it's been three years, i can't cope

[propagandalf]

I just wrote a big long message and then it was deleted because I was logged out.

 

I was with her for a decade, since we were teens. She was in her last year of high school. I slept over and drove her to school every day, until she graduated and we could get our own place. We did everything together for a decade. I mean everything. My parents called her their daughter. She lived with my family for a time. She went on vacations with us. I went on vacations with her. I mean, none of that compares to just the amount of time and experiences we shared. We didn't have separate lives. We were always together.

 

I've been medicated on MAOI's and seeing a therapist for three years. I can't get over it. Not only that, but deep down there is something worse, that I can only sense sometime. It's the reality of it, stripped of any illusions. I can't contend with it. I truly loved her. She was the most important person in my life.

[Marco Valerio]

I do understand your feelings. But there's not much you can do now, 3 years is quite a long time. You were not for each other, you have to believe it and take it deep in your heart.

I believe that there's a reason for every path in life, but I can't say if always for better.

[privategal]

I am truly sorry.

Have you ever heard of the letting go project? Ive been considering it.

I too have been greiving a breakup with my best friend and you feel like the lights were turned off in your world.

Watch Reese Witherspoon in Wild.

It feels like that.

Lost.

But you can still love and care for her from a distance. She has fond memories of you and will always love you too.

Im thinking you never grieved the breakup...you never 'decided' Im going to let go now. Instead you always say "I cant/wont" so...you dont.

I dont think 3 years is too long to not be healed yet.

Look up the letting go project

 

It might be worth considering something new and different.

[Zapbasket]

I'm so sorry you are struggling.

 

It's ironic that just yesterday I was googling "three years" and "not over my ex" because it has been 2.5 years since my breakup, I, too, have been seeing a therapist the whole time, and I'm still struggling. My relationship had a lot of problems but I know that my ex and I had a real connection. But he chose to take the easy route in his life and ended up shunning me because he didn't want to face his conflicts that I, who had similar conflicts in certain respects, reminded him of. This fact has been very, very hard to accept because I see what could have been, if he'd accepted the challenge of addressing these conflicts together.

 

I know how much it hurts to think you've found someone who understands you, whom you love and feel to be your family, and they don't want to stick around to see that connection unfold and grow.

 

I struggle, but I keep fighting, and that's what I've come here to suggest to you. I know it doesn't sound like much help, but really it's the only thing you can do. You have a whole beautiful life ahead of you, and you don't want to miss out on it because of someone who is not in it anymore. It sucks, and I know it's hard to see it now, but there will be other important people, important loves, important experiences in your life, and you have to open yourself up so that you can receive them when they appear to you. If you are living in the past, you won't be able to receive these things, and you will remain stuck. Try to think of ONE thing you can do each day to forcibly break from your memories with her. Take a different route to work. Take up a new hobby. Visit a new place. Move. Introduce as many new experiences into your life as possible.

 

After so much time in therapy, start to trust that you truly have looked at yourself and your relationship as much as you can for now. Now, it's time to take action; at some point I think it comes down to making the CHOICE to move on. Everything in you resists, but it's the only way forward. I'm going through this right now, so I can't talk to you from the other side and say it all worked out, but I have faith that this is the only way and I'm determined to make it happen. You must be determined, too. You have so many more wonderful things to experience in this life--go and experience them.

 

I hope this helps a little, at least to know that you are not alone.

[sorano]

The time that you met your lover, was also a important time of your life. You guys were young. Been together for a long long time. This will be very tough to get over but keep fighting man. The pain is insane. I would not wish a broken heart on anyone.

 

Don't give up man. Keep seeing the therapist and think positive. I am also going through tough times. My girl dumped me and it was out of nowhere. It was like a dream.

[Empire87]

People who struggle with this like you do tend to have the same issues and areas that they've failed to address.

 

Aside from the fact that you may suffer from some sort of depression or something requiring medication... The major thing you need to see here is that you are living with the hope of holding onto staying in high school and being 16-18 forever by holding onto this relationship.

 

When people in high school or young ages get into relationships that last years, they ALL think that it's going to be forever and that they are with the person they'll marry. Unfortunately these people, like yourself, become defined by their relationship and partner and when it does end, they are unable to identify themselves as anything other than who they were when they had their partner.

 

The development stages you were going through while you dated her for 3 years were stalled because you experienced happiness as only being with her. Instead of cultivating friends as individuals and building a social circle, you became a teenage husband and wife who integrated in each other's families. Instead of thinking about what you wanted to do following high school and where you wanted to go to college, to study, or what job to get, you probably worried about "what if I can't get into the same school she does?".

 

So you need to start taking steps to create your own identity and happiness as an individual. You'll never be able to be happy or be with anyone else successfully until you have a life of your own that goes on whether your single or not. You also need to tell yourself that your ex isn't the same girl you knew when you were together anymore. She's experiencing her life and evolving her interests and wouldn't be the same girl you initially fell for even if she magically showed up at your house tomorrow. Just tell yourself that it's never going to be like that again and she's not gonna be in your life ever. That's the definitive truth you have to tell yourself.

