Gaslighting or something else? Or is it me?

[Elsy]

I ended a nearly 10-year relationship with my ex-boyfriend with whom I lived for 7 of the 10 years.

 

About 3 years into our relationship he was put on night shift at his job. He was not happy about it and our nightly telephone calls became negative (him complaining, me listening). The negativity started eating at me and I became less talkative on the calls. Then bizarre instances of "miscommunications" for lack of a better word started.

 

For example: we're in the car on the way to a family event and he asks me if I can take him to drop off his motorcycle for repair the following day. I said (exact quote), "That's not really convenient for me, can we do it Tuesday or next weekend?" His response: "I can't believe you just said that to me!!!"

 

After a moment of thought, I asked him what I said to upset him. He told me he couldn't believe that I would speak to him the way I just did. His original request did not upset me and we hadn't been arguing, so I responded the way I would to anyone asking me a similar question. I reminded him that my son's birthday was the next day and I was having a dinner party, hence the inconvenient timing. He told me that I should have chosen different words.

 

I didn't see anything wrong with the words I'd chosen and explained that there was no hidden meaning. I asked why he was so upset and told him that it was really confusing that he would take it so hard. I tried to get to the bottom of it but he became irritated that I was asking too many questions. The rest of the car ride was in silence.

 

Another time we were coming home from an outing and he made a wrong turn taking us away from the freeway instead of toward it. I figured he had something else in mind so I said nothing. After driving for a bit, I gently said that the freeway was in the opposite direction. That had pretty much the same impact as the previous example. I started to see a pattern emerging.

 

He was laid off from his job around 2009 or so. He had a hard time and did not find a new job for an entire year. During that time I was mindful of his situation and how it must have made him feel. We lived in my condo, and my salary was about one and a half times what his had been. With his unemployment and my salary we did just fine. Our lifestyle really didn't change except we didn't eat out as much. I was very careful to avoid doing or saying anything that could be interpreted that he was a burden in any way.

 

I was engaged with him in his job search and listened to whatever it was he encountered that day. He was definitely having cabin fever, as he doesn't like to sit still for long.

 

At some point after he finally got a job, he made a comment to me how I had not been supportive of him during the entire time of his unemployment. It knocked the wind out of me. I was so deeply hurt by that comment and I told him it hurt me.

 

Fast forward a bit...big surprise, we're having relationship problems. He routinely turned innocent remarks into fighting words. I started pulling back because I didn't know what I was doing to trigger him. If I'd been being a bitch at least it would've made sense to me. It was really taking it's toll on me and I began sinking into depression. I have chronic depression but had been managing very well for many years. We sought counseling and it actually made our interactions worse. I barfed all my stuff out for everyone to hear and he stayed closed. It was very frustrating. At times when I would tell him I needed him, his new slogan was, "I only give what I get." Very, very hurtful. My depression continued to worsen.

 

The last example I will give is that he was in a serious motorcycle accident right before Christmas in 2013. I took a total of about 3 weeks off of work to care for him after the initial accident and surgery and one additional surgery. I did everything a caregiver does for someone who is laid up. I went to every doctor appointment. I even made up menus for him to choose food from (just to be funny). When I did go back to work, I made sure everything he needed for the day was within reach. We got along very well during that period even though I was exhausted. At the end of that four month period he told me that he thought it had been great and that it seemed that things were "back to normal" between us, but after he got better I went back to being how I was before (which obviously meant "not good").

 

My depression was getting worse. I pulled away from people and avoided social situations. I was fatigued--pretty much a zombie. The strain between us was palpable. I encouraged him to go out with his buddies and have fun and said I didn't expect him to have to stay home with me (after which I would cry the whole time he was gone because I felt so alone). I had lost interest in doing all of the fun things we used to do. I even became afraid of riding my motorcycle (or on the back of his) and scuba diving to the point of panic attacks.

 

One evening I came home from work and had been crying in the car due to events of that day. When I tried to tell him what had happened (I was very emotional at this point) he became extremely irritated with me and said I interrupted him. He then turned his head away from me. Rejection with a capital R. I felt disrespected and thought that was just mean. He denied turning his back on me, but it was such a dramatic flipping of the head that it couldn't be misinterpreted. At the end of the huge argument that followed, he announced he was moving out for a week or two; that he couldn't take it anymore. I let him go and didn't reach out to him. He moved in with his mom. Two months went by and I got a text from him saying he thought it was weird that we hadn't talked.

