Emotional carousel/I'm so tired. [update 2016-06-26]

[Kamille]

Thank you for your answers everybody.

I have now ended things with him. We exchanged nice and respectful messages, I told him to update me someday about his health and that maybe in the future we can still be friends and do those creative projects we planned to do, but right now I will take some time for myself and to heal and that I don't want to meet and talk anymore. He wrote that he wants me happiness and that he loves and cares about me and he's glad that I didn't close the doors to have some contact in the future.

 

So it ends. Now comes the feeling like hell for the next month part. It will be ok....

 

 

It will be ok. And yes the next few weeks will be hard. But I promise that you will be thankful you've left the carousel.

[losangelena]

To be clear, I don't think it's lame of him to not want a relationship, I think it is lame of him to basically say to you, either through words or actions, "I don't want the 'burden' of being your boyfriend, but I don't want to lose you, and if you let me, I'll still have sex with you." That part is lame.

[xpaperxcutx]

why are you having sex with him ????

You can have sex with plenty of guys and they will give you commitment; some guys will even before you have sex.

 

Let the loser go. Or else he's going to continue to sleep with you because you consent to FWB

[Lorenza]

To be clear, I don't think it's lame of him to not want a relationship, I think it is lame of him to basically say to you, either through words or actions, "I don't want the 'burden' of being your boyfriend, but I don't want to lose you, and if you let me, I'll still have sex with you." That part is lame.

 

We never said that when we talked about being friends. On Friday it just happened cause we got tipsy and missed each other, so it wasn't planned. But that won't happen again and now he knows that.

 

It's not for us to understand what "burden of being a boyfriend" means to that person, neither you or me have the ability to look into his perspective. Maybe it really is a burden for him right now, who am I to judge. My whole family was really understanding of his reasons and not even my dad was mad at him and he tends to spit fire at men who wrong me.

 

I just feel a big relief, sadness but also acceptance. It meant a lot to me that it didn't end ugly. I'm crying but I don't feel dirty inside, like after other breakups.

[katiegrl]

JMO, but I think you should feel angry right now, that would actually be a healthy response.

 

This man has essentially jerked you around pretty much from the get go, manipulated you, to which you yourself agreed he has, and using his now-in-remission cancer to play victim to get you to feel sorry for him!

 

Wah wah poor me, don't pressure me, feel sorry for me!

 

And you are still feeling sorry for him... saying you could never feel angry at a man who has had such a tough life, etc. Ugh.

 

When are you going to start putting *your* needs first?

 

When are you going to start making *yourself* a priority?

 

You should be furious, this man used you, manipulated you, and he still wants to use you, had you allowed it.

 

No I am sorry, there is nothing "nice" about this man at all, he is a manipulator, who doesn't deserve anything from you, friendship or otherwise.

 

I figured that out two months ago on your very first thread ... and said so!

 

I am very glad you have chosen to not see him and walk away.

 

Please block him, so that when he texts you when he is lonely or horny, which he will, you won't be tempted to go back.

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

We never said that when we talked about being friends. On Friday it just happened cause we got tipsy and missed each other, so it wasn't planned. But that won't happen again and now he knows that.

 

It's not for us to understand what "burden of being a boyfriend" means to that person, neither you or me have the ability to look into his perspective. Maybe it really is a burden for him right now, who am I to judge. My whole family was really understanding of his reasons and not even my dad was mad at him and he tends to spit fire at men who wrong me.

 

I just feel a big relief, sadness but also acceptance. It meant a lot to me that it didn't end ugly. I'm crying but I don't feel dirty inside, like after other breakups.

 

I just read this^^ after my last post.

 

Fair enough.

 

Good luck moving forward Lorenza.

 

Take care.

[Lorenza]

JMO, but I think you should feel angry right now, that would actually be a healthy response.

 

This man has essentially jerked you around pretty much from the get go, manipulated you, to which you yourself agreed he has, and using his now-in-remission cancer to play victim to get you to feel sorry for him!

 

Wah wah poor me, don't pressure me, feel sorry for me!

 

And you are still feeling sorry for him... saying you could never feel angry at a man who has had such a tough life, etc. Ugh.

 

When are you going to start putting *your* needs first?

 

When are you going to start making *yourself* a priority?

 

You should be furious, this man used you, manipulated you, and he still wants to use you, had you allowed it.

