Leaving marriage after affair

[lemondrop21]

txgrl,

I do actually think MM is happier in his marriage since I came along. Prior to our A he was upset about their sex life. He said she didn't like him like that. If a guy is getting some, he is a much happier husband. Doesn't matter if W is providing it or OW.

YES, my experience too. At one point he remarked "You know, it's strange because everyone is happier at home now" and I thought "Well no sh** Sherlock, because you're not storming around with your pent-up rage at your wife anymore since you're now getting laid regularly."

 

Their marriage is saved now, at least for the time being. I've always been curious what it would be like at this point if I had never gotten into the A.

[txgrl]

Oh GOd, the level of delusion on this thread .

 

How do you ladies know the MM was not getting it at home too? Because he told you so??

 

Babs I ended it and sure I struggled with it . I jut never deluded myself into believing that the A was somehow helping my M or the OM's life . It was making everything messy and atleast I admitted that I was being a fool .

 

Well good luck !

[oldshirt]

Very few affairs survive the dissolution of a marriage.

 

A little extra fun and excitement on the side is fine and dandy when people are married and have a full time spouse and coparent in the house. In those cases the extra kibbles that people get from an AP are often enough.

 

And since in many instances, the AP is just out for some extra kibbles and poon also, it's a perfect arrangement. And many times that's all they are will to provide.

 

So when a marriage dissolves, it fundamentally changes the dynamics, objectives and parameters of the R.

 

When you were married and had a full time partner and coparent, getting the extra attention, sexuality and fun from an AP was good enough and your AP was happy to provide you some extra sex.

 

But now that you are separated with pending divorce, it's a whole new reality for both of you. As single woman now, you may want more than a quick romp in the broom closet at work and getting an occasional "checking in" txt from the AP isn't enough.

 

And your AP may have been perfectly happy to have a hot, sweaty afternooner in a motel room and then send you home, but he has no interest in dealing with a single woman who now wants a full-service relationship with all the trimmings.

 

A 5 year A may seem like a long time and seem like a big investment, but in reality it was easy and no one really asked much of anyone other than a few sexy txts and orgasms, the bar is really quite low.

 

Now you are a single woman you want more from him, but he wants less from you.

 

My reccomendation is shift your life gears completely and start looking for single men that want an actual relationship and not married men that just want extra kibbles.

[oldshirt]

Divorces end about as many affairs as they do marriages.

[Poppy47]

Oh GOd, the level of delusion on this thread .

 

How do you ladies know the MM was not getting it at home too? Because he told you so??

 

Babs I ended it and sure I struggled with it . I jut never deluded myself into believing that the A was somehow helping my M or the OM's life . It was making everything messy and atleast I admitted that I was being a fool .

 

Well good luck !

I agree. An affair is NOT helpful to any marriage. It takes the spouse's mind away from where it should be. It puts the other spouse in the position of being dreadfully hurt and damaged for ever more.

 

Poppy

[Cabotine67]

Very few affairs survive the dissolution of a marriage.

 

A little extra fun and excitement on the side is fine and dandy when people are married and have a full time spouse and coparent in the house. In those cases the extra kibbles that people get from an AP are often enough.

 

And since in many instances, the AP is just out for some extra kibbles and poon also, it's a perfect arrangement. And many times that's all they are will to provide.

 

So when a marriage dissolves, it fundamentally changes the dynamics, objectives and parameters of the R.

 

When you were married and had a full time partner and coparent, getting the extra attention, sexuality and fun from an AP was good enough and your AP was happy to provide you some extra sex.

 

But now that you are separated with pending divorce, it's a whole new reality for both of you. As single woman now, you may want more than a quick romp in the broom closet at work and getting an occasional "checking in" txt from the AP isn't enough.

 

And your AP may have been perfectly happy to have a hot, sweaty afternooner in a motel room and then send you home, but he has no interest in dealing with a single woman who now wants a full-service relationship with all the trimmings.

 

A 5 year A may seem like a long time and seem like a big investment, but in reality it was easy and no one really asked much of anyone other than a few sexy txts and orgasms, the bar is really quite low.

 

Now you are a single woman you want more from him, but he wants less from you.

 

My reccomendation is shift your life gears completely and start looking for single men that want an actual relationship and not married men that just want extra kibbles.

 

I dare say that what you say carries a great deal of truth. I think that is why I didn't leave my marriage until after my AP left, as I was afraid it would jeopardise my A, for the reasons you state.

 

I don't think this is the reason my AP has backed off though. He moved away before I left my M. When he found out I was leaving my marriage, he seemed more keen, not less. I have made no demands on him, other than to not be ignored but I won't even be asking that of him again.