 

We got together and talked and agreed to go back to counseling and figure out whatever was going on with our communications. I told him that I was worried that if we stayed apart for longer than six months that it would be hard to turn the situation around. He said he didn't want to feel pressured.

 

We tried to "start over" dating and talking on the phone a couple of times a week. He started spending one night during the week with me and most weekends. He then became irritated that I didn't make the time to go out and stay with him at his mom's (35 miles from my place). I said, "But it's your mom's house!" It's like going to a motel, just hanging out in his room watching tv. He still had all of his personal care products and sufficient clothing at my house to where he didn't have to pack to come over. I have our dog and no personal items at his mom's house, so I had to literally pack up all my **** and the dog's and sit in traffic for an hour each way to go spend the night with him. I felt it was easier for him to come to me. He said he was the only one doing the [relationship] work.

 

That was nearly two years ago. He never did move back in with me, though we did go to counseling and did some self-help reading together. I was very fragile at this point but hopeful. Counseling was a big bust again. He never opened up nor took any responsibility for anything. I must add that one of his big sticking points was that he wanted to get married and I didn't (we're 49 and 57).

 

I became afraid for myself--the thinking that life wasn't worth living kind of afraid. My doctor told me about some treatments (TMS - transcranial magnetic stimulation) that she thought I should consider. It cost me a fortune because it's largely not covered by insurance but I did it. And it saved my life. I also had some genetic testing done and found that I have an enzyme in my brain that destroys dopamine before it has a chance to do any good. The treatments and some targeted medication and I feel so much better now. I'm grateful that I was able to do that for myself. That was one year ago. He did not know about the thoughts that had been going through my head.

 

In early February he and I were talking on the phone and he said, "You know I'm leaving on Wednesday." I said, "No I don't, where are you going?" He told me it was a trip with one of his buddies (some monster truck thing or something) and that he was sure I knew because he thought I had overheard him talking about it. (WTF?) I wished him a good time and when he got back I broke up with him saying that he did not respect me nor care about how that made me feel. I told him I wanted my life back and that I couldn't be myself when I am around him.

 

That was the day after Valentine's Day. I felt an incredible sense of relief and freedom. But now I'm having a delayed grief reaction where I feel so down that you would think it just happened yesterday. I took the last 2 weeks off of work because I couldn't bear the thought of dealing with all of THAT stress. I have now found myself missing him. (What about him do I miss, really?) It did feel really good when he would occasionally wrap his arms around me.

 

That's how I found this forum--out of desperation. I've initiated NC, which in this case means that I blocked he and his friends and family from my Facebook account. I hadn't been communicating with him at all. I did write an email to his mother telling her I was sorry about how things worked out and that I loved her and the family and asked her to make sure she told them that. That's it, no other contact. I've packed up what little stuff he had left here and sent it to him. I gave away our bed and bought a new one.

 

Other than my struggle with depression, I am a good person. I work hard and have a good job. I am a gentle soul. I don't argue with people. I am however, independent and stubborn in some ways. I usually speak my mind. I've never had a relationship where there was so much bickering. Even when I was married for 13 years we didn't fight like this--and we always made up .

 

I'm so confused. I know my depression was hard on him and I've acknowledged and apologized for that on numerous occasions. I've pleaded with him to let down his wall; move out of his comfort zone of self-protection. Nope, Nothing. How is me needing him to care for me during a low point in my life any different than the months I took care of him after his accident? And how on earth is his bizarre behavior related to any of that?

 

I am a fully functioning, gainfully employed, genuinely nice human. What the hell was going on with us? And am I really destined to be single because -- according to many posts on these forums -- "mental illness" is a dealbreaker.

 

Does any of this behavior sound familiar? I just learned the term "gaslighting" the other day. Is that what i've been through? I feel like I've been abused.

 

This is the bad stuff. There was plenty of good stuff too for me to believe that the relationship could be healed.

 

Sorry for the length, but I tried to cram 10 years into one post for clarity. If you lasted this long, thanks for hearing me out.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Elsy

[camillalev]

He sounds like an insensitive as*hole tbh. You've been very accommodating and supportive of him during his many times of need and it doesn't sound like he's been that way towards you at all. You need support, especially if you're suffering from depression. That's what loved ones do for us, they support us when we need it. This relationship seems unhealthy and one-sided. Do you really want to stay? Or is it because of familiarly and comfort?

