Leaving marriage after affair

[Cabotine67]

I'm sorry for your confusion and pain.

Based on what you wrote, it is pretty clear to me that he is more important to you than you are to him.

 

Hit the nail on the head. I need to keep reminding myself of this. Thanks. A good mantra.

Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[imperfectangel]

OP your mm sounds exactly the same as my mm! I haven't heard from him since the end of January so yes really he ended it by ignoring me but I have gone NC now anyway and I have blocked him since last week.

 

It was really hard at first I cried a lot, lost a lot of weight etc but I'm getting better and this is after nearly 18 years! I'm only 31 so basically my whole life he has been there in some way. We were also long distance and he had not 1 or 2 but 3 children and I wasn't important enough to know about any of them. I found out through friends or fb pics or the latest what's app. It's a complete slap in the face.

 

I agree with most posters your mm is more important to you than you are to him. With my mm it's the same. Tbh after I saw that family pic I completely lost all respect for him, I had de-humanised his family, blocked them out but seeing all that deceit for myself really opened my eyes.

 

Do not reply to him. I couldn't block at first but if you can do because now I'm starting to heal I don't want him to reappear as it'll set me back. I see that now. Concentrate on yourself and your child, mm is not the man you think he is

[Grey Cloud]

I have been reading on this forum for a while and wanted to share my story. I will try to keep it brief.

I am married. I recently left my husband, bought my own house and share parenting of our little boy.

For the last five years, I have been having an affair with someone at work. He is also married (no kids). Throughout the affair my husband and I were not sharing a bed and, although we shared a home, we led quite separate lives. I was very much in love with my AP but I never told him.

 

We never spoke about our feelings, his marriage or my marriage. He broke the affair off a couple of times due to guilt but we always got back together. Anyway, this summer he moved away to be closer to his wife's family. He is about 2.5 hours away. We had a very emotional final meeting where he told me he loved me and I also told him. He had never made false promises and neither had I. I was devastated that he left but didn't really think it would be the end. He was due to be back in this area about a month after he left and he sent texts saying that he wanted to see me then. That meeting never happened as his wife came with him. The last time I saw him was at the sporting event he had come to participate in. Ironically, I did my best to avoid him but literally bumped into him( and his wife) right at the very end. Agony.

 

At this point, I had decided that I could not stay in my marriage and began making steps to leave. It was nothing to do with my AP. If anything, I think i didn't leave my marriage whilst in A as i didn't want to 'rock th boat' and risk losing AP. I moved out of marital home in January.

 

We continued to share texts (me and AP).They were all sexual/emotional in content. After about six weeks he stopped initiating texts. I didn't hear from him for about six weeks. I was so hurt by this, I sent him a text explaining how hurt I was. I said that if he didn't want contact I would understand but to just ignore me was cold and harsh. He apologised and agreed. I told him to tell me if he ever felt that we had to stop communicating. He said he would. The sex/emotional texts continues for more months. They were all 'I wish.../ I want..' Etc. After one of these texts, I responded by saying 'I would love it too. If you REALLY iwanted it, it would happen'. He didn't respond to that. About a week later, I just sent a chatty text about how his new job etc was going. We had a 'normal' text chat. After that, i didn't hear from him for about five weeks. I was so hurt because he'd chosen to ignore me again!

 

Anyway, last week, he sent me a text. He apologised for not being in touch. Said he felt 'weird about it all' but didn't know what to say except 'how are you', 'hope you are well' and 'I miss you'. He also said that he thought I might be moving on with things in my life which he found difficult. I haven't replied to this text as I am so upset that he left it so long. Is it mean to not respond? It just felt like an 'obligatory' text from him. Like he didn't really want to, but felt he should. I really don't know what to do.

 

Throughout the A, I have kept my dignity (as much as that is possible in an affair). I have never yelled or got really mad at him. It really hasn't been easy. At our workplace he was the only male!! Staff nights' out were a real ordeal for me as he is quite the charmer and many other workers were 'after' him. I never placed demands on him or made his life difficult. One thing I did ask was to not be ignored and he failed to do this.

Would you reply, or leave it be?

 

I would send a reply saying "I no longer want to remain in contact and this will be my last contact to you". And tell him to "please don't respond to this message". That way it is clear and he won't think maybe she didn't receive my message and try fishing again in a few weeks when he needs an ego boost. Also that way you remain accountable to yourself. If you feel like reaching out to him you will be going back on your promise of never contacting him again.

