Leaving marriage after affair

[Cabotine67]

I have been reading on this forum for a while and wanted to share my story. I will try to keep it brief.

I am married. I recently left my husband, bought my own house and share parenting of our little boy.

For the last five years, I have been having an affair with someone at work. He is also married (no kids). Throughout the affair my husband and I were not sharing a bed and, although we shared a home, we led quite separate lives. I was very much in love with my AP but I never told him.

 

We never spoke about our feelings, his marriage or my marriage. He broke the affair off a couple of times due to guilt but we always got back together. Anyway, this summer he moved away to be closer to his wife's family. He is about 2.5 hours away. We had a very emotional final meeting where he told me he loved me and I also told him. He had never made false promises and neither had I. I was devastated that he left but didn't really think it would be the end. He was due to be back in this area about a month after he left and he sent texts saying that he wanted to see me then. That meeting never happened as his wife came with him. The last time I saw him was at the sporting event he had come to participate in. Ironically, I did my best to avoid him but literally bumped into him( and his wife) right at the very end. Agony.

 

At this point, I had decided that I could not stay in my marriage and began making steps to leave. It was nothing to do with my AP. If anything, I think i didn't leave my marriage whilst in A as i didn't want to 'rock th boat' and risk losing AP. I moved out of marital home in January.

 

We continued to share texts (me and AP).They were all sexual/emotional in content. After about six weeks he stopped initiating texts. I didn't hear from him for about six weeks. I was so hurt by this, I sent him a text explaining how hurt I was. I said that if he didn't want contact I would understand but to just ignore me was cold and harsh. He apologised and agreed. I told him to tell me if he ever felt that we had to stop communicating. He said he would. The sex/emotional texts continues for more months. They were all 'I wish.../ I want..' Etc. After one of these texts, I responded by saying 'I would love it too. If you REALLY iwanted it, it would happen'. He didn't respond to that. About a week later, I just sent a chatty text about how his new job etc was going. We had a 'normal' text chat. After that, i didn't hear from him for about five weeks. I was so hurt because he'd chosen to ignore me again!

 

Anyway, last week, he sent me a text. He apologised for not being in touch. Said he felt 'weird about it all' but didn't know what to say except 'how are you', 'hope you are well' and 'I miss you'. He also said that he thought I might be moving on with things in my life which he found difficult. I haven't replied to this text as I am so upset that he left it so long. Is it mean to not respond? It just felt like an 'obligatory' text from him. Like he didn't really want to, but felt he should. I really don't know what to do.

 

Throughout the A, I have kept my dignity (as much as that is possible in an affair). I have never yelled or got really mad at him. It really hasn't been easy. At our workplace he was the only male!! Staff nights' out were a real ordeal for me as he is quite the charmer and many other workers were 'after' him. I never placed demands on him or made his life difficult. One thing I did ask was to not be ignored and he failed to do this.

Would you reply, or leave it be?

Edited March 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ChickiePops]

What are you hoping will come of this affair?

[whichwayisup]

You're wasting your energy and precious heart on a MM who lives far away from you, he's not leaving his wife and is playing the hot/cold game with you. It's turned into a flirting online affair which IS doing damage to you, you're setting yourself up for a big pit of pain.

 

You'll never have him in the way you want him for obvious reasons. You're also putting the power in his court. I hope you find it in you to realize that what you're doing is pointless and only hurting yourself. Please think about ending it. Wish him well, grieve the loss and move on. If you continue this with him you'll continue to be hurt and sucked into this push/pull roller coaster ride.

[sandylee1]

I think he's feeling guilty and just wants to make a fresh start ... but doesn't want to be the one to end it with you. He'd rather you ended it so he doesn't feel bad or like he's hurt you. Now that you've left your marriage ... he thinks your expectations will be higher and he doesn't want that... you've become a threat to his marriage now.

 

It's clear there is no future in all this ... so if I were you ... I would certainly reply and end it ... so that you can put a stop to hanging on his replies.

 

He hasn't been busted after 5 years... just leave it at that ...because if he gets caught ...He's likely to blame you for continuing the texting even when he ignored you for weeks at a time.

[privategal]

I think its awesome that you made it once 6 weeks before reaching out and 5 weeks this time before he reached out.

I think its best to leave it alone.

You had the courage to leave your marital home, stand on your own 2 feet...you are strong and independant.

If he still desired those texts, he would reach out.

He does not.

If he reaches out in the future its a weak moment and to make sure you havent forgotten him (EGO).

You can make it 5 weeks?

You can make it 5 months too.

I know its lonely without the contact but the guilt associated for you both and especially him, is corroding the fun.

He see's theres risk...he nust watched you leave your husband.

He see's the possibility is there for his wife to leave him too.

Let the text go unanswered.

Let him keep going.

The feelings and longing for him will fade.

Summer is coming!