 

No I am sorry, there is nothing "nice" about this man at all, he is a manipulator, who doesn't deserve anything from you, friendship or otherwise.

 

I figured that out two months ago on your very first thread ... and said so!

 

I am very glad you have chosen to not see him and walk away.

 

Please block him, so that when he texts you when he is lonely or horny, which he will, you won't be tempted to go back.

 

Maybe it's just me, but this just sound very surprisingly cruel to me. A person with a in-remission cancer is someone to feel sorry about.

 

No, I'm not angry or furious and I won't be - call me weird if you want but that's just how I am. These emotions don't have place in my life. How would feeling something that's not characteristic for me would make me a priority to myself?

 

Probably it was obvious from my very first thread 2 months ago that he is not investing and deep inside I knew it all along. But it still doesn't make anyone an evil manipulator (though I'm sure there are plenty of cases when it does). I'm telling again - even my protective dad was calm about this situation, cause they met many times and he is a good judge of who's not a decent person. Sometimes people fail, let them.

 

So yeah, I'm walking away, but nope, I won't be angry, block or curse him (though I limited social medias to not see his content). I will just not talk to him until I heal and my love turns into just care about him as a person who I was once close to.

[Lorenza]

I just read this^^ after my last post.

 

Fair enough.

 

Good luck moving forward Lorenza.

 

Take care.

 

And I read this ^^ only after my last post too Thanks Katie.

[xpaperxcutx]

Maybe it's just me, but this just sound very surprisingly cruel to me. A person with a in-remission cancer is someone to feel sorry about.

 

No, I'm not angry or furious and I won't be - call me weird if you want but that's just how I am. These emotions don't have place in my life. How would feeling something that's not characteristic for me would make me a priority to myself?

 

Probably it was obvious from my very first thread 2 months ago that he is not investing and deep inside I knew it all along. But it still doesn't make anyone an evil manipulator (though I'm sure there are plenty of cases when it does). I'm telling again - even my protective dad was calm about this situation, cause they met many times and he is a good judge of who's not a decent person. Sometimes people fail, let them.

 

So yeah, I'm walking away, but nope, I won't be angry, block or curse him (though I limited social medias to not see his content). I will just not talk to him until I heal and my love turns into just care about him as a person who I was once close to.

 

And a good guy wouldn't string you along. Cancer or not.

 

 

The fact that he knew that you had feelings and that you wanted something more but still gave you the same BS line about remaining friends, yet still slept with you, doesn't make him a good guy. It makes him a guy.

 

 

You don't have to feel angry if those are not the emotions you want, but from woman to woman, I really do not want to see you get hurt.

 

 

I'm glad to hear you cut him off though. And trust me, if he was a "good friend", he wouldn't have pulled the BS on you. Let him sort out his issues, because you're absolutely better for the next guy who wants a relationship.

[Gaeta]

You excuse him way too much because of his cancer. He is not special because he had cancer. Having had cancer does not give him the right to use and mislead people.

 

He mislead you, period. We have all of your threads about him as reference. All those days waiting for a reply back from him, all those times he told you nothing was wrong....not misleading you you said!

 

Next man will open your eyes on why this one here is not special.

[Lorenza]

You excuse him way too much because of his cancer. He is not special because he had cancer. Having had cancer does not give him the right to use and mislead people.

 

He mislead you, period. We have all of your threads about him as reference. All those days waiting for a reply back from him, all those times he told you nothing was wrong....not misleading you you said!

 

Next man will open your eyes on why this one here is not special.

 

He actually said sorry and that I deserve to be treated better. Also, that he thought he got blinded by me and went ahead without thinking about consequences and many times thought there is a magical way for him to make it work for himself. No blame was put on me - he took it on himself and said he wants me to be happy. Fair enough - we can't go back in time to not date (both got crazy in love too fast) but I can at least take an apology.

 

There is always someone better and more special who will make me forget the previous one. This one gave me something positive - I finally started believing in my talents and looks. He gave me confidence in those things so I'll take that positive input and thank him for it, also for a lesson to not force bits together if they dont fit.

[Gaeta]

He actually said sorry and that I deserve to be treated better. Also, that he thought he got blinded by me and went ahead without thinking about consequences and many times thought there is a magical way for him to make it work for himself. No blame was put on me - he took it on himself and said he wants me to be happy. Fair enough - we can't go back in time to not date (both got crazy in love too fast) but I can at least take an apology.

