I feel pressure.

[SerCay]

I have been single for half a year now...

 

I was in a 5 year relationship, which was pretty bad from start but I didn't realize, so now that I am single I love getting to know myself and slowly let go of all past bad things, so that I won't make the same mistakes in the future.

 

There's some goals I have set for myself, become successful in my new job, which started about the same time I broke up with my ex. Losing 40 pounds, of which I have now lost 20 already. Getting in shape and happy again. Arranging my mortgage and closing off my creditcard debt, which is not too huge, but still there. BEFORE I will even consider dating or opening up for new love.

 

I am pretty happy with how things are going and I have amazing friends and family, job is going well, so for me, all on track according to plan.

 

BUT, lately I have been feeling pressure. Every time when people talk about my being single (at work mostly) they talk about it as if it is a disease that needs to heal first. When I tell them I have my goals that I want to reach first, they tell me nooo don't do that, you close off.

Then WITHOUT me even saying anything, they talk about how hard it is to meet someone when you're past a certain age. They ask me why I won't try online dating multiple times. Automatically, they steer the conversation towards a negative direction and I cannot understand why...I do know why THEY cannot stay single > because they are afraid to be alone. But why would they put this sort of pressure on me?

 

It is as if I have to defend myself :S which I think is weird.

 

Now I am a pretty strong person and getting stronger every day, but still lately I notice that I feel pressure..I let it get to me. Especially when they start with the above mentioned type of things...

 

Anyone experience with this? How do you deal with it?

Edited March 26, 2016 by SerCay
typo

[TaraMaiden2]

It's the same kind of pressure a woman who doesn't want any children gets, from people telling her she should have children, or incredulously commenting, when she insists she doesn't.

 

I feel ya.

I met my H when I was nearing 50.

 

Whwn people tell you that you should meet someone, ask them "Are you happy being with someone?"

They will obviously reply, "Of course!"

 

Then tell them, "Well I'm quite happy being single - it has a load of advantages." (and it does, too...!)

"I'm happy for you. Kindly quit telling me what I should do, and just be happy for me, ok? Otherwise I'm walking away from this discussion, because TbH, my personal preferences are not up for discussion..."

 

Don't let it pee you off.

You will doubtless know that even being in a purportedly-happy relationship is not always a bed of roses and an easy ride...

[SerCay]

It's the same kind of pressure a woman who doesn't want any children gets, from people telling her she should have children, or incredulously commenting, when she insists she doesn't.

 

I feel ya.

I met my H when I was nearing 50.

 

Whwn people tell you that you should meet someone, ask them "Are you happy being with someone?"

They will obviously reply, "Of course!"

 

Then tell them, "Well I'm quite happy being single - it has a load of advantages." (and it does, too...!)

"I'm happy for you. Kindly quit telling me what I should do, and just be happy for me, ok? Otherwise I'm walking away from this discussion, because TbH, my personal preferences are not up for discussion..."

 

Don't let it pee you off.

You will doubtless know that even being in a purportedly-happy relationship is not always a bed of roses and an easy ride...

 

And that's the thing, is I tell them in this way they will be upset, as they think they are doing me a favor and I am basically telling them to piss off...

 

Another weird thing is also going on, the things above, I have tried to tell them in different ways. THEY DO NOT BELIEVE ME. They will not tell me in my face that they do not believe me, but they continue on the matter in a sneaky way, and I can SENSE what they are thinking.

 

It is such a weird thing, I can't even describe. It is as if indeed, when you tell a woman who has kids, that you don't want kids, even is she doesn't say anything, in her mind you can feel most of them thinking; "oh she doesn't know she wants them yet, but she will want them"

 

It's like you can't win with these people :s

[TaraMaiden2]

And that's the thing, is I tell them in this way they will be upset, as they think they are doing me a favor and I am basically telling them to piss off...

Well, I'm very sorry if they're upset - but this is beginning to pressure - and upset - you. Sometimes a sternly-worded reply is necessary. And frankly, yes. You ARE telling them to piss off. Why shouldn't you? Do you go round telling them that they shouldn't be in a relationship, there's a whole world of people out there, why stick with just one fixed individual? I doubt it. And they'd be pretty affronted if you did, wouldn't they....?

 

 

Another weird thing is also going on, the things above, I have tried to tell them in different ways. THEY DO NOT BELIEVE ME. They will not tell me in my face that they do not believe me, but they continue on the matter in a sneaky way, and I can SENSE what they are thinking.

Which is doubly annoying... So don't let them 'continue on the matter'.

Tell them, "It's not like I've never HAD a relationship. I have. And right now, I'm very happy to be out of it, and not in another one. Maybe I WILL meet someone in the future, but if it's all the same to you, I'll do it because I want to, and it's the right time for me. Not to conform to some stupid social pressure that says that if you are not with someone you must be all kinds of deprived and weird. I really don't care whether you think I'm deprived or weird. That's none of your business. Do you think I'm deprived and weird? I don't."

 

It is such a weird thing, I can't even describe. It is as if indeed, when you tell a woman who has kids, that you don't want kids, even is she doesn't say anything, in her mind you can feel most of them thinking; "oh she doesn't know she wants them yet, but she will want them"

Exactly.

My youngest daughter told her gynaecologist in France she didn't want children. She wanted her tubes tied. She had to go to four different doctors before she found one who would agree. For the very reason you cite.

 

It's like you can't win with these people :s

[preraph]

These people think there's only one way to live your life, and that's do as they do. Because you maintained a long relationship, I do think you are going to want another long relationship, but from what you've said about yourself and your capabilities, I also know that if it didn't happen, you would be fine on your own. You have a good attitude, and that ensures that mate or no mate, you will probably be happy with your life.

 

When I was in my late 30s, I was living my dream. I was working in a music industry position that allowed me to see all the bands I wanted to see, with access, and meet who I wanted to meet and expense some trips to the coast and live the high life.

 

One night at a club seeing one of my favorite bands, whose hot singer was starting to pay attention to me when they came through town, an older man who was head of their record label in that local branch stopped me by the bar and asked me, "Why aren't you married?" He was a nice man, so I didn't get mad, but I just thought "DUH." But I just told him, "Hey, I'm having WAY too good a time to want to end it all by getting married. Marriage has never been a priority for me anyway."

 

My attitude, which was usually dumbfoundedness that they couldn't see for themselves why I wasn't hot to get married, is what kept most people from bullying me about it. I was clearly having more fun than they were and living my dream. If my dream had been marriage, I'd have done that (probably 4 times, but I'd have made sure I did it.) But I followed my dream, not theirs.