Grill out, go on fun day trips, feel FREE and maybe start dating when you are ready!

Its more kind to yourself to not reply. He will understand it is because he is married and chose to show you that you werent high on his list more than once, eben after you told him it hurt you.

Ignore...forever.

[Cabotine67]

Good question. I would like him to realise that he is not happy in his marriage and leave. I would like us to see how things would be in a 'normal' relationship. I do not want him to leave his wife for me but because it is what he wants to do.

We were physical before he got married. I really am not sure why he married her. At the moment I am trying to be rational and just think he must love her. I really don't understand how someone can love someone and have a five year affair though.

[Lady2163]

Geez, that's a toughie.

 

The thing is, with no kids he's had five years to take the plunge and leave her. Yet, he keeps planning life with her.

 

You need to be ready to end this and I'm not sure if you are. You divorced, you've moved on into single life. Don't accept the crumbs. You deserve better. You really do. You deserve someone who will treat you like an equal partner.

 

He isn't treating you right as an OW or even as a friend. He knows how you feel about him, yet he will go weeks without contacting you? That's a huge warning sign. Flashing, warning sign. Big, bold letters. You're letting him know how little you are willing to accept and then he doesn't have to make any more effort than that.

 

30 years ago, I fell in love with a married man. Things ended. They were a bit messy (not a Dday), just a long story. We kept in sporadic contact until 8 years ago. A while back I called him....and he has changed jobs or retired. I have no other way to contact him. I was hurt for a while and then I realized how little I meant to him. I wouldn't say I loved him anymore, but I wasn't indifferent. However, he is indifferent.

 

I believe some friendships are meant to fade as we grow. This may be one of those for you. It may not feel like it now and there may be times in your life you have these moments of hurt and silent meltdown.

 

There's a whole other world out there for you - go get it!

[Cabotine67]

Thank you so much for your replies. I really do appreciate them. I know I need to let this go. I need to stop questioning his motives and reasoning as I will never understand it. I just need to decide if I just ignore that last text or reply. I have never ignored him before so he will know that something has shifted. I won't feel bad if I don't reply as he has demonstrated on numerous occasions that ignoring someone is acceptable in his world!

PRivategal - thank you for your kind words. Yes, it took a lot of strength to leave my marriage. My H is a good man. I just don't love him. He doesn't know about the A and I have no intention of telling him. I just never want to be in that position again. I would rather be on my own than with the wrong person. I wish I could settle for 'good'. I just can't. I am no spring chicken so am not hopeful of finding love/passion again but would rather live with the possibility than in a marriage where it doesn't exist for me(if that makes sense). I know this is an unusual choice. Most of my friends/family don't get it.

[Cabotine67]

Lady- thank you for your thoughts. I agree, if he can't be bothered to text me, knowing how I feel, he can't think too highly of me. At times, when I haven't known what to say to him, I have always sent him a text just to say 'not ignoring you, thinking about my reply' or something along those lines. Thankfully, I am not on FB. He is and people at work have shown me pics of him and his wife on there. I try not to see them but nobody knows about the A and I don't want to make it obvious by refusing to look. More agony each time!

I am not divorced. I left in January. We have not discussed D.

[carhill]

Yeah, I'd just get the D done and, if this guy does reach out, fill him in on that and let the rest go. If he presses remind him he's not free for a committed relationship and that's what you would want with anyone. The cool thing about being human is you can have sex with him before he got married, have a five year affair later and still change your mind and want an exclusive relationship today. It's a blast being human. If minds don't meet, delete. Communicate clearly. Your D will be public record so if he's interested, he'll check it out. Good luck!

[BuddyX]

The people at work know. Trust me. No matter how careful you are, you can't hide it.

Give him an ultimatum. "You in or out?"

Do not get strung along. Before you know it, you realize you wasted decades on a guy who doesn't love you. And yes, he doesn't love you. That's why he's with his wife.

 

If she was such a horrible person, he would've left her long time ago. Unless, he's a total Pu**y. And in that case, would you have any respect for him?

[LivingWaterPlease]

If minds don't meet, delete.

 

Carhill, you come up with some good ones! Always (well, usually!) enjoy your posts!

 

Your quote above could fit a lot of different situations and I'm filing it away for further use both present and future.

[Cabotine67]

Buddy- I have no reason to think she is a horrible person why would I? I do think he is a very weak man. A typical people pleaser, buries his head in the sand, can't deal with conflict, always chooses path of least resistance. My respect is definitely waning!

[Marc878]

This senario plays out over and over like a broken record. He never intended to leave his wife and family.

 

You really need to understand where you were in this.

 

Definitely finish the divorce. Your marriage is a waste of time for you and your husband.

[Marc878]

Good question. I would like him to realise that he is not happy in his marriage and leave. I would like us to see how things would be in a 'normal' relationship. I do not want him to leave his wife for me but because it is what he wants to do.

