J dub Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 I am very close with a male friend of mine and have been for a long time, but it makes my boyfriend (3 yrs) anxious and I am just wondering -- what are guidelines I should ahere to that remain within the boundaries of a friendship? He asked me to go camping and I turned it down because it seemed too secluded. Then the work crew went out for a drink one night and my friend met us up there...I wasnt thinking about it but when my b/f asked what I did, I just said "went to [bar] w/ the coworkers, nothin huge" . So that weekend we have a work party and my bf comes along (picnic) and the office gossip asks me, is that your boyfriend or the guy who was with you the other night? And my b/f apparently heard that question because later on he asked me 34908232 questions about who was where, when, who invited who, etc. But how about say, a trip to an amusement park? Movies? The lake? Dinner? Is that ok to do?? Also: Do u think I should have to ask permission? Or tell him after the fact? Or if its something small like lunch, does it really need to be addressed with my boyfriend? Sorry for all the ?'s PS: I have never cheated, or given my b/f a reason to think I have. But he does get this weird tone in his voice when I dont answer my phone...I dont feel I should tell everything 24/7 Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Nothing that can be misconstrued as a date. Do not hug him. Do not kiss him. Do not ever hold his hand or sit on his lap. No physical contact what-so-ever. I had a male cousin that I was super super close to. We always had a blast together. But we would never ever touch, and whenever we'd sit next to one another on a bleacher or whatever, we made sure there was as much space as we could manage. We did NOT want people mistaking us for boyfriend and girlfriend...we were cousins How about...no drive in movies. If he invites you to see a movie, tell your boyfriend that he invited you, and ask your boyfriend if he wants to join the two of you. NEVER DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR FRIEND WITHOUT INVITING YOUR BOYFRIEND ALONG. That way, he can't get jealous, because you offered. Now, if say, your boyfriend is working late, and you and your buddy are off and he invites you to do something like...have dinner with him, call your boyfriend up and tell him that you were invited to dinner with your friend, and you plan on tagging along, but you'll be home by a certain amount of time. If you want to ease your boyfriend's mind, invite him when you can, let him know what you're going to be doing when you can't, and check in with your boyfriend if you're going to be late, so he knows that you're thinking about him. If he sounds bummed about you hanging out with your friend, make an excuse not to. Don't ever tell your friend, "My boyfriend is jealous" because that will give your friend an excuse to try and get between the two of you. If your friend is TRUELY a friend, he won't want there to be trouble in your relationship, because he'll want you to be happy. P.S. Props on not going camping with your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I am very close with a male friend of mine and have been for a long time, but it makes my boyfriend anxious and I am just wondering -- what are guidelines I should ahere to that remain within the boundaries of a friendship? He asked me to go camping and I turned it down because it seemed too secluded. But how about say, a trip to an amusement park? Movies? The lake? Dinner? What do u guys think? Also: Do u think I should have to ask permission? Or tell him after the fact? Or if its something small like lunch, does it really need to be addressed with my boyfriend? Sorry for all the ?'s I would say that yuo need to determine if you friend thinks of you as a friend or possibly more. If he is a friend then the boundries are pretty liberal. If he is harboring feelings then you need to make sure he knows how you feel about your relationship. I think going to lunch or movies, etc is fine with your friend. I would let your B/F know as he seems to have misgivings about the friendship or invite him along. It's when you try to hide things that problems occur. Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
miss fortune Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 YES do *not* try to hide things -- that will only cause problems. I know from personal experience Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Also: Do u think I should have to ask permission? Or tell him after the fact? Or if its something small like lunch, does it really need to be addressed with my boyfriend? Sorry for all the ?'s PS: I have never cheated, or given my b/f a reason to think I have. But he does get this weird tone in his voice when I dont answer my phone...I dont feel I should tell everything 24/7 I wouldn't say ask permission, "May I go to the park with my friend?" But tell him beforehand, "My friend invited me to the park...do you want to come too?" Or if he's unavailable, "My friend invited me to the park, so we're going to go hang out for a while...I'll call you later when I get back," and be sure to call him as soon as you get back. Yes, if your boyfriend feels insecure because of this guy, then you need to give your boyfriend a heads up BEFORE you go with your friend. That way, your guy won't feel like you're sneaking around with your friend, because your