 

I agree about the shifting gears but, right now, that doesn't include 'looking' for another man.

[Cabotine67]

Again , with due respect ..

 

No one is being ' nice and decent ' while engaging in an A .

 

I'm jut trying to make her think that this might just be another excuse to not send that final txt/ email to put an end to all of this .

 

Sometimes the behaviour of those in affair may not be 'nice' or 'decent'. This does not mean they are not 'nice' or 'decent' people.

[Cabotine67]

Divorces end about as many affairs as they do marriages.

 

Do they? Is this your opinion or is it based in fact?

[Babs22]

Oh GOd, the level of delusion on this thread .

 

How do you ladies know the MM was not getting it at home too? Because he told you so??

 

Babs I ended it and sure I struggled with it . I jut never deluded myself into believing that the A was somehow helping my M or the OM's life . It was making everything messy and atleast I admitted that I was being a fool .

 

Well good luck !

 

txgrl,

 

Not saying what I did wasn't foolish. I own what I have done. I never said it helped my marriage, as a matter of fact, it absolutely destroyed what was left of it because I could not have sex with MM and my H at the same time. Since I can not have sex with my H any more, my marriage is over. I do not know how you were able to keep your relationship going with your H at the same time that you were having an A. Except for right when the A started and I thought somehow we would end up together, I have not been deluded.

 

All I can say that is in my case, my MM has been happier now than he was when I met him 3 years ago. He has his cake and can eat it too and yes, he is happier and they seem to be getting along better. It could be due to something other than our A, like her taking hormones or medication. MM are just so much better at compartmentalizing their feelings. They can carry on two relationships at the same time and seemingly never miss a beat.

 

As for lying about sex. He did not lie to me about him having sex with his wife prior to his surgery. He was upfront about the fact that they were having sex. Once he had surgery, he could not have sex without assistance for at least a year. He couldn't even fake that. He is now capable of having sex, but I haven't asked him if he does or not. I know that he isn't leaving her, so whether or not they are having sex is kind of a moot point.

[oldshirt]

Do they? Is this your opinion or is it based in fact?

 

It's my opinion based on what I have seen countless times in real life and seen again and again and again and again and again etc here on this and other forums.

 

If you do a quick Google search and type in, "how many affairs end in marriage?" You will see that my observations are pretty much on the money.

 

An even more daunting aspect is that statistically, of the very few affair partners that marry, 75% will divorce.

 

The prospects of living happily ever after with an affair partner are extremely low.

 

IMHO your R with your AP lasted so long is because your H didn't care you that lived a separate life from him and you didn't ask anything more of your OM than fun and orgasms. When your M finally died and you were figuretively a single woman wanting a full service relationship, that fundamentally changed the core dynamics of your R with OM and he opted out.

[Cabotine67]

It's my opinion based on what I have seen countless times in real life and seen again and again and again and again and again etc here on this and other forums.

 

If you do a quick Google search and type in, "how many affairs end in marriage?" You will see that my observations are pretty much on the money.

 

An even more daunting aspect is that statistically, of the very few affair partners that marry, 75% will divorce.

 

The prospects of living happily ever after with an affair partner are extremely low.

 

IMHO your R with your AP lasted so long is because your H didn't care you that lived a separate life from him and you didn't ask anything more of your OM than fun and orgasms. When your M finally died and you were figuretively a single woman wanting a full service relationship, that fundamentally changed the core dynamics of your R with OM and he opted out.

 

Thanks for the clarification. Yes, from everything I have read about affairs, I would agree that chances of the APs ending up happily together seem to be very slim. From people I know, however, the picture is somewhat different.

 

I welcome your opinion and thoughts about my A and you are probably largely correct. The only point I do not agree with is about the end of my marriage making such an impact. He had already left by then.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Appreciated.

[oldshirt]

Also my opinion is based on my first hand experiences as a serial OM in my youth.

 

I had a number of affairs with multiple married women including a few that lasted for several years to one degree or another.

 

I did not for a minute consider having a real relationship with any of them if any were to divorce. One even asked me if I would have her if she divorced, and I matter of factly told her no.

 

Our relationships were based on the fact they had their home, family and relationship needs met by their husbands and their fun and orgasm needs met by me. They didn't want more from me and I wasn't willing to provide more.

 

And I know this sounds chauvinistic and boarish but there was no way I could respect someone as a wife when I knew firsthand what they would do behind their husbands back. I never said the cosmos was fair.