 

If you are smart enough to utilize common sense... Then just ask yourself or look at the odds of a teenage relationship lasting forever? Everyone breaks up with their "first love". Go find your second. Then find your third

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

The sadness stops when you stop 'sadding.'

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, not something you can't change, like the weather.

 

When you finally decide that you've been through enough, you'll stop 'sadding.'

 

 

Take care.

[propagandalf]

I am truly sorry.

Have you ever heard of the letting go project?

Im thinking you never grieved the breakup...you never 'decided' Im going to let go now. Instead you always say "I cant/wont" so...you dont.

 

Thank you. I will look into it.

 

I don't know if you are using grieved in a certain sense, but I've definitely grieved in the usual sense. I've been crying for three years, intense fits of wailing even. Yeah, I probably haven't let go, but that's because there's still so much emotion there, so many feelings.

[propagandalf]

You were not for each other, you have to believe it and take it deep in your heart.

 

I can't believe it. It's not because I don't want to. I do want to. I don't believe it because it doesn't seem true to me. I can't lie to myself.

 

If we were for each other, then why aren't we still together, right? Because **** happens. If you had just erased a week, we'd still be together. If we had decided on this movie or restaurant rather than that movie or restaurant, then we'd still be together. What I'm trying to say is that it was almost like an accident. It wasn't some essential problem.

[propagandalf]

 

I hope this helps a little, at least to know that you are not alone.

 

Thank you. I'm also struggling the reasons surrounding the breakup, knowing that if my ex would have just taken a deep breath and thought things over, things would've turned out differently.

[propagandalf]

The development stages you were going through while you dated her for 3 years were stalled because you experienced happiness as only being with her.

 

Thanks for your response, but I started seeing her when I was 19 and she left me when I was 29. It's been three years since she left.

[propagandalf]

The time that you met your lover, was also a important time of your life. You guys were young. Been together for a long long time. This will be very tough to get over but keep fighting man. The pain is insane. I would not wish a broken heart on anyone.

 

Don't give up man. Keep seeing the therapist and think positive. I am also going through tough times. My girl dumped me and it was out of nowhere. It was like a dream.

 

Thank you. Yes, this felt like a nightmare. At times it felt so surreal and unlikely that something ridiculous, like aliens invading, would make more sense and be more believable.

 

Here's a candid post she made like 3 months before we broke up:

 

"ive been with my boyfriend for about 9 years now and i love him to death."

 

She also wrote this within a few months of us breaking up:

 

"That is where I can really smell you. That holy fragrance that somehow represents your essence. It feels like with every inhalation I am feeling you – every part of who you are. It is too much for me to handle.

 

The concept of you has always been sacred to me. My knowledge of your existence, your true existence, everything that you are, is one of my most prized possessions."

 

But, when she left, it was like she just flipped a switch. It was like not even a big deal to her. She showed no emotion. She wouldn't talk to me. The reasons she gave were so stupid sounding, like the most generic, shallow, meaningless stuff that just popped into her head.

 

I never got closure. There are so many things I never got to say.

 

I know exactly what happened, too, and it's maddening because of how meaningless it is.

[Melrapuo]

I'm in the same boat as you, so don't feel bad. Holidays are harder sometimes. My cousin brought his gf to dinner today with the family, and it just reminded me of how I used to bring my ex.

 

She moved on. I haven't. I believe one day I will, but not until I resolve things with myself first. Time can be both a friend and an enemy, but it's worth taking the time to grieve to really allow yourself to move forward. If other people can do it, so can you and I.

[Empire87]

You met her at a point in your lives where your development as a person was still going through major changes. Unfortunately some people who get into long term relationships during high school/teens fail to acknowledge that they still need to develop and experience things as individuals. You probably expected the rest of your life to be with her and she became a part of your family and you a part of hers. While everyone thinks that they will be the exception to the rule, sooner or later as your finding out, these "first love" relationships inevitably come to and end and then your left with the shocking realization of not being able to define yourself as an individual without your partner.

 

I sense this is where you fall into place. Usually when you're 15-20 you are making new friends, going out, experiencing things for the first time, trying things, going places, making mistakes, dealing with rejection, etc. Instead, you had your relationship to use as the center of our focus. Instead of continuing you develop as an individual and making goals for yourself and your future, your future was reliant on her being a part of it.

 

Figuring out where to go to college, what to study, what you might want to do as a career are things you each needed to think of and focus on. Instead I'm guessing you worried about "what if I can't get into the school she goes to, or she goes far away". At such a crucial stage in your adolescence being able to create your own self identity and happiness is what separates those who can navigate heartbreak and turmoil from those who become crippled and distraught.

