How to overcome a hypersensitivity to criticism?

[Philosopher]

Pretty much since as long as I can remember, I have never been great at dealing with criticism, both big and small. I am usually OK with criticism if I am expecting it, such as when someone is reviewing some work I have done. When it comes to criticism that I am not expecting, it is although a different matter. Typically I will feel grumpy, bad and less confident about myself. As a result I will end up in a bad mood that can last a few hours. Even fairly minor criticism, such as someone saying my shoelaces are untied can put in a grumpy mood for an hour or so. Overall I tend to deal with criticism much worse from people I don’t know or don’t know well compared with those I know well.

 

The standard advice seems to be to accept the criticism, but not to take it personally, however frequently I am completely unable not to take the criticism personally.

 

Therefore in the past of have tried dealing with painful criticism in two ways, neither of which have worked well. The first approach I have tried is going ahead with what the critic says and not challenging it, but internally in my mind dismissing the criticism as in some way invalid. For example assuming the person is generally critical in nature or that they are doing it to boost their own ego. The problem with this is that it is quite arrogant to internally dismiss criticism, even if you outwardly accept it. While I never am going to know the exact reason why the person dished out the criticism, in many cases I did do something wrong and so the criticism was valid. In general all this approach does is make me feel annoyed with person whom has made the criticism, but does little to ease the actual pain of the criticism.

 

The other approach I have tried is to avoid doing or not doing things that cause to me criticised. The problem with this approach is that how ever hard I try to avoid being criticised, there are still times when I unintentionally do something wrong that results in me be criticised. Firstly I have found however much I try and avoid mistakes, from time to time, I will still make mistakes. Secondly sometimes I will be unaware that I am annoying someone and thirdly there are occasions in which others have an issue with what I have done, but I did not consider it to be a problem. Therefore trying to avoid criticism does not really work.

 

Therefore I believe that I am pretty hypersensitive to criticism, but neither of the above approaches I have used to deal with criticism work that well. Therefore does anyone have any tips to deal with criticism more effectively?

[TaraMaiden2]

....

The standard advice seems to be to accept the criticism, but not to take it personally, however frequently I am completely unable not to take the criticism personally.

And therein lies the problem, obviously....

 

Therefore in the past of have tried dealing with painful criticism in two ways, neither of which have worked well. The first approach I have tried is going ahead with what the critic says and not challenging it, but internally in my mind dismissing the criticism as in some way invalid. For example assuming the person is generally critical in nature or that they are doing it to boost their own ego. The problem with this is that it is quite arrogant to internally dismiss criticism, even if you outwardly accept it. While I never am going to know the exact reason why the person dished out the criticism, in many cases I did do something wrong and so the criticism was valid. In general all this approach does is make me feel annoyed with person whom has made the criticism, but does little to ease the actual pain of the criticism.

This is not their problem, it's yours.

That is to say, they're not at fault. You resist the changes the criticism might prompt you to make, because of your resentment, even though - as you put it - the criticism was valid. So it's not so much the criticism you can't take well. It's the fact that they might be right, and you resent that.

 

The other approach I have tried is to avoid doing or not doing things that cause to me criticised. The problem with this approach is that how ever hard I try to avoid being criticised, there are still times when I unintentionally do something wrong that results in me be criticised.

If you do things wrong, then it's no surprise you'll be criticised.

You need to be able to transform criticism form being negative (in your mind) to constructive. Simply because people offer criticism, it doesn't mean they're finding fault. They might be trying to help and guide you.

It's likely your perception is skewed.

Firstly I have found however much I try and avoid mistakes, from time to time, I will still make mistakes. Secondly sometimes I will be unaware that I am annoying someone

There's a difference between criticism and annoying someone.

 

and thirdly there are occasions in which others have an issue with what I have done, but I did not consider it to be a problem. Therefore trying to avoid criticism does not really work.

Have you tried clarifying why they found it appropriate to criticise?

 

Therefore I believe that I am pretty hypersensitive to criticism,

No, you're resistant, not hypersensitive.

