When there's no one else to talk to ...

[merrmeade]

That was interesting. Wish you had included Shattered.

She was not excluded, 66 ... -

Sl, feel free to add yours (or not ).

... And I cannot compel her to post or anyone else for that matter..

[ShatteredLady]

I'm not sure I can get this to work!

 

I'm in a bit of a different situation. My 1 year of knowing she was back will be Mothers Day (from 12 years ago which was abusive hell that changed me more than I knew or accepted at the time) but I believed they were 'friends'. We even had long talks about how it just improved his ego to talk to her!

 

Mid Aug/Sept I started to hunt for evidence & learnt the truth. He stopped. During this time I had a paralyzing pain in my kidney/spine. Couldn't move! He was still Mr Alien & that was horrible, being so vulnerable & hated! The contempt oozed until he finally, faced with evidence admitted what had REALLY been going on.

 

A little while into reconciliation (a few months) I was diagnosed with cancer & have been through surgeries. All of that was an insurance nightmare. Although he was kind it was very hard since my health is his given reason for the A. I didn't talk openly. I'm not sure he knows what's going on there.

 

 

After D-day, has your spouse lived a faithful life, to each other and no one else?

Yes? I'm pretty sure. He's a computer super geek. It's a leap of faith. I'd bet money on it.

 

Is your relationship, marriage, life better then a year, 5 years, 10 years ago?

Better than a year, sort of. That was hell. My first post here shows what I was thinking. I didn't think he could possibly be cheating. I HATED myself!

Much worse than 5 years ago. Much worse than 10 years ago. Completely different marriage.

 

Is there hope that your spouse will remain faithful and a loving partner?

I don't know. I really don't. I wish I did. We have move back too England because I'm too vulnerable here. We're getting rid of our dream house & a life of 'things'. It's overwhelming.

 

Can you accept what they did to you?

No.

 

Can you deal with your anger towards them, and not let it destroy your present and future?

Don't know. We don't communicate. I've never felt resentment before...it's powerful & weird! I've always analyses, understood & accepted reasoning before.

 

Can you see a path to build a better relationship and marriage, with the one you love?

Yes! I'm hoping that being home. Getting healthy. Getting over my depression etc. I don't know but I hope.

 

It's very hard for me at the moment. Just physically moving home is overwhelming me. I could sleep 24/7. I hurt so much. I haven't even started packing boxes or staging the house yet. Ugh! I can't do this but I must do this.

 

I don't shout & scream. I've talked for hours & felt better & then realized that he hasn't said anything! I already know what I think & feel. I need, NEED to know what's in his head but he says it's all over now.

 

I say "I'm desperately insecure & need help" & he says "& that's ok!".....

[merrmeade]

But I too hope we do hear from you, SL!!

[ShatteredLady]

I couldn't workout how to add mine to the others I'm sorry.

[katielee]

so very honest. Thank you shatteredlady! hoping you find some peace!

[ShatteredLady]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I read others stories about their partners begging them for another chance, saying they will always love them etc.

 

The problem I have (& had the first time) is it takes sooooo long for the truth to come out & im such a people pleaser I find it more natural to hate myself & try to be better, do better & it's impossible so I become a bigger & bigger mess.

 

Then after months - a year of being beaten down the truth comes out. It's almost a relief by then. My H (genuinely) gets deeply depressed. He threatened suicide when I found the emails between them. After my brother killed himself & ive watched my parents & his children so broken it's a silence button on me! (Even though he had researched flights & driving directions to stay with her & NOT suicide at the time he said he was going to do it)

 

You can tell from my posts that I'm not doing very well lately. I've reconnected with an old friend & im slowly telling her everything & that's helping.

[merrmeade]

I couldn't workout how to add mine to the others I'm sorry.

Thank you so much for taking the time. I wish I could come help you pack and you didn't have to do it at all.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I'd sell my soul for a cuddle right now!

 

Shipping & storage costs a fortune so we've got to get rid of most of our 'stuff', a lifetime of stuff & all the memories that go with it.

