Wife playing hard to get? [updated 2016-07-05]

[Nony101]

I'll start off by saying that I've never been happy with the sex life in my relationship. We are well below any average that's out there, and have sex about once a month, that's probably being a bit generous. We might have a day where we're both talking a little dirty to each other all day, and she says she wants me to initiate. She's like wrapped herself in a ton of blankets, watching TV and playing on her phone. When I kiss her, she keeps it short, eyes glued to the TV instead of me. She had positioned her body in a way where I couldn't get close to her at all.

Thus happens all the time. I can't tell if she's just not interested, or she's playing hard to get. I give up relatively easily because quite frankly I feel embarrassed. Kissing on her and touching her with no response. Just a stone cold stare at the TV. For me to continue, it feels kind of like I'm forcing myself on her.

 

Am I reading the situation wrong? What's going on? I need to figure out how to be less beta in my relationship. She rarely does anything for me. Although she's constantly "not feeling well". It just gets old having to cater to her every whim while she just sits in bed all evening and requests things of me like I'm a waiter at a restaurant.

[sandylee1]

Why did you marry her if you were never happy with the sex?

 

Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Does she realise how it affects you?

You see..The problem here is that it was never good and yet you chose to marry her ... indicating it wasn't that important to you.

 

How old are you? Any kids ? How long have you been married?

 

You need to decide if you can live like this forever and of not ... don't waste any more of your years.

[stillafool]

I don't think she's sexually attracted to you. Sometimes this happens after you say "I do".

[kendahke]

It's time for you to grab the remote, turn off the television and tell her your marriage is very serious trouble. Give her the choice: either you both talk to a marriage therapist or you both go talk to divorce attorneys. Her choice.

 

Expecting you to to be chained to a marriage where she and she alone has decided that neglecting you is good policy is selfishness to its core and it cannot stand in a healthy marriage. That kind of behavior should not be rewarded by your silence on the matter. It's destructive, as you can see.

[Liam1]

I'll start off by saying that I've never been happy with the sex life in my relationship. We are well below any average that's out there, and have sex about once a month, that's probably being a bit generous. We might have a day where we're both talking a little dirty to each other all day, and she says she wants me to initiate. She's like wrapped herself in a ton of blankets, watching TV and playing on her phone. When I kiss her, she keeps it short, eyes glued to the TV instead of me. She had positioned her body in a way where I couldn't get close to her at all.

Thus happens all the time. I can't tell if she's just not interested, or she's playing hard to get. I give up relatively easily because quite frankly I feel embarrassed. Kissing on her and touching her with no response. Just a stone cold stare at the TV. For me to continue, it feels kind of like I'm forcing myself on her.

 

I am sorry to see another man going through this. It seems to be a very common problem among married men.

 

My wife did the same, after years of a satisfying normal sex life. At a point she unilaterally decided that sex was just not important to her anymore. She said it was a waste of time

 

When I approached her and tried to be romantic she would laugh and call me a pervert.

 

I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she would just laugh and say, "no" She would accuse me of only being married for sex and say sex was only a tiny part of marriage.

 

She repeatedly refused counseling.

 

IMO, you need to get her into counseling fast. A good counselor will let her know that you are either ripe for an affair or a divorce

 

If she wants neither, she will face up to her issues, IMO. She is acting selfish and entitled. She needs an objective third party to point this out.

[Marc878]

Have a serious talk with your entitled princess.

 

Sounds like your are to beta. This is the life you're making for yourself.

 

Do ya like it???????

[Marc878]

I am sorry to see another man going through this. It seems to be a very common problem among married men.

 

My wife did the same, after years of a satisfying normal sex life. At a point she unilaterally decided that sex was just not important to her anymore. She said it was a waste of time

 

When I approached her and tried to be romantic she would laugh and call me a pervert.

 

I asked her if she wanted a divorce, she would just laugh and say, "no" She would accuse me of only being married for sex and say sex was only a tiny part of marriage.

