How long will it take to move on?

[Steven1]

Perfect person for you. Then you find them, and lose them.

Just remember, rather than mourn that, accept that it's the natural course of things. That way you'll appreciate it more and be glad it took place, rather than mourn its loss when it finishes (how or whatever way it finishes.)

 

Sadly It's one of those emotions. Obviously you know your relationship will end upon death, but you also know that you won't be around either, there for you won't worry about the feeling of loss.

 

But nobody goes into a relationship thinking that, I'll take it for what it is and worry about it in the next life, not knowing when death will come you may not make the most of any relationship.

 

 

Natural reaction to mourn though... if you didn't have form of letting any bit of grief out, you would never move on, and I have yet to meet one person who has been in any form of relationship who has been happy with what they had but equally happy that was it was over because they just looked back on the fond memories.

 

Relationships that bring you happiness are like a drug, when it's gone, it's something you need and you would do anything to get that back, but I couldn't go into any relationship with the mindset of (this will end one day anyway, even if it lasts until I die) I couldn't make the most of any relationship thinking like that, as it be more to me that I wouldn't be bothered either way because one day it will be over.

 

 

What high standards? And what guarantees does having high standards actually bring?

The higher you are, the harder you fall...

 

 

You should always have high standards for yourself or what you believe to be high standards. I've always believed that you should look to better yourself at any opportunity, whether that be relationships or even just getting fitter at the gym. As you said, you would do yourself a disservice if you 'settled', if you didn't have high standards, you would be settling. You should always go above what you would class as settled.

[TaraMaiden2]

Sadly It's one of those emotions. Obviously you know your relationship will end upon death, but you also know that you won't be around either, there for you won't worry about the feeling of loss.

 

But nobody goes into a relationship thinking that, I'll take it for what it is and worry about it in the next life, not knowing when death will come you may not make the most of any relationship.

 

 

Natural reaction to mourn though... if you didn't have form of letting any bit of grief out, you would never move on, and I have yet to meet one person who has been in any form of relationship who has been happy with what they had but equally happy that was it was over because they just looked back on the fond memories.

 

Relationships that bring you happiness are like a drug, when it's gone, it's something you need and you would do anything to get that back, but I couldn't go into any relationship with the mindset of (this will end one day anyway, even if it lasts until I die) I couldn't make the most of any relationship thinking like that, as it be more to me that I wouldn't be bothered either way because one day it will be over.

Mourning is both necessary and healthy.

Prolonging the agony morbidly, by perpetuating the feeling of grief - isn't.

 

 

What high standards? And what guarantees does having high standards actually bring?

The higher you are, the harder you fall...

 

 

You should always have high standards for yourself or what you believe to be high standards. I've always believed that you should look to better yourself at any opportunity, whether that be relationships or even just getting fitter at the gym. As you said, you would do yourself a disservice if you 'settled', if you didn't have high standards, you would be settling. You should always go above what you would class as settled.

 

I'm certain we should have high standards, but I'm less certain we should feel failed by our ex, if they mis-read, or misunderstand those standards.

We have every right to have standards.

Expecting others to always meet them, is unreasonable.

[Steven1]

I'm certain we should have high standards, but I'm less certain we should feel failed by our ex, if they mis-read, or misunderstand those standards.

We have every right to have standards.

Expecting others to always meet them, is unreasonable.

 

I like that one. I think that's more of a tougher one to answer but can depend on the relationship you had. I think if you are together for certainly a few years at the least or longer, then you are doing something right in the relationship, but often I don't think it comes across as being failed by the ex, if anything I think the feeling of failure comes onto yourself. In my case my example would be that , we had been together 7 years and within a year were looking to move in with one another, sadly unforeseen things came inbetween that which is probably true that could happen to any relationship.

 

I think once in a relationship thought, I wouldn't say the standards change, I think they become 'adaptable' certainly in my experience my girlfriend changed me into a much,much better person than I was, which made me realize I should set higher standards for myself in general (not relationship wise, just every day things).

[Itspointless]

Sadly It's one of those emotions. Obviously you know your relationship will end upon death, but you also know that you won't be around either, there for you won't worry about the feeling of loss.