 

A couple of things jump out at me from your post - that he/you never discussed your feelings or m's for 5 years until he was moving on. To me that sounds like he was more than happy with the arrangement/status quo. The fact that feelings were only discussed when he was leaving was because he could say stuff and have nothing to lose because he was moving away. My xMM only became more vocal with his feelings and what he had been thinking about me once he had secured another job. By then it was all just hollow words. Like you said, actions speak louder than words. My xMM said that him getting another job solved our issue (the A). Because he would have good intentions at home, come to work and see me and his resolve would all fly out the window. I think your MM moving 2.5hours away makes things easier for him. Because it forces him to "be good". My xMM was also happy to carry on with sporadic contact/texts but I knew it would all be pointless. I could see it was the end and doing that would prevent me from letting go.

 

Over Christmas my xMM and I had a 5 week period where we didn't see each other as we weren't at work. Looking back, during this time I realised that I was mainly the one texting/emailing. He would respond each time but not initiate. It was a red flag that I ignored. He could more easily compartmentalise everything when I was out of sight/ out of mind type thing. That is why I knew when we no longer worked together it would be the same. Me texting, him responding but all one sided. In your case your MM wouldn't even respond some of the time!

 

It's time to recognise it's over. He is where he wants to be. With his wife. You have done a brave thing realising your M wasn't working and can now look to building a new life of your own. Unfortunately MM won't be a part of it. The quicker you can accept that, the quicker you will able to be happier in the long run. Unfortunately he will be nothing but a continual disappointment.

Edited March 29, 2016 by Grey Cloud

[Grey Cloud]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I have still not replied to his text. I don't think I will now. I am pretty sure I won't hear from him again. Yes, five years is a long time. I saw him nearly every day at work and his 'ghost' is everywhere.

 

I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. It is very easy for him to say how much he wants me, misses me etc but, there is no point unless he backs it up with actions. That is why he has changed towards me since I questioned why he was saying such things and not doing anything about it.

 

No, I would not trade places with his wife. She clearly has no idea about his adultery.

 

To add to my sadness at the A being over, I also feel guilty that I am dwelling on that and not the end of my marriage. I don't understand my own feelings. I know I will get over this. When he first left (8 months ago) there were some days where I felt I literally couldn't breathe. I have never felt such physical symptoms for inner turmoil. Scary. I sleep now and am less tearful. It just saddens me as I really feel, especially with the distance, I could have remained on platonic terms with him. Sadly, he has ignored me once too often.

 

We have a mutual friend/colleague who he texts on an almost daily basis. She does not know about the A. She would regularly tell me all he is up to. A couple of months ago, I told her i didn't want to know what he is up to any more. She must have thought this odd but it was just so upsetting that he was communicating so easily with her and not me. He will have known that she was telling me all his news. I felt like screaming at him to stop texting her as it was hurtful for me to hear about his life through a third party. I don't know if all that makes sense. This was also an issue during our A. One of my colleagues would tell me about something he was doing and it would really upset me to hear it from someone else. He knows I felt that way but it still happened!!

 

I am finding it very helpful to gain the insight of others on LS. Thank you.

 

I also find this very strange - he texts another former co-worker almost on a daily basis? Is she married? Isn't it weird they have remained in touch so often and yet weeks can go by and he doesn't contact you? Why are they so "friendly"?. I get that people remain in touch but daily sounds a bit much. Especially because she is the opposite sex. But then again, maybe I am cynical now after an A and seeing all the stores on LS!

[13Hearts]

The guy keeps trying to go NC with you but you keep drawing him back in. Good lord, take the hint and let him go back to his wife and focus on his marriage. Go find a single guy now that you are single, please.

[13Hearts]

Good question. I would like him to realise that he is not happy in his marriage and leave. I would like us to see how things would be in a 'normal' relationship. I do not want him to leave his wife for me but because it is what he wants to do.

We were physical before he got married. I really am not sure why he married her. At the moment I am trying to be rational and just think he must love her. I really don't understand how someone can love someone and have a five year affair though.

 

It's not your place to decide what another person feels, much less what they feel in their own marriage! It's also not your place to decide what is best for him, or what he should or should not do.

 

So he chose to marry her and you are second-guessing his decision. How is that your place too?

 

I think you really need to start minding your own business and stop trying to convince someone else that you know best for HIS life. Try focusing on you and your own life for a while.

 

Sheesh.

