Emotional carousel/I'm so tired. [update 2016-06-26]

[Lorenza]

As the title already implies, I am on the very edge of my patience...

 

I have a boyfriend who I love very much for his good qualities and the moments together that are actually great and we have it so cozy, funny, creative and overall mostly very pleasant. But he has days when he pulls away and moments when he gets intensive. Besides he's most of the time busy and we kinda meet when it suits him (I'm pretty flexible).

 

Last month we almost broke up because I was getting crazy about his constant withdrawals and he was feeling like I'm trying to get him under my control. A week later we made up and he told me that he understand that we both might feel like that because of his condition (he has ADD/ADHD which is now confirmed and was just a guess back then) and that he will try his best to have it in mind and improve.

 

Some things have improved drastically, but now they are spiraling out of control again. We've been generally meeting more rarely since the breakup/made up, but he made sure to spend weekends with me, at least 2 days. I was quite content with that, besides we chatted on fb during the week and he actually stood up for me in a very difficult situation and totally impressed me by how much he defended me in it. He was even answering his phone for a while.

 

But since two weekends ago I've been increasingly feeling more and more unhappy. Started out with a small thing - he stayed Thursday, Friday night (both late, cause I finish work very late) and a little bit of Saturday, then I suggested I come to him on Sunday instead and it was kind of a plan, but he completely ignored it when Sunday came and we didn't meet. I brushed it off.

 

Last Friday he came to me, for what I thought is going to be be a weekend spent together, but he stayed Friday evening and told me that he is going to meet his male friends on Saturday and come back at around 23 pm and we'll spend the rest of the night together. I was fine with it. But the 23 pm turned out to be 7 am... I was a little pissed off and explained to him that this wasn't at all nice but he wasn't very apologetic, just said that it's ok that I'm angry but he really needed this time with his buddies. I got over it and we spend the rest of the day nicely and in the evening he went home.

 

The next day he had a surgery, because he has some weird complications in the area he had cancer in, which made him feel really down. The surgery didn't go well and the surgeon couldn't proceed due to an infection in the area so it got delayed and he was released home. However he is left with a cut scar on his face from where they opened it.

 

I was trying to be as supportive as I could to him and after the surgery he really wanted to see me and seemed to need comfort. I went home to him (at his parents') and we had a very cozy and nice evening together, made a plan to meet on Friday and I left around noon next day (which was Wednesday). Some funny texts during Wednesday.... And then silent. Nothing on Thursday, except a message cancelling our supposed meeting on Friday and telling we can meet on Saturday instead, very cold one. I wrote a couple of messages wondering why he's being so cold about it, but no answer. Then nothing on Friday. After me asking him if everything is ok (I mean - he's got some serious infection in the area where he had cancer and besides super down about it - ofc I'm worried!), but he answered quite late and told me he can't meet Saturday either - loads of work he couldn't finish due to bed regime the whole week.

Again, very cold and formal, both times telling me how exhausted he has been.

 

I got upset this time and asked him why he is acting like this and that if he needed his alone time (as ADHD people do, I read that they get chocked up about it) he could simply tell me, since we agreed to communicate better knowing his mental instability. No answer.

 

I know it's not easy to deal with things his dealing with. But it seems like those things never end... It tears my heart because I love him and I see how ****ty he feels (besides now he will also have a disfigurement on his face, since they need to take a certain implant out due to infection), but how am I supposed to deal with such inconsistency - when we meet he's intensive, tells me he loves me a 100 times, wants to have sex all the time, keeps on repeating how great I am and how wonderful it is to be together. And then he pulls back and doesn't to hear anything from me. Like when I came to him earlier this week after the surgery, he was sooo happy and asked - when are you coming again? Please come again! But now cancels two supposed meetings?? This is such an emotional carousel.

