Update after .. 10+ years!

[Hard2Think]

For reference, I first posted this thread many, many moons ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/94408-i-m-mm-i-love-my-ow-now-what

 

The thread is long, so in summary, I was a married guy with two young children and a wife who didn't really seem to want to have much intimacy with me. I wound up having an intense affair and got caught. We spent years trying to patch things up with plenty of ups and downs.

 

Status today. My youngest started college last September. My job is in a major metropolitan area 3 hours plane ride away and so for the past few years I've been spending my weekdays there and coming home on weekends. My wife started a small business that she's very happy with and she really didn't want us to move to my work location.

 

Our sex life never really improved much. I know she tried to make an effort, but it was painfully obvious that is was just that; an effort. The sex was bare minimum in frequency and intensity. To me it felt liek she wanted to check off the box to say we had sex. Often she would just come over to me dressed in her hole-ridden "comfy" PJ's and say, "so, should we have sex?".

 

By the same token, she expects a great deal of time together talking, having nice dinners out, holding hands, etc. Which is all fine, I enjoy those things too. But over time, I felt like I was doing these things with a good friend more than an intimate lover.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying she's a bad person. She has alot of great qualities I admire and we share a long history together. It's just that I've come to realize too late that we've become hopelessly incompatible in the area of intimacy. I also realize that not only is it never going to be fixed, but that I wasted my best sexual years with her. I was 41 when I posted the link above. By then I had been sexually frustrated for years. Now I'm in my early 50's and I don't feel like I have much more time to waste. It's not even about finding someone else at this point. I'd just as soon by on my own at this point.

 

Initially I was counting down the days until my son would go to college so I could announce I'm leaving. Somehow, I didn't. In part, I felt guilty. Also she altered her behavior drastically as the day approached and was trying to be more pleasant.

 

But yesterday, I told her I'm staying at the town where I work and I'm not coming back. If she want to come and visit, she can. If not, that's OK, too. She obviously didn't take this too well, but she said she suspected it was coming. I've packed my things and I'm headed off tonight.

 

I'm posting this to offer perspective to those who are in the position I was 10+ years ago:

 

1) I stayed because I wanted to be with the kids. I didn't do it for them as a sacrifice. I really didn't want to only see them occasionally. I'm glad now that I did this. If you're considering leaving when you have young children, then I urge you to give it a second though. I doubt you'll regret it.

 

2) The sexless problem is never going to get fixed. Ever. She may try to pretend, but that's the best you'll get. Accept it. You won't fix it by doing more dishes, or by buying more flowers, or by any other method. I hate to say it, but the only time during our marriage she and I had really good sex was when she thought someone else wanted me for themselves.

 

3) Affairs are a mess. I regret how the whole thing unraveled. I became a pathological liar both to my wife and my mistress. I entire being was consumed with thinking about my affair partner and how to meet her, keep her happy, and keep her at bay. It was one of the most stressful periods of my life. On the other hand, sexual and emotional urges are powerful. Facing neglect from your spouse is worst that I imagined (I see this now in hindsight). I don't recommend an affair, but if you succumb in a case like this, try not to be to hard on yourself. My regret actually was not telling the wife right in the very beginning; like before the first date. If you can, tell your wife as early as you can. You're going to get caught anyway, so you may as well have the showdown in the very beginning before you mistress falls in love with you an your wife finds her at your doorstep. If there are any issues to examine in the marriage, that'll be the best time to do it before the conversation is all about how you're such a "filthy cheater".

 

Anyway that's about it. Thanks for listening. To any of you that offered my advice over the years, thanks again. It was wonderful to have you there. I helped more than you know.

[purplesorrow]

Looks like you were only seeing your kids on the weekend anyway. Why did you waste more of your wife's time? Secondly, just because things didn't change for you doesn't mean they won't for someone else. How did you change and help her after being caught?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes...it appears that you stayed to be with your kids...weekends only....and that you and your wife at least co existed to some degree if satisfaction for the both of your.

 

You did not say if you were faithful all these years of living apart....

 

You sound happy....and she sounds accepting so I guess you can proceed with very little friction.

 

Will you divorce?

[road]

Ending an affair.

 

 

Living 3 hours away 5 days a week.

 

 

It was never going to resolve the issues brought on by you having an affair.

 

 

Nor is only coming home for 2 days a week is going to resolve the issues that were in the marriage before the affair.

