So humiliated over begging texts

[Rachel39]

Maybe this is the acceptance stage now.... So I'm just at the beginning of it...... When is the anger stage because I want to hate him..... I want to dislike him.... But I feel nothing but love for him!

[Zahara]

Maybe this is the acceptance stage now.... So I'm just at the beginning of it...... When is the anger stage because I want to hate him..... I want to dislike him.... But I feel nothing but love for him!

 

Acceptance is the last stage when you're finally moving on and seeing life in a new perspective with a sense of indifference to your past. Feeling optimistic about your future and what's ahead of you.

 

Grief.com ? Because LOVE Never Dies Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler

[BC1980]

Maybe this is the acceptance stage now.... So I'm just at the beginning of it...... When is the anger stage because I want to hate him..... I want to dislike him.... But I feel nothing but love for him!

 

Acceptance happens when you don't think of it very much anymore. When you can think of it an feel relatively unaffected emotionally. It took me about 2 years to find acceptance and forgiveness. It was a wild ride in between that! Two books that helped me navigate the grief process were: "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. Buying that book was money well spent. Another book that was very helpful was "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot.

 

Both of those books explain the grieving process as it relates to breakups, and you feel like you are talking to old friends about what is going on. Susan Elliot has You Tube videos as well.

[Rachel39]

I will have a look on my I pad I'm sure I may have the how to get past your break up from 5 years ago!

 

I really do not want to have to go through this pain again it's the worst feeling in the world to me.

 

I wish I was someone who didn't care about been in a relationship but for me all I have ever wanted. Is to be in love, be loved and settled down and all I have had is failed relationships and I'm 39.

 

I have always tried to make it work and held on and then when they are down they have just gone no compromise.

 

This guy persuade and wanted to be with me 2 years before I went on a date we then took it so slow 6 months before we even kissed because I couldn't do this all over again and it fail..... I feel like I was just something he wanted to had and when the relationship became a little work for him he wasn't interested just like his motorbike he bought sat in the garage.... He just wanted it !!!

[Zahara]

I second BC1980 -- go on Baggage Reclaim (Natalie Lue) Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue ? Empowering advice for helping you offload your baggage & discover the great you that already exists. -- it was a site that helped me alot through the ending as well as getting to the point of feeling the way I feel today. Both books From Natalie and Susan helped me get through the worst stages of my ending.

[Rachel39]

I have the Susan one I have just had a look....

 

I look terrible and feel it too.... I have probably gone down to a size 6.... I'm in a predicament because I want to go to the gym for my mental health but I can't afford to loose any weight...

 

I have started to eat again but can only manage small portions....

[Zahara]

I have the Susan one I have just had a look....

 

I look terrible and feel it too.... I have probably gone down to a size 6.... I'm in a predicament because I want to go to the gym for my mental health but I can't afford to loose any weight...

 

I have started to eat again but can only manage small portions....

 

There are plenty of Youtube full length workout videos -- light yoga and meditation, relaxing stretching exercises, some light pilates -- nothing heavy -- there's plenty of videos you can choose from to at least start getting you into some light activity that's going to get your heart rate slightly up and endorphins released. You may start to feel better and even want to do more and it may even start to increase your appetite. You will be in the privacy of your own home and you'll be able to do it at your own pace.

 

Go out and get a haircut. Take a bubble bath. Do your nails. Start pampering yourself. It's good that you are eating, even small portions. Important to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Drink lots of fluids.

 

Start doing some light exercises -- you'll feel better.

[Rachel39]

Thanks for the reply, I have started to read through the book.... Amd I'm waiting on my doctor to ring me today to talk about getting some therapy.....

 

I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm about other than a string on failed relationships one after the other from 16 to 39 ...and someone who is desperate and confused.

 

I look back on my life and that's all it's ever been about a relationship..... The pain comes from not being true to myself and my values and putting up and living a life that's not right for me through fear of been alone and not been able to make it out there...

 

I do know that I need to be alone now and fix what's broken in my mind and heart.... I need to focus on my career, studies and building a life for me and my son, I need to find a home for us ( I live with parents) I need to work on my income so I can provide a life that we both deserve.

 

It terrifies me having to do this all on my own and I'm not sure if I'm capable... But I do know that both me and my son are beautiful people inside and out.

