Suicide attempt [of betrayed spouse]

[waterwoman]

Soo..... he moves to the US and tried to force her to do so. She, quite reasonably, decides that it isn't for her and really doesn't want to make this drastic change. He responds to this by having an affair and eventually telling he wants a divorce.... and when she reacts badly to this, she is being manipulative and a drama queen?

 

He must have accepted her affair as he stayed with her for years. So that is irrelevant now unless he has been secretly resenting her all these years.

 

Empathy? It can be quite a useful thing. Perhaps look it up in a dictionary.

[dreamingoftigers]

Is it also part of that depression to yell and scream...,until she's told she's going to get what she wants? If she loved him so much, wouldn't she want to remain here in the US beside him? On the contrary, she wants to go back to Europe asap...

 

It smacks of mental illness.

 

Does she have to be "depressed" in order to have legitimate issues?

 

Does she have to be "depressed" in order for it to count?

 

Does her "depression" or not make him divorced?

[Liam1]

I met a guy 1 year ago. His wife had left him as she hated the US and went back to Europe, where we all in this story are originally from. At first he wanted her back. She refused over and over. Then he decided to go out and meet friends... and that's how we met... What was a simple friendship relationship turned out to become real love. He tried to leave her then. She refused. She does not accept being with the "stigma" of being a divorced woman (she is in her 50's, no children involved). She convinced him to go counseling. He cried and told me that he had to do it. They tried for 3 months. I stopped any contact with him. He was the one who always initiated contact with me telling me that he really loved me and wanted to end his marriage and spend the rest of his life with me, but she asked for it as her last opportunity... (Two years before this they were talking about divorce. She even cheated on him... but the divorce never happened. She used to tell him that marriage was forever). But she lived in Europe while he was here by himself. She wanted to come to visit once a month....

 

Marie:

 

No judgement here, just some practical advice.

 

If your AP did not want to stay married he would file for divorce.

 

No decent person would go to counseling PRETENDING to want to reconcile.

 

If he led his wife to believe he was reconciling, when in reality he wanted to continue the affair behind her back, that is extremely cruel and it makes it very obvious that he neither loves his wife nor you.

 

His priority is himself and only himself.

[privategal]

She wants to go to Europe because she hoped he'd follow or miss her and let him see what life was like without her in order to jar him to make a decision to be with her.

She feels alone here as her husband is sneaking around with you and not making time, taking her out, tending to her enotional needs.

I moved 10 hours away this year and Im so lonely every day. Thank God my husband spends time with me, hugs and cuddles me and calls me and plans lots of dates.

HER husband is sleeping with YOU and giving you all HER LOVE.

My heart is broken for this woman.

Its not the morality I judge its that she is laying in the hospital alone and who will comfort or take care of HER?

You get no say.

[SunnyWeather]

OP, Are you aware of all the subterfuge, double speak, and denial you are continuously prattling on about to justify your involvement in something you have no business being involved in?

 

I can't help but wonder what would happen if you were to turn your obsessive preoccupation over what is 'wrong' with you lover's wife, and put it squarely onto yourself.

 

What do you think you would see?

 

I"m going to offer you all the support you are willing to receive because, deep down, I can see that you want so badly to be loved and sadly, willing to go about it at the expense of another.

 

you are so much better than that

[ShatteredLady]

I went to a friends families Easter party on Saturday. I haven't seen them for a few years. They all told me how much they missed me, how much FUN I am, what a laugh, what a PERFECT little family I have. How WONDERFUL my husband is.

 

I take some major medications for my health. Every month I know when I've passed the point & no longer have enough to sleep forever just to make this pain stop.

My brother killed himself when he just couldn't take the abusive gaslighting, trickle truth, lies & pain. I live with that emotional carnage everyday. His first "cry for attention" didn't work but he managed to do the job a few days later.

 

I kept the party smile plastered on my face until we left their road & cried all the way home.

 

You NEVER KNOW what another woman is living with.

 

I no longer cut myself. I still have the scars from last time. The worst are the ones I made burning into myself with a cigarette. Controlled pain is so therapeutic but now that I have little kids I've lost that option.

 

We live in the USA but we're English. I live all of this alone. The one thing I'm holding onto at the moment is my plan... I'm moving home this summer. I CANT LIVE like this!! I need my real friends & family to hold me.

 

You're lucky. You have your life, your friends, your boy friend. I'm sorry you've been so inconvenienced by that manipulative, thoughtless woman cutting her wrists up...& she only needed a few stitches!!!

 

I did a pathetic job of slitting my wrists too. Until you've tried to slice in there (it's a lot stronger than you think! Thighs slice so easily!) you don't know how hard it is, physically & mentally.

