So humiliated over begging texts

[Rachel39]

Thank you for taking the time out to send that message.... Can I ask how you have coped and how long it's been for you. Do you have any contact with him since the split.

 

He was very much in my sons life even though he's not his dad it's just all so complicated in my head. He said he would text my son this eve as he's struggled with it but I'm not sure it's a good idea so I haven't given him my sins number he's only 13 but has found it so hard as his dad walked out 5 years ago

[Zahara]

Thank you for taking the time out to send that message.... Can I ask how you have coped and how long it's been for you. Do you have any contact with him since the split.

 

He was very much in my sons life even though he's not his dad it's just all so complicated in my head. He said he would text my son this eve as he's struggled with it but I'm not sure it's a good idea so I haven't given him my sins number he's only 13 but has found it so hard as his dad walked out 5 years ago

 

Just as you need to go complete NC with this man, you will need to implement that with your son as well. Cut the cord, quick and fast and heal from this. Both of you.

[Rachel39]

I was thinking that too.... It will probably make it worse for him

[bathtub-row]

When you're alone and your son isn't around, cry your heart out until you can't cry anymore. Then rinse and repeat.

 

Does it help to know that almost everyone has been where you are? -- at that stage where you feel like you'd sell your soul to the devil if it would bring that person back? Does it help to know that almost everyone has gotten past it?

 

Stop trying to bargain with this guy. I know it hurts like hell - ok, like 10 hells - but you've got to get a grip on yourself. For your sake. Look, no matter how aloof he seems, no one - and I mean NO ONE - walks away from a relationship unscathed and untouched and confident that leaving is the best thing. Whatever face he's putting on for you, believe me, he has his doubts and he's not as indifferent as he appears. Now don't take that as a sign that he'll come back. What I'm trying to say is that the appearance he puts on is not all what it seems.

[Zahara]

I was thinking that too.... It will probably make it worse for him

 

Yes, and it will also affect you.

 

This is very painful for you. But staying in contact is only going to make you feel even worse because with the end of every text or call, the realization that your relationship is over will hit you like a ton of bricks. The realization that it'll never be more than that sporadic communication will gauge at your wound over and over again. It's pain on an indefinite cycle.

 

Complete NC -- suffer that temporary pain and push through because just like you, we've all moved on -- each at their own pace but never to remain stagnant in pain and confusion.

 

So, do the healthy albeit painful thing for you and your son -- cut him out and do not attempt or accept contact moving forward.

[Rachel39]

Thank you for that reply..... I know he doesn't want me back and from today I will try to accept that.... And I will never ask him again that I know!

 

Just to know he may of struggled with this decision or it may of affected him at some point gives me a little sense of ease although doesn't take the pain away.

 

He just doesn't show anything at all never has given anything away, in the relationship even buying a car the guy said he just couldn't read him.

 

It's just nice to hear you say that

[BC1980]

I'd also like to reiterate that you should cut off contact between your ex and your son. That was some of the best advice given to me actually. I was very active in the life of my ex's son because his mother died when he was very young. He didn't remember her at all, so I was basically the only mother figure he knew at that point. So it was very hard for me to let go of him and to figure out what to do. Everyone on LS said to cut contact with both of them, and that was sound advice. It will happen anyway with time, so it's better to just cut it off at the beginning.

[Rachel39]

Is there any help out for people who are struggling with breakups ..... O have become obsessed over the whole situation and it's destroying me.

 

I wake up I'm thinking about him all day up untill I go to sleep.... It's 4 months this can't be normal.... I'm full of anxiety, woke up at 5am this morning.....

 

Break ups are difficult enough without having obsessive compulsive disorder with thoughts so my mind can't process the breakup as a normal person because I'm struggling with the obsessive thoughts of wanting to be with him.

 

I'm really struggling with it all

[keiji]

Is there any help out for people who are struggling with breakups ..... O have become obsessed over the whole situation and it's destroying me.

