My boyfriend is jealous of me and my best guy friend

[julie94]

Hi, I'm having a bit of a problem with my bf and need advice. We've been in a relationship for 2 yrs now. He is 24, I'm 21. We are both deeply in love and trust each other, but our relationship has gotten to the point where we are sharing a lot regarding our pet peeves and other personal things, and it seems that he's been asking me an awful lot of questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Jay), who has been a very close friend of mind since high school. His questioning surprised me, because although Jay is basically my bff and is over here a lot, I haven't told my bf much about him yet. I think one of my two roommates have been telling my bf about us, I'm not sure, but he definitely knows more about us than what I've told him, so he must have some outside sources.

 

But anyways, even though I've assured him that I only see Jay as a platonic friend, I'm getting the impression that he doesn't trust me. I can tell by his body language and by some of his comments. I admit I haven't told him all the details yet even though he's been pushing me, but I don't feel either of us should expect to know everything at this stage of our relationship. I had also asked him about some of his past flings and he also didn't tell me a lot of details, but I didn't press him about it, so I expect the same from him. My bf, however, keeps prying me about it, and it's really getting annoying. He even got a little mad yesterday when I told him Jay and I were studying together, which we were, and my roommates were also there. He knows that Jay and I have the same major and so we study together a lot, but only with my roommates there, and I would never lie. But last night I could tell he was stressing out about it. I can only conclude that one of my roomies has been telling him stuff, but I'm not sure which one it is.

 

What should I do? I know for a fact that Jay and I are just platonic friends because we already experimented in that area and it didn't work out. Eventually, we both met other people and moved on, but we remained very close and dear friends. And since we began seeing other people I've noticed that we've really toned down on our flirting and we are acting much more like just friends now. But because of how close we are I can understand how some people might get the wrong impression, and I think that is what happened with one of my roommates.

 

What do you think I should do? I don't want to get into an argument with him about it, but his questioning and body language is really getting on my nerves!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Most guys you date are not going to be cool with you having another guy over at your place all the time, they just aren't. Not only that, but your relationship with Jay, as highlighted above, is more than just platonic. Basically, you used to fool around with this guy, you both still flirt, albeit less now that you have a BF, you hang out with him often, he is over your place often, and the way you act with him makes people think you are banging him. Yeah, your BF has reason to take issue with this guy being around.

Your best bet is to break things off with your BF. He is most likely never going to be OK with your situation, and you obviously aren't going to change. Again, just be prepared for most guys you meet to not be thrilled with the idea of Jay being around, or how you two are together.

 

I agree. There is a history between you and this friend, OP. It wasn't always just platonic. Does your boyfriend know that? You say you haven't told him much about Jay - why? Have they ever met?

 

You need to be more open with your boyfriend. He obviously knows you're withholding information, which makes you look suspicious. After two years, you shouldn't feel you can't be honest about this. You can't really blame-shift to your roommate; this one's on you. If you want to salvage this, sit your boyfriend down and be honest about who this Jay person really was and is to you. Otherwise, this will get worse and you will probably lose your boyfriend.

[salparadise]

I know for a fact that Jay and I are just platonic friends because we already experimented... we remained very close... toned down on our flirting... acting much more like just friends now. But because of how close we are I can understand how some people might get the wrong impression, and I think that is what happened with one of my roommates.

 

What do you think I should do? I don't want to get into an argument with him about it, but his questioning and body language is really getting on my nerves!!

 

Interesting how you take this as evidence that you are indeed platonic. Your BF (and other potential bfs) are going to take it as the opposite. Have you told your boyfriend that you used to shtup Jay? How would you feel if he spent a lot of time an ex-gf while he's dating you?

 

Most guys are simply not going to be willing to share a gf with another man. It's never actually platonic; it's a secondary mating strategy. From a guy's perspective you're always an inch away from banging Jay. Regardless of whether you're sexing Jay or not, you're still in a competing relationship that diverts attention, intimacy and exclusivity away from you primary relationship.