[Hard2Think]

Ending an affair.

 

 

Living 3 hours away 5 days a week.

 

 

It was never going to resolve the issues brought on by you having an affair.

 

 

Nor is only coming home for 2 days a week is going to resolve the issues that were in the marriage before the affair.

 

I wasn't clear. The out of town job started a year and a half ago. It wasn't over the past 10 years.

[wmacbride]

Sounds to me like you had checked out years ago even before the A, and your wife knew it.

[dichotomy]

Thanks for sharing your story. Your wife pulled away, you pulled away, then you both kind of tried to maintain status quo to raise your kids?

 

I hope both you and your soon to be ex wife find happiness in this new phase of your lives.

 

It would be interesting for you to check back in over the next year or two to report how both of you (you and your ex) have adapted to new lives with the kids away and you both free to pursue new lives.

 

I wonder whats next for you now in relationships and life. I suspect there will be some financial hits and emotional issues with a divorce (usually is).

Edited March 28, 2016 by dichotomy

[stillafool]

Glad to see you are finally leaving her. Good luck with your new life.

[sandylee1]

I just read the first 6 pages of your original thread. I just can't believe how awful your wife was..when you had hip surgery, when your dad was ill and when he died .

 

Why did you stay with a wife who went to teach an aerobics class ......and left you in the hospital recovery room for an hour? I'm just floored by the whole thing. Her actions show that she didn't love you. Then she was so horrible when your dad came to your house after having chemo. Wow.. just wow.

 

You should have left the marriage long before the OW came into your life.... never mind that your physical relationship was awful.

 

You can still find happiness and it's not to late to late for you to have a woman in your life who actually cares about you. Life expectancy is high these days .... divorce and be happy.

[CarrieT]

I commend you, OP, for your insight and clarity.

 

If it is any consolation, there are a number of people here who have remade their lives in their 50s to great acclaim (me, for one, and you might look up the threads of RobertZ, for another).

 

It isn't too late to find exceptional love AND sex in our later years....

[sandylee1]

What a roller coaster it was back then..... I see your ex OW was one hell of a crazy bi*** in the end eh. Coming to your house to see yorr wife with the evidence like that...... not a care in the world for your children and the trauma she could have caused by exposing in that aggressive manner.

 

It really never ceases to amaze me how OW get like psycho like that knowing fully well from the very beginning that the man is married.

 

Whilst your marriage was in a bad way before the A .... I don't know how your wife managed to stay after having the OW come over .... having that craziness brought home must have been absolutely horrendous for her.

 

OW was lucky your wife didn't turn on her like many BWS have, but she must have been shocked and shaken to the core.

 

Anyway.... move on and enjoy your life..... I hope you find happiness.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to go back an read your entire thread again before commenting, but wow! What on earth would make you guys think that being separated by a three hour plane ride would be okay? You had already experienced an infidelity in the marriage and the loss of trust that go hand in hand with that.

 

And shouldn't she be hitting menopause right about now? How is she dealing with it? How have you been dealing with it? You used to be something of an emotional sponge, absorbing all her feelings, I remember that much. If you're absorbing menopause from 3 hours away, no wonder things have slid sideways.

[Hard2Think]

What a roller coaster it was back then..... I see your ex OW was one hell of a crazy bi*** in the end eh. Coming to your house to see yorr wife with the evidence like that...... not a care in the world for your children and the trauma she could have caused by exposing in that aggressive manner.

 

It really never ceases to amaze me how OW get like psycho like that knowing fully well from the very beginning that the man is married.

 

Whilst your marriage was in a bad way before the A .... I don't know how your wife managed to stay after having the OW come over .... having that craziness brought home must have been absolutely horrendous for her.

 

OW was lucky your wife didn't turn on her like many BWS have, but she must have been shocked and shaken to the core.

 

Anyway.... move on and enjoy your life..... I hope you find happiness.

Thank you. Yeah the OW coming over is about as bad as it gets. But in all fairness, I pushed her over the edge a bit. I lied to her by letting her think I was ready to leave W for her any day now. Maybe part of me thought I would, but it was stupid of me to play around with her feelings like that.

 

My W could have been alot worse about it as well, even to me. She never told the kids about this nor did she share this with any of my family members (even though I did).

