um, SPYING and STRANGE BEHAVIOURS, WHAT IS THE DEAL???????

[pixie-stixs]

hi. i am new to this posting thing so bear with me...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. He seems to have a problem alienating me from the rest of his family and friends. I moved away from my family and friends a year ago and havent made any friends here except for my boyfriend.

 

I cant put my finger on it, but I think he is alienating me from his friends and family.

reasons why I think this are:

 

He tells everyone I am jealous and this is how I am viewed. EVERYONE.

Now all of his people deliberately hide things from me, as if I couldnt handle everyday conversations. THe kicker...I am not jealous! I am a bit clingy but this is do to not having friends and my family not near.

 

It also seems as if he doesnt want me to have friends. He lies about things too, little things, big things.

He has people spy on me and HE SPYS ON ME!! When I go to the store, anytime I go out. I have caught a number of his cousins on numerous occasions somehow in my vicinity whether I am driving home from work or at the store or at a gas station.

I have never caught him personally doing this, but another person insinuated this to me and when I asked them to divulge, they clammed up!

 

He keeps his friends very near. And he has A LOT of them. When I think about it, I see it as me stuck in a tight circle with all of his friends and family closed in around me.

I cant breathe sometimes. I feel like I am constantly on watch. Everywhere we go he knows somebody. And I feel like they are just added to the list of people he has watch me.

I dont want to talk to him about it. I will be seen as paranoid and I know this. He claims to love me and always will, he makes plans for the future, etc...still some things really have me freaked out......his alienating, blocking me in, spying...why? and what is this about?!

[New_Wife]

And you are with him, why?

 

I don't mean that as snotty as it may look. But really, what good qualities are there that are worth this?

[pixie-stixs]

I am with him because I love him! I know it does seem as if nothing is good, but it really is. These behaviours has me puzzled. Is he cheating on me? I cant figure it out.

 

Watching me or having other people watch me, and other things like making people think I am crazy and strange. I dont know what to make of it. The more I think about it, the more it is seeming like he doesnt want me to have friends at all.

 

I made friends with a friend of one of his relatives and she asked me to call her. I had my boyfriend store the # in his phone and the next day he said he couldnt find it. this seems to happen alot...

[New_Wife]

I'm not trying to bust your chops here, but what do you "love" about him?

 

The spying? alienation? treating you like an errant retarded child?

 

What good outweighs this?

 

And before you answer - consider this: A lot of women "love" a man who treats them poorly. Shoot, I love morphine but I'm not gonna be having any of that because it's very very bad for me.

[FolderWife]

Sounds like he's in organized crime !!!

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

I dont want to talk to him about it. I will be seen as paranoid and I know this. He claims to love me and always will, he makes plans for the future, etc...still some things really have me freaked out......his alienating, blocking me in, spying...why? and what is this about?!

 

Paranoid??? No. Seeing people he knows everywhere you go sounds like too big a coincidence. Unless you think you're *hallucinating* this people, then the guy is having you watched. That's not normal! Either he has severe issues or, like FolderWife said, he's in the mob. Either way, he's being very controlling.

 

Unless he's in the mob, I can't see why his friends and family would be convinced to spy on you unless he's told them some pretty big lies about you not just that you're jealous. (Assuming that most of them are mentally stable.)

 

You may love him, but do you really want to spend your life being spied on and controlled this way? Be careful when you leave him though, because if he's been getting his family and friends to do this to you when you're together, who knows what he'll have them do when you upset him by leaving. But don't let that scare you out of getting out from under his control.

[pixie-stixs]

Yes, I most certainly AM NOT hallucinating! I have even asked them (the spys) on certain occasions what they were doing around here. Their response "oh, you know, just driving".....okay..strange....

 

The mob..thats funny! No I dont think he is in the mob, but it is sort of mob like behaviour I guess!!

 

Okay okay, so how do I get him to call off his spys without seeming like I know or having him turn it around on me by calling me paranoid or confused, which is his newest label?

