What did I do wrong?

[Satu]

Its best for you to proceed as if this relationship is permanently over.

 

Look around you:

 

Do you see a boyfriend?

 

No.

 

You also don't see anyone ignoring you, or shouting at you.

 

You are single.

 

Live like a single woman.

 

Make being single a good thing.

 

 

Take care.

[crystalhoon]

Hi guys. I'm back because I'm having one of those bad moments. I find it easier to post here than to text him.

Long story short. Ex asked for space a month ago after a particular fight to think about things and during that time he decided to move to another country to work in his family business and focus on his future. During that time when he asked for space I had a hard time giving it to him and I pushed him to give me answers. He kept saying he doesn't know when I asked where we stand and unsure about the future. He said we should see if how it is when he comes back in 6 months. We would get into arguments and things just got bad.

The day before he left, we got into it again and he told me to stop asking him questions and that he's dealing with a lot right now and does not have time to deal with this. I said what I needed to say and said I'll never bother him again. He apologized and we haven't spoke since.

Do you think he forgot about me? I'm really tempted to text him and see how he is and if he's all settled. It's been ten days since we last spoke and it's the longest I gave him space. Do you think he'll contact me again?

[MachineGunFunk]

Do not contact him. He either needs a long break or does not want you. You'll find out the answer as time passes: whether he likes you or not. Guys are very straightforward people and this one seems like trouble. He really does not want you to contact him and you should not contact him.

Edited April 8, 2016 by MachineGunFunk

[Simon Phoenix]

No ... no one forgets about anyone they dated in 10 days.

[mightycpa]

He's not interested. He hasn't forgotten about you, but he's probably not thinking about you.

 

The way it generally works with most people is that they don't really want to hurt other people more than absolutely necessary. So instead of saying things like

To be honest, I just can't stand being around you anymore. We're done. Go away and don't come back again.

they phrase this sentiment in ways that will soften the blow. They might say something like this instead

I need some space. I'm going to move to another country to work in my family business and focus on my future. I don't know where we stand, and I'm unsure about the future. I just need about six months to figure it out, and we'll see what happens then.

Even then, you can't believe your ears. You ask questions, and you pepper him with questions so that you can make sense of what you're hearing. He takes just about all he can take of it, and maybe says something like

Stop asking me all these questions! I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and I don't have time to deal with all this too!

Then you get miffed, and say something reactionary, like

I said what I needed to say and said I'll never bother you again.

You want him to react, and to stop you in your tracks. Instead, he apologizes and then he disappears, according to his original plan.

 

But he's not really sorry, other than he was sorry that you got upset. He wanted your split to go better, easier, no headaches. But that's over now, and either way, he's glad. He's gotten what he really wanted.

 

Now, all you have to do is really want what you've gotten.

Edited April 8, 2016 by mightycpa

[d0nnivain]

He didn't forget about you but his actions are clearly saying that he's done with you & the relationship. He left the country. He's not coming back. He is not making plans for you to relocate to him. He's building a life somewhere else, without you.

 

 

Your energies are best spent on your own healing.

[PegNosePete]

No he didn't forget about you. He knows exactly who you are, where you are, what you think, and how to contact you.

 

But he chooses not to.

 

It's over. Sorry.

[crystalhoon]

Hi guys, posting here and being on this website is usually what helps me get through the day since this break up.

Since the break up, I've went on NC for about 10 days but I couldn't do it anymore because I needed answer. My exboyfriend left the country and won't be back until december, and I guess we can say we were putting a hold on the relationship? I'm really not sure. I broke NC a couple days ago because I really needed some answers. Everything was fine and out of nowhere he left. He's the type who has a hard time facing his problems. We got into an argument and said a lot of mean things to each other. He kept saying its over and how things won't be the same anymore and how he hated me. I've been bugging him for answers since he asked for a "break" and never once had a real talk about the whole thing without arguing. After that argument, when I woke up in the morning, I realize we said some nasty things to each other so I texted him one last closure text saying I dont know how it all went wrong and how we were just fine and all this happen. We didnt have a bad relationship and how I dont think I'm ever capable of hating him because at one point we did love each other. I didnt expect a text back since it was the middle of the night for him, however, he texted back saying he doesn't know and how he was sorry and how we should see what happens when he comes back. He also told me how he never said it's wasn't worth it to him and how its not easy for him either and kept saying everything is his fault. We agreed that we cant be friends because it's not good for the both of us and that he promised to tell me once he's back . I told him that I would always be here for him if he needs someone to talk to too and he said I know

