Trying the find the strength

[Pixie_85]

Hi guys

 

I have been with my husband for 10.5 years, married for 4 of those. I have been unhappy for the last say 3 years and incredibly unhappy for at least 12 months. I am 31 this year and I have no children.

 

I have been wanting to end my marriage for a loooooong time and move on with my life. My husband doesn't make me happy anymore. I feel like we are totally incompatible, we have totally different interests, nothing in common and nothing to talk about besides work. We have had sex once since August last year.we used to fight a Lot but in the last year we don't find much - I feel like it is because I gave up. My husband makes no effort to make me feel special even though in the past I have tried to tell him how happy it would make me feel if he did. I can't remember the last time he told me I looked nice, if I get my hair done he just shrugs and at times he has criticised me for dressing up. I'm hardly perfect but I am sooooo tired of asking him to love me. I can't talk to him about it, I have tried for years but he just shuts down, literally turns his back or walks away, or becomes aggressive and starts blaming me for whatever the problem is.

 

I want to end my marriage but I feel so incredibly guilty for leaving him. I feel like I am going to ruin his life, ruin him for any other women (I want him to be happy) and that I will receive all the blame for everything that has gone wrong. I am dreading the pain that I will inflict even though we are both unhappy now. I feel so responsible for his happiness and the idea of hurting him absolutely crushes me, but I can feel my soul dying with every month that passes and I have done nothing except live in misery. I don't want to live like this, I want a man who will love me fiercely and have fun with me and just thrive on being happy with me and possibly having a family one day. I am seeing a shrink to help me cope and she says that I have already checked out emotionally. We did she a counsellor together a few times but it just felt like a waste of time because he wasn't interested and nothing changed.

 

I would love some advice from other people about how you found the strength to leave, how you dealt with the guilt and how you took the steps towards moving on. Thank you.

Edited March 28, 2016 by Pixie_85

[Empire87]

People don't change unless they're forced with consequences. Have you suggested or gone to counseling with him? If not tell him it's something you have to do otherwise you can't be married anymore.

 

If you've done that and nothing changed, proceed to seeing a divorce lawyer. This is something that you'll need to do in order to get past that denial stage where you're putting it off so it's not actually real in Your.

 

Perhaps most importantly... Realize that the longer you wait, the less chance you have of finding the happiness you want with another person. If you are someone who wants kids, then you need to divorce your husband, find your individual way to support yourself and live and then begin dating etc. If you wait another year or more then you're decreasing your chances of having children and increasing the odds of birth defects with each year that passes.

 

31 and single isn't the end of the world or uncommon. 40 and single for the first time since you were 20 is a lot diff

[TaraMaiden2]

"The person who cares the least controls the most."

 

"He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend their entire life on one leg".

 

Mull over these two truisms, then ask yourself for just how much longer you are going to perpetuate your own unhappiness and misery, simply because you persist in putting his indifference before your freedom.

 

How long did he manage to survive without you before he met you?

It doesn't sound to me as if he would find it hard to get over you if you go.

Trust me - you are not, and never will spoil him for other women.

 

You basically have no emotional ties (children) so really, all it would take, is a walk.

 

If you feel responsible for his happiness (which, incidentally, you most certainly are NOT!) then surely, by your logic, he should also have been responsible for yours?

How is that working for you then?

 

Nobody is responsible for anyone's happiness but their own.

You are not made or validated by the actions of another person. Your happiness is not dependent on their presence.

 

You - make you happy.

So far, you're making a bit of a mess of that, right....?

 

In order for you to both be happy, you need to put all your 100% into your 50% of the relationship.

If you're doing all you can to maintain your half, but he's putting in 10%, you can't make up his 90% deficit while maintaining your 100% of your half.

Can't be done.

It's a partnership.

 

It sounds to me by what you say, that he's reneged on the business contract; the agreement is null and void.

 

File.

You have a whole lot more to gain, than to lose, by doing so.

And in order to find the man you so desperately crave, you will have to first walk away from this one, right?

[DevastatedDiva]

"The person who cares the least controls the most."

 

"He who deliberates fully before taking a step will spend their entire life on one leg".

 

Mull over these two truisms, then ask yourself for just how much longer you are going to perpetuate your own unhappiness and misery, simply because you persist in putting his indifference before your freedom.

 

How long did he manage to survive without you before he met you?

It doesn't sound to me as if he would find it hard to get over you if you go.

Trust me - you are not, and never will spoil him for other women.

 

You basically have no emotional ties (children) so really, all it would take, is a walk.

 

If you feel responsible for his happiness (which, incidentally, you most certainly are NOT!) then surely, by your logic, he should also have been responsible for yours?

How is that working for you then?

 

Nobody is responsible for anyone's happiness but their own.

You are not made or validated by the actions of another person. Your happiness is not dependent on their presence.

 

You - make you happy.

So far, you're making a bit of a mess of that, right....?

 

In order for you to both be happy, you need to put all your 100% into your 50% of the relationship.

If you're doing all you can to maintain your half, but he's putting in 10%, you can't make up his 90% deficit while maintaining your 100% of your half.

Can't be done.

It's a partnership.

 

It sounds to me by what you say, that he's reneged on the business contract; the agreement is null and void.

 

File.

You have a whole lot more to gain, than to lose, by doing so.

And in order to find the man you so desperately crave, you will have to first walk away from this one, right?

 

This is absolutely amazing. I'm going to memorise it. Thank you. OP lots of truth here.