 

The thing is, he doesnt really treat me poorly. He is sort of aloof, and distant at times, distracted alot it seems, but he always takes care of me. By saying he takes care of me, I dont mean I am a kept woman by any means, what I mean is he is there for me, and by all appearances seems as if he loves me a great deal but the spying and alienating thing has got to stop.

 

But I also need reasons why he is doing these things. I am confused. Going to the source doesnt seem to help because he always tells me i am confused (which I am ha ha ha) and I have it all mixed up when I question his behaviours.

[J dub]

Hm..he doesnt trust you much..

[Mz. Pixie]

He is abusive, his behavior smacks of abusiveness.....

 

Please get out now before it gets worse.

[IfiKnewThen]

anyone who ends up controlling you like that might really very well end up abusing you. for real. this type of person has the behavior patterns of an abuser who is possessive. hes all nice now because you havent given him reason in his mind to worry. but once he finds a reason justified in his own mind.....it could be merely talking to a neighbor about a cat., he will see the neighbor as a threat who might steal his girlfriend away or that you his girlfriend have a "new love". i think he avoids his family and intimate contact with themselves and you, because he doesnt want you knowing something about him , maybe. dr. phil says those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. i agree. he's going out of his way to hide something. maybe hes ashamed of his family who knows. maybe he is in the mob or has dealings with drugs. in that he sells them..whatever. but honestly in my own opinion it sounds like a control issue and very sadly and unfortunately that can result in alot of sad ending. ask him if he would go to counselling with you and then bring the issue up there. : )

[pixie-stixs]

No, I dont think it is drugs b/c he doesnt have weird time absences, or anything really to signify he is out dealing, though he does seem to be in love with his cell phone...I dont think it is a mob thing I guess I am really confused. Not sure if it means he is cheating on me because he is always checking up on where I am or what, though it always seems that whenever a person takes an interest in me, be it guy, girl, or child the next day they are totally cold towards me and I cant draw them out again. To the point were they wont even say Hi to me....

 

I dont get it.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by IfiKnewThen

maybe hes ashamed of his family who knows. maybe he is in the mob or has dealings with drugs. in that he sells them..whatever. but honestly in my own opinion it sounds like a control issue and very sadly and unfortunately that can result in alot of sad ending. ask him if he would go to counselling with you and then bring the issue up there. : )

 

I don't think it has anything to do with him being ashamed of his family. Abusers generally isolate the person they're abusing.

 

pixie-stixs, I don't think there's much you can do to stop his behavior. If he always denies it and tries to make you think there's something wrong with you (paranoid, confused) because you suspect it, then there's really no way to convince him to stop. Unless you've done something to seriously break his trust (like cheating on him), it's completely unjustified and you won't be able to convince him to trust you enough to stop. You can ask him to go to counseling, but he probably won't, because "there's nothing wrong".

 

I was hoping that the controlling issue would be enough to get you to see that you probably shouldn't be with this guy, so I didn't mention the abuse aspect. Mostly because I figured your reaction would be, "No, my husband doesn't abuse me. He's very loving." That's the general response from women who are being emotionally abused. They don't even realize it's happening. They just think it's something they've been doing wrong, and they want to know how to fix it.

 

But since others have already mentioned it, your husband's behavior seems to be in the early stages of emotional abuse, which can lead to physical abuse.

 

Here's some of the signs of emotional abuse that may apply to your relationship:

-You feel that something is wrong with your relationship, but you don't know how to describe it

-You feel that your partner controls your life

-Your partner gets angry and jealous if you talk to someone else

-You have to account for every moment of your time

-When you try to talk to your partner about problems, you are called names such as bitch or nag (or in your case: paranoid, jealous, confused, or crazy)

-You lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours

-Your relationship swings back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close

 

Here are sites that talk about emotional abuse: http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/emotional_abuse.html

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

 

You should search for others as well as abuse hotlines. You should also get out before his behavior gets worse, because there's really nothing you can to do make it better.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

though it always seems that whenever a person takes an interest in me, be it guy, girl, or child the next day they are totally cold towards me and I cant draw them out again.