 

I just don't know we're to start with it all and at the same time getting through this and feeling abandoned and alone and missing him and our plans together and knowing my son is feeling down that he's gone and he won't be in our lives anymore.

 

I have to get strong enough to turn this all around and face all my fears and stop feeling stuck it's debilitating for men

[Rachel39]

I have spoke to my doctor today and she referred me for some interpersonal therapy? She also said I am been too hard on my self and the grief I'm experiencing is totally normal at this stage...I had explained I have had a lot of trauma in my life from abusive relationships physically and mentally.

 

Has any one had or heard of this therapy!

[Kazzywazzy]

Rachel I'm going through a similar situation. 12 weeks ago my partner of 14 years said he didn't love me and was planning to leave in a few months. I found out a week later he was seeing a woman he worked with and he was going to live with her. As the house is his I now have to buy or rent it from him as he doesn't want me to have to move. He said he wouldn't be having sleepovers at her house but is and this time for 5 nights. He knows I love him madly always have he is now very cold towards we saying he can't wait to go and start his new life. I cannot get out of my distressed and devastated mood I can't stop thinking about what he is doing with her people say get over him as he not worth it but I am now at the stage that I don't know what to do next. Karen

[Rachel39]

Hope your ok Karen I know how hard it is I'm 4 months in.... I asked if he had met anyone else and he said no why would I go from this relationship to another.... I would just tell you?

 

I'd like to believe that but who really knows and to be honest I don't actually want to know.... His life is complicated...... And for a man at nearly 41... I also know that I thought we could be friends but I now know that I can't and don't want to even though I'd asked for it.

 

I do not want. To see he is happy, moved on dating someone else, married ect because he was ment to be having all that with me.

[Zahara]

You're talking to the queen of once bad relationships. One after the other -- from my marriage to my last relationship which ended late 2014. In my 40s, feeling like I wasted all those years and wishing I knew then what I know now. I had this need to always have someone, always needing a relationship, even when it was bad/abusive. My fear of being alone, my fear of never having a family, my fear of not feeling loved -- after an ending I'd be right back on those dating sites trying to erase my pain in hopes of finding a replacement. Needing to fill that void in my life. I always became an extension of whomever was in my life at the time and when he left, I was left feeling empty. No identity of my own. Weekends were the hardest because it was the most painful thing to be at home with no one to spend it with.

 

My last relationship ended and I jumped straight into therapy. Twice a week. I made a promise that I would not go on another dating site. I started journaling. Started working out. I planned a vacation -- I went on my own eventhough I was screaming inside feeling the discomfort of being alone. The only way I was going to get over feeling uncomfortable, was to do it. I wrote down a list of the things I had not accomplished while my head and heart was distracted by these relationships -- one by one I started checking off my list. I started meditating and I do it every morning now. It's hard work in the beginning because all you want to do is sit and mope and feel sorry for yourself. But you have to give yourself a swift kick up the arse now and then.

 

I'm at a point now in my life where I embrace my aloneness and wish I had taken the time long before to look inward. I travel alone. I love it. I've never felt so independent in my life when it comes to being comfortable in my own skin and feeling the ability to accomplish whatever it is I choose. I don't need a relationship or a man, but if he happens to come into my life I will embrace it but I will not go looking for him. In the meantime, I will focus on myself and making sure I live my best life. Granted there are times I do miss having a partner, but it's fleeting because I'm very much content and happy with the way things are.

 

So, take it from someone who's been there and done that -- it's not impossible to get where you should and need to be. It's going to take time and work on your part, and your desire to change and break your cycle. I'm alone in the country with no family or relatives and maybe 3 good friends who are married with kids. I'm doing it on my own -- you can do it too.

[Rachel39]

Zahara I feel like thats completely me.... It gives me inspiration to know how you were to how you are now. I do know I have done exactly the same and straight back on to a dating website to heal the pain.

 

Something feels different this time for me and I don't feel the need or want to. What I do know is that I have to make some massive changes in my life including getting some part time work.

 

I don't mind doing things on my own but not sure how long that will last. I do go to the cinema on my own, I have lots of fears that I probably need to overcome like flying... I'd love to go on a retreat on my own abroad and I do know that it will change me... But I have a fear of flying.