 

You're also looking at your relationship as if you can somehow recapture that with her everything will be ok like it was. Face the fact that your relationship, what you had, and the person she was with those feelings for you ARE GONE FOREVER. She's not the 17 yo girl who was head over heels in love with you anymore. She can't go back to that way of thinking. Neither can you.

 

Even if she magically appeared at your door tomorrow, she's not the same person you're thinking about in your head. You have to realize that and realize that people change and their feelings can change to. That doesn't mean she didn't love you or that your relationship wasn't special when you had it. But it's just part of life. It's something you went through and now you have to close that chapter.

 

Focus on you're own self progression from here on out. You have to have things in life to strive for as an individual on a daily basis. Do you have a career? Are you in school? What are you working towards? Do you have a social circle of friends? If not, you need ton put the effort into stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging with others so that your world opens up and isn't just forced to look back at when you were happy. That's going to make you think of your ex and is a vicious circle. Once you have your own life as an individual, I guarantee that you won't place this much emphasis on your ex and losing that.

[thespacey1]

My cousin brought his gf to dinner today with the family, and it just reminded me of how I used to bring my ex.

 

Yeah, that's the kind of stuff that triggers those raw emotions for me. How did you cope at the dinner? Did you fake it the whole time, did you eventually leave the room, or were you OK with just being in the moment. I wonder sometimes, how many other people are affected in that way.

 

I'm female, by the way. Broke up with me ex almost a year & half now. I can fake it for a little while, then I'll have to remove myself from the space. And I've had other breakups, which all affected me. However, I'm really struggling w/this breakup... I'm affected by other couples, certain songs, smells, movies, places I go that he & I went, etc.

[Empire87]

I can't believe it. It's not because I don't want to. I do want to. I don't believe it because it doesn't seem true to me. I can't lie to myself.

 

If we were for each other, then why aren't we still together, right? Because **** happens. If you had just erased a week, we'd still be together. If we had decided on this movie or restaurant rather than that movie or restaurant, then we'd still be together. What I'm trying to say is that it was almost like an accident. It wasn't some essential problem.

 

That's because you're not seeing the fact that people are allowed to change and evolve their feelings and thoughts without having a perfectly clear explanation for why or having it be something you could've avoided/fixed at all.

 

Think about something you liked when you were a kid. Maybe you really enjoyed pepperoni pizza. Ate it all the time, would only order that when you'd go to a pizzeria. Fast forward to when you're 22, you still like pepperoni pizza but you don't order it nearly as much and now actually prefer trying something else on the menu if you're going out to eat. That doesn't mean that anything changed about pepperoni pizza, you just grew and adjusted your taste as part of growing up.

 

Same with relationships. You could have interacted with your gf a certain way in the 4th year you were together that was electric. The jokes you made or compliments you told her were amazing and made her light up. However in year 8,9,or 10, maybe you were being just as nice, sweet, funny, but she simply wasn't getting the same elation/reaction/feeling to those things anymore. It happens. You couldn't have taken her somewhere else, or said something else, or done this or that to change things. Sometimes that spark just fades for no apparent reason.

 

And that's the hardest to cope with. Which is what you seem to be having trouble with. You have to accept that you're not in charge of/capable of reigniting her spark or interest in the relationship just because you believe and feel that it's still there if only she could see it. That's a useless hope to hold onto. You can't dedicate a whole weekend to pepperoni pizza or go to a new place that supposibly makes the best slice in hopes that it will make you feel the way you felt about it when you were 10 years old again. You're still gonna want to try/look at what else is on the menu.

[Melrapuo]

Yeah, that's the kind of stuff that triggers those raw emotions for me. How did you cope at the dinner? Did you fake it the whole time, did you eventually leave the room, or were you OK with just being in the moment. I wonder sometimes, how many other people are affected in that way.

 

I went into a weird mood almost instantly. I was nice but very brief with any sort of interaction. It took me a second to realize I was being that way, though. It's a self-defense mechanism to avoid anything that reminds me of the past. After about an hour or so I collected myself, got busy doing other stuff, and then eventually opened up more. It was the first time I met her, and my cousin had been single for years (went through a really bad break up himself, ended up doing lots of drugs and drinking heavily). In the end, I realized how sweet she was and how much she made him happy. And that made me feel better, because I knew that he had gone through hell before.

 

Once you don't focus so heavily on yourself and how it affects you, you tend to realize that you're kind of creating your own misery. It wasn't my cousin's fault, or his gf. And it's not my ex's fault either, as we haven't spoken in years. When you realize how much control you really have on your own emotions and thoughts, and you focus on things other than your pain, everything seems to even out.

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe it. It's not because I don't want to. I do want to. I don't believe it because it doesn't seem true to me. I can't lie to myself.

 

If we were for each other, then why aren't we still together, right? Because **** happens. If you had just erased a week, we'd still be together. If we had decided on this movie or restaurant rather than that movie or restaurant, then we'd still be together. What I'm trying to say is that it was almost like an accident. It wasn't some essential problem.

