I think my husband is obsessed with my niece.

[Tinkerdootoo]

Hello! I hope I've selected the appropriate forum. My apologies if not.

 

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We've had many bumps on the road during our journey. The norms...finances, differences in ideas of parenting our children, physical and emotional neglect, emotional cheating on his behalf, and the list goes on. We've managed so far. We've even sought counselling.

 

In the last few years I've overlooked much. I've realized he is who he is and he has many wonderful attributes that balance out the rest. However, recently I've noticed he has an unhealthy, what I believe to be, obsession with my 20 year old niece. Its gotten to where I rarely talk about her because when I do he gets weird. Almost dreamy eyed. I don't know how else to explain it. A year or so ago I caught him ogling her backside. Zeroed in what seemed like forever. I literally got down in his line of vision and gave him a look that said "what the *F*". Later I approached him and asked him as nicely as I could to not stare at my niece's rear end. He blew up. I just let that drop. I also found her old school picture in the bathroom and thought nothing of it. Thought perhaps my 4 yo son put it in there accidentally. Now I'm thinking otherwise.

 

Yesterday while attending our family's Easter celebration I stepped outside to partake in my unfortunate habit. I had dropped my phone in water (it was soaking in rice = ) so asked if I could use his. He obliged. He has my brother in law's old basic phone. When he got the phone about 3 months ago my BILs old info was still in there. While perusing the photos I noticed that my husband had deleted all of BILs old photos yet saved any containing just my niece.

 

I was sickened and horrified. Maybe I'm just overreacting. I know men have fantasies. I know he has some ( a lot, haha) that don't contain me. That doesn't bother me. But just....ewww. That's my sweet baby girl who I held in my arms and is practically a daughter to me. I know that even if I approached him I can't change the way he thinks. I don't even know if I want to bring this up to him. It sickens me so much. This to me is enough to leave him. Which is going to be hard to do. We have just bought a home. Ugh. What's a gal to do?

 

** Side note** my niece's pictures mysteriously disappeared from his phone ; ). Small victories.

Edited March 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraph spacing ~6

[TaraMaiden2]

You need to think long and hard about why exactly, after all this effort and persistence, you still feel this is a worthwhile relationship to be in.

 

You have issues. They come to the fore.

You air and discuss them.

You even go to counselling.

They're "put to bed".

And then?

Something else crops up.

 

How much longer do you feel it obligatory to entertain a man who has completely both abused and lost your trust?

How many more stumbling blocks is he going to create for you to have to jump over?

 

Seriously.

 

could you please list for yourself, the enormous benefits and advantages of being with this man?

I mean, for you.

Emotionally.

Leave the kids, house, career out of it.

I'm asking you.

What nourishing emotional benefit do you gain....?

[Tinkerdootoo]

That was so eloquently put. Thank you. I will do as you've suggested. Pen and paper in hand*

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well, you've just said yourself that this is enough to make you want to leave him. So, is that the plan? Are you asking for advice on how to do that, or encouragement that it's the right thing to do?

 

Personally it would be SUCH a big turn off to know my partner or husband was ogling a younger member of our family, to the extent that you have described (the photos on the phone... if he's not jacking off to them, I'd eat my hat). It shows such a massive lack of respect for social boundaries, your feelings, more than anything it's so disgusting that rather than being a supportive uncle, or indifferent, he's seeing her as a sex object. Don't kid yourself that she hasn't noticed or felt it. We know when uncles or other male members of the family are acting inappropriate and it makes my skin crawl. I remember one single occasion as a twelve or thirteen year old when my uncle smacked my arse as I walked by, in front of my entire family, to this day that memory makes me feel sick.

 

She's your niece, as you say she's close enough to being your daughter, I have nieces and nephews and I understand how strong that bond is. The thought of a partner of mine seeing her and treating her in that way would make me so white hot with rage I would struggle to come back from that. She deserves protecting at all costs, I'm not saying he's guaranteed to try something on but he's already way crossed the boundaries by staring at her ass so much that it's blatantly obvious to others, keeping her pictures on his phone, man I'd just wanna kick that guy from my family and prefer to be alone.

