When you let your soulmate go...

[waterwoman]

One day, you'll meet someone who you just click. As in talk for hours and hours about just about anything and everything and it felt like no time has passed at all. Sometimes, you might meet someone who can read you without saying anything. And you can do the same for him. Sometimes, you might meet someone who you know how to save and he would know how to save you too.

[/i]

 

You seem a very caring and level-headed woman and I am sorry for your sense of loss. Can I just comment on the above ? I have much of this in someone who I am not married to - but she is female and there is no sexual element. There are many people with whom you click but you don't have to be exclusive or sexual. Friendships do not have to be exclusive - and sometimes if it is 'just' (stupid word) a friendship it can be easier and more beneficial.

[littlechoices]

You seem a very caring and level-headed woman and I am sorry for your sense of loss. Can I just comment on the above ? I have much of this in someone who I am not married to - but she is female and there is no sexual element. There are many people with whom you click but you don't have to be exclusive or sexual. Friendships do not have to be exclusive - and sometimes if it is 'just' (stupid word) a friendship it can be easier and more beneficial.

 

I'm not sure who you are but thank you so much for this. I guess I'm still young and this is the first time that I've talked with someone who I can share things with. To be honest, I'm glad with my decision to stay with my current partner. I'm glad that I got to post this in here.

 

My partner and I currently have a stronger relationship because of this and I'm hoping that this will work out for a longer period of time!

 

I'm a bit jealous that you found a friend - I guess my mistake was crossing that border between a friend and someone you like. Will forever remember your post when making my decisions in the future.

[littlechoices]

Thanks, you are right. I guess I meant "choosing me" in the sense that he continued to pursue a relationship with me over and over even after she knew and cried and begged and threatened and pleaded. Like, I was worth all that trouble for such a long time because...why?

 

But yes, in reality, he has chosen her, and I so need to admit that and start moving on. I just feel like maybe the "it's not supposed to be like this" ideals in OP might help cushion some of the early angst until reality sets in.

 

Hey Ophelia ~ you are right! I guess one thing I learned about this is it teaches us, who experienced something like this, to be more empathetic to people who experience the same situation as ours.

 

While I'm lucky that my current partner is the most loving and understanding human being on earth, I hope that you find what you're looking for.

 

I guess what I learned in here is this: If he doesn't find you worth fighting for, don't. You're never a second option. Ever. You're a woman. And you need to be with someone who will decide to stand beside you through thick or thin.

 

It hurts. A lot. All the hopes, and the dreams -- and oh man the memories. But I guess you're right - we just have to move on.

 

I'm not sure who you are and what life you lead but I just want you to know that I feel for you and hope that you find what you need.

 

P.S. Thank you for being empathetic to my feelings. I really appreciate it.

[13Hearts]

Hey Ophelia ~ you are right! I guess one thing I learned about this is it teaches us, who experienced something like this, to be more empathetic to people who experience the same situation as ours.

 

While I'm lucky that my current partner is the most loving and understanding human being on earth, I hope that you find what you're looking for.

 

I guess what I learned in here is this: If he doesn't find you worth fighting for, don't. You're never a second option. Ever. You're a woman. And you need to be with someone who will decide to stand beside you through thick or thin.

 

It hurts. A lot. All the hopes, and the dreams -- and oh man the memories. But I guess you're right - we just have to move on.

 

I'm not sure who you are and what life you lead but I just want you to know that I feel for you and hope that you find what you need.

 

P.S. Thank you for being empathetic to my feelings. I really appreciate it.

 

I'm glad you came back and posted to tell what all that was about. I was honestly a little worried about you. Despite the fact that you say you are young, it sounds to me like you have a really good head on your shoulders and made a very difficult decision, but in the best interest for all involved. That is so good to know. I wish you the best and hope you stick with your decision.

[ladydesigner]

Hey Ophelia ~ you are right! I guess one thing I learned about this is it teaches us, who experienced something like this, to be more empathetic to people who experience the same situation as ours.

 

While I'm lucky that my current partner is the most loving and understanding human being on earth, I hope that you find what you're looking for.