 

Some thing just happen and it's out of your control. Its like she left you hanging and you're left wondering... Not enough closure for you to understand, process and work through it all in a healthy way so you can move on.

 

It's sad but this is a case of you'll never really know her reasons as to why things ended. Deep down you also need to give up hope (if there is any) and really push yourself to let go and work with a counselor to guide you through the grieving process. The pain you feel 3 years later is very intense, and it's not getting any easier as time goes on.

 

Write her letters, but don't ever send them. This is for you and will be therapeutic for grieving and healing.

[propagandalf]

That's because you're not seeing the fact that people are allowed to change and evolve their feelings and thoughts without having a perfectly clear explanation for why or having it be something you could've avoided/fixed at all...

 

I appreciate you're effort and that you're trying to help, but I don't think you can really say what I'm thinking with so little information about what went on. Yeah, people can change for no reason, but it's a slow change. They can't change for no reason in the blink of an eye. Imagine how much went on between us over the course of ten years. Imagine all the things I provided for her, on a human level. Her brain must have had lots of neurons devoted to me. They couldn't have all been rewired over the course of a week. You're going to want to think that something was going on for a long time, and that I just didn't see it, but that's not the case.

 

I wasn't living in some dream of a perfect relationship where I wouldn't have noticed something a little off.

 

A couple weeks before she left me, she was begging me to go on vacation with her. She didn't want to go without me. A couple weeks before we were a concert and I was singing and she was cheering me on, as cheesy as that sounds. I lived with her. She had no time to be secretly hiding things from me. And, it wasn't like she was afraid of hurting me because once she decided to leave me, she couldn't have done more to hurt me.

 

It was my fault she left. I was incredibly unhappy. She didn't know that. Or, she just lied to herself about it. Then, things came to a head, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I emotionally left the relationship. When that happened, which only lasted for a week or so, I think she became so terrified of being broken up with (I understand why. It's agony.) that she just ran as far away as fast as she could so she wouldn't have to deal with it. Like this pebble frog:

 

 

She was in another relationship within months.

[propagandalf]

Some thing just happen and it's out of your control. Its like she left you hanging and you're left wondering... Not enough closure for you to understand, process and work through it all in a healthy way so you can move on.

 

It's sad but this is a case of you'll never really know her reasons as to why things ended. Deep down you also need to give up hope (if there is any) and really push yourself to let go and work with a counselor to guide you through the grieving process. The pain you feel 3 years later is very intense, and it's not getting any easier as time goes on.

 

Write her letters, but don't ever send them. This is for you and will be therapeutic for grieving and healing.

 

I've actually written over 100,000 words worth of letters.

 

I also believe I do know why she left and it's even worse than not knowing. It was like she was being driven by emotions that had arisen momentarily, and if a week had gone by without her acting on them, she would have looked back at them like they were completely alien. But, because she's rash and impulsive (She really is. I could give you lots of examples.) she acts and doesn't care about anything else. I mean, she was contradicting herself all over the place, then saying she needed a therapist. She told me she wouldn't go to a relationship counselor with me because they would make her want to be with me, and she didn't want to want that. After ten years with someone, they tell you that they don't even want to want to be with you. Then, she tells me "maybe we'll get married in ten years." Also, if you had just given me some space maybe she would have gotten back together with me, after I begged her to agree to a trial separation.

[Empire87]

[quote=propagandalf; case.

 

I wasn't living in some dream of a perfect relationship where I wouldn't have noticed something a little off.

 

A couple weeks before she left me, she was begging me to go on vacation with her. She didn't want to go without me. A couple weeks before we were a concert and I was singing and she was cheering me on, as cheesy as that sounds. I lived with her. She had no time to be secretly hiding things from me. And, it wasn't like she was afraid of hurting me because once she decided to leave me, she couldn't have done more to hurt me.

 

It was my fault she left. I was incredibly unhappy. She didn't know that. Or, she just lied to herself about it. Then, things came to a head, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I emotionally left the relationship. When that happened, which only lasted for a week or so, I think she became so terrified of being broken up with (I understand why. It's agony.) that she just ran as far away as fast as she could so she wouldn't have to deal with it. Like this pebble frog:

 

 

She was in another relationship within months.

 

I'm not saying these things are written in stone, just getting the point across that we cannot project the way we see/view things onto the ones we love. Her feelings didn't change overnight. Of course not. But you say that you withdrew emotionally. That didn't happen overnight either. So the entire time this was occuring with you, she, as her own person, is also having her views/feelings shift as well.

 

10 years is a long time to be together. What was the reason you emotionally left for a couple weeks? What caused this? If you were incredibly unhappy for a while leading up to that, then is it safe to say that your participation and actions in the relationship may have been affected or changed during that time as well? Whether she knew you were unhappy or didn't, or didn't want to Accept it, she was likely able to experience that difference in how you were engaging day to day.