boyfriend will always know when you're with your guy friend. You don't have to tell everything 24/7...just always give him too much info when it comes to this friend that makes him insecure. That way, your boyfriend won't feel like you and your friend share something that you can't share with your boyfriend. I'm trying to say it right: If he had a female friend, and then gave you minimal details about their trip to the amusement park AFTER he went with her, then you might get jealous. But if he calls you and says, "Hey, me and my female friend are going to the amusement park...I'll call you later" you'll know why he's not answering his cell phone if he doesn't answer, you'll already know who he's with and what he's doing, and then after his trip, he will call you and tell you ever single ride they rode, and everything they saw, and how many times they rode, and what they talked about, and what they ate, yadda yadda yadda, you won't be jealous at all, because you'll know you can trust him to tell you everything. But he doesn't have to fill you in when he hangs with his mom, or the guys...just with this female friend... I hope I made sense...I feel like I said too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J dub Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 Nothing that can be misconstrued as a date. Do not hug him. Do not kiss him. Do not ever hold his hand or sit on his lap. No physical contact what-so-ever. Fair enough See here's the thing. My guy friend is very friendly and talkative, gets really close to me and acts almost like my protector when we are out with people. The thing is, one day I was telling my b/f that I didnt like this new girl that my guy friend is seeing because she seems sleazy. My bf says to me, "what, are you jealous?" My bf has met the friend a couple of times, they dont really mesh well I dont think though. I feel bad because when my b/f is around, I dont want to talk about work stuff so as to not make him feel left out! Its so difficult, but I dont want to be a stranger to my friend Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by miss fortune YES do *not* try to hide things -- that will only cause problems. I know from personal experience Yes, I've been rough on miss fortune over her boyfriend. Miss fortune: If your boyfriend had called you and said, "honey, I'm going to go to the beach with my female friend...call my cell if you want, but if I don't answer, I might be out of range. I'll call you as soon as I get back." and then as soon as he got back, he called you and said, "I'm back! I was thinking about you...I wish you could've went with me. I got sun burn. My friend got chased down the beach by a yorkie...it was so funny...." would it have bothered you at all? I mean...the fact that it was sneaky was the problem... Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by J dub Fair enough See here's the thing. My guy friend is very friendly and talkative, gets really close to me and acts almost like my protector when we are out with people. The thing is, one day I was telling my b/f that I didnt like this new girl that my guy friend is seeing because she seems sleazy. My bf says to me, "what, are you jealous?" My bf has met the friend a couple of times, they dont really mesh well I dont think though. I feel bad because when my b/f is around, I dont want to talk about work stuff so as to not make him feel left out! Its so difficult, but I dont want to be a stranger to my friend I see Well, I stand by always telling your boyfriend before you hang out with your friend...and then as soon as you and your friend aren't hangning out any more, calling up your bf and telling him all about it. That way, he won't have any reason to be jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by FolderWife I'm trying to say it right: If he had a female friend, and then gave you minimal details about their trip to the amusement park AFTER he went with her, then you might get jealous. But if he calls you and says, "Hey, me and my female friend are going to the amusement park...I'll call you later" you'll know why he's not answering his cell phone if he doesn't answer, you'll already know who he's with and what he's doing, and then after his trip, he will call you and tell you ever single ride they rode, and everything they saw, and how many times they rode, and what they talked about, and what they ate, yadda yadda yadda, you won't be jealous at all, because you'll know you can trust him to tell you everything. All of that, except you don't need to tell your bf every small detail about you and your friend's time together. That'll just make him wonder why you talk about the guy so much and think maybe you're in love with him. Just tell him briefly that you had fun, what you did, and how much you wish he'd been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J dub Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 oh my... All of that, except you don't need to tell your bf every small detail about you and your friend's time together. That'll just make him wonder why you talk about they guy so much and think maybe you're in love with him. This is what happened...I thought I was being a good girlfriend by giving him the 411 and I launched in to a funny story about how the waitress gave my guy friend her phone number on the receipt when he cashed out, so we were teasing him about it all day at work the next day. My b/f looked P.O'd that I explained