UPDATE on 7 Year Relationship Break Up [wanting to regain the 'spark']

[Satu]

It's just all built up to this. She told me that nothing has happened and that she's only spoke to him a few times but *I suspected a while ago that before we split that she's been influenced by something/someone and I think this was it. It just gets to me as she knows what this is doing to me and even still I know that she isn't intentionally doing it, I just don't understand how everything I've known for the past 7 years and how someone I thought I knew so well could change like this so quickly and already move on, moved on in 8 weeks out of 7 years and I couldn't even talk to another woman yet let alone contemplate doing anything, never mind saying that there's a good chance something will happen

 

*You've had your worst fear confirmed, but you're still here, living and breathing.

 

 

From this point, it gets easier...

 

 

Hold that thought.

[swang]

Hey man, been following your story for awhile. As someone who is finally starting to feel better about life, let me tell you, it's about to get better if you allow it to. Personally I think it's a blessing that she gave you that type of answer since it allows you to move on. Sure, we all have that small hope of her coming back, but it's just not the way to live.

 

In the event that the new guy is a rebound, and she does reach out to you. Be very careful of what you say.

[Steven1]

Had to throw a sick day in at work just not right at all to go today can't focus or anything

 

She text me back more or less saying that we will never be romantically involved again, that i will always have a place in her heart after what we had together but that we both need to find new people and that she hopes in the future we could be friends once I accept she will be with someone else and that there is no hope of us getting back together in the future

[Steven1]

Touching on what I said before. She said I need to learn how to love myself and that I am a great person and any woman would be lucky to have me, except it can't be her, ironically the only woman I want is the one who doesn't want me back.

[BC1980]

Had to throw a sick day in at work just not right at all to go today can't focus or anything

 

She text me back more or less saying that we will never be romantically involved again, that i will always have a place in her heart after what we had together but that we both need to find new people and that she hopes in the future we could be friends once I accept she will be with someone else and that there is no hope of us getting back together in the future

 

I do give her credit for saying it plain as day because a lot of people get strung along. I know it's difficult to understand, but she likely checked out emotionally a long time ago. That is why her moving on seems so quick to you. I went through something quite similar, so I understand how you feel on many levels. NC is the only thing that can be done at this point.

[BC1980]

Touching on what I said before. She said I need to learn how to love myself and that I am a great person and any woman would be lucky to have me, except it can't be her, ironically the only woman I want is the one who doesn't want me back.

 

When someone rejects you, they automatically become more attractive. I don't know why that is, but it seems to work out that way.

[Steven1]

Yeah I told her I completely appreciated her being so honest with me that she was speaking to someone else etc.

 

I think something that may come along in the future, I know it sounds silly in that sense but we always promised each other that if anything went wrong that we would stay friends eventually, even if that took time. I told her that if she does get with this guy he might make her choose between them, or her still speaking to me, and she's still said she wants to see me again to talk etc and still be friends.

 

I don't know whether or not she's fully thought about it, or if she just doesn't want to cut me out of life altogether. We have been through an awful lot together and I mean a lot. If it wasn't for her I don't think I'd still be here tbh...and likewise the same for her when we both struggled with depression and issues.

 

If she was really happy with whoever and he made her that choice, I think I would have to walk away if she was in a happy relationship and I wouldn't want to be the cause of that failing. I have a feeling though, she's always been very strong and forward about that, if she gets told she can't speak to male/female friends because of someone else, she doesn't take that very well.

[BC1980]

Yeah I told her I completely appreciated her being so honest with me that she was speaking to someone else etc.

 

I think something that may come along in the future, I know it sounds silly in that sense but we always promised each other that if anything went wrong that we would stay friends eventually, even if that took time. I told her that if she does get with this guy he might make her choose between them, or her still speaking to me, and she's still said she wants to see me again to talk etc and still be friends.