 

Also would help to know when you started feeling trouble coping to this degree? When the relationship ended, did you immediately regret it? Did you break up with her after trying to take action in fixing what was wrong? Or did one of you end it definitively then part ways?

Also, did you start seeing someone after you broke up? Have you seen anyone since?

 

I ask because there's a difference in having emotional trouble coping immediately, from having those feelings resonate once you find out she's seeing someone else, or find out that you're not going to be able to get her back as easily as you thought you could. I've had friends break up with long term gf's because they know they they can have a little fun and freedom for a few weeks and then come back and sincerely tug on the girls triggers in order to get back into the relationship. Did you think you could pick up where you left off easier then it turned out being?

 

Does the things she's said or way she's acted towards you since, keep you distant but still teased that she's still in love with you? People who do that tend to test how far they can go where their ex will stay loosely involved but available, and strategically know when they need to send a "hey, this made me think of you" or "I see us married in 10 years" text in order to suck them back in. I'm not saying this is what she's doing, just putting other ideas out there.

 

Have you showed interest in another girl or forced your ex to seriously realize the possibility that she's losing you permanently? Or have you not had any other opportunities to date or interests since her? Perhaps it's time you make her face that consequence in order to make her realize that while she can say things like "10 years from now I see us together" , she needs to let it sink in that "shoot, maybe ten years from now he'll be with that girl and I can't play around any longer or else he'll forget me"

[bathtub-row]

High school sweetheart relationships are often difficult to maintain because they become intense and limit the couple at a time when they should be spreading their wings, exploring themselves and the world around them. In a sense, these relationships can stunt a person's individual growth. I'm sure your ex loved you but needed to extend herself beyond a childhood relationship.

 

That may be tough to accept but I believe that it also limited you in your life and in your development. There is a great big world out there, full of interesting things and people. I think it's time for you to learn how to move past this and explore the world around you. Lots of people go through break-ups and lots of people find them really, really hard to get past. But take heart in knowing that most people get past it and learn to love again. You can do this, but you can't as long as you allow yourself to stay stuck in the past. What you're doing is trying to control things that are beyond your control. This isn't benefitting you in any way.

[propagandalf]

I'm not saying these things are written in stone, just getting the point across that we cannot project the way we see/view things onto the ones we love. Her feelings didn't change overnight. Of course not. But you say that you withdrew emotionally. That didn't happen overnight either. So the entire time this was occuring with you, she, as her own person, is also having her views/feelings shift as well.

 

This literally unfolded over the course of two weeks. She went from completely oblivious that anything was wrong to dumping me. The main reasons she gave were "We don't make a good couple." Asked to expand on what that meant, she wouldn't. "I don't have feelings for you, and feelings don't come back." I asked her how long she felt this way, and she said "I don't know, about a month?" She had a pretty bad sense of time. For instance, she thought I had written her this letter within the last year, but I had actually written it 7-8 years earlier. So, I'm assuming her not having feelings coincided with my withdrawing. Then, the whole "feelings don't come back was something she just insisted on." Of course, she couldn't possibly know that, having only been in one real relationship, and having no real friends in relationships that she associated with. Also, she didn't believe that I loved her. Then, she tacked on a bunch of nonsense reasons. She later denied even saying some of them because they didn't sound like something she would have said, which is troubling because these were real things she said at the time, reasons she gave for destroying something that to me was everything.

 

I can point to events that very clearly indicate that she wasn't considering breaking up with me. For instance, she was very affectionate, which actually hurts when you're feeling distant from another person. I know because that's what I felt. There's no way she was trying to hide anything from me because every so often I would say something to her to gauge her feelings on how the relationship was going, and she never seemed to have any clue that anything was wrong. I don't even think she could believe anything was wrong because it was just understood that we were partners. Six months earlier we had adopted our second dog. One day when we were out with both dogs she said "Isn't it nice that our whole family is out?" That was just a few months before we broke up. I said something like "I don't really feel like a family," which didn't cause her to react in any sort of way. A month before we broke up, we were at the bank, and she was like "We might as well put your name on my account." Her general demeanor was bubbly and carefree.

 

I know what it's like to be unhappy in a relationship and it feels bad to make future plans. I would hope that she wouldn't get me anything for my birthday because it would make me feel guilty about wanting to leave her. In my head, I would tell myself stuff like "I'll never leave her. It's my duty to hang on no matter how miserable I become." Then, it just got to the point that I couldn't take any more. There's no way that anything remotely similar was going on with her. I can say that because for I was looking for signs of that she understood my troubles, and there were none.