 

You're lucky! Anyone who has never wished for death, to sleep, to be nothing..just how it feels to live, NOTHING. is lucky.

 

That man you think so much of knows how hurt she's been in the past but still tortures her with lies & gaslighting. He doesn't have the balls to do anything. Just torture her enough so she will be the bad guy & give-up. He made vows, promised her everything...but he's telling YOU the truth!

 

Live your life but at least be honest & recognize that you are complicit in torturing this woman.

[privategal]

OP, Are you aware of all the subterfuge, double speak, and denial you are continuously prattling on about to justify your involvement in something you have no business being involved in?

 

I can't help but wonder what would happen if you were to turn your obsessive preoccupation over what is 'wrong' with you lover's wife, and put it squarely onto yourself.

 

What do you think you would see?

 

I"m going to offer you all the support you are willing to receive because, deep down, I can see that you want so badly to be loved and sadly, willing to go about it at the expense of another.

 

you are so much better than that

 

She will not look at herself as her AP has her believing his wife is a crazy lunatic. Never mind all he has put his wife through.

How humiliating that while your recovering from attempted suicide in a psych ward your husband is with his mistress, and the mistress can only think about the quickest way to get her bacl home so ap can focus only on her.

How humiliating for his wife to hear your calls and then to be in psychatric care, only to get out, and have to go home without her husbands love and needing to shamefully explain it all to her family.

I hope that poor lady will be ok.

You and her husband deserve eachother.

[whichwayisup]

I feel bad, not responsible or guilty. That's what I meant. Bad? Definitely. I'm not a heartless person! The reasons why she did it is what upsets me. She was not depressed. She was going out to have dinner with some acquaintances the nights before what she did, while her husband stayed at home by himself. That's what really bothers me... If she was depressed or genuinely trying to make that marriage work out, I'd be feeling in a much different way. Still I believe she needs to be under medical care.

 

I hope after reading Shatteredlady's post:

 

I went to a friends families Easter party on Saturday. I haven't seen them for a few years. They all told me how much they missed me, how much FUN I am, what a laugh, what a PERFECT little family I have. How WONDERFUL my husband is.

 

I take some major medications for my health. Every month I know when I've passed the point & no longer have enough to sleep forever just to make this pain stop.

My brother killed himself when he just couldn't take the abusive gaslighting, trickle truth, lies & pain. I live with that emotional carnage everyday. His first "cry for attention" didn't work but he managed to do the job a few days later.

 

I kept the party smile plastered on my face until we left their road & cried all the way home.

 

You NEVER KNOW what another woman is living with.

 

I no longer cut myself. I still have the scars from last time. The worst are the ones I made burning into myself with a cigarette. Controlled pain is so therapeutic but now that I have little kids I've lost that option.

 

We live in the USA but we're English. I live all of this alone. The one thing I'm holding onto at the moment is my plan... I'm moving home this summer. I CANT LIVE like this!! I need my real friends & family to hold me.

 

You're lucky. You have your life, your friends, your boy friend. I'm sorry you've been so inconvenienced by that manipulative, thoughtless woman cutting her wrists up...& she only needed a few stitches!!!

 

I did a pathetic job of slitting my wrists too. Until you've tried to slice in there (it's a lot stronger than you think! Thighs slice so easily!) you don't know how hard it is, physically & mentally.

 

You're lucky! Anyone who has never wished for death, to sleep, to be nothing..just how it feels to live, NOTHING. is lucky.

 

That man you think so much of knows how hurt she's been in the past but still tortures her with lies & gaslighting. He doesn't have the balls to do anything. Just torture her enough so she will be the bad guy & give-up. He made vows, promised her everything...but he's telling YOU the truth!

 

Live your life but at least be honest & recognize that you are complicit in torturing this woman.

 

I hope you feel compassion for your MM's wife and step out of the picture because it's NOT your place to be in their lives, even if he is inviting you in. He's still married. His wife is a mess and yes she does need professional help, but not with your interference. It's not sincere since you want her husband.

[wmacbride]

Op,

There is some really unsettling about how much you know about his w, how you know all the details about her suicide attempt and your disdain that she didn't get it right the first time.

 

 

Try taking a step back. How do you feel about being angry with a woman who is dealing with a mental health crisis because she trued to kill herself but it didn't work. Is that really the type of person you want to be?

[BettyDraper]

Need some clarification:

 

1/ I left him when I knew he went counseling. I told him there were zero chances of me being with him or any other married man. I thought their marriage was over that's why I kept seeing him, but when I knew about the counseling, etc, I left him

 

2/ He begged her numerous times to move back with him and be a normal couple. He begged her before I met him and while we were just friends. She always refused. She said she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said it was a deal breaker...