[Hard2Think]

I'm going to go back an read your entire thread again before commenting, but wow! What on earth would make you guys think that being separated by a three hour plane ride would be okay? You had already experienced an infidelity in the marriage and the loss of trust that go hand in hand with that.

 

And shouldn't she be hitting menopause right about now? How is she dealing with it? How have you been dealing with it? You used to be something of an emotional sponge, absorbing all her feelings, I remember that much. If you're absorbing menopause from 3 hours away, no wonder things have slid sideways.

Hi LadyJane! It's great to "see" you again. Funny I read my thread again just a short while ago. I can't believe I was such a nutcase.

 

Truth is, I think just seeing each other on weekends actually took the edge off a bit and made it easier to keep going a little longer. She's actually enjoying menopause, oddly enough. She's really happy about not getting any more of "those days". She's a very physically fit person, so I guess this got in the way She's got a nice successful business which she's passionate about and so I'm very happy for her.

 

But seriously, I'm happy as one can be given how things turned out. The kids are great and I'm close to both of them. They're also very close with her. While the kids were both at home, there was a reason to keep it together, but at this point, there's too much wrong and I just didn't find myself wanting to go back on weekends anymore. I'd rather do other things.

[DreamP]

I've been reading your story. Thanks for sharing. Seems like I am living your life 10 years ago. I am in my early 40s and have been dealing with lack of intimacy and other issues for years. I stay because my kids are young. I contemplated having an affair. Even went on AM website and started talking to men but then decided against it. Now I'm making a final ditch effort. This is it. If it doesn't work, then I'm heading the divorce way. Things have gotten bad where kids notice and say things. There is no point staying for the kids if they notice. My original plan was to hang in there until they went to college, but I feel like I'm setting a bad example of my daughter. I don't ever want her to live like I am doing.

 

Good luck as you take this new step.

[jenkins95]

DreamP and Hard2Think

 

I too am in a similar position to you both (now DreamP and when you wrote the OP Hard2think).

 

First of all Hard2think, I think you are a hero for coming back here after all this time for the primary purpose of supporting, advising and aiding others - massive respect to you and heart-felt thanks for that!

 

My marriage got into a rut years ago, but I think I am a lot more optimistic that it can be saved than perhaps either of you are/were. Stupidly, I had an affair. It ended a few months ago after D-day. I now really want to try to make my marriage healthy and happy and fulfilling again. Affairs are just dreadful - it hurt so many people and messed my mind up so much and I would never do it again. But at least it has opened the lines of communication (we are major conflict avoiders - major reason why I got into a rut in the first place). If I can't talk about my problems now with everything having been thrown open in the aftermath of my affair, then there's really not much hope for me!

 

I'd be very interested to know how Hard2Think coped with his intense feelings for the OW after the A ended. This is something I struggle with. I am so committed to reconciliation and really want to move forward (and for the OW to move forward), and yet I can't silence my nagging mind - I still find myself pining for her, although perhaps not as much as just after it ended. I guess that for Hard2Think, her turning Bunny Boiler helped you to see that perhaps she was a dangerous person to be involved with and therefore you found it easier let her go? But can I just ask, how long did you pine for her? Even after all the mess, did you ever feel like reaching out to her? When did you notice that you were pining less? When did you finally stop pining at all? Did you ever regret that you didn't try to make a go of things with her? Did she eventually leave your mind altogether, only coming back when you deliberately think of her?

 

And regarding your marriage, it sounds like even back then, you weren't too optimistic that your marriage could really work in the way that you wanted it to and that it was mainly to keep your family together that you stayed. Having said that, is there anything that you would have done differently over the past decade that perhaps could have avoided you getting to the point where you are now where you are basically finally giving up? It's great that you remain good friends with your W and you maintained a good, happy home until your kids left home. It truly is commendable - and I don't feel that, on the balance that you regretted staying, even though you had strong feelings for another. Is it true that you were basically just counting the days until your kids left home? Was it difficult for you both to live a decade with the spectre hanging over you that one day your marriage will probably end, or perhaps you didn't see it that way? Perhaps you always felt there was a chance? Perhaps it is only now that you have truly seen that there's not much chance that it can ever be satisfying in the way that you want?

 

Whatever,Hard2think, I wish you, your W and your kids nothing but the very best for the future! Like me, you messed up at one time in your life. But you seem like a great guy and now I think you deserve some breaks! Keep us posted on developments!