 

If you've done nothing to offend these people, then there's a good chance that he's threatened them or told them some hideous lie about you in an effort to keep you from having anyone in your life but him. There's no way for you to make him change this behavior. It's that of an abuser

[GUEST]

HMM,. i dont know. I mean, it sounds strange. How many people can you possibly meet that all think it would be great to spend their time trailing you. I mean, I cant think of many that have that kind of time. Like, Shes going to the grocery store and he gets on the phone as soon as you leave...." quick cousin bob, getton over der and pretend your buying some fruit" I dont know, I mean, even if he is that crazy then everyone he knew,...these SPYS as you call them would also have to be that crazy. I mean, sitting here thinking about it, I know if I was to ask people to watch you for me I would feel like a big creep. Is it possible for one person to have such a network of freinds that its all part of a normal relationship. I dont know..

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by FolderWife

Sounds like he's in organized crime !!!

 

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking !!!!!! I thought to myself,...."Is this guys last name 'Corleone'?" Can I ask what nationality he is? Otherwise,..I would get outta Dodge !! This sounds like its not just some simple "Oh la dee da,...what do I do?" type of problem. This sounds dangerous. Like you may be hurt if one of these "cousins" gets the wrong idea about you talking to someone who happens to be male or whatever. This isnt healthy. You should never settle for being followed, spyed on,...or anything like it.

 

I couldnt handle knowing I was being watched or spyed on. What if I needed to dig out a wedgie?

 

Just be careful or you will be sleeping with the fishes.

or be wearing cement loafers

[SexKitten]

i think you're just a little paranoid, maybe.

 

hope it works out either way, hun.

[miss-gonewest]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

No, I dont think it is drugs b/c he doesnt have weird time absences, or anything really to signify he is out dealing, though he does seem to be in love with his cell phone...

I dont get it.

 

I don't get it either, although a flatmate of mine once had a boyfriend exactly the same... he just got released from doing 6 years for being part of drug manufacturing ring.

 

He used to work as a stripper (for hens nights etc) on Saturday nights and made his gf get a job waitressing so he'd know where she was. Hello?!!

 

And she was watched. And he used to sleep with his mobile phone.

 

Not saying that this happening to you, but still waters run deep.

 

If you cant approach your bf, his family or his friends, maybe you are just going to have to accept that you are being watched. Just give em something to laugh about - as Scarly said, dig out wedgies, talk to an imaginary friend, skip along the pavement, wear crazy hats, drive around in circles.... go crazy!

[pixie-stixs]

Hey, Thanks for the positive and negative feedback....

 

GUEST: Not sure why you are so angry with my post, but it seems like your being a bit too hostile....I came here for advice, and I may not know much but I do know what I see and hear when it is pertaining to MY life...how do you explain the person (who is a close friend and family to b/f) who actually told me they were spying on me?!

 

Not sure why you would turn this around on me, I am not the one who is having me followed, he is....and I would LOVE to see the rest of what you had to say before the administrator removed it for inappropriate comments.

 

See if you can write your "inappropriate comments" a little more appropriate so I can view them....

 

 

Anyway,

 

Yes, for those of you who are wondering, it has made me more Paranoid as sexkitten mentioned but it is just not possible to be so paranoid that I imagined being followed in the first place. There is still the issue of the family person who told me I was being followed.

 

Let me clarify for a bit:

 

1. He is not in the mob

2. He doesnt use or deal drugs

 

 

Scarly and ms gone-west you are so crazy! This would be something I would do, too! I guess I could look at it on a lighter note.

 

SO Here is my theory tell me if you agree, even partially:

 

He is having me followed because maybe he is CHEATING...As in, keep an eye on her and give me a call on her whereabouts so I dont run into her on the street with my newer more improved girl

ie "I dont want to be caught redhanded"

 

This was the reason I posted on this topic b/c I thought some of you would think this as well, but it doesnt seem that way from the feedback I have been getting.