We were physical before he got married. I really am not sure why he married her. At the moment I am trying to be rational and just think he must love her. I really don't understand how someone can love someone and have a five year affair though.

 

Your story is not unique. Plays out all the time. You are, were and will always be second fiddle.

[whichwayisup]

Good question. I would like him to realise that he is not happy in his marriage and leave. I would like us to see how things would be in a 'normal' relationship. I do not want him to leave his wife for me but because it is what he wants to do.

We were physical before he got married. I really am not sure why he married her. At the moment I am trying to be rational and just think he must love her. I really don't understand how someone can love someone and have a five year affair though.

 

If he was that unhappy with his wife and marriage he wouldn't have moved with her to be closer to her family. Those who want to divorce, do so, like you did. He is far from unhappy, seems he just likes having someone on the side to feed his ego and make him feel special. That's not love.

 

He had a five year affair because he's selfish and puts himself first. That's why. It isn't about you, it's all about him and his needs.

[Cabotine67]

The people at work know. Trust me. No matter how careful you are, you can't hide it.

 

 

I am pretty sure they don't know. One of my best friends left our workplace at the same time he did. I subsequently told her about the A. She was shocked and said how well we covered it. If she didn't suspect, I doubt anyone else did.

[sandylee1]

So this affair began before he married her? He's been cheating their entire marriage?

 

You say you want him to realise he's unhappy. .... I'm having trouble understanding that a truly decent individual would enter a marriage and be cheating at that time...

 

What makes you think he's unhappy? Has he told you. Or is it by the fact that he's cheating? If he wanted a 'normal' relationship with you .. he'd have been delighted when you left your husband .... but it could well be that he's now happy of the distance between you... keeps physical temptation away.

 

He's right where he wants to be and I don't think from what you've said that his marriage was as bad as yours.

[Cabotine67]

So this affair began before he married her? He's been cheating their entire marriage?

 

You say you want him to realise he's unhappy. .... I'm having trouble understanding that a truly decent individual would enter a marriage and be cheating at that time...

 

What makes you think he's unhappy? Has he told you. Or is it by the fact that he's cheating? If he wanted a 'normal' relationship with you .. he'd have been delighted when you left your husband .... but it could well be that he's now happy of the distance between you... keeps physical temptation away.

 

He's right where he wants to be and I don't think from what you've said that his marriage was as bad as yours.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, Sandy.

We did not sleep together before he married but the EA had begun.

 

He has never talked to me about his marriage so I may be completely wrong (and I probably am). He never mentions his wife to me. He rarely even utters her name. Even at work, people have noticed how he always talks in the first person (singular). It is always, "I am..," "I went...". He never says "us/we/me andxxxxx. He told a colleague before he married that he didn't know if she was 'the one'.

 

Maybe he is happy about the distance between us. Maybe that was one of the reasons he went. In many ways I am glad I no longer work with him in an all female environment (MM being the only exception). I found that so hard.

I keep reminding myself that he is where he wants to be with the person he wants to be with.

 

When I told him (via text) that I was leaving my husband he was shocked, I think. He said it made him sad as he knew it'd only be a matter of time before I met someone else! His messages intensified.

 

I'm sure his marriage is better than mine was in many ways but, mine did have an honesty about it that his doesn't. Ie. I was not sleeping with my husband and showing the world a happy, United couple.

 

Thanks again. I really appreciate all the responses.

[Shadowburn]

Cabotine, why is it even a question about this guy. You were with him for 5 years. It was just an affair, no plans for the future. He moved away, he is not even in touch for 5-6 weeks. Do you really think he'll get divorce to be with you, if he can't be bothered with a simple text?

 

Don't waste your time on this nonsense, you're free, have a fresh start. Let him be, doesn't matter if he is happy or not in his marriage, this is where he chooses to be.

Best of luck!

[imsosad]

I'm sorry for your confusion and pain.

Based on what you wrote, it is pretty clear to me that he is more important to you than you are to him.

He detaches and tgen returns just because he can. Sometime the affair suits him more, sometime less.

You are available. If he wanted to be with you, he would.

I wouldn't try to analyze his marriage. You just don't know. If forced to guess, I would lean towards his personality,rather than the state of his M, being the main force behind it.

You got divorced. You are free, you can have a fresh start. Don't cling to this dysfunctional pattern. How does that catch phrase go? Don't make him a priority if you are only an option.

You can get a clean break and build a wonderful life for yourself. Don't worry about his M. Do you really want to be his wife? Look at his wife, do you want to trade?

Best thing you can do is cut off all contact with his and heal.

Best of luck, it is much easier said than done.

[carhill]

Carhill, you come up with some good ones! Always (well, usually!) enjoy your posts!

 

Your quote above could fit a lot of different situations and I'm filing it away for further use both present and future.

