UPDATE on 7 Year Relationship Break Up [wanting to regain the 'spark']

[swang]

It's extremely common (almost unavoidable) to feel as if your confidence is super low after a break-up/rejection. I started going to the gym extremely frequently after my break up, then I realized that confidence didn't come from having better appearances.

 

My confidence came back when I started enjoying the things I do again. Even exercising/sports, I ended up just really enjoying them instead of trying to impress my ex.

 

At the end of the day, once you are yourself again, you'll attract someone new (or even your ex). Good luck man, just stick through it!

[Emilia]

to be honest I go to the Gym 6 times a week and eat healthy, and my body is probably fine tbh it's just that I can't believe that, that's the issue sadly. I honestly believe if I had a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime I'd probably still be self conscious. Silly I know, very silly.

 

that is a ptoblem. I see guys in the gym who probably spend far too much time there, I think too much of anything narrows your world. I also think you can focus too much on external validation

[Steven1]

I think as well it's in my mind in a way that I need to prove to my ex that she's missing something, but since I was never happy with how I looked through the relationship it's become a mission/task to get to that now or better to prove something, more to myself than her though.

[guest569]

I think as well it's in my mind in a way that I need to prove to my ex that she's missing something, but since I was never happy with how I looked through the relationship it's become a mission/task to get to that now or better to prove something, more to myself than her though.

 

You're letting your negative thoughts win when you are going to gym often and eat well, but still feel like you're not good enough, but you know it's not true. When we are hurt and vulnerable it is harder to shut out these unhelpful negative thoughts and we start believing them, believing that it's all our fault and we aren't good enough. Give it more time and as you get stronger I think your self esteem will pick up again (it's mainly low since the breakup?)

[Steven1]

You're letting your negative thoughts win when you are going to gym often and eat well, but still feel like you're not good enough, but you know it's not true. When we are hurt and vulnerable it is harder to shut out these unhelpful negative thoughts and we start believing them, believing that it's all our fault and we aren't good enough. Give it more time and as you get stronger I think your self esteem will pick up again (it's mainly low since the breakup?)

 

 

It's become a lot worse since the break up but my looks have always been quite a big insecurity for me personally. I know that in general I probably look half decent but my mind doesn't see it like that. My ex is now speaking to someone else which has sent what confidence I did have out of the window, as even though she said looks etc had nothing to do with anything, obviously she has become physically attracted to this person and she said she had no romantic feelings towards me etc, so I've taking it in a way that she's saying he's basically better looking than me etc, which is why she's moved on so quick.

[guest569]

It's become a lot worse since the break up but my looks have always been quite a big insecurity for me personally. I know that in general I probably look half decent but my mind doesn't see it like that. My ex is now speaking to someone else which has sent what confidence I did have out of the window, as even though she said looks etc had nothing to do with anything, obviously she has become physically attracted to this person and she said she had no romantic feelings towards me etc, so I've taking it in a way that she's saying he's basically better looking than me etc, which is why she's moved on so quick.

 

I remember feeling this during a breakup when I would scramble for answers go straight for my insecurities although I know that this was not the reason but I always think 'it's because of my body, I'm fat' but I am NOT. But that was what I went with and it is very damaging. If there are no answers (which is often the case when it is matter of them not being in love or feeling it.) I think we try to fill in the gap. I'm not sure what exactly I can advise but keep going with your life, your gym routine and try to at least eat something. I think the rest will sort itself out as you heal and your confidence lifts.

[Steven1]

As I said I think it's just playing over continuously in my mind that she's got with someone so quick and saying she doesn't want to be with me romantically is more or less screaming in my head that she more or less said "he's better looking than you, you're gone".

 

I think as well (she did text me to stop doubting myself) and that used to be an on/off issue as even when we split up I brought more blame on myself etc even though she said it was her fault for feeling like friends..., and I just don't really know where to go from here. It's like I'm having to learn how to speak to women all over again, when to not be to direct/forward, how to start from a general chat but seem interesting and wanting to take things further.

 

Feels kind of embarrassing saying this at 24...lol.

[BC1980]

As I said I think it's just playing over continuously in my mind that she's got with someone so quick and saying she doesn't want to be with me romantically is more or less screaming in my head that she more or less said "he's better looking than you, you're gone".

 

I think as well (she did text me to stop doubting myself) and that used to be an on/off issue as even when we split up I brought more blame on myself etc even though she said it was her fault for feeling like friends..., and I just don't really know where to go from here. It's like I'm having to learn how to speak to women all over again, when to not be to direct/forward, how to start from a general chat but seem interesting and wanting to take things further.

 

Feels kind of embarrassing saying this at 24...lol.

 

I wouldn't take very personally. Love and attraction are not things we can control. She can't control if she is in love with you or attracted to you anymore than she can control it with this new guy. Love and attraction are often very transient feelings, and they ebb and flow during relationships. Those emotions are very much happenstance and up to chance. I know that takes some of the specialness out of it, but there you have it. It kind of sounds like she was emotionally detached quite awhile ago, and she probably just didn't know how to break it off after so long together. So she waited until she could no longer go on in the relationship, or she found someone else, which gave her a bigger reason to leave.

