Caught my girlfriend texting another man.

[julienala]

Hi all,

 

Going through a bit of a tough time right now. So my girlfriend of almost 5 years whom I met in college, also relocated and now lives with me, recently took a Euro trip with her family as well as to New York for a weekend getaway, I met her there afterwards. She travels every year to see her family so I wasn't bothered but this trip was especially long, about 3 weeks. When I met up with her in New York, she was very cold and distant which was weird because we were perfect before she left. She didn't want to have sex or go out at night. Basically the whole vibe was off with her being cold and un-talkative (she talks alot). When we came back home, I confronted her about it and she started saying all these things about how those 3 weeks gave her time to reflect and she just doesn't feel like she can't count on me emotionally, was tired of waiting for me to propose (she's four years older than I am) though we talked about it and I told her I would and everything we've ever fought about in the past 4+ years surfaced. Later on that week, I found some messages on her computer, saying romantic things with another guy but I kept silent. Last week, we decided to take a break while she traveled again for a week to China for 'work' (the guy she was texting is from there) and towards the end, I couldn't hold it and I confronted on about it via text (stupid, I know). Things got pretty heated, I accused her of cheating, she totally denied it and said we were on a break (which was a red flag), she became extremely defensive and was shocked I had read her messages which I know was wrong but honestly, I knew something was wrong the moment we were in NY and I just couldn't help it.

 

 

What do I do? This is my first serious relationship and we've been living together for a while. I pay the rent, buy the groceries, bought all the nice furniture, and pretty much did whatever I could to make her happy but it just wasn't enough for her to feel like she was safe in our future.

 

 

Now she's coming back in 2 days and I just need some advice on how to handle this situation. I still love her very much but I'm just as confused too.

 

Thank you for reading this and sorry for the rambling, its still pretty fresh (happened today)!

[ariaabeli]

Sounds to me like she is already emotionally invested in someone else. Once the conversation gets shorter with you it gets longer with someone else. Once she gets back I would have an honest talk with her about your future if you still see one with her. Though it sounds like she's ready to walk. Just be honest with her.

[Ferret]

Some girls just dont want to be a "option" for ever it looks like you missed the boat on this relationship and now its sailing in a different direction. She wanted to be your wife you staled im sorry but 5 years is long enough to get engaged if you were serious enough about her.

 

And no amount of grocery's or nice furniture is a replacement for a marriage if that's what the person truly wanted and you knew this all along. Her going behind your back wasn't right but you started this ball rolling by your lack of action. There really isn't much you can do now but cut your losses and let her go lesson learned for future relationships I guess..

[CarrieT]

I would print out the texts you have found, pack up her belongings, and place the print-outs on top with an explanation that she has three days to find a new place to live.

 

To me it is obvious she is cheating and is using you as a doormat and free rent.

[Woon]

I agree, even if she hasnt physically cheated on you (incredibly sorry, but i doubt that) she has cheated on you emotionally. Preffering to talk to someone else rather than the man shes been with for 5 years.

 

It sickens me that people can do that to one another.

[Meowmin]

Hi I had a similar experience with my ex boy friend.

We have lived together for 5 years. I have waited for him to propose me for many years. After that, pretty much the same as your experience.

 

I gave him a silent treatment, brought up to break up, asked him to move out.

But I did all these things because I was heartbroken. I gave him a hard time because I loved him so much and wanted to marry him.

 

Are you sure that she cheated? It could have been just a casual thing. I can understand why she had to do that. She had to balance out between her pain and sanity. Attentions from someone else might have kept her sanity so that she does not lose her confidence. It sounds silly. But she has waited for so long because she loved you. I think she wouldn't have done this if she was completely happen in a relationship with you.

 

If you really love her and wants to keep her, tell her so when she is back. If you are not ready for a marriage, communicate with her. and do whatever you can to make her understand why you are not ready yet, but you will. Tell her that you don't want to lose her.

 

That was what I wanted my ex to do for me.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Meowmin

[Poutrew]

You made your big mistake when you told her you read those messages. By the time she wrote them it was already over with you. Telling her made absolutely NO difference, and just gave her ammunition to throw back in your face. You lost the high road, where you could control the breakup. Now, the only option is for either you or her to move out. This 'being on a break' thing is gonna backfire in your face otherwise because it means she is out having sex with the OM and you get the sloppy seconds. The most important thing you can do right now is to be strong as you get rid of her. C'est la vie, baby...then find yourself a girlfriend who will be 100% into you before you marry her cause this isn't the one...