 

But nobody goes into a relationship thinking that, I'll take it for what it is and worry about it in the next life, not knowing when death will come you may not make the most of any relationship.

I did the bolded part, even though I wanted a lot more. That perhaps is because death has been a prominent face in my childhood, just waiting outside.

 

Letting things and people go, there is where I have still work to do. Others cannot fix that for me, I have to do that myself.

[BC1980]

Sadly It's one of those emotions. Obviously you know your relationship will end upon death, but you also know that you won't be around either, there for you won't worry about the feeling of loss.

 

But what if your partner dies first? There will always be someone left behind and alone after a death.

[Sunberry]

So, I recently posted about my case in LDR section. My ex gf of 1 1/2 years, (the 6 last months being LDR) broke up with me around 2 weeks ago. I think the only reason she told me she wanted to break up was bc I asked her why she had turned very distant those last days. I agreed with the break up broken hearted.

 

Since then I felt an immense pain and urged to move on. I occupied myself with dancing classes, joined a competitive off-road racing team at university, resumed going frequently to gym and started socializing more.

 

I've been in NC ever since, unfriended her on everything despite she wanting to remain as friends. Sometimes I get weak and think alot about her, that's when I usually go check her FB and happen to see pictures of her partying and such. It sucks =/.

 

Her father likes me a lot and still text me sometimes. He only heard about the break up because he asked me how things were going. (Why wouldn't her Daughter tell him this?).

 

Some questions I have about this:

1: How long does it usually take to forget her completely?

2: Provided our break up had no stress at all for us I'm curious to know if it's possible she'll want to reach me out at some point.

3: Should I keep in contact with her father? He's a nice person but everytime I talk to him I think of her.

 

Thanks for your support guys!

 

1. That depends on the person and the degree of the breakup. It takes my sister about 1-2 days to mourn over the lost of a relationship. After that she's over it. It tales me a few months to a few years to get over a relationship depending on how close I was to the person. So, I don't think anyone can give you an exact time frame.

 

2. She may or she may not. When I did NC for a couple days I got something back. But other stuff happened to where he just stopped caring.

 

3. I honestly wouldn't. The end of the relationship with her is the end of the relationship with her family as well unless she wants to maintain a friendship then fine.

[faithfully]

I agree with EVERYTHING Tara has said!!!! Spot on and I believe in what she has said.

 

In this life there will be an end to everything and for the record I don't believe in the one.

 

I personally don't think there is such a thing as the "one"

[BC1980]

I agree with EVERYTHING Tara has said!!!! Spot on and I believe in what she has said.

 

In this life there will be an end to everything and for the record I don't believe in the one.

 

I personally don't think there is such a thing as the "one"

 

I think believing in the one makes us feel different and special. And we all want to feel that way don't we? We like to pretend there is absolute security in love and there are no conditions to love. The truth is quite the opposite. There is no absolute security with anything, and we all have our own conditions for love.

[Steven1]

It's different with everyone to be honest, isn't it? some people can start dating in high school, and be together for the rest of their lives. I think some just know that it's right, while sadly sometimes in a relationship one person knows it's right for them, the other feels differently.

 

Can I ask all of you as a general question to those who went to Uni and to those who may have seen and answered many questions like this,

 

When in a relationship when one half is at University and the other person isn't, does that person at University often start to feel different about the relationship when they are surrounded by as many new people as they are etc?

[Itspointless]

When in a relationship when one half is at University and the other person isn't, does that person at University often start to feel different about the relationship when they are surrounded by as many new people as they are etc?

There isn't one answer to this question. You have to take account of at least: age (and maturity), transitions, frame of mind and possibilities to connect with a partner, the quality of the relationship, etc. Distance and another life-world are often obstacles within relationships.

[Steven1]

I know, but if you were to look at it in a general term of say the age of 18-21 when people are at Uni, and just the whole new experience of it, of being surrounded by men/women, night clubs, events all the time etc.

[TaraMaiden2]

....When in a relationship when one half is at University and the other person isn't, does that person at University often start to feel different about the relationship when they are surrounded by as many new people as they are etc?

 

There isn't one answer to this question. You have to take account of at least: age (and maturity), transitions, frame of mind and possibilities to connect with a partner, the quality of the relationship, etc. Distance and another life-world are often obstacles within relationships.