 

If you want harmonious romantic relationships you'll have to relegate Jay to acquaintance status and get real... and by that I mean quit deluding yourself that you can carry on two intimate opposite-sex relationships at once without it detracting from the primary relationship.

[julie94]

Most guys you date are not going to be cool with you having another guy over at your place all the time, they just aren't. Not only that, but your relationship with Jay, as highlighted above, is more than just platonic. Basically, you used to fool around with this guy, you both still flirt, albeit less now that you have a BF, you hang out with him often, he is over your place often, and the way you act with him makes people think you are banging him. Yeah, your BF has reason to take issue with this guy being around.

 

Your best bet is to break things off with your BF. He is most likely never going to be OK with your situation, and you obviously aren't going to change. Again, just be prepared for most guys you meet to not be thrilled with the idea of Jay being around, or how you two are together.

Yes, I understand. I would also be jealous if my bf spent a lot of time with a girl he used to fool around with as well, but if she was in a relationship with someone I wouldn't be nearly as jealous at all. I told my bf Jay is in a relationship, which would imply that he is unavailable. Also, all of that was way back in high school. I would think that any guy could understand that. It was like three years ago and we are different people now, we were just kids, now we are adults.

 

I agree. There is a history between you and this friend, OP. It wasn't always just platonic. Does your boyfriend know that? You say you haven't told him much about Jay - why? Have they ever met?

 

You need to be more open with your boyfriend. He obviously knows you're withholding information, which makes you look suspicious. After two years, you shouldn't feel you can't be honest about this. You can't really blame-shift to your roommate; this one's on you. If you want to salvage this, sit your boyfriend down and be honest about who this Jay person really was and is to you. Otherwise, this will get worse and you will probably lose your boyfriend.

Again, yes I understand. I know I look suspicious like I'm hiding something but I don't feel that telling him everything now would be a good idea. I think it would just upset him and make things worse. At this stage of our relationship I was hoping we could just understand and accept that we both might have some baggage from previous relationships and not insist on knowing every little detail.

 

I think what is important is to make my bf understand that Jay is not some kind of threat. My homies are both known to exaggerate, and I think that one of them is giving my bf a false impression. I've already told both of them not to interfere in my relationship but I really don't trust either of them.

[wheream_i]

Not only does your BF have a problem with it but apparently, so do your roommates if they're the ones giving him info on him constantly being at your place.

 

I'd have a problem with it too.

[salparadise]

I know I look suspicious like I'm hiding something but I don't feel that telling him everything now would be a good idea. I think it would just upset him and make things worse. At this stage of our relationship I was hoping we could just understand and accept that we both might have some baggage from previous relationships and not insist on knowing every little detail.

 

You got that right. What you're really saying is that you don't really care. You just want what you want, and if that means keeping the BF in the dark about your history with Jay then so be it. You're really only concerned with cutting off the source of information that makes him uncomfortable so it will be easier pull off the deception. So what's the downside to you... it obviates the possibility of having a quality relationship with the BF.

 

This is why most guys just won't tolerate this kind of stuff. I am one of them. I'd have zero interest in being part of such a triangle.

[road]

Again, yes I understand. I know I look suspicious like I'm hiding something but I don't feel that telling him everything now would be a good idea. I think it would just upset him and make things worse. At this stage of our relationship I was hoping we could just understand and accept that we both might have some baggage from previous relationships and not insist on knowing every little detail.

 

 

 

Well hiding the truth that you and your boy friend used to have sex from your boyfriend is not looking like you are suspicious and hiding something.

 

 

You are being suspicious and lying to your boyfriend about your boy friend's past with you.

 

 

No man will have a relationship with a woman and accept her keeping her ex-lover in her life.

[Jabron1]

No man will have a relationship with a woman and accept her keeping her ex-lover in her life.

 

No man of quality would...

 

Consider it a doormat test.