 

I guess what I learned in here is this: If he doesn't find you worth fighting for, don't.You're never a second option. Ever. You're a woman. And you need to be with someone who will decide to stand beside you through thick or thin.

 

It hurts. A lot. All the hopes, and the dreams -- and oh man the memories. But I guess you're right - we just have to move on.

 

I'm not sure who you are and what life you lead but I just want you to know that I feel for you and hope that you find what you need.

 

P.S. Thank you for being empathetic to my feelings. I really appreciate it.

 

Question for you littlechoices, if your AP would have decided to leave his partner for you, would you have done the same?

 

Also I feel as if you are letting yourself off the hook a little for betraying your partner. I certainly hope that is not the case because there is something within you that allowed you to cheat and I would take a look at that and not just brush it under the rug.

 

A really good book to read if you are interested is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It really goes in depth as to how A's start and why.

[littlechoices]

Question for you littlechoices, if your AP would have decided to leave his partner for you, would you have done the same?

 

Also I feel as if you are letting yourself off the hook a little for betraying your partner. I certainly hope that is not the case because there is something within you that allowed you to cheat and I would take a look at that and not just brush it under the rug.

 

A really good book to read if you are interested is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It really goes in depth as to how A's start and why.

 

Yes, the two of us would but right now, I'm pretty glad we didn't. We both strengthened our relationship with our current partners because of this and I guess that's good.

 

Cheating is not good but what I did learn is that things like this happen when you take certain parts of your relationship for granted. And if you don't do anything, people can take your partner away from you.

 

My current partner and I learned our lesson - and he's really seriously making an effort! And I have to make an effort as well to make sure that he won't have a reason to leave me.

 

Ah~ So many lessons learned on my end haha.

[jenkins95]

Great thread! I am very much an advocate for dispelling the idea of "soul mates". It is such a dangerous concept in affairs and can give the green light for middle aged adults with commitments, dependants and responsibilities to suddenly behave like teenagers again. Yes - I'm one of the guilty ones here! At one point, I did contemplate turning many people's lives upside down in the pursuit of cupid's arrow, but I managed to resist!

 

Having said that, I love the poetic style of the OPs posts, and her later updates after the original post show her to be very level headed and intelligent and show that that the original post was intended to be more of a therapeutic, romantic, poetic vent rather than an absolute reflection of her mindset.

 

Anyway, here are some of my favourite, level-headed quotes from this thread. Anyone in that fog should read these over and over again before making life-changing decisions!

 

Good luck all from the Jenkmeister!

 

Very romantic. Beautiful. Stuff movies are made of.

And all hogwash. The longer you believe this, the more difficult life will be.

I used to believe every word of what you wrote as the absolute truth.......

It turned out to be THE BIGGEST, SCARIEST, MOST DANGEROUS NIGHTMARE OF MY LIFE.

 

YOu will probably find more than one person in your life, whom you believe to be your soulmate......Get over him and move right out of this fantasy world. It is a very dangerous place to be.

 

As long as one considers their AP their 'soulmate that they have to let go' , the temptation / vulnerability to go back is v HIGH......People while in the throes of an affair develop a very skewed view of love , romance and relationships, some also throw spirituality in ......Once you truly are ready to let go and turn over a new leaf , this is not the mindset that you will have.

 

If I had married my ex-bf who I thought was my "soulmate" we would have had really weird-looking kids......oh I so thought my life was over when I got turfed. "Oh woe is me. This is it. Finito. It's all downhill from here." Pfffftt

 

The soulmate mentality only set you up for depression and disappointment. Because no one stays perfectly in sync with you forever, relationships and people both grow and change. So if you feel that out of sync stuff with your "soulmate" it's too easy to think "of maybe I got it wrong and they AREN'T my soul mate, I've been 'duped.'" Then instead of working stuff out and reconnecting, resent builds and you start looking for Soulmate Number Two.

 

The real "soulmates" are not some "fated destiny chemical high" they are the people you accept and choose that accept and choose you back.

 

So much romanticism revolves around being "thisclose" to being with the object of your affection. "Oh we would be perfect except for the timing, their culture, their spouse or the Universe as a whole."

