breakup? Jealous possesive?

[cocov]

Hi. I write to you all in order to have some advice because i have many doubts as to this relationship and how i feel/ should feel / should do about it. ANY WORDS WILL HELP. THANKS (SORRY FOR MY ENGLISH, I AM A NON NATIVE SPEAKER THNKS)

 

I am 25. I met a guy 7 months ago (“FRANK”), same age, we started dating, due to financial issues we both after 1 (ONE) month of dating decided to rent a place together . We had very nice moments, I felt very happy with him at first, he was very kind and generous and very serviceable.

 

How I met FRANK:

 

I met FRANK through a friend of mine who is married to his brother. We started through facebook chat, then started seeing. I had just broke up (a month before I started dating with FRANK) a very long term relationship (“WILY” or “EX”) (10 year relationship) and i was devastated very angry, sad, depressive because it wasn’t me the one who took the decision to break up but WILY.

 

 

FIRST TWO MONTHS:

So when me and FRANK started dating i told him a lot about my past, how i felt, how sad i was, how abusive the relationship was and that i couldn’t get over it. FRANK said he would help me. We always met at my house (instead of public places) because I live in a small town and I was afraid of what people would say or even how my EX would react if he saw us together. When we walked in the street, went grocery shopping, I never held FRANKS hand because I was afraid someone who knew me would see me and then my EX would find out. (FRANK always felt bad about this of course I would have also felt bad)

When we started dating, FRANK agreed he didn’t like people talking about us, as this is a small town, so we kept the relationship a secret (until a month went by and decided to move together because the house I rented went for sale and we couldn’t find a place).

The first times we dated, he always insisted and told me things he had heard about me, things his brother and wife and circle of friends, had said about me , about my past and always asked me if those things were true. I always found him too concerned about this which for me was weird. When I told him about my past he said that he would NEVER BE abusive or aggressive or a violent man that HIS father was like that and left his mother when he was 7 years old. And that is why he would never tolerate that.

The first times we dated he always was very kind, gentle, but for some reason he always got upset about something / made an anger or upset scene (nothing aggressive or violent just he wouldn’t answer or say this relationship wasn’t goint to work etc. but always talking). Then after a few times of this, he would say he was leaving and never coming back (this before we moved together) I would insist that I really enjoyed the time we had together and he would stay. fgfg

 

The first times we dated, he always insisted and told me things he had heard about me, things his brother and wife and circle of friends, had said about me , about my past and always asked me if those things were true. I always found him too concerned about this which for me was weird. When I told him about my past he said that he would NEVER BE abusive or aggressive or a violent man that HIS father was like that and left his mother when he was 7 years old. And that is why he would never tolerate that.

The first times we dated he always was very kind, gentle, but for some reason he always got upset about something / made an anger or upset scene (nothing aggressive or violent just he wouldn’t answer or say this relationship wasn’t goint to work etc. but always talking). Then after a few times of this, he would say he was leaving and never coming back (this before we moved together) I would insist that I really enjoyed the time we had together and he would stay.

One thing that caught my attention was that he always asked me how I felt about cell phones and using/looking/ revising each other’s phones., I always said that I considered that awful and an invasion to privacy. He wouldn’t say anything or agreed.

He would always ask me what friends I had, to what gym I was going, and if I liked being at home or was more of a social person.

When he was at worlk he would constantly message me to ask me “wehre are you” “what are you doing” etc.

3 MONTHS

Time went past, and one day he used my computer and found my EX contact on skype, I never deleted him because I dindt even know I had him/forgot. So when he asked me about who that contact was I denied it being my EX because I was afraid he would get annoyed.

Then one day I found out he had checked my phone, and I felt wrong. He was always asking who was writing to me, with whom I was talking. Then he started telling me that I was visiting my friends too much (female friends) he then asked me what I felt about being friends with men and he said he didn’t like that. ( I have a friend male, whom I stoped visiting because he didn’t like it due to his male condition and because he was also friends of my EX)

4 MONTHS

We made a trip together, to visit my family, and he was always with me, if I was talking with my mom he would appear and interrupt or wait by the door, he wanted to do everything with me , and got annoyed if I left without him.