[PrettyEmily77]

One of my closest friends is male. I've known him for the best part of 20 years. My partner has met him and doesn't feel threatened in the slightest because

 

1. He has no reason to be (zero history, zero attraction).

 

2. He knows it.

 

3. He's emotionally stable and would dump my azz the minute he suspects foul play (he said as much and I respect him for that).

 

We're both ok with the fact that we led full lives before we met - we just don't rub it in each other's faces constantly.

[julie94]

Well hiding the truth that you and your boy friend used to have sex from your boyfriend is not looking like you are suspicious and hiding something.

 

You are being suspicious and lying to your boyfriend about your boy friend's past with you.

 

No man will have a relationship with a woman and accept her keeping her ex-lover in her life.

 

I see where you're coming from but I don't see how it's "lying" to just not reveal everything all at once. I already said I will tell him more when the timing is better.

 

And for the record Jay is not an "ex-lover". I actually have no ex-lovers as I am a committed Christian and my faith does not permit premarital sex. Jay and I were just good friends back in high school who did some experimenting when we were drunk. Like I said, it happened a long time ago and we both are clear that we just wish to remain friends. Jay knows this and I know this. Yes, we still flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other, but there have been numerous opportunities and we have yet to succumb to temptation. So I know there is no need for my bf to worry or be jealous, and I see no reason why I should have to cut my bff out of my life. I just feel like he should trust me and know nothing is going on, like I trust him.

[salparadise]

And for the record Jay is not an "ex-lover". I actually have no ex-lovers as I am a committed Christian and my faith does not permit premarital sex. Jay and I were just good friends back in high school who did some experimenting when we were drunk.

 

Ah, well... having God and alcohol as rationalizations means you're absolutely righteous and untouchable. Who needs insight with a combo like that. Carry on.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I understand. I would also be jealous if my bf spent a lot of time with a girl he used to fool around with as well, but if she was in a relationship with someone I wouldn't be nearly as jealous at all. I told my bf Jay is in a relationship, which would imply that he is unavailable. Also, all of that was way back in high school. I would think that any guy could understand that. It was like three years ago and we are different people now, we were just kids, now we are adults.

 

Again, yes I understand. I know I look suspicious like I'm hiding something but I don't feel that telling him everything now would be a good idea. I think it would just upset him and make things worse. At this stage of our relationship I was hoping we could just understand and accept that we both might have some baggage from previous relationships and not insist on knowing every little detail.

 

I think what is important is to make my bf understand that Jay is not some kind of threat. My homies are both known to exaggerate, and I think that one of them is giving my bf a false impression. I've already told both of them not to interfere in my relationship but I really don't trust either of them.

 

I'm sure that you realize that just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn't mean that they are above being unfaithful.

 

Hiding important information from your partner is called "lying by omission". You are conveniently omitting important info so that you can keep your boyfriend in the dark about how you really feel about Jay. If you would feel jealous if the situation was reversed, why would you want to hurt your boyfriend like this?

 

Since you're Christian, you've probably heard The Golden Rule. Treat your boyfriend with the same respect that you would want from him. I don't blame your man for being upset.

[Spikiera]

I only have one question for you, OP:

 

Would you be ok if today your boyfriend is very very close to one of his past lover. They hang out all the time, study together, and do various things together. He tells you that they are just purely friends.

 

Would you be 100% ok with that? Be honest with yourself.

[BettyDraper]

One of my closest friends is male. I've known him for the best part of 20 years. My partner has met him and doesn't feel threatened in the slightest because

 

1. He has no reason to be (zero history, zero attraction).

 

2. He knows it.

 

3. He's emotionally stable and would dump my azz the minute he suspects foul play (he said as much and I respect him for that).

 

We're both ok with the fact that we led full lives before we met - we just don't rub it in each other's faces constantly.

 

The point is that there's no history or attraction with your best friend though.

I doubt your boyfriend would be happy if you and your best friend had fooled around and flirted often before.

[ExpatInItaly]

I see where you're coming from but I don't see how it's "lying" to just not reveal everything all at once. I already said I will tell him more when the timing is better.