 

Lots and lots of adults LOVE to romanticize not being responsible for their choices. How many times have we heard on LS that " I lurve the OW/OM but I 'can't leave my spouse, it would devastate them.'

 

So who EXACTLY do they love and respect in that circumstance? They drag an outside party through their garbage in their own desperation, whole destroying their partner secretly, behind their back. Neither sounds like "love and soulmates" to me. But it does sound like a series of extremely impulsive and disrespectful choices.

 

I've been through this stage , all heartbroken over not being able to be with my soulmate , reading romantic poetry , listening to sappy songs ...

 

OP, hop over to the infidelity section and read some of the devastation that this very soulmate mentality has brought to individuals and families .

I cannot begin to describe the pain and loss it has caused me.

 

OP, I am sorry for your pain but it sounds like you are over-romanticizing a ONS. We all get hit with cupid's arrow at the wrong time. Developing a crush is normal. It's what you do about it (or don't do about it) that forms your character. Rest assured the universe will never send you your soul mate disguised as another woman's husband.

Edited March 30, 2016 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

I've already quoted it once, but this line is so good, I want to dedicate it a post of it's own: -

 

OP, I am sorry for your pain but it sounds like you are over-romanticizing a ONS. We all get hit with cupid's arrow at the wrong time. Developing a crush is normal. It's what you do about it (or don't do about it) that forms your character. Rest assured the universe will never send you your soul mate disguised as another woman's husband.

 

Brilliant sunburned, and also kind of poetic it's own more grounded way than the OPs posts! My post of the day (yes, I know you wrote it several days ago, but I haven't been around much lately!)

[sunburned]

I've already quoted it once, but this line is so good, I want to dedicate it a post of it's own: -

 

 

 

Brilliant sunburned, and also kind of poetic it's own more grounded way than the OPs posts! My post of the day (yes, I know you wrote it several days ago, but I haven't been around much lately!)

 

Thanks, jenkins! Full disclosure: Wisdom learned the hard way. In hindsight!

[len51]

I do not believe in soul mates. Does anyone think that their soul mate just happened to live near them rather than any other place in the world? The odds are astronomical of that happening. I think what most really mean is that their partner is very compatible with them. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. Love at first sight and we are extremely compatible. I would not think to call her my soul mate. First off I do not believe in souls and secondly, I do not think I just happened to run into mine on a train.

 

I know a lot of people who think they married their soul mate until they got divorced. Love is a result of chemicals released in our brain. It makes us get very attracted to a person, overlook their faults, be interested in whatever they are interested in and want to be with them all the time. Love eventually matures and those pesky chemicals are gone and what you are then left with is the emotional bond from the Oxytocin released during sex. Perhaps the emotional bond between two people is called "soul mate".

 

I know it is not romantic but our emotions/feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions in our brains. Has nothing to do with souls, even if they did exist. BTW, I am married over 40 years and we still love each other but it is not the same kind of love we had for the first 10 years of our marriage. We are very comfortable with each other, like to please each other, care for each other and just fit each other like a glove and a hand.

[jenkins95]

Thanks, jenkins! Full disclosure: Wisdom learned the hard way. In hindsight!

 

Oh yes, I relate to that! If only we could all be born with that wisdom!

 

And if only we could make it international law that every person spends a full week browsing and reading the infidelity and OW boards of LS just after their 18th Birthday! I'm sure it wouldn't eliminate affairs altogether, but it would make a very big dent in the pile!

 

Keep the posts going sunburned - they are excellent and a very welcome dose of reality!

[jenkins95]

Wonderfully put Len. You write really well and have just given me my first smile of the day! Thank you. Keep them coming!

 

I do not believe in soul mates. Does anyone think that their soul mate just happened to live near them rather than any other place in the world? The odds are astronomical of that happening. I think what most really mean is that their partner is very compatible with them. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. Love at first sight and we are extremely compatible. I would not think to call her my soul mate. First off I do not believe in souls and secondly, I do not think I just happened to run into mine on a train.