 

I wake up I'm thinking about him all day up untill I go to sleep.... It's 4 months this can't be normal.... I'm full of anxiety, woke up at 5am this morning.....

 

Break ups are difficult enough without having obsessive compulsive disorder with thoughts so my mind can't process the breakup as a normal person because I'm struggling with the obsessive thoughts of wanting to be with him.

 

I'm really struggling with it all

 

It seems obvious that you've reached a point of anxiety over the breakup where you can't deal with it yourself. And you know what? It's perfectly normal and that doesn't turn you into a weak person, which is probably what crosses your mind right now. I definitely suggest you to try therapy. My experience with it has been incredibly positive. As soon as I knew she wouldn't be back, I found myself a new brain doctor and started sessions that week. I've improved enormously. The therapist will provide the rational answers you're seeking, and these probably come from within, not your ex.

 

Also, if you can't handle the anxiety, don't hesitate to go on medication (supervised by a doctor, obviously). Don't take this as a defeat. Some of us find it difficult to accept a loss. Others can't stomach flights or the sight of a spider, even if it's not a deathly experience. Don't beat yourself up for it. Anxiety is a product of your body going on "reset" function, that's all, and sometimes you need to slow down and go back to a normal state of mind where you can process all you're going through. I've been on medication for 2.5 months and it's worked. Next week I'll start withdrawing from it following my doctors' guidelines. Some people resort to drugs or alcohol, some people go on dating like nuts and some others need medication. There's nothing wrong with it. Please, don't suffer unnecessarily.

 

Be strong!

Edited April 15, 2016 by keiji

[Rachel39]

Can I ask did you pay privately... I'm here in the uk.... Iv just phoned my doctors and have an appointment on Monday... It takes weeks to get any treatments around 3 months I think....

 

I really don't want to take antidepressants as I had them years ago and had a hard time on them and coming off them....

 

I know I am depressed my thoughts go like this. I have no purpose or meaning of been here.... I'm empty inside.... I have no interest in my life my work or college....

I just get up get dressed drop my son at school come home and obsess over him...that been for 3 months il nip out when I have work as I'm freelance but come back.

 

I put him in such a high pedestal that it's reversed roles he thought he was the luckiest man alive when he met me 2 years ago and wished he'd if met me years ago ...now that's changed he doesn't want me... He can't cope with one or as time for one how is that fair on me.

 

I asked why he'd asked me to move back home with him after Xmas and he said to see what you would say but hes now Iv a different frame of mind.

 

Who does that he just wanted to have me as he thought he couldn't then the novelty has just wore off my life and mental health isn't a joke.

 

Before all of this I was studying hard had a dream to open my own skin clinic and was getting distinctions in my work.... I loved roller skating and went to the gym everyday..... I was full of life and used to be so much fun. I'm 39 and do not want to be going through this

 

I'm attractive and have such a beautiful personallity maybe that's my downfall

 

This man Persued me for a long time then planned a life with me and my son and when problems arises he decided to just walk away... I had a termination last year because he said he would leave me.

 

He has completely messed with my fragile mind I had come out of a 16yr relationship that was mentally abusive where he cheated left and married her he knew this and how I'd finally just got over it all it all when he met me.

 

I feel like I was a guineau pig for him test a relationship out on me... He's had several failed relationships before me... That had all ended abup you on him or he walked away because he was depressed been in them.

 

Why am I blaming myself for all of this,

[keiji]

Can I ask did you pay privately... I'm here in the uk.... Iv just phoned my doctors and have an appointment on Monday... It takes weeks to get any treatments around 3 months I think....

 

I really don't want to take antidepressants as I had them years ago and had a hard time on them and coming off them....

 

I know I am depressed my thoughts go like this. I have no purpose or meaning of been here.... I'm empty inside.... I have no interest in my life my work or college....

I just get up get dressed drop my son at school come home and obsess over him...that been for 3 months il nip out when I have work as I'm freelance but come back.