 

This really gives insight into the nature of our relationship and who she is:

 

I spoke to her for the first time two years after the breakup. I had begged her to talk for months after the breakup and she refused, telling me that we had already talked about everything. In reality, we had talked about nothing. Anyway, we're on the phone and I ask her "When I was upset, did you realize that I was actually upset, or did you just think of me as some cartoonishly upset character who wasn't really upset?" It's kind of an unusual question, huh? Why would you even suspect that someone didn't know that you were angry or upset? But, she said that she hadn't ever realized that I was upset. Then asked why we hadn't talked about it, after saying over and over again that we had talked about "everything."

 

It's maddening how little she cared about what was really going on. Like I said, she didn't want to fix things. How can you be with someone for ten years and not hope, at least a little, that things can be fixed or good? I devoted a portion of my youth to her, thinking that that would include some loyalty, devotion, etc. It's terrifying to think how fragile it was. You think you're building something with someone, then the whole thing gets blown away by a gust of wind. Imagine if you were working on a project with someone for ten years. Then, you reach a bit of trouble, and they just quit, destroy the project, and run away. That's nothing. No project could possibly be as important to me as she was. I feel like she was murdered, killed herself, and became a murderer of my best friend. When I say that's how I feel, I mean that that's really how I feel. The grief and sense of loss is unbearable. I went on antidepressants not as antidepressants but as metal pain killers because I didn't know what else to do.

 

There are certain symptoms of a bad relationship - fighting, boredom, lack of things to talk about, dead bedroom. Our relationship had none of those. When we were together, most of the time we were always laughing and joking. I would say we got along splendidly. Have you ever spent a week with someone and just gotten sick of them? I was able to spend 10 years with her and never got sick of her. I never complained about her behind my back like so many people do about their partners. Well, that sort of relating is just one layer. There was definitely a layer that was not healthy.

 

 

10 years is a long time to be together. What was the reason you emotionally left for a couple weeks? What caused this? If you were incredibly unhappy for a while leading up to that, then is it safe to say that your participation and actions in the relationship may have been affected or changed during that time as well? Whether she knew you were unhappy or didn't, or didn't want to Accept it, she was likely able to experience that difference in how you were engaging day to day.

 

It was a mix of things. It went on for years, maybe the entire relationship, so nothing would have changed. This is a perfect representation of our relationship:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10tee6Eff34

 

She liked that part in the movie as a representation of our relationship as well. She romanticized it. Yes, in a way, our relationship was horrible, but my mind was the container for it. It didn't get out. Or, it got filtered before it got out because I wanted things to be good, and I was terrified of hurting her.

 

I thought I was communicating, but I never realized that she wasn't understanding what I was saying, until I had that realization after we broke up that she just saw my distress as a cartoon character might feel distressed. I remember when we first started dating, or after a year or two being kind of dismayed at the fact that had had to ramp up the intensity with which I spoke to her because nothing seemed to get through.

 

The relationship is so sprawling that it's hard to pinpoint exactly why I was unhappy. First, she kept in touch with her ex, who she had dated for 1-2 years in junior high school. This dude actually sexually assaulted her, once. Nothing serious, but he fondled her and she had to leave our apartment. He also moved to our neighborhood to be close to her. One night he showed up at a bar that she was at "couldn't get a ride home" and she "had" to let him sleep over. This went on for our entire relationship. In our ninth year, I remember her being at my parent's house and laughing and talking to him on the phone. As soon as we broke up, this dude is sending her texts about masturbation, and making dinner dates with her. During this entire time, I was trying to be "okay" with it, thinking that I was being a jealous, controlling boyfriend by not wanting her to associate with him. When his mom died, he wanted her to come console him. I said "I'm not going to say 'no' but you really shouldn't be in this position." That's like extremely intimate. They had dated in junior high, 8 years earlier! Why is she consoling her ex boyfriend? She agreed that she needed to cut ties with him, which she did, for a couple of months, until he weaseled his way back into her life. It was always like "Hey old friend! We haven't spoken in so long." Meanwhile, it had been like 6 months. She's still friends with him, now. This disrespectful sneak, but she hates me for having been her faithful companion for ten years. He cheated on her like ten times, too.

 

Anyway, am I bothered more by the fact that she neglected my happiness or just the fact that I had to be constantly stressed by this nonsense? I don't know.

 

Then, there was a point about six years into our relationship where she decided she wanted to be a pastry chef. Without discussing anything with me - I even tried to discuss it with her - she took out like $60,000 worth of loans and enrolls in pastry school. She could have gone for free. She admitted after we broke up that she intentionally did it without discussion because she didn't want interference. Then, when it was time to find an internship, she had to go to Florida, thousands of miles away, didn't care what I felt about it, just kind of ignored my opinion. So, I ended up moving to Florida for her, which was terrible. At points, she was working 13 hours a day for weeks at a time without days off. That's what she's into. It was a retirement city, so I had nothing going on. I didn't know anyone. I basically gave up my life to move there. I didn't even realize it, at the time, how much of my own living was being sacrificed for her. This is when I really started getting stressed and angry. I'd wake up and be so angry because I would be left alone all day, my life completely stagnating. But, I didn't know, at the time, why I really felt this way. After, a year of this, she comes to the realization "What am I doing here. This is crazy." I don't think she realized that she had dragged me into that same situation without any say.