Once we went out to dinner and I received a text message from an old contact named JOHN (he would ask: who wrote to you?? Who is it??) and I told him I didn’t want to answer, that this was an old contact related to work (an old man) . He therefore made me go pick up the food, when the beeper rang, and when I came back to the table he had gotten my phone and answered the message for me saying “ yes hello, what do you need?”. And I got very angry, and so did he, he left me with the food on the table and left the restaurant. (he said he wrote to that guy for my security that he was worried, he had to know if that person was dangerous, when john wrote back all he asked for was If I could recommend a place to stay for him)

Another occasion., we were going on a trip and I was wearing leggings, FRAN didn’t like them ( don’t know if because they were a bit see through or too thin an I have a big booty!), he made me a whole scene about it saying he wasn’t going to travel with me if I wore that. I Screamed at him and cried, he shook my shoulders and punched the wall. I felt afraid.

 

5 MONTHS

He once took a pendrive he found in my purse and put it in my laptop, revised all folders, to find a few photos of a trip my ex made with a friend ( TWO years ago!! Was that). He made a whole issue about it. (I didn’t even know those pictures were there) he said I wanted the pictures why hadn’t I deleted them etc etc. always got angry and stoped talking to me or blocked me on facebook then the next day he would add me again.

He kept on looking at my mail, and cell phone sistematicaly through time because I realized apps were open that I didn’t had open.

 

SEVERAL SITUATIONS

Once he went through my photos and said he was disgusted with me because I had taken some selfies posing as a model (something all women do, I was wearing clothes, nothing sex related or pornographic). He said he was sure I took those photos for someone else and not him. (which is not true)

Then on occasions, He came home at night after work, and was angry if dinner wasn’t ready, and asked what had I done … that it couldn’t be that he worked and that I should have dinner always ready, that I had spent too much time with my friends, that I should contribute to the house and that I used to say that I was a home person.

Another time He didn’t want me to do a family trip, because he couldn’t come along with my family because of his work. So he said that if we are a couple I shoud leave behind my family and plan trips with him and not my with my family.

He got annoyed if I talked too much on the phone and always said: cant you talk when im not free from work? It’s the only time I have free for you.. then again, Sundays was the only day he didn’t work .. he got annoyed if I went to tea with friends, or if I had my friends daughter birthday party, even if I invited him he didn’t want to spend time with other people and me. He alleged that he wanted to be with me all day long, and that I should grant him that day to be with him alone (no friends or people even if he was invited). That I work little and am always with my friends during the week so that Sundays should be for him with him.

He always told me to buy me a belt because when I kneeled down my underwear could be seen. So he told me I must like people seeing my undies because if not I would wear a belt.

Besides these situations and more, he would always get angry with me for anything, and make a whole issue. He would block me in facebook and then addd me again. We went to sleep at night and he wouldn’t talk to me and the day after he was very kind.

Also if I said I was going to try a new gym, or a new gym teacher, he would say “ OK tomorrow I will start that same gym” “ what? How come you don’t want me there if you used to go to the same gym with your ex”)?

Once I had a car crash (nothing to worry about just a little bump) but the person who crushed with me was a man my age. FRANKS said not to save his number because what : “do you want to be friends with this man who didn’t even look whilst parking and made you crush” “why will you write to him?” (the thing is I wanted his number to see if he had made all the paperwork for his insurance to pay my mechanic)

I started changing my attitude, I tried to visit less my friends, tried to be Sundays all day with him, talk less or use the p hone less when he was around, erasing photos, not talking selfies, posting less thins on facebook, wearing clothes less see throught, less tight, less leggings, longer jackets to cover my bootie, etc.

I felt fear sometimes . ( He was also very violent / aggressive with people in the street or whilst driving he would insult or say he was going to beat up the guy who was drivig like that)

 

 

TRYING TO PUT AN END

Finally I started getting sad and decided to tell him I didn’t want this relationship anymore. He cried, he promised he would change, that he had already downloaded books to treat his jealousy problems. That this was because of his abusive father, who used to verbally and phisicaly abuse him and his mother.

I carried my things in my car and when I tried to leave he convinced me to stay he cried and I felt sorry for him. He would say im the love of his life, that he loves me with all his heart, he needs me etc.

But then he would repeat the story once again.