 

I don't know whether or not she's fully thought about it, or if she just doesn't want to cut me out of life altogether. We have been through an awful lot together and I mean a lot. If it wasn't for her I don't think I'd still be here tbh...and likewise the same for her when we both struggled with depression and issues.

 

If she was really happy with whoever and he made her that choice, I think I would have to walk away if she was in a happy relationship and I wouldn't want to be the cause of that failing. I have a feeling though, she's always been very strong and forward about that, if she gets told she can't speak to male/female friends because of someone else, she doesn't take that very well.

 

You need to be in complete NC right now. You need to cut her off completely, so you can heal. Are you committed to doing that, or are you still trying to be friends and talk to her?

[Steven1]

You need to be in complete NC right now. You need to cut her off completely, so you can heal. Are you committed to doing that, or are you still trying to be friends and talk to her?

 

 

We spoke last night obviously , I'll give you a bit more context as to what she said

 

I texted her saying that I love her and all that and miss her and I had regrets over things in the past with us, that if giving the opportunity we would could at least try to see how things went etc, more or less poured my heart out over everything etc.

 

She didn't text me back until about an hour after that and I had gone to bed for work (just after 1AM when she texted me this, which I read this morning)

 

 

I'm really sorry for hurting you the way I did I genuinely am, but i really need you to let go of the hope that we will get back together in the future. holding onto that just worsens everything. you will always hold a special place in my life considering the length of time we were together and everything we experienced, however we will not be romantically involved again. i know that hurts to hear but i think its time we both flipped a new page in our lives and move on, find someone new, learn to love yourself and stop doubting everything about you.you are an incredible guy that anyone would be lucky to have, unfortunately thats not and will not be me, i hope we can be friends in the future, this will be my final message to you for a while take care x

 

 

I did text her back this morning after that saying Thank you for telling me all of that etc and that I hope if you do go into a new relationship that you can find what our relationship didn't bring you and you are happy.

 

 

I also told her (before her text to me) that if she does enter a relationship with this guy or anyone, that the choice may come between them being in a relationship, or speaking to me. She is quite adamant that she does want to have a future with us as friends, and does want to see me again. I don't know if this is just something she needs to do to see what it's like etc and doesn't want to completely cut me out of her life in case it's not what she wants and realizes its a mistake down the line.

[Steven1]

Spoke to some of my friends about it today and they are kind of on the same wave length as such. They are making different things of it. Some of them are saying that she wants to be friends / keep me as an option in case anything she has with someone else doesn't work out in the future or she realizes she made a mistake. And the rest think that the way she stressed that nothing had happened with this other person and that she say MAY not, was maybe a sign that while it might happen, it might just be to experience it to see what she wants, despite her saying there will be nothing between us.

[Frogwife]

Spoke to some of my friends about it today and they are kind of on the same wave length as such. They are making different things of it. Some of them are saying that she wants to be friends / keep me as an option in case anything she has with someone else doesn't work out in the future or she realizes she made a mistake. And the rest think that the way she stressed that nothing had happened with this other person and that she say MAY not, was maybe a sign that while it might happen, it might just be to experience it to see what she wants, despite her saying there will be nothing between us.

 

Steven - your posts are so painful to read because I know how you are feeling. As the others have said, PLEASE just listen to her words.

 

She is being kind to you by being very, very clear that this relationship is finished and not leading you on. I know it's painful to hear that, believe me.

 

And I know, too, how hard it is to what to know what someone is really thinking. The problem is, no one knows - no one here, none of your friends, not you.

 

I am not a "no contact" advocate, but there is nothing wrong with taking time off from any contact with her - it will just keep you hooked in the sadness, anxiety and analysis ("will she respond or not?" "What does this mean?" "Why did she respond with a smiley face?"). Trying to be "friends" is just going to torture you because you still have feelings and hope.

 

No one ever knows what the future holds, but please listen to and believe what she is telling you now.

[Mumbles]

Mate, since the OP the tone of your posts has very quickly started to move in a direction that whilst not actually stalking, is going in that direction.