[66Charger]

I really don't understand how someone can love someone and have a five year affair though.

 

Just for curious, are you talking about your AP? Or did you not love your H for the last 5 years? I am in agreement with you. Dont understand that at all.

[Cabotine67]

Just for curious, are you talking about your AP? Or did you not love your H for the last 5 years? I am in agreement with you. Dont understand that at all.

 

I was talking about AP. I have not been in love with my H for years. I am quite sure that if I had been, I would not have had an A.

[Cabotine67]

It's not your place to decide what another person feels, much less what they feel in their own marriage! It's also not your place to decide what is best for him, or what he should or should not do.

 

So he chose to marry her and you are second-guessing his decision. How is that your place too?

 

I think you really need to start minding your own business and stop trying to convince someone else that you know best for HIS life. Try focusing on you and your own life for a while.

 

Sheesh.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

I agree with you. Of course it is not my place to decide how he feels, what is best for him or what he should or shouldn't do. I didn't say it was. I have never tried to convince him about any aspect of his life for exactly that reason. It is not my place.

[Cabotine67]

I also find this very strange - he texts another former co-worker almost on a daily basis? Is she married? Isn't it weird they have remained in touch so often and yet weeks can go by and he doesn't contact you? Why are they so "friendly"?. I get that people remain in touch but daily sounds a bit much. Especially because she is the opposite sex. But then again, maybe I am cynical now after an A and seeing all the stores on LS!

 

There is definitely nothing going on between the two of them. I know why you would assume that though. I really think he does it as he knows it will get back to me. Why he can't contact me directly, who knows???

[Cabotine67]

The guy keeps trying to go NC with you but you keep drawing him back in. Good lord, take the hint and let him go back to his wife and focus on his marriage. Go find a single guy now that you are single, please.

 

That is exactly what I am doing. I haven't replied

During the affair, whenever he broke it off, I always respected that and didn't contact him. It was always him who came back to me. He knows that all he needs to say is don't contact me and, I won't. He has no reason to doubt it. There has never been any drama or histrionics from me.

Edited March 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[imperfectangel]

The guy keeps trying to go NC with you but you keep drawing him back in. Good lord, take the hint and let him go back to his wife and focus on his marriage. Go find a single guy now that you are single, please.

 

To be fair there's nothing stopping HIM from sending her a NC message. Doesn't look like her has the guts to either, what a catch

[txgrl]

I don't know if hearing it from someone who cheated and caused and went through immense pain because of it , will make it clearer because you still seem very hopeful and attached to him .

 

My OM did everything to make me leave my marriage except saying it directly because obviously it wasn't his place . I DID NOT LEAVE MY MARRIAGE FOR OM.

 

It doesn't matter how long the A was . Seems like your AP would engage in this for another 10 years or more of you eat your words and emotions and demand no respect .

 

He will not leave his marriage or wife for you . If it ever happens , he knows where to find you . Meanwhile , you don't put your life on hold and good things will happen .

 

All learned the extremely hard way .

When you can , please read some posts on the infidelity section too . I had initially come on the OW/ OM forun but it's only when you read the other side of the story that reality dawns on you .

 

Good luck !

 

Just gotta add this : I also find his texting another female coworker daily really wierd and fishy .

Edited March 29, 2016 by txgrl

[Babs22]

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I have still not replied to his text. I don't think I will now. I am pretty sure I won't hear from him again. Yes, five years is a long time. I saw him nearly every day at work and his 'ghost' is everywhere.

 

I am a firm believer in actions speaking louder than words. It is very easy for him to say how much he wants me, misses me etc but, there is no point unless he backs it up with actions. That is why he has changed towards me since I questioned why he was saying such things and not doing anything about it.

 

No, I would not trade places with his wife. She clearly has no idea about his adultery.

 

To add to my sadness at the A being over, I also feel guilty that I am dwelling on that and not the end of my marriage. I don't understand my own feelings. I know I will get over this. When he first left (8 months ago) there were some days where I felt I literally couldn't breathe. I have never felt such physical symptoms for inner turmoil. Scary. I sleep now and am less tearful. It just saddens me as I really feel, especially with the distance, I could have remained on platonic terms with him. Sadly, he has ignored me once too often.