Absolutely take the apology. It takes humility to apologize and he is giving you something to help find closure.

 

He gave me confidence in those things so I'll take that positive input and thank him for it, also for a lesson to not force bits together if they dont fit.

 

You are an intelligent beautiful young woman, don't give your time and love to anyone not treating you like gold.

[katiegrl]

You excuse him way too much because of his cancer. He is not special because he had cancer. Having had cancer does not give him the right to use and mislead people.

 

He mislead you, period. We have all of your threads about him as reference. All those days waiting for a reply back from him, all those times he told you nothing was wrong....not misleading you you said!

 

Next man will open your eyes on why this one here is not special.

 

This ^^ and I am also wondering ...does your dad know all the cruel things he has said and done, all the broken promises, all the times he stood you up while you sat at home waiting for him, crying your eyes out?

 

Does your dad know you had to be rushed to emergency because you had not heard from him and he was ignoring all your numerous text messages?

 

And no I am sorry, I am a very very caring person too, but I don't feel sorry for anyone who treats me that way, just because they HAD cancer ten years ago.

 

Having HAD cancer in the past or a tough life does not give someone license to treat people like crap, use them and manipulate them.... and it certainly does not warrant sympathy from the person being treated as such.

 

That is a very dysfunctional and unhealthy way to think... and indicates the person has very low self worth and self esteem.

 

Please think about that otherwise you will continue to attract this same type of men to you, and continue your pattern of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships.

 

No one is faulting him for not being able to invest.

 

We are faulting him because he treated you very very badly, cruelly, mislead you, and manipulated you, for MONTHS ... until HE was done and then he dumped you.

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lorenza]

This ^^ and I am also wondering ...does your dad know all the cruel things he has said and done, all the broken promises, all the times he stood you up while you sat at home waiting for him, crying your eyes out?

 

Does your dad know you had to be rushed to emergency because you had not heard from him and he was ignoring all your numerous text messages?

 

And no I am sorry, I am a very very caring person too, but I don't feel sorry for anyone who treats me that way, just because they HAD cancer ten years ago.

 

Having HAD cancer in the past or a tough life does not give someone license to treat people like crap, use them and manipulate them.... and it certainly does not warrant sympathy from the person being treated as such.

 

That is a very dysfunctional and unhealthy way to think... and indicates the person has very low self worth and self esteem.

 

Please think about that otherwise you will continue to attract this same type of men to you, and continue your pattern of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships.

 

No one is faulting him for not being able to invest.

 

We are faulting him because he treated you very very badly, cruelly, mislead you, and manipulated you, for MONTHS ... until HE was done and then he dumped you.

 

Katie, with all respect I think what you say is an very exaggerating. I do feel like he wasn't fair to both me and himself but not what you wrote here. I would like you to stop trying to paint this with dark colors and make me feel worse than I do already. I choose to not see it that way based on my real life interaction with this guy. He's a good guy, completely sucks at relations. Instead of dealing with my emotions and overcoming my sadness, I have to justify why I'm not furious and angry...

 

I wont poison myself with such negative emotions and will always choose forgiveness over condemning (except really nasty cases). I don't intend to change.

[katiegrl]

Katie, with all respect I think what you say is an very exaggerating. I do feel like he wasn't fair to both me and himself but not what you wrote here. I would like you to stop trying to paint this with dark colors and make me feel worse than I do already. I choose to not see it that way based on my real life interaction with this guy. He's a good guy, completely sucks at relations. Instead of dealing with my emotions and overcoming my sadness, I have to justify why I'm not furious and angry...

 

I wont poison myself with such negative emotions and will always choose forgiveness over condemning (except really nasty cases). I don't intend to change.

 

I always choose forgiveness too ....eventually.

 

But first it is important to deal with the reality of what happened, even IF those emotions are negative.

 

Breakups are very difficult, we all go through them, going from hurt, anger, back to hurt, back to anger, then after we process all those negative emotions, we end up with forgiveness.

 

That is healthy!

 

What is unhealthy IMO is suppressing negative emotions, which is personally what I think you are doing, as you admitted yourself you are incapable of feeling anger... even when you KNOW that anger is warranted.

 

Suppressing negative or any other emotions is so unhealthy, I know as I was the same way for many years.

 

I ended up being diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder as a result, had a breakdown after my parents died, because I had even suppressed *those* emotions (their deaths)..

