it's been three years, i can't cope

[whichwayisup]

She sounds like an awful person, not sure why you're still hung up on her?

 

She got rid of your cat, took your dog, dated your friend, played with your emotions.

 

Please, do everything you can to work through this so you can live life again, feel good and most of all, find a great woman who loves you, respects you and cares for you. Don't you want that for yourself? If yes, then PUSH yourself hard to fight the sadness, find a good therapist to help you totally let go and cope with this in a healthier way.

[Melrapuo]

She sounds like an awful person, not sure why you're still hung up on her?

 

She got rid of your cat, took your dog, dated your friend, played with your emotions.

 

Please, do everything you can to work through this so you can live life again, feel good and most of all, find a great woman who loves you, respects you and cares for you. Don't you want that for yourself? If yes, then PUSH yourself hard to fight the sadness, find a good therapist to help you totally let go and cope with this in a healthier way.

 

This. No matter how awesome you thought you ex was or hoped she'd be, she really didn't turn out that way. I've had my own issues with letting go, but I'm learning that it's really just a habit more than anything else. I've held on for so long it just feels weird not to keep holding on. Sometimes taking a step back puts things into perspective

[Mrin]

OP: Watch this video. Please.

[propagandalf]

OP: Watch this video. Please.

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. It just seems more complicated than that. I'm not stagnating. I've taken up new hobbies. I've dated new people. I've made a few new friends. I opened an ETSY shop. I moved out of state and lived with this girl for two months. I've been coming up with plans from the very start, and starting on them, too.

 

It's like I've fallen down a mountainside. Not only do I have to climb the entire mountain again, but I'm starting out bleeding with broken bones. The injuries hurt, they cause me to fall back down, the effort climbing, the discomfort of being at the bottom - there so much going on, not just one thing.

[propagandalf]

She sounds like an awful person, not sure why you're still hung up on her?

 

She got rid of your cat, took your dog, dated your friend, played with your emotions.

 

 

It's even worse than that. <-- When I wrote that, I wasn't even thinking about this --> My parents treated her like a daughter. She supposedly loved them and still loves them, and thought of them as her parents. They let her stay live at their home. They let her live at my grandma's condo for a year for free. They took her on vacation more than once. She had never been to the beach before that. They took her to innumerable dinners. They gave her all kinds of money and gifts for every holiday. They threw her little parties. They helped her out financially. My mom made her hand-made gifts and cards for her birthday. Well, right as we broke up, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My ex never even bothered to check and see how she was doing. Even if she didn't want to risk speaking to me, she could have asked one of my friends. It would have only taken a second. She didn't. Then, when I confronted her about it, she just had some lame excuse, which is what she has for everything. Whenever she would apologize for anything, I always had the sense that she wasn't really capable of apologizing. It's always "I'm sorry, but here's why I did it, and I'd do it again exactly the same way."

 

(she's doing very well now, her treatment was as effective as cancer treatment can possibly.

 

I don't know. If I could just write her off completely as a terrible person, I would, but I can't. Even if I believed that she were completely terrible, she would still be a person. I'm having trouble thinking of how to put this into words. I don't mean "person" in the sense that she still has value or deserves anything from me.

 

I've seen a show about prison where the mother of a murder victim comes in to confront the murderer. Obviously, she was hung up on him in a sense, even though he's a killer.

 

I'm not saying it's the same thing.

 

This person was the most important person in my life for ten years. I was open with her in a way that I've never been open with anyone else. I related to her in a way that I've never related to anyone else. She was my partner. No one else has occupied that role. I truly loved her, as strongly as a person can love. My idea of love, the feeling itself, is wrapped with who she is. Romantic love, for me, is her. I was living for "us" for so long. Most of my stories used the pronoun "we," not "I." In fact, I had to break that habit when we broke up. Her being ****ty isn't enough to cover over all of that.

 

When she left me, it felt like the punchline to a 10-year-long set-up - a really cruel joke.

 

Let's say you're adopted when you're 5. Imagine that at 15, your, up to that point, extremely loving adopted family just leaves, and doesn't ever talk to you again. Imagine all the moments of them raising you, teaching you, etc. Those ten years would have been your world, your whole life. The fact that they probably ended up being ****ty people just doesn't seem to answer anything.

 

You know what's a better analogy, and this is exactly what it felt like. Austin Powers is all about his relationship with Elizabeth Hurley. She starts out hating him. He grows on her. She ultimately changes him. They live happily ever after. Then, in Austin Powers 2, within the first couple of minutes, it's revealed that she's actually a fem-bot. The joke is that obviously she couldn't possibly be a fem-bot. It's funny to use that ridiculous, unbelievable explanation. Now, imagine Austin Powers is actually 10 years long and you lived it instead of watched it. Then, Austin Powers 2 starts with the same stupid explanation. She was a fem-bot the whole time. It makes it that much more ridiculous and unbelievable, but it happened.

 

When conversations have been going on for years, they take on new meaning and new dimensions. When, you can look back 10 years, several stages of your life earlier, and see the same person, it's different than looking back 1-2 years, or 10 years (maybe even 20 years) when you're 50.