 

We have a mutual friend/colleague who he texts on an almost daily basis. She does not know about the A. She would regularly tell me all he is up to. A couple of months ago, I told her i didn't want to know what he is up to any more. She must have thought this odd but it was just so upsetting that he was communicating so easily with her and not me. He will have known that she was telling me all his news. I felt like screaming at him to stop texting her as it was hurtful for me to hear about his life through a third party. I don't know if all that makes sense. This was also an issue during our A. One of my colleagues would tell me about something he was doing and it would really upset me to hear it from someone else. He knows I felt that way but it still happened!!

 

I am finding it very helpful to gain the insight of others on LS. Thank you.

 

Cabptine67,

I can relate to so much of what you have said and what you are going through. I am going through some of the exact same thoughts and feelings. I am a MW and have been having a 3 year affair with a MM (no children). We worked together for 2 of those years. Then he took a position in another building where I was 1/2 day a week. Now, I am not in that building at all. He took the job to get out of a bad work situation with colleagues he could not stand. I am still there working with those colleagues. He worked with them for 6 years prior to leaving and could not take it any more. I was hurt that he left. He did it so he could be happier, so how do I deny him that, but it meant leaving me behind. Some of the colleagues are so rude and hateful. I can usually handle stuff like that, so I really didn't understand MM leaving, but he is definitely happier now on the work front.

 

So when we first started working together, and our A started, I was a support for him in an unhappy work environment. Initially, he said some negative things about his wife, not many, but enough for me to think there were serious problems. I think the biggest problem was the lack of sex. She was going through menopause and she was not as willing to have sex plus he described her as bipolar. Not sure if that was due to menopause too. Perhaps she started hormone therapy, perhaps she is over the worst part of menopause, but he rarely if ever complains about her anymore. It seems as if all is fine and good on the home front. He has described them as living like roommates, but even so, I am sure they are getting along swell.

 

So well as a matter of fact that they are on their annual cruise. He didn't take this cruise the first year we were together, but they have gone the past 3 years and it coincides with their anniversary. I believe this is number 14. I just found out about the anniversary. He didn't tell me. Anyway, the amount of texting has drastically decreased this year. He is very caught up and texting his new coworkers more than he texts me. Nothing going on, they are platonic friends, but he is very into chatting about what is happening now on the job. That does hurt to know he has time to text others but cannot bother to text me.

 

I have felt like ending this A for some time now and I have never had the guts. I still do love him, but he obviously does not have the same feelings that he once had for me and apparently, he does not have the same need. I actually think that if I would just agree to have sex with him every 2-3 weeks his life would be perfect. We do try to meet after work each day to work out, but due to schedules, it usually ends up being about 3 times a week. Never on weekends, when he practically goes dark on texting. He is sending a short email from the cruise each day. Nothing romantic, no sweet words, just tells me what he did that day. Why?

 

I am about at my breaking point. My marriage is over. How did you last 5 years like that with your husband? I could no longer have sex with my H once the affair started. I tried a few times and it was just gross. I realized, I had lost those feelings with my H, before the A, but never thought of getting a D or having an A. I just figured, that was the way life would be until one of us died. I guess, I thought I had lost interest in sex, so finding a new partner was not going to solve the problem. Boy was I wrong in that assumption. Anyway, when I stopped having sex, my husband got very angry. He has voiced his anger on several occasions and cursed at me and said horrible things. Mind you, all he knows is we are not having sex, he has no clue about the affair. If he did, I am sure he would call me out on it and try to throw me out on my ear. I am pretty sure he would get violent.

 

Anyway, I am now staying in another bedroom and my friend who has rental property told me she will have an apartment this June. I have two sons, the youngest will be 18 soon. He has already told me, he won't be upset if I move out. I do plan to talk to a lawyer this week. It is time to end my M of 21 years. It is ironic that I am also thinking of and really need to end my A as well. It would be nice to have some extra support while I go through this, but honestly, it seems like I have become such a small part of my MM's life, that is hurts more trying to stay in the A with him. Perhaps you and I just need to go through this next step alone.

 

I just wanted you to know that I commiserate with everything you have said. I put in bold the part above in your post when you said that you more more upset with your A ending than your M. I am right there with you on that feeling. I should be destroyed to lose my H, truth is its already been over for a long time.

 

You are already 5 weeks no contact and I have not started mine. I did not want to ruin his vacation by ending it before he left. My replies to his emails have been short, but I really don't want to ruin his trip. How to talk to him about it when he gets back is another story. Good luck with moving forward. I know how much this hurts. FYI, I know he won't leave his wife. I have known for about 2 years, but still stayed. As someone else here said, he is exactly where he wants to be.