 

I would venture to suggest though that in a very large number of cases, it is the woman who begins to feel differently, particularly if the couple are of similar or same ages.

 

It's a well-known - and well-worn - fact that in some areas of maturing, women are streets ahead of the guys, and become more 'adult' in their thinking, than guys do. This is why you'll find most "jackass" people are guys. Because they're not 'fully-cooked' yet and don't mature until they hit their mid-20's.

Girls have a tendency to mature earlier, in certain emotional circumstances. (There are areas of the brain that mature faster, and even differently, in men's brains, I should add. Mainly logistical, mathematical areas, I believe.)

 

So it's not so much that they start to 'feel differently'; It's more that they begin to out-grow it.

 

Those relationships where "we met in high school and are still together 150 years later" are relatively rare. And all the more charming and special for that.

 

Of course it happens.

But don't sit there beating yourself - or the relationship - up, because yours wasn't one of them.

[BC1980]

It's different with everyone to be honest, isn't it? some people can start dating in high school, and be together for the rest of their lives. I think some just know that it's right, while sadly sometimes in a relationship one person knows it's right for them, the other feels differently.

 

I think what is interesting about this is that there are so many random variables to take into account. Why is it that some relationships last and some don't? Is it something magical we can't explain? True love? Or is the answer more boring. Maybe the answer is that everything just randomly aligned to make it work, and it wasn't so much any work on the part of the couple. Maybe no other options presented themselves.

 

If you fall out of love or don't feel as strongly about a person, can you really control that? I don't know that we can in most instances. It seems like luck in lot of situations, and, sometimes, people just outgrow each other.

[BC1980]

I know, but if you were to look at it in a general term of say the age of 18-21 when people are at Uni, and just the whole new experience of it, of being surrounded by men/women, night clubs, events all the time etc.

 

All of our life experiences change us, and, sometimes, those experiences do change our romantic relationships. Speaking to something more serious, something like a chronic illness or the death of a child can change a marriage and cause a divorce. I work in health care, so I see how chronic illness can affect relationships. A lot of spouses check out when someone gets sick. You see a lot of threads around LS about how mental illness broke up a relationship. Same thing with going to college. People change over the course of a life, and, sometimes, the relationship just doesn't change with it. It might not be anyone's fault, but it's just the nature of things.

[Steven1]

I think what is interesting about this is that there are so many random variables to take into account. Why is it that some relationships last and some don't? Is it something magical we can't explain? True love? Or is the answer more boring. Maybe the answer is that everything just randomly aligned to make it work, and it wasn't so much any work on the part of the couple. Maybe no other options presented themselves.

 

If you fall out of love or don't feel as strongly about a person, can you really control that? I don't know that we can in most instances. It seems like luck in lot of situations, and, sometimes, people just outgrow each other.

 

 

I've never really understood it myself. Obviously there are as you say many,many variables in it. But I often believe that if you know you have a good relationship, and the other person knows you have a good relationship, there shouldn't be many outside factors that change that. If it's good it's good and you work to keep that way or build on it. If It's bad then you know it's not for either of you.

 

Emotions can be very uncontrollable , but I think it comes down to the person too. If you are willing to work on something that worked for many years, then there isn't any reason why it couldn't work.

[kztar]

[quote=

I think if more people realised that EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP they entered into, will one day end, they'd be more inclined to appreciate how precious it is.

Then they'd live in the moment, and take it as an instant of gratifying pleasure, rather than then look back on it with a heavy heart, regret, and an 'if only' mentality....

 

No way. If it's going to end I rather not even get into anything. I still believe in forever, so going into a relationship with the expectations that it will end, I rather skip on anything like that even if it makes me happy for a while.

[TaraMaiden2]

No way. If it's going to end I rather not even get into anything. I still believe in forever, so going into a relationship with the expectations that it will end, I rather skip on anything like that even if it makes me happy for a while.

 

I don't think you understand.... that's utterly unrealistic and somewhat delusional, in the sense that you are chasing an impossibility.

Have you read my posts...?