 

What are you going to do? Eight years is a long time but it sounds like you are already in a bad place over the years, even with emotional infidelity. So... is this even worth saving?

[stillafool]

Yes he's definitely obsessing over your niece by what you have written and the question is what are you going to do about it.

[DreamP]

I am a very open minded, sex positive person. I don't have problems with my partner fantasizing about other women. I would even be OK with an open relationship. That being said, jacking-off to your 20 year old niece, just eeww. Finding a 20 year old distant family member attractive is one think, but keeping her pictures, ogling her at family functions and most likely jacking off to her picture is just disgusting. I'm not sure I could be with somebody like that. He needs serious therapy.

[sandylee1]

I have a niece the same age and would be sick to my stomach if I found pictures of her on my husband's phone or caught him leering at her... and yes I'd leave him for it.

 

My niece is like a second daughter to me and I'd be mad as hell. That he deleted the pics shows his guilt.

 

Actually this reminds me of an Aunt's (not a blood relative) Boyfriend, who was obsessed with my sister when we were younger. None of us knew at the time..... until out of the blue he tracked my sister down at her college and professed his love for her. We always thought he was weird and he had a tendency to stare... but boy this was something else.

 

My sister was in shock and immediately came and told my mother ... who called my Aunt... and she said... that he was always talking about my sister and how nice she was .... but she never thought he would do what he did.

 

Keep him away from your niece.. by getting him out of your life. I wish my Aunt did that ... then my sister wouldn't have had to go through what she did. My sister was 18 at the time and it was really scary for her. My mother was very annoyed about it and their friendship was never quite the same again.

[Clockwork]

His biggest problem is that he has done it far too openly. If he has a thing for your niece he should keep it to himself. I mean, as men we can notice things that a woman won't. We are more likely to notice a 20 year old girl than a grown woman will notice a 20 year old boy. It isn't as if I or any other man has thought about one of our wife's family members or friends. But you leave it at that, a fantasy, and don't involve anyone else with it, especially your wife. These things will likely pass, but in the meantime he shouldn't be so obvious.

[Dolfin80]

Wow...what you just described is incest. Not appropriate sexual behaviour at all. He needs therapy.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wow...what you just described is incest. Not appropriate sexual behaviour at all. He needs therapy.

 

Only if the connection is by direct blood.

If it's his wife's sibling's child, there is actually no blood relation there.

It's only by marriage.

In which case - however creepy and inappropriate it might be - it wouldn't be incest.

[Emilia]

His biggest problem is that he has done it far too openly. If he has a thing for your niece he should keep it to himself. I mean, as men we can notice things that a woman won't. We are more likely to notice a 20 year old girl than a grown woman will notice a 20 year old boy. It isn't as if I or any other man has thought about one of our wife's family members or friends. But you leave it at that, a fantasy, and don't involve anyone else with it, especially your wife. These things will likely pass, but in the meantime he shouldn't be so obvious.

 

I'd imagine what the OP is describing is very common but most men are sensible enough to keep quiet.

[Cherryz]

There are alot of married man waking around and being this nasty creep.

All over the place.

 

And many stupid wives walking around naive, or ignoring the facts or hide this stuff for their husbands.

THis will only be a bigger mess.

 

Its a matter of time that he is alone with your niece and jump her or touch her.

THis guy is not inlove with no one! He is just a nasty dirty perv and horny on your niece!

 

You can keep make jokes and laugh and think ligthy about this.

But soon you will be also the one to blame on further escalations! Because

you knew but didnt do anything to protect your own blood against this fake husband.

 

8 years, he only been busy with sexual stuff in the wrong way by cheating on you and staring at your niece.

 

People like this you have to go hard on them and confront them to the core and end and not give in!

Because if you dont they will continue. They are sick minded!

Beside your niece may have noticed or feel uncomfortable around this dude.

But others may be same surprised as you was first.

But you got more prove and signs that this dirty man is just a creep.

 

Dont use buying a house as a excuse. Because humans are more important then materials.