 

While I did sincerely like them and enjoyed their company, our relationships were predicated on them showing up at my house at odd hours and banging one out.

 

I had no interest in wining and dining them, taking walks on the beach with them, meeting their friends and family, washing their laundry, dealing with their kids, rubbing their feet etc.

 

that was their husband's job to take care of that stuff and I made sure that I did everything I could to make sure their H's didn't find out and made sure they stayed with their H because my supply of quick and easy tail depended on it.

 

If they and their H split up, it would cost me poon.

 

I don't intend this to be mean or rub salt in your wounds, but rather to be blunt and not sugarcoat the reality. And the reality is the vast vast majority of affairs need the players to remain married in order to survive.

[Cabotine67]

Also my opinion is based on my first hand experiences as a serial OM in my youth.

 

I had a number of affairs with multiple married women including a few that lasted for several years to one degree or another.

 

I did not for a minute consider having a real relationship with any of them if any were to divorce. One even asked me if I would have her if she divorced, and I matter of factly told her no.

 

Our relationships were based on the fact they had their home, family and relationship needs met by their husbands and their fun and orgasm needs met by me. They didn't want more from me and I wasn't willing to provide more.

 

And I know this sounds chauvinistic and boarish but there was no way I could respect someone as a wife when I knew firsthand what they would do behind their husbands back. I never said the cosmos was fair.

 

While I did sincerely like them and enjoyed their company, our relationships were predicated on them showing up at my house at odd hours and banging one out.

 

I had no interest in wining and dining them, taking walks on the beach with them, meeting their friends and family, washing their laundry, dealing with their kids, rubbing their feet etc.

 

that was their husband's job to take care of that stuff and I made sure that I did everything I could to make sure their H's didn't find out and made sure they stayed with their H because my supply of quick and easy tail depended on it.

 

If they and their H split up, it would cost me poon.

 

I don't intend this to be mean or rub salt in your wounds, but rather to be blunt and not sugarcoat the reality. And the reality is the vast vast majority of affairs need the players to remain married in order to survive.

 

I totally understand what you are saying and I appreciiate your frankness.

 

I would be interested to know though, would you still be unable to respect a MW who was having an A whilst effectively living separately from her husband (as I was), or would this make no difference?

 

Just interested.

[oldshirt]

 

While I did sincerely like them and enjoyed their company, our relationships were predicated on them showing up at my house at odd hours and banging one out.

 

I had no interest in wining and dining them, taking walks on the beach with them, meeting their friends and family, washing their laundry, dealing with their kids, rubbing their feet etc.

 

that was their husband's job to take care of that stuff and I made sure that I did everything I could to make sure their H's didn't find out and made sure they stayed with their H because my supply of quick and easy tail depended on it.

 

If they and their H split up, it would cost me poon.

 

I don't intend this to be mean or rub salt in your wounds, but rather to be blunt and not sugarcoat the reality. And the reality is the vast vast majority of affairs need the players to remain married in order to survive.

 

 

 

....and this above is why whenever someone here writes in that they discovered their spouse in an ongoing affair, I will advocate them kicking them out and filing for divorce 99% of the time.

 

The quickest and most efficient way to kill an affair and clear the affair fog is to set that person free, expose the affair and hand them to the AP on a silver platter.

 

95% of the time the affair will drop in its tracks once the WS shows up on the AP's doorstep with a bag full of dirty laundry, a bunch of bills and a flock of young kids in tow.

 

Of the 5% of the time that the WS and AP are truly in love and end up together, they would've ended up together anyway so nothing is really changed.

 

Affairs need marriages and need supporting BS's to flourish.

 

Take away the marriage and take away the BS providing acceptance and support, the affair dies.

[oldshirt]

I totally understand what you are saying and I appreciiate your frankness.

 

I would be interested to know though, would you still be unable to respect a MW who was having an A whilst effectively living separately from her husband (as I was), or would this make no difference?

 

Just interested.

 

If anything it would make me respect that person less.

 

To me staying with someone you don't live and don't have a romantic/sexual relationship with is simply exploitive, manipulative and lazy.

 

If you are sexually involved with another man but stay with your H for the creature comforts, IMHO that just means you are exploiting his weakness and are living off of his efforts and resources as a parasite so you can have an easy life and have your fun and excitement with someone else.

 

It's capitalizing on your H's trust and naivete for your own gain at his expense.

 

I could have sex with a woman that does that, but I could never knowingly enter an actual relationship with one.

 

There is an old adage -"if someone will cheat with you, they will cheat on you."

 

I could never knowingly put myself in the role of being the chump staying home paying the bills, feeding the kids, doing the laundry etc while she is out having wild porn sex with someone else.