Edited March 27, 2016 by Poutrew

[Empire87]

Turn the situation around and sarcastically give her the "yea good luck with that" statement in regards to her work trip and new guy.

 

She's telling you that she can't stay in a relationship because she's been waiting for you to propose.

 

If she's eager to get a ring and get married then laugh at her when she thinks she'll be able to speed through a relationship with this new guy and have a stable future.

[ty10]

I think the key thing here is what the messages said? Could they perceived as just being innocent or was there more intent behind them?

 

If it's the latter then you should end things - somebody who cares about a relationship and the other person in a relationship doesn't text another person of there are problems, they speak to the other person about the issues and tries to work on them.

 

She may be 4 years older but she sounds immature.

[elaine567]

Happens every day on this forum, women in relationships 3-4+ years long who leave, or break up with or cheat on men who delay and dilly dally over showing commitment in the form of a desire to get married.

Ignore at your peril, women need to see some progress, some end goal in a relationship, if not forth-coming, they will want to and many will seek pastures new.

 

Here, she just got fed up waiting, (5 years is a long, long time), she had another offer, and has probably taken it.

[LostOnes05]

Oh, she said you guys are supposed to be on break??! Ok, well, when she comes back I'd reiterate this and tell her to pack her things...and if I might suggest a musical selection for her return, I'd say Ray Charles "Hit the road jack". Best of luck buddy, it won't be easy but that's a stressor you don't need.

[lauri]

Sadly, it's over.

 

The three likely scenarios are as follows:

 

1) You end it - You leave with self respect.

2) She ends it - You stay and she ends it once she comes back because she has already checked out. This means she respects you enough to do this.

3) You two stay together - she will continue to cheat on you and keep you around for free rent. Once she gets commitment from a new guy, she will leave you and you'll be left licking your wounds. In short, she is doing this because she doesn't respect you and is keeping you as an option.

 

All you can unfortunately do is end it. I'm sorry it has come to this and I understand how hard it will be. I just think it's the only way you can walk away with self respect.

[Itspointless]

Some girls just dont want to be a "option" for ever it looks like you missed the boat on this relationship and now its sailing in a different direction. She wanted to be your wife you staled im sorry but 5 years is long enough to get engaged if you were serious enough about her.

 

And no amount of grocery's or nice furniture is a replacement for a marriage if that's what the person truly wanted and you knew this all along. Her going behind your back wasn't right but you started this ball rolling by your lack of action. There really isn't much you can do now but cut your losses and let her go lesson learned for future relationships I guess..

If she wanted it that bad she could have proposed him. I think we call that emancipation.

[Itspointless]

I gave him a silent treatment, brought up to break up, asked him to move out.

But I did all these things because I was heartbroken. I gave him a hard time because I loved him so much and wanted to marry him.

Thank you for sharing. I was just wondering, have you also communicated this to that ex-boyfriend during the relationship?

[Ferret]

If she wanted it that bad she could have proposed him. I think we call that emancipation.

 

Logic would say if he hasn't asked her in 5 years hes prob not going to say yes now is he if she asked? its a dead relationship the OP killed it prob on year 4 of ignoring what his FG wanted and pretending she wouldn't mind I guess she did go figure sure she shouldn't have gotten emotionally involved with another guy but it happens..

[elaine567]

I think it is over too, as the OP in light of recent events is unlikely to propose now or any time soon, so even if she does return, her patience will soon wear thin again.

Can the OP even trust her going forward?

If he does propose now she may not be entirely happy as it will then look like a forced proposal just to get her back onside and that will not go down well.

 

She sounds checked out, so maybe it is already too late.

The writing is on the wall IMO...

[Omei]

I would print out the texts you have found, pack up her belongings, and place the print-outs on top with an explanation that she has three days to find a new place to live.

 

To me it is obvious she is cheating and is using you as a doormat and free rent.

 

If she's on the lease it's not legal to do this and will worsen your situation even if you're paying fully on your own she could take legal action against you if she's on the lease and you do that...

 

Just bringing that to your attention in case you signed together on your living situation.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Omei

[Itspointless]

When I met up with her in New York, she was very cold and distant which was weird because we were perfect before she left.

CarryT is right. Once you have been there with someone, it becomes clear that it is a pattern many women come up with. If she isn't happy with your speed than that's her problem: emotionally healthy partners communicate, it is never a freeway to become cold and ignore another.

 

Break up with her, you do not deserve such passive-aggressive behavior of a spoiled girl who thinks she is entitled to everything.