 

Now through therapy, I don't suppress my emotions anymore, negative or otherwise, and when someone hurts me, jerks me around, and/or manipulates me or those I care about, it makes me angry!

 

Just like I am angry now at how this guy treated you. Even though you are not.

 

I don't rewrite history, minimizing the reality of what went down, because I can't deal with negative emotions.

 

And no I was not exaggerating. Everything I posted in my pervious post happened, re-read your own threads and posts.

 

Anyway, I am glad he apologized.

 

This will be my last post.

 

Good luck moving forward.

 

ETA: I find it ironic that now you say you don't want anything negative in your life (like reading my *negative* posts) when during the five months you dated him, HE caused you nothing but negative emotions 99% of the time .... yet you willingly chose to stay with him regardless.

 

And if he had not dumped you, you would still be with him... dealing with negative emotions. Why is that?

 

I don't mean to make you feel worse honestly, I just want you to face reality so you don't find yourself in this same situation again... or having this manifest into something worse (like anxiety, depression) later, which often happens when we suppress certain emotions we don't wish to deal with at the time.

Edited April 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

JMO, but I think you should feel angry right now, that would actually be a healthy response.

 

This man has essentially jerked you around pretty much from the get go, manipulated you, to which you yourself agreed he has, and using his now-in-remission cancer to play victim to get you to feel sorry for him!

 

Wah wah poor me, don't pressure me, feel sorry for me!

 

And you are still feeling sorry for him... saying you could never feel angry at a man who has had such a tough life, etc. Ugh.

 

When are you going to start putting *your* needs first?

 

When are you going to start making *yourself* a priority?

 

You should be furious, this man used you, manipulated you, and he still wants to use you, had you allowed it.

 

No I am sorry, there is nothing "nice" about this man at all, he is a manipulator, who doesn't deserve anything from you, friendship or otherwise.

 

I figured that out two months ago on your very first thread ... and said so!

 

I am very glad you have chosen to not see him and walk away.

 

Please block him, so that when he texts you when he is lonely or horny, which he will, you won't be tempted to go back.

 

 

 

Yeah, there is actually a poster on this site who I am friends with in real life, he lives in the OPs part of the world and he DOES NOT use his "remission of cancer" as a lame excuse to jerk women around!

 

He is actually very loving and keen for a relationship despite his "cancer" and hardships he has faced.

 

So not all men who have had "cancer" treat women like poo.

 

My neighbour had cancer and we had a "thing". He was kind of a jerk but the thing about him was, he never promised me a relationship, he was honest, and he NEVER WANTED PITTY! What a unattractive trait:sick: He was a go getter and the LAST thing he wanted was to be felt sorry for

 

He was rather inspirational in that sense. Despite the fact he was "seeing a girl" and started sleeping with me when he knew they weren't working.

 

So cancer or not cancer.... Treating people like cr@p is always on the person who does it.

 

I get mad and angry because of a few mental health issues that can make life and interpersonal relationships UNBEARABLE for me, and I DO treat some people like cr@p and I feel AWFUL about it, and I NEVER blame my " mental health issues " as an "excuse":sick: It was MY fault plain and simple.

 

People who use their illnesses as an excuse for manipulating women/ treating them like crap/ saying " it ios not you it is me, let's be friends :lmao:" (all the while persuing other women), Make me sick:sick:

 

This guy may not be an awful person, but he is certainly not a very self aware one (I doubt he actually knows he is full o ****e, he prob believes what he says, and is just selfish without acknowledging it)

 

My ex was the same. A selfish jerk but not a BAD person, he had the full capacity to love too. He was simply not even AWARE that he was treating me like an option, and that I was entirely a girlfriend out of convenience. Men DO NOT always know what they are doing!

 

I am sure the OPs guy is not a bad guy and is unaware of his manipulation tactics. Men get butt hurt and even cut when their exes, who they WERE NOT that into, move on to other men - it is still their territory hence why the OPs guy still doesn't want her to have OTHERS, yet is not in love with HER either nor want her for himself.....

 

but yeah... the OP should tell him to quit the pitty party and stop using it as an excuse:sick:

[Leigh 87]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

How awful:sick:

 

You must be feeling terrible.