And this guy dont respect you atall. And he is there just to mess things up in your family.

I dont see why you should stay with him. And dont keep this a secret and act like you are standing by your man in everything, because that will make you same guilty as him and he will find more mess up things to do.

 

Confront him again, and go hard on him! Dont give in!

If he dont stop then put a end to this and leave him!

Beside avoid being with him around your niece and have a conversation with

someone in your family that is wise /older about this.

So it wont be a long kept secret and your niece can be protected.

 

You dont know what this man is up to since he is so extreme and all over the place and dont hold back in what he is doing about your niece.

If you feel this gonna give you to much stress leave him.

At the end he is a grown man and he know very well what he is doing!

[elaine567]

I mean, as men we can notice things that a woman won't. We are more likely to notice a 20 year old girl than a grown woman will notice a 20 year old boy..

 

I am not sure that is exactly true, IME women all notice "hot" men in the same way men notice "hot" women, only women tend to be a lot more discreet and less obvious in general. I also think women tend to think of their partner's feelings and keep these things to themselves, so as not to rock boats and make him feel insecure, jealous or hurt.

It is also just more socially acceptable for men, even attached men to show their sexual interest in other women openly and it is deemed just normal "guy" behaviour.

For some it is an entitlement that they revel in, and they do not care who they hurt in the process.

 

The OP's husband is being a jerk in more ways than one.

The obsession with the niece is just a symptom of a far greater malady.

[Haydn]

Sounds very unhealthy. Don't leave him alone with her. Think it's a bit more than a bloke having a quick look on the tube. (not that I've ever done this)

 

And thank you Elaine. Malady has been added to words i should use more.

[xxoo]

Noticing attractive women--even a niece--is normal.

 

Obsessing over another woman when married is not. Collecting pictures--totally creepy. Of a niece??? Way over the top.

 

This guy has a concerning lack of boundaries and respect--for you and your niece. He's not trustworthy.

[sandylee1]

His biggest problem is that he has done it far too openly. If he has a thing for your niece he should keep it to himself. I mean, as men we can notice things that a woman won't. We are more likely to notice a 20 year old girl than a grown woman will notice a 20 year old boy. It isn't as if I or any other man has thought about one of our wife's family members or friends. But you leave it at that, a fantasy, and don't involve anyone else with it, especially your wife. These things will likely pass, but in the meantime he shouldn't be so obvious.

 

There are certain people you shouldn't look at in 'that way' no matter whether you keep it to yourself or not.... her niece would be one of them.

 

If your daughter has an attractive friend ... you DON'T look at her in that manner ..... it's wrong. There's no if's..no buts..no maybes.

 

I'm not saying one is blind to attractive members of the opposite sex .... but you have to see some as off limits. .. and not obsess in such a manner.

 

My husband views my nieces as his nieces.... no way in a month of Sundays would he ever have romantic or sexual thoughts about them. OP .... I don't know about you ... but if my brother in law got wind of this ... my husband would not be able to set foot in their house again... .. Our marriage would effectively be over.

 

He deleted the pics in hopes you never saw them.. as you've already picked up on things when he was staring at her behind.

[Emilia]

I hear men comment on sister-in-laws, any women in the family. Most have the boundaries to keep their thoughts to themselves with their wives. It's pretty naive to believe that they think like women, I can assure you their behaviour is different once they leave your house. They are more free. I have seen it many times.

[MightyPen]

Yes, men aren't women. Men are hard wired to notice sexually attractive women, although yes most men have at least SOME respect for certain boundaries. Of course the whole "off limits" thing can make an attraction even more intense.

 

I'm not that surprised that he's crushing on (I assume good-looking) twenty-year old, but he should at least be more subtle about it.

 

And I have a feeling from the OP's original post that this is merely the latest in a string of issues.

[Standard-Fare]

My biggest concern would be: Has he ever ACTED on these feelings?

 

@Tinkerdootoo, you should absolutely investigate that further. I'm generally opposed to Internet snooping, but in this case... I think going through emails, phone records, browser history might be justified. Like, does he have regular communication with the niece, and of what nature? Does he stalk her social media? Etc.