 

She repeatedly refused counseling.

 

IMO, you need to get her into counseling fast. A good counselor will let her know that you are either ripe for an affair or a divorce

 

If she wants neither, she will face up to her issues, IMO. She is acting selfish and entitled. She needs an objective third party to point this out.

 

You should have just filed first and put that ball in her court. Life is too short for a worthless marriage

[oldshirt]

This is actually a very serious situation.

 

 

She is not playing hard to get. In fact she is not playing at all. She has lost all respect and attraction for you. She is acting like an entitled princess that is free to treat you however she wants because you have been treating her like one.

 

 

You have been catering to her and beginner her audience and eating whatever leftover turd sandwich she throws your way. You have been accepting unacceptable behavior - so why should she change??

 

 

Your beta boy behavior has caused her to lose respect for you because however bad she treats you, you keep coming back for more and groveling even more for her attention and affection. This causes her to lose more respect for you which cause you to grovel and cater to her more and so on and so on and it becomes a viscious cycle.

 

 

The problem is women can't desire men they don't respect and so she has lost all attraction and desire for you as well.

 

 

The real risk here is while she has lost desire for you, she is still a 25 year old woman with healthy hormones and sexdrive and needs.....just not for you. You are at great risk here that she will meet a man that she respects and doesn't put up with her crap and she will become attracted to him and is at great risk of an affair.

 

 

cont.....

[oldshirt]

cont...

 

 

So what do you do about it??

 

 

You are going to have to fundamentally change how you live your life and how you interact with her.

 

 

First step is stop catering to her and treating her like a child or a princess (children do not desire their fathers and princesses do not desire their subjects)

 

 

If she is living on the couch, do not enable her. Do not fix her meals or deliver them to her. Do not pick up and clean her dirty dishes. Do not do her soiled laundry. do not pick up after her or cater to her in any way. If the couch becomes covered in food crumbs and dirty dishes and nasty laundry, let her lay in it.

 

 

If you have let yourself go and have put on weight and have grown slovenly, polish yourself up and get to the gym. Do what you would do if you divorced tomorrow and were back on the dating market. Get buffed up and update your wardrobe and start primping and preening and styling like you have a big date coming up.

 

 

Then get a life of your own. If she wants to lay on the couch, let her. But you go out and do something fun, social, healthy and fun. Join a coed sports league or fitness class. Join a club in a topic or hobby that interests you. Get out and meet fun and interesting people and have fun with them. Leave her to watch the Kardashians if that's what she wants to do.

 

 

In a matter of time one of two things is going to happen. One is that it will motivate her to get off her lazy, entitled butt and join you or risk losing you to someone else that shares your interests and does things with you.

 

 

Or you will wake up one day and realize that you have a better life without her and you will give her a real-world ultimatum that she either get off her duff or watch you drive away with all your stuff and leave the divorce papers on the table for her to sign.

 

 

In short, start living your life as if you are already divorced and you are already a single man (because essentially you already are, you just haven't started living your own life yet) So start living as if you are on your own and you have your whole life ahead of you and start doing what you want to do instead of following her around like a puppy hoping she pats you on the head and throws you a doggy treat.

 

 

You asked how you can be less beta ..... well you become less beta by starting to live life as a grown man.

 

 

The thing is, talking to her and threatening her and giving her ultimatums won't work until you are actually living your own life and are ready, willing and able to leave her behind. But the most important part of that is SHE HAS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE PERFECTLY READY, WILLING AND ABLE TO LEAVE HER BEHIND.

 

 

And you need to be prepared for the very real possibility that she is perfectly ok with you leaving.

[Nony101]

Wow, thank you for all the great responses. I'll respond more in depth later when I have some more time. While some of this stuff is hard to hear, this community has kept me going, and more importantly is always right. I thank you for that.