 

You are needling and needling her about 'potential' other men or a man, and basically asking her is she ever intends to have sex with someone else (in her whole life?) ...

 

You're feeling exposed, vulnerable, I don't want to slap you with a wet fish, but you need to stop, right now - as others have implored you to do.

 

Many of us have been where you are today, different circumstances sure, but the feeling of hurt and jealousy is the same, and it feels visceral. These feelings will well up in you, and become unbearable and I'm guessing that its at these times you are choosing to text her.

 

Don't do it - when the feelings become more than you can bear, go to the gym and work it through. This is not glib advice. If you -really- work in the gym, not just pussy foot about, you'll generate endorphins and these will change your mood ... and, almost as importantly, a hour or so will pass and the unbearable feelings will also pass, until they well up again, and again, get off to the gym. I've got up at 12 midnight and headed off for a workout when faced with somewhat similar circumstances.

 

Now, I'm not a gym-rat, in case you thought that, but, you need to get out of your head and into the real world at this time. As a side by product you'll also get pretty buff (hehe) and thats no bad thing.

 

Let me tell you, in no uncertain terms, if you keep needling her about other potential or real sexual partners you are going to force the issue and get an answer you wish you didn't hear. That doesn't mean you'll get to the truth, it just means you'll end up hearing some words - words that may be true or not true, but either way, you can't unhear.

 

This girl has given you all you need to hear already. As some others have pointed out and I agree, she's been pretty understanding and seems to have chosen her words carefully. Take them at face value and don't pursue some mythical 'universal' truth that can't exist and won't help you in the least.

[Steven1]

Mate, since the OP the tone of your posts has very quickly started to move in a direction that whilst not actually stalking, is going in that direction.

 

You are needling and needling her about 'potential' other men or a man, and basically asking her is she ever intends to have sex with someone else (in her whole life?) ...

 

You're feeling exposed, vulnerable, I don't want to slap you with a wet fish, but you need to stop, right now - as others have implored you to do.

 

Many of us have been where you are today, different circumstances sure, but the feeling of hurt and jealousy is the same, and it feels visceral. These feelings will well up in you, and become unbearable and I'm guessing that its at these times you are choosing to text her.

 

Don't do it - when the feelings become more than you can bear, go to the gym and work it through. This is not glib advice. If you -really- work in the gym, not just pussy foot about, you'll generate endorphins and these will change your mood ... and, almost as importantly, a hour or so will pass and the unbearable feelings will also pass, until they well up again, and again, get off to the gym. I've got up at 12 midnight and headed off for a workout when faced with somewhat similar circumstances.

 

Now, I'm not a gym-rat, in case you thought that, but, you need to get out of your head and into the real world at this time. As a side by product you'll also get pretty buff (hehe) and thats no bad thing.

 

Let me tell you, in no uncertain terms, if you keep needling her about other potential or real sexual partners you are going to force the issue and get an answer you wish you didn't hear. That doesn't mean you'll get to the truth, it just means you'll end up hearing some words - words that may be true or not true, but either way, you can't unhear.

 

This girl has given you all you need to hear already. As some others have pointed out and I agree, she's been pretty understanding and seems to have chosen her words carefully. Take them at face value and don't pursue some mythical 'universal' truth that can't exist and won't help you in the least.

 

 

The thing I didn't understand was, she stressed to me that nothing had happened with another guy...but I DIDN'T ask her if anything had... I had asked (said assumed) she liked someone at the Uni who was going to be there every day etc..., and she said she didn't 'like' him as such, but then also stressed to me that nothing had happened even though I didn't ask, it's not something I could ask because I wouldn't want the answer lol.

 

Like I said I appreciate how forward she was with me and put it straight down the middle. I just don't know why she had to keep clarifying to me that nothing had happened etc. And kept telling me that something might, rather than something would.

[BC1980]

We spoke last night obviously , I'll give you a bit more context as to what she said

 

I texted her saying that I love her and all that and miss her and I had regrets over things in the past with us, that if giving the opportunity we would could at least try to see how things went etc, more or less poured my heart out over everything etc.