[txgrl]

Why are you so concerned about not ruining his trip while he obviously couldn't care less about ruining your life and emotions by having a d continuing an A with you ?

I'm asking respectfully .

[Cabotine67]

Why are you so concerned about not ruining his trip while he obviously couldn't care less about ruining your life and emotions by having a d continuing an A with you ?

I'm asking respectfully .

 

Probably because she is a nice and decent person who doesn't want to hurt someone she loves, even though he would not grant her the same consideration.

Just a guess.

[Babs22]

Why are you so concerned about not ruining his trip while he obviously couldn't care less about ruining your life and emotions by having a d continuing an A with you ?

I'm asking respectfully .

 

Why am I concerned with ruining his vacation? Because I still do care about him. I realize he is not thinking about me the same way I think about him. I don't think he has any idea how much this kills me to have him go on this trip each year. The first year, I said something to him, and he asked me to please not ruin this for him. He said he really needed the vacation and the only way to go on vacation was with her. He couldn't go and leave her at home. This is true, but it all hurts like hell.

 

He seems pretty happy go lucky about things. I think he thinks I am as content as he is. I have voiced discontent on a few occasions, and it did not go well. I get too emotional. After the last time, last August, I swore I would never do that again and I won't. It is degrading for me to show how much I care and not get anything back. I did not beg or plead, but it was pretty humiliating to get that worked up. It won't happen like that again. The next time, I am just going to say, it needs to end. Even if that upsets him, he would not show me. I imagine he will say, he understands, he is sorry if he caused me pain and let me go. It is that finality of it that keeps me from saying the words. I do believe he will just walk away. Damn, even that is hard to take.

[Cabotine67]

Cabptine67,

I can relate to so much of what you have said and what you are going through. I am going through some of the exact same thoughts and feelings. I am a MW and have been having a 3 year affair with a MM (no children). We worked together for 2 of those years. Then he took a position in another building where I was 1/2 day a week. Now, I am not in that building at all. He took the job to get out of a bad work situation with colleagues he could not stand. I am still there working with those colleagues. He worked with them for 6 years prior to leaving and could not take it any more. I was hurt that he left. He did it so he could be happier, so how do I deny him that, but it meant leaving me behind. Some of the colleagues are so rude and hateful. I can usually handle stuff like that, so I really didn't understand MM leaving, but he is definitely happier now on the work front.

 

So when we first started working together, and our A started, I was a support for him in an unhappy work environment. Initially, he said some negative things about his wife, not many, but enough for me to think there were serious problems. I think the biggest problem was the lack of sex. She was going through menopause and she was not as willing to have sex plus he described her as bipolar. Not sure if that was due to menopause too. Perhaps she started hormone therapy, perhaps she is over the worst part of menopause, but he rarely if ever complains about her anymore. It seems as if all is fine and good on the home front. He has described them as living like roommates, but even so, I am sure they are getting along swell.

 

So well as a matter of fact that they are on their annual cruise. He didn't take this cruise the first year we were together, but they have gone the past 3 years and it coincides with their anniversary. I believe this is number 14. I just found out about the anniversary. He didn't tell me. Anyway, the amount of texting has drastically decreased this year. He is very caught up and texting his new coworkers more than he texts me. Nothing going on, they are platonic friends, but he is very into chatting about what is happening now on the job. That does hurt to know he has time to text others but cannot bother to text me.

 

I have felt like ending this A for some time now and I have never had the guts. I still do love him, but he obviously does not have the same feelings that he once had for me and apparently, he does not have the same need. I actually think that if I would just agree to have sex with him every 2-3 weeks his life would be perfect. We do try to meet after work each day to work out, but due to schedules, it usually ends up being about 3 times a week. Never on weekends, when he practically goes dark on texting. He is sending a short email from the cruise each day. Nothing romantic, no sweet words, just tells me what he did that day. Why?

 

I am about at my breaking point. My marriage is over. How did you last 5 years like that with your husband? I could no longer have sex with my H once the affair started. I tried a few times and it was just gross. I realized, I had lost those feelings with my H, before the A, but never thought of getting a D or having an A. I just figured, that was the way life would be until one of us died. I guess, I thought I had lost interest in sex, so finding a new partner was not going to solve the problem. Boy was I wrong in that assumption. Anyway, when I stopped having sex, my husband got very angry. He has voiced his anger on several occasions and cursed at me and said horrible things. Mind you, all he knows is we are not having sex, he has no clue about the affair. If he did, I am sure he would call me out on it and try to throw me out on my ear. I am pretty sure he would get violent.