 

I put him in such a high pedestal that it's reversed roles he thought he was the luckiest man alive when he met me 2 years ago and wished he'd if met me years ago ...now that's changed he doesn't want me... He can't cope with one or as time for one how is that fair on me.

 

I asked why he'd asked me to move back home with him after Xmas and he said to see what you would say but hes now Iv a different frame of mind.

 

Who does that he just wanted to have me as he thought he couldn't then the novelty has just wore off my life and mental health isn't a joke.

 

Before all of this I was studying hard had a dream to open my own skin clinic and was getting distinctions in my work.... I loved roller skating and went to the gym everyday..... I was full of life and used to be so much fun. I'm 39 and do not want to be going through this

 

I'm attractive and have such a beautiful personallity maybe that's my downfall

 

This man Persued me for a long time then planned a life with me and my son and when problems arises he decided to just walk away... I had a termination last year because he said he would leave me.

 

He has completely messed with my fragile mind I had come out of a 16yr relationship that was mentally abusive where he cheated left and married her he knew this and how I'd finally just got over it all it all when he met me.

 

I feel like I was a guineau pig for him test a relationship out on me... He's had several failed relationships before me... That had all ended abup you on him or he walked away because he was depressed been in them.

 

Why am I blaming myself for all of this,

 

I'm from Barcelona, so I guess it works differently, but in this cases I always go to my private doctor. It's faster and the supervision is much, much better. Don't wait any longer. It's almost like suffering for the sake of it. I recommend you to try Citalopram. It's billed as an antidepressant, but the action balances anxiety as well. The most important thing is that it barely has any side effects or none at all and it's not addictive (you can get it over the counter here). I've taken it a few times in my life and it works wonders. In 7-10 days you'll start feeling so much better. Take my advice, please.

 

I'm glad you haven't forgotten that you're an attractive woman with a beautiful personality. Remind this to yourself as often as you can. That's what counts in the end, even if you find it useless right now. Try to banish the "what ifs" and "whys" from your mind. Relationships end and yes, some people are selfish and two-faced. It's them who walk away with that s**t on their shoulders. My ex-g (who's British, btw) seemed the sweetest girl in the world. Well, she wasn't. Turns out she's one of the most selfish, shallow, insensitive and careless persons I've ever met. it took a while for me to accept this, but now I wouldn't want her back even if my life depended on it. I'm a nice guy, attractive it seems, with a very good reputation in my field, I have my own flat, a wonderful family and friends, the prettiest cat in the world and a few girls who say I'm really worth it as a person and would love to be with me. A friend of mine even asked me if I'd be willing to impregnate her so she could have a second child! Someone thinks my genes are cool What else can I ask for? My ex-g loses. In time, your self-esteem will get a boost and you'll start seeing this just like I do now.

 

We all lose perspective, and you'll regain it when you keep anxiety at bay.

 

LOVE YOURSELF.

[Rachel39]

It's such an attacks on you when someone walks away and you question everything about yourself.

 

I know it's his loss but it doesn't seem that way at the moment and I just wish he would see it too. Instead of me feeling terrible, I know all of his faults and traits but yet my heart overrides the lot of them.

 

Because in my mind if he had all these flaws... I must be terrible if he was able to walk away from me....

 

After all he left saying your a good person and a good looking girl.... What is that ment to make me feel better after he leaves....

[Raina314]

Rejection from the one you love tends to override all your logical knowledge for a while, unfortunately. I always felt good about myself and knew I was a good catch, but when my ex dumped me I really fell into this spiral of self loathing and basically thought he was God and I was just dirt.

 

This article really helped me:How to Handle Rejection

 

Its nothing revolutionary, but it lays out the truth behind these feelings nicely and just rereading it and repeating it to myself over and over again helped me a little bit

[keiji]

Because in my mind if he had all these flaws... I must be terrible if he was able to walk away from me....