The next day, we sort of updated on what he was doing but I got the sense that he ddint want to talk to me so which made me sad so I said what I needed to say once and for all. I told him this whole thing was not easy for me and that I will try my best to move on and do what I need to do to move on. I also told him to understand why I acted so crazy because of how he handled the whole thing by leaving without seeing me or telling me. I also told him that even though its not easy for him, he had the choice to try and I didnt. I had no choice but to accept this. I ended it with to keep his promise about telling me when he comes back and we will see where we go from there.

 

I dont regret breaking NC because I needed to say these things so I can have a better understanding. I know i did all that I could in this situation. It was something we both have no control over. He left the country to work in his family business to built his future, and I support that. I never once blame him or tried to change his mind no matter how frustrated I got this last month. I think the sad part of this whole thing was that we built a great relationship and there wasn't necessarily anything wrong. Life just got in the way. He was doing nothing with his life before he met me. He was partying literally almost everyday. I helped him get back on his feet and think of his future, and Im glad he made this choice to move away for awhile to built his future. I just wished I could be there for support him. I think breaking NC was the best decision at the moment and it's a lot easier to go back to NC now for some reasons I can't pinpoint. Its like after that talk, I know I had no other choice but to do NC. Theres just no used to staying in contact anymore. Those who is going through a breakup, listen to your heart. Even though everyone on here keeps saying not to contact them, sometimes its best best to just listen to your heart. Everything is situational.

 

But here are some of the thoughts I keep having and i know its easier to post here than to text him.

 

Do you guys think this is easy for him to do or he's just saying that so it won't hurt me as much. December is a long time from now and so much can change. Do you think he will eventually forget about me? do you guys think that as time goes by and I stay NC, there will be a chance of it working out? He threaten so many times to block me when I spammed him for answers but he never once did not matter how crazy I got. Do you think it's because part of him is still unsure about what he wants? Do you think time apart will allow us to see what we really want? would the best idea be to leave him alone for figure it out? He keeps telling me to see what happens when he comes back each and everytime we talk, do you think he means it?

 

Thanks guys

Edited April 12, 2016 by crystalhoon

[Zahara]

Do you guys think this is easy for him to do or he's just saying that so it won't hurt me as much. December is a long time from now and so much can change. Do you think he will eventually forget about me? do you guys think that as time goes by and I stay NC, there will be a chance of it working out? He threaten so many times to block me when I spammed him for answers but he never once did not matter how crazy I got. Do you think it's because part of him is still unsure about what he wants? Do you think time apart will allow us to see what we really want? would the best idea be to leave him alone for figure it out? He keeps telling me to see what happens when he comes back each and everytime we talk, do you think he means it?

 

The relationship in his mind is over. He isn't as emotionally attached as you are, therefore, while I don't think it's "easy" for anyone in a break-up, I think he is saying it to soften the blow. He knows you are hurting so he is being passive in trying to say things that aren't going to hurt you even more.

 

Yes, December is a long time. Predicting a change of heart is futile. Hopefully by then, you will have detached and likely choose to move on from him. This isn't just about him moving on, you will too. I don't even know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow -- predicting 9 months from now is unrealistic.

 

He won't forget you but he won't be thinking about you in the way you hope for because it seems he is likely detached/detaching from you emotionally.

 

Regardless, you need to leave him alone and go strict NC. Don't be that girl that helps him transition towards his new life, while you sit waiting for 9 months to go by hoping he'll revisit with a new found longing for you. This is the best time for you to let go and use this time to detach as well -- clear your heart and your brain -- find your clarity.

[LD1990]

I think you should go NC and live your life as if you two aren't gonna be together again, because that's what his actions demonstrate. This guy left the country with talking to you about it or seeing you before he left. When you pressed him for answers, he said when he gets back you can "see what happens." Sounds to me like he is just saying whatever keeps you off his back. Do you really want a partner who doesn't even tell you before he leaves the country?

