My boyfriend is jealous of me and my best guy friend

[PrettyEmily77]

The point is that there's no history or attraction with your best friend though.

I doubt your boyfriend would be happy if you and your best friend had fooled around and flirted often before.

 

That was the point I was trying to make!

[julie94]

Thank you for all your replies. I've been working late so I just caught up.

 

I hear what everyone is saying, and it has given me a different perspective on my situation. I do think you all have a point. It's probably pretty normal for my bf to be prying me about Jay, especially now that he is starting to figure out how often he is over here, which I admit is a lot. So I think it's not just a trust issue, but it's also a time issue. My bf has always complained about how little time we have together, and I'm pretty sure it pisses him off that Jay gets more of my time than he does. The problem, however, is that Jay lives a bit closer than he does, plus we have the same major, so it's just more convenient for me to hang out and study with him. But I don't mean anything by it, and since my bf's been questioning me I have been making efforts to scale back the time I spend with Jay.

 

But let me make one thing clear. My feelings for my bf are totally different than my feelings for Jay. I can feel it. My bf makes me feel like a lady, but with Jay I feel more like a friend. I love my bf as a man, but I do also love Jay, but only as a friend. I honestly think that you have to separate romantic love from platonic love.

 

But anyways, I've been trying to think of a compromise on this, and I've come to the conclusion that I really do need to spend more time with my bf and less with Jay. I also think it would be a good idea to get the two of them together more, and see if I can get them to be friends. I think this we'll ease my bf's concerns (btw, his name is Mark, since some of you questioned that). I'm thinking of seeing if me, Mark, Jay, and his gf could all get together and start doing things as couples. My idea is that once Mark gets to know Jay better and meets his gf he will quit thinking of him as some kind of "threat".

 

What do you all think?

[MrBojangles]

Thank you for all your replies. I've been working late so I just caught up.

 

I hear what everyone is saying, and it has given me a different perspective on my situation. I do think you all have a point. It's probably pretty normal for my bf to be prying me about Jay, especially now that he is starting to figure out how often he is over here, which I admit is a lot. So I think it's not just a trust issue, but it's also a time issue. My bf has always complained about how little time we have together, and I'm pretty sure it pisses him off that Jay gets more of my time than he does. The problem, however, is that Jay lives a bit closer than he does, plus we have the same major, so it's just more convenient for me to hang out and study with him. But I don't mean anything by it, and since my bf's been questioning me I have been making efforts to scale back the time I spend with Jay.

 

But let me make one thing clear. My feelings for my bf are totally different than my feelings for Jay. I can feel it. My bf makes me feel like a lady, but with Jay I feel more like a friend. I love my bf as a man, but I do also love Jay, but only as a friend. I honestly think that you have to separate romantic love from platonic love.

 

But anyways, I've been trying to think of a compromise on this, and I've come to the conclusion that I really do need to spend more time with my bf and less with Jay. I also think it would be a good idea to get the two of them together more, and see if I can get them to be friends. I think this we'll ease my bf's concerns (btw, his name is Mark, since some of you questioned that). I'm thinking of seeing if me, Mark, Jay, and his gf could all get together and start doing things as couples. My idea is that once Mark gets to know Jay better and meets his gf he will quit thinking of him as some kind of "threat".

 

What do you all think?

 

 

Do you plan of telling your BF (Mark), about your full past with this "platonic" friend Jay? If you do not tell your BF about your and Jay's "experimenting" in the past, then having them hang out together is a very bad idea. Should Mark ever learn the truth someday, he may see you having gotten him together with Jay as the ultimate disrespect. That's how I would feel in your BF's position.

 

If you are not prepared to be 100% honest with Mark about your past with Jay, then do not try and get them together in the same room. Mark deserves the full story, so that he can make an informed decision, as to meeting Jay or continuing to accept you hanging out with Jay.

[Clay]

Don't worry your boyfriend will learn just how you have done him and he will make the compromise for himself. I doubt he will stay with you. There is no way in hell I would stay with a girl that treated me the way your treating him. The nice thing about it is its clear your boyfriend is a good guy and hes loyal. He wont have to much trouble finding a better girlfriend.

