hyde stuff

 

things such as, NO PARTICULAR ORDER HERE just comments (and will seem strange out of context if you dont read post)

 

I have given up on you.

I feel better off without you

I have love in my heart but we're not good together

I have to use my head and not my heart

I want someone with less hangups.

I dont want to end up hating you

things are'nt going to change unless I change them

you dont want to be with me, you just don't want to be alone

too many broken promises

to little to late

If been unhappy for 12 months

If been unhappy for 2 months

you just dont get it

I dont want to end up like you

I've put up with this $hit for 6 years

Its a matter of self preservation

its not that your a bad person, I just can't be with you

love dies

that was then this is now

you pushed me away

you took me for granted once to often

you dont even know what my favorite drink is?

there was never anytime for me

I don't want to fix things

I did not feel there was any future with you

time to move on while were still friends

I am glad he has moved on - friend called her to ask for closure.

I don't want to encouarge him - friend (same phone call)

 

I wish to say that some of these things I understand but the bulk IMHO is BS. or at the very least hazy/grey!

 

 

the things that intrige me are - was she two timing me after we broke up the first time?

how can someone go from loving you, to not loving you in a matter of weeks!, why give her ex ex closure and not me

why did she jump back to someone (her ex ex) so soon?, why can she not look at me and has to look away, why do I feel guilty? will we ever talk again? why be dishonest about things, she must know that I would have found out anyway because we live in a small town? does she think about me?, does she regret the way she handled the situation?, I made 4 initial attempts @ contact in the first few months to alow her time but got nothing. Am I dealing with someonme that has no remorse, could not care less? should I have arched up and spoken my mind, and not just do the "right" thing? does she miss/think of me? is she happy? we he look after her?

 

again just some things that I find hard to think about, and some things only she could tell me.

 

sounds very out of sorts in a summary version. but again my intial post was rather large. sorry I am going on now. but I still struggle with it, we had planned to have kids and was trying even up to the last month before the brake up?

 

am I a sucker, or just plain stupid, can people be be so calculating and evil.

[zack121]

Originally posted by nicki

zack, you sound loyal and loving. i don't think you did anything wrong. please don't beat yourself up over her.

 

sometimes we have to give ourselves closure. i wish she had told you how much she had loved you, enjoyed the years you shared together....that she still found you attractive and fun to be with...that it wasn't your fault...

 

i wish she had been honest with you, but believe me, you don't want to hear the details, especially now...it won't change anything...let it go, let her go...something better must be coming your way...

 

by the way, some women will cheat no matter how wonderful their boyfriends are...and since you guys were together so long, maybe your relationship just ran its natural course...ex, or no ex...

 

when you see her around town, say hello, and keep walking...be civil, courteous, but brief...it's your town, too, after all...you have the right to be comfortable and friendly to everyone...she has no power over you...

 

Go out and date a bit. i bet a lot of women are happy you are finally single

 

cheerrs nicki, yeah all good advice. but I still am coming to terms with it, I am trying to improve myself, before trying to replace her thats not the kind of guy I am, I don;t just run to another to get over someone else. I want the next one to be done right - honesty up front, no games and someone that can commicate , I have yet to master MIND

READING I hope it was not cheating but things look mighty suss and if somebody does not give you answers then it even makes things look worst! I always beleived the truth would set you free.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by PrincessMe

Most women would just die to have a man as committed ans loving as you sound.

 

Word. I think she didn't deserve you. The quotes make her sound quite selfish.

 

 

Originally posted by zack121

I have been told that she does not owe me anything even CLOSURE, but frankly I think that after 6 years, I am at least owed the truth. She had lied to me before about things nothing major but now I doubt everything she said..

 

I agree that she owes you this. I doubt you'll get it though.

 

 

Originally posted by nicki

by the way, some women will cheat no matter how wonderful their boyfriends are...and since you guys were together so long, maybe your relationship just ran its natural course...ex, or no ex...

 

Yup, some men and women just don't have the faithfulness thing. As another poster said, be glad you found out now - some people on this site find out after 20 years of marriage and kids.

[zack121]

the biggest insult was I had to change myself so much for you..... I never asked her to, nor wanted her to

[PrincessMe]

Hey hun some girls are just b****s and can't help it.

 

Please let yourself move on because by clinging to the pain a nd emotions of this maybe you're giving her or the situation uneeded thought and worry.

 

And NO not every woman is like that or will do those things. There are still nice and good women out there.

 

 

For the question of if she was cheating on you the whole time, I doubt it.

