Classic question: Should I stay or should I go?

[kbelanger]

Hey everyone, I'm in such a lost and confused place right now and 'm just hoping a conversation will help bring some clarity to my situation. I feel like there are way more important problems in the world, but I can't help but be caught up in my own bs right now.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now. We're a pretty awesome balance for each other. He makes me laugh like no one else, we always have fun together and he just helps makes life that much more awesome.

I like to think of myself as a pretty relaxed, open-minded, independent person, but about a year ago everything changed. I found out that my bf slept with someone else. I have never been so hurt in my life. I never thought I was someone who could be so hurt by some dumb boy, but it turns out I could, it felt like my entire world shattered. I was totally lost and after several days of soul searching, pain, talking with friends and with him, I decided to believe that it was a stupid drunken mistake and agreed we should try to rebuild together.

 

The past year has not been the easiest. There have good waves and bad. I've found myself becoming this jealous insecure person that I can't stand. Putting so much weight on how he feels about me, and if I'm the only one for him. I feel like I'm a ruined version of myself.

 

A few months ago I found a bunch of emails and webpages on his devices for "massage" parlours in the area. And that was it. I confronted him about it and he told me he was so embarrassed but that was his way of masturbating. Porn doesn't really do it for him anymore so he creates these fantasies by researching and messaging massage places. Once again, I chose to believe him. I tried so hard for him to include me in the fantasy, told him how open I am and how I too have fantasies but I want to experience them with him! He has yet to share any of these massage fantasies with me.

 

A couple weeks ago I saw he was messaging some girl I didn't know, he referred to her as a nice sweet girl he met while on tour, just a friend. I chose to believe him again. But soon saw he turned their harmless exchange into a massage fantasy. This poor unsuspecting girl got messages from my bf about how he got a massage and became erect. She just laughed and brought me up into the conversation, poor girl was probably so weirded out. I confronted him yet again, and he was ashamed yet again. I tried to help him see it from my perspective, how all these actions are just killing me, and how he would feel if I was doing these things, and it seemed like a got through to him.

 

I feel like a naive idiot.

 

How many times will I keep getting clobbered? I wish, and I expressed this to him, I WISH I could be open-minded enough to see this as separate from our relationship. Why can't I just see it as he sees it? Like porn or whatever. For some reason I can't. Maybe I watched too many movies, but I think I want that true love monogamous relationship. That exists right? Or will there always be some kind of shady bull****? Are there some truly equally happy couples out there?

 

Thanks for reading this book I just wrote haha

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I want that true love monogamous relationship. That exists right?

 

Yes, it does, but I'm sorry to say that I don't think it will ever be like that with him.

 

His pattern of behavior indicates that he enjoys the risk factor and that he has no intention of stopping. I also doubt that it only involves masturbation.

 

You need to consider the risk to your health if he is cheating and the damage this will cause you emotionally in the long run. I personally don't think it is worth it.

 

Yes it will hurt to end the relationship, but you can't put a price on peace of mind either.

 

Do what is best for you.

[mikeylo]

You should have dumped him by now. The sooner the better. If he was that ashamed , he wouldn't have done anything to risk you even the first time. Because he got away the first time , there are many other times and there will be more. A never ending cycle.

 

Of course monogamous relationships exist. But not for guys like these. Let him play around with women who know how to play men. That's the kind of woman who will stick with him. He with other women and her with other men but as a couple. There are messed up people in abundance. He will find his kind.

 

He will not change. Such guys die alone and lonely. Who cares when they don't ?

[Damaged217]

Take it from someone who forgave a cheater over and over again...dump him! He is not going to change. He shows that he is not remorseful by continuing to pursue his fantasies. You keep forgiving him and he is going to keep thinking that he can get away with it because he has been. He is only going to turn his fantasies into reality...without you. If he was truly sorry, he would have gone into some sort of individual counseling to work on his issues. But he hasn't. I'm pretty jaded from being cheated on and lied to by pretty much every guy, but I have to believe that there is someone out there that couldn't bare to hurt me and would love me like I deserve. Social media has ruined dating, I believe. But don't give up. We will find the love we deserve! Just think about how hurt you are. You can't trust this guy. What's worse- hurting over and over again because he continues to cheat and lie to you and you become emotionally unstable...or hurting for a little while and then eventually heal and not have to worry about what hurtful thing he is doing behind your back? It's never easy to decide whether you should stay or go, but I think your guy's actions should be pushing you way towards the latter.

[Space Ritual]

I feel like a naive idiot.

 

Don't. You did nothing wrong.

 

Please understand that what he did and continues to do is no "mistake" He made conscious choice to have sex with someone else, also he makes conscious choices every time he goes to a massage parlor.

 

Please understand that the only thing a massage parlor is going to contact somebody about is an hourly or half hourly rate. They are there to make money and unless they are running phone or text sex line that he is paying for then he is simply contacting them to see when he can get squeezed, both figuratively and literally.

 

Please dump him and get an STD test as soon as possible.

[LostOnes05]

Your dude is the idiot...not you. But you are naive. He cheated...you forgive him...he messages massage parlors consistently...you forgive him. Let him go, he doesn't have your best interests at heart.