 

This sort of heartache, once it dissipates (which you KNOW it will), it actually makes you a better person... You will be hardened and less naive and better able to find the right kind of guys to date. Plus everyday life will feel like a real breeze once you are healed, in contrast to the hell you are now enduring (again, I am so sorry for your loss:()

 

I am sure you are dying to just "know" how he felt/feels about you, as it is in contrast to the fantasy you wished to believe ( that you were both in love and had something romantically worthwhile)

 

Well lets explore the possible options. The only options available, so you can well and truly close this chapter:

 

-He was NOT in love with you (and ever was, men fall fast or never at all)

- Or, he WAS in love and quickly changed his feelings once he got to know the real you (so he was infatuated and fell " in love" but fell straight back out of love when you spent enough time together and the rose tinted glasses came off and he got to know the real you as opposed to the fantasy of you)

-OR, he has a limited ability to love. Period. Lacking empathy perhaps. men have varying degrees with which they can FEEL emotions. So it is entirely possible that this guy loved you as MUCH as he can love a woman.

 

SO whichever way he felt or feels - IT IS NOT ENOUGH to EVER sustain a relationship. It is over. It is definately well and truly over, so no silly fantasies of re conciliation, okies? Imagine the right guy in your dreams coming along instead *when you are ready of course.....

 

I also relate to your defence of the guy; my exe ex "Andrew" who I wrote like 20 million threads about years ago, was NOT a bad person. He actually defended strangers who were getting picked on and loved dogs and you could see his empathy was just as acute as an emotionally deep person.

 

He was still a jerk to me though and a thoughtless pr*ck. Would use me for total convenience without giving me jack sh*t in return.

 

So I look back at our time together with a lot of love, and it makes me feel like I have REALLY lived! I have had a great dating life, it has filled me with such rich experiences. To live a life without such experiences would not be a life well lived; I am sure glad I had such a great tapestry of dating woes and broken relationships that taught me so much about myself and what I DO NOT want in a partner:lmao:I think you have the right attitude to not be harbouring any resentments.... But you should STILL acknowledge one day that he WAS an insensitive and selfish jerk. You SHOULD be mad!

 

Heck, my " Andrew" ex ex bf whom I wrote about on here used hookers. Lots of them. Then had the audacity to justify it by saying that men " need varity and will never be satified with the one Pus*y " :rolleyes:

I am not even angry or mad NOW nor was I after the initial break up but I WAS at one stage and so should you be at your ex! People make mistakes and it is heathier to express your distaste and anger them!

 

Just take your time to process what happened. He WAS a jerk, but I am sure he is not an awful person and he does care for you!

 

He just does not care in the right way for you. You need a guy who is fully emotionally present and into you in a romantic sense and is selfless enough to give you the love that you deserve!

 

Good luck, I really feel badly for you right now and angry towards the guy but at the same time, I sense and have a gut feeling that he is just like me ex - not a bad guy but just not the right guy for you (or maybe any emotionally available woman!)

[Lorenza]

Yeah, there is actually a poster on this site who I am friends with in real life, he lives in the OPs part of the world and he DOES NOT use his "remission of cancer" as a lame excuse to jerk women around!

 

He is actually very loving and keen for a relationship despite his "cancer" and hardships he has faced.

 

So not all men who have had "cancer" treat women like poo.

 

My neighbour had cancer and we had a "thing". He was kind of a jerk but the thing about him was, he never promised me a relationship, he was honest, and he NEVER WANTED PITTY! What a unattractive trait:sick: He was a go getter and the LAST thing he wanted was to be felt sorry for

 

He was rather inspirational in that sense. Despite the fact he was "seeing a girl" and started sleeping with me when he knew they weren't working.

 

So cancer or not cancer.... Treating people like cr@p is always on the person who does it.

 

I get mad and angry because of a few mental health issues that can make life and interpersonal relationships UNBEARABLE for me, and I DO treat some people like cr@p and I feel AWFUL about it, and I NEVER blame my " mental health issues " as an "excuse":sick: It was MY fault plain and simple.

 

People who use their illnesses as an excuse for manipulating women/ treating them like crap/ saying " it ios not you it is me, let's be friends :lmao:" (all the while persuing other women), Make me sick:sick:

 

This guy may not be an awful person, but he is certainly not a very self aware one (I doubt he actually knows he is full o ****e, he prob believes what he says, and is just selfish without acknowledging it)

 

My ex was the same. A selfish jerk but not a BAD person, he had the full capacity to love too. He was simply not even AWARE that he was treating me like an option, and that I was entirely a girlfriend out of convenience. Men DO NOT always know what they are doing!