 

C

[salparadise]

I'm thinking of seeing if me, Mark, Jay, and his gf could all get together and start doing things as couples. My idea is that once Mark gets to know Jay better and meets his gf he will quit thinking of him as some kind of "threat".

 

What do you all think?

 

I think that if you limited your socializing with Jay to gatherings with him, his gf, Mark and yourself that your relationship would improve significantly, you'd come to understand that congruency is important both individually and in your relationship... and you and Jay can still be friends.

 

I honestly think that you have to separate romantic love from platonic love.

 

I honestly think that you need to quit deluding yourself about the nature of male-female friendships. Esp. when there's history, attraction and the potential for things to develop... you've been rationalizing.

[Els]

You can have purely platonic friends of the opposite gender - but if you have 'fooled around' with them before, you are only deluding yourself if you call it 'purely platonic'. If you were capable of fooling around before there must have been some sort of sexual/romantic attraction, even if you wouldn't otherwise succeed as a couple. And that makes all the difference.

 

I'm not saying you can't talk to this guy at all, but that level of contact with that type of history would make most people wary.

[Darren Steez]

If my girlfriend rocked up with her best friend and told me "hey we once fooled around but now we're friends and I'm just going to go and hang out at his house..."

 

She'd be an ex girlfriend..

[SwordofFlame]

What does Jay's girlfriend think of the relationship you two have?

[julie94]

Thanks for all the replies. I've been too busy too reply until now, but I've considered everyone's input and it has helped me to analyze this situation better.

 

I know my relationship with Jay is platonic, but I can understand what you all are saying. That is why I cut back on how much time I spend with him, and basically spend a lot of time with my bf now. Mark, me, Jay, and his gf are also going out tomorrow night, and I think that all of us getting together will help to alleviate Mark's concerns, as well as Jay's gf's concerns.

 

As far as what Jay's gf thinks, she also gets jealous just like Mark does. She doesn't like me touching him in front of her, and she also doesn't like it him hanging out at my place without her. I've assured her that there is nothing going on but friendship between Jay and I, but she hates when I flirt with him. It's sad because we were friends before she and Jay got together, and now it's like we hate each other. Last night it even got a little physical. At one point she yelled 'keep your f***ing hands off him" and then she actually grabbed my arm HARD and tried to pull me off of him!!! I even still have this red mark on my arm.

 

But at any rate, I'm hoping that the four of us getting together will help all of us to just trust each other and all get along.

[Darren Steez]

Haha this tale is good. Excellent!

[road]

Haha this tale is good. Excellent!

 

 

Now she is double dating with her OM and is still flirting and touching her OM in front of her BF and the BGF. Priceless. I done with this thread.

[thecharade]

Omg.

I wish you could see how inappropriate your attitude and actions are.

[Zahara]

but she hates when I flirt with him. It's sad because we were friends before she and Jay got together, and now it's like we hate each other. Last night it even got a little physical. At one point she yelled 'keep your f***ing hands off him" and then she actually grabbed my arm HARD and tried to pull me off of him!!! I even still have this red mark on my arm.

 

You're either 1) incredibly clueless or 2) selfish and entitled.

 

I think it's #2. You see nothing wrong with disrespecting the boundaries of your relationship with your boyfriend and her relationship with Jay. You do what you want regardless of how it impacts other people. Unbelievable.

[Poutrew]

Thanks for all the replies. I've been too busy too reply until now, but I've considered everyone's input and it has helped me to analyze this situation better.

 

I know my relationship with Jay is platonic, but I can understand what you all are saying. That is why I cut back on how much time I spend with him, and basically spend a lot of time with my bf now. Mark, me, Jay, and his gf are also going out tomorrow night, and I think that all of us getting together will help to alleviate Mark's concerns, as well as Jay's gf's concerns.