 

Your new single status will take some getting used to. It is weird at first. You will have to readjust your goals and you life, which can cause a lot of anxiety. A lot of people don't want to go NC because it forces them to deal with grief, which also causes anxiety. Big changes will usually cause self-doubting, anxiety, and mood swings. Your life has done a complete 180, so it's going to be awhile before you feel normal again. All relationships end at some point.

[Steven1]

I signed up to POF (Plenty Of Fish) and I don't know. It's made me feel a bit better, but at the same time I genuinely feel as though I'm cheating and I don't know why lol.

[Blanco]

Because you're not even close to over her and dating should really be the last thing on your mind. You're in a bad place emotionally and that's understandable given your situation. But you're going to repel any quality women right now because I can promise you this is obvious. Dating right now is just you seeking validation from someone else, which is a great way to put off getting to a place mentally where you are comfortable with yourself and your body and don't need the external validation.

 

This isn't a competition. Just because she's already moved on to someone else doesn't mean you need to, as well.

[Blanco]

And don't take her being with someone as a slight against your appearance. My last girlfriend is dating someone else now who she herself said was "normal" looking. I got a look at him and she's right. I was upset at the time how quickly she had moved on to someone else, but I still wouldn't have wanted to swap physical appearances with him.

 

Not everyone has a mentality that their next partner has to be superficially better than the last. That's usually a guy thing.

[Steven1]

Because you're not even close to over her and dating should really be the last thing on your mind. You're in a bad place emotionally and that's understandable given your situation. But you're going to repel any quality women right now because I can promise you this is obvious. Dating right now is just you seeking validation from someone else, which is a great way to put off getting to a place mentally where you are comfortable with yourself and your body and don't need the external validation.

 

This isn't a competition. Just because she's already moved on to someone else doesn't mean you need to, as well.

 

 

It has helped in a way to see how many other single people there are out there. Sort of just testing the waters at the minute but is helping me to stop feel sorry for myself as much. I think I need to look at the fact that she has moved on and I need to as well. First step all be it a baby step lol.

[Blanco]

Definitely be social. Meet new people. Reconnect with old friends who you probably didn't see or talk to as much because of your former relationship. My point is, don't do these things with the direct focus being to find your next girlfriend. Get comfortable with being on your own before you even think about another relationship. Otherwise, you're just transferring all of your insecurities and baggage to the next relationship. Trust me. I've done this before.

[BC1980]

I signed up to POF (Plenty Of Fish) and I don't know. It's made me feel a bit better, but at the same time I genuinely feel as though I'm cheating and I don't know why lol.

 

I did the same thing, and it was a bad idea. I signed up on Match a week after my breakup. Bad, bad idea.

[Steven1]

Hey guys, hope you are all well!

 

I was/am doing much better now....until tonight...I'm not THAT bad...but it has hit me a little bit.

 

I just found out tonight that my ex is now in a relationship with someone else (surprise surprise!) and the picture that I seen (was genuinely just come across at random) was during her trip to Portugal last year when we were together, she is now seeing the person that she was in the picture with, so I have some strong suspicions that yes, she did cheat on me. Which has made me hate her to be honest.

 

I texted her not to long ago, about 10 days ago, saying I was over her, I didn't think I could be friends with her, and that I wished her the best. Then that was it. Until tonight seeing this I now know she cheated on me, I just flipped completely. Texted her saying that I knew for a fact I couldn't be friends with her and never wanted her to speak to me again. So I have deleted her number and on all social media.

 

Who says the weekends are boring? lol.

[BC1980]

Hey guys, hope you are all well!

 

I was/am doing much better now....until tonight...I'm not THAT bad...but it has hit me a little bit.

 

I just found out tonight that my ex is now in a relationship with someone else (surprise surprise!) and the picture that I seen (was genuinely just come across at random) was during her trip to Portugal last year when we were together, she is now seeing the person that she was in the picture with, so I have some strong suspicions that yes, she did cheat on me. Which has made me hate her to be honest.

 

I texted her not to long ago, about 10 days ago, saying I was over her, I didn't think I could be friends with her, and that I wished her the best. Then that was it. Until tonight seeing this I now know she cheated on me, I just flipped completely. Texted her saying that I knew for a fact I couldn't be friends with her and never wanted her to speak to me again. So I have deleted her number and on all social media.

 

Who says the weekends are boring? lol.

 

When I found out my ex was engaged to someone else, I was very angry. But in the end, you will move on faster. Don't contact her again. She does not care if you want to be friends. I promise you she doesn't.

[Steven1]

When I found out my ex was engaged to someone else, I was very angry. But in the end, you will move on faster. Don't contact her again. She does not care if you want to be friends. I promise you she doesn't.

 

 

I do feel a lot better now, so much better in fact. aha.

 

I did receive quite a, not really weird but more of a heart to heart text from my ex, which was unusual considering she now has a boyfriend, I wouldn't of been happy if I was with him aha.

 

Basically I was talking to a (mutual) friend (hes more friends with her than me, but I didn't think they were that close to be honest). It started out as just a random conversation and he asked me how I was doing etc, innocently enough, ofcorse everything I said went straight back to her lol.