 

A few things to note, we've been married just shy of 3 years. We saved sex until marriage, so I had no idea what to expect. Also we are going to counseling here fairly soon, so I am both excited and nervous for that.

 

Thank you again!

[Liam1]

Wow, thank you for all the great responses. I'll respond more in depth later when I have some more time. While some of this stuff is hard to hear, this community has kept me going, and more importantly is always right. I thank you for that.

 

A few things to note, we've been married just shy of 3 years. We saved sex until marriage, so I had no idea what to expect. Also we are going to counseling here fairly soon, so I am both excited and nervous for that.

 

Thank you again!

 

I a really glad to hear you are going to counseling.

 

Your wife's lack of sex drive may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

According to my infidelity counselor, lack of sex is one of the most common complaints from husbands that she and her colleagues hear.

 

It seems that a lot of women lose interest in sex, after a long term relationship or marriage.

 

Although there are some men with low sex drive, it's typically a complaint the counselors hear from husbands, not wives.

 

I hope the counselor can get to the bottom of her issue.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I used to have a college gf like this. The first year plus we were infatuated with each other and had sex A TON. We were even talking about marriage. A couple years later, she was spreading her wings in college and I was in a rut and put on some weight. She was meeting new people. She told me she wanted to hold off on sex until marriage. Nothing wrong with that.

 

 

We grew further apart, no intimacy, she hanging with new friends and we eventually broke up. Looking back the whole "no sex until marriage" was just an excuse not to have sex with me. IIRC (it was a long time ago) after we broke up, she said she was not attracted to me anymore. She also had sex with a new guy within a month of our break up. Very painful for me.

[kendahke]

A few things to note, we've been married just shy of 3 years. We saved sex until marriage, so I had no idea what to expect. Also we are going to counseling here fairly soon, so I am both excited and nervous for that.

 

Thank you again!

 

This is why I'm so against waiting until marriage to have sex because you don't even know what you like enough to figure out if you want to live without it for the rest of your or her life. It sounds good in theory, but in practicum it leads to this. It's very rare that saving sex until marriage equals a sexually fulfilling marriage. Yes, there are a few who can leap this divide, but as I said, they are rare.

[oldshirt]

 

A few things to note, we've been married just shy of 3 years. We saved sex until marriage, so I had no idea what to expect. Also we are going to counseling here fairly soon, so I am both excited and nervous for that.

 

Thank you again!

 

In light of this info, my humble opinion is you simply got duped and sold a bad bill of goods.

 

Since you haven't said a word about her going to church or anything about religous beliefs, I think we can surmise that she is not now nor ever has been sexually attracted to you. My guess is she got married so she could have a servant to bring her food and take care of the house while she's on the couch watching the Kardashians.

 

It's honorable that you are attempting counseling and covering that base and checking off that box.

 

However be warned that counseling doesn't make people attracted, it doesn't make them ambitious and it doesn't change their core character.

 

What it does is opens up channels of communication so each knows where the other is coming from.

 

The counselor may be able to tell her the gravity of the situation, but if she doesn't want anything to change - it won't.

[ShatteredLady]

I'll give the same advise I've given before in these situations... Go to a hormone SPECIALIST.

 

I have friends whose lives have been completely changed. One describes herself as being turned into a horney teenaged boy overnight!!

 

Rather that slating your wife I'm going to look at it from a different angle. Is she sick? What you describe could be depression, fibromyalgia etc. only a doctor can tell her. How bad would you feel if you discovered that she's suffering from something serious.

 

Did YOU have any sexual experience before you married? Maybe reading some books or watching some 'real' (not idealized women porn) could help. If you were both virgins there could be a 'learning curve' to get past. She could be lacking confidence physically or sexually. Women aren't born knowing how to enjoy sex!!

 

One more thing... PLEASE don't throw the divorce word around unless you REALLY mean it. Marriage is based on a lot of things. Kill the security, safety, 'until death us do part' aspect & you've got even more issues.