 

As far as what Jay's gf thinks, she also gets jealous just like Mark does. She doesn't like me touching him in front of her, and she also doesn't like it him hanging out at my place without her. I've assured her that there is nothing going on but friendship between Jay and I, but she hates when I flirt with him. It's sad because we were friends before she and Jay got together, and now it's like we hate each other. Last night it even got a little physical. At one point she yelled 'keep your f***ing hands off him" and then she actually grabbed my arm HARD and tried to pull me off of him!!! I even still have this red mark on my arm.

 

But at any rate, I'm hoping that the four of us getting together will help all of us to just trust each other and all get along.

 

WOW:laugh:

 

I certainly hope you post as soon as you can after you get released from the hospital, telling us about the free-for-all that's gonna happen tomorrow night! This girl hates your guts, and it is because she can still picture you and her boyfriend doing the monkey dance with each other. Mark is probably going to duce Jay a good one too. I kinda wish I was going to be a fly on your wall, OP. Girl fights are always so entertaining to watch, especially when they start ripping each other's cloths off... Benny Hill will be smiling impishly from his grave

Anyway, after the bruises and broken bones heal, you can go away from this all with a valuable life lesson... don't mix ex and current lovers together.

[Miss Peach]

OP - I can relate. Most of my friends are male. I have one long-term male friend in particular that's made it difficult between BF and I. As things have gotten more serious with BF I have made BF (and also made him feel) like the priority. I'm not planning on completely cutting out my male friends but some of the ones who I was closer to I had to become more boundared with out of respect for my BF and wanting to do right for our relationship. This guy is still a friend (and I have a lot of triggers about being expected to give up friends for a guy) but it's not as close as it used to be.

 

My situation is a little different because the friend won't meet the BF. The friend has never been interested in my dating life. So it's definitely putting me in an awkward spot and I would totally understand if BF questions that. Part of why my friendship has declined so much is this friend's refusal to blend more into my life as it is now and not as it was years ago when we met and were both single.

[jasmineb]

I see where you're coming from but I don't see how it's "lying" to just not reveal everything all at once. I already said I will tell him more when the timing is better.

 

And for the record Jay is not an "ex-lover". I actually have no ex-lovers as I am a committed Christian and my faith does not permit premarital sex. Jay and I were just good friends back in high school who did some experimenting when we were drunk. Like I said, it happened a long time ago and we both are clear that we just wish to remain friends. Jay knows this and I know this. Yes, we still flirt a lot and have a physical attraction to each other, but there have been numerous opportunities and we have yet to succumb to temptation. So I know there is no need for my bf to worry or be jealous, and I see no reason why I should have to cut my bff out of my life. I just feel like he should trust me and know nothing is going on, like I trust him.

 

I am a bit puzzled that you think that at the 2 year mark you haven't been together long enough to be completely open about this friend. The Christian faith has much to say about deceit and lying - to others AND to oneself.

 

It seems to me that you ARE hiding things from your boyfriend because you know how he would feel. And if that is the case, then I would label this friendship more of an emotional affair.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for all the replies. I've been too busy too reply until now, but I've considered everyone's input and it has helped me to analyze this situation better.

 

I know my relationship with Jay is platonic, but I can understand what you all are saying. That is why I cut back on how much time I spend with him, and basically spend a lot of time with my bf now. Mark, me, Jay, and his gf are also going out tomorrow night, and I think that all of us getting together will help to alleviate Mark's concerns, as well as Jay's gf's concerns.

 

As far as what Jay's gf thinks, she also gets jealous just like Mark does. She doesn't like me touching him in front of her, and she also doesn't like it him hanging out at my place without her. I've assured her that there is nothing going on but friendship between Jay and I, but she hates when I flirt with him. It's sad because we were friends before she and Jay got together, and now it's like we hate each other. Last night it even got a little physical. At one point she yelled 'keep your f***ing hands off him" and then she actually grabbed my arm HARD and tried to pull me off of him!!! I even still have this red mark on my arm.

 

But at any rate, I'm hoping that the four of us getting together will help all of us to just trust each other and all get along.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Wow.....I am getting my popcorn ready for the next installment.

