Ex Fiance

[zack121]

Originally posted by New_Wife

Ouch!

 

I've never seen someone give the person they wronged closure. It would sure be nice, but I've not seen it. I have seen folks give themselves closure over time. Which sucks, because in the meantime you hurt and get angry and hurt and get angry over and over.

 

My mother always encouraged me to do something nice for myself during times of heartache. Obviously you might not care for a pedicure or a spa day, but a nice massage, maybe a weekend vacation? Spend a lot of time with your guy friends and try to reconnect with old interests or make some new ones (hobby interests, not female). Sometimes distraction helps until the pain fades.

 

I've never seen someone give the person they wronged closure - YEAH I UNDERSTAND THIS

 

yeah been told to "keep busy", which I have. currently working 6 days a week, afternoons, and 12-13hr days on weekends, (3 jobs in all)

 

I think the next NICE thing i'll do is haircut. Will be going to EU in a few months (something I have not done before)

part of me is a little bitter towards women, I am trying hard not too, one of the jobs I work at a women said she'd go/out sleep with me etc but I was just not ready to do that. (rumor through the grapevine)

 

Maybe I am asking to much and guess I'll have to accept it as NEVER, I just get confused about things, people change, like I remember when I first met her, and she got a call, from a guy, I politley said, look sorry you've got soometing going on with somebody else and I don;t want to get in the way, she rang this person and told him to stop ringing her so I have seen her umm I don't know I'm just bummed (Hello Zack welcome to the world)

[amerikajin]

It's a war, man. Don't show you're hurt... she's got you right where she wants you.

 

Westernexer, word for word, what you said in your post was straight up right.

 

Zack, this bird's a drama queen. It just sucks that it took you so long to realize that, but I guess it can happy to anyone when they're really into a woman.

 

I think the worst part of a breakup is that we expect things like "justice", we want people to "play fair". But so often, it seems like fairness really doesn't have much place in relationships. The reality of a romantic relationship is that when one person is ready to move on, it's over - and they usually aren't gonna tell you anything.

[zack121]

Originally posted by amerikajin

It's a war, man. Don't show you're hurt... she's got you right where she wants you.

 

Westernexer, word for word, what you said in your post was straight up right.

 

Zack, this bird's a drama queen. It just sucks that it took you so long to realize that, but I guess it can happy to anyone when they're really into a woman.

 

I think the worst part of a breakup is that we expect things like "justice", we want people to "play fair". But so often, it seems like fairness really doesn't have much place in relationships. The reality of a romantic relationship is that when one person is ready to move on, it's over - and they usually aren't gonna tell you anything.

 

Cheers On that. Yeah I am starting to see the light and must thank MANY MANY people for it

 

for me it has been such a mindf**k, I heard the "I love you's" everyday, and will be together forever, and how happy she was plus a million other things, your right in the justice and fair play thing too. but alas I give up.

 

Man being emotional about it, just plain sucks. Been reading alot about what other people have been experincing.

Sometimes I wish to tell her off though, via letter but what would be the point.

 

So far I have (I believe) done nothing wrong (minus my not being 100% perfect), I did NC for 6 weeks saw her and left a message on her machine, then made an attempt 7 week lame attempt at contact, text her, week 8, note via post 2 lines), then NC until the 4 month mark, basically asking for explanations (this brings me up to christmas 2004), mate rings her and then 3 weeks later tells me he rang her, I was mad at him for this at the time, but belive his intentions were for my best. I think perhaps I'll get someting, was not expecting a call, but a letter (I am a D((khead), then saw her once, and she totally snobbed me, to some degree I am proud of what I have done, I am not proud of many things too. then NC since.

 

I did about one one month ago, pack all her cr*p up that she gave me, it botheres me to have reminders of someone you cared about (maybe I'm childish in this), and dumped at her friends place, did not make an issue out of it, did not even speak to her freind just knocked on door and walked away. then got in my car drove off, and went to another place and have been here every since. Just working and trying to peice my life back together, AND YES ANNOYING the crap out of fellow LS'ers with my efforts to get answers on things (forgive me all, I have much to learn).

 

perhaps I should just....., don;t know the answer, I feel alot of resentment towards her but at the same time hope she's happy and know she will be.

 

Again thanks for you understanding and advice. I do appreciate it.

[miss-gonewest]

Just working and trying to peice my life back together, AND YES ANNOYING the crap out of fellow LS'ers with my efforts to get answers on things (forgive me all, I have much to learn).

 

perhaps I should just....., don;t know the answer, I feel alot of resentment towards her but at the same time hope she's happy and know she will be.

 

Again thanks for you understanding and advice. I do appreciate it.

 

Zack, don't apologise for posting here... we enjoy your updates and we enjoy offering advice.