 

Anyway, I am now staying in another bedroom and my friend who has rental property told me she will have an apartment this June. I have two sons, the youngest will be 18 soon. He has already told me, he won't be upset if I move out. I do plan to talk to a lawyer this week. It is time to end my M of 21 years. It is ironic that I am also thinking of and really need to end my A as well. It would be nice to have some extra support while I go through this, but honestly, it seems like I have become such a small part of my MM's life, that is hurts more trying to stay in the A with him. Perhaps you and I just need to go through this next step alone.

 

I just wanted you to know that I commiserate with everything you have said. I put in bold the part above in your post when you said that you more more upset with your A ending than your M. I am right there with you on that feeling. I should be destroyed to lose my H, truth is its already been over for a long time.

 

You are already 5 weeks no contact and I have not started mine. I did not want to ruin his vacation by ending it before he left. My replies to his emails have been short, but I really don't want to ruin his trip. How to talk to him about it when he gets back is another story. Good luck with moving forward. I know how much this hurts. FYI, I know he won't leave his wife. I have known for about 2 years, but still stayed. As someone else here said, he is exactly where he wants to be.

 

Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful response. My heart goes out to you. I can see the parallels in our scenarios.

 

I felt exactly the way you do about sex with my husband. Once my A began, there was no way I could have sex with him. If I had, I would have felt I was being unfaithful to AP (I know, crazy logic). It would also have repulsed me.

 

I am fortunate in that we have remained friends. He is a very easygoing man and would still be living as roommates if I hadn't left. I just couldn't live like that any more.

 

I live a short walk away and, so far,the co parenting is working well and we still make sure we do things as a family too.

 

It does sound like you no longer want to be in your marriage (with or without the A). It does take strength to leave, especially when you are heartbroken over the A and at your lowest emotional ebb. I had to dig deep and just get on with it. Not easy.

 

I would like to write more but have to dash now.

 

Thanks again though, your words have helped me.

[txgrl]

Probably because she is a nice and decent person who doesn't want to hurt someone she loves, even though he would not grant her the same consideration.

Just a guess.

 

 

Again , with due respect ..

 

No one is being ' nice and decent ' while engaging in an A .

 

I'm jut trying to make her think that this might just be another excuse to not send that final txt/ email to put an end to all of this .

[Babs22]

Again , with due respect ..

 

No one is being ' nice and decent ' while engaging in an A .

 

I'm jut trying to make her think that this might just be another excuse to not send that final txt/ email to put an end to all of this .

 

txgrl,

Actually, I am a very nice and decent person as are many of the people on this site who are having or have had an affair. I have lived my life constantly putting the needs of others before myself. Even in my M, I would do the extra work, take care of the kids, etc. All my H had to do was go to work, go to his sports and come home. Even my job is one that deals with helping others. It is how I am programmed.

 

Now, I would agree that I may not have been being nice or decent to my H. I did recognize that our M was not great, it was missing a lot but I did not think of getting a divorce and moving on because 1) We have children and 2) I thought any relationship with any man would be more of the same. I didn't even have any interest in starting another relationship if something happened to my H. I always wondered why people didn't get divorced before they started an A. I lived my whole life never cheating on anyone, not a boyfriend, not my H. Then someone pulled at my heart strings. It happened before I even knew what it was. I had never had that happen to me in my life, not even with my H. I should have ran home to my H immediately and said, I want a D, but I didn't.

 

As far as not wanting to ruin MMs vacation as an avoidance to sending the last text or email, I have enough reasons to avoid doing that. In this case, I really, really do not want to ruin his vacation. I care for him, I love him and even though this relationship is not working for me anymore, I would not want it to end on such a negative note as to end it and then think he could go and enjoy his once a year vacation. I really don't want to end our A with any animosity at all.

[Adoraxx]

I care about my xMM lots too but I wouldn't consider his vacations if I had something important ( like ending it) to tell him.

 

I'm sure my xMM would enjoy his vacation regardless, because after much thinking I've come to the conclusion that I never really meant anything to him.

[txgrl]

I never said you or anyone else who had an affair is a paragon of evil . We all have our qualities but we failed abysmally when it was time to make the moral decision to not cross that initial line that slowly became a full fledged A. We broke our own moral compass and we keep braking it every day we stay in the A .