 

Sorry, I'm just trying to express where I'm coming from. I don't mean to imply that you, personally, haven't had a similar experience, or need this level of explanation. I know that I haven't had it any worse than many other people, and I know my relationship wasn't the longest that's ever been.

Edited March 31, 2016 by propagandalf

[PinkElephants]

My parents treated her like a daughter. She supposedly loved them and still loves them, and thought of them as her parents. They let her stay live at their home. They let her live at my grandma's condo for a year for free. They took her on vacation more than once. She had never been to the beach before that. They took her to innumerable dinners. They gave her all kinds of money and gifts for every holiday. They threw her little parties. They helped her out financially. My mom made her hand-made gifts and cards for her birthday. Well, right as we broke up, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My ex never even bothered to check and see how she was doing.

Do you think she owes you/doesn't have the right to leave after everything your family did for her?

 

I appreciate you're effort and that you're trying to help, but I don't think you can really say what I'm thinking with so little information about what went on. Yeah, people can change for no reason, but it's a slow change. They can't change for no reason in the blink of an eye. Imagine how much went on between us over the course of ten years. Imagine all the things I provided for her, on a human level. Her brain must have had lots of neurons devoted to me. They couldn't have all been rewired over the course of a week. You're going to want to think that something was going on for a long time, and that I just didn't see it, but that's not the case.

Yeah, your relationship was waaaay more complex than anything we've been in, we can't possibly understand, you saw everything in your relationship and didn't miss a thing.

 

When I left my ex he was probably blindsided. According to him it came out of nowhere, we weren't fighting, we got along etc. The truth is that I'd given up. I didn't fight because I didn't want to, I got along because I had no interest in trying to fix our problems. It was a slow change over weeks and months and was finally triggered by something he never even noticed. I ended 4 years in 4 sentences and walked away without looking back. Sometimes you're blind to what you don't want to see.

 

The point really is that it's been 3 years and you're hanging on to someone who doesn't want you. What are you going to do about it? So far, on this board, you've argued the reasons for the breakup and the complexity of your devotion to each other but she's gone. Stop trying to analyze her and figure out a person that no longer cares. All it does is serve to keep you stuck.

 

Do you even want to get over her or are you here so you can keep talking about her and that somehow keeps the relationship alive for you?

[propagandalf]

Do you think she owes you/doesn't have the right to leave after everything your family did for her?

 

No, those other people were saying that she sounded like a terrible person, and I was saying that despite having even more reasons to think that she's a terrible person, like the anecdote I provided, it doesn't really matter to me. I was saying that I can't think of her as a terrible person. The point of the anecdote is that she didn't check to see if my mother was doing alright or dying or dead. It was also me venting. It feels like a betrayal. My mom showed this person love, and she doesn't even care if she's dying or not. It's upsetting.

 

But, yeah, I do think she owes me, not because of what my parents did for her, but because I devoted 10 years to her. How much of that time was spent doing things I didn't want to do in order to make her happy? I feel like there is an underlying agreement between people that they will respect the sacrifices that they make for each other. Had I known that she would have left me in this fashion, I wouldn't have spent one second on her. I feel as though she cheated me out of my time, my love, my experiences. I could have spent all that effort on someone who appreciated it. What does she owe me? A little respect, to treat me like the friend that I was for all that time, to speak with me.

 

I realize this is an unpopular way of thinking. Does anyone really owe anyone anything? You can tear down any code of conduct if you want to. Do you think a husband owes a wife fidelity or commitment just because they made some empty promises to each other?

 

 

Yeah, your relationship was waaaay more complex than anything we've been in, we can't possibly understand, you saw everything in your relationship and didn't miss a thing.

 

Except for the part about being way more complex than anything "we" have been in, I think that's pretty spot on. I wouldn't expect anyone to understand the nature of my relationship and the people involved without knowing anything about it. No, I don't believe I did miss a thing. I believe I saw everything.

 

When I left my ex he was probably blindsided. According to him it came out of nowhere, we weren't fighting, we got along etc. The truth is that I'd given up. I didn't fight because I didn't want to, I got along because I had no interest in trying to fix our problems. It was a slow change over weeks and months and was finally triggered by something he never even noticed. I ended 4 years in 4 sentences and walked away without looking back. Sometimes you're blind to what you don't want to see.

 

Did you ever tell him that you loved him?

 

The point really is that it's been 3 years and you're hanging on to someone who doesn't want you. What are you going to do about it? So far, on this board, you've argued the reasons for the breakup and the complexity of your devotion to each other but she's gone. Stop trying to analyze her and figure out a person that no longer cares. All it does is serve to keep you stuck.

 

Well, I can't seem to just let go. I don't know how. I'm analyzing it because I want to come to a conclusion that feels right. You're built differently than I am, as evidenced by your story.

 

Do you even want to get over her or are you here so you can keep talking about her and that somehow keeps the relationship alive for you?

 

Both?

[propagandalf]

 

Please, do everything you can to work through this so you can live life again, feel good and most of all, find a great woman who loves you, respects you and cares for you. Don't you want that for yourself? If yes, then PUSH yourself hard to fight the sadness, find a good therapist to help you totally let go and cope with this in a healthier way.