 

but neither of the above approaches I have used to deal with criticism work that well.

Because neither approach is productive or self-assisting.

 

Therefore does anyone have any tips to deal with criticism more effectively?

First of all, examine the truth of the criticism.

Does the person have a point? Is this something you could learn from, and adapt to your advantage?

 

Secondly, clarify with the person why they're commenting, and what they feel would be a better approach?

 

Thirdly, if the criticism is unwarranted or inappropriate, thank the person for their input, advise them you'll consider the option, but so far, things are working ok. If things start NOT working, you may well change tack.

 

It's also difficult to know exactly how much better to advise you, if we don't know the different circumstances under which this happens to you....

[carhill]

'Pretty much as long as I can remember'

 

Have you ever identified your trigger?

 

I did. It was violence during peer integration. I wasn't adequately trained to combat violence, rather was used to the constructive and respectful criticism in the family environment. The physical violence created emotional memories which can be triggered by certain words and actions.

 

Heh, I was reminded of the lady who ran a stop sign and totaled my truck. A kid came up and stated he saw her on her cell phone when she hit me. She and the kid started arguing and I was sitting there thinking how lucky she was that she had anti-lock brakes and airbags that she could be there, a 60-something person, mouthing off after totaling my truck. In another era, she'd be dead or unconscious and severely injured. In some ways, I think people these days feel so safe that they can be as critical, mean and condescending as they choose. They've got airbags. My mind was formed in the day when you ran your mouth and ended up unconscious in the dirt. Different times!

[Philosopher]

This is not their problem, it's yours.

That is to say, they're not at fault. You resist the changes the criticism might prompt you to make, because of your resentment, even though - as you put it - the criticism was valid. So it's not so much the criticism you can't take well. It's the fact that they might be right, and you resent that.

 

I am fully aware this is a bad approach overall in dealing with criticism. Therefore I do now try to assess the criticism to see whether I was doing anything wrong and what I learn from it. So I do not resist criticism. However I do find it very hard to take criticism well, particularly when I know I have done something because I feel bad that I have done something wrong.

 

If you do things wrong, then it's no surprise you'll be criticised.

You need to be able to transform criticism form being negative (in your mind) to constructive. Simply because people offer criticism, it doesn't mean they're finding fault. They might be trying to help and guide you.

It's likely your perception is skewed.

 

Unfortunately, it is impossible for me not to do something wrong occasionally, after all I am only human. I do try to view criticism as constructive. However even when I try to view the criticism as wholly constructive and that they are trying to help me, I still am usually unable not to take the criticism personally and hence end up feeling bad and sometimes ashamed about my self. So yes it is likely that my perception is skewed.

 

 

 

There's a difference between criticism and annoying someone.

 

By this I meant if I unintentionally annoy someone, then I may end being criticised for annoying them.

 

Because neither approach is productive or self-assisting.

 

Agreed, hence my question on whether there is a better way to deal with criticism.

 

 

First of all, examine the truth of the criticism.

Does the person have a point? Is this something you could learn from, and adapt to your advantage?

 

Secondly, clarify with the person why they're commenting, and what they feel would be a better approach?

 

Thirdly, if the criticism is unwarranted or inappropriate, thank the person for their input, advise them you'll consider the option, but so far, things are working ok. If things start NOT working, you may well change tack.

 

It's also difficult to know exactly how much better to advise you, if we don't know the different circumstances under which this happens to you....

 

You have some good points here, particularly about clarifying with the person on why they have made their comments.

[Empire87]

I think it would help if you gave some examples of situations that would relate to this. That would allow more specific input to be given on how to handle it and ways to better accept what's been addressed to you.

 

A lot of this has to do with your relationship with the person you feel is criticizing you. For example, if your boss is giving you feedback/criticism on something t you submitted as your duties require, then it would be prudent to understand that it's their job to ensure the final draft/presentation is of the highest quality.

 

If you and your boss don't get along or you feel like they dislike you, then anything they tell you will be taken negatively and the criticism will feel personal.