 

Any advice much appropriated!

 

J

 

I've been reading your story. Thanks for sharing. Seems like I am living your life 10 years ago. I am in my early 40s and have been dealing with lack of intimacy and other issues for years. I stay because my kids are young. I contemplated having an affair. Even went on AM website and started talking to men but then decided against it. Now I'm making a final ditch effort. This is it. If it doesn't work, then I'm heading the divorce way. Things have gotten bad where kids notice and say things. There is no point staying for the kids if they notice. My original plan was to hang in there until they went to college, but I feel like I'm setting a bad example of my daughter. I don't ever want her to live like I am doing.

 

Good luck as you take this new step.

Edited March 30, 2016 by jenkins95

[Ladyjane14]

Hi LadyJane! It's great to "see" you again. Funny I read my thread again just a short while ago. I can't believe I was such a nutcase.

 

Truth is, I think just seeing each other on weekends actually took the edge off a bit and made it easier to keep going a little longer. She's actually enjoying menopause, oddly enough. She's really happy about not getting any more of "those days". She's a very physically fit person, so I guess this got in the way She's got a nice successful business which she's passionate about and so I'm very happy for her.

 

But seriously, I'm happy as one can be given how things turned out. The kids are great and I'm close to both of them. They're also very close with her. While the kids were both at home, there was a reason to keep it together, but at this point, there's too much wrong and I just didn't find myself wanting to go back on weekends anymore. I'd rather do other things.

 

It's good to "see" you too, H2T!

Sorry to hear it's not a "happily ever after" though. As we get a bit older with so much of the day-to-day heavy-lifting behind us, kids grown, grandchildren glimmering in their eyes, and finally TIME to spend just being together, I would have liked to think you were out there enjoying it all. That said, you know your situation best and seem to be content with your decision, and that's important too... to be content in your own skin. No one can ever say you didn't "earn your way out" if you tried your hardest.

 

Like Jenkins though, I'm full of questions... Did the walls between you ever come down? If they did, how did they re-emerge?

 

What did you do right and what do you feel you did wrong in addressing the aftermath? What did your wife do that was right/wrong? Were your communications with one another open and honest or did they remain guarded?

 

I honestly think you're in a very unique position to help rebuilders avoid pitfalls here.

[Hard2Think]

It's good to "see" you too, H2T!

Sorry to hear it's not a "happily ever after" though. As we get a bit older with so much of the day-to-day heavy-lifting behind us, kids grown, grandchildren glimmering in their eyes, and finally TIME to spend just being together, I would have liked to think you were out there enjoying it all. That said, you know your situation best and seem to be content with your decision, and that's important too... to be content in your own skin. No one can ever say you didn't "earn your way out" if you tried your hardest.

 

Like Jenkins though, I'm full of questions... Did the walls between you ever come down? If they did, how did they re-emerge?

 

What did you do right and what do you feel you did wrong in addressing the aftermath? What did your wife do that was right/wrong? Were your communications with one another open and honest or did they remain guarded?

 

I honestly think you're in a very unique position to help rebuilders avoid pitfalls here.

 

Well, let me start with the affair part. Looking back, I believe deep down I was using the affair to throw a grenade in the mix to blow the marriage apart and get my W to notice. I a weird way, I think I wanted to prove to her that I had other choices. I could have accomplished all of that if I had simply informed her of my intention to see the OW the first time. That would have accomplished much of the same without the levels of mayhem and pain I caused for everyone. So if I had to do it over again, I would have told W that OW has expressed alot of interest in seeing me and I'd like to take her up on it. I'm pretty sure the discussion after that would have been productive without having taken the irreversible steps I took.

 

I didn't have any affairs after that even if I had various opportunities to do so. I also never spoke to OW again after that night she came to the house. It's not because I suddenly became a morally upright citizen, either. I didn't enjoy my affairs as a whole. Mostly because I hated the lying, the sneaking around and being a disappointment to all parties in the end. I just didn't want to deal with any of that again.

 

I'm relatively happy with how I handled the post affair. In large part, the people on this board were very helpful as were the various books on the subject I bought. I spent the better part of the two years after D-Day letting her say and do what she needed to do to feel better which probably helped her a great deal but was pretty rough for me, as you can imagine. I think that part was necessary, though and so I'm glad I let it happen. But in my experience, the A is never out of the picture. To this day, she'll slip an A related comment occasionally as a snide remark. I'm pretty sure 10 years from now that would be the case as well. My guess is that if your SO doesn't talk about your A anymore, he/she thinks about it often even many years later.