 

I want to book weekends away here in then uk when I don't have my son....just pack a bag and go come back Sunday....

 

I have a list of things that I started to do ticking them off but in all honesty at that time I thought if he could see how great in doing it would make him want me back. Then just flat lined when I realised he wasn't interested.

 

Fear of been alone is what's prevented me from actually moving forward with my career as I was so fixated on a relationship that I put my all into it and let my career fail... How sad is that

[Zahara]

If you have a fear of flying then start doing some research on how to overcome that -- go online and simply type how to overcome a fear of flying and see what suggestions pop up and go from there. Dig in and work towards tackling it.

 

Yes, don't do things to make someone like or accept you. Trying to make someone see how interesting you are is futile. It's hard work trying to keep up with that silly song and dance.

 

It's not sad. Look at this as a blessing because if this didn't happen, you'd be stuck where you were. You'd never have the ability to self- reflect and live your best life. You're giving yourself a chance now so make it count. None of us are perfect and we're all flawed in some way or another. The good thing is that you are aware and you're willing now to do the work and break your cycle.

 

Be kind to yourself and no more self-deprecating remarks. This is the time you lift yourself up -- because no one else will. Beating yourself up isn't part of your journey of empowerment. So, stop with the negative affirmations -- it's time to be positive.

[Rachel39]

Thank you zahara I will make a start now by accepting the relationship is over and lifting my self out of this depression

[Zahara]

Thank you zahara I will make a start now by accepting the relationship is over and lifting my self out of this depression

 

Keep posting whenever you feel sad, bad, depressed, etc. It's going to take awhile for you to get to the other side. Just keep posting and keep working on yourself. Small steps, but it's all going to get you somewhere.

[Rachel39]

I woke up this morning and don't want to get out of bed I feel so low.... I know I need to get hold of this before it takes over me.... I will try go to the gym today but all that I think is what is the point. The weather is nice here..... I need to find some fight in me..... How can I do this to myself...... How can I let myself feel so broken over a man.

 

My life just feels so empty..... The funny thing is when we first met he said to me If we ever split up I will never meet anyone better than you and I said of course you will you always move on to something better in some way.

 

The thing is I actually feel like I will never do any better than him how sad is that.....

[Rachel39]

I have never shared so much with some one in my life we had everything in common... Motor bikes, travelling, camping , water sports...... He was just me! Iv lost that !

[Zahara]

The thing is I actually feel like I will never do any better than him how sad is that.....

 

That's normal. After every ending, I said to myself -- Waaaah, I will never have anyone like him or I'll never meet anyone again or I'll always be alone. While it's common to crawl into a dark hole and stay bleak, the reality is that you'll move on and chances are you will meet someone you connect with in the future or maybe, because there is a chance that you won't meet someone for a long while, but with the latter, you'll be in a better headspace that it won't hurt or pain you to be alone.

 

I have never shared so much with some one in my life we had everything in common... Motor bikes, travelling, camping , water sports...... He was just me! Iv lost that !

 

I have a friend. She won't travel until she finds a partner/boyfriend. When I told her I was planning a vacation alone, she said she could never find joy in going alone and that while she loves to travel she will wait until she finds someone. I thought it was so limiting. So, when you're feeling a little better -- start looking for social groups that are into camping, traveling, hiking, etc. Create a social circle. Engage with people that are like minded. Try to foster friendships. You can still do the things you love -- it doesn't stop because you don't have him or a man in your life.

 

My ex was my travel partner. My first trip without him was so difficult. I cried on the plane and once in awhile I thought about how nice if he was here to see this or do that -- but once I broke that barrier, I started planning more trips and haven't stopped since -- I have an 8 day road trip I'm planning for my birthday. I'm not even thinking of him.

 

You'll get there. Like I said, you're 1 week or so NC and still grieving. You'd be far into your healing month 4 but unfortunately you chose to have contact. So, it's going to hurt. You have to force yourself to get up. Force yourself to put your workout clothes on and just do. One step at a time.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Zahara

[Rachel39]

Zahara I wish I had your strength and wisdom.... I feel I'm nothing without him is that normal? The roles have changed so much when I met him I was such a different person to what I have become, happy fun ambitious full of life....and I know he looks down on me and is thankful I'm out of his life.