 

Anyway, she sent me a long text which was more or less

 

"I'm so so so sorry for what I did and I know how I treated you was wrong. I hope that you never have to delete my number as I will never delete yours. You were such a huge part of my life and I couldn't do that to you. I will always be here for you no matter what, I hope you find someone that makes you happy and gives you what you deserve"

 

I didn't really know what to make of that to be honest. As I said she is with someone else now, but if I was him, or with someone, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my girlfriend was sending that to a long term ex boyfriend.

 

Didn't really know what to make of that to be honest.

[BC1980]

I do feel a lot better now, so much better in fact. aha.

 

I did receive quite a, not really weird but more of a heart to heart text from my ex, which was unusual considering she now has a boyfriend, I wouldn't of been happy if I was with him aha.

 

Basically I was talking to a (mutual) friend (hes more friends with her than me, but I didn't think they were that close to be honest). It started out as just a random conversation and he asked me how I was doing etc, innocently enough, ofcorse everything I said went straight back to her lol.

 

Anyway, she sent me a long text which was more or less

 

"I'm so so so sorry for what I did and I know how I treated you was wrong. I hope that you never have to delete my number as I will never delete yours. You were such a huge part of my life and I couldn't do that to you. I will always be here for you no matter what, I hope you find someone that makes you happy and gives you what you deserve"

 

I didn't really know what to make of that to be honest. As I said she is with someone else now, but if I was him, or with someone, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my girlfriend was sending that to a long term ex boyfriend.

 

Didn't really know what to make of that to be honest.

 

It's more from a place of guilt. I'm sure she does care for you and feels bad for what happened, but does that make you feel any better? Probably not. It doesn't change anything, and you are still the one left to deal with your emotions on your own. I got a similar kind of email minus the apology. It was something along the lines of how he would never forget me and would always look back on our time together with happiness. Puke

 

It's a nice gesture but, in the end, you can do without it. It's easy to send an apology text. So what? She knows she treated you wrong, but she still did it anyway. I wouldn't worry too much with it. Just block her, and keep moving on. If she is sorry, that is her animal to deal with. Those are her emotions to deal with you. You have your own path to walk now. I'm not saying she was wrong to sent the message or that her feelings aren't genuine; I'm saying that her message won't help you any. In fact, you might find it condescending down the line.

[BC1980]

I do feel a lot better now, so much better in fact. aha.

 

After I was in shock for about a day, I got angry. But finding out helped me move on so quickly. You know that it's truly over, and you could never go back to that. I remember putting the timeline together and shaking my head. Knowing that he knew and worked with this woman while we were together. You'll be okay. You'll find someone who loves you just as much as you love her.

[Steven1]

After I was in shock for about a day, I got angry. But finding out helped me move on so quickly. You know that it's truly over, and you could never go back to that. I remember putting the timeline together and shaking my head. Knowing that he knew and worked with this woman while we were together. You'll be okay. You'll find someone who loves you just as much as you love her.

 

 

Yeah she got with him far to quickly for my liking for it to be out of the blue...said she had been speaking to him for a while so he was an influence anyway, but glad I found out tbh!.

[Steven1]

Hey guys

 

My ex is wanting to meet up in a few month for a drink etc..., it's thrown me a bit. She has a boyfriend (most of you will already know from my breakup question).

 

But this has really thrown me a bit. She says he is "ok" with me and her having a drink, but she wants him to come a long as well? It's not a situation that I would personally find awkward now after everything has settled down..., and she says he is alright with it, but surely he must be loathing the idea of it?

 

Opinions?

[privategal]

Ehhh. Im not sure I see a point?

If u were great longterm friends before maybe?

Do you really want to see her with him?

Would it hurt? Do you still care about her, miss her friendship?

[Steven1]

Ehhh. Im not sure I see a point?

If u were great longterm friends before maybe?

Do you really want to see her with him?

Would it hurt? Do you still care about her, miss her friendship?

 

 

Yeah we were very good friends before. We were with each other 7 years so.

 

Obviously It's not going to be GREAT seeing her with someone else..., but I've accepted that she is, I'm happy for her that she's doing alright etc, and if she's happy then I'm OK with it. I'll always care about her, even her with me she stills texts regularly to see how I'm doing etc. I don't think her current boyfriend is thrilled by the idea, I said to her if it's going to be awkward for him/her, then I wouldn't want to go through with it, but she said he's ok with it.

[privategal]

My husband met my ex and was cool with it. How long ago was your breakup?how did you heal after 7 years?!

[Steven1]

My husband met my ex and was cool with it. How long ago was your breakup?how did you heal after 7 years?!

 

 

Well, officially we broke up on February 13th. Unofficially things hadn't been good since January.

 

And it's taking a bit. I was depressed, didn't eat etc. Cried, rage, anger, resentment. Had it all. I just threw myself into going to the Gym etc. Go about 6 days a week now when possible, or workouts at home. Friends helped, work etc. Plus I realized that the more I was holding onto the resentment etc I was just holding myself back from moving on.

 

The anger etc I just use at the gym aha.