 

The walls did come down a bit, but not right away. I had a chance to work from home for nearly 2 years. She was working from 8 AM to 1 PM and so we were home together before the kids got home for at leats a couple of hours a day. That actually was difficult. I think she felt she "had" to be intimate with me if I were to stay, but she didn't want to. Because of this I avoided creating a situation where could have sex in order for her not to feel obligated and for me not to have to face the idea of my W doing a "chore". I'd say this was possibly one of the lowest points of our marriage.

 

Things didn't change until we sold everything we owned and moved to a big city in Europe (I don't want to say too much about myself here) where we both met when we started dating. We were out of the plush, comfortable suburbs, and in a major city in an apartment. This was new, it was exciting, it was fresh. The kids loved it. It was then that things changed for awhile. For 2 years after that, we were reconnected and she was visibly happier. I'm not recommending everybodyt change continents after an A, but a big change of scenery seems to help. get out of the house and the surroundings that reeks of the A and the unhappiness that surrounds it.

 

Before long, the intimacy started to wane again; but it never became the dry spell that we had before. Even so, it was getting to be a problem for me. The difference this time is that she was happy, she was distracted by all the things we could do on weekends and evenings. People to meet, dinners to go to, events to see, etc. So it seemed as though she had no time, but I could see that this was an excuse as well.

 

Since I was in my teens, I've been very athlectic. I mostly was interested in bodybuilding with some interruptions to engage in boxing and martial arts. Back here, I really got fully into bodybuilding and for the first time I dabbled in anabolic steroids (yeah, yeah .. spare me the lectures. I've done more research on this than any doctor I know. Long story). Besides being a great way for me to break through some plateaus, this stuff make me hornier than when I was 16. Of course, I was all over my W all the time. The reason I bring this up is that her reaction was the opposite of what I would have thought. She was very responsive. She was good to go with me 2x a day. She was trying new tricks in bed on her own initiative. We were both having a blast. We were texting each other 5x a day while I was at work. We were not just having sex as teens, but we were acting like it outside the bedroom as well. In part it may have been that she enjoyed being the object of such raw desire. But also she may have liked my cannonball shoulders

 

But like anything else, the novelty wore off over time as did the responses to my text messages and of course the frequency of sex. I think that I was starting to realize already that the biggest libido killer is boredom. When things are new and fresh; such as a new person, a new adventure, a new .. anything, then there's room for sexual excitement. Add a little absence and a touch of insecurity, and you're in for what you had when you were 20.

 

Sorry folks, I need to continue this later ..

Edited March 31, 2016 by Hard2Think

[jenkins95]

This is great stuff H2T. Please keep pouring this stuff out whenever you have a chance and inclination. Your experience could be truly invaluable to many of us just in the aftermath of affairs and feeling lost. Hopefully it may be therapeutic for you too to be getting all this out onto "paper"!

 

I feel we are all on the analyst's couch together with you on this thread!

 

Keep them coming!

[jenkins95]

I've been reading your story. Thanks for sharing. Seems like I am living your life 10 years ago. I am in my early 40s and have been dealing with lack of intimacy and other issues for years. I stay because my kids are young. I contemplated having an affair. Even went on AM website and started talking to men but then decided against it. Now I'm making a final ditch effort. This is it. If it doesn't work, then I'm heading the divorce way. Things have gotten bad where kids notice and say things. There is no point staying for the kids if they notice. My original plan was to hang in there until they went to college, but I feel like I'm setting a bad example of my daughter. I don't ever want her to live like I am doing.

 

Good luck as you take this new step.

 

Hi DreamP!

 

I know this may seem patronising, is obvious and is probably something you have heard, read and thought yourself a million times, but......Please, please do not have an affair. Do not explore any other relationship until/unless you are completely separated from your H. Hopefully it will never come to that. Put everything into this last ditch effort. Make sure he knows how high the stakes are and that he must meet you half way.

 

For me having an A worked for a little while. It was a magical escape from my mundane life into a world of fantasy, love, sex and pleasure. But very soon it starts to take more than it gives, and disaster strikes. People get hurt and your mind ends up like a plate of spaghetti. I've never felt guilt, sadness confusion and desperation like it - It only adds to your problems.