 

I wish I could borrow some strength. I'm so very tired & weak. I don't know how everyone does this. You're all so incredibly strong. I can't even find the words anymore. No-one even seems to notice that I'm crying all the time. I'm physically & mentally a ball of pain.

 

I'm lucky my kids are little. I collected them from school in a big cardigan (no bra on. Hurts to put it on) & it's 90 degrees!! At least the sweat hid the tears. I'm frightened that my kids are starting to think its normal to have a mother like this. It must be so weird to look at a sad, crying face that's saying perky fun (fake) things.

 

I'm hoping that my parents notice when I'm with them. I feel like a child. I'm clinging on by my fingertips. I just want to give in & fall knowing that someone will catch me.

[merrmeade]

Oh I'd sell my soul for a cuddle right now!

 

Shipping & storage costs a fortune so we've got to get rid of most of our 'stuff', a lifetime of stuff & all the memories that go with it.

 

I wish I could borrow some strength. I'm so very tired & weak. I don't know how everyone does this. You're all so incredibly strong. I can't even find the words anymore. No-one even seems to notice that I'm crying all the time. I'm physically & mentally a ball of pain.

 

I'm lucky my kids are little. I collected them from school in a big cardigan (no bra on. Hurts to put it on) & it's 90 degrees!! At least the sweat hid the tears. I'm frightened that my kids are starting to think its normal to have a mother like this. It must be so weird to look at a sad, crying face that's saying perky fun (fake) things.

 

I'm hoping that my parents notice when I'm with them. I feel like a child. I'm clinging on by my fingertips. I just want to give in & fall knowing that someone will catch me.

But seriously - can't anyone help you???

[ladydesigner]

Oh I'd sell my soul for a cuddle right now!

 

Shipping & storage costs a fortune so we've got to get rid of most of our 'stuff', a lifetime of stuff & all the memories that go with it.

 

I wish I could borrow some strength. I'm so very tired & weak. I don't know how everyone does this. You're all so incredibly strong. I can't even find the words anymore. No-one even seems to notice that I'm crying all the time. I'm physically & mentally a ball of pain.

 

I'm lucky my kids are little. I collected them from school in a big cardigan (no bra on. Hurts to put it on) & it's 90 degrees!! At least the sweat hid the tears. I'm frightened that my kids are starting to think its normal to have a mother like this. It must be so weird to look at a sad, crying face that's saying perky fun (fake) things.

 

I'm hoping that my parents notice when I'm with them. I feel like a child. I'm clinging on by my fingertips. I just want to give in & fall knowing that someone will catch me.

 

(((ShatteredLady))) my heart just breaks for you. I know the pain and desperation you are feeling. Keep talking to your friend you have connected with and build your own support system. I found that building a life for myself outside of my WH has helped me tremendously. I love my lady friends and we have stuck together through thick and thin these last 4 years all of us experiencing different forms of relationship issues.

 

(((merrmeade))) I hope you are still feeling a little better!

 

Wish I could give you all a big hug. No one deserves this pain.

[ShatteredLady]

When I was first here I worked really hard to make friends. We were always having parties, cooking meals for friends at the weekend etc. but most of those people moved away.

 

When I started having kids I joined all the clubs & activities & made some good friends. Then when my spine started to get really bad I became unreliable & cancelled a lot. It all coincided with a friend getting divorced & that split our group up....so strange. More women than not didn't want to be friends with her anymore because she was single!! Is that because wives see a single woman as a threat?? It confused & upset me. I stayed friends with her.

 

Since all of this started I've hardly seen anyone. I'm terrified that I'm going to burst into tears all the time! Add my health & surgeries to that & I've become very isolated.

 

In an emergency I have a couple of ladies who have really gone out of their way to collect the kids from school & things like that....well, just that really! Hahaha!

 

It's different when you have friends & family from your life. Moving around made me & my H very 'us'. You know? He was my family & friend as well as being my H. He does all the shopping & the dishwasher & stuff now. My friend used to come out a lot but Dad & other family have died.

