Feeling spiritually destroyed at the moment.

[The_Dork_Lard]

I'm 8 months into a break-up from a 6 1/2 year casual relationship. I got dumped suddenly, and cruelly after spending a lot of time, energy, and money in taking her away on a break to celebrate her 40th birthday.

 

I've been no contact for the whole 8 months except for breaking it 7 weeks ago, in which I received a negative response.

 

Here is a part of an email I just sent to somebody, and it sums up what's going on with me at the moment. If anybody cares to read it and give me some feedback, I'd be interested to hear what you have to say, because I learn through feedback, and I always value others' perspectives. I'm not in a good place right now.

 

 

 

 

 

Life for me is pretty **** at the moment. I'm throwing myself into work because I can't bear my own isolation, sorrow, and loneliness anymore. It's getting quite bad and it's obviously stemming from the whole break-up thing with [ex name]. My friends say "oh just forget about her, she didn't deserve you". But it goes deeper, it's opening up a whole can of issues... even as far as my self esteem, status anxiety, and some weird face dysmorphia thing that's related to diminishing youth, and perpetual imagery of perfectly 'beautiful' people beamed at us on the cover of every magazine, in every commercial, and through every news article. This is not to mention bigger comprehensions such as a realisation that I've never actually had a serious relationship. For me they've always been something just there... to dip in and out of. I've always seen them as existential accompaniments, soul-matey friendships, comfortable spaces for exploring sexuality, but never as a lifelong commitment that requires work and sacrifice. Certainly never as a prelude to procreation, because I don't want children. I guess my approach has been immature, or mal-connective with the dreams and intentions of most women, and right now I feel shattered into a thousand pieces trying not only to come to terms with the loss of [ex name] (with the jealousy, sorrow, and occasional anger that that evokes) but also with the awareness that............. well, I don't know. Possibly that I'm 37, I live in a room in someone elses house, I'm a truck driver (just like I was 15 years ago), I'm introverted, I have a small handful of friends, only 1 of which I can really talk to, I drive a £200 car but I'm hesitant to spend any of my savings on something sweet because a car is just a car, right? And mine gets me to where I need to go without fuss. Nothing seems that interesting anymore (a potential professional career in psychology got boring and felt pretentious and futile), the world is horrifying, the passage of time is depressing, and my parents are getting a lot older and may only have 10 or 15 years left. I have this distorted belief that I'm perceived as too old and ugly for a relationship... or even FWB arrangement or even 1 night stand, even though I'm less keen on FWB and hate 1 night stands. Though I've never been told this - quite the contrary in fact. I even began crying in the street last Sunday (over [ex name]) which is SO NOT me! I've got plans to slowly dig myself out of it, but they take time and a lot of energy - and then I feel a sense of absurdity and futility to doing so anyway.

 

I'm riding this out, and seeing it for what it is, but I hate feeling this bad, I hate feeling this low-esteem, I hate that I know it's my cognition yet no matter how I try to change my thoughts, it feels as if I'm kidding myself and that some deeper force lurks that says "you're completely unworthy". Very little seems to help me... except the idea of women, but I'm nowhere near a pick-up-artist because I hate the misogyny inherent within pick-up-artistry, and I resent even more women who fall for it. I'm steering WELL CLEAR of women for the foreseeable future, for both my sake and theirs. But a little something on the side would be great, but I don't click with anybody, so how do I even get that? I know I'm putting out an air of melancholy, seriousness, and restraint all the time, yet seem unable to alter that energy about myself. I can't frolic, I can't be frivolous, I definitely can't banter... yet I desperately wish I could. I naturally seem to aim straight for discussions on metaphysics, the operations of power, social observations, the human condition, psycho-sexual theories, the fascination of language... but never lighthearted banter, which is what you need in a bar! I don't know where to go, or what to do, not in this town. When people say "you should be having fun on your first dates" that's what I have a problem with: fun. How does one have fun? Ha ha. Sure I can crack jokes, make women laugh, and so on, but why is there always such an emphasis on having fun? What about deep conversations? What about fulfillment through that kind of richness? To me that's a lot of fun. To me, analysing a poem and feeling my hairs stand on end through its beauty and it's truth... that's fun. To me, discussing one's emotional inner experience and relating it to life, and then to have that identified with... that's fun.