 

3/ when he accepted going counseling, he wanted to give it an honest try to see if there was still some love left in his heart for her. He suspected there was none. He never told her he loved her during counseling. He told her he did in the past, but not anymore. Still she wanted to be a long distance wife. He said no and hoped she would understand that they could get apart without a fight or drama (because of her past, I assume), because that was what they both agree: give it a last chance and if not, move on with their lives.

 

4/ she had another long term relationship prior to this one. When it was over, she had to be under mental care.

 

5/ I have not had any physical contact with him and I won't, until he's divorced. Moreover, I told him I do not want any contact with him either until he solves that situation. Yes, he called me asking me to help him when that happened. And yes, I went to help. But that was it.

 

6/we started contact (messages) again when he told me they tried, didn't work out and was going to end it because the only thing he was doing as a husband was paying her bills and plane tickets everywhere (even though she works)

 

7/ I consider myself a compassionate person. But I have to admit I'm very bad when it has to do with manipulation. I feel sorry she did what she did and I do hope she gets the help she needs. But you can't force anybody to love you...

 

I hope this clarifies the circumstances a little.

 

Marie

 

So you don't do well with manipulation yet you are "in love" with someone who was cruel enough to manipulate his troubled wife? I don't understand. Pretending to reconcile with someone is awful and very underhanded. I think you're just determined to believe this man's lies and see him as a victim.

 

Someone is in the psych ward struggling with the end of her marriage and all you can think about is getting her out of your lives? Wow. Just remember that this man will find it easy to desert you should you ever require his strength. We all have times when we are vulnerable and need to lean on our partners.

[bathtub-row]

She cheats on him, disappears to another country, basically treats him like a distant relative - and yet is surprised when he develops a relationship with someone else?

 

IMO, she used this suicide stunt to play on his guilt and to control him. I'm amazed at the number of people defending this situation just because they're married. It's nothing more than ink on paper. I'd walk away from anyone who tried to manipulate me like this.

Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ms. Faust]

I'm amazed at the number of people defending this situation just because they're married.

 

I don't think people are defending the BS because it's her marriage. I think it is the lack of empathy and (what appears to be) callousness of the OP that are getting to posters.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think people are defending the BS because it's her marriage. I think it is the lack of empathy and (what appears to be) callousness of the OP that are getting to posters.

 

I'm pretty callous toward people who use suicide to manipulate others, too. I'm also pretty callous when they create their own drama and then act surprised by the results.

[Ms. Faust]

I'm also pretty callous when they create their own drama and then act surprised by the results.

 

The OP has done a fine job with this.

[elaine567]

I'm pretty callous toward people who use suicide to manipulate others, too. I'm also pretty callous when they create their own drama and then act surprised by the results.

 

BUT we do not KNOW that she did it to manipulate the situation, all the info here concerning the BW is sourced from a cheating MM, via his OW.

A man that has already been found to be untrustworthy by lying to the OP concerning his MC and the true state of his marriage. A man juggling two women. A man whose best interests, are most likely being served by demonising his wife in front of his OW.

 

The wife is allegedly now under psych care and has a past history of mental illness, so I am not sure that this could be simply filed under "manipulative".

Yes it is "convenient", but I would not like to underestimate the madness inducing power of finding her husband is cheating and the impending divorce.

[Cymbeline]

Surely the manipulation (of the bs at least) starts when the affair starts?

[wmacbride]

I'm pretty callous toward people who use suicide to manipulate others, too. I'm also pretty callous when they create their own drama and then act surprised by the results.

 

 

If she has been admitted to a hospital for more than a brief period of observation, then the doctors have good reason to suspect her intentions may well have been a true attempt. They have the experience, testing and other tools to weed out attention seeking dram form true metal illness

who is at risk of harming herself.

 

Personally, I find it very distasteful that an ow would feel she is any sort fo a position to disuse a bs's suicide attempt. I don't recall seeing that very often, and when it does, it either tends to speak more to the insecurity ad need for drama in the ow who does so, or they feel terribly guilty about being part of something that contributed to a person choosing to try and take their own life.

Edited March 29, 2016 by wmacbride

[Joie]

Honestly, who cares if she is trying to manipulate her husband. This woman is in enough emotional pain that she was willing to CUT herself. I can not imagine how lost you must feel to think the only answer is to physically harm yourself. Maybe it is cry for help or an attempt to get her husband's attention either way this woman needs help and support. I think it is a shame that someone who loved her enough to marry her is treating her like a burden instead of supporting her. He doesn't have to stay married to her but he can still be a good human being and support her in her time of need.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. But staying NC will ease the pain. Take it day-by-day and you'll be over him eventually. I know you are angry at him for a variety of justifiably reasons but please try to not focus on or blame his wife for his failures. This is the flip-side of the same faulty logic of the BS blaming the OW/M for his or her WS's affair.