 

Another one which might apply here, nod to some rhymes from a famous murder trial in the last century, is:

 

'If it don't flow, let it go'

 

Where this stuff comes from, mostly, is:

 

'If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit'

 

I know, from experience, in affairs it's easy to get wadded up in all the details and machinations, which is why clarifying, simplifying and coming up with a plan of action usually resolves things. The results aren't known until they're known. Sounds like the OP wants to and is working on leaving their marriage and apparently co-parenting. OK, there's the process. Work it.

[Babsinhealing]

Cabotine67-

 

I know you are really struggling- I can hear it in your words. 5 years is a huge investment in someone and it's never easy to lose anyone that held a place in your life (and heart). Unfortunately A run their course and things change, people move, feelings differ. This is part of all relationships. I feel like he is trying to end it but seems to be struggling, which doesn't surprise me. The distance makes it very difficult to maintain an ongoing A- the stars practically have to align to meet up and it becomes more "works" than fun. His checking in is his way to say he cares (to a degree) but his frequency in texting tells me he's trying to let go.

 

Trust me, I've been there, holding on will just cause more pain when it does end. I never thought my A would end- we were both in 100% for almost two years with no signs of slowing down... Until DD. I finally ended it and went NC because things changed so drastically after we were caught, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the new reality. The sooner you let go, the sooner you start to grieve and heal. You will be single someday soon and sky is the limit for finding the love and devotion you deserve (full time).

 

Not everything is meant to stay in our life. Sometimes the best way to show love is to let go. Take care of yourself.

[Cabotine67]

Cabotine67-

 

I know you are really struggling- I can hear it in your words. 5 years is a huge investment in someone and it's never easy to lose anyone that held a place in your life (and heart). Unfortunately A run their course and things change, people move, feelings differ. This is part of all relationships. I feel like he is trying to end it but seems to be struggling, which doesn't surprise me. The distance makes it very difficult to maintain an ongoing A- the stars practically have to align to meet up and it becomes more "works" than fun. His checking in is his way to say he cares (to a degree) but his frequency in texting tells me he's trying to let go.

 

Trust me, I've been there, holding on will just cause more pain when it does end. I never thought my A would end- we were both in 100% for almost two years with no signs of slowing down... Until DD. I finally ended it and went NC because things changed so drastically after we were caught, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the new reality. The sooner you let go, the sooner you start to grieve and heal. You will be single someday soon and sky is the limit for finding the love and devotion you deserve (full time).

 

Not everything is meant to stay in our life. Sometimes the best way to show love is to let go. Take care of yourself.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I have still not replied to his text. I don't think I will now. I am pretty sure I won't hear from him again. Yes, five years is a long time. I saw him nearly every day at work and his 'ghost' is everywhere.

 

I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. It is very easy for him to say how much he wants me, misses me etc but, there is no point unless he backs it up with actions. That is why he has changed towards me since I questioned why he was saying such things and not doing anything about it.

 

No, I would not trade places with his wife. She clearly has no idea about his adultery.

 

To add to my sadness at the A being over, I also feel guilty that I am dwelling on that and not the end of my marriage. I don't understand my own feelings. I know I will get over this. When he first left (8 months ago) there were some days where I felt I literally couldn't breathe. I have never felt such physical symptoms for inner turmoil. Scary. I sleep now and am less tearful. It just saddens me as I really feel, especially with the distance, I could have remained on platonic terms with him. Sadly, he has ignored me once too often.

 

We have a mutual friend/colleague who he texts on an almost daily basis. She does not know about the A. She would regularly tell me all he is up to. A couple of months ago, I told her i didn't want to know what he is up to any more. She must have thought this odd but it was just so upsetting that he was communicating so easily with her and not me. He will have known that she was telling me all his news. I felt like screaming at him to stop texting her as it was hurtful for me to hear about his life through a third party. I don't know if all that makes sense. This was also an issue during our A. One of my colleagues would tell me about something he was doing and it would really upset me to hear it from someone else. He knows I felt that way but it still happened!!

 

I am finding it very helpful to gain the insight of others on LS. Thank you.

[Cabotine67]

Cabotine, why is it even a question about this guy. You were with him for 5 years. It was just an affair, no plans for the future. He moved away, he is not even in touch for 5-6 weeks. Do you really think he'll get divorce to be with you, if he can't be bothered with a simple text?

 

Don't waste your time on this nonsense, you're free, have a fresh start. Let him be, doesn't matter if he is happy or not in his marriage, this is where he chooses to be.

Best of luck!

 

I suppose it is a question BECAUSE a I was with him for 5 years and for me, at least, it was more than just an affair.

You are right though, I do need to stop wasting my time and he is where he wants to be and, if he isn't, more fool him. Plenty of people aren't!

Nonsense indeed it is.