 

She used to be your friend and now she isn't...hmmm wonder how that happened? Probably about the time she figured out you like to put your hands on Jay perhaps? Don't take my word for it. Why don't you just ask her when you are running your fingers through Jay's hair next time? My guess is that you'll probably have more than a red mark.

[jasmineb]

If you and Jay are platonic...why are you flirting with him and WHY were in a position where she had to pull you OFF him?

 

Dearie, you are either very naive or very insensitive.

[salparadise]

If you and Jay are platonic...why are you flirting with him and WHY were in a position where she had to pull you OFF him?

 

Dearie, you are either very naive or very insensitive.

 

Clueless, no boundaries, no empathy. Only rationalizations.

[frus69]

You and Jay....:lmao: smh

 

 

You two need to stop ruining other people's lives

[whichwayisup]

Hi, I'm having a bit of a problem with my bf and need advice. We've been in a relationship for 2 yrs now. He is 24, I'm 21. We are both deeply in love and trust each other, but our relationship has gotten to the point where we are sharing a lot regarding our pet peeves and other personal things, and it seems that he's been asking me an awful lot of questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Jay), who has been a very close friend of mind since high school. His questioning surprised me, because although Jay is basically my bff and is over here a lot, I haven't told my bf much about him yet. I think one of my two roommates have been telling my bf about us, I'm not sure, but he definitely knows more about us than what I've told him, so he must have some outside sources.

 

But anyways, even though I've assured him that I only see Jay as a platonic friend, I'm getting the impression that he doesn't trust me. I can tell by his body language and by some of his comments. I admit I haven't told him all the details yet even though he's been pushing me, but I don't feel either of us should expect to know everything at this stage of our relationship. I had also asked him about some of his past flings and he also didn't tell me a lot of details, but I didn't press him about it, so I expect the same from him. My bf, however, keeps prying me about it, and it's really getting annoying. He even got a little mad yesterday when I told him Jay and I were studying together, which we were, and my roommates were also there. He knows that Jay and I have the same major and so we study together a lot, but only with my roommates there, and I would never lie. But last night I could tell he was stressing out about it. I can only conclude that one of my roomies has been telling him stuff, but I'm not sure which one it is.

 

What should I do? I know for a fact that Jay and I are just platonic friends because we already experimented in that area and it didn't work out. Eventually, we both met other people and moved on, but we remained very close and dear friends. And since we began seeing other people I've noticed that we've really toned down on our flirting and we are acting much more like just friends now. But because of how close we are I can understand how some people might get the wrong impression, and I think that is what happened with one of my roommates.

 

What do you think I should do? I don't want to get into an argument with him about it, but his questioning and body language is really getting on my nerves!!

 

Reverse the situation and ask yourself how YOU would react if it was your boyfriend having a female best friend, one that he experimented with but it didn't work out, yet they still spend A LOT of time together. Would you totally be okay with this scenario? Be honest. My guess would be no, you'd be wondering and a bit concerned, especially if the girl was still into him.

 

This comes down to how invested you are in your boyfriend or how attached you are to this guy best friend. You may have to decide which is more important...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the replies. I've been too busy too reply until now, but I've considered everyone's input and it has helped me to analyze this situation better.

 

I know my relationship with Jay is platonic, but I can understand what you all are saying. That is why I cut back on how much time I spend with him, and basically spend a lot of time with my bf now. Mark, me, Jay, and his gf are also going out tomorrow night, and I think that all of us getting together will help to alleviate Mark's concerns, as well as Jay's gf's concerns.

 

As far as what Jay's gf thinks, she also gets jealous just like Mark does. She doesn't like me touching him in front of her, and she also doesn't like it him hanging out at my place without her. I've assured her that there is nothing going on but friendship between Jay and I, but she hates when I flirt with him. It's sad because we were friends before she and Jay got together, and now it's like we hate each other. Last night it even got a little physical. At one point she yelled 'keep your f***ing hands off him" and then she actually grabbed my arm HARD and tried to pull me off of him!!! I even still have this red mark on my arm.

