Did I screw up?

[Thicke2013]

Okay here's the story with enough details to give you the gist. I went out of town for a work convention for 3 days with several coworkers. One night after being out for a while, one of our younger coworkers became sick after getting very drunk. In the group of about 8 of us I decided I would walk her back to the room a few blocks away. I'm mid 30's, she's early to mid 20's. She looked pale and sick and could barely hold her head up when we walked out. Very impaired. She later told me she had taken a pill that someone gave her and it was really messing with her. I walked her to her room and she could barely stand. I DID not enter her room. She opened the door and I asked for certain if she was alright and she said she was. I walked back to the bar and joined the group. There was nothing sexual and honestly no sexual thoughts ever entered my mind.

 

 

Fast forward to last night when I returned from the trip and told my wife. All hell broke loose. She has threatened to leave me, said she can never trust me again. I hate that I hurt her but I didn't intentionally hurt her. I thought I was doing the right thing. She asked if I'd feel the same if the roles were reversed and I have to say I'd probably be upset if another man walked her to her room as well. What are your thoughts? She says I have broken her trust. What can I do or say to let her know that I love her and would never hurt her intentionally? My head is reeling. This woman is my world and it seems as if I have screwed it up. I mean...I told her willingly. If I had thought it would have hurt her wouldn't I have kept it to myself?

[CarrieT]

Wow - your wife is WAY over-reacting.

 

You were a White Knight in helping out someone who was obvious incapacitated.

 

What else were you supposed to do!?!?!

[Thicke2013]

Wow - your wife is WAY over-reacting.

 

You were a White Knight in helping out someone who was obvious incapacitated.

 

What else were you supposed to do!?!?!

 

 

 

Well, that was my initial thoughts as well. I do however wish I had asked one of the other ladies to join me in walking her back to elude any suspicions.

[loveweary11]

Your wife is way,way off base.

 

That co worker could have died mixing whatever she mixed.

 

You literally did nothing wrong by helping her get to her room safely.

 

Your wife is the one with the problem here, not you.

 

I'm sure you were gone for 15 mins from the group. She could talk to any of your co workers to verify that... and she'll look stupid while doing so, but if that's what it takes.

[Thicke2013]

Your wife is way,way off base.

 

That co worker could have died mixing whatever she mixed.

 

You literally did nothing wrong by helping her get to her room safely.

 

Your wife is the one with the problem here, not you.

 

I'm sure you were gone for 15 mins from the group. She could talk to any of your co workers to verify that... and she'll look stupid while doing so, but if that's what it takes.

 

 

 

Everyone at the table agreed she needed to go back. I was the only one at the time not drinking so I took her. I do understand though. It looks bad from the outside in. I just wish I could get her to see that what I did had no sexual intentions or ulterior motives.

[CarrieT]

I'm wondering if - based on your previous thread - if your wife isn't guilty of something and projecting her guilt on to you?

[Methodical]

Well, that was my initial thoughts as well. I do however wish I had asked one of the other ladies to join me in walking her back to elude any suspicions.

 

No, if your wife is going bat-crap crazy bc you walked an incapacitated woman to her room, I can only imagine how she'd react to having another female accompany you. In her mind, that would almost be a set-up scenario. I think Carrie has a good point that she may be guilty and projecting onto you.

[ShatteredLady]

Now that my H has cheated I think it would mess with my head a little. Does your W have any reason not to trust you?

 

In the past I would of EXPECTED & WANTED my H, as a gentleman, to do exactly what you did. Maybe stay a little longer to make sure that she didn't loose consciousness. That's when I trusted him 100%.

 

In hindsight it would of been better to get someone else to come with you but that boats sailed.

 

Your W is clearly overreacting. The question is 'why'??

[Thicke2013]

I'm wondering if - based on your previous thread - if your wife isn't guilty of something and projecting her guilt on to you?

 

I don't believe so. She ended up showing me the email thread mentioned there and she really has not much opportunity to cheat. I guess anything's possible. I've been texting her much of the day and she is telling me that what bothered her the most is that she doesn't like this woman. She has been known to be kind of slutty and has a thing for married men so she has heard.

[Satu]

Helping a person in a vulnerable state should be praised, not condemned.

 

Your wife is wrong.

 

Tell that she's wrong and stick to your guns.

[Thicke2013]

Helping a person in a vulnerable state should be praised, not condemned.

 

Your wife is wrong.

 

Tell that she's wrong and stick to your guns.

 

She claims that a married man shouldn't put himself in a compromising position with a single woman and I do agree with that. That being said, all of our coworkers knew what was going on and I was only gone like 20 minutes. It wasn't like I took off for the rest of the night.