It sounds like there was alot of other things going on, Her ex contacting her may have just been the push that she needed to do what she was going to do anyway. I'm no expert it's just my theory.

 

You sound like a great guy and i'm sure you can put on a smile, you can find yourself somone wonderful, alot of women would just give anything to have a man like you. Moving on is the best thing instead of wasting time that you could be enjoying yourself or rebuilding your life.

[westernxer]

Bottom line: she never loved you as much as you loved her.

 

Those three years meant nothing. End of story, enough to fill a book -- which you've done, I must add.

 

Now's the time to close that book, since she didn't have the heart to do it. She'd rather break yours instead.

 

By the way, if she does write that closure letter, don't even read it. It's not going to make you feel any better. In fact, it may make you feel worse, especially if you wanted it work out.

 

It's a war, man. Don't show you're hurt... she's got you right where she wants you.

[thebigbluefairy]

Aww Zack,

 

I just want to wrap you in my arms and give you a great big kiss

 

She totally doesn't deserve you!!!

 

The problem with some women Zack, is that they want what they can't have or what's bad for them.

 

Its a weird world!

 

You sound like my ex, a non-agruementative type person? If two people are like that it can mean things are never discussed in depth and issues remain underlying.

 

The ex could be a trigger and thats all, she thinks she can change old/new issues by changing the person shes with?

 

If she really wanted to be with him and was so unhappy, why did this not happen sooner?

[zack121]

Thanks BBF

 

My umm thoughts on the matter are that she probally was with him while with me, he lives like 10-15 minutes away.. I had no idea, I feel like a complete sucker.. but I admitt I was to blame as well, I focused on work a lil but too much. But thats what I thought she wanted. plus I have many faults too.

 

I don't mind not being with her (well I kinda/sorta) do, but what really gets me fired up is the way in which it was done. I guess thats the way people do things, I feel in my heart that I would not do that, and I know I would never ever not tell them why, you also should know that, even weeks before THAT NIGHT, she was telling me, things like everythings good, I used to ask her almost everyday if she was happy, THAT NIGHT she even asked me what the last nice thing I did for her was, and I said picked you flowers. I'm still confused on the matter....

 

 

ironically, she used to say "oh I can be a b*tch", and I always said "No you can't" have to laugh (and cry) now!

also ironically enough, I had a female friend that she did'nt like, was kinda jelous of, and when we broke up the first time, and I asked her to not contact/or let me know if Ex was contacting her, I told her that I would also not contact THIS female friend as it would not be fair for me to ask this of her, and not do the same..

[Sparky]

LOL, HOLY SH*T!! Have you ever heard of "making a long story short"? I might get back to you on this one...

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hey Zack, how you feeling today?

 

Originally posted by zack121

My umm thoughts on the matter are that she probally was with him while with me, he lives like 10-15 minutes away.. I had no idea, I feel like a complete sucker.

 

My opinion is that she probably was genuinely with you most of the time. Just at the end she started cheating.

 

 

plus I have many faults too.

 

Which she is playing up to divert attention from her incredibly bad behaviour. Basically, she is selfish and callous, fancies a change of scene every couple of years and wants to blame it on other people.

 

 

I guess thats the way people do things, I feel in my heart that I would not do that

 

Not the way decent people do things. Don't stoop to her level.

[elp111]

Hey,

Just wanted to say you're not alone in your misery. My ex of 7.5 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. The only explanation I got was that he "just doesn't want to be with me right now."

 

After being with someone for so long, you expect a little more from them. People have told me to let it go, that he owes me nothing, and that what he's doing now is none of my business. But I disagree. After that amount of time with someone, someone you had planned on being with for the rest of your life, you deserve an explanation. You deserve closure. She owes you at least that.

 

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. But like you said, be thankful that you didn't end up marrying her. It would have been much worse.

[zack121]

Elp111,

 

I hear you, and am sorry to hear of your situation too. Lokos like we're both in the same boat. I wish I could offer someting, and totally agree with what you said, Perhaps some people can just like emotionally detach easier than others.

 

I am not sure how people do it, perhaps its a genetic, brain thing. don't know.

 

2 months, I was still in shock @ 2 months, so at least you are beating me! with coping, I only just becuase of friends, and family. Hope you have people that love/respect/and support you

[zack121]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Hey Zack, how you feeling today?

 

 

 

My opinion is that she probably was genuinely with you most of the time. Just at the end she started cheating.