 

3 DAYS AGO

So three days ago we fighted again (the relationship was one day we were fine, another day wwe would fight and then again and again) and he told me to leave because if he didn’t cry, he would be aggressive and tell me to leave once and for all and never come back. I said that I couldn’t leave in that day because I had no where to go ( my family lives 2 hrs away by plane) and he blocked me in facebook, whatsapp and phone calls before leaving to work. HE never imagined I would call a friend and really leave the house so I hurried up and made everything. When he came back at night he found out I had left. So he started calling me non stop , text messages, unknown id, emails etc. saying he needs one last chance, that he knows he made mistakes, that he dreams to see me again, for me to come back, that he can be the perfect person I always wanted him to be. That he loves me and cares for me and dosent want to loose me. That he wants to give him one last kiss just one last kiss…

I never answered just wrote him an email saying please respect me I need time for me.but I feel sad, and sorry for him, I know he must be at the house alone , crying , and sad wishing for me to come back. And also I feel guilty for having left him like that. And after all I do have feelings for him, and Im not sure he can change. Can he change? Should I go back? Something inside me feels so free and liberated to have left him but I do feel guilt, sad, that I kind of miss him a bit. And most of all I don’t want him to suffer for me because I don’t want to hurt people and I know how it feels to be heartbroken, suffering and sad when someone leaves you. I don’t want to talk to him because I think he will get his hopes up that I will come back or even he might try to convince me to go back and I don’t want to feel sorry and then go back.

I know there were a lot of nice times and that he is a good person , that he accompanied me in hard moments and supported me , was generous and kind, and worried about my well being. But then all the other things…

[Zahara]

Can he change? Should I go back?

 

Abusers don't change. Coming from a past like yours, promises are often made but can never be kept because abusers have deep rooted issues. This is their pattern. When you leave, they will promise you that it will never happen again. Unfortunately, it will because this is how they are wired.

 

No, you should not go back because you will be going back to the same dysfunction. I bet in time, instead of punching a wall, your face is going to be next. All you have to do is spark the right fuse, and he's going to take his rage to the next level.

 

Something inside me feels so free and liberated to have left him but I do feel guilt, sad, that I kind of miss him a bit. And most of all I don’t want him to suffer for me because I don’t want to hurt people and I know how it feels to be heartbroken, suffering and sad when someone leaves you.

 

Unfortunately, he is hurting not because he loves you. He is hurting because he has lost his possession and control of you. His love is not of a healthy and nurturing kind. His love is warped and isn't based on mutual respect, kindness and empathy. Don't mistake control and possessiveness for love.

 

I don’t want to talk to him because I think he will get his hopes up that I will come back or even he might try to convince me to go back and I don’t want to feel sorry and then go back.

 

Block him. Move on. This is not a good relationship for you. You jumped from a 10 year relationship to living with some man in a month for financial reasons. Red flags and bad choices on your part. Time for you to stay on your own for awhile and work through your emotions and regaining your sense of self.

 

I know there were a lot of nice times and that he is a good person , that he accompanied me in hard moments and supported me , was generous and kind, and worried about my well being. But then all the other things…

 

This is who he is. The guy you met before, that was just a facade he put up to rope you in. Once he got you, who he truly is as a person finally emerged.

 

Stay NC. Make better choices for your future.

[cocov]

Dear ZAHARA, thanks a lot for having taken the time to read my long post. I well see your point of view in different aspects ive described. You have helped me a lot, and given me a reinforcment to what i was feeling. Eventhough i cant help feeling guilt or responsability for his suffering (even if its not love) i know i have taken and am taking the right decision. thanks a lot , take care xoxox

(by the way does STAY NC mean stay in touch?! i am non native speaker and live in argentina lol)

[Zahara]

Dear ZAHARA, thanks a lot for having taken the time to read my long post. I well see your point of view in different aspects ive described. You have helped me a lot, and given me a reinforcment to what i was feeling. Eventhough i cant help feeling guilt or responsability for his suffering (even if its not love) i know i have taken and am taking the right decision. thanks a lot , take care xoxox

(by the way does STAY NC mean stay in touch?! i am non native speaker and live in argentina lol)

 

You're welcome.

 

Feel guilty and responsible for allowing yourself to be in a toxic situation. Don't feel guilty and responsible for these types because they know how to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them. It's all an act. The moment they have you back in control, they'll be back to their controlling ways. Trust me, he won't stop at punching walls.

 

STAY NC means STAY NO CONTACT! DO NOT CONTACT HIM AND DON'T ALLOW HIM ANY ACCESS TO YOU. Block him from having any contact with you. Move on and make healthy and better choices for yourself. Love yourself and take good care ok. xoxo