 

She didn't text me back until about an hour after that and I had gone to bed for work (just after 1AM when she texted me this, which I read this morning)

 

 

I'm really sorry for hurting you the way I did I genuinely am, but i really need you to let go of the hope that we will get back together in the future. holding onto that just worsens everything. you will always hold a special place in my life considering the length of time we were together and everything we experienced, however we will not be romantically involved again. i know that hurts to hear but i think its time we both flipped a new page in our lives and move on, find someone new, learn to love yourself and stop doubting everything about you.you are an incredible guy that anyone would be lucky to have, unfortunately thats not and will not be me, i hope we can be friends in the future, this will be my final message to you for a while take care x

 

 

I did text her back this morning after that saying Thank you for telling me all of that etc and that I hope if you do go into a new relationship that you can find what our relationship didn't bring you and you are happy.

 

 

I also told her (before her text to me) that if she does enter a relationship with this guy or anyone, that the choice may come between them being in a relationship, or speaking to me. She is quite adamant that she does want to have a future with us as friends, and does want to see me again. I don't know if this is just something she needs to do to see what it's like etc and doesn't want to completely cut me out of her life in case it's not what she wants and realizes its a mistake down the line.

 

She told you in the kindest way possible that it's over and she doesn't wish to have anymore contact with you for the foreseeable future. I've been right where you are, so I know how difficult it is to accept. It's difficult to understand because we tend to project our feelings onto other people. Don't contact her again. At this point, she probably only responds because she feels sorry for you, but she's trying to let you know she wants to be left alone. I'm sure she feels obligated to respond and feels guilt, but don't read anymore into her words than that.

[Steven1]

She told you in the kindest way possible that it's over and she doesn't wish to have anymore contact with you for the foreseeable future. I've been right where you are, so I know how difficult it is to accept. It's difficult to understand because we tend to project our feelings onto other people. Don't contact her again. At this point, she probably only responds because she feels sorry for you, but she's trying to let you know she wants to be left alone. I'm sure she feels obligated to respond and feels guilt, but don't read anymore into her words than that.

 

 

I'm still unsure on her comments on the friends bit etc. And like I said in the post above, it was like she was trying to reassure me that nothing had happened with anyone and that nothing may happen, and that she does want to meet again etc. I know I might be reading into that as in my mind something has/will happen. I just don't know why she felt the need to stress that nothing had. I think even to be kind, if anything had happened she would have said as she's always been very forward with me like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

The thing I didn't understand was, she stressed to me that nothing had happened with another guy...but I DIDN'T ask her if anything had... I had asked (said assumed) she liked someone at the Uni who was going to be there every day etc..., and she said she didn't 'like' him as such, but then also stressed to me that nothing had happened even though I didn't ask, it's not something I could ask because I wouldn't want the answer lol.

 

Like I said I appreciate how forward she was with me and put it straight down the middle. I just don't know why she had to keep clarifying to me that nothing had happened etc. And kept telling me that something might, rather than something would.

 

All of this is relatively simple to explain:

 

First, she insisted nothing happened because she doesn't want to seem insensitive to your feelings. She knows you're hurting and doesn't want your mind running wild when it doesn't need to. She also doesn't want you thinking she cheated. That's all.

 

Second, don't split hairs and over-analyze her choice of "might" rather than "would." The bottom line is the same - it's very possible that what she has going with this new guy will develop into something more. She is probably not totally comfortable discussing it with you, so I would leave it at that. She is trying to be honest without hurting you too much, but still maintaining her own privacy.

 

It's so important for you to begin the process of moving on now. You need to, for your own emotional well-being. It will take time to heal, and it's not an easy ride. But to be very honest, relationships that start at such a young age often aren't permanent ones. Who we are changes so much in young adulthood, which is reflected in our choice of partner(s) throughout our lives. The vast majority of us are not with our first loves for that very reason. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with them or us; we just grow and change and explore. The same will be true for you too.