 

 

 

 

Which she is playing up to divert attention from her incredibly bad behaviour. Basically, she is selfish and callous, fancies a change of scene every couple of years and wants to blame it on other people.

 

 

 

 

Not the way decent people do things. Don't stoop to her level.

 

Thanks RR, I to this day am no more clearer on it. just like a light switch ON then OFF but share your belives that perhaps some of the things said were to cover up, I will say I no where near perfect, and have always been the first to admitt it, Salt in the wounds was when she said..... "IM THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND!"

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by zack121

Thanks RR, I to this day am no more clearer on it.

 

Well, seems like she did a good cover up job...

 

 

Salt in the wounds was when she said..... "IM THE PERFECT GIRLFRIEND!"

 

... but here she was really over-reaching herself

[NiCoLe20]

zack-

 

im sorry for what happened but be thankful that this happened before the wedding...

 

just keep up with the no contact. as hard as it is, and how much it hurts, time will heal your pain. you gotta pick up the peices of your life, and accept that she doesnt deserve you. It really sucks now, but it will get better babe. have fun with your friends, and see what the single life is about. You havent experienced it in 5 years, so its time for a new revolution!!~ lol

 

her x man that she's with now is something what everyone calls a REBOUND. most rebounds dont work out, and some do.. only time will tell. most likely what will happen, coming from a girl that has been there n done that, she will start to notice the same things that took place when she was with this guy, like arguements over the same things, and she'll probably see that this guy hasnt changed since. she will probably break things off with him, then come back to you. DONT LET IT HAPPEN. if she tries to get back with you, brush her off, and say ''thanks, but no thanks''... you never know of what you have till what you had is gone.. its true. thats all you gotta say... she didnt give you any closure, dont give her any reasoning. you can do it!!! theres a girl out there that is your soulmate.... itll take time to find her but shes there. dont give up... dont be sad... learn & move on. now you know what signs to look for if you think a girl is seeing someone else. like you said, sh-t happens... and this proves it. just dont bother with any letters, or emails, b/c she doesnt deserve it bro. enjoy life for a while before settling down... theres so much out there!!!!!

 

keep us posted when things happen too!!! good luck!

[zack121]

Originally posted by NiCoLe20

zack-

 

im sorry for what happened but be thankful that this happened before the wedding...

 

just keep up with the no contact. as hard as it is, and how much it hurts, time will heal your pain. you gotta pick up the peices of your life, and accept that she doesnt deserve you. It really sucks now, but it will get better babe. have fun with your friends, and see what the single life is about. You havent experienced it in 5 years, so its time for a new revolution!!~ lol

 

her x man that she's with now is something what everyone calls a REBOUND. most rebounds dont work out, and some do.. only time will tell. most likely what will happen, coming from a girl that has been there n done that, she will start to notice the same things that took place when she was with this guy, like arguements over the same things, and she'll probably see that this guy hasnt changed since. she will probably break things off with him, then come back to you. DONT LET IT HAPPEN. if she tries to get back with you, brush her off, and say ''thanks, but no thanks''... you never know of what you have till what you had is gone.. its true. thats all you gotta say... she didnt give you any closure, dont give her any reasoning. you can do it!!! theres a girl out there that is your soulmate.... itll take time to find her but shes there. dont give up... dont be sad... learn & move on. now you know what signs to look for if you think a girl is seeing someone else. like you said, sh-t happens... and this proves it. just dont bother with any letters, or emails, b/c she doesnt deserve it bro. enjoy life for a while before settling down... theres so much out there!!!!!

 

keep us posted when things happen too!!! good luck!

 

Cheers Nicole I just wish I new WTF was going through her head... As I said I miss/don;t miss her, but left me with little understanding... from initial brakeup to actual breakup was 3 days Mon it happened, NC for 2 days then thursday shazam!! I want it made clear that I am far from perfect and accept some of the blame. but what bums me out is the no explanation thing. oh well today, whoknows tomorrow..

[New_Wife]

Ouch!

 

I've never seen someone give the person they wronged closure. It would sure be nice, but I've not seen it. I have seen folks give themselves closure over time. Which sucks, because in the meantime you hurt and get angry and hurt and get angry over and over.

 

My mother always encouraged me to do something nice for myself during times of heartache. Obviously you might not care for a pedicure or a spa day, but a nice massage, maybe a weekend vacation? Spend a lot of time with your guy friends and try to reconnect with old interests or make some new ones (hobby interests, not female). Sometimes distraction helps until the pain fades.