[Methodical]

Logic should prevail. Had you done something untoward, I highly doubt you'd go home and out yourself. Your wife should certainly be able to wrap her mind around such a basic concept. Okay, so she's not a fan of the woman you helped.

 

If I were you, and had never given my wife a reason to doubt my faithfulness, I'd be pissed that she jumped to conclusions, made accusations, and didn't give me the benefit of doubt, especially since I didn't try hiding anything.

 

She needs to get a grip on her insecurities.

[Satu]

She claims that a married man shouldn't put himself in a compromising position with a single woman and I do agree with that. That being said, all of our coworkers knew what was going on and I was only gone like 20 minutes. It wasn't like I took off for the rest of the night.

 

You acted on your own best judgment at the time.

 

You need to assert yourself with your wife, rather than trying to appease her.

[CarrieT]

OP, I'm curious how things are going with your wife since the incident. Have you stood up for yourself and is she still seething mad?

[sandylee1]

She's overreacting by saying she wants out ....

 

I see what she means about putting yourself in that situation. What if the women made advances on you and you rejected her. ... she could make allegations against you out of spite. It wouldn't be the first time a woman did this. Even your coworkers might think ... 'I wonder if he tried to take advantage of her while she was drunk'

 

My point being nobody would be able to say for sure what happened. You'd know she was lying .. and she would... but that doesn't help the situation.

 

It would have been much better had you got another colleague to accompany you .... then you'd be safe.

Edited March 27, 2016 by sandylee1
eta

[SJS]

Thicke, do you have a habit of playing the White Knight? Years ago my husband was the White Knight and was always helping out the poor woman in trouble. He went to a work function where alcohol was involved and some lady ended up too drunk to drive so he drove her home. Except she was so drunk she couldn't remember where she lived and he drove her around for an hour looking for her house. That was when I blew my top, much like your wife, so when I first read this I sided with her.

I understand you were looking out for this woman which is great, but IMHO never do things (like walk her back) alone. Cover your bases just in case. It would have avoided this fight, and would squash any "he said she said" issues that could arise from the drunk lady.

[elaine567]

I don't believe so. She ended up showing me the email thread mentioned there and she really has not much opportunity to cheat. I guess anything's possible. I've been texting her much of the day and she is telling me that what bothered her the most is that she doesn't like this woman. She has been known to be kind of slutty and has a thing for married men so she has heard.

 

It was not the deed in itself, it was choice of woman that you did it with, that is the issue here.

Taking Miss "IllSleepWithAnyone" back to her room was not the most sensible act was it?

I guess that fact was not missed by your co-workers either

Wink, Wink say no more...

I can now see why your wife was so upset, and why you have such a hard time convincing her nothing went on...

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Did you know that this woman has allegedly got a reputation for sleeping with MM or being a bit easy in that context?

[Thicke2013]

OP, I'm curious how things are going with your wife since the incident. Have you stood up for yourself and is she still seething mad?

 

We had some good time this weekend and also some very hard times. What it boils down to is I broke her trust. We had an agreement that we would never put ourselves into a situation that could be seen or viewed this way and I broke that. Even though I had no ill intentions I broke her trust. I can't physically prove to her that nothing happened but I will have to try and earn her trust back somehow. I have stuck to my guns as far as my intentions because it is the honest to God truth. I do wish now that I would have asked one of the other women there to accompany us.

[Thicke2013]

Thicke, do you have a habit of playing the White Knight? Years ago my husband was the White Knight and was always helping out the poor woman in trouble. He went to a work function where alcohol was involved and some lady ended up too drunk to drive so he drove her home. Except she was so drunk she couldn't remember where she lived and he drove her around for an hour looking for her house. That was when I blew my top, much like your wife, so when I first read this I sided with her.

I understand you were looking out for this woman which is great, but IMHO never do things (like walk her back) alone. Cover your bases just in case. It would have avoided this fight, and would squash any "he said she said" issues that could arise from the drunk lady.

 

I wouldn't say I have a habit of playing the white knight. I have helped others out before and I tend to be a very compassionate person. I have refused before to put myself into situations alone with other women simply because of the appearance. Last year at a work function in our city one of the newer workers which happened to be a younger female asked someone to accompany her to her car. Someone pointed at me and I politely declined and asked one of the more senior members there to walk her. Like I have said, I do understand why my wife is upset and that she may have an issue with trust at this point. I will definitely not let this happen again.

[Thicke2013]

It was not the deed in itself, it was choice of woman that you did it with, that is the issue here.

Taking Miss "IllSleepWithAnyone" back to her room was not the most sensible act was it?