 

Start really cultivating your own interests and social circles now. Get to know yourself again. In time, and with plenty of self-care, you will feel better.

[lana-banana]

I'm still unsure on her comments on the friends bit etc. And like I said in the post above, it was like she was trying to reassure me that nothing had happened with anyone and that nothing may happen, and that she does want to meet again etc. I know I might be reading into that as in my mind something has/will happen. I just don't know why she felt the need to stress that nothing had. I think even to be kind, if anything had happened she would have said as she's always been very forward with me like that.

 

I emphasized the text above to point out you're still thinking as though you're in a relationship with her. It's not just that your connection has changed; you don't have a connection anymore. You are no longer her love, her hero, her everything. You're part of her past. Granted, you're a big part of her past---like a pet, or high school, or the braces she had forever---but still her past. It's over now.

 

She will always have fond feelings for you as a part of her youth. But she's moved beyond her youth and also moved beyond you. When she said she wanted to be friends I assure you she didn't mean it. She may still care for you, and perhaps nurtures some gauzy visions of a distant future where you're both married to other people and part of one big happy friends group. But she's not interested in hearing from you right now, and probably not for a long while. If you foolishly decide to issue her an ultimatum about you versus another man she won't hesitate for a second.

[Steven1]

Sadly after this and even answering other peoples question of similar things, my self confidence etc over all of this has just disappeared.

 

To go into a bit more (our relationship).

 

I was always very self conscious of my body etc, very low self esteem, had depression in the past etc. My ex would always say I was attractive etc and she liked my body and so on, but I could never like it. And a lot of things just hit me especially the months before our break up, and I would pick up on little things that she would do.

 

Some nights when I would go to see her (as I posted above) she would immediately reply to friends on her phone or on the computer etc, and would speak very little to me etc which I didn't mind to much at the time because she was going through a bit of a rough patch, but I always used to think to myself that if you can say so much back to your friends, surely you must have more to say to me you know? And then after the last few times I seen her, we would still speak on Skype all the time, but I would pick up on little things that could be completely innocent etc.

 

A few examples , I bought her a TV for her dorm room etc as they don't have one in their community room, so I bought her one for her own use as she had a PS4 as well. One night she came on Skype to talk and she had just been playing fifa with one of her guy friends, nothing at all to that (I never minded how many male/female friends she had etc, was never like that). And her sister came into her room and the guy had left his sweater (her sister said) and my ex replied with "oh yeah, he's so nice" and then she would speak in Portuguese to her sister.

 

When ever someone would knock at her door, she would immediately end the call on Skype. And then it went a bit further, she was getting dressed and someone knocked on her door when she was still getting undressed/dress (never locked her door) and she said "wait wait!" and then said "oh I didn't know it was you" and immediately ended the call. At the time I didn't really think anything of it but it was just strange that she would do that, as she never used to when friends went into her room.

 

She also became a lot less intimate, she would rarely initiate a kiss or want to do anything further, and this made me feel a lot worse about my self confidence issues etc at the time. And with everything else recently it's just got a lot worse.

 

When we went NC before Valentines I did eat a thing for about 6 days and now I barely eat anything at all, this is coupled with going to the Gym every day so I can try and get it into my head etc that I will have a nicer body eventually even if everyone around me says I have one. But knowing she will be with someone else is just putting my self esteem down. That's why she said in her text etc learn to love yourself and stop doubting everything about yourself, but (although she didn't intentionally do it) it's been things she's done and what she's doing now that is at the heart of the problem. And I don't know how to get over that.

[BC1980]

Sadly after this and even answering other peoples question of similar things, my self confidence etc over all of this has just disappeared.

 

To go into a bit more (our relationship).

 

I was always very self conscious of my body etc, very low self esteem, had depression in the past etc. My ex would always say I was attractive etc and she liked my body and so on, but I could never like it. And a lot of things just hit me especially the months before our break up, and I would pick up on little things that she would do.