[nymphetgrown]

Rather that slating your wife I'm going to look at it from a different angle. Is she sick? What you describe could be depression, fibromyalgia etc. only a doctor can tell her. How bad would you feel if you discovered that she's suffering from something serious.

 

She's right about the depression and the fibro. I've got a double whammy of that stuff. Fibro makes some activities too painful to be fun, for one thing! Depression is an energy suck: when I'm really down, I sleep more hours than I'm awake.

 

A GP, IC, and MC may be the best place for you two to start (over). Clean bill of health, both mental and physical, that's the ticket.

[oldshirt]

 

One more thing... PLEASE don't throw the divorce word around unless you REALLY mean it. Marriage is based on a lot of things. Kill the security, safety, 'until death us do part' aspect & you've got even more issues.

 

ShatteredLady is right about looking into possible medical/hormonal issues. That would be a valid first step.

 

However once that check box is checked off and medical/hormonal issues are eliminated, that brings us up to her other point.

 

I also agree that the 'D' word should never be thrown out unless you are seeing it as a serious option and are truly contemplating it.

 

However, I do not believe it is ever in anyone's best interest to have a "till death do us part" mentality.

 

There are lots of people that think if their spouse will never leave them, that's gives them license to neglect and mistreat them.

 

There is a world of difference between the insecurity of fearing your spouse will leave you for no reason VS having the knowledge that if you don't provide for their basic needs that that will null and void the marital contract.

 

A spouse that spends all there time on the couch knowingly neglecting his/her spouse's basic needs and basic human dignity has no right to expect marital security and has no right to assume they won't be left behind.

 

A spouse who neglects their partners basic needs IS the issue and is the obstacle to a happy and healthy life. Leaving them behind paves the way for other opportunities, it does not "create more issues."

 

In this particular case, they are already in a sexless marriage and she already ignores and neglects him and looks around him so that she doesn't miss her shows. How is being ready, willing and able to move on going to make that any worse?

 

Divorce should never ever be an idle threat or a manipulation. But when it becomes a valid option under sincere consideration, it some times can make people wake up and smell the coffee.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'll start off by saying that I've never been happy with the sex life in my relationship. We are well below any average that's out there, and have sex about once a month, that's probably being a bit generous. We might have a day where we're both talking a little dirty to each other all day, and she says she wants me to initiate. She's like wrapped herself in a ton of blankets, watching TV and playing on her phone. When I kiss her, she keeps it short, eyes glued to the TV instead of me. She had positioned her body in a way where I couldn't get close to her at all.

Thus happens all the time. I can't tell if she's just not interested, or she's playing hard to get. I give up relatively easily because quite frankly I feel embarrassed. Kissing on her and touching her with no response. Just a stone cold stare at the TV. For me to continue, it feels kind of like I'm forcing myself on her.

 

Am I reading the situation wrong? What's going on? I need to figure out how to be less beta in my relationship. She rarely does anything for me. Although she's constantly "not feeling well". It just gets old having to cater to her every whim while she just sits in bed all evening and requests things of me like I'm a waiter at a restaurant.

 

 

Find some hobbies. Get some buddies. Spend time enjoying hobbies with buddies. I highly recommend getting some dirt bikes, jetskis, and a nice Jeep. Go outside and play. If she wants to join you, great. If she doesn't...at least you will be out having fun, and not home bussing tables.

 

I happen to believe that if someone has a very low libido, there is almost nothing that can be done about it.

[Miss Peach]

OP - Even if you held off on sex has intimacy always been like this? If not, my suspicion is that resentment has creeped in. MC should help you figure that out. I know for me I am very sexual. But with some men I have built up so much resentment that I didn't want to be intimate with them or couldn't do it often.

 

With women sex is very mental. So if we have issues on our minds it makes it hard for us to connect during sex. For me sex is as much for pleasure as it is for connection.

[Liam1]

I

It's honorable that you are attempting counseling and covering that base and checking off that box.