 

Personally I think you are coming along nicely, and I also appreciate the advice you are giving others.

 

So please stick around & post away - if people are annoyed, they can skip your posts!

[amerikajin]

Zack,

 

Just promise us one thing: when she calls you - and there's more than a 50 percent chance that she will at some point in the future - stay away from her. Don't let her suck you back in.

 

In some cases, yes, the girl goes on and lives happily with the guy she dumped you for in this kind of situation. But more often than not since I've been living on this earth, I've seen that time and time again, it seems like things don't exactly work out as planned for the dumper in this situation. The reason is that, if this girl is as you have described, she will eventually grow as frustrated in her old (and now new) relationship as she was in yours. She just seems like the kind of person who's used to having things her way, on her terms. I doubt she's ever satisfied - sort of a spoiled b!tch if you ask me.

 

The way you recover from this is to give yourself some time to heal. The no contact thing isn't for her benefit, it's for yours. It's a chance to start living life without her. In some cases, the dumper starts experiencing life without the dumpee and immediately starts second-guessing the decision, and in some cases, no contact is a way to get the ball rolling again so that two sides can reconcile differences. But in most cases, the reality is that the dumper is ready to move on, not even thinking about what they've lost - especially if they've already got someone waiting in the wings. No contact is the time when you start putting the pieces of your life back together, working through the various stages that come with a break-up, going through the shock and disbelief, then working up the anger and, in a sense, standing up for yourself, before moving on to a point where you are at peace with the outcome.

 

The shock and disbelief has to wear off first, and that may take a while - a month or two in some cases. Then you go through that anger or pride phase, when you start to stand up for yourself and realize that you're not going to take anymore neglect. And then...you move on. You're at peace with life after your ex, and that's when you start going out and finding someone else. But not until then. Meanwhile, if you let the dumper back into your life at any point before you've actually moved on, you're really asking for trouble. You're asking to get f*cked not once, but twice. Don't let it happen. If she calls, say you're busy. If she starts bumping into you on the street, be cordial, but make it clear to her that you two are done. She had her chance, it's your life and you can't let her f*ck with it.

 

Got it?

[zack121]

Cheers Guys,

 

Appreciate all. Wont go on much about it, cept to say Its less than 50-50%, which I'll learn to deal with, and thats ok. We were engaged, but reality these days what does that mean - I mean really, its her second my first so umm you know.

 

I think I have a lot of growing up to do, and perhaps open my mind a tad, Just for the record, there has been some benefit to me, I now know that people are just people. It breaks my heart (as with every other person on LS) to let her (LS's - SO) go, But I have no choice. I pray to god that when I see her I don't act like a wuss. in fact I just hope I am myself, I'm sure most people sometimes wish they were'nt what they are, BUT today I am glad of who I am.

 

and in a way I feel like thanking her, for loving me for 6 years, and teaching me things about the human race that perhaps I never new before hand, she's not so evil really, maybe she IS right and I was wrong (it happens sometimes).

 

I'll talk to my counselor tomorrow some more. Hey everybody needs to talk to somebody right. I actually don;t have many friends in this country there scattered through out the world, I have many people around me, but TRUE friends are living their life's.

 

and in some small ironic way, perhaps she is too...

 

"Dedicated to Tina"

Princess I thank you for all the beautiful things you bought into my life. the good/the bad/the beautiful and the ugly it was worth it for me.

[lovelesslost]

i hate to be the one to break it to you, but you were the one responsible for the ruination of your relationship. i'm telling you this so that you won't make the same mistake twice and so other guys reading this will understand.

 

no matter how much you love her, you don't love her enough unless you want her as your wife. no matter how much she loves being your girlfriend, isn't isn't as much as she'd love being your wife. no matter how great a boyfriend you are, you aren't a husband so you aren't good enough. no matter how "committed" you are to her, you're not committed at all unless you are married. no matter how much she loves you, she will grow resentful if you do not propose. she was right when she said "not being able to give her what she needs". she needed you to sweep her off her feet and marry her and you didn't.

 

lesson: if you want to marry a woman, and can't imagine life without her, do not wait, do not give her the opportunity to doubt your commitment and devotion, propose immediately.

 

i'm certain that she loved you most and wanted you most up until the point when it seemed that you didn't want her. because for a woman the key thing in choosing a mate is the being wanted rather than the wanting. by the time you came to your senses and proposed, it was too little too late. she didn't want to go through the rest of her life knowing that you married her only because you didn't want her to leave.

 

trust me, if prince charming rode in circles around the castle for 3 years, the princess would wonder what was wrong with herself or the prince. it would drive her crazy! she can't wait forever for him to get off the horse. you climbed the tower too late. the princess already lost respect for you.