Emotional carousel/I'm so tired. [update 2016-06-26]

[Lorenza]

Appreciate your understanding Lorenza.

 

But with respect to your not going back *unless* he makes you his *girlfriend* again... please be very careful with this thinking.

 

Once the pressure is off, guarantee he is gonna start missing you (the attention, the sex) and could very believe he wants you back as his *girlfriend*.

 

He will try to convince you of this, he may even cry. Only to have you go back, things are great for a couple of weeks, until he starts feeling pressured again, suffocated and boxed in (which he will cuz he is a bonafide commitment phobe, clearly!) then the whole crazy thing starts all over again.

 

I am not kidding, this is very common with guys like him (again, commitment phobes).

 

These off and on relationships can sometimes go back and forth like this for years. It is VERY painful, mostly for the woman.

 

I have seen it among friends and read about it. More often than I care to think about.

 

Stories like this are all over this board as well.

 

So please think twice if this happens.

 

That is why I advised you earlier to block.

 

NOT to punish him, but so you won't be tempted to fall back should he contact you in the future wanting to make you his *girlfriend* again.. Or FWB or anything else.

 

Stay strong!

 

That's exactly what I was thinking about these days. What if he will change his mind and come back for more. Knowing how inconsistant he was and how many times he contradicted himself since we got together, it's very possible. When he's rested and has a lesser workload, he can be a totally different person, then he exhausts himself and the whole thing starts again.

 

What does piss me off, now when I think about it, it's that I kept on rambling on and on since the very beginning, how important commitment is to me, how ridiculous is that scandinavian men are afraid of it and prefer FWB even late in their 30s, how I hate that people breakup once the thrill is gone and don't want to work on each other anymore. He ALWAYS agreed, ALWAYS passionately claimed how cold and distant scandinavian girls are and that he's glad to have met a diffent girl (I'm not Italian btw, that was just a camouflage, I'm from Eastern Europe). 2 months in he introduced me to his family, 3 months in he said he'd move in with me straight away if he had a place of his own, even said that he wonders why no guy has married me yet cause I'm "totally marriage material". Even a month ago, when I had trouble with my landlord, he defended me and told me that if he had more space I could move in and stay as long as I want. And then suddenly he doesn't want a commitment, doesn't want to have to have any duties, we're not together anymore, despite countless times he claimed how he hates breakups and thinks people are spoiled for giving up too easy. All this changed after his surgery.

 

Thinking this through I do feel let down. After all he had a relationship with a Swedish girl for 4 years, they lived together and he cried for days when he didn't succeed to get her back. Despite all that he claimed that she was an average person, no interests, kinda reserved, his family didn't like her etc. Nothing like me, he claimed, a singer/pianist, pretty, passionate etc etc. But it's her he stayed with and wanted to get back and gave expensive presents (or maybe he lied) and me who he strang along for 6 months and dumped. No, I said I've got no resentment, but I do, clearly...

[katiegrl]

That's exactly what I was thinking about these days. What if he will change his mind and come back for more. Knowing how inconsistant he was and how many times he contradicted himself since we got together, it's very possible. When he's rested and has a lesser workload, he can be a totally different person, then he exhausts himself and the whole thing starts again.

 

What does piss me off, now when I think about it, it's that I kept on rambling on and on since the very beginning, how important commitment is to me, how ridiculous is that scandinavian men are afraid of it and prefer FWB even late in their 30s, how I hate that people breakup once the thrill is gone and don't want to work on each other anymore. He ALWAYS agreed, ALWAYS passionately claimed how cold and distant scandinavian girls are and that he's glad to have met a diffent girl (I'm not Italian btw, that was just a camouflage, I'm from Eastern Europe). 2 months in he introduced me to his family, 3 months in he said he'd move in with me straight away if he had a place of his own, even said that he wonders why no guy has married me yet cause I'm "totally marriage material". Even a month ago, when I had trouble with my landlord, he defended me and told me that if he had more space I could move in and stay as long as I want. And then suddenly he doesn't want a commitment, doesn't want to have to have any duties, we're not together anymore, despite countless times he claimed how he hates breakups and thinks people are spoiled for giving up too easy. All this changed after his surgery.