 

The worst-case scenario of course would be straight-out incest. Which would definitely be "pack up your bags and go" time for you as a wife, but also could raise some complicated issues (including legal issues) for the family as a whole. Worst-WORST case scenario is if it's something that goes back a few years, to when the niece was even younger.

 

Less horrifying (but still terrible) possibilities would include open flirtation, inappropriate advances, etc.... anything that has made the niece feel preyed upon or uncomfortable.

 

If none of the above has happened, what you have is a man with a crush on his niece that he's not good about hiding. That's unhealthy and gross in itself, and anyone in your shoes would feel unhappy about it. But if it's something your husband is quietly dealing with on his own, it's up to you whether it ranks as threatening and serious enough to end a marriage.

[SoleMate]

Has he ever ACTED on these feelings?

Yes, he has. The obvious staring, the collection of photos, the leaving a photo in the bathroom are all ACTIONS. So this isn't a case of thoughts alone. (If this was pure thought, with no attached actions, the OP could not have written this thread.) I don't blame the H or any man or woman for the thoughts that may cross their minds unbidden. It's the voluntary actions that they are accountable for. And I do assume that every adult is in control of his/her actions at all times. If they're not, they shouldn't be running around loose.

[stillafool]

Yes, men aren't women. Men are hard wired to notice sexually attractive women, although yes most men have at least SOME respect for certain boundaries. Of course the whole "off limits" thing can make an attraction even more intense.

 

 

Why does everyone only think that men are hard wired to notice sexually attractive women. I'm a woman and I guess I am hard wired to notice sexually attractive men because I do. However, I do know what is appropriate and act accordingly.

[elaine567]

Why does everyone only think that men are hard wired to notice sexually attractive women. I'm a woman and I guess I am hard wired to notice sexually attractive men because I do. However, I do know what is appropriate and act accordingly.

 

I agree, all the women I have known (including myself) are "hard wired" to notice attractive men too, why wouldn't they be?

"Men are hard wired" is just an excuse trotted out to justify bad and tactless behaviour by some men.

[Standard-Fare]

Yes, he has. The obvious staring, the collection of photos, the leaving a photo in the bathroom are all ACTIONS. So this isn't a case of thoughts alone. (If this was pure thought, with no attached actions, the OP could not have written this thread.) I don't blame the H or any man or woman for the thoughts that may cross their minds unbidden. It's the voluntary actions that they are accountable for. And I do assume that every adult is in control of his/her actions at all times. If they're not, they shouldn't be running around loose.

 

Playing devil's advocate here: You could argue that any public aspect of this is the husband inadvertently "getting caught" doing stuff that's meant to be private, and which he may feel shame about. So far, all we have evidence of is that he's drooled/stared and probably masturbated...which I guess is his way of dealing with this forbidden attraction.

 

Turning off devil's advocate, though, you could say that if it's reached the level of his wife's awareness, it's already gone way too far, and his private attraction has become a public problem.

[jen1447]

In most cases we're not slaves to our biological urges, so while it might be understandable that on an instinctual level he's drawn to your niece's butt, it's not understandable or condonable that he'd act on it in any way. There's plenty of that type of attraction that goes on in other parts of life - married, underage, etc. - and responsible ppl just suppress the urges they have so it's a non-issue.

 

Jerking off in the bathroom to her picture isn't an example of suppressing the urge.

[Tinkerdootoo]

Thank you to everyone for your thoughtful responses. I knew in my heart (and mind of course) that his actions were disgusting. It's disrespectful to my niece, our family, and myself. I just needed an outside party to confirm what I believed. I have not shared this with my family. I'm not naïve to the fact that men fantasize in such ways. But show some decorum and restraint!

 

I do want to say that even if this was the only issue that I would be done with our marriage. This is a definite deal breaker, as one might call it. I've been in contact with a family lawyer. I need to do this smartly for my family and myself. I've been a stay at home mom for some time now. Its time to rekindle my career. Thank you again to all for reaffirming what I already believed.