 

It all feels like it's become the 'Perfect Storm'. Everything happening one after the other since my surgery & septic organs too now....

[understand50]

ShatteredLady,

 

I hope that you take everything I say, as just opinion, to be used if a good idea for you is in the mix. If I was you, I would set some goal for myself. I find that with a plan I remain clam and focused. It has been a help for me. So I would set the following:

 

1) Work on getting healthy or as healthy and mobile and pain free as I can. (I know harder then any of us can fathom, but something I feel that would add to your life)

 

2) Try and be social again. Try and find a activity, or group that is at you level and works to bring you in contact with people other then you family. Do not feel that you have to go all out and get so busy that you overwhelm yourself, but look at a group that fits you now. My wife and I volunteer, or she does for me when her group need manpower. I have my hobbies. How about a bridge club? Just an idea.

 

3) Be the best Mother you can. As a parent and grand parent, I find what they really want is my time and attention. How about a family board game night? I think you are being too hard on yourself, and for all your supposed shortcoming, you are giving an example of someone battling against huge odds and not letting your self be beaten down.

 

4) Hey this is the last, your marriage. I think if the other things were in place, much would fall into place here. But for me, date night, a scheduled talk once a month and a effort to see the good in him would help. I noticed from your posts that he does take care of you. One thing you can do is "try and catch him doing good things" and key in on those. Thy and see some positive, the negativity is in the past, and who he is, his personality, is not going to change. So try and see and remember, the man you fell in love with.

 

 

Again, I do not want to come off as all knowing, I am not. Nor do I really know all the troubles and trails you are going through, but I think when you look at things and stand apart for a bit, you will see that they can be overcome and you are the strong, courageous, and lovely woman to do so. Do not forget your courage to go threw all this and still be standing.

 

Maybe I am being Captain Obvious. My only thought is to offer things that worked for me. May for you, but you will have to decide that of all the advise and suggestions you get here on LS, what to use if any. My last thought is that you need to move forward, as where you are is not good, but you can change things, and I think you will for the better. In the end this will benefit, not only yourself, but your husband and family as well.

 

As always I wish you luck......

[merrmeade]

It's just not that simple. Yes, I've been through everything and concluded all the things that have been written here about a healthy mindset.

 

But the fact is that the sh-ttiness of certain things that happened still come up. For example, a reminder just now reading an article about STDs reminded me of getting trichomoniasis years ago when, I now know, he was having an affair. My mind couldn't conceive of having an STD, so I blamed it on visiting a tropical country and told my H that. He complained I'd given HIM a disease.

 

Thinking about it now makes me angry for several reasons I think. One is that I 100% dismissed having an STD because I trusted him implicitly. Another is the fact that I never had the opportunity to be angry. And yet another is the fact that he so arrogantly blamed me for infecting him.

 

So that's the explanation. The experience is feeling annoyed and pissed at him and not wanting to bring it up because I already have and he can't do anything about it but apologize again.

 

Ssorry to ask again. It's not that I forgot. It's just that I don't see what can ever really work. What's the trick again for dealing with these never-ending triggers?? (that was a little facetious)

[katielee]

Thinking about it now makes me angry for several reasons I think. One is that I 100% dismissed having an STD because I trusted him implicitly. Another is the fact that I never had the opportunity to be angry. And yet another is the fact that he so arrogantly blamed me for infecting him.

 

 

)

 

This is enough to keep a person mad for years. I get it. It's.. unacceptable. incomprehensible. cruel.

I don't know how you deal with it. I think those who have remorseful WS can claim mental illness, fog, an alien had their body - whatever it is you can say that makes it ok.

But, you don't have that. I can see how hard this is. I guess one thing merrmeade - be glad YOU are not this kind of person. How do you live with yourself for doing this kind of thing? If your husband is religious, I'm trying to think how he's going to explain this to St. Peter, considering he hasn't done much to make amends. But ya know, being that kind of person is his problem. The thing of it is, these types never seem to care. (I'm thinking of my Dad as I write this.) YOU, on the other hand, can live your life with your head held high!

Hugs!