 

Thinking this through I do feel let down. After all he had a relationship with a Swedish girl for 4 years, they lived together and he cried for days when he didn't succeed to get her back. Despite all that he claimed that she was an average person, no interests, kinda reserved, his family didn't like her etc. Nothing like me, he claimed, a singer/pianist, pretty, passionate etc etc. But it's her he stayed with and wanted to get back and gave expensive presents (or maybe he lied) and me who he strang along for 6 months and dumped.

 

 

---

 

No, I said I've got no resentment, but I do, clearly...

 

^^Lorenza, these feelings are all perfectly normal and expected after a breakup.

 

You will feel a whirlwind of emotions, at least for a few weeks, or maybe even longer.

 

You will probably even go back to feeling sorry for him again at some point.

 

Then back to resentment and maybe even, gasp, anger.

 

It's okay!!!

 

Allow yourself to feel every one of those emotions, negative, positive, all of them.

 

Feeling all your emotions as opposed to suppressing them is important and helps in the healing process. After that, you will feel true forgiveness and no resentment.

 

Instead you will feel grateful for having had the experience... and learning from it.

 

Good luck sweetie, hang in there, you're doing great and have learned so much from this RL even though it didn't work out.

 

Feel free to PM me any time should you need to vent, chat, whatever.

 

Best of luck ....

Edited April 6, 2016 by katiegrl

[preraph]

A relationship comes with some responsibility. He's apparently not reached a point of maturing where he can take that on. I certainly wouldn't let him get used to thinking it's something you can live with by continuing to sleep with him. I doubt he'll hang around long if you don't and even if he tries to "be friends," he will still be unreliable and his way or no way. Would you put up with that from a female friend? I think you know what you have to do so you can move on. I'd tell him in order to move on and detach, you need to go no contact. I'd block him and I'd start dating other guys. If you ever get to the point where your time isn't valuable and you no longer have feelings for him, THEN if you want to be friendly acquaintances you can, but it will only mess up any BF relationships you have going.

[Lorenza]

Hey guys,

 

Lorenza here again. For those who are not familiar with my relationship story, short summary:

 

8 months with an artistic guy with a lighter form of ADHD and cancer survivor, handsome, funny and cool to be around. Says compliments and that he loves me, can be supportive and give good advice when needed, always lots of topics to talk about. Never criticizes me and is generally has a good heart. Sex is great and he never lacks lust.

 

But the relationship with him has been rocky. Broke up with me twice, has been too busy to be 100% involved, barely gives presents (he's broke, but not thaaat broke to not be able to get a little something), never initiates dates etc. We always have a good period for a while and then something happens and he shuts off. He doesn't talk about the future and as I understood doesn't want to get married. His priority is reaching personal goals. Short tempered and I'm afraid to ask the hard questions most of the time.

 

So after a really decent 2 months (I even started thinking that everything is changing for good - he was keen on meeting, even suggested an activity, talked a lot about how it would be nice to go on vacation with me in autumn), it started shifting towards worse now again. I moved in with my dad few months ago (we share a house and pay rent 50/50) and dad says he doesn't see any effort from my boyfriend. He says that from his view it looks like I'm just a comfortable side chick and as a man he sees no real interest from my boyfriend's side. From what my boyfriend told me about his ex girlfriends, he tried way harder with them. What annoys me is that my boyfriend doesn't help me to clean anymore either, just leaves his plates and cups all over the place, although he used to help with dishes before. He did laundry at my place today and hanged his own clothes only, leaving mine in the washing machine. He still brings some food and tries to buy vegan things and eat them with me, but it feels like it's a trouble for him, don't know why.

 

My dad took us out on Friday (dad's a generous and cool guy, he's almost like a friend to me) and paid for our drinks etc. Boyfriend didn't even say thanks to my dad. Ofc, he didn't ask for it, but still, it's polite to thank for it. What really hit me hard, is that the boyfriend got mad at me for not having sex last night. Even if I warned him, that I'm pmsy and not feeling sexual (we have a lot of sex normally). He was pushy (literally) and then got upset and went to sleep to another room (saying it's too hot). This morning we acted as if nothing, but I feel like he was insensitive and simply didn't get what he needed from me.

 

I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore, although I still love him. I'm completely useless when it comes to breaking up with anyone, it's 10000% better if a guy cuts it with me. It's just a pity for me, whenever I think about breaking up, I just remember all the good things about him and how fun it can be to be around him and how much we laugh. But he's totally not boyfriend material (or at least not with me... though he says he always sucked at relationships and has 5 big failures so far).