[crystalhoon]

you guys are right. i know I should move on but its hard because i feel like we built something great. it just sucks how he can just drop everything and move on like I didn't mean anything, esp all that I did for him.

[Satu]

You gave it your best and did what you could.

 

Give yourself your best now.

 

You'll be upset for a while, but you will heal and be able to move on.

 

It takes time, but its doable.

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[Zahara]

you guys are right. i know I should move on but its hard because i feel like we built something great. it just sucks how he can just drop everything and move on like I didn't mean anything, esp all that I did for him.

 

I'm in no way minimizing this but the relationship was fairly short -- still in its honeymoon phase and if anything count your lucky stars that he decided to end it now and if in this short time you're already on shaky ground -- all is probably for the best.

 

Something great to you may not translate the same to him. You can't project how you value the relationship onto him. It would be nice if they felt the same way but unfortunately, these things happen. He may appreciate all that you have done for him, just not enough to stay in a relationship that may not be fulfilling him.

[crystalhoon]

yeah I know I need to move on right now but I just hate how he kept saying we will see what happens in 9 months. I think thats the part that messes with my mind. the "what if". I honestly thought that we did have something special but I guess I was wrong. Its just sad how I gave so much to make this relationship work and he can just walk away like its nothing and it doesnt bother him at all.

 

I guess its a lot easier that hes actually gone. There's just not possibility of running into him. and the different time zone actually helps a lot too. I just wished he had given me a better explanation before he left.

Everyone warned me about him and he even said so himself that he never gets into a relationship for more than two months but we went out for a six months. He told me he never felt this way about a girl before and how I'm one of the couple of people he trusted. He said I was different. I guess he made me believe that I actually meant something to him when I didn't. It hard to get over something like that.

He led me to believe to what we had was special. Even up until the day before our fight that led to a break, he still asked me to open a business with him. But I dont know how that all changed. I knew he was going through a lot when he came back from a trip and was sad for awhile,dealing with family problems. but everything happened so sudden that I'm having a hard time accepting it.

[Zahara]

Everyone warned me about him and he even said so himself that he never gets into a relationship for more than two months but we went out for a six months.

 

This was a huge red flag for you. When someone tells you how they maneuver relationships, they're telling you for a reason. He was warning you as well.

 

He told me he never felt this way about a girl before and how I'm one of the couple of people he trusted. He said I was different. I guess he made me believe that I actually meant something to him when I didn't. It hard to get over something like that.

 

The ones that can't maintain relationships are the ones that normally tell you you're different from the others. They thrive on the honeymoon -- the newness and when that wears off, he will put you where he put the rest. When he told you he can't do more than 2 months, that was your signal to head the other way. It possibly lasted a few months longer with you because you were probably less demanding, maybe better in accommodating, etc.

[basil67]

yeah I know I need to move on right now but I just hate how he kept saying we will see what happens in 9 months. I think thats the part that messes with my mind. the "what if".

 

Try taking back some of your power here. Reject the 'what if'.

 

Instead of being sad or pondering what might happen, try "I can't believe this asshat thinks he might get another try with me in 9 months. He takes off without even decent explanation and thinks I might let him back into my life. Well, he can F off with those ideas!"

 

I know you aren't at the stage to be thinking in this way yet. But when you're ready, both anger and self esteem will take you a long way in recovery.

[crystalhoon]

How do I learn how to let go guys it's really hard right now because I felt like we did have a strong connection

[crystalhoon]

This was a huge red flag for you. When someone tells you how they maneuver relationships, they're telling you for a reason. He was warning you as well.

 

 

 

The ones that can't maintain relationships are the ones that normally tell you you're different from the others. They thrive on the honeymoon -- the newness and when that wears off, he will put you where he put the rest. When he told you he can't do more than 2 months, that was your signal to head the other way. It possibly lasted a few months longer with you because you were probably less demanding, maybe better in accommodating, etc.