 

Can I ask why this behavior is dangerous? I mean, I am not really sure why it is thought to be dangerous, no one has threatened me, or ran me off the road or blew up my car true mafia style, ha ha kidding, but you get my drift.....

 

I was thinking maybe he was cheating but the rest of you think it is more serious than that, maybe I am just so used to it, that I didnt think of it as an issue of being dangerous or not....

Jeepers! I came here with a mundane thought of "omg, is he cheating on me" and now I hear the godfather theme in my head...ha ha ha! No, he is NOT in the mob, which would actually be more exciting than him cheating on me, I would have to say, but it is a very creative way to look at it I guess.

 

and NO...I have never cheated on him, nor given him any reason to think that I have, he always knows where I am at, if I go anywhere, he grills me for 10 mins beforehand, so he knows where I am going and that I am not out screwing around, but maybe he is??????????????

[miss-gonewest]

Pixie, I guess we're back to square one... we have no idea what he is doing!

 

I personally wouldn't have thought of the cheating, but then I don't know the guy. What I don't understand is why would you tell everyone you were cheating - and to keep an eye on you? I thought infidelity would be a secret....?

 

Maybe he is just simply the possessive, inquisitive type? Maybe he just wants to prove who is boss and this is how he does it. How does his father treat his mother? How do his friends treat their girlfriends? If its common practice - given their tight circle of fam/friends, then maybe its how they've always done it.

 

And it sounds to me that he has just too much time on his hands....

 

Sorry - but I don't know what to say to you! Its very bizarre behavior

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

Let me clarify for a bit:

 

1. He is not in the mob

2. He doesnt use or deal drugs

 

I don't really think he's in the mob or dealing drugs. I said that in jest. I do think his behavior is indicative of a possible abuser though.

 

He is having me followed because maybe he is CHEATING...As in, keep an eye on her and give me a call on her whereabouts so I dont run into her on the street with my newer more improved girl

ie "I dont want to be caught redhanded"

 

I doubt it. He might be cheating, but I don't think that's the reason he's having you followed. For one, I've never heard of anyone having their SO followed to make sure they don't find out about cheating. Does it really make sense that people would follow you around just to help him cheat? Or does it make more sense that he's been telling them aweful lies about you, making them think you're cheating/crazy/etc to convince them that they're helping out him, the innocent, faithful victim of you.

 

Also, cheating doesn't explain why people who have been friendly with you suddenly snub you without reason.

 

Can I ask why this behavior is dangerous? I mean, I am not really sure why it is thought to be dangerous, no one has threatened me, or ran me off the road or blew up my car true mafia style, ha ha kidding, but you get my drift.....

 

It's dangerous because it indicates he's a possible abuser. Women who are abused generally think their man is loving and wonderful when the relationship starts, and so they justify the little things that come up. Then they keep justifying until it turns into the big things. Almost no woman would stay with a man who began the relationship abusing them. The abuse develops over time.

 

Also, abusers are very friendly, have large circles of friends, and readily do favors for others. They're the last people their friends would expect to be abusive. Which is why they're so easily able to get their friends on their side.

 

Abuse can damage your self-esteem, cause major depression, make you question your self-worth and sanity, as well as cause you physical harm and death.

 

You didn't even mention the suggestions that he is abusive, which makes me think that you haven't taken it into consideration. Granted, he hasn't done everything that an abuser will do, but what you're describing is enough to indicate that it could progress further.

 

If you haven't taken the time to look at http://youarenotcrazy.com/ please do. It's not going to hurt you to look, and it will only benefit you to know how to recognize abuse. It talks about emotional abuse, which always occurs prior to physical abuse. If you don't see your guy reflected in the information there, that's great. But please read it, because the information will only benefit you (and everyone). I don't want to convince you he's abusive if he's not, but I want you to be informed so that you don't end up hurt and/or emotionally scarred.