However if you know that your boss hired you because he sees great potential in you and wants you as part of the company. Then you will be able to accept their criticism better because you understand that they're just trying to get the best out of you and want to help coach you into being the best you possibly can.

 

Usually when people feel like the criticism they're being given is coming from someone who has their overall well being and interest at heart, they can take it positively. It's when someone you don't get along with, or feel isn't at the same level you are, or who doesn't have the knowledge to speak on the matter that you do, that we handle it negatively.

 

So I would suggest looking at your relationships whenever you are getting criticism. If your mom told you that you should shave your beard because you look unprofessional... Would you think she's saying it to be mean? Or because she loves you and just wants you to be viewed as a professional mature person? Should be clear it's the latter.

 

Lastly, curb your ego. Understand that you're not perfect at everything you do. If you start actually looking for criticism that can help. Do something where after you finish you think to yourself "hmm, I want someone else to give this a look at tell me what they think about this part. I'm not sure it comes off the way I want it to"

 

That way you're actually appreciative of the criticism you get

[Philosopher]

I think it would help if you gave some examples of situations that would relate to this. That would allow more specific input to be given on how to handle it and ways to better accept what's been addressed to you.

 

A lot of this has to do with your relationship with the person you feel is criticizing you. For example, if your boss is giving you feedback/criticism on something t you submitted as your duties require, then it would be prudent to understand that it's their job to ensure the final draft/presentation is of the highest quality.

 

If you and your boss don't get along or you feel like they dislike you, then anything they tell you will be taken negatively and the criticism will feel personal.

However if you know that your boss hired you because he sees great potential in you and wants you as part of the company. Then you will be able to accept their criticism better because you understand that they're just trying to get the best out of you and want to help coach you into being the best you possibly can.

 

Usually when people feel like the criticism they're being given is coming from someone who has their overall well being and interest at heart, they can take it positively. It's when someone you don't get along with, or feel isn't at the same level you are, or who doesn't have the knowledge to speak on the matter that you do, that we handle it negatively.

 

So I would suggest looking at your relationships whenever you are getting criticism. If your mom told you that you should shave your beard because you look unprofessional... Would you think she's saying it to be mean? Or because she loves you and just wants you to be viewed as a professional mature person? Should be clear it's the latter.

 

Lastly, curb your ego. Understand that you're not perfect at everything you do. If you start actually looking for criticism that can help. Do something where after you finish you think to yourself "hmm, I want someone else to give this a look at tell me what they think about this part. I'm not sure it comes off the way I want it to"

 

That way you're actually appreciative of the criticism you get

 

In general it is criticism from people I do not know well or at all that I am particularly sensitive to and find annoying. I think this is because it means that the first interaction, or one of the first interactions I had with them was a negative one. I am generally OK with criticism from people I know well and get on well with. Although even with people I know well, if the criticism comes completely out of blue, I can still be affected by it more than I should.

 

You have a very good point about ego. Part of my problem could be that I do have quite a strong perfectionist streak in me, in my mind what I do should be done very well. For this very reason I do not enjoy activities that I know I am not strong at. As criticism in general occurs when I have done something wrong, then it means I have not met the standards I have set for myself on that occasion. Hence this could be a cause of my hypersensitivity to criticism.

[mightycpa]

I think your criticism complaint is pretty whiny, to be truthful. If you're getting that much criticism, there has to be some truth to the feeback you're getting. But rather than search for those kernels and working on them, you're here trying to find ways to make you ignore how you feel. I don't know, it just seems to be the wrong thing for you to be worrying about. If I were you, I'd worry about the substance of the criticism you're getting, and work on that.

 

You mean like that kind of criticism? How much do you actually get? What percentage of the criticism that you get has some element of truth to it?

[Philosopher]

I think your criticism complaint is pretty whiny, to be truthful. If you're getting that much criticism, there has to be some truth to the feeback you're getting. But rather than search for those kernels and working on them, you're here trying to find ways to make you ignore how you feel. I don't know, it just seems to be the wrong thing for you to be worrying about. If I were you, I'd worry about the substance of the criticism you're getting, and work on that.