 

However be warned that counseling doesn't make people attracted, it doesn't make them ambitious and it doesn't change their core character.

 

What it does is opens up channels of communication so each knows where the other is coming from.

 

The counselor may be able to tell her the gravity of the situation, but if she doesn't want anything to change - it won't.

 

Excellent point, but counseling should be tried first before breaking up.

 

It's possible her lack of sexual desire has nothing to do with attraction to him and more likely that she simply lacks an attraction to anyone in terms of sex.

 

The counselor may be able to suggest a certified licensed sex counselor that can help her.

[Jersey born raised]

The advise here is exactly what you need to do. The caution about throwing the word divorce around is spot on. Also it is common that each gender reacts differently. I would advise many woman in your situation to demand a separation to act as a wake of call. I warn them their spouces intial reaction is who is the other guy. Stay strong, be completely transparent and drive on the point it is him and you want to reconcile and the marriage to work. Demand change! But guys are hard wired and socialized different. Hit us over the head enough we get the message.

 

I like to recommend going to the library and reading "5 love languages". They have a web site as well with a wealth of free info.

[oldshirt]

 

It's possible her lack of sexual desire has nothing to do with attraction to him and more likely that she simply lacks an attraction to anyone in terms of sex.

 

The counselor may be able to suggest a certified licensed sex counselor that can help her.

 

Except in rare cases of some kind of hormonal disorder or some kind of actual psychological disorder, I don't think this is hardly ever actually the case.

 

There are countless examples of where a woman has no interest in sex at all untill she meets a particular person and then BOOM!!!

 

It's not that she is asexual, it's that she hasn't gotten involved with someone that trips her triggers or flipped her switches yet.

 

Counseling doesn't make people horny or turn them into porn stars. The best that counseling can do is open up some channels of communication in case there is something specifically he is doing or not doing that is turning her off like bad breath or weight gain or bad hygiene or something.

 

Assuming someone is physiologically and psychologically healthy, very few people are actually asexual. They just haven't crossed paths with the person/people that trip their trigger yet.

[kendahke]

There is also a world of difference between a spouse who is on the couch, cocooned and tuning you out, but has had conversations with you about how they are struggling with whatever, that they feel awful that they can't rise to the occasion and are compensating for it in other ways...IOW--they have an appreciable knowledge and remorse of how their actions are coming across to their spouse.

 

It's quite another to be posted up on the couch, cocooned in a blanket, tuning out their spouse and having a "get over it and bring me a sandwich" attitude.

 

OP hasn't said whether or not his wife is even aware that she is causing him this kind of emotional duress or that she even cares--and that there speaks to breaking the vow of cherishing--which means you will not willfully engage in behavior that you know causes your spouse emotional duress. He hasn't even said anything to the contrary on that in the few posts he's made here, so I"m not so quick to say she's got hormonal problems or she's depressed or whatever. She just might have good old fashion contempt for his esteem and feels she doesn't have to change who/how she is.

Edited March 30, 2016 by kendahke

[jcromp]

OK, please, please try not to take this personally, but if you two waited until marriage for sex, I take it that you're both inexperienced sexually then?

 

If that's the case, are you sure you're pleasuring her sexually when you do have sex? Is she reaching orgasm? If she's not reaching orgasm on a regular basis, then this could explain why she doesn't want to do it. Would you want to have sex without orgasm?

 

Now, this is no excuse for her behavior. If this is the problem, then she should be open with you about it. But being that she isn't sexually experienced, she might not know that's the problem or she might be too shy to bring it up. She may be hesitant to kiss or cuddle you because then she's afraid you'll want sex.

 

I'm not saying that any of this is a reason to treat you badly and ignore you. I'm just playing devil's advocate a bit.

[summerdowling87]

I agree your wife isn't into you.

 

I used to like it when my boyfriend would just tickle me or rub my feet or cuddle up to me for no reason.

 

Or he'd let me tickle him.