the story and he said "wow you must have had a lot of fun then" Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by J dub This is what happened...I thought I was being a good girlfriend by giving him the 411 and I launched in to a funny story about how the waitress gave my guy friend her phone number on the receipt when he cashed out, so we were teasing him about it all day at work the next day. My b/f looked P.O'd that I explained the story and he said "wow you must have had a lot of fun then" You need to make sure your bf realizes that you enjoy your time with him more than with your friend and that you haven't completely forgotten him when your friend is around. If sometime while you and your friend are hanging out, something makes you think of your boyfriend, remember to tell him about it later. You can tell your bf how great of a time you had and how funny/great your friend is, but he needs to know that you think he's great too. He also needs to know that you gush about him to your friend in the same way you gush about your friend to him. (I'm hoping that you do that, because telling your friend the good things about your bf will make him like your bf more... unless it makes him jealous. Then you have a whole new set of issues to deal with.) Link to post Share on other sites
miss fortune Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Miss fortune: If your boyfriend had called you and said, "honey, I'm going to go to the beach with my female friend...call my cell if you want, but if I don't answer, I might be out of range. I'll call you as soon as I get back." and then as soon as he got back, he called you and said, "I'm back! I was thinking about you...I wish you could've went with me. I got sun burn. My friend got chased down the beach by a yorkie...it was so funny...." would it have bothered you at all? I mean...the fact that it was sneaky was the problem... Yep, I mean I'd have been like, "Why do u need to go to the beach with her?" but I'd have gotten over it almost immediately after. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 A small insight into the way many men think (at least those that I know) -- it's not a question of how something makes one FEEL (that is secondary). The bigger issue is whether the thing seems inappropriate or not. A man can like someone very much, but if it looks as if too many inappropriate or disrespectful things have happened, he will walk away. The above post about not doing anything that qualifies as a date is sound. If you find that you are irritated about what restrictions you put on yourself about your friend, or that you worry as much about your friend's feelings as your b/f's, then you just don't like your b/f enough to adjust what you do. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 You can be friends with whomever you like, but that doesn't mean your friendship is based on equal terms, and you can't help it if the guy likes you more than you know. Hell, he's already invited you to go camping with him. We've already had this discussion: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64539/?highlight=camping&* Link to post Share on other sites
Author J dub Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You can be friends with whomever you like, but that doesn't mean your friendship is based on equal terms, and you can't help it if the guy likes you more than you know. Hell, he's already invited you to go camping with him. We've already had this discussion: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64539/?highlight=camping&* that post is not mine. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I never said it was yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You can be friends with whomever you like, but that doesn't mean your friendship is based on equal terms, and you can't help it if the guy likes you more than you know. Hell, he's already invited you to go camping with him. We've already had this discussion: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64539/?highlight=camping&* Now that's funny... Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 If I gave half a $hit about my girlfriend of 3 years I wouldn't put myself in a situation that would make my girlfriend uncomfortable. Priorities. What's more important? Hanging around with this guy "friend" of yours in circumstances where at least a casual observer would assume it was more than "friends" or your boyfriend of 3 years' feelings about it? The only reason why I've ever been friends with women outside of work is because I wanted to get naked with them. Why do women have to have all these guy friends when they're in a committed relationship? The boyfriend, even if he knows there's nothing going on, will wonder why it is you need so much masculine attention. What's this friend giving you that the boyfriend can't give? Why isn't the boyfriend around in the circumstance where this other guy is around and giving at least one person the speculation that you're more than friends with the friend guy. I don't know. I don't know why people choose to push this friends of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship boundary. It always causes problems. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by J dub I am very close with a male friend of mine and have been for a long time, but it makes my boyfriend (3 yrs) anxious and I am just wondering -- what are guidelines I should ahere to that remain within the boundaries of a friendship? He asked me to go camping and I turned it down because it seemed too secluded. Then the work crew went out for a drink one night and my friend met us up there...I wasnt thinking about it but when my b/f asked what I did, I just said "went to [bar] w/ the coworkers, nothin huge" . So that weekend we have a work party and my bf comes along (picnic) and the office gossip asks me, is that your boyfriend or the guy who was with you the other night? And my b/f apparently heard that question because later on he asked me 34908232 questions about who was where, when, who invited who, etc. But how about say, a trip to an amusement park? Movies? The lake? Dinner? Is that ok to do?? Also: Do u think I should have to ask permission? Or tell him after the fact? Or if its something small like lunch, does it really need to be addressed with my boyfriend? Sorry for all the ?'s PS: I have never cheated, or given my b/f a reason to think I have. But he does get this weird tone in his voice when I dont answer my phone...I dont feel I should tell everything 24/7 Put yourself in his shoes, then ask yourself what behaviour from your SO would make you uncomfortable. Would you feel happy if he saw a very close female friend for dinner, without telling you? Or went on a camping trip? Even if that wouldn't make him mad, it might (if he has any sense at all) make him uncomfortable. Do you want to make your bf uncomfortable? You are not cheating, but you are being rather insensitive and/or naive IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
phidelt127 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Sounds like some of the people here are jaded and have been burned by a situation like this. I work in a bar and all of us are very good friends there and have been for a very long time. Some of us have boyfriends/girlfriends and some of us don't. We all hug and kiss on a regular basis (friendly hugging and kissing mind you) and there hasn't been any problems as long as we know that there isn't anything but friendship. We also have all been out with each other alone and crashed at each other's places without incident. I don't see why you can't be the kind of friends that you want to be with this guy. I don't think that it should or will interfere with your relationship. I have many friends that are girls and even though I don't have a girlfriend, if I did, I'd ask her to at least understand that I've been friends with these people for a long time. Even though my friends and I are close, no one would ever mistake our closeness and companionship for romantic interest. Take some advice from someone who lives in a situation where being close to your friends is essential to making money and getting along with your co-workers. I believe your boyfriend should understand that you have friends and that some of the are going to be other men. It doesn't mean you're cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Phidelt, you work in a bar, which invalidates everything you just said. Link to post Share on other sites
phidelt127 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Why should it invlaidate what I said? Are we not people with the same feelings as everyone else? I don't think that just because I work in a "friendlier" environment that my statements are invalidated. I would have thsame opinion if I worked in an office. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Trust me, you don't want to work in an office. Link to post Share on other sites
blackendangel13 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 My ex boyfriend was insanely jealous of my best friend. We got into several fights about him actually. I told him flat out he had no reason to be jealous because there was no romantic interest on either of our parts. However, I did make some sacrifices in the relationship to curb my boyfriends jealousy as much as possible. My friend and I used to spend a lot of time at my place (I live alone) watching movies and such. So I promised my ex that I would no longer put myself in positions to be alone in an intimate setting with my friend eventhough nothing was going on. Instead of hanging at my house we went to the cafe or other public places with other friends and I always invited my boyfriend along. He never came with us but the point was I asked him. If my ex had a hot female friend it wouldn't have bothered me. This because I don't believe you can ever tell your significant other who they can and cant be friends with. Thats when other problems will come up in the relationship. Now if he sought out a new female friend just to spite me, then we would have had a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
ggallin13 Posted June 20, 2005 Share Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Trust me, you don't want to work in an office. God, that is so true! For whatever reason offices are a hotbed of sneaky sex, backstabbing, blah blah blah. It's horrible. I am glad I don't work in one. As far as the topic at hand, I would distance myself from the male friend, period. The only reason I am close friends with girls is because I want to sleep with them--unless they are a buddy's girl and that's how we met. Chances are, your friends wants you and as a guy, your BF knows this. I wouldn't do anything that even REMOTELY can be misconstrued at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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