 

You mean like that kind of criticism? How much do you actually get? What percentage of the criticism that you get has some element of truth to it?

 

The thing is, is that I already tried avoiding doing things that cause me to get criticised. If someone tells me I am doing something wrong, I will in the future try to avoid making that same mistake again. While this probably works to some extent, however hard I try, there are always go to be occasions when I do make mistakes that I was unaware of that cause me to criticised.

 

I have no idea how much criticism I get compared to a typical person. In general, most days I do not get criticised at all.

[Emilia]

Probably not more than average because people complain about different things.

[basil67]

Even fairly minor criticism, such as someone saying my shoelaces are untied can put in a grumpy mood for an hour or so.

 

This might be an unusual bit for me to quote, but perhaps there's perspective to be had.

 

If you don't know that your shoelace is untied and someone tells you, it's not a criticism. It's them being helpful and making sure you don't trip and hurt yourself. I have been known to tell strangers that their trouser zip is open - not criticism - I'm just saving them from walking around for the next three hours like this. Be careful not to perceive criticism where none is intentended.

 

However, if untied shoelaces is your fashion statement it should be obvious to the speaker and they should mind their own business. That being said, I think it's completely normal to feel a bit odd after receiving criticism.

 

I know that if I receive criticism which is justified, I will mostly feel mortified and think about adjusting my behaviour. If it's not justified, then it's absolutely normal to feel peeved for a while. While I'm sure there are some who can simply ignore criticism and not let it touch them, I would imagine they are in the minority. I suspect those same people are also a little narcissistic and probably reject a lot of legitimate criticism

 

It's OK to feel sore after being unfairly criticised. And it's OK to avoid critical people.

[preraph]

Try to remember who was the person who seemed to always be overly critical. You may not even have thought about it like that before, but it may be a parent or sibling or some other. When it's a parent, you often have to just take it, and the resentment builds up, and then rage. Then when someone else does it, you're ready to let them have it! So find out who it was and then do some real thinking about it and either write out your feelings and do one of those "write and burn" letters to whoever it was and really tell them off good (or if the problem persists to this day, tell them to stop and tell them how it's affected you. I had this problem myself. I confronted when I was about 21 and then things improved, but then when she (my mother) got old, she lost her filters again and it was hurtful and hard to take again, but she was old. At least I knew she'd made the effort when I asked her to.

[thecrucible]

What helps me is to accept it being inevitable rather than to avoid it. I had to develop this approach through doing jobs where a lot was expected of me. Even though it was stressful from time to time, I learned just to deal with it and focus hard as otherwise it would affect my productivity. It made things go better in the office when I was able to say "I totally understand boss. I'll get onto it".

 

It also helps to realise that criticism may have absolutely nothing to do with you and reflects more on the other person. I've experienced criticism from people which is unfounded because the person is having a bad day or just doesn't like me or wants to put me down because they are threatened by me for some reason. I've learned to ignore it as it's just how some people operate.

 

I think it also helps to channel your emotions into a difference space - you can try yoga or running for that. I try to visualise the action of picking up my emotions and symbolically putting them into a box and locking it away. That sounds kooky but it works sometimes - I tell myself that I will reflect on it later. Sometimes when later comes, I've already managed to get over whatever emotion I was feeling earlier.

[thecrucible]

By the way OP, I totally relate to your perfectionism streak. I was actually told by a psychologist that I am "textbook perfectionist". It is okay to be affected by criticism and if I'm honest I take it to heart like you but I am gradually building up my resilience to the point where things that would have affected me more previously no longer get to me now. I sometimes feel that even if I know rationally that a criticism is unfounded, I will still wonder to myself "but what made them say that to me?". Luckily I'm often able to cut myself slack and not feel the need to understand and always have control. I can't control other people but I can control my reaction so the best I can do is to react to it in what I think is the most appropriate way.