 

I am sure the OPs guy is not a bad guy and is unaware of his manipulation tactics. Men get butt hurt and even cut when their exes, who they WERE NOT that into, move on to other men - it is still their territory hence why the OPs guy still doesn't want her to have OTHERS, yet is not in love with HER either nor want her for himself.....

 

but yeah... the OP should tell him to quit the pitty party and stop using it as an excuse:sick:

 

Well he never used his cancer as a mean to get my pity. He only told me how it felt and how it affected him as a person. I do believe that it's highly traumatizing to know that you've got something that doesn't have a big survival percent. He did also name a few times that he feels like a ticking bomb and that he is afraid to die and doesn't know if he even has a future that he is trying to create for himself by studying and trying to achieve his goals. Also, there were times he had irrational fears and anxiety, telling me weird things like: "I feel like the time is running out".

 

Talking about your feelings is not playing the pity party. Are only women supposed to be weak and afraid? The fact that so many people here condemn him is beyond me. Yes, he really sucked as a boyfriend. But he is not just a boyfriend, he is also a fellow human being and I do not only judge him based on how he was as a boyfriend. And he had good sides as everyone does.

 

Right now what makes me angry is how people even have the gut to say things like: "Oh boohoo, he had cancer and almost died but how dares he to be traumatized by it. We're just gonna condemn him as a selfish jerk because he wasn't a good boyfriend". Come on people, have some sympathy. I understand women side up with a fellow woman, but I don't need to feel like a victim in this situation to feel better.

 

I am sad and brokenhearted but I don't feel like a victim of an evil manipulator. I just feel like I've been mislead by a guy who wasn't good at this relationship, selfish for most times but at the same time very unstable in his moods and deeply traumatized by his past.

[Lorenza]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

How awful:sick:

 

You must be feeling terrible.

 

This sort of heartache, once it dissipates (which you KNOW it will), it actually makes you a better person... You will be hardened and less naive and better able to find the right kind of guys to date. Plus everyday life will feel like a real breeze once you are healed, in contrast to the hell you are now enduring (again, I am so sorry for your loss:()

 

I am sure you are dying to just "know" how he felt/feels about you, as it is in contrast to the fantasy you wished to believe ( that you were both in love and had something romantically worthwhile)

 

Well lets explore the possible options. The only options available, so you can well and truly close this chapter:

 

-He was NOT in love with you (and ever was, men fall fast or never at all)

- Or, he WAS in love and quickly changed his feelings once he got to know the real you (so he was infatuated and fell " in love" but fell straight back out of love when you spent enough time together and the rose tinted glasses came off and he got to know the real you as opposed to the fantasy of you)

-OR, he has a limited ability to love. Period. Lacking empathy perhaps. men have varying degrees with which they can FEEL emotions. So it is entirely possible that this guy loved you as MUCH as he can love a woman.

 

SO whichever way he felt or feels - IT IS NOT ENOUGH to EVER sustain a relationship. It is over. It is definately well and truly over, so no silly fantasies of re conciliation, okies? Imagine the right guy in your dreams coming along instead *when you are ready of course.....

 

I also relate to your defence of the guy; my exe ex "Andrew" who I wrote like 20 million threads about years ago, was NOT a bad person. He actually defended strangers who were getting picked on and loved dogs and you could see his empathy was just as acute as an emotionally deep person.

 

He was still a jerk to me though and a thoughtless pr*ck. Would use me for total convenience without giving me jack sh*t in return.

 

So I look back at our time together with a lot of love, and it makes me feel like I have REALLY lived! I have had a great dating life, it has filled me with such rich experiences. To live a life without such experiences would not be a life well lived; I am sure glad I had such a great tapestry of dating woes and broken relationships that taught me so much about myself and what I DO NOT want in a partner:lmao:I think you have the right attitude to not be harbouring any resentments.... But you should STILL acknowledge one day that he WAS an insensitive and selfish jerk. You SHOULD be mad!

 

Heck, my " Andrew" ex ex bf whom I wrote about on here used hookers. Lots of them. Then had the audacity to justify it by saying that men " need varity and will never be satified with the one Pus*y " :rolleyes:

I am not even angry or mad NOW nor was I after the initial break up but I WAS at one stage and so should you be at your ex! People make mistakes and it is heathier to express your distaste and anger them!