 

I am an old-fashioned soul who is horrified by how quick people split up nowadays and I hate what love has become - just a convenience and search for pleasure. My boyfriend always says the same, but he doesn't seem to understand that his actions send me a message that he doesn't cherish me. I wouldn't ever run from his problems, but I'm crying into my pillow (though this time I don't go crazy, just cry cause I'm sad) way too often and I can't help but feeling I'm a yo-yo.

 

We have so much in common, both talented and passionate about our things, same family values, same humor, great in bed, both affectionate, both kinda quirky and messy - whyyy can't he just be a bit more aware about my feelings, I ask for so little, just to be minded. I hate this...

 

Guess just venting, but any insight is welcome.

[Standard-Fare]

How long have you two been dating?

 

Regardless of your answer, I think it sounds like this guy's personality is just really hot and cold, he's prone to withdrawing, and that probably won't change. You've addressed the problem repeatedly, you almost broke up with him because of it, and still it doesn't change.

 

If it's making you feel sh*tty on a regular basis, you need to decide whether you can continue living like this and tolerating his up and downs.

 

If you two have been dating for a while now (like, about a year or more), you should both be looking at the future -- could the two of you ever imagine moving in together, for example? If you can't picture a future that includes more regular intimacy, then maybe this isn't the right thing.

[Lorenza]

How long have you two been dating?

 

Regardless of your answer, I think it sounds like this guy's personality is just really hot and cold, he's prone to withdrawing, and that probably won't change. You've addressed the problem repeatedly, you almost broke up with him because of it, and still it doesn't change.

 

If it's making you feel sh*tty on a regular basis, you need to decide whether you can continue living like this and tolerating his up and downs.

 

If you two have been dating for a while now (like, about a year or more), you should both be looking at the future -- could the two of you ever imagine moving in together, for example? If you can't picture a future that includes more regular intimacy, then maybe this isn't the right thing.

 

It's 5, soon 6 months. Yes, his personality is very affected by the Adhd part - what I've read about people with this condition and what I've noticed in him goes along completely. His mind is chaotic, he's messy, hot-cold, easy to feel "not enough", he hyperfocuses and has insomnia. He takes medication but it just honestly has a very nasty side effect, drowsiness, which kinda made it all worse.

 

You're right, it most likely won't change much, but I could compromise if he did too. But he doesn't lately...

[preraph]

I have to say you've let this get into a bad habit of doing things only when he wants to. That's not fair. But you said yourself you're very flexible. But now it's obviously bothering you, so you're going to have to have a talk with him about it. Tell him you realize it started out with you being super flexible but that now that you realize he won't cooperate when you request something on your schedule, it's bothering you a lot and that you want things to be more equal going forward. No, he won't like it. But honestly, if you're going to keep him, you don't want to spend the rest of your life jumping every time he beckons and being ignored when you make a simple request. So it's time to find out if this really is going anywhere or if he is too set in his ways to entertain your needs.

[katiegrl]

Hi Lorenza ....I was wondering how long it would take before you came back posting about your RL (was hoping you wouldn't) ....I am so sorry things continue to be up and down.

 

I don't really have anything more to add other than what I have said already, except emotional roller coaster type relationships are never healthy, and, without exception, will eventually destroy your sense of security, your self-esteem and your psyche.

 

It is up to you how long you wish to tolerate this.... it is pretty clear this is who he is ... and might change temporarily after a relationship crisis, but will soon revert back to his old ways, as that is his nature.

 

As has been said previously, you need to take care of YOU, no one else will.

 

And that includes taking care of your heart ... as it's the only one you've got and thus you need to be the one to protect it!

 

It seems to me at this point, after experiencing so many ups and downs pretty much from the get go with this guy... you have all the info you need to make an informed decision as to what you need to do .... and frankly should do IMO...

 

But of course that is entirely your call.. .you are beautiful inside and out ... god knows you deserve better than this.

 

Best of luck hun ... and big hugs.