 

I know a lot of people who think they married their soul mate until they got divorced. Love is a result of chemicals released in our brain. It makes us get very attracted to a person, overlook their faults, be interested in whatever they are interested in and want to be with them all the time. Love eventually matures and those pesky chemicals are gone and what you are then left with is the emotional bond from the Oxytocin released during sex. Perhaps the emotional bond between two people is called "soul mate".

 

I know it is not romantic but our emotions/feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions in our brains. Has nothing to do with souls, even if they did exist. BTW, I am married over 40 years and we still love each other but it is not the same kind of love we had for the first 10 years of our marriage. We are very comfortable with each other, like to please each other, care for each other and just fit each other like a glove and a hand.

[ladydesigner]

I do not believe in soul mates. Does anyone think that their soul mate just happened to live near them rather than any other place in the world? The odds are astronomical of that happening. I think what most really mean is that their partner is very compatible with them. I met my wife and we were engaged 3 weeks later. Love at first sight and we are extremely compatible. I would not think to call her my soul mate. First off I do not believe in souls and secondly, I do not think I just happened to run into mine on a train.

 

I know a lot of people who think they married their soul mate until they got divorced. Love is a result of chemicals released in our brain. It makes us get very attracted to a person, overlook their faults, be interested in whatever they are interested in and want to be with them all the time. Love eventually matures and those pesky chemicals are gone and what you are then left with is the emotional bond from the Oxytocin released during sex. Perhaps the emotional bond between two people is called "soul mate".

 

I know it is not romantic but our emotions/feelings are nothing more than chemical reactions in our brains. Has nothing to do with souls, even if they did exist. BTW, I am married over 40 years and we still love each other but it is not the same kind of love we had for the first 10 years of our marriage. We are very comfortable with each other, like to please each other, care for each other and just fit each other like a glove and a hand.

 

Ah I have to agree with this post. Such great insight!

[littlechoices]

Sooo. My current partner and I are still together - and I can definitely say that, because we handled this situation in a very, very HONEST way - I can definitely say that we leveled up our relationship, lol.

 

It sucks that it had to take a situation like this for my current partner and I to see each other in a different light but, while this experience was bad, I'm glad that I've learned many, many lessons.

 

If someone is currently experiencing something like this and you're not sure what's the next step (like I did), I can definitely say the following things help you become a better and happier person:

 

1. Be honest. If honesty entails hurting ur current partner, your partner deserves to learn the truth. EVERYTHING. No white lies. No half-truths.

2. Never seek for revenge if there is pain involved.

3. Always look for the right thing to do. It will hurt most of the time but you will never regret that choice.

4. If you feel pain with any decision you make, I can guarantee you that the pain will disappear in a few days, weeks or months as long as you tried to resolve things in a very, very honest and pure way.

5. Take responsibility for your actions. Even if taking responsibility means losing your self-esteem for quite some time.

 

And, if you're lucky like me, your current partner may be someone who will always see the beauty in you despite everything. If you have that partner, fight for that relationship no matter how evil you think you are. These people are gemstones. Like seriously.

 

Anyway, it's been interesting to read everyone's comment but just wanted to give a quick feedback on most of everyone's comments:

 

Guys, it doesn't help to have a tone that "lashes" out on a person. Like condemning. I know most of you don't intend it to be but it definitely looks that way. I'm not mad or anything but I wanted to let you know that those people who were more empathetic with responding to this thread has helped me make constructive choices compared to those who had "lashes" on their post.

 

I'm glad that this has worked out well and appreciate everyone's comments - but especially (and 100%) appreciate those people who were very empathetic. Your comments have definitely helped me make very constructive choices. You have definitely helped my current partner and I's relationship grow stronger.

[jenkins95]

Great to read such a positive post! Well done littlechoices and I'm really glad if LS provides (mainly) good support for you! Great stuff, very proud!

[littlechoices]

Great to read such a positive post! Well done littlechoices and I'm really glad if LS provides (mainly) good support for you! Great stuff, very proud!

 

Yay, thank you!

 

To be honest, I'm really glad to have come across LS if not, I would have done some really stupid choices lol.

 

Love this place <3