I guess that fact was not missed by your co-workers either

Wink, Wink say no more...

I can now see why your wife was so upset, and why you have such a hard time convincing her nothing went on...

 

 

My co-workers were all in agreement that she needed to go back and two of the women in the group actually thanked me for making sure she got back safe. I was gone for about 20 minutes or so. Hardly long enough to walk her back to her room several blocks away and do something unbecoming. I hope the fact that I willingly told her helps with convincing. I sure wouldn't have run home and told on myself if I had done something I shouldn't have.

 

OP

 

Did you know that this woman has allegedly got a reputation for sleeping with MM or being a bit easy in that context?

 

 

I know her and have to work with her some. There has been some rumors actually that she is involved with our boss and maybe his wife is in on it. Weird I know but you know how rumors go. I guess I knew that she had a reputation somewhat. I guess it didn't cross my mind because she has never made a move on me nor I her. She has never given me any inclination that she is interested in me. Even walking her back, she never put her hands on me or made a pass at me. Surely if she was going to that would have been the opportunity.

[sandylee1]

[quote=Thicke2013;6846057

 

 

I know her and have to work with her some. There has been some rumors actually that she is involved with our boss and maybe his wife is in on it. Weird I know but you know how rumors go. I guess I knew that she had a reputation somewhat. I guess it didn't cross my mind because she has never made a move on me nor I her. She has never given me any inclination that she is interested in me. Even walking her back, she never put her hands on me or made a pass at me. Surely if she was going to that would have been the opportunity.

 

I see.

 

Well I wouldn't want my husband walking a woman with that kind of reputation home.... regardless of whether or not she'd made a move on you.

 

I think the agreement you both have about not putting yourselves in that kind of situation is very good. It helps to protect your marriage.

I hope she calms down and realises you were being honest.

 

Having read some of your previous threads .... you have some jealousy issues .... so I'm sure you can see where she's coming from.

 

Another thing ... I know nothing happened ... but it's not unheard of for men /women to talk about their co worker APs in a casual way.

[Liam1]

I've been texting her much of the day and she is telling me that what bothered her the most is that she doesn't like this woman. She has been known to be kind of slutty and has a thing for married men so she has heard.

 

Well, obviously this is the reason for her reaction.

 

The question is: Did you know she had a "slutty" reputation?

 

If so, you definitely put yourself in a compromising situation.

 

Also, although, it was nice of you to help her, could you have called the concierge and asked for them to send someone to accompany her back to her room?

 

Also, weren't there other women around who could escort her back?

 

Night in shining armor syndrome is well known to get men into compromising situations.

 

Lastly, if someone did slip something into her drink, it might have been safer to call an ambulance.

[Thicke2013]

I see.

 

Well I wouldn't want my husband walking a woman with that kind of reputation home.... regardless of whether or not she'd made a move on you.

 

I think the agreement you both have about not putting yourselves in that kind of situation is very good. It helps to protect your marriage.

I hope she calms down and realises you were being honest.

 

Having read some of your previous threads .... you have some jealousy issues .... so I'm sure you can see where she's coming from.

 

Another thing ... I know nothing happened ... but it's not unheard of for men /women to talk about their co worker APs in a casual way.

 

 

I have had jealousy issues with her which were new to me to deal with. I had never been jealous in my life. She has been hurt in the past as have I which is why we made the mutual agreement. I think that is what bothers her the most. She was cheated on in her first marriage and admitted to me that this gave her flashbacks. I have never and will never cheat on her. She is the love of my life no doubt and also my best friend. Our relationship is perfect. Physically, emotionally, spiritually it is all perfect. I just hope she can choose to trust me and forgive me.

[Thicke2013]

Well, obviously this is the reason for her reaction.

 

The question is: Did you know she had a "slutty" reputation?

 

If so, you definitely put yourself in a compromising situation.

 

Also, although, it was nice of you to help her, could you have called the concierge and asked for them to send someone to accompany her back to her room?

 

Also, weren't there other women around who could escort her back?

 

Night in shining armor syndrome is well known to get men into compromising situations.

 

Lastly, if someone did slip something into her drink, it might have been safer to call an ambulance.

 

 

Obviously hind sight is always 20/20. I did know this girl had a reputation but as far as I knew they were all rumors. She supposedly has a steady bf now and is serious. I wish I had asked one of the ladies there to walk with to elude any suspicions from my wife. As for the coworkers they all agreed she needed to be helped back. There was talk about getting her a cab and we were afraid she couldn't even make it to the room once the cab arrived. It was a 10 minute walk so I decided to walk her. I do wish I hadn't.