[Elsy]

Familiarity is always a draw. There wasn't much comfort. The loss is more than just him, it's his entire family whom I loved and they loved me back. I have little family of my own, only my two grown kids and their significant others. My parents have been gone a long time. So much damage. Intellectually, I know the relationship was unhealthy. It's like he has no insight into his own behaviors and is immature in some ways. Anyway, I don't believe there is any going back. It would take a freakin' miracle for that to happen. I wanted to hear, "I'm so sorry for walking out on you. I didn't realize what you were going through and I should've been there for you." I don't see that happening. I practically begged for that. He would say, "I said I'm sorry what more do you want from me?" You know, putting it all down in writing shines a harsh light on the reality of it all. It's cathartic too. I just don't know if I have the mental energy to start all over again with someone new. I suppose though, if a tidy, handsome package ended up on my doorstep, I might think differently. I feel like I've literally lost a decade of my life.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Elsy

[camillalev]

Staying with him will probably do more harm than good. He treats you badly and it will eventually effected your self confidence/self esteem/etc. seems like it already has. you put up with bad behavior long enough and you begin to believe you deserve it or it's the best you can do. It's not. You can be with a guy that is supportive and loving, not some jag a*s that moved out on you and hasn't supported you when you need it. You mentioned having suicidal thoughts. That's extremely serious. You can do so much better. It's hard as hell especially with depression(I know) but you need to let him go. Doesn't sound like he'll change. Do you have close friends?

[Elsy]

It definitely affected my self esteem and confidence to the point where I didn't trust myself to do things that I'd never given a second thought to. I went from believing I could do anything I put my mind to--to an existence of self-doubt and fear. I felt like I was on the outside of life looking in and not able to participate. The pain was physical. I began to wish that something would "happen to me." I don't think I would actually harm myself though, because I can't stomach the idea of what it would do to my kids. Nonetheless the thoughts were there.

 

I don't have any close friends, except my daughter whom I'm very close to (she's 35). I have a wonderful psychiatrist. Other than that I tough it out on my own. I have to say though, after finding this forum just a few days ago, I've gone from crying off and on all day to realizing that today I haven't felt like crying at all. It's wonderful to feel the support of people I'll never meet. It's personal and anonymous at the same time making it easier to be uninhibited and accomplishing more in a few paragraphs than weeks of psychological counseling.

[Elsy]

I was feeling better but I broke NC by visiting his online dating profile. Yeah, he's not wasting any time. I bawled my eyes out and now I feel awful. I don't know why I do this to myself! I guess I'm looking for some hint that he misses me. He probably doesn't and I certainly don't know why I'd expect to find it on a dating site.

 

The rejection I'm feeling is so painful because it originated from something that was out of my control. I feel that he was punishing me for my depression.

 

Even though he's the one who moved out two years ago, I'm the one who officially ended it because I felt that if I had the last word, I would feel empowered and it would ease my pain. It didn't work.

 

If I'd been mean to him, I could understand the dynamic. But I wasn't and I don't. Maybe this is just who he is. No one else sees it though--it's behind-closed-doors behavior. Maybe his future relationships will end up the same.

 

He was divorced in 1998 and single until we met in 2006. He blamed his ex-wife for everything. In fact for years he only referred to her as "that person." I had asked him why he didn't say her name and he'd told me she didn't deserve to be called by name. I eventually made him say it (but it was after several years). Is he talking about me the same way now? He was only married for 2 years, we were together for the better part of 10 years. He never liked or understood the fact that I get along with my ex-husband. Of course we had to stay connected because we have a son. We were married for 13 years.

 

I went back to work today after two weeks off (mental health break). I still don't feel equipped. I'm scared that I won't be able to do my job and then I don't know where I'll end up. It feels like I'll lose everything I've worked hard for (I bought my home before I met him). I could slap myself for torturing myself. In the "old" days there was no social media so we couldn't track someone's activities. We didn't know what they were up to unless we found out in person or someone told us. I hope I've learned my lesson. At least my boss won't be in to work tomorrow, so I can relax a little.

 

What a mess.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Elsy