 

Yes, I do want that. It's hard to even imagine being in a relationship with someone who I wouldn't have to argue with just to get them to respect my feelings. But, I just have all these ideas of who she is that won't seem to change. I still feel bad with other girls. There was just something about the way she understood things, or I imagined that she understood things. It's like I gave her something that I don't know how to get back and give to someone else.

[propagandalf]

PinkElephants,

 

You come across as angry or adversarial because I had the audacity to think that my experience isn't the exact same as yours, and that not everyone behaves the same way. How dare I challenge your belief that I'm an idiot who didn't realize what was going on, and my ex had lots of perfectly valid reasons for doing what she did; that her reasons must have outweighed the importance of the relationship, the time, the energy, the destruction of my ideas and memories, and the inevitable pain it would cause me; that everyone behaves rationally, morally, and do what they absolutely must do to ensure their own happiness.

 

How do you know my ex didn't have a mental illness, a personality disorder, an abandonment issue, or anything else? Wouldn't that make things more complex than your experience? But, no, it's not possible. You know exactly what went on just because you're you, and I'm clearly in denial because I'm me.

[PinkElephants]

PinkElephants,

 

You come across as angry or adversarial because I had the audacity to think that my experience isn't the exact same as yours, and that not everyone behaves the same way. How dare I challenge your belief that I'm an idiot who didn't realize what was going on, and my ex had lots of perfectly valid reasons for doing what she did; that her reasons must have outweighed the importance of the relationship, the time, the energy, the destruction of my ideas and memories, and the inevitable pain it would cause me; that everyone behaves rationally, morally, and do what they absolutely must do to ensure their own happiness.

 

How do you know my ex didn't have a mental illness, a personality disorder, an abandonment issue, or anything else? Wouldn't that make things more complex than your experience? But, no, it's not possible. You know exactly what went on just because you're you, and I'm clearly in denial because I'm me.

I don't believe that you're an idiot but I do think you're in a boatload of denial. I'm also not angry; I think some of the things you're saying are downright silly and it was more rolling my eyes at the special snowflake thought process than anything else. You sit behind your keyboard and argue tooth and nail that it was the most special relationship ever, that no one could possibly understand and you saw everything because you don't miss anything and none of it helps you. Relationships are not that different. Don't you think it's possible that someone could have had one similar to yours? Or that maybe I know what it's like to be your ex? You don't want any other perspectives that challenge your specialness. You're so caught up with being right that you fail to move on.

 

I do think it's perfectly possible that there were things going on that you didn't see. No one sees everything especially when it's something they really don't want to believe. Maybe she hid it from you, maybe you missed it, maybe she spontaneously changed, I don't know.

 

Her reasons don't really matter. Her choice was to end the relationship. To her, it was more important than you, your memories, your feelings, the time invested. To her, freedom was more important and she pursued it. Not everyone behaves rationally or morally but we do tend to try to ensure our own happiness and she did.

 

For the record, my ex did have issues which did make the situation complex. How does that matter here?

 

And, no, I don't know exactly what went on. Neither do you. No matter what went on, she's gone. You can argue about her right to leave all you want but it won't change the outcome.

[PinkElephants]

But, yeah, I do think she owes me...but because I devoted 10 years to her. How much of that time was spent doing things I didn't want to do in order to make her happy?

That was all your choice. You chose to do things to make her happy and it's up to you to live with it.

 

I feel like there is an underlying agreement between people that they will respect the sacrifices that they make for each other.

Sort of. I respect this agreement within my relationship but it's not a reason for the relationship to continue if it's not working. Once she decided it was over she didn't owe you anything for your sacrifices. They were your choice.

 

Had I known that she would have left me in this fashion, I wouldn't have spent one second on her.

This is wildly immature thinking. What happens if you get left in your next relationship? Are you going to have this same thought process? Relationships aren't binding contracts where she owes you something because you were nice.

 

I feel as though she cheated me out of my time, my love, my experiences. I could have spent all that effort on someone who appreciated it.

She didn't cheat you out of anything. You chose to be with her and took the risk that she'd leave. She likely did appreciate everything until it was no longer worth the negative.

 

What does she owe me? A little respect, to treat me like the friend that I was for all that time, to speak with me.

She owes you nothing. Not her time, her body, her love, her friendship, nothing.

 

I believe I saw everything.

Clearly not because if you did, you might have been able to see whatever it was that caused her to leave before it happened.

 

Did you ever tell him that you loved him?

I did until I no longer loved him.

 

Well, I can't seem to just let go. I don't know how. I'm analyzing it because I want to come to a conclusion that feels right.

What would feel right to you? Everything you write suggests she violated your sense of justice. She owes you. She betrayed you by not caring about your mom. She took your youth. She took your time. She stole your experiences. Where's the personal responsibility? You gave your time. You shared experiences. Your decade of investment doesn't ensure you a decade more.

 

You seem to think that your investment was worth more than her happiness or freedom. Your pain at being left was more important than her pain at staying. Keeping your fantasies about the future intact was more important than her future plans. Why are you so much more important than her?

 

The bottom line is that she had the right to leave and not care. Her reasons don't really matter. She has the right to not want you and she doesn't owe you anything for the things you chose to give. Until you come to terms with the fact that she has free will, she doesn't owe you, she doesn't have to want you then I'm afraid you'll stay stuck. You simply aren't going to get the justice/conclusion you want.