 

As another man, you know more than anyone else what the WW does behind her H's back. I could never ride off into the sunset with a WW stayed with a BH after becoming involved with someone else.

[Cabotine67]

If anything it would make me respect that person less.

 

To me staying with someone you don't live and don't have a romantic/sexual relationship with is simply exploitive, manipulative and lazy.

 

If you are sexually involved with another man but stay with your H for the creature comforts, IMHO that just means you are exploiting his weakness and are living off of his efforts and resources as a parasite so you can have an easy life and have your fun and excitement with someone else.

 

It's capitalizing on your H's trust and naivete for your own gain at his expense.

 

I could have sex with a woman that does that, but I could never knowingly enter an actual relationship with one.

 

There is an old adage -"if someone will cheat with you, they will cheat on you."

 

I could never knowingly put myself in the role of being the chump staying home paying the bills, feeding the kids, doing the laundry etc while she is out having wild porn sex with someone else.

 

As another man, you know more than anyone else what the WW does behind her H's back. I could never ride off into the sunset with a WW stayed with a BH after becoming involved with someone else.

 

Interesting.

 

Not all marriages, in this day and age, mean that the man is the one who pays the bills! That is naïve to assume. Certainly in my marriage, we both earned the same and any 'creature comforts' were shared equally.

 

I think that my husband was upset when I left as, amongst other things, he would be losing some of his 'creature comforts' and that included my income.

 

Also, it would very rarely be possible to leave a marriage rapidly. It needs to be thought through carefully. Things need to be put in place. I stayed too long: I would admit to that. I would never consider myself a 'parasite', however.

[sandylee1]

txgrl,

 

Since I can not have sex with my H any more, my marriage is over. I do not know how you were able to keep your relationship going with your H at the same time that you were having an A. Except for right when the A started and I thought somehow we would end up together, I have not been deluded.

 

.

 

Babs

 

How does your husband deal with no sex? Does he just accept you're not interested.

 

What's your reason or excuse to him.

 

No sex is one of the reasons many MM give for cheating .... so I was thinking your H could do so .... would it bother you if he was cheating?

[gettingstronger]

Maybe you are not as "safe" as you were when you were married- I recall an email exchange I read between my husband and our OW- she was thinking of filing for divorce, my husband wished her good luck but told her (in not so many words) that their relationship would be over since the shift in status would also lead to a shift in expectations and if she wanted to be single, she should be single and be with single men- she never filed and dropped it totally-

[amomwhoknows]

Maybe you are not as "safe" as you were when you were married- I recall an email exchange I read between my husband and our OW- she was thinking of filing for divorce, my husband wished her good luck but told her (in not so many words) that their relationship would be over since the shift in status would also lead to a shift in expectations and if she wanted to be single, she should be single and be with single men- she never filed and dropped it totally-

 

If you read "adultery" boards, a great many MM talk about never cheating with single women. Ever. They advise other MM to avoid single women for the reasons gettingstronger posted.

 

Keep in mind that your MM may see leaving his marriage as an opportunity to freely explore what/who is available out there. And by you leaving yours, it sends a signal to him that you may want "more." He very well may not.

[Cabotine67]

Maybe you are not as "safe" as you were when you were married- I recall an email exchange I read between my husband and our OW- she was thinking of filing for divorce, my husband wished her good luck but told her (in not so many words) that their relationship would be over since the shift in status would also lead to a shift in expectations and if she wanted to be single, she should be single and be with single men- she never filed and dropped it totally-

 

Fair point. You may well be right. Just as well I left my marriage because it was over for me and no other reason.

[jenkins95]

If you read "adultery" boards, a great many MM talk about never cheating with single women. Ever. They advise other MM to avoid single women for the reasons gettingstronger posted.

 

Keep in mind that your MM may see leaving his marriage as an opportunity to freely explore what/who is available out there. And by you leaving yours, it sends a signal to him that you may want "more." He very well may not.

 

Yes, for me, when my OW suddenly became single (her BF discovered - and walked), the dynamic changed immediately. It was the beginning of the end for me because I knew that I would not leave my family and I was very uncomfortable carrying on an affair with a single girl: -

 

1. I felt bad for tying her into an affair when she could/should now be hitting the singles market.

 

2. I became very jealous that people would get to know that she was now officially single and was now suddenly available.

 

3. She suddenly had extra time on her hands and I couldn't cope with the extra expectations and neediness. I still had a double life to lead, while she now only had one.