 

But at any rate, I'm hoping that the four of us getting together will help all of us to just trust each other and all get along.

 

Why are you 'touching' Jay? And why are you flirting with him??!! Best friends don't flirt. Best friends have genuine respect for each other and they certainly have boundaries and lines that aren't crossed.

 

You obviously have no boundaries and don't understand relationships.

 

Seems to me you and Jay are too emotionally attached to each other and it's affecting your relationship with your boyfriend and his relationship with his girlfriend.

[bubbaganoosh]

No, I would not be "100%" ok with it, but like I said if it was only experimenting and it was back in high school, and if the girl was in a relationship with another guy, then I would be very understanding.

 

Now, if I saw him flirting I would probably get really jealous, but I make sure never to flirt with my friend in front of him, out of respect to him and our relationship. My roommates, however, have probably told him how much we flirt, which IMO is probably what started this whole problem.

 

Also, understand that since he started questioning me, I have tried to cut back on the time Jay is over here.

 

You've been seeing this guy for a couple years so good friend or not, you shouldn't be flirting with him at all alone or around friends.

 

I'd bet everything I own that if you found out that your boyfriend was studying with a girl who was his BFF and they were flirting, you would have had it out with him and given him the choice or broke up with him.

 

It boils down to simple respect for your boyfriend and if you cant give him that one consideration then cut him loose so he can find someone that will. Seems like you want to take and there's no give in this situation. I'll bet your friends girlfriend would be plenty pissed if she found out you two were flirting

[Hughes101]

Hi, I'm having a bit of a problem with my bf and need advice. We've been in a relationship for 2 yrs now. He is 24, I'm 21. We are both deeply in love and trust each other, but our relationship has gotten to the point where we are sharing a lot regarding our pet peeves and other personal things, and it seems that he's been asking me an awful lot of questions about a certain guy friend of mine (Jay), who has been a very close friend of mind since high school. His questioning surprised me, because although Jay is basically my bff and is over here a lot, I haven't told my bf much about him yet. I think one of my two roommates have been telling my bf about us, I'm not sure, but he definitely knows more about us than what I've told him, so he must have some outside sources.

 

But anyways, even though I've assured him that I only see Jay as a platonic friend, I'm getting the impression that he doesn't trust me. I can tell by his body language and by some of his comments. I admit I haven't told him all the details yet even though he's been pushing me, but I don't feel either of us should expect to know everything at this stage of our relationship. I had also asked him about some of his past flings and he also didn't tell me a lot of details, but I didn't press him about it, so I expect the same from him. My bf, however, keeps prying me about it, and it's really getting annoying. He even got a little mad yesterday when I told him Jay and I were studying together, which we were, and my roommates were also there. He knows that Jay and I have the same major and so we study together a lot, but only with my roommates there, and I would never lie. But last night I could tell he was stressing out about it. I can only conclude that one of my roomies has been telling him stuff, but I'm not sure which one it is.

 

What should I do? I know for a fact that Jay and I are just platonic friends because we already experimented in that area and it didn't work out. Eventually, we both met other people and moved on, but we remained very close and dear friends. And since we began seeing other people I've noticed that we've really toned down on our flirting and we are acting much more like just friends now. But because of how close we are I can understand how some people might get the wrong impression, and I think that is what happened with one of my roommates.

 

What do you think I should do? I don't want to get into an argument with him about it, but his questioning and body language is really getting on my nerves!!

 

Well your boyfriend doesn't wish to be cuckolded and i can't say i blame him.

 

He's sensed that there's a history with you 2 despite you omitting this truth from him.

 

Maybe you should think about the reverse situation (but imagine that he had options) and see if you would be ok with it.

[Alamo657]

Presenting former sexual partners as best buddy to your current bf is seen as a puddle of unresolved feelings who will fire up as soon as the relationships encounters problems. Its lack of experience on your part. One day youll feel down in a rs and will have sex with your "friend", its normal for your bf to feel threatened.