 

And if you do nothing else, please ask him to go to counseling with you. If he won't go, go by yourself.

 

GUEST: Not sure why you are so angry with my post, but it seems like your being a bit too hostile....I came here for advice, and I may not know much but I do know what I see and hear when it is pertaining to MY life...how do you explain the person (who is a close friend and family to b/f) who actually told me they were spying on me?!

 

Not sure why you would turn this around on me, I am not the one who is having me followed, he is....and I would LOVE to see the rest of what you had to say before the administrator removed it for inappropriate comments.

 

Now you're going to think I sound paranoid, but I wouldn't be surprised if he found your post, and GUEST is actually him or one of his circle of friends. Why? Because there's no reason for someone to respond in such a belittling manner with inappropriate comments when they have no personal investment in it. The words, "these SPYS as you call them" reminds me of the way that abusers, when confronted with their actions call it "supposed abuse" and belittle their partners accusations of abusive behavior.

 

Of course, it could also be someone else who's doing this same thing to his/her gf/bf and is getting upset for that reason. Too bad we can't view IPs.

[pixie-stixs]

crazy_grl:

 

Yes.....yes....it is all becoming clear to me now......What you said definately makes sense to me...:

 

 

"Or does it make more sense that he's been telling them aweful lies about you, making them think you're cheating/crazy/etc to convince them that they're helping out him, the innocent, faithful victim of you"

 

Come to think of it, I DO see him as playing the "martyr" in this situation....

Good god I cant even imagine what he could be saying to make them act the way they have with me. They arent rude or mean, they are just sort of cold and distant and weird sometimes...Like him.....

 

HOWEVER...Do you think it COULD be possible that because he has been telling them awful lies about me (supposing this is true) they are enabling and in fact even encouraging him to in a sense cheat??? What I mean is:

 

b/f starts off saying how horrible I am, how crazy, etc.....

people listen, become aware. Bf sets up situations where I will look bad in front of them, I.E. start a fight when his friend happens to come over and then walk out the door (leaving door open for all to hear) yelling about how "please stop, I cant handle this fighting" and then he leans on his family and friends for the emotional support and all the while they start to say things like:

 

-she is not good for you

-maybe you should find someone new

-your such a good man, you deserve a good woman

-you have been through so much, you dont deserve this

 

which leads to:

-My co-worker has this daughter that lives down the street....

-My cousin is real nice, you should meet her....

-the next door neighbor lady is so sweet, I think you would look nice together.....

 

which leads to:

-no, I couldnt do that, its not nice

 

which leads to:

 

-Yes you can, she is not the right one for you

-besides, she's crazy

 

YES, AT THIS MOMENT I AM PARANOID!!!!!!!! But trip with me here anyway: Setting up the perfect situation for cheating grounds that friends and family turn a blind eye to because "poor guy, he puts up with so much from her"

 

Meanwhile HE set this up to begin with!!!!!!!! The funny thing is, he doesnt put up with much from me, I put up with all the chaos, not him. He creates situations, shows me in unfavorable lights and then steps back and watches while people assume and he is happy with that!!!!

 

Yet when I try to make the situation correct, I am looked at as paranoid and crazy

 

As far as being abusive, this one i am stumped on...I am not really sure to tell you the truth. Overtly, not really, he doesnt really hit me, sometimes a little pushy but other than that not much i think

EXCEPT for letting me assume things when he could just clear it up because it sends me into an emotional downward spiral

 

crazy_grl:

How did you know this:

 

"Also, abusers are very friendly, have large circles of friends, and readily do favors for others. They're the last people their friends would expect to be abusive. Which is why they're so easily able to get their friends on their side."

 

Did you read it somewhere? Because this is just like him!

 

 

And yes, GUEST:

 

Why WOULD you be so belittling when it wasnt called for? Seems suspicious to me.........

 

NOW i am REALLY paranoid!

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

Come to think of it, I DO see him as playing the "martyr" in this situation....