[66Charger]

Ssorry to ask again. It's not that I forgot. It's just that I don't see what can ever really work. What's the trick again for dealing with these never-ending triggers?? (that was a little facetious)

 

Grey Goose (female)

A few cold Beers (male)

[katielee]

Grey Goose (female)

A few cold Beers (male)

 

or this could work too!

[ShatteredLady]

I can wrap my head around the cheating, the thrill. Why the cruelty? Logically I get the explanation but how do I forget the utter contempt on his face when he was blaming & critisizing me?

 

He chose to torture me to excuse his behavior. I've never allowed a stranger or acquaintance to talk to me, treat me, the was my H did. He's supposed to love & cherish, keep me safe. I've NEVER felt so small & helpless. Totally useless.

 

Supporting chronic pain patients gave me a lot of pleasure. I was learning & using my knowledge to help & support others. I had to resign! I learnt that nearly all young women who suffer from chronic pain will be divorced. I couldn't stop thinking "They should give you your diagnosis & then put you out of your misery".

 

My H changed me from a strong kind person who HELPED others. I have so many letters from people thanking me for changing their lives....& my H convinced everyone that I was a useless cripple who couldn't do anything!!

 

I gave birth & raised my kids, with zero help, while he worked very long hours. I did a bloody good job (I overcompensated for my health) but he managed to convince me that I was useless! He still can't see that that's the cruelest thing you can do to someone who is living in constant pain.

 

I spent years teaching people that your attitude, what's going on in your head is the most powerful pain management tool & he took that away from me! It's worse than taking all of my medications.

 

Why did he have to break me? Ugh!!

 

Yeh! Triggers, lies, abuse, all of that crap. Now I'm angry that I can see the truth but I'm still so weak.

 

Anyway, the big yard sale is coming-up & I'm starting to list all of our 'stuff' on Craig's list. Goodbye past! Hello future!!

 

I hope one day I'll be well enough to fly back here. I will miss America. It's been my life for so long. I had so many dreams. Goodbye dream house! Goodbye dear friends!

 

I guess trying to live in the future is part of the answer.

[merrmeade]

This is enough to keep a person mad for years. I get it. It's.. unacceptable. incomprehensible. cruel.

I don't know how you deal with it. I think those who have remorseful WS can claim mental illness, fog, an alien had their body - whatever it is you can say that makes it ok.

But, you don't have that. I can see how hard this is. I guess one thing merrmeade - be glad YOU are not this kind of person. How do you live with yourself for doing this kind of thing? If your husband is religious, I'm trying to think how he's going to explain this to St. Peter, considering he hasn't done much to make amends. But ya know, being that kind of person is his problem. The thing of it is, these types never seem to care. (I'm thinking of my Dad as I write this.) YOU, on the other hand, can live your life with your head held high!

Hugs!

Wait, I did not say he KNEW that he'd given it to me. I don't think he ever thought that what he was doing was risky behavior. Seriously. I do not believe that he knew that he'd given it to me because I came home from the doctor saying I had this thing that I probably got 'on my trip' but he needed to take medicine because I'd give it to him. I'd dismissed the possibility of STD straight off and told it to him the way i thought of it.

 

And, yes, he was ashen when I figured it out.

 

Maybe arrogance is not the right word. It is and it isn't. Arrogant NOT to realize that he was as cheap and dirty as the next cheater. That he was moving in the world of people that got STDs. That he could get one and give it to me.

 

It makes me angry not bc he was being intentionally cruel or consciously letting me convince myself while he knew otherwise. I'm angry. His arrogance was seeing himself as different.

Edited April 4, 2016 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

It makes me angry because he doesn't want to think about it and I can't help but think about it. All the acceptance and understanding in the world doesn't change that.

 

I feel like the person who started a thread here a few months ago and never changed his complaint, never changed his situation and then would come back again and again, saying the same thing, nothing changed. It went on for over a thousand pages.

 

But there is one thing that works about this that was never acknowledged for both of us. Posting on LS is talking to someone. It works to get 'it' out and get past it. Of course, everyone here is left sincerely trying to help and impatient with the seeming lack of progress. But it does work.