 

 

I remember during one fight we got into, out of anger he said "you don't even know how much I changed for you". It was thingslike this that makes it hard for me to think otherwise of the relationship. i also blame myself for not being as supportive and giving the space he needs. He said himself that he didn't want to be with my cause I didn't give him space when he asked for it. But it was hard for me becuase he literal didn't give me any explaination just that he was leaving for awhile

[Zahara]

How do I learn how to let go guys it's really hard right now because I felt like we did have a strong connection

 

There's no quick fix. Unfortunately, the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

It's going to take awhile for you to actually let go. You're grieving now so you're going to go through a slew of emotions.

 

You felt like you had a strong connection, but he didn't so you'll have to come to terms with that.

 

Lean on your friends and family. I know this will be hard but blocking him will help you move on faster. Trust when I say contact from him will only prolong your pain and feed your hope. Start to grasp the reality of who he really is -- he was telling you how he is in relationships for a reason -- it was a passive warning. When you start seeing him for who he is, that reality will help you move forward. Right now it's hard because you're idealizing him. But all this takes time and you just have to go through the process. Try to be around people, stay busy and STAY NC.

[crystalhoon]

There's no quick fix. Unfortunately, the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

It's going to take awhile for you to actually let go. You're grieving now so you're going to go through a slew of emotions.

 

You felt like you had a strong connection, but he didn't so you'll have to come to terms with that.

 

Lean on your friends and family. I know this will be hard but blocking him will help you move on faster. Trust when I say contact from him will only prolong your pain and feed your hope. Start to grasp the reality of who he really is -- he was telling you how he is in relationships for a reason -- it was a passive warning. When you start seeing him for who he is, that reality will help you move forward. Right now it's hard because you're idealizing him. But all this takes time and you just have to go through the process. Try to be around people, stay busy and STAY NC.

 

 

Yeah i know it's going to be a long hard process. It's just hard because i still have hope that maybe he will come around. I know I'm just being stupid to have hope. It's just hard to accept Losing everything we built. I feel so stupid for even thinking he might realize what he lost when all of you guys are saying he doesn't care anymore I think I've gotten to a point where I can't even have any contact with him at all. I know it'll do more harm than good. I accepted that I can't contact him. I said what I needed to say the last time we broke nc and that helped. Do you think overtime he'll eventually think about this relationship when all the mess from the breakup settles down? It just felt like through the whole break up he was so unsure about it. He threaten to block me but never goes the with it (even when I became super crazy).

I think part of me wanted him to block me so it can feel final.

[Zahara]

Yeah i know it's going to be a long hard process. It's just hard because i still have hope that maybe he will come around. I know I'm just being stupid to have hope. It's just hard to accept Losing everything we built. I feel so stupid for even thinking he might realize what he lost when all of you guys are saying he doesn't care anymore I think I've gotten to a point where I can't even have any contact with him at all. I know it'll do more harm than good. I accepted that I can't contact him. I said what I needed to say the last time we broke nc and that helped. Do you think overtime he'll eventually think about this relationship when all the mess from the breakup settles down? It just felt like through the whole break up he was so unsure about it. He threaten to block me but never goes the with it (even when I became super crazy).

I think part of me wanted him to block me so it can feel final.

 

It's normal to have hope. It's called denial. And it's one of the stages of grief after one experiences a loss. It's not stupid, it's actually very normal. There is going to come a time when you'll start to accept the finality of this but for now, your heart and head is at war.

 

OP, he's moving away to build a future for himself. You have to accept that he is emotionally detaching and his mind and heart is going to be open to new surroundings and new opportunities. If he can let you go, he's not that invested in you anymore.

 

I hate to sound harsh but this guy ended with you over a text message. That is how much value and respect he had for you -- he hid behind a text and is now escaping to his new life.

 

Yes, even dumpers can be unsure about ending. The thing is, they grapple about ending way before the break-up happens. So it could have been months before whereby he was already thinking of it -- so take into account his inability to be in long term commitments. So while they're thinking about ending, they're going through the usual motions in the relationship (being sweet, caring, loving/planning -- sometimes to throw you off the scent or due to their guilt for knowing that they're going to hurt you) -- until they decide it's over, then they leave. You the dumpee -- you're hit in the gut and never saw it coming. And even after ending, they will waffle because they have to go through their own discomfort of not having someone to lean on anymore so they give you mixed signals and they keep you on the backburner just incase they need a fallback. They don't completely let you go - if they need to revisit you for their benefit. Hence not blocking you. This is where YOU make it final.