 

It's been 3 years; how many more are you going to spend trying to get something you'll never have? Again, I'm not angry at you. You're clearly in pain by your own choice; that's what I don't understand. You are choosing to analyze, you are choosing to stay in pain. Why?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I've read this thread with interest. I am sorry you are still struggling to let go after 3 years.

 

I'm curious to know (and sorry if I missed it somewhere in the thread) what your therapist's assessment is of you and your feelings surrounding this break-up. You mentioned that once of therapists suggested she might suffer form her own emotional issues, but what has she/he said in the evaluation of you? What steps have they suggested to regain your own personal well-being, independent of analyzing your ex-girlfriend and the relationship?

 

I see you have analyzed the relationship in quite a lot of detail in this thread. So I ask you, what do you hope to gain from posting here? And I mean that as a sincere question; no snark intended at all. Are you hoping for advice in moving on? Needing a place to vent? Suggestions as to how you could maybe reignite something? Remorse because you feel the break-up was something you could have controlled? (it wasn't, by the way. A few details in your post jumped out at me and indicated she was already emotionally detaching a while before she actually left)

 

It certainly can help to write it all out and get some feedback from people who don't know you (ie, us!) It's clear that this is in the past for her, but you're stuck in that pain. She isn't coming back, but you can move forward. Many of us here have been in years-long relationships too, myself included. I left one ex whom I'd lived with and cared about, but had fallen out of love with. I tried to force myself into being happy, tried to still make plans for the future, tried to suppress those nagging feelings that I needed to leave. We had an apartment, car, pet, the whole nine. He too would have told you the break-up was out of the blue but I can assure you it wasn't. I tried to out on a happy face and rekindle those loving feelings - until I could just no longer pretend. It was over before I actually pulled the plug. He didn't do anything wrong, and I felt terrible hurting him and saying goodbye; he is a lovely man. But we weren't meant to be in the long-run. I started dating someone else relatively soon after too, which was only possible because I'd already mentally detached from my ex. It wasn't even a process I was totally aware of, but there it is.

Edited April 1, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[propagandalf]

That was all your choice. You chose to do things to make her happy and it's up to you to live with it.

 

I'll respond to all your points, but I know we're never going to see eye to eye. I see exactly why you're saying what you're saying, and it's because you imagine that things happened in a certain way that they did not, and that I'm thinking these about a completely different scenario. You're not going to accept that she just left on a whim, that her momentary discomfort or fear of coping with actual issues was more important than a relationship that we had been building for years.

 

I have two therapists. One said she sounds like she has the emotional development of a 16-year-old and doesn't care about relationships. The other one said that she sounds like someone with BPD. Why would people who specialize in human personalities and behaviors believe those things when it's so clear that she must have been feeling some way for a long enough time that it became necessary for her to leave in order to be happy? Did you read all my posts explaining the situation?

 

Yes, of course I have to live with my choices. However, my choices were based on certain assumptions about who she was, and what it means to be in a relationship with her. She let me believe those things, when they weren't really true. Suppose you're the victim of a con-artist, who marries you only so they can take half your stuff in a divorce. It was your choice to marry that person, and you have to live with it. They didn't do anything against the law. Surely it's a little more complicated than it merely being your choice, though? No, I'm not saying it's the exact same thing because I don't think she was intentionally deceiving me.

 

 

 

Sort of. I respect this agreement within my relationship but it's not a reason for the relationship to continue if it's not working. Once she decided it was over she didn't owe you anything for your sacrifices. They were your choice.

 

Do you think if someone makes a promise to you that they owe it to you to keep that promise?

 

I'm not saying it's a reason for the relationship to continue.

 

You're not going to convince me that I wasn't owed anything. I'm not saying she owed me her happiness or her life. I'm saying that I was owed a certain amount of respect equivalent to what I had sacrificed for the relationship. I made those choices under the assumption that we were building something, that we cared about each other, that we were friends.

 

 

This is wildly immature thinking. What happens if you get left in your next relationship? Are you going to have this same thought process? Relationships aren't binding contracts where she owes you something because you were nice.

 

I find it absurd that you think you can tell me how I should feel about how I spent my life. The way it ended completely ruined the entire thing. It was all based on a false belief about who she was, what her words meant, what it all meant. Who she turned out to be erased all the meaning from all the memories.

 

It's not about being left! It's how it happened. Yes, if it happens this way again after I've made my self vulnerable and loved another person with all my heart, I probably will feel the same way.

 

She owes you nothing. Not her time, her body, her love, her friendship, nothing.

 

It's a lot easier to say that now, but imagine the moment when the relationship first became something negative, and she was still in the relationship. At that point, did she owe me anything? Effort? Thought? Compassion? Consideration? Don't people inherently owe other people compassion - to act in such a way that minimizes both people's suffering?

 

Suppose you work every day for a year on a gift for someone. Do you think that they owe it to you to treat that gift with respect? It's theirs. They can throw it in the trash if they want, right?

 

I feel like your concept of "owed" is just whatever the law says one person owes another, or tradition.