 

How to make myself take the step? I don't think low of myself or that I don't deserve better, but I'm just so incredibly sensitive and emotional. Damn it, I'm even concerned about hurting my cat's feelings if I ignore it.

Should I wait until pms passes, cause I'm extra emotional right now? How to force myself to end it? I just can't... Should I act the way that makes him end it? uggh why am I like this.

[ExpatInItaly]

Go back and re-read your previous threads. This guy has been hot and cold for a long time and consequently you've been hurting a long time.

 

You've been the one trying to make this work while your boyfriend came and went as he pleased. It's been easy for him to fall back on you.

 

Use that for motivation to end it. He won't be that upset in the end, because as I gather from your threads, he's not all that invested.

 

And no, this isn't you just being emotional. You're just finally realizing this isn't what a healthy relationship looks like. And no, you shouldn't just act in a way that makes him end it. Put on your Big Girl Pants and assert yourself and tell him it's better if you go your separate ways.

[despgirl]

Hey guys,

 

Lorenza here again. For those who are not familiar with my relationship story, short summary:

 

8 months with an artistic guy with a lighter form of ADHD and cancer survivor, handsome, funny and cool to be around. Says compliments and that he loves me, can be supportive and give good advice when needed, always lots of topics to talk about. Never criticizes me and is generally has a good heart. Sex is great and he never lacks lust.

 

But the relationship with him has been rocky. Broke up with me twice, has been too busy to be 100% involved, barely gives presents (he's broke, but not thaaat broke to not be able to get a little something), never initiates dates etc. We always have a good period for a while and then something happens and he shuts off. He doesn't talk about the future and as I understood doesn't want to get married. His priority is reaching personal goals. Short tempered and I'm afraid to ask the hard questions most of the time.

 

So after a really decent 2 months (I even started thinking that everything is changing for good - he was keen on meeting, even suggested an activity, talked a lot about how it would be nice to go on vacation with me in autumn), it started shifting towards worse now again. I moved in with my dad few months ago (we share a house and pay rent 50/50) and dad says he doesn't see any effort from my boyfriend. He says that from his view it looks like I'm just a comfortable side chick and as a man he sees no real interest from my boyfriend's side. From what my boyfriend told me about his ex girlfriends, he tried way harder with them. What annoys me is that my boyfriend doesn't help me to clean anymore either, just leaves his plates and cups all over the place, although he used to help with dishes before. He did laundry at my place today and hanged his own clothes only, leaving mine in the washing machine. He still brings some food and tries to buy vegan things and eat them with me, but it feels like it's a trouble for him, don't know why.

 

My dad took us out on Friday (dad's a generous and cool guy, he's almost like a friend to me) and paid for our drinks etc. Boyfriend didn't even say thanks to my dad. Ofc, he didn't ask for it, but still, it's polite to thank for it. What really hit me hard, is that the boyfriend got mad at me for not having sex last night. Even if I warned him, that I'm pmsy and not feeling sexual (we have a lot of sex normally). He was pushy (literally) and then got upset and went to sleep to another room (saying it's too hot). This morning we acted as if nothing, but I feel like he was insensitive and simply didn't get what he needed from me.

 

I feel like I don't want to be with him anymore, although I still love him. I'm completely useless when it comes to breaking up with anyone, it's 10000% better if a guy cuts it with me. It's just a pity for me, whenever I think about breaking up, I just remember all the good things about him and how fun it can be to be around him and how much we laugh. But he's totally not boyfriend material (or at least not with me... though he says he always sucked at relationships and has 5 big failures so far).

 

How to make myself take the step? I don't think low of myself or that I don't deserve better, but I'm just so incredibly sensitive and emotional. Damn it, I'm even concerned about hurting my cat's feelings if I ignore it.

Should I wait until pms passes, cause I'm extra emotional right now? How to force myself to end it? I just can't... Should I act the way that makes him end it? uggh why am I like this.