Good god I cant even imagine what he could be saying to make them act the way they have with me. They arent rude or mean, they are just sort of cold and distant and weird sometimes...Like him.....

 

HOWEVER...Do you think it COULD be possible that because he has been telling them awful lies about me (supposing this is true) they are enabling and in fact even encouraging him to in a sense cheat???

 

It's entirely possible that he's cheating. I just don't think that having people follow you and making you out to be a bad person was done with the intention of cheating. Men who are abusive manipulate others around them to believe they're the guy good and you're the bad one. (See below about creating allies.) They also do this to you to gain power over you. The reason they do it mostly has to do with their own insecurity.

 

b/f starts off saying how horrible I am, how crazy, etc.....

 

Bf sets up situations where I will look bad in front of them

 

The funny thing is, he doesnt put up with much from me, I put up with all the chaos, not him.

 

He creates situations, shows me in unfavorable lights and then steps back and watches while people assume and he is happy with that!!!!

 

Yet when I try to make the situation correct, I am looked at as paranoid and crazy

 

These types of things are abusive because they lower your self-esteem and self-worth. They give him power over you, because he's the only person you've got. It's already starting to have an effect, because you're thinking that you're paranoid and crazy. There's a reason why that site is titled "You Are Not Crazy." It's because the abusers like to convince their partners and everyone else that she's the crazy one and the one with all the problems.

 

As far as being abusive, this one i am stumped on...I am not really sure to tell you the truth. Overtly, not really, he doesnt really hit me, sometimes a little pushy but other than that not much i think

EXCEPT for letting me assume things when he could just clear it up because it sends me into an emotional downward spiral

 

He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. Causing you to go into an emotional spiral when he can easily prevent it seems abusive to me. Emotional abuse is just as damaging to you mentally as physical abuse. Emotional abuse may not progress into physical, but all physical abuse starts out as emotional.

 

crazy_grl:

How did you know this:

 

"Also, abusers are very friendly, have large circles of friends, and readily do favors for others. They're the last people their friends would expect to be abusive. Which is why they're so easily able to get their friends on their side."

 

I read it on the sites about abusers. The youarenotcrazy.com site says under the 'Allies' section:

 

"Abusers create a network of "allies" that intentionally or unknowingly support his abuse in many ways. He establishes relationships with charm and favors, much like a corrupt politician but infinitely more convincing. He needs these allies to help him justify his bad behavior and defend him should he ever be accused of being abusive. By validating him and ignoring her, his allies help keep her in line. Plus, it's hard work to be a full-time bully, and if he's not careful, it may make him look bad. Looking bad takes away the rush of power he feels when he crushes his partner."

 

Go to that site and read everything there, especially the example in the quiz section. It lets you actually listen to a recording of a real couple and gives descriptions of each type of abuse tactic in the frame at the top right corner.

 

A lot of your situation sounds similar to the stories I've read from other women, but only you will be able to recognize if this is similar to your guy's behavior.

[pixie-stixs]

omg! you were right! SOME of those things really DOES sound like him!!!!! I cant believe it! thanks for the insight...

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by pixie-stixs

omg! you were right! SOME of those things really DOES sound like him!!!!! I cant believe it! thanks for the insight...

 

No problem.

 

Some couples have been able to salvage their relationship when the abusive person is willing to work on the problems. From what you described, your guy doesn't seem to have gotten to a severe stage yet, and he might not realize he's doing it. That may mean there's still hope. You'll need a professional counselor to work through it with both of you though.

 

However, most of the time, the person being abusive doesn't think there's a problem. So if he's not willing to work on it, that means it will probably get worse, and you should get out of there. And if you can't bring yourself to leave right away, start seeing a therapist on your own who will help you deal with and understand it so that eventually you can.

[XNemesisX]

Well, I don't understand the spying but I think you mentioned that he talks trash about you to his family and friends. Why does he do this? Is he trying to make you sound bad so he feels better about what he may (or may not) be doing on the side???

 

Maybe you should get a spy on HIM!