 

And for the record Jay is not an "ex-lover". I actually have no ex-lovers as I am a committed Christian and my faith does not permit premarital sex. Jay and I were just good friends back in high school who did some experimenting when we were drunk. Like I said, it happened a long time ago and we both are clear that we just wish to remain friends. Jay knows this and I know this. Yes, we still flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other, but there have been numerous opportunities and we have yet to succumb to temptation. So I know there is no need for my bf to worry or be jealous, and I see no reason why I should have to cut my bff out of my life. I just feel like he should trust me and know nothing is going on, like I trust him.

 

You're making excuses and openly admit you still flirt with this guy. You claim he's your best friend and in the same breath confess that you are physically attracted to him. You have been with your boyfriend for two years. What is taking you so long to be honest? You are lying by omission. Also, most people don't flirt with or have a physical history with their best friends. That is a problem in this scenario. And your roommates see it too.

 

Can you really not see what's wrong with your behaviour? You're not acting in a trustworthy manner. Thus, your boyfriend doesn't blindly trust you. He isn't wrong about that. You are skating on thin ice and not being very considerate of your boyfriend's feelings. Not cool.

[julie94]

I only have one question for you, OP:

 

Would you be ok if today your boyfriend is very very close to one of his past lover. They hang out all the time, study together, and do various things together. He tells you that they are just purely friends.

 

Would you be 100% ok with that? Be honest with yourself.

 

No, I would not be "100%" ok with it, but like I said if it was only experimenting and it was back in high school, and if the girl was in a relationship with another guy, then I would be very understanding.

 

Now, if I saw him flirting I would probably get really jealous, but I make sure never to flirt with my friend in front of him, out of respect to him and our relationship. My roommates, however, have probably told him how much we flirt, which IMO is probably what started this whole problem.

 

Also, understand that since he started questioning me, I have tried to cut back on the time Jay is over here.

[kgcolonel]

I see where you're coming from but I don't see how it's "lying" to just not reveal everything all at once. I already said I will tell him more when the timing is better.

 

And for the record Jay is not an "ex-lover". I actually have no ex-lovers as I am a committed Christian and my faith does not permit premarital sex. Jay and I were just good friends back in high school who did some experimenting when we were drunk. Like I said, it happened a long time ago and we both are clear that we just wish to remain friends. Jay knows this and I know this. Yes, we still flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other, but there have been numerous opportunities and we have yet to succumb to temptation. So I know there is no need for my bf to worry or be jealous, and I see no reason why I should have to cut my bff out of my life. I just feel like he should trust me and know nothing is going on, like I trust him.

 

 

Bolded above...have you ever heard of "lying by omission" how would you feel with the tables turned and his response being...."Oh, I didn't tell you that she and I used to mess around?" Lying, betrayal, leading him on....call it what you want but it is not Christian-like if you want to play that card.

 

Listen, I have no problem having a really good friend of the opposite sex so long as everyone involved knows it for what it is. You're not allowing your BF to make an informed decision here...doesn't he deserve that? Have you and your BF ever socialized with Jay? Do they know each other....Be honest with both....how would you feel if your BF was physically attracted to his best female friend and they hung around alot? Would you want to know the history....

 

Two years together and you don't feel like sharing things like this with him??? When then...hopefully before you walk down the aisle....

[kgcolonel]

No, I would not be "100%" ok with it, but like I said if it was only experimenting and it was back in high school, and if the girl was in a relationship with another guy, then I would be very understanding.

 

Now, if I saw him flirting I would probably get really jealous, but I make sure never to flirt with my friend in front of him, out of respect to him and our relationship. My roommates, however, have probably told him how much we flirt, which IMO is probably what started this whole problem.

 

Also, understand that since he started questioning me, I have tried to cut back on the time Jay is over here.

 

This is not out of respect for him....this is to avoid be held accountable for acting single while in a relationship....sorry OP but you're dead wrong on this one.....your BF deserves a GF who won't flirt behind his back and lie to him about a guy that comes over all the time.....very immature here. Let him go.