 

I know that you know all this and you already stated that you resisted - I admire you for that and wish I'd had your sense and resolve!

 

I just can't resist saying it every opportunity I get!

 

Keep posting anyway! Good luck DreamP - put 100% into this last effort. Then, even if you do end up walking you will have earned the right - keep us updated of developments

 

J

[Sassy Girl]

But yesterday, I told her I'm staying at the town where I work and I'm not coming back. If she want to come and visit, she can. If not, that's OK, too. She obviously didn't take this too well, but she said she suspected it was coming. I've packed my things and I'm headed off tonight.

 

Kudos for saying something...but I see tons of conflict avoidance here...

 

Are you ending the marriage? Are you divorcing? Are you opening yourself up to meet other women? Have you already engaged with another woman? What about finances? WHat if she does come to visit? WIll she stay with you? Is she expected to remain faithful? Are you?

 

WHat you explained above doesn't sound like you were very clear with your wife about your intentions...And by inviting her to be with you, well, you've left that open to all sorts of interpretation, including that you are still very much married.

 

I find your conversation vague at best. As will your wife.

 

I think someone else before me also asked the questions:

 

Are you divorcing; and have you remained faithful?

[elaine567]

It really never ceases to amaze me how OW get like psycho like that knowing fully well from the very beginning that the man is married.

 

 

Its about her ego, she didn't enter into the affair to be a permanent OW, her plan was to take over from the wife.

[Mr. Lucky]

1) I stayed because I wanted to be with the kids. I didn't do it for them as a sacrifice. I really didn't want to only see them occasionally. I'm glad now that I did this. If you're considering leaving when you have young children, then I urge you to give it a second though. I doubt you'll regret it.

 

I commend you for making it work for your kids. We have to pick both our battles and our goals in life. It would be nice to think we could have it all - successful career, happy family, passionate marriage, etc - but at some point most realize you have to prioritize some above others, cost and benefit. Sounds like, having dug yourself a hole, you chose a realistic way out. Doesn't sound to me like those post affair years were "wasted".

 

Like others, I'm confused by your present status ? The vagueness of your position - separated? divorcing? taking a break? - seems to conflict with the urgency you stated regarding not "having much more time to waste."...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jenkins95]

I commend you for making it work for your kids. We have to pick both our battles and our goals in life. It would be nice to think we could have it all - successful career, happy family, passionate marriage, etc - but at some point most realize you have to prioritize some above others, cost and benefit. Sounds like, having dug yourself a hole, you chose a realistic way out. Doesn't sound to me like those post affair years were "wasted".

 

Like others, I'm confused by your present status ? The vagueness of your position - separated? divorcing? taking a break? - seems to conflict with the urgency you stated regarding not "having much more time to waste."...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Excellent post Mr Lucky. Very wise words.

[Liam1]

But in my experience, the A is never out of the picture. To this day, she'll slip an A related comment occasionally as a snide remark. I'm pretty sure 10 years from now that would be the case as well. My guess is that if your SO doesn't talk about your A anymore, he/she thinks about it often even many years later.

Sadly, IMO, this type of behavior kills a good proportion of reconciliations after an infidelity.

 

I am lucky that my wife does not do this. My infidelity counselor warned her not to. At some point for the reconciliation to gel, the BS has to stop beating the WS over the head with the affair.

 

But like anything else, the novelty wore off over time as did the responses to my text messages and of course the frequency of sex. I think that I was starting to realize already that the biggest libido killer is boredom. When things are new and fresh; such as a new person, a new adventure, a new .. anything, then there's room for sexual excitement. Add a little absence and a touch of insecurity, and you're in for what you had when you were 20.

 

Sorry folks, I need to continue this later ..

This part concerns me. If you had married your OW this same thing will likely happen.

 

IMO, it is just realistic to expect that the sex won't be like 20 something wall banging sex all the time in a long term marriage.

 

Also, you are in your 50s and likely going through a mid life crisis.

 

So, if you leave your wife only because the sex is a bit boring you may later come out of your crisis and regret it.

 

With that said, if you are unhappy it is best to set both you and your wife free.

 

It does not seem as if the affair was a deal breaker for your wife, but the fact that you fell in love with your OW rather than just keeping it sexual, is a huge red flag that says you were always unhappy in the marriage and it had more to do with just sex.