You say you are programmed to help people . How are you being helpful , kind , compassionate or decent towards the MM's betrayed wife or their marriage ?

If she found out , can you imagine the anount of animosity and negativity that will surround this A and your life .

 

Again , please donot view this as a personal attack . The only good time to stop an A is NOW . The rest are all excuses .

[BuddyX]

Life is not about action but reaction.

So what if he breaks NC. Don't answer. He is not entitled to an answer. True NC means blocking a number, email, social media, etc.

Move on. Now.

[Babs22]

I never said you or anyone else who had an affair is a paragon of evil . We all have our qualities but we failed abysmally when it was time to make the moral decision to not cross that initial line that slowly became a full fledged A. We broke our own moral compass and we keep braking it every day we stay in the A .

You say you are programmed to help people . How are you being helpful , kind , compassionate or decent towards the MM's betrayed wife or their marriage ?

If she found out , can you imagine the amount of animosity and negativity that will surround this A and your life .

 

Again , please do not view this as a personal attack . The only good time to stop an A is NOW . The rest are all excuses .

 

txgrl,

I can understand all that. It is not always that easy, is it? I am sure you struggled with the ending of your A. Did you end it or did MM end it? I actually think it is for the best if I end it. At least that way, I don't have to hear him say it's over. I had some control and say in the matter. I do plan to end it soon, but I still plan to wait until his vacation is over. I've waited this long. It can wait a few more days. And while I believe he will get over this much easier than I will, it will take him at least a couple of days to process. I refuse to drop this on him while he is gone. It just isn't fair.

 

As far as his wife. I have worked very hard to make sure she does not find out about me. I have never met her and I think somehow if I did, I would have had more difficulty dealing with this. In my mind, it was his choice to cheat and that was on him.

 

I do actually think MM is happier in his marriage since I came along. Prior to our A he was upset about their sex life. He said she didn't like him like that. If a guy is getting some, he is a much happier husband. Doesn't matter if W is providing it or OW. Also, 7 months after we met, he received a cancer diagnosis which required surgery. This caused complete ED that required rehabilitation. I read books, followed forums, asked questions and gave him so many answers. His doc did not have a rehab protocol. I gave MM all the info he needed for things to read, to ask his doc for, etc. It was a difficult time for MM and he did go through some depression, because at times, it really did seem hopeless. Even though I figured out just months after surgery that he would not leave his W, I knew I would not end our A until his ED had improved.

 

It was a slow process (took over a year) and it took a lot of determination. That I had. He did not attempt sex with his W during that time. It required a lot of different approaches and a partner who was not only willing to try a lot of things, but who was supportive and non-judgemental since the psychological aspect can be one of the big hang ups to recovery. He is now recovered, has been for about a year. So, ironically, if she has decided that she wanted sex with him again, and I have not asked him if he has gone back to having sex with her, she has me to thank for the fact that he even has the capability of an erection. It was truly a case of, if you don't use it, you lose it. MM kind of lucked out that he started the A with me when he did. He was totally unaware of the future diagnosis when we met. I am not sure how he would have dealt with that otherwise.

 

I think that was me being compassionate and kind.

[lemondrop21]

 

You are already 5 weeks no contact and I have not started mine. I did not want to ruin his vacation by ending it before he left. My replies to his emails have been short, but I really don't want to ruin his trip. How to talk to him about it when he gets back is another story. Good luck with moving forward. I know how much this hurts. FYI, I know he won't leave his wife. I have known for about 2 years, but still stayed. As someone else here said, he is exactly where he wants to be.

 

He got himself into this mess just as much as you did and "not ruining his trip" should be the least of your worries. Over Christmas I kept communication with MM through Christmas Day, then blocked him on the 27th without warning because he had gone dark since Christmas Eve and I couldn't stand checking the email account anymore and wondering when he would write. The week prior, he had just been sending me these updates of what he and the kid had done, and I just thought ...why? Why bother? I am not a part of this, why do I even need to know?

 

The day I blocked, and the 2 weeks that followed until he returned, were a huge relief for me. I was busy processing the end of my long term relationship, moving some old things out of xbf's apartment, etc. and I needed to do that alone, because the false sense of "support" from MM hurt even worse. You might find some relief in taking a few days of space from him until he gets back and you can have your "big conversation." You could tell him you are taking space if you want to, but then go dark. Just something to think about.