 

Just take your time to process what happened. He WAS a jerk, but I am sure he is not an awful person and he does care for you!

 

He just does not care in the right way for you. You need a guy who is fully emotionally present and into you in a romantic sense and is selfless enough to give you the love that you deserve!

 

Good luck, I really feel badly for you right now and angry towards the guy but at the same time, I sense and have a gut feeling that he is just like me ex - not a bad guy but just not the right guy for you (or maybe any emotionally available woman!)

 

I don't feel terrible.

I'm sad, can't see or hear anything that reminds me of him and still think through our good moments as the usual breakup goes, but it's somehow not a terrible feeling.

 

The guy I had before him dumped me in the harshest way possible and THAT made me feel like trash for at least 2 months after. I couldn't swallow a bite, didn't take care of myself and jumped to a OLD site almost immediately to regain some of self-esteem I've lost by how he treated me two weeks before he dumped me like I was nobody. But even that made me stronger and I grew to realize how wrong that bastard was.

 

But this time it hurts in a different way. It's like that feeling of something that cannot be helped.

 

Yeah, I feel kinda the same, that someone can be a jerk towards you, but you still realize he isn't a bad person. Guess people can't be good at everything and are often deluded and unaware of how their actions affect someone. I myself was an offender of that sort and ruined things for a guy without even realizing how demotivated he felt. All we can do is forgive each other (except some cases, hehe).

[No_Go]

Hey Lorenza,

 

Just one thing: don't accept FWB arrangement, under any circumstances; from personal experience FWB after a breakup is a very nasty arrangement (at least one of the parties expects something to change; I had an ex that I kept seeing post-break up for a while and he turned into stalker, threatened me with blackmail etc).

 

Else I don't think he was a terrible person; just the combination of the 2 of you was not right.

 

I've heard from old people that it is better NOT to marry your greatest love; people tend to obsess over feelings and emotions and forget the cruelty of the reality.

 

I wish you (and him) all the best, and hope you write soon about your new experiences in the dating whirlpool.

[katiegrl]

Lorenza, first off my apologies for my posts yesterday. Reading back, they *were* a bit harsh, and probably uncalled for, so I am sorry.

 

I still feel the same way, but I could have worded them differently, less bluntly.

 

You are a lovely caring person, I am glad you are not feeling bitter about this, bitterness is ugly and destroys our hearts.

 

My only fear for you now is that your forgiving and caring nature might allow for him to pull you back in, on a casual basis, or as No Go said, an FWB.

 

I think when he no longer feels the "pressure" of a RL, and is feeling lonely (and okay horny) he WILL contact you again for this reason. Can almost guarantee it.

 

We have all, or most of us, BTDT with these types of guys (commitment phobes).

 

This is why, IMO, he ended it on a positive note, flattering you, etc ...he wants to leave the door/option open for a possible FWB in the future.

 

I could be wrong, I hope so!

 

In any event, when/if he does I trust you will be strong enough and smart enough to not allow yourself to see him or fall back.

 

That's all hun....

 

Don't ever lose your forgiving and caring spirit. It IS a rarity these days.

 

One day you will find a man who appreciates it and won't take advantage of it... and love you with all his heart for it.

 

God bless sweetie and take good care.

 

And again, apologize for my hurtful posts yesterday.

 

I care.

[Lorenza]

Hey Lorenza,

 

Just one thing: don't accept FWB arrangement, under any circumstances; from personal experience FWB after a breakup is a very nasty arrangement (at least one of the parties expects something to change; I had an ex that I kept seeing post-break up for a while and he turned into stalker, threatened me with blackmail etc).

 

Else I don't think he was a terrible person; just the combination of the 2 of you was not right.

 

I've heard from old people that it is better NOT to marry your greatest love; people tend to obsess over feelings and emotions and forget the cruelty of the reality.

 

I wish you (and him) all the best, and hope you write soon about your new experiences in the dating whirlpool.

 

Yeah, I realized that FWB would be the worst possible desicion I could make right now and I would definitely be the one who expects a change. Also sorry to hear about your negative experience with seeing your ex post-breakup, guess it really messes with people's minds.

 

Thanks, although I don't think I'll be back to the dating whirpool for some time now Maybe just to play around with matches and stuff, but I'm so damn tired of having a breakup each year since 2014, hehe.