 

Clearly not because if you did, you might have been able to see whatever it was that caused her to leave before it happened.

 

Just because I couldn't predict the future doesn't mean I was unaware of what was going on in the present. Knowing how all the parts are going to interact is a lot different than just knowing all the parts.

 

What would feel right to you? Everything you write suggests she violated your sense of justice. She owes you. She betrayed you by not caring about your mom. She took your youth. She took your time. She stole your experiences. Where's the personal responsibility? You gave your time. You shared experiences. Your decade of investment doesn't ensure you a decade more.

 

I don't think my decade of investment ensures me a decade more. What I think it should have ensured me is some bit of commitment or consideration. I don't think you're going to accept that she didn't feel anything even close to outweighing the mass of the relationship. It was surreal. It was like a nightmare. Even a year later, it still seemed unbelievable or absurd. If it had turned out that we were all living in the Matrix that would have been more believable to me than the way this happened. So, why would you believe that it happened in this manner, when I couldn't believe it while it was happening.

 

What if she really had BPD? Can you take that possibility seriously?

 

"Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away, and self-injury."

 

"As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain"

 

She was literally obsessed with her job. As soon as she broke up with me, which, again, I initiated, she quit her job and moved out of state.

 

I think if someone spends ten years of their life on you, you should treat them accordingly. I think you "owe" it to them. I think when I say "owed" you think I mean that she has to do these things or else. That's not what I'm saying.

 

You're right. I do think she violated my sense of "justice." It's somewhat more nuanced than that, but that's it.

 

You seem to think that your investment was worth more than her happiness or freedom. Your pain at being left was more important than her pain at staying. Keeping your fantasies about the future intact was more important than her future plans. Why are you so much more important than her?

 

No, I don't think that. If I thought that her pain at staying was even remotely comparable to the pain I've been through, if I thought her happiness without me would be significantly greater than her happiness with me, then this would be much easier to deal with. But, again, you're assuming that she must have done these calculations and thought it over carefully.

 

I lived in complete unhappiness with the relationship. I went years and years in a state of depression because I couldn't bring myself to hurt her, so you're just completely wrong about me being selfish, egocentric, or inconsiderate.

 

 

The bottom line is that she had the right to leave and not care. Her reasons don't really matter. She has the right to not want you and she doesn't owe you anything for the things you chose to give. Until you come to terms with the fact that she has free will, she doesn't owe you, she doesn't have to want you then I'm afraid you'll stay stuck. You simply aren't going to get the justice/conclusion you want.

 

Yeah, everyone has the right to do anything they want to anyone as long as it's within the bounds of the law and they are fine with the pain and destruction they cause. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with. When you've spent 1/3 of your total life and your entire adult life with someone, and they just throw you away like a piece of garbage there's a lot more to it than whether they had the right to do it or not.

 

It's been 3 years; how many more are you going to spend trying to get something you'll never have? Again, I'm not angry at you. You're clearly in pain by your own choice; that's what I don't understand. You are choosing to analyze, you are choosing to stay in pain. Why?

 

I don't know. I can't give her up emotionally.

[propagandalf]

OP, I've read this thread with interest. I am sorry you are still struggling to let go after 3 years.

 

I'm curious to know (and sorry if I missed it somewhere in the thread) what your therapist's assessment is of you and your feelings surrounding this break-up. You mentioned that once of therapists suggested she might suffer form her own emotional issues, but what has she/he said in the evaluation of you? What steps have they suggested to regain your own personal well-being, independent of analyzing your ex-girlfriend and the relationship?

 

I see you have analyzed the relationship in quite a lot of detail in this thread. So I ask you, what do you hope to gain from posting here? And I mean that as a sincere question; no snark intended at all. Are you hoping for advice in moving on? Needing a place to vent? Suggestions as to how you could maybe reignite something? Remorse because you feel the break-up was something you could have controlled? (it wasn't, by the way. A few details in your post jumped out at me and indicated she was already emotionally detaching a while before she actually left)

 

It certainly can help to write it all out and get some feedback from people who don't know you (ie, us!) It's clear that this is in the past for her, but you're stuck in that pain. She isn't coming back, but you can move forward. Many of us here have been in years-long relationships too, myself included. I left one ex whom I'd lived with and cared about, but had fallen out of love with. I tried to force myself into being happy, tried to still make plans for the future, tried to suppress those nagging feelings that I needed to leave. We had an apartment, car, pet, the whole nine. He too would have told you the break-up was out of the blue but I can assure you it wasn't. I tried to out on a happy face and rekindle those loving feelings - until I could just no longer pretend. It was over before I actually pulled the plug. He didn't do anything wrong, and I felt terrible hurting him and saying goodbye; he is a lovely man. But we weren't meant to be in the long-run. I started dating someone else relatively soon after too, which was only possible because I'd already mentally detached from my ex. It wasn't even a process I was totally aware of, but there it is.

 

So, I've seen two therapists. One said that I was dealing with it the healthy way. He also suggested that I try to forgive her. My other therapist thinks that it's not unusual for the grieving process to last this long, considering that we were like life partners.

 

Neither really suggested any steps I could take to move forward. My main therapist knows that I have lots of my own stuff going on, and I think that's all she thinks I can do. I actually want to find another, better therapist.