 

Some nights when I would go to see her (as I posted above) she would immediately reply to friends on her phone or on the computer etc, and would speak very little to me etc which I didn't mind to much at the time because she was going through a bit of a rough patch, but I always used to think to myself that if you can say so much back to your friends, surely you must have more to say to me you know? And then after the last few times I seen her, we would still speak on Skype all the time, but I would pick up on little things that could be completely innocent etc.

 

A few examples , I bought her a TV for her dorm room etc as they don't have one in their community room, so I bought her one for her own use as she had a PS4 as well. One night she came on Skype to talk and she had just been playing fifa with one of her guy friends, nothing at all to that (I never minded how many male/female friends she had etc, was never like that). And her sister came into her room and the guy had left his sweater (her sister said) and my ex replied with "oh yeah, he's so nice" and then she would speak in Portuguese to her sister.

 

When ever someone would knock at her door, she would immediately end the call on Skype. And then it went a bit further, she was getting dressed and someone knocked on her door when she was still getting undressed/dress (never locked her door) and she said "wait wait!" and then said "oh I didn't know it was you" and immediately ended the call. At the time I didn't really think anything of it but it was just strange that she would do that, as she never used to when friends went into her room.

 

She also became a lot less intimate, she would rarely initiate a kiss or want to do anything further, and this made me feel a lot worse about my self confidence issues etc at the time. And with everything else recently it's just got a lot worse.

 

When we went NC before Valentines I did eat a thing for about 6 days and now I barely eat anything at all, this is coupled with going to the Gym every day so I can try and get it into my head etc that I will have a nicer body eventually even if everyone around me says I have one. But knowing she will be with someone else is just putting my self esteem down. That's why she said in her text etc learn to love yourself and stop doubting everything about yourself, but (although she didn't intentionally do it) it's been things she's done and what she's doing now that is at the heart of the problem. And I don't know how to get over that.

 

It's normal for your self-esteem to take a hit when you get dumped. Pretty much everyone has experienced that. When you love a person, their acceptance of you holds that much more weight. My self-esteem was non-existent when my recent ex dumped me. I had spent 3 yrs. trying to morph into something that he would love. What a bunch of BS and a losing battle. I had to work from the ground up to regain my self-esteem.

 

I think it really helps to find a new hobby, new friends, new goals. All of that will be something independent of your ex and that relationship. Volunteering and taking trips was good for me too. It gave me a separate identity. It takes a long time, but try baby steps.

[Steven1]

Most of you already know the back drop to my break up , and thank you so much for all of the advice.

 

I'm really struggling with my self esteem and confidence after this. Trust as well. I touched in another post how my ex would suddenly end skype calls close to our break up when there was a knock on her door etc, and there was a time she was getting dressed and she was shouting "wait wait! at the door before someone walked in and she said "oh I didn't know it was you" then immediately ended the call.

 

Also just the way she's moved on so quick and has possible done something or is with someone else has just completely shattered my self confidence and trust.

 

I always had low self confidence about my body image, that I was never good enough for her and I even told her quite a few times that I knew there was much better looking and more intelligent people than me around her on a daily basis, and this has just got to me about everything. Especially her saying she has no romantic feelings etc.

 

I always blame myself for it though, I haven't been eaten right since it happened, my confidence about myself, my body/image etc has been gone, and I know it's still quite fresh all of this, but I think this has brought on some serious trust issues now in general for me and I have no idea what to do about it or how to cope.

[LD1990]

I can certainly relate to thinking about an ex moving on and having trust issues after a betrayal. Both are terrible feelings that I'm still getting over myself. I think the best thing you can do is take this time to try and improve yourself into the man you want to be. Try and find the positive in this. Figure out how you're going to make yourself better from this.

 

You don't like the way your body looks. Remember that we are our own worst critics. But, it's not like you can't change how you look either. Work out, eat well, create healthy habits and you're gonna love to see your body improve before your very eyes.