 

Everyone makes a choice. He is still married; he is choosing not to file for divorce. You have to do your best to let him go, or you will continue to find yourself wasting precious time. That is something you cannot have back. I hope you continue to CHOOSE YOU and keep walking away.

 

Best of Luck,

OL

[lemondrop21]

I agree that what she did was likely manipulative. She's in a very dark place and it's good she's getting help. I also don't think that you can blame yourself for her suicide attempt... yes you were a part in her having these depressed feelings, but what she chooses to do with those feelings is out of your control (and possibly out of her control at this stage too; again, she obviously is in a very bad place and needs help).

 

Based on your clarifying post it sounds like you were relatively respectful of their marriage and attempts to reconcile. Yes, it was an A and it was wrong, but there are nuances to this story as you have illustrated.

 

At this point I imagine he will divorce eventually. A suicide attempt in order to force someone to stay with you is, quite frankly, a turn off and will probably have the opposite effect from what she intends. Then you can decide whether you want to be with him. As other posters have pointed out, he may be manipulating you as well and you'll need to thoroughly investigate that.

[underpants]

I went to a friends families Easter party on Saturday. I haven't seen them for a few years. They all told me how much they missed me, how much FUN I am, what a laugh, what a PERFECT little family I have. How WONDERFUL my husband is.

 

I take some major medications for my health. Every month I know when I've passed the point & no longer have enough to sleep forever just to make this pain stop.

My brother killed himself when he just couldn't take the abusive gaslighting, trickle truth, lies & pain. I live with that emotional carnage everyday. His first "cry for attention" didn't work but he managed to do the job a few days later.

 

I kept the party smile plastered on my face until we left their road & cried all the way home.

 

You NEVER KNOW what another woman is living with.

 

I no longer cut myself. I still have the scars from last time. The worst are the ones I made burning into myself with a cigarette. Controlled pain is so therapeutic but now that I have little kids I've lost that option.

 

We live in the USA but we're English. I live all of this alone. The one thing I'm holding onto at the moment is my plan... I'm moving home this summer. I CANT LIVE like this!! I need my real friends & family to hold me.

 

You're lucky. You have your life, your friends, your boy friend. I'm sorry you've been so inconvenienced by that manipulative, thoughtless woman cutting her wrists up...& she only needed a few stitches!!!

 

I did a pathetic job of slitting my wrists too. Until you've tried to slice in there (it's a lot stronger than you think! Thighs slice so easily!) you don't know how hard it is, physically & mentally.

 

You're lucky! Anyone who has never wished for death, to sleep, to be nothing..just how it feels to live, NOTHING. is lucky.

 

That man you think so much of knows how hurt she's been in the past but still tortures her with lies & gaslighting. He doesn't have the balls to do anything. Just torture her enough so she will be the bad guy & give-up. He made vows, promised her everything...but he's telling YOU the truth!

 

Live your life but at least be honest & recognize that you are complicit in torturing this woman.

 

Please seek professional help for your despair.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Please seek professional help for your despair.

 

 

Shattered, I also almost posted the same as underpants earlier today after I began reading your post and was unable to finish it. I noticed you plan to go back to the UK this summer but don't wait until then, please get help in the meantime.

[ShatteredLady]

I was writing about the past. I would NEVER hurt myself now with my children. After my brothers death I know the destruction, the PERMANENT destruction that suicide does to everyone in a family.

 

Cutting enough to need 'a few stitches' is no small thing! I wanted people to understand the agony & strength & despair that it takes to hurt yourself & stop belittling what that poor woman has been through.

Edited March 30, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[ladydesigner]

Omg suicide attempts are serious and not a manipulation it takes something very traumatic to send a person down that rabbit hole. Personally I am offended by all the OW who use this against the BS. Until you have been in a position that terrifying, probably should just keep it to yourself because it is very non empathetic and callous and I think that is worse than the suicide attempt imo *smh*

[jenkins95]

OP, please stay away and let them sort it out between them.

 

Perhaps the attempt was just a stunt, a manipulative cry for help, but maybe, just maybe it wasn't.

 

Whatever you do, don't put yourself in a positive that could in any way push her to another attempt. All the pain and frustration that you are experiencing now (and I don't doubt that it's considerable) would pale into insignificance if she tried again - and was successful this time.

 

It may be very unlikely, but the fact that it is even a plausible possibility should be waving red flags everywhere.

 

I really feel your pain, but please step away and let them sort it out. If one day in the future they are no longer together, he can look you up then (maybe by then you won't be interested). Unless that happens, strict NC should be the only realistic course if action IMO.

 

Good luck - things will get better.