 

I guess the reason I originally posted is that I was venting and also a primal cry for help. I felt desperate and didn't know what else to do. It was something well though out.

 

it wasn't, by the way. A few details in your post jumped out at me and indicated she was already emotionally detaching a while before she actually left

 

I know this makes me seem stubborn, but I can't believe that.

 

One reason is that this:

 

I tried to force myself into being happy, tried to still make plans for the future, tried to suppress those nagging feelings that I needed to leave.

 

was me. I wasn't trying to hide it either. I wanted moments to be good, so I tried not to let it out, but it came out. If she was feeling the same way, you'd think it would engage with the way I felt. That never happened. She remained extremely affectionate and loving, way beyond what she needed to be to pretend anything. She talked about me endlessly to her acquaintances like I was the most interesting person in the world.

 

That's why this has been so hard to deal with - because it didn't happen that way. I want it to have happened like that. If she had felt some way for a long time then why didn't she say that? Why didn't she explain things in that way? Wouldn't it be so much easier to say "I'm not happy anymore and I've held on for as long as I can. I don't think I can be happy with you." than to say stuff that sounded like she just made up in the moment. She actually said "It's gross that you've only had sex with me." like it was "twee" or something, like she didn't like the aesthetics of that fact. She later denied saying it. That was a reason she gave for breaking up with me.

 

This is a person who had no friends, who only wanted to do stuff with me. I encouraged her to make friends. I would also lament the fact that we were never a part of things. She just ignored it like it didn't matter. She worked so much that she didn't have time for friends. So, I'm talking to her on the phone, saying something about keeping a relationship fresh, and she says "You know what keeps a relationship fresh - having friends? I have lots of friends now." This is after years of me trying to be a part of things socially and get her to be more social. I'm like "We didn't have friends because we didn't have time for friends because of your job." She says "I did work a lot." I mean, she worked like a slave and it's not just me who thinks that. It's not contestable. She doesn't even realize how much she was working. But, she blames me for her not having friends. That's the type of thing that's hard to deal with because at the time of her leaving, she didn't want to think about anything.

[whichwayisup]

I actually want to find another, better therapist.

 

Then keep looking. The other two therapists aren't helping you truly grieve and let go of her so you can feel happy again and date others without feeling bad or guilty.

 

Have you thought about grief counseling? A trained therapist in that field can guide you through the process. It is like she died because she isn't the person you built her up to be. She let you down, she used you, hurt you and you still saw mostly the good in her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Then keep looking. The other two therapists aren't helping you truly grieve and let go of her so you can feel happy again and date others without feeling bad or guilty.

 

Have you thought about grief counseling? A trained therapist in that field can guide you through the process. It is like she died because she isn't the person you built her up to be. She let you down, she used you, hurt you and you still saw mostly the good in her.

 

I completely agree.

 

After three years you're still not moving on and your therapists haven't recommended any steps to take to let go? You need to find a therapist who actually knows what they're doing.

 

I have an ex who is diagnosed BPD. I am no expert but I am well-versed and have personal experience with the disorder. Unless you're leaving out critical details, your ex-girlfriend fortunately doesn't sound BPD. I would be very hesitant to return to a therapist who says she is.

 

But that honestly doesn't matter. It's not about her anymore. It's about you. You spend too much time trying to be "right" about her and prove why her leaving you wasn't the right choice, rather than focusing on ways to move yourself forward. Your energy is being channeled in the wrong direction and it's keeping you stuck in the past. She is long gone now. Yes, it's sad and yes, I've been there. But obsessing over the reasons behind it aren't the most important anymore. Your inability to move on is what's concerning. That is where your therapist should be focusing.

 

The above suggestion of a grief counselor isn't a bad idea; you might find their input very helpful. I myself saw a grief counselor, albeit for different reasons (death of an ex-boyfriend) I was fortunate that I had a tremendously skilled and experienced one. I urge you to seek out the same. And hopefully, you will finally start to accept the end of this relationship and begin the healing process.

[Ellie35]

"But that honestly doesn't matter. It's not about her anymore. It's about you. You spend too much time trying to be "right" about her and prove why her leaving you wasn't the right choice, rather than focusing on ways to move yourself forward. Your energy is being channeled in the wrong direction and it's keeping you stuck in the past. She is long gone now. Yes, it's sad and yes, I've been there. But obsessing over the reasons behind it aren't the most important anymore. Your inability to move on is what's concerning. That is where your therapist should be focusing."

 

This is what's important here. Nobody knows why she left, whether she has BPD , your therapists can make assumptions but I would hazard a guess that you were pushing that agenda in your attempts to figure her out, who cares whether she owes you anything because she is certainly not paying you back...

 

The simple truth here is we have all been heartbroken and obsessed with our exs. We have all had vengeful thoughts and hopeful thoughts. I have had severe anxiety. But the reality really is you have a choice. And your choice is to move on or stay stuck.

[propagandalf]

Thanks for the recommendation. I will look into grief counseling.