Edited March 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Ohhh, he had cancer, now other complication.... I can imagine how his mind will not be on his dating experiences. Health issues are probably making his mind scattered and defocused... I'm sure he'll recover both physically and emotionally but it will take time seems like. Are you willing/ready to give him this time?

[Versacehottie]

I don't think continuing to do all things, especially seeing him, on his terms only is a good idea. Actually I would break up with him. You don't have to be mean or dramatic. Just say that it seems like from his actions and failure to be on the same page with each other that you think space is the best course of action right now. You can even say that he's welcome to get in touch when he is in a better place and hopefully you will still be available but for now you are going to move on with your life.

 

If you keep just doing things on his terms, he will continue to lose respect for you. This is the strongest move you can make. And then be serious about it. No contact from your end. And only accept his if his position has changed and VET that out before agreeing to date him again. This is about fixing a pattern. And you cannot do it, IMO, when still in the relationship. He is not appreciating you and is taking you for granted. It could be because he is too stressed and spread thin from his health issues. But if you are going to remain a couple then you are seeing a side of him that takes his stress out on you, which I don't think you find acceptable, do you? I wouldn't sign up for it. Life will always ebb and flow and if this is his way of dealing with stress, well do you want to sign up to be the scapegoat and one he does not cherish even though you help him through hard times? You need a reset if you are going to date him or have a relationship with him. He needs to appreciate you and will only do that when he faces the very real possibility of losing you.

 

Also don't give the ADD/ADHD or stuff that you read on the internet as a explanation for his bad behavior toward you too much credit or use it as an excuse. Guys are pretty simple. When they want something and cherish it, they will treat it as such. When they don't, they won't. You want to be cherished? Don't be available for his bullsh*t. He is treating you like a girlfriend of convenience. Have you ever seen these guys when they actually are trying to win over the girl of their dreams? Best behavior. You would be shocked it's the same guy. That girl could possibly be you if the pattern is not ingrained nor too much stuff has happened. But I wouldn't put up with this a minute more. Life is too short. You are really pretty--on that alone, you would have lots of options--he should definitely treat you like you would. If you let him treat you badly, it only guarantees more of the same. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi Lorenza ....I was wondering how long it would take before you came back posting about your RL (was hoping you wouldn't) ....I am so sorry things continue to be up and down.

 

I don't really have anything more to add other than what I have said already, except emotional roller coaster type relationships are never healthy, and, without exception, will eventually destroy your sense of security, your self-esteem and your psyche.

 

It is up to you how long you wish to tolerate this.... it is pretty clear this is who he is ... and might change temporarily after a relationship crisis, but will soon revert back to his old ways, as that is his nature.

 

As has been said previously, you need to take care of YOU, no one else will.

 

And that includes taking care of your heart ... as it's the only one you've got and thus you need to be the one to protect it!

 

It seems to me at this point, after experiencing so many ups and downs pretty much from the get go with this guy... you have all the info you need to make an informed decision as to what you need to do .... and frankly should do IMO...

 

But of course that is entirely your call.. .you are beautiful inside and out ... god knows you deserve better than this.

 

Best of luck hun ... and big hugs.

 

All of this.

 

OP, it's clear he's not planning on changing. He doesn't seem to care too much that his behaviour is unacceptable. Suffering from ADHD does not give someone a pass to be disrespectful and dismissive, so you really need to stop making excuses for him and justifying it to yourself. Making plans and then blowing them off without so much as a word to you is just downright rude and, in my opinion, a dumpable offense. Needing time with his buddies until 7am? Yeah, right. He would not be seeing me again after a stunt like that.

 

At just six months, you're already having serious problems with him. Unfortunately, we warned you about this in your previous threads. It's not going to get better in the long-term. He seems to concerned about his own needs to care about yours. You're the only one doing the compromising. He's just reverting back to his true nature.