 

I dunno... ignore me. I'm sorry dumping this on you. I'm so caught up with my own crap right now that I have little energy for anything else, apart from maybe a few half baked opinions on politics. I'm processing a personal situation, and just getting it out there. I feel you appreciate the human condition, and that you have the depth and complexity to absorb it, understand it, and appreciate it. I'm so caught up in my own spiral of grey doom these days that I'm finding it hard to talk of anything else. I've been here once or twice before... it'll pass after a few months. The last time I was like this (2007-2008) I ended up getting so miserable about being miserable that I dreamt up a coast to coast road trip across America, followed by a decision to earn a psychology degree. I'm back into an existential slump now though. I don't even want sex. Although, I know this is part of the process of betterment. So broadly speaking I think coming outside of this and seeing it for what it is is a positive thing. I am being positive about it, or have the capacity to be positive. It's just that "it" is a negative experience to go through.

 

And all this has stemmed from being dumped by a some highly self-centred arsehole who never came close to knowing me properly.

 

Something has to give soon!

Edited March 26, 2016 by The_Dork_Lard

[Katiely]

Sorry can't help much, I'm sort of in the same boat and can't seem to move on even though it's been only just over three months. I know how you feel, and the two friends I can talk to are almost over hearing about it. I've got the opposite problem in having too much contact still which doesn't help , and I'm not interested in meeting anyone else yet even though I have been asked out, but like you said it's not fair for either them or yourself and might backfire.

 

I'm trying to look after myself better which is not easy if your self-esteem is low, and I've realised as well that if I could change my attitude / thinking about him it would be so much easier and I would be stronger mentally, but easier said than done. Having good days and bad / emotional days, especially when I'm tired. The only thing I know is if I pressure myself into moving on it gets worse.

 

Have taken up some new things, like learning photography and I'm spending a lot of time volunteering which help meeting other people and getting my mind off other things. Also writing my feelings down in a journal to get them off my chest.

 

All the best to you, hope we both come out stronger on the other side!

[Cooper04]

 

Possibly that I'm 37, I live in a room in someone elses house, I'm a truck driver (just like I was 15 years ago), I'm introverted,[...]Nothing seems that interesting anymore (a potential professional career in psychology got boring and felt pretentious and futile), the world is horrifying, the passage of time is depressing, and my parents are getting a lot older and may only have 10 or 15 years left. I have this distorted belief that I'm perceived as too old and ugly for a relationship...

 

It's scary how much I recognize of myself in what you write.

This (apart from the truck driving and living situation), I could have written myself.

Work, friends, sports, nothing seems of consequence anymore, I can't get excited about anything. I hang out with friends, they're laughing and having a great time and I can't seem to figure out why or how.

 

 

But, I'm also old and experienced enough to know it will change. It's taking longer than I thought this time, but deep down I feel secure in the knowledge that I will eventually heal and move on.

 

 

I dunno... ignore me. I'm sorry dumping this on you. I'm so caught up with my own crap right now that I have little energy for anything else, apart from maybe a few half baked opinions on politics. I'm processing a personal situation, and just getting it out there.

 

Something has to give soon!

 

 

You have nothing to be sorry for. In a way, I think this is what this forum is for (among other things), writing out all the negative thoughts and dumping them on the strangers on here, rather than on my friends.

 

Wish you all the best, hang in there!

[privategal]

Since you feel jilted, disrespected, and no closure...your emotions, time to heal and process and have a hard time are totally understandable.

Its OK..you are not weak, you are HUMAN.

Just keep going, take it easy on yourself, dont rush healing.

What she did, how she handled it was wrong. She is selfish and one day you will be SO over her.

Dont be upset you gotta go through the pain to get past it, you cant go around it.

Take your time. You are normal and Im so sorry you got hurt.

[Marc878]

Time and NC are your only options.

 

Sorry

[Satu]

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Edited March 30, 2016 by Satu