Suicide attempt [of betrayed spouse]

[Marie2016]

I met a guy 1 year ago. His wife had left him as she hated the US and went back to Europe, where we all in this story are originally from. At first he wanted her back. She refused over and over. Then he decided to go out and meet friends... and that's how we met... What was a simple friendship relationship turned out to become real love. He tried to leave her then. She refused. She does not accept being with the "stigma" of being a divorced woman (she is in her 50's, no children involved). She convinced him to go counseling. He cried and told me that he had to do it. They tried for 3 months. I stopped any contact with him. He was the one who always initiated contact with me telling me that he really loved me and wanted to end his marriage and spend the rest of his life with me, but she asked for it as her last opportunity... (Two years before this they were talking about divorce. She even cheated on him... but the divorce never happened. She used to tell him that marriage was forever). But she lived in Europe while he was here by himself. She wanted to come to visit once a month....

 

A few days ago, she came back to the US for another visit by surprise. She started recording our conversations. She knew we both were in love with each other and that he was determined to finish it all for good, but was afraid of her reaction. He told her that their marriage was over. She seemed to be ok with it and told him that she was happy about it..., but her plan was a different one. The day she was supposed to return to Europe, he went to play golf at 8:30am and agreed to pick her up at 1:30pm to take her to the airport.

 

When he arrived to pick her up, she had "tried to commit suicide". I put it that way because I am certain that she did not really want to kill herself, but to create it all to manipulate him: no deep wounds, they live on a 7 floor, he has butcher knives at home, but she bought a plastic box opener, no arteries/veins/tendons were damaged/she did not require any transfusion, and hardly any stitches, the water in the tub was still hot when he arrived...

 

She was taken to the hospital and is under psychiatric care. She told him that she did it because she wanted to set him free to do whatever he chose to.. He wants to put her on a plane and send her back to her country and file for divorce. Now she is angry because they don't allow her to smoke, she doesn't like the food there, and has him running errands for her, etc... The last tantrum was to tell him to call me so she could hear him telling me that it was over between he and I... I told him I will do it, because I think that she is insane. We believe that she needs to be put her under medical care in her home country (she doesn't have insurance here).

 

I don't feel bad or guilty, because I believe she is responsible of her own acts and behavior. But my friends and family are telling me that I should be very careful because when she's out of the hospital, she might try to hurt me...

 

Thank you for reading me and allow me to express myself.

 

Marie

[S2B]

You are the other woman.

 

Allow them to deal with their marriage. Stay out of it!

 

This guy is a jerk. Treat him as such.

[Satu]

They are married.

 

Tell this man that you want no contact until the divorce is final, and stick to that.

[Ladyjane14]

You're dehumanizing this woman because you want her husband, (although I can't begin to imagine why either one of you would want a guy this weak and ineffectual). Bottom line though, is that it's easier for you to view her as controlling and insane than to empathize with her pain.

[loveboid]

The lady is manipulative. You are right to fear for your safety. He should be afraid for his too. Stay safe.

[sandylee1]

I'm sure that he can still get divorced after they have been seperated for a number of years regardless of whether she agrees to it or not.

 

It's a shame he didn't divorce her when she cheated on him as well... then you wouldn't be here.

 

He was wrong to agree to counselling when he was no longer interested in her ... that gave her false hope and that's probably where this all stemmed from. Whether or not she begged and cried was irrelevant... if he truly had no intention of getting back with her.

 

I find it annoying when I hear that MMs wife wants counselling and he has to do it. No he doesn't... and doing it with no intention of reconciling is just another form of abuse.

 

Your case is a little different as he was seperated .... but he should have taken steps to end the marriage.... because I'm not quite clear that when she left the USA .. whether they were having marriage problems and she was leaving him.. or just whether she intended it to be a long distance marriage.

 

Right now... it all seems like a lot of hassle and drama to be involved with ....and I would remove myself from the situation. She could be manipulative .... she could be making a cry for help..... she could be so desperate to save the marriage. If she's desperate enough to attempt suicide... whether genuine or not ... then really.. I have to consider it game over....and be done.

 

You've not invested that much time in the relationship ....

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh he married.

 

Whether you nor he not his wife likes it or not, he is married.

 

Until he takes care of that, he is still married.

 

And the way he presents her isn't going to be flattering to his GIRLFRIEND. Seriously.

[13Hearts]

The longer you stay with him, accepting that he is married, still seeing him, taking his side, validating his feelings and frustrations, participating in his life as his girlfriend, the longer he will remain married. And the longer you have to hear about this crap. He's not going to divorce her until he hurts so much he absolutely has to.

 

Tell him you cannot take the drama, and worry for your own safety because of her. Tell him when he is divorced to give you a call. And then go No Contact.

[Clay]

I don't feel bad or guilty, because I believe she is responsible of her own acts and behavior.