 

I had an affair due to my wife not wanting sex, but I did not love the OW.

 

I love my wife. So when she comes to me in her hole filled PJs and wants to initiate sex, I think that's cute and just the fact that she initiated turns me on.

 

But that's just me and everyone is so different.

 

 

Well, let me start with the affair part. Looking back, I believe deep down I was using the affair to throw a grenade in the mix to blow the marriage apart and get my W to notice. I a weird way, I think I wanted to prove to her that I had other choices. I could have accomplished all of that if I had simply informed her of my intention to see the OW the first time. That would have accomplished much of the same without the levels of mayhem and pain I caused for everyone. So if I had to do it over again, I would have told W that OW has expressed alot of interest in seeing me and I'd like to take her up on it. I'm pretty sure the discussion after that would have been productive without having taken the irreversible steps I took.

 

I didn't have any affairs after that even if I had various opportunities to do so. I also never spoke to OW again after that night she came to the house. It's not because I suddenly became a morally upright citizen, either. I didn't enjoy my affairs as a whole. Mostly because I hated the lying, the sneaking around and being a disappointment to all parties in the end. I just didn't want to deal with any of that again.

 

I'm relatively happy with how I handled the post affair. In large part, the people on this board were very helpful as were the various books on the subject I bought. I spent the better part of the two years after D-Day letting her say and do what she needed to do to feel better which probably helped her a great deal but was pretty rough for me, as you can imagine. I think that part was necessary, though and so I'm glad I let it happen. But in my experience, the A is never out of the picture. To this day, she'll slip an A related comment occasionally as a snide remark. I'm pretty sure 10 years from now that would be the case as well. My guess is that if your SO doesn't talk about your A anymore, he/she thinks about it often even many years later.

 

The walls did come down a bit, but not right away. I had a chance to work from home for nearly 2 years. She was working from 8 AM to 1 PM and so we were home together before the kids got home for at leats a couple of hours a day. That actually was difficult. I think she felt she "had" to be intimate with me if I were to stay, but she didn't want to. Because of this I avoided creating a situation where could have sex in order for her not to feel obligated and for me not to have to face the idea of my W doing a "chore". I'd say this was possibly one of the lowest points of our marriage.

 

Things didn't change until we sold everything we owned and moved to a big city in Europe (I don't want to say too much about myself here) where we both met when we started dating. We were out of the plush, comfortable suburbs, and in a major city in an apartment. This was new, it was exciting, it was fresh. The kids loved it. It was then that things changed for awhile. For 2 years after that, we were reconnected and she was visibly happier. I'm not recommending everybodyt change continents after an A, but a big change of scenery seems to help. get out of the house and the surroundings that reeks of the A and the unhappiness that surrounds it.

 

Before long, the intimacy started to wane again; but it never became the dry spell that we had before. Even so, it was getting to be a problem for me. The difference this time is that she was happy, she was distracted by all the things we could do on weekends and evenings. People to meet, dinners to go to, events to see, etc. So it seemed as though she had no time, but I could see that this was an excuse as well.

 

Since I was in my teens, I've been very athlectic. I mostly was interested in bodybuilding with some interruptions to engage in boxing and martial arts. Back here, I really got fully into bodybuilding and for the first time I dabbled in anabolic steroids (yeah, yeah .. spare me the lectures. I've done more research on this than any doctor I know. Long story). Besides being a great way for me to break through some plateaus, this stuff make me hornier than when I was 16. Of course, I was all over my W all the time. The reason I bring this up is that her reaction was the opposite of what I would have thought. She was very responsive. She was good to go with me 2x a day. She was trying new tricks in bed on her own initiative. We were both having a blast. We were texting each other 5x a day while I was at work. We were not just having sex as teens, but we were acting like it outside the bedroom as well. In part it may have been that she enjoyed being the object of such raw desire. But also she may have liked my cannonball shoulders

 

But like anything else, the novelty wore off over time as did the responses to my text messages and of course the frequency of sex. I think that I was starting to realize already that the biggest libido killer is boredom. When things are new and fresh; such as a new person, a new adventure, a new .. anything, then there's room for sexual excitement. Add a little absence and a touch of insecurity, and you're in for what you had when you were 20.

 

Sorry folks, I need to continue this later ..