What is "being friends" and 13 year age difference

[Meowmin]

I am 43years old woman. Mike is 30years old.

We are living in a same condo building.

We met in a common area of the building.

He gave me his number and asked me out. It was a pretty casual setting.

I am Japanese and looks younger compared to women of my age.

I had a feeling that he thought I was younger. I thought I had tell him right away. and I did. he did actually thought I was early 30's.(maybe he was just being polite).

 

I did not have any feelings for him then and nothing happened for 2 months.

We started hanging out again. For 4 months since then, texting every day, seeing each other 1-3 days a week. had sex as well. We naturally get along.

As I spend more time with him, I started to having feelings for him. We talked that we like each other a lot.

 

But it is getting painful to me. So I texted him that it has been very painful just to hang out forever with someone I like. I also said that I think we should stop hanging out.

 

He replied that "I might be right, it is true that some day our paths will diverge and the longer we stayed on the same path together, the harder it will be for both of us in the future. It's bizarre to think we can't be friends, but I did not realized how difficult it has been on you. Obviously, I have also enjoyed our friendship.

Perhaps some time passes I can bbq you a snapper" ( my favourite fish)

 

I think I did a right thing to protect my well-being and dignity. I had a mix feeling that he knew deep down (I did too) that it was not going anywhere perhaps because of our significant age difference. I know this is a reality that can not be changed. I thought I would not fall for him at first....I thought I was mature enough to know. but this him me much more than I thought. I missed work for 3days and feeling sad.

 

I just wanted to know what people think about this situation. I have not told anyone.......

[Ferret]

I dont know why people have sex with their "friends" to me if your going to share your body with a man there better be some mutual romantic feelings and they better be rather substantial other wise your not really respecting yourself after all..that said why is 10 years such a huge issue if you are both adults? I dont get that there was 10 years between my mom and dad..

[Meowmin]

I totally agree with you. When we had sex, I thought we were going to take our relationship to a next level. But it seemed he had no intentions to call me a girlfriend or anything like that. I was disappointed and hurt.

 

about age difference, I was hoping that he did not mind. but I don't know I have never asked.

 

Thank you for your opinion. It helps me sort out my feelings.

[Ferret]

I totally agree with you. When we had sex, I thought we were going to take our relationship to a next level. But it seemed he had no intentions to call me a girlfriend or anything like that. I was disappointed and hurt.

 

about age difference, I was hoping that he did not mind. but I don't know I have never asked.

 

Thank you for your opinion. It helps me sort out my feelings.

 

 

If you have never asked how do you know he might not want you as a gf? hes prob going off of your hints and actions this is what happends when there is no clear communication people get hurt talk to him and make sure...good luck hope you get it all sorted..

[Meowmin]

You are right again. I have never asked.

But I always have a problem to communicate my feelings with someone.....

I always assume what other thinks based on my stand point......

 

I would like to ask, but I don't know how.

[Ferret]

You are right again. I have never asked.

But I always have a problem to communicate my feelings with someone.....

I always assume what other thinks based on my stand point......

 

I would like to ask, but I don't know how.

 

 

Im not really sure how to tell you to go about it maybe casually ask him what his feelings for you are? rather then just ask if he sees a possible relationship between you two and work off what he says.

 

Some how you are going to have to break the ice do you have his cell phone do you guys text? maybe asking via text might be a less stressful way for you..

 

Eather way you have to reach down and find the strength to get it done OP other wise you will just sit here in silence and be sad..you deserve to know the answer..

[faithfully]

i think you did the right thing by letting him know you can no longer be friends as you are developing feelings. At least you kept you dignity and walked away when it was appropriate, well done- wish I was as brave as you when the same thing exactly happened to me, I was older than him 8 years older but I didn't have the courage to break it off when I had feeling and then it turned very sour.

 

learn from this lesson that some women cant handle these types of relationship- I know I couldn't and vouch to never get in one again.

 

cry it out and move on chuck- plenty more men in this world

[Meowmin]

Thank you and you are right. There are plenty of men out there.

I am still sad and desperate to see him again. BUT I am not going to go back. Unless he comes back and offer a real relationship setting. (which very unlikely to happen)

Bacause it was really difficult for me to break it off, especially we were planning to have a nice Easter dinner together tonight and I have no family in Canada, it is so hard to be alone.

and I bit a bullet to do that. I can't reverse my guts instinct that easily.

I have already thrown myself in a vulnerable position and show him a weak side of me, accepted him just as he is. He did not react to my sincere attitude. Fair enough. I should stop hurting myself.....BUT I know I am really really really sad.......

 

I guess a lot of women have same experiences. I wonder if there are cases that ended in something more (long term relationship /marriage).....

 

sigh sigh sigh.......

[faithfully]

Thank you and you are right. There are plenty of men out there.

I am still sad and desperate to see him again. BUT I am not going to go back. Unless he comes back and offer a real relationship setting. (which very unlikely to happen)

Bacause it was really difficult for me to break it off, especially we were planning to have a nice Easter dinner together tonight and I have no family in Canada, it is so hard to be alone.

and I bit a bullet to do that. I can't reverse my guts instinct that easily.

I have already thrown myself in a vulnerable position and show him a weak side of me, accepted him just as he is. He did not react to my sincere attitude. Fair enough. I should stop hurting myself.....BUT I know I am really really really sad.......

 

I guess a lot of women have same experiences. I wonder if there are cases that ended in something more (long term relationship /marriage).....

 

sigh sigh sigh.......