[No_Go]

You're right it is maybe better to take a break. Dating post-break up feels like 'self-validation' but it is kind of worthless usually if your feelings are still on.

 

Between my 1st and 2nd BF I took 8 months off the market and was doing on 'me-dates' every weekend, bike rides every night, took Spanish classes, drawing course... It wasn't a pity time at all:)

 

I'm sure you have interests that has been neglected in between relationships and breakups - well, now you're given the opportunity to explore them:)

 

Yeah, I realized that FWB would be the worst possible desicion I could make right now and I would definitely be the one who expects a change. Also sorry to hear about your negative experience with seeing your ex post-breakup, guess it really messes with people's minds.

 

Thanks, although I don't think I'll be back to the dating whirpool for some time now Maybe just to play around with matches and stuff, but I'm so damn tired of having a breakup each year since 2014, hehe.

[Lorenza]

Lorenza, first off my apologies for my posts yesterday. Reading back, they *were* a bit harsh, and probably uncalled for, so I am sorry.

 

I still feel the same way, but I could have worded them differently, less bluntly.

 

You are a lovely caring person, I am glad you are not feeling bitter about this, bitterness is ugly and destroys our hearts.

 

My only fear for you now is that your forgiving and caring nature might allow for him to pull you back in, on a casual basis, or as No Go said, an FWB.

 

I think when he no longer feels the "pressure" of a RL, and is feeling lonely (and okay horny) he WILL contact you again for this reason. Can almost guarantee it.

 

We have all, or most of us, BTDT with these types of guys (commitment phobes).

 

This is why, IMO, he ended it on a positive note, flattering you, etc ...he wants to leave the door/option open for a possible FWB in the future.

 

I could be wrong, I hope so!

 

In any event, when/if he does I trust you will be strong enough and smart enough to not allow yourself to see him or fall back.

 

That's all hun....

 

Don't ever lose your forgiving and caring spirit. It IS a rarity these days.

 

One day you will find a man who appreciates it and won't take advantage of it... and love you with all his heart for it.

 

God bless sweetie and take good care.

 

And again, apologize for my hurtful posts yesterday.

 

I care.

 

It's ok Katie, don't apologize - it was just your natural reaction and we all react differently. I agree that it looks like he might be back for some more uncommited sex or moral support. But I won't give in into that this time when I know for sure that he won't make me his girlfriend again. Feeling uncertain is the worst, but when everything is clear it's easier to withstand the temptation. The thought of him not considering me his girlfriend anymore have pushed me far away...

 

Thanks for wishing me well, I do still hope there is a man who won't be afraid to fully commit and consider me a priority. Though scandinavians are the true bachelors, lol.

[katiegrl]

It's ok Katie, don't apologize - it was just your natural reaction and we all react differently. I agree that it looks like he might be back for some more uncommited sex or moral support. But I won't give in into that this time when I know for sure that he won't make me his girlfriend again. Feeling uncertain is the worst, but when everything is clear it's easier to withstand the temptation. The thought of him not considering me his girlfriend anymore have pushed me far away...

 

Thanks for wishing me well, I do still hope there is a man who won't be afraid to fully commit and consider me a priority. Though scandinavians are the true bachelors, lol.

 

Appreciate your understanding Lorenza.

 

But with respect to your not going back *unless* he makes you his *girlfriend* again... please be very careful with this thinking.

 

Once the pressure is off, guarantee he is gonna start missing you (the attention, the sex) and could very believe he wants you back as his *girlfriend*.

 

He will try to convince you of this, he may even cry. Only to have you go back, things are great for a couple of weeks, until he starts feeling pressured again, suffocated and boxed in (which he will cuz he is a bonafide commitment phobe, clearly!) then the whole crazy thing starts all over again.

 

I am not kidding, this is very common with guys like him (again, commitment phobes).

 

These off and on relationships can sometimes go back and forth like this for years. It is VERY painful, mostly for the woman.

 

I have seen it among friends and read about it. More often than I care to think about.

 

Stories like this are all over this board as well.

 

So please think twice if this happens.

 

That is why I advised you earlier to block.

 

NOT to punish him, but so you won't be tempted to fall back should he contact you in the future wanting to make you his *girlfriend* again.. Or FWB or anything else.

 

Stay strong!

Edited April 4, 2016 by katiegrl