[Meowmin]

Thank you for sharing. I was just wondering, have you also communicated this to that ex-boyfriend during the relationship?

 

yes, that was something we talked when we started dating. I told him that I would like to get marry. He said that he was not ready at the moment because he had a bad divorce 2 years ago, but he would be ready after some time passed.

But it did not happen.....

 

Actually he was even lying. He was just separated when we moved in together.

was not a proper divorce....

 

This must be a good thing that I did not marry a lier........

[Itspointless]

yes, that was something we talked when we started dating. I told him that I would like to get marry. He said that he was not ready at the moment because he had a bad divorce 2 years ago, but he would be ready after some time passed.

But it did not happen.....

 

Actually he was even lying. He was just separated when we moved in together.

was not a proper divorce....

 

This must be a good thing that I did not marry a lier........

Hi Meowmin, I than understand the frustration you had. It is unfortunate that it had to go like that for you, but it probably spared you an awful marriage.

[julienala]

Hey guys, OP here.

 

To answer some of your questions, I'm not 100% sure she was cheating but after I confronted her about it, her response made her seem even more guilty. For context, her conversation with the other man was in Chinese and I had to use Google translator to understand what they were saying. However, though the english was broken, it all seemed very intimate and personal. Also, her family is fairly wealthy so pretty doubtful she's just here using me for free rent, but if anything its definitely more convenient to stay rather than move out her things, etc.. Besides, we are only in this city now because of me and my job, she's unemployed and is a 30 year old artist who is somewhat successful but financially not independent for sure.

 

She just got back yesterday and we have yet to talk about any of this, really just keeping our distance from each other. I came home early and made her a nice dinner which is somewhat rare these days because how busy I am at work, but just wanted to pretend at least for one last day that we were still.. I couldn't muster up the 'talk' or anything last night but I know I need to do it today no matter what.

 

I'm planning on staying at a friend/co-workers house for a few days afterwards as I'm pretty sure its over as well from all the comments and my gut feeling.

 

 

Thanks so much everyone for the feedback.

 

Will update soon.

[central]

If she wasn't having sex with this guy before, she did as soon as she was on "a break." It's a rationalization that you aren't together, so anything goes - and she's going to him for sex.

 

 

Kick her out, go no contact, and move on with your life. As many say, there is no excuse for cheating. If she had issues with you, she could have discussed them with you rather than jumping into another man's bed. Learn from this experience, and move on. Yes, perhaps you could have committed sooner and not doing so may have made it easier for her to stray, but that does not excuse her cheating. She may have done so even if you'd married her - now, you'll never know.

[lauri]

Dude, no offence but you made her a nice dinner? it's almost like you're rewarding her for bad behaviour.

 

You're just wasting your time at this point. You know what you have to do.

 

Also, if it is your place, you should kick her out. I'd start to park her bags for her right now if I was you. You shouldn't have to sleep somewhere else when she's the one that is cheating.

[julienala]

OP Here-

 

So she has finally moved out about 2 weeks ago.

 

Things I've learned:

 

1. She was not cheating on me. Google translate actually isn't the best tool and I might've jumped to conclusions too soon.

 

2. But she also couldn't see a future with me either. Perhaps I had waited too long to propose and one day she just turned off that switch inside of her. I've come to realize some girls just have that trait. Her trip to china/europe for those 3 weeks pretty much sealed our fate. Though I wish she would've communicated with me more openly on the matter before she made such a huge decision.

 

3. I've realized I'm doing alot better than I thought. The first week and a half was the toughest but now I actually feel free and excited to start this new life of mine. I've got my dream job. I've got talent. I've single, tall and good looking and ready to see what's next.

 

4. That being said, if course I'm also sad at times, she moved to an Airbnb near by for the time being and I see her once in a while to have lunch/dinner which does tug at the heartstrings in those specific moments. It may sound odd but we're actually getting along quite okay. I feel like we're friends that still love each other very much but we both know that in the end, we need to be apart in order to grow. Who knows, maybe we're find each other one day, maybe not and that's okay.

 

5. Maybe I'm actually not ready for marriage afterall. Though I would've married her but know now it wasn't like I was actively seeking marriage.. my mother divorced twice and that got in my head a bit because I've never been in a rush to get married. But for her, I would. Now that it's over, I feel good about my freedom.

 

 

Lauri, I made the dinner almost like our last goodbye together. We've been through so much together, we've travelled the world together and went through college together so I needed to do something special to bookend this relationship, cheating or not. Not rewarding her but just wanted to have one more memorable night, even if it may be the last.