 

That's what the relationship did to me because all though he was a good man he never communicated with me he would never have a discussion with me and then said we weren't right together because we argued to much.... He didint even send my son a birthday message last November or a present when we were together and when I told him I was disappointed that he didn't he was furious with me and wouldn't speak to me.

 

I told him he sucked the life out of me with his moods and misery but I'm so afraid that he will change his ways and become a different person now I'm gone and be happy all of s sudden.

 

He said he was depressed been with his daughters mum so he decided to end it as it would of never worked she was to hot headed for him....and wants more children he didn't want thy and was depressed over been with her.

 

She told me he was besotted with me as all he ever did was spend time asleep when he was with her.

 

One girl just walked out on him after a year

 

And I ther girl he was with for 5 months he took her on holiday and when they came back she ended it

 

he said it wasn't going to work between us because I'm too hot headed for him and it was bound to end at some point so why ask me to move with you to Ireland infront of my son oh he said he wanted to see what id say but his frame of mind has changed

 

Why am I feeling I'm not good enough for him....

 

Sorry I just need to process things in my head.... I have never had a relationship before were I have been so involved with a family and friends and was invited to every wedding family event even his daughters confirmation in Ireland.... I thought this was forever and when I told him I never thought I'd be without him he got so fustrated and started waving his hands about .

 

His own sister said she couldn't put up with him whilst we were over there at Xmas because all he did was sleep untill 5pm I thought he was depressed but I guess he will blame me for that one too

 

This wasn't a joke to me this was my life

[Zahara]

You will gain strength and wisdom in time but now it's hard to see with any sense of clarity because your heart is wounded. There is no rationality because you are emotionally in pain.

 

It is normal to feel like you are nothing without him. You made him a huge part of your life. Now he's gone and it's left a gaping hole in your soul. So, yes, it feels like a huge loss. Of course you were a different person when you met him -- you weren't in pain.

 

If he looks down on you and is thankful that you are out of his life then good riddance. Who wants to be around someone that has such little empathy for a person that they once shared so much with?

 

I think you need to start looking at this relationship for what it is and you need to focus as well on who he actually was in this relationship. We tend to idealize and romanticize our ex partners but when we really dig deep, the reality is that it wasn't as great as we make out in our heads. I'm sure there were many red flags and bad behavior on his part that you overlooked. And you mentioned coming from abusive relationships, I have to wonder if this again is the pattern -- he needs to come down from that pedestal.

 

If you pay attention, you'll see a pattern in how he deals with relationships/women in his life. The common denominator is your ex. This has nothing to do with who you are as a person, but everything to do with his own dysfunction. Seems like everytime he's in a relationship, he's either depressed or someone is leaving him.

 

You're feeling like you are not good enough for him because he has rejected you and you've tied that rejection to your perception of your own worth and value. Ex left me = I'm nothing.

 

Start focusing on the bad. Journal those thoughts. And whenever you start idealizing him/relationship, revisit that list -- it'll knock you back to reality.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Zahara

[Broken_Hearted1]

Hello Rachel,

 

I have been following your thread for a while now. I have recently ended my 7 months relation with my best friend and I think my miserable condition would make you feel a little better LOL.

 

So this friend had the hots for me for a long time now and we finally decided to get into a relation last september. She used to be like really interested in me and not a day would pass without her desiring me. However, once i was in the relation i could see how she was a different person. I was like a prize that she had to get and once she got it , she took me for granted. She would hardly show any interest in meeting me, all the things that couples do, we didn't do it because she would be pretty stuck up about things and also mostly busy with her family and friends.

 

To just give an example, we were on a trip. One night we got really drunk with our friends and she felt really sick. I stayed the whole night awake with her and comforted her. Now the next night we drink again and this time i feel sick and what does she do? She sees other friends leaving and she decides to go along with them. Sounds miserable doesn't it? Yeah.

 

Anyway we broke up like 2 weeks ago, after having not seen her for a month. I kept begging her to meet me and the last time she said " there is no need to meet all the time " ( we hadn't met for 1 month at this point ). So i finally realized that i am the last person on her priority list and broke it up.

 

I am hurting real bad because once i am with someone i love them with all my heart and move mountains for them. Its sad that she would never do the same. And also now I am the bad guy who used to complaint and dumped her.