 

Sorry, but I don't see this ending well at all for you. Start looking out for yourself and stop tolerating this type of mistreatment. Stop accepting his unpredictable inconsistency and stop doing everything on his terms. He's not going to suddenly be the boyfriend you're looking for. You simply cannot force a square peg into a round hole.

[Lorenza]

I agree with you all, that I have let things be on his terms and it has now become a pattern. After his realization about his previous relationships and why they failed, I thought he'd do more to keep this one... But either his mental things (and now - health complications) come in the way, or he is just completely oblivious to what is an appropriate behavior somtimes. Because he's fully aware I've got option and can leave, but still doesn't cherish me.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I agree with you all, that I have let things be on his terms and it has now become a pattern. After his realization about his previous relationships and why they failed, I thought he'd do more to keep this one... But either his mental things (and now - health complications) come in the way, or he is just completely oblivious to what is an appropriate behavior somtimes. Because he's fully aware I've got option and can leave, but still doesn't cherish me.

 

 

Actually I can see two reasons for that last statement:

 

1 he doesn't believe you ever WOULD just leave

2 he feels that if you did, he wouldn't care very much anyway.

 

It's tempting to reach for option 3 'it's his disorder' because that's the option that lets you believe that he does care deeply for you and it's just his health getting in the way. But more realistically I agree with others on the thread. He doesn't respect or appreciate you, and is used to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and knows you'll put up with it.

 

I mean the until 7am and being eight hours late hanging out with you cos he 'needed time with his buddies' thing... Jeez, I'd have been gone. If you want a late night with your friends great, knock yourself out, let's not plan to see one another. But to have me give up my night waiting for 11pm when we are due to hang out then keep me waiting EIGHT hours... It's a matter of how much you respect yourself and your time. You're letting him get away with way too much and making excuses based on his health.

[elaine567]

He keeps showing you who he is and you keep excusing him and trying to "change" him, which he "kind of" listens to, but he quickly returns to who he is again.

 

He is blowing hot and cold here, and hot and cold is NEVER a good sign.

How can you ever relax, not knowing which side he will present to you today?

It is messing with your head.

YOU may love him but it is obvious that he doesn't love you, you are just a convenient support system which he uses and abuses at will.

 

No-one cherishes a door mat.

He knows no matter how badly he acts, good old Lorenza will be there waiting to come help, at a moment's notice.

Even if she does get annoyed, a few platitudes, a few ILYs, a promise to change and she is back on board...

[Fruitee]

Why you never spend any time at his place?

[Fruitee]

I hate to say this but you are giving him the bf/gf experience and he is treating you like a side chick. Read some articles and it might help you to see the light. But you really should stop this relationship. He has manipulated you to it. AND you are unhappy. Your needs are not being met. You will end up just like I was if you keep going on like that. You deserve someone better. Leave him. Find true love and happiness. Dont stay and waste your time with him. He will never change.

[Lorenza]

Why you never spend any time at his place?

 

We do sometimes, but it's not very comfortable cause there's so many people sharing the apartment. I, on the other hand live in my spacious house, so it's more free here

[Fruitee]

^ Makes sense.

 

Well I hope you too will be able to work your stuff out. But you have to be strong! Dont let him treat you like plan B and option. When you can be someones plan A and priority.

[Timshel]

We do sometimes, but it's not very comfortable cause there's so many people sharing the apartment. I, on the other hand live in my spacious house, so it's more free here

 

So much caring and insight in this thread and ^THIS^ is your choice to address? :roll eyes: Well, I appreciate reading it anyway....good stuff.

 

I hope you are able to do what is best for yourself Lorenza. Take care.

[No_Go]

Lorenza, is your BF drinking a lot or using drugs? I'm asking because my alcoholic ex behaved somewhat similarly (hot/cold, scattered, would tell me he codes till late at night, have insomnia). when I moved in with him i discovered it was ALL side effects of his alcoholism. His schedule was inverted because he'll stay up to drink till 5 am (in our living room!), and when doing so, he didn't want me to be around...