 

Marie

 

ten characters

[SunnyWeather]

I met a guy 1 year ago. His wife had left him as she hated the US and went back to Europe, where we all in this story are originally from. At first he wanted her back. She refused over and over. Then he decided to go out and meet friends... and that's how we met... What was a simple friendship relationship turned out to become real love. He tried to leave her then. She refused. She does not accept being with the "stigma" of being a divorced woman (she is in her 50's, no children involved). She convinced him to go counseling. He cried and told me that he had to do it. They tried for 3 months. I stopped any contact with him. He was the one who always initiated contact with me telling me that he really loved me and wanted to end his marriage and spend the rest of his life with me, but she asked for it as her last opportunity... (Two years before this they were talking about divorce. She even cheated on him... but the divorce never happened. She used to tell him that marriage was forever). But she lived in Europe while he was here by himself. She wanted to come to visit once a month....

 

A few days ago, she came back to the US for another visit by surprise. She started recording our conversations. She knew we both were in love with each other and that he was determined to finish it all for good, but was afraid of her reaction. He told her that their marriage was over. She seemed to be ok with it and told him that she was happy about it..., but her plan was a different one. The day she was supposed to return to Europe, he went to play golf at 8:30am and agreed to pick her up at 1:30pm to take her to the airport.

 

When he arrived to pick her up, she had "tried to commit suicide". I put it that way because I am certain that she did not really want to kill herself, but to create it all to manipulate him: no deep wounds, they live on a 7 floor, he has butcher knives at home, but she bought a plastic box opener, no arteries/veins/tendons were damaged/she did not require any transfusion, and hardly any stitches, the water in the tub was still hot when he arrived...

 

She was taken to the hospital and is under psychiatric care. She told him that she did it because she wanted to set him free to do whatever he chose to.. He wants to put her on a plane and send her back to her country and file for divorce. Now she is angry because they don't allow her to smoke, she doesn't like the food there, and has him running errands for her, etc... The last tantrum was to tell him to call me so she could hear him telling me that it was over between he and I... I told him I will do it, because I think that she is insane. We believe that she needs to be put her under medical care in her home country (she doesn't have insurance here).

 

I don't feel bad or guilty, because I believe she is responsible of her own acts and behavior. But my friends and family are telling me that I should be very careful because when she's out of the hospital, she might try to hurt me...

 

Thank you for reading me and allow me to express myself.

 

Marie

 

I'm sure under other circumstances you are a nice person, but reading what you have written makes me think otherwise. You do realize you are an active participant in this drama?

 

You are correct that each is responsible for their own actions and behavior, and you my dear, as the other woman, are influencing what is happening here, including the heartbreak and devastating meltdown of another as you pursue your heart's desires.

 

Why would you even want to be with a guy who treats his wife this way?

[privategal]

Her flying in and out of Europe, Recording your phonecalls, suicide attempts....

No other woman would be involved in such a mess, you could be with a single man, planning dates, talking about simple lovely things.

Instead every conversation is how to get rid of his wife who had the audacity to try and kill herself, now YOU want to weigh in on HER medical care?

You have no right. Your his fall back girl, the safe place to fall but SHE stayed in his home on Easter weekend.

I think you better wise up, she needs her HUSBAND right now. She loves him.

She is a human with feelings.

You are not a doctor or psychologist or divorce attorney. So stop holding his hand through his marital decisions.

Also please do see this cheater, if he ends up your husband, will not stand by you if you age, have any medical issues, or want to move as a family.

He will likely abandon you as he has done her...for sex. Great job you two.

You destroyed a marriage. Stop villianizing her.

[road]

 

She was taken to the hospital and is under psychiatric care. She told him that she did it because she wanted to set him free to do whatever he chose to.. He wants to put her on a plane and send her back to her country and file for divorce. Now she is angry because they don't allow her to smoke, she doesn't like the food there, and has him running errands for her, etc... The last tantrum was to tell him to call me so she could hear him telling me that it was over between he and I... I told him I will do it, because I think that she is insane. We believe that she needs to be put her under medical care in her home country (she doesn't have insurance here).

 

I don't feel bad or guilty, because I believe she is responsible of her own acts and behavior. But my friends and family are telling me that I should be very careful because when she's out of the hospital, she might try to hurt me...

 

Thank you for reading me and allow me to express myself.

 

Marie

 

 

She is married so she is covered under his health care here.

 

 

Of course you do not feel guilty because you are willing to have an affair with her WH.

 

 

I ask is there not 1 unmarried men you can have a relationship with?