 

I know it sounds like I'm constantly analyzing why this happened, but I'm not. I've already done that. What seems like analysis is me trying to convince others of what I think is true about what happened, which is part of my difficulty with coping. If I say "This is what happened, and this is how I feel about that," and someone says "No, you just don't understand how people work, you missed this and that, here's what was actually happening," and either I know that's not true or can't possibly believe it, for whatever reason, then whatever issues I have aren't going to be addressed.

 

But, I guess it always just comes down to letting go. It's very hard because the way I understand who she is on an emotional level doesn't seem to change.

 

We used to rock climb together. We would go to the local rock climbing wall 4-5 times a week for years. It also happens to be where we met her new boyfriend. I even asked to please not date anyone from the climbing community and she promised that she wouldn't. But, I've put a lot of work into climbing and I "refuse" to have it taken from me, so I'm constantly going there and being reminded of everything.

 

Plus, I keep getting upset about my dog, then pushing it down. Then, it crops up again.

[BC1980]

You feel like she owes you something. That's understandable. The problem is that she isn't going to make good on the debt. Relationships aren't like monetary debts that are black and white. She will never make it up to you or pay you back in the way you feel is fair. The only way forward is to forgive the debt by letting it go. What ect you feel that she owes you, let it go.

 

Regarding your feelings, everyone is having their own experience. The feelings are not always simpatico. But that's OK.

Edited April 7, 2016 by BC1980

[propagandalf]

This might sound like nit-picking because the answer is still the same - let go. It's the only thing I can do. But, the main issue isn't that I think she owes me something; it's that I feel grievously wronged. I don't want to go into all the details about what it was like in relationship, but she did stuff on a monthly basis that caused me a ton of stress, and that anyone less naive than I was would have broken up with her over. It built up and built up until I was thinking about it constantly, thinking I was depressed. My whole life revolved around this depression, and trying to cure it so that I could be happy with her. I thought we were so special, and that she thought the same thing. I would have lived the rest of my life in utter unhappiness for her because I loved her. I know that's stupid, but that's how I felt. And, I was waiting and waiting to have a life with her. I wanted to move away and rock climb everyday. Sounds pretty far-fetched and unrealistic, right? Well, that's exactly what she went and did as soon as she broke up with me, after I waited for what seemed like forever for her. She broke up with me because she "had an epiphany." She was actually doing experiments by kissing me to see if she felt anything. I told her that you don't feel things when you're running tests for them. She ignored me, only to tell me that it was a "good point" two years later, after she had used the tests as reason to leave me. The bottom line is that I gave up so much because I loved her and she was important to me, and she couldn't even put up with any bit of discomfort. She abandoned me like I meant nothing. She told me that I would find someone that I really loved. It's so hard to have someone destroy your whole life and take the most precious and important things away from you for a bunch of made up nonsense. I mean, she was begging me to go to my 10 year high school reunion which was like a month and a half after we broke up. That's how sudden it went from completely normal to me being a complete stranger to her. I know that if I had acted the way that I acted this never would have happened. It might have happened later, but still.

 

I don't even know what the point of what I'm saying is. I'm trying to explain why I'm having such a hard time with this. I want her to know what happened or admit it, and not hide behind all this stuff she made up. She told me that I don't love her. I don't want her to believe that. I want her to accept that the love she wanted was there, and in greater amounts than she could even imagine. I want her to feel that, and know that she didn't leave me because I didn't love her.

[Zapbasket]

I would have lived the rest of my life in utter unhappiness for her because I loved her.

 

Right there. Re-read what you wrote. THIS is the thing you need to focus on--where, and from what origin(s) within you and your past experience, this notion resides in you that love for another person should require a persistent state of "utter unhappiness." Loving someone can involve some measure of sacrifice at times--indeed any long-term commitment to anyone or anything can and should--but nothing should ever require the complete dissipation of your well-being. If it does, it's a sign that something is way out of balance. You can be proactive and take steps to restore the balance, and indeed any relationship or commitment is a "balancing act" more than a static state of well-being or the lack thereof, but at some point you have to ask yourself whether the balancing act provides any nurturance, or whether it is robbing you of your sense of self--in short, your well-being. And then you have to take action based on the answer.

 

Your statement leaped out at me because I know the feeling: I'm fiercely loyal and derive a lot of pride from a "never give up" attitude, and I readily sacrificed my well-being in order to keep relationships, believing that doing so was in itself a pay-off because I still "had" the relationship. I've since learned that there are many flaws to this way of thinking. For one, a relationship is never just "yours"--that's what the term "relationship" means: an interaction between one thing and another that bonds them in some way. But (and this is Flawed Thinking #2) it's not bondage, and any relationship is a constant negotiation, of balance being lost and re-created over and over again. It's those losses of balance that enable growth to occur--growth of the relationship as well as of the individuals in it; unfortunately, they also are the fissures that can break a relationship. And one person cannot control whether the shifting relationship dynamics lead to a strengthening of the bond, or a breakup; the relationship exists because TWO people have agreed to be in it, separately, and with separate, and often unarticulated, motivations.

 

What seems to hold you back is your thinking that she wronged you by leaving the relationship. It certainly feels that way; believe me, I can relate, as can many others on this site; but in the end, leaving a relationship because you feel it no longer serves you is anyone's right, including yours. Of course, there are kinder and more self-aware ways to go about it, perhaps, than your ex chose (or was capable of), but the act of leaving in and of itself isn't an attack on you, or act against you.