[Clay]

Its clear you don't respect your boyfriend. You can say your doing everything you can to make him feel better about this but there is going to come a time when he walks away. The only thing your doing is being selfish. I agree with the others. End things with your boyfriend. He deserves better.

 

C

[sandylee1]

Your story is almost identical to one on here in recent months, but it might have been in reverse.

 

The issues here are :

 

You haven't introduced them

You have a past of sorts with him

Flirting still happens

Attraction is still there with you and J

and you've not been honest about things.

 

I can't understand how you fail to see why your BF isn't thrilled with the situation. Relationships are based on honesty. Now if they no longer any attraction whatsoever .... I may pass on telling your him about the high school experimentation ..... but the fact that you mention temptation and not succumbing to it .... shows it's really not entirely platonic.

[Try]

His questioning surprised me, because although Jay is basically my bff and is over here a lot, I haven't told my bf much about him yet.

I admit I haven't told him all the details yet even though he's been pushing me, but I don't feel either of us should expect to know everything at this stage of our relationship. I had also asked him about some of his past flings and he also didn't tell me a lot of details, but I didn't press him about it, so I expect the same from him.

After two years, at “this stage” of your relationship, he is owed full disclosure about another guy that you call your “bff”. As for your boyfriend not giving you “a lot of details” about “some of his past flings”, I call bull on this comparison because they are in the “past”, while your guy “bff” is in the here and now. Had you put your relationship with your guy bff in the past, your boyfriend would not be asking so many questions about him now.

 

Yes, we still flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other, but there have been numerous opportunities and we have yet to succumb to temptation.

But because of how close we are I can understand how some people might get the wrong impression, and I think that is what happened with one of my roommates.

My homies are both known to exaggerate, and I think that one of them is giving my bf a false impression.

Again, yes I understand. I know I look suspicious like I'm hiding something but I don't feel that telling him everything now would be a good idea. I think it would just upset him and make things worse.

If you and your guy bff “flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other” such that you have to resist succumbing “to temptation”, “can understand how some people might get the wrong impression”, and telling your boyfriend the truth about your relationship with your guy bff would “upset him and make things worse”, then your “homies” are not giving your boyfriend “a false impression”, they are just telling your boyfriend the truth. You are the one giving your boyfriend the false impression.

 

Now, if I saw him flirting I would probably get really jealous, but I make sure never to flirt with my friend in front of him, out of respect to him and our relationship. My roommates, however, have probably told him how much we flirt, which IMO is probably what started this whole problem.

This confirms that your roommates are not the ones giving your boyfriend a false impression about your relationship with your guy bff, but that you are deliberately giving your boyfriend a false impression by acting differently with your bff when your boyfriend is around. BTW, the number one well accepted relationship boundary is to not do anything with an opposite sex friend that you would not do in front of your significant other. You apparently break this rule on a regular basis, and this is called cheating. Also, with you and your bff having an understanding with each other that you are not to flirt when your boyfriend is around, you are putting you and your bff together as a team on the inside of this deception, with your boyfriend on the outside being played the fool by the two of you. This is not the way someone that is trustworthy acts.

 

I just feel like he should trust me and know nothing is going on, like I trust him.

If nothing were going on, then you would have no problem telling your boyfriend the full truth about your relationship with this other guy now would you?

 

But anyways, even though I've assured him that I only see Jay as a platonic friend, I'm getting the impression that he doesn't trust me. I can tell by his body language and by some of his comments.

I don't want to get into an argument with him about it, but his questioning and body language is really getting on my nerves!!

I can assure you that if your relationship with Jay were strictly “platonic”, you and Jay would not “flirt” so much such that you both are aware that you “have a physical attraction to each other”. I can also assure you that your boyfriend not trusting you with Jay does not get on your nerves nearly as much as your boyfriend learning about your secret flirting relationship with Jay gets on your boyfriend’s nerves.