 

Do what's best for you -- block him. If he really wants you, hell or high water, he'll come for you.

[crystalhoon]

It's normal to have hope. It's called denial. And it's one of the stages of grief after one experiences a loss. It's not stupid, it's actually very normal. There is going to come a time when you'll start to accept the finality of this but for now, your heart and head is at war.

 

OP, he's moving away to build a future for himself. You have to accept that he is emotionally detaching and his mind and heart is going to be open to new surroundings and new opportunities. If he can let you go, he's not that invested in you anymore.

 

I hate to sound harsh but this guy ended with you over a text message. That is how much value and respect he had for you -- he hid behind a text and is now escaping to his new life.

 

Yes, even dumpers can be unsure about ending. The thing is, they grapple about ending way before the break-up happens. So it could have been months before whereby he was already thinking of it -- so take into account his inability to be in long term commitments. So while they're thinking about ending, they're going through the usual motions in the relationship (being sweet, caring, loving/planning -- sometimes to throw you off the scent or due to their guilt for knowing that they're going to hurt you) -- until they decide it's over, then they leave. You the dumpee -- you're hit in the gut and never saw it coming. And even after ending, they will waffle because they have to go through their own discomfort of not having someone to lean on anymore so they give you mixed signals and they keep you on the backburner just incase they need a fallback. They don't completely let you go - if they need to revisit you for their benefit. Hence not blocking you. This is where YOU make it final.

 

Do what's best for you -- block him. If he really wants you, hell or high water, he'll come for you.

 

Thank you so much. Im just having at hard time accepting right now. I know I need too because it's for the best. I think why I'm still holding onto hope is because I know he doesn't have friends or anyone there just family which makes me think that there is a chance he'll need me. I know I shouldn't have to hold onto that idea because it does more damage than good:( your advice is slowly helping me get a grip of this whole situation and think more rational.

Do you think he'll think about me at all once the emotion from the break up settles?

[Zahara]

TI think why I'm still holding onto hope is because I know he doesn't have friends or anyone there just family which makes me think that there is a chance he'll need me.

 

Don't let someone use you as a fallback. What about you? You mentioned you don't have a supportive circle to lean on. He doesn't care that he's leaving you behind and pursuing his future. Stop sacrificing yourself for him. If anything, you'll enable his need to treat you as a fallback. Disappear. He will not realize your value if you are present in his life -- he will take you for granted. He should WANT you, not need you.

 

Do you think he'll think about me at all once the emotion from the break up settles?

 

You're trying to project how you feel and view this -- he is emotionally detaching or likely has detached. So there is no "emotion from the break-up settles." You're the one that is in turmoil, he's not. He managed and dealt with his emotions a long time ago. This isn't sudden for him. He's had time to deal with his feelings and transition to where he is now.

 

He'll think of you I am sure but likely not in the way you hope for.

Edited April 13, 2016 by Zahara

[crystalhoon]

I also think another reason I'm holding onto hope is because he kept repeating over and over how we will see what happens when he comes back even each and every time. I told him I'm afraid there won't be anything because if we can't fix it now, there won't be anything to work with in the future

[Zahara]

I also think another reason I'm holding onto hope is because he kept repeating over and over how we will see what happens when he comes back even each and every time. I told him I'm afraid there won't be anything because if we can't fix it now, there won't be anything to work with in the future

 

This is just empty talk. It's common for dumpers to do it because they aren't emotional so it's easy to spew. They're either placing you on the backburner or softening the blow you just received. Rationally, he doesn't even know what these 9 months are going to entail so you need to treat that as BS.

 

You accept that he has ended with you. And you are right, if there is nothing now, then chances are, there will be nothing later.

 

If you accept that it is over and do all you can to move on, you win. Why? If he comes back, you'll be in a better head space to decide how you want to move forward. If you still want to give it a chance, you can and if you feel you've moved on from him, it will be no sweat off your back. If he doesn't come back, you won't even care because you will be well on your way to new opportunities and new people. Win win.

 

But this pining and hoping for the next few months -- leaves you in indefinite pain. Don't sit around and wait for someone to choose you. Where is your power in all of this? It was a 7 month relationship -- don't waste another 9 months hoping to get picked.