PrincessMe Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Ok here it is. My husband and i moved about 9 mos ago and he decided to stay home with the kids while i worked, seeing as we have 4 kids, it's cheaper that way and he's actually doing great. My problem is, i got him a computer and internet service and taught him how to use the messangers ect, so i could talk to him from work too. I started suspecting things were going on when he would shut down the computer and turn off his msngr whenever i canme home. What I did: I made up a fake Id and username fake e-mail all of it. I went to the chat room where i knew he hung out and started flirting with him. I did this over the course of two weeks and remebered all the things I fell in love with him for. What Happened: Eventually (i told him i was in love with him) as the "GIRL".......... and he said it back and wanted to meet (her).................... i was so shocked, i didn't know what to do. Now he's finding excuses to leave the house for random things. I know he gets bored at home all day and understand him needing entertainment. What i'm asking: Is he cheating or just having a good time? Am I being crazy and paranoid? Looking for advice I want to save my marriage but am lost. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Ask your husband to go to marriage counseling to work out the problems you are having. There are definitely some red flags there, and its best to catch these things sooner than later. I expect the two of you have a lot to say to each other, painful things that neither of you want to hear - but they are things that need to be said so that you can work past this to save your marriage. At this point, any cheating going on is just symptomatic of a larger problem. The 'cheating' will come up in counseling - right now, you want to try to work on those things that led you two to this point. I would not assume that every time he leaves he is cheating on you - being a stay at home mom who works from home I can tell you with some confidence that sometimes you are crawling the walls to get out of the house and any excuse will do. At this point, you'll want to focus on the things you do know: the internet stuff. If you are not comfortable talking to him about it yet, keep doing the 'chat' thing and print out the logs. Install a keylogger on your machine. Get some solid 'in print' stuff to go to him with. Once you get it, sit him down and hand him the papers and calmly tell him that you feel that it is time for marriage counseling. Hopefully with enough time and patience and work you two can work through those things together that led him to do what he did. Cheating is a symptom of a deeper illness in your relationship. Treat the illness and you are less likely to see the symptoms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrincessMe Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 I know what it's like to stay home too, i did it for 5 years straight, that's why i told him it was ok to do the chat thing at first. I have printed off all of the chat logs that (the girl) and he have had. His excuses to leave are ridiculous like wanting to go camping fathers day weekend (BY HIMSELF HE SAYS) and excluding the rest of the family. Says he needs time alone (which by the way the weekend after that he has a trip planned to his hometown for the weekend ALONE) Last weekend was horrible we had a huge fight(worst we ever had) and over and over again i asked him what was wrong? how could i change it? how could i make him happy?. His only response was I don't know We have been together for 2 and a half years at this point and have one of our 4 daughters together. I'm totally in love with him. His solution to our problems was to have an open marriage and try things that way.(my solution was counceling, which he promptly put down) So I don't know what to do . Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 15, 2005 Share Posted June 15, 2005 Damn.. Well first let me say I'm so sorry.. this is an ugly place to be in. Secondly.. Open Marriage.. Well I have some experience in this. My EXH wanted to have an "Open Marriage" which translated into "I'm cheating on you, so hey how about we have an open marriage and then when you find out what I've been up to I'll feel okay since I told you what I was doing.. uh.. sort of" BUT mine had an added twist to it.. My EXH wanted me to have sex with his friends My answer was "Hell no!" I asked him to move out when he told me this was something he was doing with or without my consent and he didn't want to go to counseling. He finally did decide he wanted to try counseling, and I did so at that point because we have little people together.. HOWEVER we went to ONE session when he told the counselor "I don't know why Merin wants a divorce.. I do Love her and I can't see why an open marriage would be bad for our relationship" WTF! Yes he was in denial.. well either that or he is just an a**h***.. eh either way.. I filed for divorce against his wishes.. but f'ck it, he had an open marriage against mine. Regardless of what happens in your situation.. stick to what you know is okay for YOU and your Little people. This is a marriage of 2 people and it can't be all about what he wants and what makes just him okay. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrincessMe Posted June 15, 2005 Author Share Posted June 15, 2005 ooh merin i'm so sorry for you. Thank you for your advice though, lots to think about and consider. The thing right now that bothers me is: first of all he's a heavy guy so he has had alot of self image problems, his newest thing is, if i sleep with other women it will help me get over my insecurities. So i am leaving in an hour to go home. Don't know what i'm going to say or do( i have an inckling to beat him with a frying pan) Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by PrincessMe ooh merin i'm so sorry for you. Thank you for your advice though, lots to think about and consider. The thing right now that bothers me is: first of all he's a heavy guy so he has had alot of self image problems, his newest thing is, if i sleep with other women it will help me get over my insecurities. So i am leaving in an hour to go home. Don't know what i'm going to say or do( i have an inckling to beat him with a frying pan) LOL It's all okay girl.. We have been divorced for 3 years and it was my choice to end it.. while yeah it wasn't what I had planned for life, it's what was put in my lap so I dealt with it the only way I could. My EXH and I had gotten married waaaaaaaaayyyy to young to begin with, not that excuses him for what he did but yeah I'm sure that was a factor.. I don't know what you're going to say or do (The frying pan sounds good LOL) but whatever it is.. make sure you don't compromise on the "Open marraige" deal... Hang in there Girl and I hope it all works out the way you would want it Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Don't know what i'm going to say or do( i have an inckling to beat him with a frying pan) Divorce papers would be much more effective than a frying pan. A frying pan might hurt, but divorce papers will make him really squirm. Talk to a lawyer, and let the lawyer know everything you have found out and let him know that you are interested in how you can protect yourself and your children to the FULLEST EXTENT. Then, have a separation/divorce agreement drawn up based on what you talk about. First, drop your printouts from your internet 'conversations' and suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses, then set the papers in front of him. Tell him that if he does not agree to marriage counseling, then you will divorce him on grounds of adultery, force him to leave your home, have his wages garnished for alimony and child support and sue for full custody of your children. Now, that is leveling a crippling ultimatum: but... it may be what it takes to get your H's head out of his ass. I am fairly certain he won't call your bluff on this, but if he still refuses to go to marriage counseling - then you'll know that you have a choice: stay in this horrible situation, or sign the papers and free yourself from him. Link to post Share on other sites
pixie-stixs Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Why not meet him???!! Why not carry out the who chat thing to the point of meeting somewhere, AND THEN if he shows up, there is your answer....It could be a harmless sort of excitement to make the days go by and at which point he will never meet you. If he really needs out then he will meet you (girl) Arrange to meet in a place that is sort of hard to be noticed right away. If he does show up and you spot him then approach him---and tell him everything!!!!!!! It may make your marriage stronger, if not, at least you can get answers and get it all out. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Bet you wish you never taught him how to use a computer. Maybe he should return to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrincessMe Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 It could be a harmless sort of excitement to make the days go by and at which point he will never meet you. That's exactly what i was thinking but you know I tried this I asked him for his address as the "girl" and guess what ?........He gave out our h ome address and home number along with his cell number. So it was apparent to me that he was serous about meeting her. First, drop your printouts from your internet 'conversations' and suggest marriage counseling I have asked for counceling and he said it's personal issues and talking to these women helps him with his low self esteem and body image issues........(and to think that's what i thought i was paying for his private counceling for) Bet you wish you never taught him how to use a computer You have no idea how much i wish that right now Maybe he should return to work. Ok about that. I asked him about that and having a imited social life, i even offered to put the kids in day care or get a sitter so he could go back to work. His answer word for word " i've spent a long time working and i am enjoying the break it gives me time to relax and watch the kids grow and see things i've been missing" Well hmm still lost................................. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Excuses, excuses... I bet he's enjoying his break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PrincessMe Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 Excuses, excuses... I bet he's enjoying his break. HA HA HA HA . . . . . . Something about that just hit as absolutly hilarious......I laughed for a good 3 or 4 minuets. Thank you! I needed to step back from the stress and just let go for a min. But about that Yes i am sure he is enjoying his break very much, who wouldn't? Link to post Share on other sites
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