 

You have trust issues. On the bright side, you probably won't be as gullible about certain things in the future. I'm not saying that to insult you, I myself got suckered by my ex several times because I let my love blind me to her obvious lies. At least it taught me signs of lying that I'll recognize going forward.

 

Breakups absolutely suck, but don't let yourself wallow in misery. You've got the opportunity to create exactly the life you want. Focus on improving your life, staying positive, and everything else will fall into place for you.

[Steven1]

to be honest I go to the Gym 6 times a week and eat healthy, and my body is probably fine tbh it's just that I can't believe that, that's the issue sadly. I honestly believe if I had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime I'd probably still be self conscious. Silly I know, very silly.

[preraph]

I'm sure you've heard of body dysmorphic disorder. Have you ever asked a doctor about that?

[mightycpa]

Most of you already know the back drop to my break up , and thank you so much for all of the advice.

 

I'm really struggling with my self esteem and confidence after this. Trust as well. I touched in another post how my ex would suddenly end skype calls close to our break up when there was a knock on her door etc, and there was a time she was getting dressed and she was shouting "wait wait! at the door before someone walked in and she said "oh I didn't know it was you" then immediately ended the call.

 

Also just the way she's moved on so quick and has possible done something or is with someone else has just completely shattered my self confidence and trust.

 

I always had low self confidence about my body image, that I was never good enough for her and I even told her quite a few times that I knew there was much better looking and more intelligent people than me around her on a daily basis, and this has just got to me about everything. Especially her saying she has no romantic feelings etc.

 

I always blame myself for it though, I haven't been eaten right since it happened, my confidence about myself, my body/image etc has been gone, and I know it's still quite fresh all of this, but I think this has brought on some serious trust issues now in general for me and I have no idea what to do about it or how to cope.

First of all, I think you really have to abandon this whole "she has possibly done something" language. It's holding you back, because you're clinging to false hope. You should probably change that to "she's banging at least two guys" type language. Face your worst fears.

 

As to trust, you've got it exactly backwards. You trust your ex when she assures you that the big day hasn't come yet, yet you have trust issues with women in the abstract. It is your ex you can't trust (see above about facing reality language) and you cannot put her sins on every other woman on the planet.

 

Self confidence is a little more difficult. I think that what you're thinking is that you didn't contribute in any meaningful way to the breakup. You were humming along in the usual way, and then she changes overnight. So yeah, that can **** with your head, because deep down inside, you're basically thinking that she decided you weren't good enough for her. It is an insidious problem. You'd be a lot better off if you'd ****ed up something awful, then you could say "lesson learned!" and chalk it up to experience.

 

But in the real world, neither of those two scenarios hold. It's not really about good and bad, better or worse, worthy or unworthy. Everybody, even the skankiest ho and the most milquetoast guy can get someone to adore them. It's about matching, and when you match, your relationship survives all sorts of stuff that would otherwise pull two people apart.

 

Change is what did you guys in. That's generally how it works, an exposure of one or both people to new things, and all of a sudden what was familiar and comfortable becomes old and tired. So what you're suffering from is an exercise in self-pity, nothing more. I don't think it is all that unusual, but you just might get stuck there if you don't start thinking rationally about it. It's time for you to start learning about and accepting what people are really like. Then, almost nothing is going to seem personal.

[Mumbles]

You've got to eat if you're going to the gym, otherwise you'll just break down your body and eventually you'll risk gaining an injury.

 

We all have body image issues to one degree or another, from occasionally having a 'bad hair day' to being deeply unhappy about our appearance - its a broad spectrum. This is not the thread to explore those things but I will say that self improvement is never time wasted no matter who you are.

 

Its very natural to feel the way you do at this time, as others have said so and I completely agree. Theres no short track to feeling better I'm sorry to say.

 

The self improvement I mention above is for -you- not for others. This is a time to contemplate yourself, your direction - but not to focus on what might have been and whats been lost. There is a world of experience and opportunity waiting patiently for you in the future.