 

Terrible thinking, just terrible. Are men you don't find attractive any less attractive for it? The same applies here.

[stillafool]

Rachel you are at a point where you need therapy to help you through this. You have to find someone who can help you pull yourself together for your childs sake. You cannot just keep going on like this asking yourself the same questions over and over when the answers are still going to be the same. He is gone and you have to pull yourself up and move forward for your son's sake.

[Rachel39]

Yes Iv just started to realise I do..... Iv just phoned the doctors have an app on Monday.... It's taken me 4 months to realise I need help.

 

I guess I struggled accepting it's over but I know for now it is and I'm hoping I time I wont want him and will be relieved when this is all over.

 

For now I feel so empty and there is just a stillness

[stillafool]

Yes Iv just started to realise I do..... Iv just phoned the doctors have an app on Monday.... It's taken me 4 months to realise I need help.

 

I guess I struggled accepting it's over but I know for now it is and I'm hoping I time I wont want him and will be relieved when this is all over.

 

For now I feel so empty and there is just a stillness

 

You have to remove the "for now" from your mind and accept that IT IS OVER or you will not be able to move on and heal. You will hold out hope where there is none. Good that you have an appointment on Monday. That's a great start.

[BC1980]

I had a termination last year because he said he would leave me.

 

Can you explain this? Do you mean you terminated a pregnancy or were terminated from a job?

[Rachel39]

Yes I was pregnant he said he couldn't do it again and would end up leaving me if i was to keep the baby... He stated he was so depressed over it all and was in a mess. I went ahead and it has really affected me. It was just over a year ago Iv only just started feel ok about it all and then he left in the end

[Buddhist]

Is there any help out for people who are struggling with breakups ..... O have become obsessed over the whole situation and it's destroying me.

 

I wake up I'm thinking about him all day up untill I go to sleep.... It's 4 months this can't be normal.... I'm full of anxiety, woke up at 5am this morning.....

 

Break ups are difficult enough without having obsessive compulsive disorder with thoughts so my mind can't process the breakup as a normal person because I'm struggling with the obsessive thoughts of wanting to be with him.

 

I'm really struggling with it all

 

Yes, there is. Here it is.

 

He wasn't offering you a relationship, he was offering a role to play. When you can't voice yourself authentically in a relationship and ask for what you want it's because you've been assigned a role by the other person and unless you play it the way they want, you are out.

 

At 40 I was in the exact same situation as you. Thought I had found the love of my life, it was all beer and skittles until we got engaged. Then suddenly there was this massive expectation from him about what role I was now to play as his official SO. Let me tell you it wasn't a role I was interested in playing. We had a big argument one night in which he sat me down and proceeded to inform me of everything that was wrong with me and what he expected me to do about.

 

At that point I asked him to stop talking. I told him, I was fine just as I am. I also told him I wasn't interested in adjusting my behaviour to suit him and the role he had in mind for me. His facial expression told me everything. It was very obvious he was having a WTF moment. No-one in his life had ever told him where to shove his expectations before and that they weren't interested in playing his role play.

 

Of course the relationship was over then and there and to be honest, it was one of the few times in my life where I authentically stood up for myself. I knew in that moment this was not going to a journey of two people working together but one of master and servant. I wasn't interested in that.

 

Yes it took me a long time to get over it. Mostly because what I had lost was not a soulmate or lifetime partner, but an illusion. That relationship was never going anywhere good, the instant he trotted out his laundry list of expected behaviours and wants I knew I was looking at a job description not a relationship. It took a long time for my mind to let go of the dream of a committed, stable relationship and accept the reality that he was looking for someone to fill a role.

 

It seems to be a right of passage for everyone to encounter this at some point. That doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make us feel any less cheated out of our expectations and hopes. But it is unfortunately necessary to teach us what a relationship is, and what it isn't. What I and you have to be thankful for, is that we didn't marry into a job. It doesn't get easier to let it go once you've made a formal commitment to it or travelled with it for a while. In fact I imagine waking up 5yrs into a marriage and coming the same realisation would be a bigger kick in the guts.