 

I'm back. On the other hand, I never left.

Edited April 4, 2016 by merrmeade

[ShatteredLady]

Oh lovely merrmeade

 

Come too England with me. Beautiful green fields. Ancient buildings that remind you how short time really is...

[merrmeade]

Oh lovely merrmeade

 

Come too England with me. Beautiful green fields. Ancient buildings that remind you how short time really is...

Anyway, it's really nice to hear you sounding so hopeful and excited, looking forward. It's actually the best thing to do: Make changes. There's internet there, too, SL!

[Dylon]

You are such a tolerate person! You have endured so much. So sorry you are still hurting and things are not going well. Your husband is a difficult one.

 

I told my bs this: that she can't rely on me for everything including her happiness. In fact, all her life she relied on me for everything. If I don't turn on the tv, she won't do it herself. If I'm happy, she is. If I'm upset, she's bothered. She can expect that I do all I can and will not lie or betray her again. She can expect that I will do my best from here on with all my promises and commitment. I will change and she should just sit back and watch things unfold. I know that's me and not your husband.

 

However, I said, I don't know if I can make you happy as you want it. You need to take an effort for yourself too and stop focusing on me and rely on me for everything. She claims that all she needs for happiness is for me to be with her, faithful and she's happy with the simple things in this simple life. What she doesn't realize is I don't want to play the role of being responsible for her happiness and doing everything for her. I have work, interests and ect that sometimes, I'm not with her all the time. She needs to look after herself and see what makes her tick. Need more friends? Need a hobby to heal from this? Be more independent. Then I saw that she started to try and found a hobby. She was filled with life again when she started to do things that she enjoyed without me. During this time, healing from the A was good for both of us. It made me wanted to try harder and love her more. Sure, she needs time, suspicious, and has the right to all the feelings after DD. She wanted to stay in the marriage so she needs to find a way to heal and do her part, not for me, but for herself.

 

Sorry for the long personal story but my point is maybe it's time to not think too much, focus too much on the marriage, him, ect.....You accepted to stay in the marriage so now make it a new chapter, one that is about you and not him. We don't need others to make us happy. It comes from within first and then when you least expect it, like love, good things come. A happy cheerful independent person draws energy and people. I'm so proud of my wife when I see her take something on herself and not just focus and rely on me. I start to see a partner, a lover, and someone I can go to.

 

Try to be carefree as much as you can. I know you've been through a lot and tried everything. However, it's worth writing you and giving you support and perspective from a ws POV. Take care!

[katielee]

this wayward point of view is so condescending though.

your wife has been traumatized. do you expect her to just pick up and start being different for YOUR benefit? You said you loved her more when she tried new things and was full of life. Jeez. Aren't you then doing the same thing - you're trying harder only when she does the things you want her too. My God.

[Jersey born raised]

The thing about a "hater" is to understand that the pain and reasons for the pain are real and honest. Having said that the question is how do you handled it. I also aiways remember the line "my enemies cannot harm me and I have no fear of them, only god can save me from well intention friends". Both of these thoughts keep me sane.

 

So do not leave LS, but learn to evaluate the posts only in terms does it apply or not, and if the advise might work. The moderators here are very active and tend to act quickly when they believe a post serves no purpose. (early on I was warned twice and both times the moderators took the time over several PM to explain there position and explain how my post could have been written.) Other forums might be somewhat more real in emotional rawness but as to any action in life: to what purpose"?

[Dylon]

Katiely, You missed the boat as you have often attacked me for 6 months because you are a bs. Where did I say it's for my benefit? It's for her and what I do and she does is for herself and for benefit after the affair. As I've stated and you often ignore because I'm a ws, I'm doing everything humanly possible to correct my mistake. I'm accountable for my action but everyone is accountable for looking after their best interest. My reply is to AP and how she should look after herself. pm me if you have an issue with me. You have a lot a angry issue that should be directed to your IC or bs. You don't me or my wife.