 

I could be totally wrong but the similarity is significant.

[spriggan2]

Barely 6 months? At the very least take a break and start seeing other people. Or just do you for a minute. Doesn't sound like things are going to get better anytime soon. Killing yourself for someone you can't trust not to keep hurting you....been there. Leaving felt like death. 2 months later thank god I'm out.

[Lorenza]

So much caring and insight in this thread and ^THIS^ is your choice to address? :roll eyes: Well, I appreciate reading it anyway....good stuff.

 

I hope you are able to do what is best for yourself Lorenza. Take care.

 

I'm sorry, I'll answer to all of the posters, but I'm helping my dad with moving and only managed to address the shortest one yet

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, he is treating you like a side chick while you are giving him complete and utter bf experience. Stop that for sure.

 

I don't want to kick you when you are down but now you are throwing in his past relationships as an excuse and factoring it into his and your reasoning. You are putting too many variables into your reasoning.

 

Keep it simple: he is not treating you like he is making an investment into a future with you. He doesn't treat you well and you are not happy. Period. End of story. The rest is all fluff. Even if there is the tiniest bit of truth to these excuses, if you buy into them, you are excusing behavior that ultimately is not GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU and will not work long term.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza you have created five different threads since January (this year) about this guy and how unhappy and heartbroken you are much of the time ...hot/cold, back and forth, up and down.

 

I recall in one of those threads, you were flying high (literally) and then within HOURS, you posted again saying you spoke too soon and proceeded to tell us how, after expressing a simple need, he lashed out at you in a very harsh way, and then ignored you for the rest of the night despite your many attempts to reach out and "make nice."

 

These threads have gone on for pages and pages, essentially expressing the same things as are being expressed in this thread.

 

What is wrong with the this picture? How long can you go on this way?

 

You are addicted, similar to playing slots in Vegas, you keep playing wondering/hoping when you will get the good stuff!

 

After which you are on a literal high, and then soon after when he starts ignoring, putting you on backburner, treating you like utter crap again, you are back to being in the depth of despair.

 

After one episode, you had a panic attack and had to be rushed to the hospital!

 

Lorenza come on girl.... if you don't take steps to get stronger and leave this toxic situation, it will eventually destroy you.... and I mean that quite literally.

Edited March 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

Actually I can see two reasons for that last statement:

 

1 he doesn't believe you ever WOULD just leave

2 he feels that if you did, he wouldn't care very much anyway.

 

It's tempting to reach for option 3 'it's his disorder' because that's the option that lets you believe that he does care deeply for you and it's just his health getting in the way. But more realistically I agree with others on the thread. He doesn't respect or appreciate you, and is used to doing whatever he wants whenever he wants and knows you'll put up with it.

 

I mean the until 7am and being eight hours late hanging out with you cos he 'needed time with his buddies' thing... Jeez, I'd have been gone. If you want a late night with your friends great, knock yourself out, let's not plan to see one another. But to have me give up my night waiting for 11pm when we are due to hang out then keep me waiting EIGHT hours... It's a matter of how much you respect yourself and your time. You're letting him get away with way too much and making excuses based on his health.

 

It's the probably option nr 1 mixed with option nr 3 - he doesn't think I'll leave and he doesn't really understand that his actions are wrong. But I do agree that he lacks some basic understanding about respect in relationship. When he was supposed to come back at 23, he later texted that their board game took longer than expected and he'll come even later. Then his buddy didn't have any train connection home so my bf hanged out with him until his train came.

 

When I texted him that this wasn't polite and that not only he blew me off but also kinda ruined my night sleep, because I couldn't fall asleep knowing that someone's gonna come into my room any moment (I'm a sensitive sleeper), he texted something in the lines off: "I'm having a good time, be happy for me instead", "I really needed to relax from all the pre-surgery stress" and "Why do I even have to explain so in depth, feels like I'm married".