 

Then, we move back home. She gets another job, becomes obsessed with that, and starts working until she's working 80 hours a week. This is how she had worked since her first job, when we had just started dating, so it wasn't to get away from the relationship. In fact, she had worked for a boss who constantly made her cry, sexually harassed her. She'd work for 22 hours, come home, sleep for 2 hours, then go back to work for another 22 hours. There was a point where she was working and not getting payed. She did $3000 worth of work that she didn't get payed for, and she was probably making $8 an hour at the time, so a lot of work.

 

Anyway, it got to the point where she was literally working all the time. She's telling me that we're gonna move here and there for her to open up these bakeries. Of course, I know from past experiences that I don't have a say in anything.

 

At the same time, we had made plans to move somewhere that I wanted to move to. Twice we came up with a plan, and she canceled the plans because of her job. Then, finally, she seemed to give herself to the job completely. The bosses had big plans for her. The holidays were coming up, so she'd be working even more, even though she had already been working almost constantly, but, she was getting a week off! That was the final straw. I had never been able to live for myself or even compromise. I didn't know this, at the time. I was still worried about being too controlling. Heaven forbid that I have a say in what we did with our lives. The future just seemed so bleak because I had been trying to get her on the same page as me for years. So, I just checked out emotionally. It had been a constant battle against deaf ears. I gave up hope.

 

Of course, she quit her job as soon as we broke up and did exactly what I had wanted to do. I had waited years and years for her to come around, and she just goes and does it with someone else. Meanwhile, she had told me that she was breaking up with me so we could be our own people. So, she gets in a relationship almost immediately. Also, when I pointed out to her that she had never been without a relationship, and that she always dates a friend of her ex (the chain is 4 people long now), she started crying hysterically. She was also breaking up with me because she wanted someone with "aspirations." But, now she's dating the dude who aspired to start a business because I suggested the idea to him, knowing he'd be into it, and that we could start it together, which was one of the plans that she had canceled. And, they are off living the life that I aspired to live.

 

Also would help to know when you started feeling trouble coping to this degree? When the relationship ended, did you immediately regret it? Did you break up with her after trying to take action in fixing what was wrong? Or did one of you end it definitively then part ways?

Also, did you start seeing someone after you broke up? Have you seen anyone since?

 

I ask because there's a difference in having emotional trouble coping immediately, from having those feelings resonate once you find out she's seeing someone else, or find out that you're not going to be able to get her back as easily as you thought you could. I've had friends break up with long term gf's because they know they they can have a little fun and freedom for a few weeks and then come back and sincerely tug on the girls triggers in order to get back into the relationship. Did you think you could pick up where you left off easier then it turned out being?

 

She just ended it one morning like two weeks after I had given up. I had been being incredibly unfriendly because I was so mad at her for not caring. She said something like "I don't ever want to be with you. I want you to move out." I haven't been able to cope from that point on. And, she's just been a complete stranger from that point on.

 

For the first year, I literally thought about her every minute of every day. I started getting worse and worse. Eventually, I was almost catatonic. I was having suicidal thought all the time and spending my days in bed. It got to the point where I was experiencing like terror. My mom had to take me for walks to get me out of the house. That's when I decided that I needed medication. It felt like I was holding on for dear life until I could see a psychiatrist. Then, miraculously, the medication almost completely cured me. But, it sort of pooped out a year ago. I started having trouble coping again, thinking about her constantly, having crying fits.

 

That's when I reached out to her. She got back to me immediately and said she wanted to help, felt bad, and wanted to start a dialogue. She even called me. It was all a facade because as soon as anything real started getting discussed, she completely changed her tune.

 

She went from this:

 

"I want to help you to somehow move on from me. I thought maybe talking would help but obviously it is too painful. I am sorry that you have to go through so much pain. It makes me feel terrible and sad. We lost our relationship, and that is always sad, for anyone. I am hoping that through this email we can start a dialogue."

 

to this:

 

"I do not feel much and I dont have much to say. I hear what you say and i can either acknowledge that it is true, or makes sense, or think that it seems off and is wrong. Either way doesnt make much difference to me anymore. It is hard to get a real response from me emotionally."

 

To crying on the phone when I finally spoke to her, all within a matter of days.

 

I think that after two years she had arrived at a point of understanding our break-up that she thought was safe. "He really didn't love me" and stuff like that. Then, when I challenged it, which was easy because nothing she said had any weight to it, she needed to get away from me again. The conversations on the phone started out friendly. She was laughing a lot. It was just like normal. There was no fighting. We ended on a good note, too. The first conversation was like three hours long - longer than I had had a chance to ever talk to her about the relationship coming to an end. And, I decided to end it because I didn't want to burn her out on talking to me. Right after that, I think she told my friend that she was going to cut me out of her life completely. So, I begged her to speak with me again. She agreed. Same thing. I felt like I was actually making sense to her, except then I got mad at her at the very end because she had given our cat away and didn't even know who had her. That was the last time I heard from her.