[TaraMaiden2]

I've never really understood it myself. Obviously there are as you say many,many variables in it. But I often believe that if you know you have a good relationship, and the other person knows you have a good relationship, there shouldn't be many outside factors that change that. If it's good it's good and you work to keep that way or build on it. If It's bad then you know it's not for either of you.

 

Emotions can be very uncontrollable , but I think it comes down to the person too. If you are willing to work on something that worked for many years, then there isn't any reason why it couldn't work.

 

You need the right tools, the right attitude, the right Effort, the right commitment and the right devotion.

 

If both people have these, then there is little that can drive them apart.

[Steven1]

You need the right tools, the right attitude, the right Effort, the right commitment and the right devotion.

 

If both people have these, then there is little that can drive them apart.

 

 

Agree. As I said if something works and has been working for a long time, there are very few factors outside of that that should stop it from working.

[BC1980]

Agree. As I said if something works and has been working for a long time, there are very few factors outside of that that should stop it from working.

 

I think there are a lot of outside factors that can influence and eventually break up a relationship, The problem is that emotions can change over time and with circumstances. I will never forget a patient I had that was in an accident and rendered a quadriplegic. She had to live in an nursing home, and her husband had to live at home and take care of the children. So they lived separate lives due to her accident. Another example. A friend in high school had a mother who was a paranoid schizophrenic, and her dad divorced her and remarried due to this. Things can change a lot due to circumstances over which we have no control.

 

We say "for better or for worse and in sickness and in health" because we have no idea what that will look like in the future. We have no idea what we will feel like or how our emotions will change when we experience "for worse or in sickness." You might still love a person in some way, but it becomes impossible to have a relationship with the person. I'm not trying to be a downer, but I'm being realistic based on my experiences. I don't want to believe what I'm saying anymore than you do, but I've had to come to accept it.

[Steven1]

I think there are a lot of outside factors that can influence and eventually break up a relationship, The problem is that emotions can change over time and with circumstances. I will never forget a patient I had that was in an accident and rendered a quadriplegic. She had to live in an nursing home, and her husband had to live at home and take care of the children. So they lived separate lives due to her accident. Another example. A friend in high school had a mother who was a paranoid schizophrenic, and her dad divorced her and remarried due to this. Things can change a lot due to circumstances over which we have no control.

 

We say "for better or for worse and in sickness and in health" because we have no idea what that will look like in the future. We have no idea what we will feel like or how our emotions will change when we experience "for worse or in sickness." You might still love a person in some way, but it becomes impossible to have a relationship with the person. I'm not trying to be a downer, but I'm being realistic based on my experiences. I don't want to believe what I'm saying anymore than you do, but I've had to come to accept it.

 

 

Agree, but as I said I suppose it depends on what the situation is and what the circumstances are around it. If you are with someone for x amount of time, and even if you break up, there is still every possibility that it will work again in the future. Some people break up, get with someone else, then 1/2/3 years down the line they are back with the original person after both realizing it was a mistake to give up. I suppose some people/couples come back around full circle to the point where they really do go through everything from starting to ending and then back to starting, and some don't.

 

Really just depends what happens in the relationship, what happens around it and after it.

[len51]

First off, 80% of long distance relationships fail. My first fiancee left me 6 months after I went off to war. I have never seen a LDR work or work for long and I am 65. I found the best way to get over a girl is to get under another one. The first time I went to Sydney, Australia and met a girl who I stayed with for a month and had lots of stoned sex. Other than calling out my fiancee's name once, it went well and when I got home I was all over my ex fiancee.

 

Second time my girlfriend of two years walked into my living room and asked my three best friends to gang bang her. She was kicked out the next day but had the nerve to ask me to impregnate he due to my good genetic traits. Once again I met another girl, my wife and in 3 weeks we were engaged and well over my last girlfriend.

 

I am married for over 40 years now. I never let myself dwell on lost love. I am what I am due to every single one of my past experiences, good or bad. Lost jobs turned out to lead to better and higher paying jobs. My first fiancee went on to cheat on her husband and then when same sex marriage was legal, married the women she was cheating on her husband with. The second girlfriend became a crack user and then when kicked crack, went on to be a stripper/prostitute who eventually married a customer who was rich and 22 years older than her.