 

I ended up contacting her last night and she said she loves me like a friend LMAO. It just hurt me more and I have to try better to maintain NC. I have done this before and I know things will get better. Just know that I am here with you.

 

Peace

[Rachel39]

This morning I was so down I woke up and didnt want to get up... This feeling of been on my own with no one to help me make descision.... Is actually scary and something I have never dealt with....I went for a walk it's was a beautiful day... I them took myself to college as much I talked myself out of going....

 

I managed to finish am assignment and hand it in.... my course will be finished in a month or so and this break up has set me back and I haven't done any work...

 

I have come home this evening feeling a little more upbeat and for now I will enjoy it as its the first time in 4 months.

 

I have looked into maybe having some private therapy so I can maybe uncover the reasons why I keep finding myself in the same positon.

 

For now I have decided I will not be dating any time soon and will concentrate on building my career because as of now I don't have one and making my son happy amd been proud of all that I achieve from now onwards!

[Rachel39]

Oh broken hearted

 

I'm right with you on this one you will have read everything then.... My story is pretty similar he'd wanted me for over 2 years.... Couldn't believe we where together and wished we had met 10 years ago! I was his dream girl!! Yes that's what he said.

 

If I wasn't tell you all things that happened along the relationship people would wonder why I was actually with him because like you he took me places but then ignored me whilst there with him it was odd he did this several times ..... Weddings. His daughters confirmation I felt humiliated but put it down to his lack of experience( how great am I at making excuses up for him)

 

I too take ages to fall in love but once you have my heart it's there for keeps, how little did I know that I would be the one begging

For him back.... It's taking me a long time (4 months lol ) to reach the conclusion that I'm exhausted with fighting for someone that doesn't want me and ( apparently we where never going to work, it was bound to end at some point ) after asking me to move to Ireland with him .... I'm not at a place of realising the relationship is over ... I'm not going to lie this is so hard I wake up dnt want to be here ... Im tearful all the time ..... I feel like Iv lost the best thing ever ( it's starting to slowly fade, I will see him for what he is)

 

Someone who wants what he can't have, like the finer things in life, can't handle commitment, moody miserable, and when he's done no compromising for me or my son just total disregard. Heartless !!!' People on this site are amazing and have got me through so much .... And I'm right behind you because I am such a mess but I'm a fighter and if I can get through this anyone can xx

[Weathersf1]

Rachel,

 

I feel as if your words were written straight from my heart. I'm currently in month 4 of break up and NC. I'm going through every single emotion that you are every day. Like your ex, my ex just woke up one day and told me she wanted to go her separate ways. I could see that there was no changing her mind and if someone doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with them. We were together for 3 years and in my heart, she was my wife. I had bought a ring to propose to her and I always introduced her as my fiancee. Its her life and I won't beg someone to stay with me.

 

I have never sent her any text message except a "thank you" text last week when she showed up unannounced to give my daughter a birthday present while I happen to be out of town for work. She never responded to it as to her, I'm not even worth a "your welcome" text.

 

I'm 42 educated, fit, good looking, financially well off but this experience has shaken me to my core. Publicly, I put on a brave face but privately, I'm shattered inside and out. At times even suicidal. Last week, my doctor prescribed me Cymbalta (anti depressant) but it had such incredible side effects on me. I had nausea, diarrhea, extreme dizziness and dry mouth. I stopped after day 2 and thats the end of my medication at this time.

 

The MOST therapeutic thing since day one I have found is to come here and read and learn from other people's experiences. At times like these in our lives, all we are looking for is Hope. Hope the pain goes away, Hope that we will move on, Hope that we will once go back to being who we were. Hope that one day we will find someone more suitable.

 

Its embarrassing at times to admit to yourself that someone who made promises to be with you forever has quietly and systematically detached themselves without any warnings. They couldn't care less what devastation they leave behind. The damage they cause for years to come. Its underhanded, deceptive, dishonest and inhuman but it happens every day.

 

Please have faith and let time do its healing. Like you I have a child. A 9 year old that I take care of full-time. She can destroy me emotionally but I won't allow her or anyone to destroy me mentally. We owe it our children to push ourselves to be better. A lot easier said than done I know.

 

Let go of the past, accept the present and have faith in the future that awaits. God bless you.