 

I see where you're coming from but I don't see how it's "lying" to just not reveal everything all at once.

A lie by omission is deliberately leaving information out in order to mislead someone. You do acknowledge that you have been doing that don’t you? Also, dating is spending time with someone of the opposite sex that you are attracted to in order to have the opportunity to develop a relationship with them. Studies show that most dates do not involve sex and many do not even involve kissing. You are doing that with Jay such that if you and your boyfriend had a fight and had a short term breakup, Jay would be in the perfect position to immediately know about it and quickly move in. It is not fair to your boyfriend that you have such a backup option. Edited March 28, 2016 by Try

[Friskyone4u]

Don't even have to read all the posts.

 

You are having a guy who you have had sex with at your house without your boyfriend of TWO YEARS there.

 

Sorry, when you become "exclusive" or married, your relationship with members of the opposite sex changes. Does not mean you cannot be friends or have any male friends but why are you not telling your boyfriend of TWO YEARS ANY DETAILS.

 

Do you plan on telling your boyfriend that you have been intimate with Jay or is that going to be your little secret.

 

If you marry your boyfriend, all you planning to still hang out alone with Jay. I don't think so.

[Spikiera]

No, I would not be "100%" ok with it, but like I said if it was only experimenting and it was back in high school, and if the girl was in a relationship with another guy, then I would be very understanding.

 

Now, if I saw him flirting I would probably get really jealous, but I make sure never to flirt with my friend in front of him, out of respect to him and our relationship. My roommates, however, have probably told him how much we flirt, which IMO is probably what started this whole problem.

 

Also, understand that since he started questioning me, I have tried to cut back on the time Jay is over here.

 

Well, if you would not be 100% ok with it, how do you expect your BF to be? Would it be ok if your BF is flirting with someone behind your back?

 

You are still young, so sometimes you cannot put yourself into others' shoes to understand that your actions may be wrong. Now you took the opportunity to ask on the forum, which is a good thing. So we can share our opinions with you, and basically let you know that what you are doing is wrong.

 

You should not even flirt with anyone if you are seriously dating one guy.

 

My advise is: if you cannot let Jay go, let your BF go instead. He does not deserve this kind of treatment. It is very disrespectful.

[smackie9]

OP you should ask yourself this: who is most important in your life? Who is the one you can't possibly live without? Jay or your BF?

[Poutrew]

Julie, save yourself a lot of trouble and dump your boyfriend. You have been seeing Jay quite often for the entire 2 years you have known your boyfriend. He is an important person in your life, and you have not bothered to say word one about him to your BF. You used to do 'stuff' with him while 'drunk'. Let's face it- your big mouth roomies have forced your hand to spill the beans about Jay to your BF. You wouldn't be saying anything to him until the time is 'right' otherwise. And when will that be? In another 2 years? When you get married and your now hubby wants to know why you are seeing another man?

 

And what are you going to tell BF? Well, honey, I've known Jay since I was a teenager. We are purely plutonic, except for the time when we were both drunk - but there was never any penetration. We only did oral, and I never swallowed. Promise, baby. You are my sun and moon and stars...

 

The reality is that by keeping Jay a secret from your boyfriend, you are actually defending him and taking his side against your BF. This is classic cake eater behavior on your part. You don't want to dump Jay, so he really is your number 1. And don't think your current boyfriend will interpret it any other way. The stronger and more insistent you are that Jay is not important to you or that he is not a threat to your relationship, the more your boyfriend will know he is. Eventually you BF will make you choose between him or Jay, and if you pick BF you will come to resent him and eventually hate him.

 

Did you notice that in your posts, we know the name of your friend: Jay. You say his name 5 times. But you never even bothered telling us the first name of the BF? He is just BF. BF come, BF go, but Jay is eternal...

 

Please, dump your poor boyfriend before you really, really hurt an innocent guy and make him hate and treat with suspicion women in the future. Marry Jay.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Poutrew