 

Hi Lorenza, sorry to hear you are hurting. Just wanted to say that I too have been in a situation where I had a hard time pulling the plug with my on/off ex bf. I finally did it a couple months ago and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER about everything in my life now. It was not easy and I do miss him like crazy, but I am so glad I took the step and ended this hopeless situation. I am now happy, have a new job, focusing on myself, lost weight and got fit, and going on lots of fun dates and meeting lots of fun people. Just some encouragement from my side - it is really great once you end it and block/delete the person out of your life!

[elaine567]

About time too. Sorry, but it is true.

YOU have made up enough excuses for this guy.

He is NOT the man for you, not even close.

[Lorenza]

I did it. We just calmly talked and he agreed with me that it's not working out. It's over... But I feel I so need to mourn this..

[Lorenza]

Can't believe it's over..

[ExpatInItaly]

You did the right thing, Lorezna. Good for you!

 

It will take some time to sink in, and you will have doubts. This is all normal. But one day, when you meet a guy who is interested and respects you, you will be glad you didn't' waste emotional space on your ex anymore.

[No_Go]

Can't believe it's over..

 

It was over long time ago... Just go back to your threads.

 

My two previous relationships ended that way... I mean multiple endings until the final one. Even in the end everything was looking better, things were broken from inside.

 

I think you give it a fair chance. You learned from it. Now is time to move on.

[Lorenza]

It was over long time ago... Just go back to your threads.

 

My two previous relationships ended that way... I mean multiple endings until the final one. Even in the end everything was looking better, things were broken from inside.

 

I think you give it a fair chance. You learned from it. Now is time to move on.

 

Yes, we talked that it didn't feel right for a while now

[Lorenza]

He also said that after we had several big fights in the beginning (when he moved in with his family and didn't have his own place anymore) something changed for him and he didn't feel like investing too much anymore. Which I think is just an excuse - he simply wasn't that in love with me after the initial fire faded. I think the feelings he had for me became just convenience and attachement. A man in love won't care about some fights in the beginning, they weren't even that huge, just due to pressure and weird situation we were in.

 

It just stings a bit to think how much he had done for his exes, even though they weren't as kind and invested as me. They helped them with photoshoots, making websites, buying flowers etc etc. He even wrote nice comments to them on facebook. To me it was just... coming over, giving some support and advice. Never got things he promised to me in the very beginning of the relationship, like him taking some professional pictures of me. I was an extra in his ad and he only included the footage of me in 0,5 sec. His ex was in his other ad and was basically the star of it (and I'm way better looking). He just wasn't so inlove with me, even though he says he loves me, I'm dear to him etc.

 

Just venting, but any distraction in form of a comment is very welcome right now

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing to remember here is that he gave signs a long time ago that he wasn't invested. That doesn't mean this is all your fault, but you can learn an important lesson here - actions speak louder than words. It is critical to look at the way people treat us, not the way we hope they will treat us.

 

As far as him doing so much more for other women, don't compare yourself. You're hearing one side of the situation, which is his. And he will of course paint himself in a great light. A couple nice FB comments mean nothing. You have no idea what type of boyfriend he really was to them. I have a feeling they probably rode the same merry-go-round with him that you did.

[Lorenza]

The thing to remember here is that he gave signs a long time ago that he wasn't invested. That doesn't mean this is all your fault, but you can learn an important lesson here - actions speak louder than words. It is critical to look at the way people treat us, not the way we hope they will treat us.

 

As far as him doing so much more for other women, don't compare yourself. You're hearing one side of the situation, which is his. And he will of course paint himself in a great light. A couple nice FB comments mean nothing. You have no idea what type of boyfriend he really was to them. I have a feeling they probably rode the same merry-go-round with him that you did.

 

I've seen the photoshoots with them, a couple of commercials they acted in etc. Surely they had the same rubber band relationships with him - he admitted that two exes broke it off because of him not spending enough time with them. There's only 1 girl he truly loved and it's the one he spent 4 years with and lived together. Probably she got his best version as it was pre-cancer. Well, I always date men who have already had love of their lives.

[No_Go]

Just a though but is his health still an issue? I mean if he's battling recidives, chemo, scarring etc, I don't think we can blame him for not being fully in a relationship. It is unfortunate but part of life...

 

Regarding exes - don't even bother comparing. You're very attractive and artistic type from what I remember, so the reason not to include you in his ads is probably nothing to do with you.

 

Seems like some guys freak out about fights/high drama GFs - not saying that you are one, but who knows what's in his head.