 

Does the things she's said or way she's acted towards you since, keep you distant but still teased that she's still in love with you? People who do that tend to test how far they can go where their ex will stay loosely involved but available, and strategically know when they need to send a "hey, this made me think of you" or "I see us married in 10 years" text in order to suck them back in. I'm not saying this is what she's doing, just putting other ideas out there.

 

No, she's tried to have as little contact with me as possible. I think she shut herself off from the reality of what was going on, and has hoped it will just evaporate without her ever having to understand. She's done this with other things as well.

 

Have you showed interest in another girl or forced your ex to seriously realize the possibility that she's losing you permanently? Or have you not had any other opportunities to date or interests since her? Perhaps it's time you make her face that consequence in order to make her realize that while she can say things like "10 years from now I see us together" , she needs to let it sink in that "shoot, maybe ten years from now he'll be with that girl and I can't play around any longer or else he'll forget me"

 

I have dated other girls, but not seriously, and she wouldn't have known about it anyway. I don't think anything short of me getting married would shock her into that sort of realization.

 

One of my therapists has suggested that she might have borderline personality disorder because supposedly when people who have that sense that they are being abandoned, they get out of there as quickly as possible. I saw another therapist for a time and he wasn't the type of person who would have suggested that she had a mental illness without seeing her, but he said it sounds like she has the emotional development of a 16 year old, which is exactly what my dad said about her. He also said, she doesn't care about relationships.

 

Another thing that makes me think she just shut herself off emotionally from the truth is that only a few months prior to breaking up with me she "caught" me talking to a girl online. This was the first time anything like this had happened. For our entire relationship I had hardly even spoken to other girls. This conversation was in a public forum and it was just a few messages back and forth about Dragon Ball Z. That's it. It was nothing. My ex wakes up in the middle of the night crying. It's so intense that she can't handle it. She wakes up and writes me a note.

 

How does a person go from being that sensitive over what was basically nothing to terminating a relationship like it's nothing at all.

 

Also, she never once provided me with a reason for breaking up with me that held up to the slightest bit of scrutiny or wasn't completely generic. Like "I know you can find someone you really love that you actually want to do things for." Meanwhile, I had been living in misery, hanging on, hoping that someday we could live a life together.

[propagandalf]

That may be tough to accept but I believe that it also limited you in your life and in your development. There is a great big world out there, full of interesting things and people. I think it's time for you to learn how to move past this and explore the world around you. Lots of people go through break-ups and lots of people find them really, really hard to get past. But take heart in knowing that most people get past it and learn to love again. You can do this, but you can't as long as you allow yourself to stay stuck in the past. What you're doing is trying to control things that are beyond your control. This isn't benefitting you in any way.

 

The thing is, I'm not in this state all the time. I've tried all kinds of things in the last three years. It's like I start trying to run, and, every time, I stumble and fall. I can only pick myself back up so many times.

[propagandalf]

And, just so this doesn't appear one sided, she actually said to me "If I were you, I would hate me and the dude she's with." How can a person do something that they think legitimizes their former best friend's hatred for them and be perfectly okay with it? Of course, who knows what best friend even means.

 

She also took my dog, which is constantly stirring up these feelings. I adopted the dog while I was in Florida and she was working on her internship because I was lonely. We didn't have internet or TV, so all I did was practice guitar and play with the dog/take her for walks. I would take her for hours and hours of walks. I remember criticizing my ex, 2-3 years later, saying "My average walk is longer than the longest walk you've ever taken her on." I took her to training classes. Then, my ex just decides that she's her dog, period. When I spoke to her on the phone - and this is more evidence how she's able to manipulate her own feelings - I was able to convince her that she had no right to take the dog with me, and she said in this quiet little voice "I don't know if I can give her away." Although, she gave our cat away as soon as we broke up, on a whim, because she couldn't have run away with the cat. This was my cat, too. The reason she was able to do all these things is that I was trying not to contact her, in hopes that she would go out with me once this fake trial separation that she never really agreed to was over. That cat was everything to her at one point - the love of her life. She just completely forgot about her, just like she did me. In fact, this really bothered me about her before we broke up, but I never thought her weird character flaws would affect me. I start missing my dog, and then I get really angry. I forgot to finish the story. After admitting that she had no right to the dog, she went right back to her old position over text, real arrogant about it, too. "Ha, she's my dog." I'm like begging to talk to me, telling her that there are things I need to say, begging her for closure. I don't even know if she's getting my messages. The only thing she says to me is "Cut your mustache." Plus, the guy she's dating was my friend. He did it in secret. He blocked me on facebook, then invited her to live with him because she needed a place to move.