 

The other thing holding you back, it seems, is your notion that there is any valor or real gain in complete self-abnegation in order to stay in a relationship. Certainly people bail on relationships because they lack the strong character chops it takes to work through difficulties, but the equally negative inverse of that is to doggedly stay in a relationship that no longer serves you in any palpable way. For the negotiation necessary for a relationship to thrive to occur, BOTH parties in the relationship have to be actively engaged in defining, re-defining, and pursuing their own individual happiness, and seeking happiness within the relationship as well as beyond it. Perhaps your ex was on to something when she insisted you didn't really love her: how can being unhappily attached feel like love? Part of feeling someone's love for you is feeling that they are happy in relationship with you. So from her perspective, quite possibly your unhappiness spoke more loudly to her than your love.

 

I won't tell you that you should indeed look for a different therapist, or therapists. I will say that if your therapy is not presenting ever more complex questions about YOU, and YOUR individual dynamics, then perhaps you are not getting out of it what you need at this time. You have to dislodge some of your current thinking in order to explore new thinking that will help lead you out of this anguish. It doesn't feel good, but it's the only way to get to a place where you are open to your present and future and this long, complex and no doubt beautiful-at-times relationship with this girl serves as a salient and educational part of your PAST.

 

No judgement here for being where you are right now. This sh*t is hard, and takes a long time to work through to attain some measure of clarity and equilibrium. You will get there, if you do the work.

Edited April 7, 2016 by GreenCove

[BC1980]

This might sound like nit-picking because the answer is still the same - let go. It's the only thing I can do. But, the main issue isn't that I think she owes me something; it's that I feel grievously wronged.

 

If you feel like you were wronged, doesn't that also mean you feel she owes you something to make it right. That she should right this? That the universe should right this? That this entire experience was unfair? I do understand how you feel because I also felt the way you feel. I felt I was wronged, and I felt that I was treated unfairly. And I was really angry about that for a long time. But the only way I was able to move on was to realize that and accept that life is sometimes unfair and that my ex would never be able to make things "right." There would never be any sort of justice for me. Not in a way that made sense. The only way to move on was to let go of what had happened by realizing that my ex could never make any of it right.

[propagandalf]

If you feel like you were wronged, doesn't that also mean you feel she owes you something to make it right. That she should right this? That the universe should right this? That this entire experience was unfair? I do understand how you feel because I also felt the way you feel. I felt I was wronged, and I felt that I was treated unfairly. And I was really angry about that for a long time. But the only way I was able to move on was to realize that and accept that life is sometimes unfair and that my ex would never be able to make things "right." There would never be any sort of justice for me. Not in a way that made sense. The only way to move on was to let go of what had happened by realizing that my ex could never make any of it right.

 

No, because I feel like she wronged me by giving our cat away without telling me to whom and then making it impossible to find her. I feel like she wronged me by taking our dog that I adopted without giving me any say in the matter. I feel like she wronged me in the way she played games with me for months and ignored the way I felt. I especially think she wronged me by promising not to date anyone from the climbing community we were a a part of then going and dating my best friend from that community. I have go to the place they met, think about all the times the three of us were together and how those times were just the set-up for their relationship, and it was just an illusion that I was her partner. I can forgive her for everything, except that. That ruined everything.

 

But, I don't expect any of those wrongs to be righted, by her or by the universe. I don't think she owes me anything (although, I still want my dog).

 

It's the breakup, though. I want her to know and accept what happened, which is this: I struggled with the relationship for years. I said before that she admitted that she didn't understand that I was upset when I was upset. She thought I was just some disgruntled cartoon. It was years of that. It wasn't constant, but it was constantly on my mind. I was trying to get through to her. She was just oblivious. Finally, when she woke up to the fact that something was actually wrong, and things weren't perfect, rather than try to understand what was wrong, she just dumped me and ran away.

 

Still, the answer is the same. I just have to let go.

 

Greencove, I will respond to you later.

[BC1980]

It's the breakup, though. I want her to know and accept what happened, which is this: I struggled with the relationship for years. I said before that she admitted that she didn't understand that I was upset when I was upset. She thought I was just some disgruntled cartoon. It was years of that. It wasn't constant, but it was constantly on my mind. I was trying to get through to her. She was just oblivious. Finally, when she woke up to the fact that something was actually wrong, and things weren't perfect, rather than try to understand what was wrong, she just dumped me and ran away.

 

Still, the answer is the same. I just have to let go.

 

I understand how you feel. Basically, you want her to understand how you have felt this entire time. You want her to feel what you have felt. I can tell you now that she will probably never understand your feelings or care to the level that you do. I am sorry for that because I know how it feels to be alone in your grief and your feelings. Everyone has their own emotions, feelings, and interpretations of what happened, so you have to find validation in knowing that your feelings are worthy. Even if she never understands or cares, your feelings are still worth something to you. They are real to you if they are real to no one else.

 

Yes, you have to move on. You need to emotionally detach from her. The question is HOW. I think you still want something out of her that you will never get. Time to realize that you alone are enough.