 

 

I think it would be so much simpler to leave the OM and his BW to wallow in their own mess and set yourself free and have a healthy relationship.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hopefully she can get the help that she needs. She's being gaslighted, and that's abuse. Of course she's messed up in the head. Staging a false reconciliation is mean and hateful. Knowingly being involved in her deception makes you a party to her mistreatment. Then to place the blame or judge her for how she reacts to being abused is kind of a double whammy.

 

Your MM needs to divorce her as quickly as possible so that she can begin to heal and be free from people who are intent on deceiving her and then blaming her. Then you two can move forward in a legitimate relationship that doesn't involve his drama, or a third party.

[Lostweekend]

Did it occur to you (OP) that you might be getting played by this guy?

 

Remember that your perception of his wife is based on what he is telling you! Do you actually know for a fact that she cheated? Do you know for a fact that the things he is telling you about their marriage and it´s flaws is true? If you have been told about this stuff by others then how do they know? Is it based on things he is telling everyone or have they seen and witnessed things themselves over a long period of time?

 

So far you only have what he is telling you so to go by so perhaps it´s a bit premature to be saying that she is responsible of her own acts and behaviour. She seems to be putting up quite a fight to save their marriage. Perhaps the simple truth is that she had her feelings and emotions toyed with by her husband and your boyfriend for a bit too long.

 

I don´t know if I believe that she cheated. Some people will stop at nothing and that includes spreading blatant lies and tarnishing the reputation of their spouse / partner to gain sympathy and to try and justify their own actions and cheating.

 

I would give all of this a second thought if I were you! Whatever it is that´s going on you should keep out and away from it.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Lostweekend

[Marie2016]

Need some clarification:

 

1/ I left him when I knew he went counseling. I told him there were zero chances of me being with him or any other married man. I thought their marriage was over that's why I kept seeing him, but when I knew about the counseling, etc, I left him

 

2/ He begged her numerous times to move back with him and be a normal couple. He begged her before I met him and while we were just friends. She always refused. She said she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said it was a deal breaker...

 

3/ when he accepted going counseling, he wanted to give it an honest try to see if there was still some love left in his heart for her. He suspected there was none. He never told her he loved her during counseling. He told her he did in the past, but not anymore. Still she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said no and hoped she would understand that they could get apart without a fight or drama (because of her past, I assume), because that was what they both agree: give it a last chance and if not, move on with their lives.

 

4/ she had another long term relationship prior to this one. When it was over, she had to be under mental care.

 

5/ I have not had any physical contact with him and I won't, until he's divorced. Moreover, I told him I do not want any contact with him either until he solves that situation. Yes, he called me asking me to help him when that happened. And yes, I went to help. But that was it.

 

6/we started contact (messages) again when he told me they tried, didn't work out and was going to end it because the only thing he was doing as a husband was paying her bills and plane tickets everywhere (even though she works)

 

7/ I consider myself a compassionate person. But I have to admit I'm very bad when it has to do with manipulation. I feel sorry she did what she did and I do hope she gets the help she needs. But you can't force anybody to love you...

 

I hope this clarifies the circumstances a little.

 

Marie

Edited March 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
spacing ~6

[Marie2016]

They were pictures taken of her with one of the other guys. She asked for the divorce a few times before. When he traveled to their country, she didn't find time to spend with her husband but with the other guy and her friends. I've seen an exchange of emails between them. She didn't deny anything of the above....

[elaine567]

It is never a good idea to get into a relationship where there is "unfinished business", and here you have a man who has "unfinished business" with his wife.

Stuck in the middle he will most likely tell you what you want to hear and tell his wife what she wants to hear, never assume he is telling the truth to you, do not be that naive.

 

If it doesn't work out with her, you are his back up plan.

[Marie2016]

I feel bad, not responsible or guilty. That's what I meant. Bad? Definitely. I'm not a heartless person! The reasons why she did it is what upsets me. She was not depressed. She was going out to have dinner with some acquaintances the nights before what she did, while her husband stayed at home by himself. That's what really bothers me... If she was depressed or genuinely trying to make that marriage work out, I'd be feeling in a much different way. Still I believe she needs to be under medical care.

[TaraMaiden2]

Need some clarification:

 

1/ I left him when I knew he went counseling. I told him there were zero chances of me being with him or any other married man. I thought their marriage was over that's why I kept seeing him, but when I knew about the counseling, etc, I left him

2/ He begged her numerous times to move back with him and be a normal couple. He begged her before I met him and while we were just friends. She always refused. She said she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said it was a deal breaker...

3/ when he accepted going counseling, he wanted to give it an honest try to see if there was still some love left in his heart for her. He suspected there was none. He never told her he loved her during counseling. He told her he did in the past, but not anymore. Still she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said no and hoped she would understand that they could get apart without a fight or drama (because of her past, I assume), because that was what they both agree: give it a last chance and if not, move on with their lives.

4/ she had another long term relationship prior to this one. When it was over, she had to be under mental care.