 

Stress and guilt levels were already through the roof and this made it unbearable. Even though I had developed strong feelings for her and the A was emotional and physical, being together exclusively was never part of the deal.

 

It took us a long time to end it from that point because we were weak and deeply hooked on each other, but her becoming single was the start of it's demise - that's when the sleepless nights really began for me.

Edited March 30, 2016 by jenkins95

[oldshirt]

Fair point. You may well be right. Just as well I left my marriage because it was over for me and no other reason.

 

As far as I am concerned you are now a single woman and free to do as you wish.

 

Some will disagree and consider you married until the final divorce decree is issued, but I consider someone who has announced their intentions, moved out of the marital home and filed the divorce paperwork as a single person....it just takes the courthouse some time to get caught up with the paperwork.

 

I think your AP has also made it clear he no longer wishes to pursue a R with you and has no intentions of continuing anything further.

 

It is for those reasons I reccomend you shift gears and move on to the singles market as a single woman and hit the "reset" button and start dating as a single and put the infidelity world behind you.

 

For right or wrong, The world of infidelity served it's purpose but you are now free and single. That is a whole other world to explore.

[Babs22]

Babs

 

How does your husband deal with no sex? Does he just accept you're not interested.

 

What's your reason or excuse to him.

 

No sex is one of the reasons many MM give for cheating .... so I was thinking your H could do so .... would it bother you if he was cheating?

 

Sandylee,

No, my H does not just accept that I am not interested. We have discussed it on a couple of occasions. I told him I didn't have those feelings for him anymore and I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. He isn't happy about it of course. He has told me he is unhappy and wants to leave. I am ok with that, but so far nothing has happened. We don't talk (his choice) and I've moved into another room.

 

I would be ok if he cheated, but he is not the type to meet people easily. He is very shy and introverted. He will be 60 this year. I am 51. He is from another country but has lived here a long time. I could see him meeting someone there easily because he would be quite the catch. Many woman from there frequently marry American's with no love being necessary. His brothers wife is like that.

 

I am not sure why H hasn't pulled the trigger to divorce me. Anyway. We are both unhappy. I'd be fine if he would cheat. Hoping to divorce soon. Hoping we can both cooperate on getting it done the easy way. I am going to make a consultation meeting with a lawyer this week. I have no idea what H is thinking so I guess I need to get this ball rolling.

[Cabotine67]

As far as I am concerned you are now a single woman and free to do as you wish.

 

Some will disagree and consider you married until the final divorce decree is issued, but I consider someone who has announced their intentions, moved out of the marital home and filed the divorce paperwork as a single person....it just takes the courthouse some time to get caught up with the paperwork.

 

I think your AP has also made it clear he no longer wishes to pursue a R with you and has no intentions of continuing anything further.

 

It is for those reasons I reccomend you shift gears and move on to the singles market as a single woman and hit the "reset" button and start dating as a single and put the infidelity world behind you.

 

 

 

For right or wrong, The world of infidelity served it's purpose but you are now free and single. That is a whole other world to explore.

 

Thanks. I agree I am now single. I am not ready to date anyone right now. If/when I do, you can rest assured I'll be making sure they are not in a committed relationship.

 

Have to disagree however about my AP: he has not made it clear that he no longer wishes to pursue a R with me or continue anything further. I have taken the hint but that is all it is: a pathetic hint. No clarity about it!

[Cabotine67]

Yes, for me, when my OW suddenly became single (her BF discovered - and walked), the dynamic changed immediately. It was the beginning of the end for me because I knew that I would not leave my family and I was very uncomfortable carrying on an affair with a single girl: -

 

1. I felt bad for tying her into an affair when she could/should now be hitting the singles market.

 

2. I became very jealous that people would get to know that she was now officially single and was now suddenly available.

 

3. She suddenly had extra time on her hands and I couldn't cope with the extra expectations and neediness. I still had a double life to lead, while she now only had one.

 

Stress and guilt levels were already through the roof and this made it unbearable. Even though I had developed strong feelings for her and the A was emotional and physical, being together exclusively was never part of the deal.

 

It took us a long time to end it from that point because we were weak and deeply hooked on each other, but her becoming single was the start of it's demise - that's when the sleepless nights really began for me.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

In my A I think point 2. on your list may possibly apply and possibly point 1. to some degree. Point 3. Is definitely not applicable- no neediness or higher expectations from me.

 

I could be very wrong, of course and my AP could have backed off for the reasons you say.

 

However, I was effectively single throughout our A. Emotionally I feel the same. I have left my husband (who I was merely sharing a house with); that is geography. My AP knew all along I was only attached to him ie. AP emotionally and physically.