At the end he just said that he understands if I'm mad but doesn't want a further discussion and I let it go, not wanting to give him hard time a day before his surgery. I was really upset deep inside though and thought he acted so incredibly immature.

 

Yes, I let him get away with this, but I just couldn't force myself to give him a piece of my mind before the surgery :/

[Lorenza]

Lorenza you have created five different threads since January (this year) about this guy and how unhappy and heartbroken you are much of the time ...hot/cold, back and forth, up and down.

 

I recall in one of those threads, you were flying high (literally) and then within HOURS, you posted again saying you spoke too soon and proceeded to tell us how, after expressing a simple need, he lashed out at you in a very harsh way, and then ignored you for the rest of the night despite your many attempts to reach out and "make nice."

 

These threads have gone on for pages and pages, essentially expressing the same things as are being expressed in this thread.

 

What is wrong with the this picture? How long can you go on this way?

 

You are addicted, similar to playing slots in Vegas, you keep playing wondering/hoping when you will get the good stuff!

 

After which you are on a literal high, and then soon after when he starts ignoring, putting you on backburner, treating you like utter crap again, you are back to being in the depth of despair.

 

After one episode, you had a panic attack and had to be rushed to the hospital!

 

Lorenza come on girl.... if you don't take steps to get stronger and leave this toxic situation, it will eventually destroy you.... and I mean that quite literally.

 

I don't have the panick attacks anymore and handle it calm this time.

The thing is that I'm a very gentle hearted person and I always feel this pity for people I'm close to. Also always tend to be the one to take care of crippled and broken things. I want to break up with him then I think about the things he got through and I'm like "awww poor him, how can I leave him". I literally can't feel anger and hatred for more than 10 min.

 

But I think that I will start taking steps towards ending it, cause indeed it is getting toxic. So tired of putting up with things..

[katiegrl]

He may or may not realize how hurtful his behavior is, but the fact remains that by continuing to tolerate it, excuse it, defend it ..."letting it go" as you say, for fear of *rocking the boat* .... or hurting HIM (shaking head).... he will NEVER realize how hurtful he is being, and will continue acting like a selfish ass, with no regard for how you feel or your needs.

 

I actually happen to believe he DOES know how hurtful he is, but since he knows you will always "let it go" ... always be there forgiving him, etc, he has ZERO motivation to change anything!

 

Your behavior is actually fostering the very behavior (hurtful, selfish, insensitive) in him you want to stop!

 

And until YOU change, it will always be this way, probably get worse even, until you have literally no self esteem left at all, and are a mere shell of your former self.

 

I am being perfectly serious too.... as this is precisely what has happened to many many women who have experienced the same thing in their relationships.

 

Good luck though, wish you well.

Edited March 26, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

He may or may not realize how hurtful his behavior is, but the fact remains that by continuing to tolerate it, excuse it, defend it ..."letting it go" as you say, for fear if *rocking the boat* .... he will NEVER realize how hurtful he is being, and will continue acting like a selfish ass, with no regard for how you feel or your needs.

 

I actually happen to believe he DOES know how hurtful he is, but since he knows you will always "let it go" ... always be there forgiving him, etc, he has ZERO motivation to change anything!

 

Your behavior is actually fostering the very behavior in him you want to stop!

 

And until YOU change, it will always be this way, probably get worse even, until you have literally no self esteem left at all, and are a mere shell of your former self.

 

I am being perfectly serious too.... as this is precisely what has happened to many many women who have experienced the same thing in their relationships.

 

Good luck though, wish you well.

 

Yeah, I think so too. He know I'll let go and I think he puts himself in the first place so much that hurting my feelings loses the importance. Like "I need my alone time, I'm tired and wounded, ofc I deserve to act in a way that I want".

 

I know I need to stop being so soft, wish I had more of the sassy attitude other girls have and not so easy to manipulate into feeling pity.