5/ I have not had any physical contact with him and I won't, until he's divorced. Moreover, I told him I do not want any contact with him either until he solves that situation. Yes, he called me asking me to help him when that happened. And yes, I went to help. But that was it.

6/we started contact (messages) again when he told me they tried, didn't work out and was going to end it because the only thing he was doing as a husband was paying her bills and plane tickets everywhere (even though she works)

7/ I consider myself a compassionate person. But I have to admit I'm very bad when it has to do with manipulation. I feel sorry she did what she did and I do hope she gets the help she needs. But you can't force anybody to love you...

 

I hope this clarifies the circumstances a little.

 

Marie

 

You can clarify it all you want.

They are still married, you are still the other woman, and frankly, he lacks the spine, courage or character to be anywhere near a partner I would be happy dating. He's weak, indecisive and his behaviour is ridiculous.

 

Do as others have said.

Tell him you don't want to see him ever again UNTIL he has finalised his divorce and he is free to date you and be with you.

Finished, sorted, done.

No ifs buts clarifications, explanations, justifications.

 

None needed, none of any relevance.

[elaine567]

] She was not depressed.

 

How do you know?

Suicidal and depressed people can put on a "face".

The person crying their eyes out and wailing may not be suicidal, whereas the one who smiles broadly at everyone can then step out in front of a train.

 

Smiling depression

Suicide can be a particular threat for individuals suffering with smiling depression. Typically, people suffering with classic, severe depression might have suicidal thoughts, but not the energy to act on their feelings. However, those suffering from smiling depression have the energetic ability to plan and follow through. This is why smiling depression can be more dangerous than a classic form of severe depression

.

[Marie2016]

Is it also part of that depression to yell and scream...,until she's told she's going to get what she wants? If she loved him so much, wouldn't she want to remain here in the US beside him? On the contrary, she wants to go back to Europe asap...

 

How do you know?

Suicidal and depressed people can put on a "face".

The person crying their eyes out and wailing may not be suicidal, whereas the one who smiles broadly at everyone can then step out in front of a train.

 

.

[awkward]

Is it also part of that depression to yell and scream...,until she's told she's going to get what she wants? If she loved him so much, wouldn't she want to remain here in the US beside him? On the contrary, she wants to go back to Europe asap...

 

I don't know why you are questioning this woman's love for her husband. They are married. You are the Other Woman. You need to stay out of their marriage which includes their communication between each other. Why is this so hard to understand?

 

You are only hearing one side of the story. That side has an interest in keeping you as a mistress.

[TaraMaiden2]

Is it also part of that depression to yell and scream...,until she's told she's going to get what she wants?

What do you care? It's none of your business! He's married to her. She's his wife. You are the interloper, side issue and fly in the ointment. You need to back off 100% until he does the right thing.

 

If she loved him so much, wouldn't she want to remain here in the US beside him? On the contrary, she wants to go back to Europe asap...

Well that will make his divorcing her so much easier, won't it? Then he will be free to decide to do whatever he wants to do.

Until then, you should distance yourself from them both completely.

 

I must say though, if he hasn't yet made distinct concrete moves to finalise any divorce from her, it looks unlikely in the near future.

You're not holding your breath... are you?

[Darren Steez]

Is it also part of that depression to yell and scream...,until she's told she's going to get what she wants? If she loved him so much, wouldn't she want to remain here in the US beside him? On the contrary, she wants to go back to Europe asap...

 

They are married. They are wedded. No matter how much you try to justify or clarify or paint her as this monster, they are married.

 

But more importantly is how you've painted yourself without blame in this whole mess, while also painting this man as a bit of a coward, while also painting this woman as this raging psychopathic monster.

 

If what you say is true then yes she's manipulative but no more manipulative than you, I mean even if his wife was visiting the country you too are still on the phone saying your I love yous.

 

This guy, by your own description (and this is the man you supposedly love so much) he sounds like a fruitcake. Crying he has to go to counsel, refusing to just be done with her, painting himself as this helpless little soul who has no capacity to make any clear cut decisions.

 

But..more importantly, what was the reason that you posted this story? What is it you're looking for?

[ladydesigner]

I feel bad, not responsible or guilty. That's what I meant. Bad? Definitely. I'm not a heartless person! The reasons why she did it is what upsets me. She was not depressed. She was going out to have dinner with some acquaintances the nights before what she did, while her husband stayed at home by himself. That's what really bothers me... If she was depressed or genuinely trying to make that marriage work out, I'd be feeling in a much different way. Still I believe she needs to be under medical care.

 

I tried to commit suicide too and didn't do it right I guess . MOW saw me as manipulative too. I just wanted to go to sleep forever and not have to deal with my WH lying and gaslighting me. My WH wouldn't leave. I was tired of the triangle I found myself in and I wanted out of it.