[Rachel39]

Yes, there is. Here it is.

 

He wasn't offering you a relationship, he was offering a role to play. When you can't voice yourself authentically in a relationship and ask for what you want it's because you've been assigned a role by the other person and unless you play it the way they want, you are out.

 

 

I have never read anything that's sums up just what I feel exactly has happened to me. He was waiting for an opportunity to close the door and unfortunately it was over something minor that could of easily been sorted.

 

Doesnt take away the pain knowing this though.... I have accepted it's over now it's starting to sink in but I'm just full of anxiety Iv woke up with such a knot in my stomach

[Rachel39]

I feel so low today..... I have accepted it's over and not contacted him since Friday its been 4 months since we split and I'just feel so empty inside it doesn't matter where I go or who I'm with.

 

There is just a horrible stillness within me..... How can this get any better at my age I'm nearly 40 I don't want to meet any one else I don't want to be with anyone else he was all i ever wanted even after 2 years I was so excited to see him still

[Zahara]

I feel so low today..... I have accepted it's over and not contacted him since Friday its been 4 months since we split and I'just feel so empty inside it doesn't matter where I go or who I'm with.

 

There is just a horrible stillness within me..... How can this get any better at my age I'm nearly 40 I don't want to meet any one else I don't want to be with anyone else he was all i ever wanted even after 2 years I was so excited to see him still

 

Eventhough it's been 4 months since the ending, you feel as if you've gotten no where with your healing because you've been having contact, the last being a week ago. And I think for the past 4 months you've been holding onto hope -- then the cord was finally cut last week with the resolution of "stuff". Now it's really setting in.

 

My last relationship ended at 42. I've been single for a long while now. It does get better. I've never been so happy and content with my aloneness and independence -- because for the most part of my dating/relationship life, I've been so dependent on having and being in a relationship. Even when it was bad, I stuck to it for fear of being alone and my last relationship left me clinging because I was in my 40s. I couldn't bear being out there alone again. But that was just my hurt and pain blackening my view of life. That whole "I don't want to be with anyone, date anyone" -- that's just your disappointment talking. Once you get past this, you'll begin to have an optimistic view about the future.

 

I've never felt stronger emotionally and mentally, but it took a lot of hard work and discipline to get here -- infact I'm not even seeking a relationship and I've actually gotten to a point where I'll be content if it happens rather than that constant search to have someone. A partner should be a bonus to an already contented life. So, don't limit yourself just because of your age. A man/relationship isn't the end all be all.

[Rachel39]

I know that makes sense.... And I know it's over and my emotions are so up and down I'm even wondering if I have borderline persinaukty disorder..... I'm questioning myself constantly.

 

I even get to the point of thinking he's been that used to me contacting him every couple of weeks for the last 4 months and me asking for him to meet me give me closure ect to me now getting my stuff and accepting it.

 

That maybe he might just start to realise now when I have truly gone how deluded is that !!!

 

Bottom line he doesn't want me ! He didint want our relationship and he not interested in me at all... He felt nothing and I have to accept that

[Zahara]

I know that makes sense.... And I know it's over and my emotions are so up and down I'm even wondering if I have borderline persinaukty disorder..... I'm questioning myself constantly.

 

I even get to the point of thinking he's been that used to me contacting him every couple of weeks for the last 4 months and me asking for him to meet me give me closure ect to me now getting my stuff and accepting it.

 

That maybe he might just start to realise now when I have truly gone how deluded is that !!!

 

Bottom line he doesn't want me ! He didint want our relationship and he not interested in me at all... He felt nothing and I have to accept that

 

Yes, you have to accept that -- even true acceptance is going to take time. No, you don't have a personality disorder -- you're just grieving.