 

Time to look for new adventures, and... maybe new love.

 

He also said that after we had several big fights in the beginning (when he moved in with his family and didn't have his own place anymore) something changed for him and he didn't feel like investing too much anymore. Which I think is just an excuse - he simply wasn't that in love with me after the initial fire faded. I think the feelings he had for me became just convenience and attachement. A man in love won't care about some fights in the beginning, they weren't even that huge, just due to pressure and weird situation we were in.

 

It just stings a bit to think how much he had done for his exes, even though they weren't as kind and invested as me. They helped them with photoshoots, making websites, buying flowers etc etc. He even wrote nice comments to them on facebook. To me it was just... coming over, giving some support and advice. Never got things he promised to me in the very beginning of the relationship, like him taking some professional pictures of me. I was an extra in his ad and he only included the footage of me in 0,5 sec. His ex was in his other ad and was basically the star of it (and I'm way better looking). He just wasn't so inlove with me, even though he says he loves me, I'm dear to him etc.

 

Just venting, but any distraction in form of a comment is very welcome right now

[Lorenza]

Just a though but is his health still an issue? I mean if he's battling recidives, chemo, scarring etc, I don't think we can blame him for not being fully in a relationship. It is unfortunate but part of life...

 

Regarding exes - don't even bother comparing. You're very attractive and artistic type from what I remember, so the reason not to include you in his ads is probably nothing to do with you.

 

Seems like some guys freak out about fights/high drama GFs - not saying that you are one, but who knows what's in his head.

 

Time to look for new adventures, and... maybe new love.

 

He had some issue with an implant getting out of place and infected in spring, but otherwise the only issue he still is battling is anxiety and some kind of attention disorder. And even paranoia about his health, future. I don't think he can ever have a complete relationship unless he goes through loads of cognitive therapy. So there's a part of him not loving me enough and there's another part of him being a mess emotionally ever since the cancer thing.

 

I'm not really high drama gf, especially not the last 2-3 months. I think I was very kind and loving. We fought initially cause of too intensive start and wrong expectations but it was easily possible to move on from there since we haven't fought about those things since. But maybe not for him.

 

Thanks NG, maybe it is pointless comparing myself to exes. But I can't help but noticing that men I'm with always have smth in common - they did much more for their exes. Oh well...

 

New adventures will have to wait some months though...

[No_Go]

Well you can't be his therapist - he needs to put the effort in his mental stability.

 

Just keep in mind you don't know the whole story around the exes. What seemed like 'more' could have been coupled with a lot of unpleasant stuff that you also missed.

 

But if you're really always picking the same type of guy (e.g. emotionally unavailable) it may be worth to put in some though about why is that..

[Lorenza]

Well you can't be his therapist - he needs to put the effort in his mental stability.

 

Just keep in mind you don't know the whole story around the exes. What seemed like 'more' could have been coupled with a lot of unpleasant stuff that you also missed.

 

But if you're really always picking the same type of guy (e.g. emotionally unavailable) it may be worth to put in some though about why is that..

 

They never seem emotionally unavailable at the beginning and start off with high intensity. I'm always attracted to that. I probably need to choose guys who set more stable pace...

[No_Go]

They never seem emotionally unavailable at the beginning and start off with high intensity. I'm always attracted to that. I probably need to choose guys who set more stable pace...

 

I used to be attracted to exactly that type of guys in my 20s. It really got old. Guy 1: VERY intense, platonic because he was married/separated, lasted years - then he knocked up the first woman after his divorce (after they 'dated' just a few months and long distance)

Guy 2: super intense, on/off for 18 months, turned physically abusive

Guy 3: super intense, moved in after a month of dating, mooched sh*t load of money from me

Then I turned 30, I gave up and met my now-BF... It has never been intense/earth shattering but he's reliable, respectful and doesn't put me in danger... Some will call this settling but if I continued with guys like 1-3, I'll end up in a mental institution/hospital/filing bankruptcy.... Intense guys IMO do not work for long-term.