 

Yeah alot of women have experienced these situations and 80% they never make it to real relationship or even long term relationship, it usually turns very painful for one party, the one that care the most, the one that develops feelings.

 

You will feel sad, I'm still not completely over my young fwb even after 3 weeks of NC but it does get easier as the days go by. We women have to learn to not invest our precious time on unavailable Men, men who can't give us what we want, men who can't love us or value.

 

Like I said cry it out and move on. It wasn't meant to be. See it as a lesson that these arrangement is not for you like I learnt it wasn't for me and will never ever get in one.

 

Chin up lady, it will be alright, stay NC

[preraph]

I get it. Me and this guy considerably younger than me when I was in my late 20s and 30s (knew him 10 or more years) just adored each other. He always stopped short of taking it all the way and usually had a younger girlfriend too. But we never stopped just being crazy about each other, but he knew he'd want kids and all that and I wasn't anywhere near doing that and just not young enough to do it with him anyway. I really miss him sometimes. I met his wife he finally married and understand they had some kids. Haven't seen him since he had kids. Our attraction was always there and we always made out but that was all. We just had the best back-and forth rapport and banter. He wrote a song or two about me, too.

 

I had a lot going on, so it wasn't quite as hard on me as it is you. I had distractions. But it's too bad he and I couldn't have just been together. He had too much common sense for that. I kind of panicked a few years ago (this is 30 years later) when I realized a friend we had in common wasn't keeping up with him or knew how to contact him. I realized I truly might never see him again.

 

You just do what you have to do to preserve your sanity. Maybe you'll find a man to date and then can "just be friends" with this guy after that and not totally lose a friend at least. But that just depends how fragile your feelings are.

 

I guess if he wanted to take it further, he would have. Well, by now he knows you have some feelings anyway, so if he doesn't follow up, then I guess he's never going to. Try to distract yourself going places and doing things. Don't just sit and brood. So sorry....

[Meowmin]

Sigh sigh sigh sigh........

 

This is really making me crazy. I just ran into him in an elevator. Since we are living in a same building, it is not avoidable that we see each other as some point again.

Our bike locker is close by on a same parking. Our gardens are just 10m away.

We run into each other quite a lot. That's actually how we started to talk to begin with.

 

We have purchased condos and both loving to live in this neighbourhood. Very unlikely to think either of us moves out.

 

This makes it difficult for me to delete him from my mind. This is not going to be easy.

I even regretted that we started.......

 

Just seeing him briefly aggravated my feelings a lot and trying hard to calm down. feel sad and miserable. I should not have even started......

I am panicking.........

[preraph]

I have been in that situation where you are going to see them no matter what quite a few times and found the best way to deal with it is:

 

1) Actively plan to do things with friends and date if you can. Begin hobbies and at least one exercise activity to destress your body. That is very important. (Biking is good). In other words, make yourself stay active and busy so your mind is on other things at least part of the time.

 

2) Use self-discipline. Understand that if something is making you miserable, you do have ultimate control over how much you let it.

 

3) Go ahead and give him 2-3 minutes in your thoughts deliberately each day if you want, maybe before bed to keep dreams of him at bay (if your conscious is thinking about it, your subconscious may not need to), but then when you get hit with a tide of feelings or run into him, learn to make yourself turn that off. Make a list of things you an deliberately think about instead if you want to. Even if it's only a song that doesn't remind you of him or a vacation you took. Mine was sometimes rafting on the river.

 

4) Maybe you should get a pet, though condo probably isn't the best place for one if you're gone to work all day. But a kitty would keep you company. And remember to always rescue/adopt because I've learned that if you save them, they will save you.

[Meowmin]

Thank you for your tips.

 

I am trying so hard to get him out of mind. Trying to do something else. But after a few minutes, my thoughts is back to him.....

 

What is blocking me from getting over??? I know it was not meant to be. He did not make any effort to take it further.

 

I don't have energies to do anything. I can't even get out of bed in the morning.

It's very hard.

 

Sorry, I really don't have anyone to talk to. I am so miserable to think that he rejected me.

I can't seem to accept the reality......

[preraph]

I know. It's just hard. Because once you get depressed from it, then it's hard to go do things and hard to think straight sometimes. But that is why I said you have to MAKE yourself stay active. It's the quickest way back. Put a fake smile on and go be active. If you put the fake smile on, someone will likely smile back and make you feel a tiny bit better.

 

If you find it drags on too long or feel you're spiraling downward, you might talk to your doctor and maybe they'd prescribe an antidepressant. But give it a little time first. But if it gets worse instead of leveling out or getting better, you might consider it rather than getting too far down.

 

We all feel alone when our hearts are broken. But you're not alone. Be sure you tap any resources you have as far as good family or any friends who might be able to buoy you up a little or help distract you.

[Girlfromcali]

What you are feeling, is very normal. We can only assume that he doesn't want a relationship with you based on what you've told.

 

I can relate to what you're feeling. I am your age also, and there exists this weird cougar/milf element in our society nowadays where younger men oftentimes prefer having sex with older women. Not that it's the case in your situation, especially since he thought you were younger, but because of this new "phenomenon" I'd be very wary to engage in a relationship with a younger man. But then again, I myself am extremely cynical.

Sorry, I know this is not going to be helpful when you're trying to get over someone. I think the only advice I'd give is to trust your gut and protect yourself the best you can. Seems like you're already doing it. Also, it is always harder to get over someone if you see them. That is the reason for NC (no contact). NC means that even if the pain is more excruciating, there won't be any "new" pain so to speak. Hard for you to do if you live in a same condo, though.