 

If it were not for losing those two women I would not have met my wonderful wife. My life would not be as great as it is. The first fiancee ended up being bipolar and not into capitalism. She believes that angels talk to her and allow her to tell you your fortune over the phone. They also told her to legally change her name to her spirit animal, which she did. The second one was, a drug addict as is her daughter. She is the product of a very strict religious upbringing.

 

Instead of marrying one of those two damaged women, which at the time seemed to be my soulmates, I married my wife. She lives to please me. We fell in love at first sight and still love each other like we did when we first met. My wife, my great and lucrative job that allows me to work only 3 days a week from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection, would not be possible had I not lost those first two lovers. They would not have been willing to relocate 13 times and decorate and care for 9 homes, one after the other. They would not have put up with me being away from home for 4 months out of the year for business during the early part of my career. The would not have put up with my PTSD that forced me to sleep in a different bedroom tha my wife because I used to attack her at night or if she touched me while I was sleeping. She probably would not have put up with my ADHD and the depression I suffered from since 1971. My wife did and she made my life wonderful. The best thing, and I mean very best thing, that every happened to me was losing my ex fiancee. At the time it was devastating but looking back, it was priceless.

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Itspointless]

No way. If it's going to end I rather not even get into anything. I still believe in forever, so going into a relationship with the expectations that it will end, I rather skip on anything like that even if it makes me happy for a while.

I Understand what BC1980 means, I have lived with what illness does with a family when I was an adolescent. It learned me that everything in this world is finite and in constant motion (change). That does not mean that it will end while you are walking besides it, chances are there though. Planning is what we humans want, life just is unpredictable. We better get used to it, as it makes life much more bearable. You can choose to live in a cave or stick your head in the sand, the world does not care (we do).

Agree, but as I said I suppose it depends on what the situation is and what the circumstances are around it. If you are with someone for x amount of time, and even if you break up, there is still every possibility that it will work again in the future. Some people break up, get with someone else, then 1/2/3 years down the line they are back with the original person after both realizing it was a mistake to give up. I suppose some people/couples come back around full circle to the point where they really do go through everything from starting to ending and then back to starting, and some don't.

 

Really just depends what happens in the relationship, what happens around it and after it.

Steven, sometimes we just have to accept that things are what they are. I know a man in his sixties who found a girlfriend back after 30 years. She had been his biggest love. It lasted a few months and it went wrong with her for the exact same reasons. She had not changed a bit, and apparently he had not either, as their dynamic drove them apart again. Don't fight windmills. Sometimes life is exactly as it appears.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Itspointless

[Steven1]

I Understand what BC1980 means, I have lived with what illness does with a family when I was an adolescent. It learned me that everything in this world is finite and in constant motion (change). That does not mean that it will end while you are walking besides it, chances are there though. Planning is what we humans want, life just is unpredictable. We better get used to it, as it makes life much more bearable. You can choose to live in a cave or stick your head in the sand, the world does not care (we do).

 

Steven, sometimes we just have to accept that things are what they are. I know a man in his sixties who found a girlfriend back after 30 years. She had been his biggest love. It lasted a few months and it went wrong with her for the exact same reasons. She had not changed a bit, and apparently he had not either, as their dynamic drove them apart again. Don't fight windmills. Sometimes life is exactly as it appears.

 

 

I think it all depends what went wrong originally in the relationship to begin with. I think if it ends on pretty clean terms then as I said I always believe there is a second chance. Sometimes you have to step away from something in order to love it again, and I believe that.

 

Sometimes you can have a relationship that might just hit the wall in terms of getting 'comfortable' etc, and then after time apart you might both think, why did we ever do that? why didn't we do this? etc.

[Itspointless]

I think it all depends what went wrong originally in the relationship to begin with. I think if it ends on pretty clean terms then as I said I always believe there is a second chance. Sometimes you have to step away from something in order to love it again, and I believe that.

 

Sometimes you can have a relationship that might just hit the wall in terms of getting 'comfortable' etc, and then after time apart you might both think, why did we ever do that? why didn't we do this? etc.

You seem to want to logically grab processes that have almost nothing to do with logic. Both people can want things, but it just is not that simple. Our behavior is most of the time not dictated by what we think or want. Perhaps you get a second chance, perhaps. Even then it might be very different than what you hope for.