[Lorenza]

I used to be attracted to exactly that type of guys in my 20s. It really got old. Guy 1: VERY intense, platonic because he was married/separated, lasted years - then he knocked up the first woman after his divorce (after they 'dated' just a few months and long distance)

Guy 2: super intense, on/off for 18 months, turned physically abusive

Guy 3: super intense, moved in after a month of dating, mooched sh*t load of money from me

Then I turned 30, I gave up and met my now-BF... It has never been intense/earth shattering but he's reliable, respectful and doesn't put me in danger... Some will call this settling but if I continued with guys like 1-3, I'll end up in a mental institution/hospital/filing bankruptcy.... Intense guys IMO do not work for long-term.

 

Sorry about those nasty experiences. I also had a high intensity guy turn abusive, but verbally. Pretty sure you did the right thing giving up that preferance. It just... Hope I will be able to fall in love with someone who isn't like that. I can't even get passed date 1 with calm guys.

[Lorenza]

I can't believe that this still goes on.

 

What the hell is wrong with me for being so in love with this guy? I'm so angry at myself and yet feel like I'm in such a chaotic state of mind that I can't really get a grip.

 

I broke up with this guy. We continued texting every now and then until we had a fight on the phone and he blocked me on all the social medias. However I was very not ok with him blocking me, like I didn't deserve it and bugged me a lot. Even after that we continued texting!!

 

Finally he came over when I was having a grill party with a couple of friends. He had a couple of drinks and started telling me over and over again how much he loves me with his whole heart, how much he missed me and doesn't want lose, even told me he was jealous about my guyfriend who was there.

 

My friends (who were actually against me meeting him again) left soon after he showed up. We were left alone and had loads of sex him telling me all I would ever want to hear. He said he'll join me and my friends on karaoke night on Friday and that we will do anything I want together. Next morning he left and was actually there for me on the phone the whole day.

 

Friday comes and you guessed it - nothing from him and after I text him asking if he's joining us he tells me that he can't. Same old - tired and has to work. And that he's busy the whole Saturday. I'm such a freaking fool for believing his drunk gibberish that was probably used to get me to do what he wants in bed!

 

So I go out with friends and have a good night despite it and he actually texts me the whole night, promising we'll meet on Sunday or Monday. The next day I wake up feeling a bit hangover and get on social medias to check for updates. I notice that he still has me blocked everywhere and text him asking if he's gonna unblock me just to get an answer: "No. I don't play games" and some kissing emojis. I of course get a massive WTF feeling and continue confronting asking what games he means and why is it ok to come to my house, have sex with me, tell me he loves me and then continue blocking me. No answer for about 8 h now.

 

Why do I even allow myself to get to this point of some freaking guy using me as a booty call and obviously manipulating me with no intents of changing? This should have been done long ago but still goes on. I have a friend who's from the same country, same age and occupation and an immigrant like me and allows her guy to treat her like trash too. Maybe we're just meant to be stamped on, lol... I'm so so angry and weak.

[Lorenza]

I'm a good looking talented woman let yet another guy to treat me like garbage.

 

I always get mens attention wherever I go but I only choose unavailable pricks and then let them do whatever they want with me.

 

Even have a guy friend who is an example of a truly genuinly good man, could use that example and find someone similar, but no, I'd rather get stringed along by a damaged, emotionally unavailable guy.

 

I'm just venting here.

[BenDamage]

Coming from a guys perspective who has ADHD/Depression issues, he sounds like he's isolating himself just to be alone. It's not necessarily that he doesn't love you, it's just that he doesn't want to talk about it. He may even be trying to keep all of it from you not to drag you down with him.

 

I was going through something kind of similar, my GF of 4 years could see that I was being super depressed between Jan-May; always posting sad statuses, constant negativity, pessimism out the wazoo. I isolated myself a lot and wouldn't talk with her for 2-3 days at a time because I wanted to be alone, but that's only when I wasn't with her. Whenever I was around her I was peppy and happy and very loving and affectionate towards her. Her presence made everything better, everything negative would be put off to the side for our time. However, I never canceled dates with her. Unfortunately for me, she had had enough of trying to constantly consul me and bring me up when I was feeling down and she ended up leaving me for someone else because of my depression and lack of care towards her emotions and feelings. I took her love for granted and now I'm paying for it.

 

He's very lucky to have someone like you who will sit there and be concerned about him all the time when he's going through these rough times. Hopefully he'll wise up and see what he has before it's too late. Best wishes to the both of you.

Edited July 10, 2016 by BenDamage